KT says, "mommy, I can hear your heart beep."
Heart beep, you guys.
:)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Monday, April 30
Monday, April 16
My truths, this week
1. Blessing my circumstances. Waking up thankful for everything I can think of.
2. Love and logic (still trying!). "Uh-oh! Looks like you're having another tantrum. That's too bad. I can't think with all this noise going on, so I need to take you to your room. Would you like to stay there with the door open or closed??" Lalala!
3. Keeping perspective about work. Sometimes on the weekends I get a feeling/reminder that my job is so small in the grand scheme of things, and shouldn't be something I fret or get stressed over. It's laughable, really, the daily details of jobs. Totally laughable. Something to laugh at, to distract me for 8 hours a day, to bring home a paycheck. Nothing more.
4. On the flipside of that coin, my job IS actually a ministry to our end-users. I am lucky to have the opportunity every day to do some of the work that Jesus modeled and advised -- aiding the sick, specifically -- in my daily tasks, even if it's indirectly. So I'm trying to keep that in mind.
5. Eating well to fuel, and getting more much-needed exercise. [Countdown to beach week and] I want, on a personal scale, to be an athlete. Or at least a fitness aficionado.
2. Love and logic (still trying!). "Uh-oh! Looks like you're having another tantrum. That's too bad. I can't think with all this noise going on, so I need to take you to your room. Would you like to stay there with the door open or closed??" Lalala!
3. Keeping perspective about work. Sometimes on the weekends I get a feeling/reminder that my job is so small in the grand scheme of things, and shouldn't be something I fret or get stressed over. It's laughable, really, the daily details of jobs. Totally laughable. Something to laugh at, to distract me for 8 hours a day, to bring home a paycheck. Nothing more.
4. On the flipside of that coin, my job IS actually a ministry to our end-users. I am lucky to have the opportunity every day to do some of the work that Jesus modeled and advised -- aiding the sick, specifically -- in my daily tasks, even if it's indirectly. So I'm trying to keep that in mind.
5. Eating well to fuel, and getting more much-needed exercise. [Countdown to beach week and] I want, on a personal scale, to be an athlete. Or at least a fitness aficionado.
Friday, April 13
It's a lot
Not gonna lie, Internet: This whole week has been hard. This afternoon has dragggggged on, as most Fridays do, but this one more than usual. I went home for lunch, but that activity has been rendered weird/sad since no little furry head is there to greet me quizzically with his, "What are you doing here during my daytime nap?" look. There's no one so say "bye" to when I go out the garage door to go back to work. It's just not right. I got a gut-punch feeling in my stomach while I was there, and kept thinking I just didn't care about anything, definitely not about going back to my stupid politics-and-secrets office.
And I feel silly saying all this about a dog, especially when I didn't have to do the hard part of being there at the moment. DH is likely suffering more. I know nobody who's ever loved a pet could hold it against me, and that it's normal and he was a family member and all of that stuff. I know it, but I just can't grant myself permission not to feel slightly "get over it" toward myself.
Then we've had extra tantrums from KT, who only had fever for about 12 hours on Tuesday/Wednesday but whose mood has remained crappy. I know she's under stress, too -- she has asked every day, "Where is Polie?" and "Why is Polie in Heaven?" so she's processing it slowly -- but the stupidity surrounding her bedtime (not to mention her waking up time) is just about to kill me dead. Last night my choir practice was cancelled, but the previous night I had declared in ALL CAPS That I was DONE putting her to bed, DONE!! Poor DH replied, rightly, "Don't get mad at me!" So last night, as I was saying, I went out anyway, even though I had nowhere to go. I took a book I felt it was time to revisit -- Parenting with Love and Logic, thank you again for the years-ago recommend, MB -- and do you know what I did? I ran away. From my 4-YEAR-OLD. To A BAR. I had a glass of red wine (okay, two) and sat there in silence for 2 hours and it was nice, but felt wrong. For one thing, I've never gone to a bar by myself. I'm a 37-year-old adult but I felt like I was getting away with something. Or that people would look at me funny. For another thing I felt guilt for leaving DH with a potential tantrum. I pray alot when I do that -- please give him patience, please give him the patience that I never seem to have. I mean, I know us moms have to have our me-time, but still. I just thought it would be easier, after my declaration, if I weren't in the house as even an OPTION for her (since I'm usually not there on Thursday nights anyway). I don't know what I'll do tonight when she begs and pleads for me to put her to bed, not Daddy. I will have to refuse - I can't do it. She uses me up while the Disney Princesses CD plays in the background. (Unless I turn it off when she makes an unwise CHOICE. Like hitting me.)
I love that Love & Logic book but damn if I can perform the antics that it advises. Antics, meaning, "STAY CALM and IN CONTROL," hahahaha, and just use logical consequences and smirk to yourself because you're so much smarter than your 4-year-old. I don't know, Internet, I may not BE smarter than my four-year-old. A lot of times I think she outsmarts me.
It's just too much stress right now, from all sides. The work side and the personal side. I've presented myself as a flake at AJ's school twice this week via fax, because I can't remember which forms are due when, or how much to write the check for.
I did one thing right in all this noise: Yesterday afternoon I made the kids turn off the ever-lovin' TV to help me make dinner (pasta with zucchini, baked in the oven). We pulled up chairs and took turns, and had dance parties while we waited for the oven to heat up, and the pasta to boil. That was fun and good medicine for all of us. (Vegetable Ninjas!)
I hope that a good weekend, a date night with DH and another couple of friends, and The Hunger Games (odd choice for a pick-me-up, I know) will pick me up. I need to get back on the treadmill, back out in the sunshine. Back to normal.
And I feel silly saying all this about a dog, especially when I didn't have to do the hard part of being there at the moment. DH is likely suffering more. I know nobody who's ever loved a pet could hold it against me, and that it's normal and he was a family member and all of that stuff. I know it, but I just can't grant myself permission not to feel slightly "get over it" toward myself.
Then we've had extra tantrums from KT, who only had fever for about 12 hours on Tuesday/Wednesday but whose mood has remained crappy. I know she's under stress, too -- she has asked every day, "Where is Polie?" and "Why is Polie in Heaven?" so she's processing it slowly -- but the stupidity surrounding her bedtime (not to mention her waking up time) is just about to kill me dead. Last night my choir practice was cancelled, but the previous night I had declared in ALL CAPS That I was DONE putting her to bed, DONE!! Poor DH replied, rightly, "Don't get mad at me!" So last night, as I was saying, I went out anyway, even though I had nowhere to go. I took a book I felt it was time to revisit -- Parenting with Love and Logic, thank you again for the years-ago recommend, MB -- and do you know what I did? I ran away. From my 4-YEAR-OLD. To A BAR. I had a glass of red wine (okay, two) and sat there in silence for 2 hours and it was nice, but felt wrong. For one thing, I've never gone to a bar by myself. I'm a 37-year-old adult but I felt like I was getting away with something. Or that people would look at me funny. For another thing I felt guilt for leaving DH with a potential tantrum. I pray alot when I do that -- please give him patience, please give him the patience that I never seem to have. I mean, I know us moms have to have our me-time, but still. I just thought it would be easier, after my declaration, if I weren't in the house as even an OPTION for her (since I'm usually not there on Thursday nights anyway). I don't know what I'll do tonight when she begs and pleads for me to put her to bed, not Daddy. I will have to refuse - I can't do it. She uses me up while the Disney Princesses CD plays in the background. (Unless I turn it off when she makes an unwise CHOICE. Like hitting me.)
I love that Love & Logic book but damn if I can perform the antics that it advises. Antics, meaning, "STAY CALM and IN CONTROL," hahahaha, and just use logical consequences and smirk to yourself because you're so much smarter than your 4-year-old. I don't know, Internet, I may not BE smarter than my four-year-old. A lot of times I think she outsmarts me.
It's just too much stress right now, from all sides. The work side and the personal side. I've presented myself as a flake at AJ's school twice this week via fax, because I can't remember which forms are due when, or how much to write the check for.
I did one thing right in all this noise: Yesterday afternoon I made the kids turn off the ever-lovin' TV to help me make dinner (pasta with zucchini, baked in the oven). We pulled up chairs and took turns, and had dance parties while we waited for the oven to heat up, and the pasta to boil. That was fun and good medicine for all of us. (Vegetable Ninjas!)
I hope that a good weekend, a date night with DH and another couple of friends, and The Hunger Games (odd choice for a pick-me-up, I know) will pick me up. I need to get back on the treadmill, back out in the sunshine. Back to normal.
Wednesday, April 11
Today
My day so far:
Still grieving/getting used to the loss of Polie...
KT=101.3 fever=home with me...
(working at home?? Probably not)
Had to get food to AJ's school for lunch today, since dog and fever situations prevented it from happening Mon or Tues....
Costco doesn't open until 10...
First Lunch starts at 10:30...ack...!
on the way between Costco and school a cop pulled out behind me, making my heart POUND...
It's 11:00 a.m. And I'm ready for my wine.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Still grieving/getting used to the loss of Polie...
KT=101.3 fever=home with me...
(working at home?? Probably not)
Had to get food to AJ's school for lunch today, since dog and fever situations prevented it from happening Mon or Tues....
Costco doesn't open until 10...
First Lunch starts at 10:30...ack...!
on the way between Costco and school a cop pulled out behind me, making my heart POUND...
It's 11:00 a.m. And I'm ready for my wine.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Tuesday, April 10
Monday, April 9
It would have been an outdoor picnic, if not for allergies!
Being back in the office after a lovely 5-day Spring Break/Easter weekend is really no fun at all. Good thing my Lenten ban on blogging during work hours has been lifted!
My mind feels quite distanced from the buzz of work, after taking Wednesday through Friday of last week off. I needed it -- we have been straddling ridiculous levels of politics and nonsense at my office (in fact, one coworker is, at this very moment, running up and down the hall behind me, trying to complete a task for the Prez, I guess, but... ugh. annoying AND stressy). I was free to Not Think About it during my days off, and that was a mental break I greatly appreciated. I don't know how much office politics you deal with on a daily basis. I, myself, have never dealt with as much as I'm dealing with now. It's not directly related to my job, thankfully -- it's upper executive level stuff, like Org Charts and Restructuring and who reports to whom, hiring and firings, and why won't they tell us "X," (even though we already know through the grapevine) and "your budget has been frozen," and all kinds of stuff -- really. All going on at the same time, and all without any end in sight.
Never mind your actual work deadlines. Hahahaha. (That program might get cut, anyway. But might not. So do your best! Wheee!)
It makes for draining workdays and the desire for a glass of wine most every night. I typically resist but I probably deserve it.
So during our break, we took trips to the park (AJ rode his bike a full mile! And we're still on training wheels at age 7.5, which is another topic, but I'm proud of him), did errands, ate more than our share of french fries at lunches/dinners out, and on Friday the kids and I braved the Georgia Aquarium with all the rest of Atlanta's living humans. I knew it would be crowded, the last day of many districts' Spring Breaks, but I kept telling myself, "We'll make the best of it. We'll just make the best of it." And I was rewarded with kids who behaved, stayed close, didn't whine (even when it was lunchtime and MY tummy was growling, and we had to wait in epic lines), and were just really, truly cooperative. They didn't even go for the most expensive items in the Gift Shop, but were content with a 3D bookmark (AJ) and a little fish-shaped keychain (KT). I think it was a day that they'll remember fondly, and I will, too. I was proud of myself for going alone; I would have liked to experience it together with DH (he was working that day), but honestly I don't think he would have had as much fun because of the crowds. Is not a big fan. And I really wanted to go during Spring Break, so I had to make it happen.
Unfortunately, we have also had another situation brewing. Our dog has not been well. In fact, he's been in the hospital now for 5 full days and nights, and we don't know what's going to happen next. It's been hard to continue to put on the "vacation" face for the kids while we know a decision could be imminent. And we also want to give their first experience of old age/pet death the dignity and life-lesson attention it deserves. I'm waiting for a call from DH with an update. The dog is 15 and a half, and the end has loomed now for at least a year, as his eyesight has gone, and his hearing, and his arthritic hips have made it hard for him to navigate our house. This new issue (vestibular disease, if you're interested) has brought extra difficulty. The problem is, he doesn't seem to be in pain at the moment (we saw him Saturday), he just can't walk. I know that if an animal his age can't do his business on his own - and he can't right now - it's probably time, but oh, it's hard to say that it's time.
Updated to add: in case anyone Googles vestibular disease and happens upon this page, the doctors said he must have also had something else going on because he wasn't responding to the antibiotics, and vestibular disease usually is treatable. They speculate a mild stroke or a tumor.
On the bright side, my house is clean, our taxes are filed, and laundry is done. We had a really nice Easter Sunday, with plenty of candy, thumbs-up on the baskets, an easy church (and parking) experience including the Hallelujah chorus, and lunch at a restaurant with no wait. Oh, and we had a floor picnic of BLTs and deviled eggs for supper. :)
What's been going on with you?
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