Been working out...

I haven't posted anything in the "health" category in a loonnng time. But want to record here that I've been working out consistently for 4 weeks: 5 times a week, 30 minutes each time. The minimum that the health people advise, but the maximum I've worked out ... maybe ever. I had a high cholesterol lab result at the beginning of July, and it turns out that was all I needed to motivate myself to start getting out of bed at 5:30 again.

It's no fun. I have to convince myself EVERY morning by saying in my head, "You won't regret it. You won't regret it." But I'm doing it. I decided about a year ago that I don't enjoy walking for exercise. I mean, in a pinch I will do it, especially if I can listen to a good podcast while I walk. But I don't like making that my main activity. I did, for years. It was easy, no equipment required, it was outdoors (fresh air!)... but just like your taste buds change as you get older, so do your exercise preferences.

These days I'm doing videos. I think the Internet has been great for semi-introverts (read: no gyms!) who still want to work on fitness. I try to mix it up with low-impact cardio, some toning with hand weights and abs/core, and really only once a week doing a "yoga flow" that gets the heart pumping -- all from YouTube. If you're in the market for something new to you, I found Pahla B. Fitness, and am liking her. She's goofy, but relatable as a "real" person. She's not a skinny 20-something, and I feel like we could be friends. ;) And of course I still love Yoga with Adriene.

I'm not trying to diet or even watch the scale (much). Just working in hopes of lowering cholesterol.

That's it, that's the post.
(Hee, I love that recent trend in online writing: "That's it. That's the Tweet." etc.) 

30-Day Yoga Challenge

I decided to try a 30-Day Yoga Challenge, just on my own in between Whole Life Challenges. Those 7 "easy" WLC habits fall away immediately after the thing ends. No stretching or walking or anything. I'm working to NOT do that this time.

I'm using Yoga With Adriene, her Yoga Camp series, because I've heard so much about her online from others, and also hello, she's free. I like her style (now that I've gotten used to it). It's slower-paced yoga than many other videos I see online. At least so far. I'm on Day 5. Patting myself on the back -- not only for sticking to it, but also for starting on a Friday, giving me 4 full days (day off yesterday) before I had to set my alarm for 5:00 am today! But I did it. I decided that's the only time I can do a 30 or 35-minute yoga workout -- before everyone else is awake. Ten minutes after dinner? Sure. No big deal. 30 minutes? Much harder somehow. I try to remind myself that I LIKE yoga, a lot, so waking up for it is NOT actually torture. :) The good news is, we're already going to bed at 9:30 (we're so OLD!), so I'm not losing on sleep.

I'm feeling sore in some places and that is a good thing. Today's theme was 'I am alive.' In case you're curious, I try to also connect the spiritual side of yoga to my OWN spirituality. I do find yoga to be very focused on the inner Me, Me, Me. It has its place; self-awareness and self-compassion are important. But sometimes it gets to be a little too much for what I'm used to. A little too frou-frou, too hippie, too not-Jesus-focused, lol, although I appreciate the ancient tradition and the inclusive language of it all. Without trying to add any Catholic guilt to it (difficult), I try to at least look for my God on my mat. I try to take the calming strategies and the mantras and make them match my own heart and traditions. Don't want to get too deep here on a Tuesday morning at 10:00 am. (wink), and also, let me note that Adriene's style does NOT seem very spiritual, which I like. Sometimes I'm just in it for the workout and the relaxation, you know? In fact, I've only once had an instructor who was overly zealous with the Hindu stuff and the mala beads and the chanting. It did make me uncomfortable. But as far as I'm concerned, you have to find what's true for you, and I'll hold to what's true for me, and let the rest go. I'm not saying I recite the rosary while I stretch. ;) But a lot of Catholic resources online give yoga such a bad rap, and I just don't believe it's bad. I think if you're seeking the Divine, seek it in every instance. (Some websites say yoga is a tool of the devil. I ...strongly disagree. I remembered this morning that the Church also said, at one time, that Judaism was of the devil, and they tried to expel all the Jews from Spain. I just read an excellent book about that. So... they're not always right.)

I like that this is happening. Ignatian Yoga seems perfect. :) Anyway, all this is to say: another reason I'm learning that it's important to do my yoga in the early morning is so that I can find some quiet -- a prayerful moment, maybe -- and really BE in it. Not distracted or interrupted.

Speaking of self-aware: Kate is becoming so. She had a small moment this morning which caused her to wail and gnash teeth, but then she had a bit of applesauce and got over it. As she left for school, tears dried but her cheeks still rosy, I told her how pretty she looked. She came in for a hug and said she was sorry for before. "I think I was just tired." Aww. I think she was hungry, myself, but maybe both. But GOOD WORK, recognizing it was Something and ... well, getting over it.

Because I'd done my yoga I was t o t a l  z e n about the entire episode. ;)

Health kick, and a quick summary of May

I had half-caff coffee this morning and am therefore a little slow to start today. Need to grease up the wheels and get going, but eh... Monday. The managers are away this morning at a photoshoot, so I SHOULD be using the time to be productive, uninterrupted. I can't seem to do that just yet.

It's been a while, no? A busy couple of weeks there, at the end of May. We closed out the school year, I attended a local 2-day conference for work, Shawn got strep, I left him that very day to visit Jill in Seattle for her birthday weekend, he took the kids to Nanny's anyway (wore a surgical mask!), we began our Summer of Fun with Carli the Super-Babysitter, this past weekend we had my birthday and then dropped Kate off at WinShape, and here we are!

That paragraph doesn't seem like enough to illustrate those 20 days, but like I said, I'm less than fully awake. Jill doesn't drink caffeine much, so I feel like I should drink less. I'm also trying to be low-carb this week, and I vaguely remember from one of the low-carb diets that limiting caffeine is part of the deal. I do get headaches pretty badly when I don't have ANY caffeine, so maybe half-caff will be the way to wean myself from the addiction a bit. But ugh, it sucks right in this moment where I can't stop yawning.

*flits off to read more low-carb info online for a minute because you know how I love "studying" diet/nutrition ideas/rabbit-holes*

I do have some feelings about some of the previous weeks' events. Mainly:

• Kate being away at camp. Yes, I got teary when we left. My baby, so big. She expressed some understandable nervousness in the 2 weeks leading up to her departure yesterday, which in turn made me nervous. However, after many discussions with my parents and Shawn, we're all still convinced (I knew this going in, but sometimes emotions get in the way) that it's going to be wonderful for her. I think the independence from ME, in particular, will serve her well. She noticed her name on a chores list, when we were unpacking her stuff, and she was assigned to Mop. HA! I love it. Yes, indeed, teach the girl to mop and do all the other chores, please!! I realized that she's getting a small taste of what it will be like to move away from home when she's grown, and this is an invaluable lesson. I was lucky enough to have camps like this to prepare me, and so will my kids. I'm happy about that.
• My 42nd birthday. Some talks with a coworker recently about her health and getting older in general, as well as some personal body signals, have motivated me to reconsider (again again again) how I'm eating and that I must exercise. So. Low-carb for a bit. Eat LESS. Water. Vitamins. I walked 30 minutes last night and brought my shoes to work today. Let's do this.  (But let's not obsess or count or any of that ultimately deflating nonsense.)
• Visiting Jilly was fun. She's keeping busy, I can tell, and kept me busy, too, but she's also doing remarkably WELL for someone in her situation right now, and she is surrounded with the QUALITY friends that she needs and deserves, to help her if she needs help. I'm very proud of her and happy for her, and I promise, Mom and Dad, that you'll hear the bulk of the backstory soon. I learned that she was waiting for the final conclusion of the process, and that has happened. She told me that every time she tells it, she thinks it's good (meaning cleansing and healing).
• It was also fun because we did hot yoga! I was pretty intimidated but handled the WHOLE class - I didn't have to step out, although I did have to get used to dripping with sweat, something I have NEVER enjoyed. ;) But I could do the poses, even better than some of the other women in there (I know I know, yoga isn't about being "the best" but it's good to feel at least average). Also in my 42nd year I am going to try another yoga studio here. I AM, HEAR ME.

Sunny springtime, 6 pm in the backyard

I've just got to capture, for future-me, the immensely happy feeling I had yesterday, and all the past weekend, before I forget it. It will fade away, guaranteed, with all the things that will happen between now and the future.

It wasn't any grand adventure or big event. It was just us. Just a very unplanned, no commitments weekend in spring - the kind I love best. In fact, I was SO spontaneous that late the week before, I texted the mom of a friend of Kate's, to ask if she could spend the night. And she could! So I drove her home with us after school on Friday and the two girls were very happy. They were so BUSY in Kate's room -- creating an "office" in her closet, and their "business," and asking me to come shop at their store, complete with pretend money. They drew/colored the paper money and cut it out themselves. They stayed up until nearly midnight. I let 'em. Kids love doing those kinds of "dangerous" things when it's a radical night like a sleepover, right? :) I was happy to let them. (Honestly, I snoozed on the couch while they watched multiple episodes of Disney sitcoms.)

Saturday I woke up and made just-add-milk-easy muffins for them, then left! Haircut and color. I hope Shawn wasn't upset with me for leaving him with the extra kid, but it had to be done. I have a feeling they played better without me there. Kate still tends to need me to be with her. We took Reese home Saturday afternoon and then went out for dinner at our new favorite BBQ place. So yummy. We played frisbee in the backyard afterwards, AND jumped on the trampoline. That's where the magic started -- our backyard. These spring nights have been just perfect. Low humidity, lots of sun, cool breeze, no pollen, no bugs. I mean... right?? We had to have dinner outside on Sunday,  because I couldn't be kept away from that weather. (Chicken fajitas, yum.) And we played more frisbee and then the kids trampolined some more while I sat, enjoying their giggles and the breeze. I called Mom and Dad.

Other little things making me happy:

• We bought outdoor pillows for the front porch bench and chairs and they're a lovely little touch I didn't realize we needed. I love them (red, of course).
• While we still haven't extended the back porch or fixed the fence, I think our backyard is looking great and inviting, thanks mostly to Shawn's hard work (with Alex's help) to plant some azaleas and lillies, and lay a brick border. And my firepit. :) All that it needs are four $20 chairs from Target.
• Monday, today, I have been able to hold onto this Filled-Up-With-Sunshine-&-Family-Time feeling. I've really really worked at staying filled up (still am). Not letting the office burst my bubble, no sir!
• One funny thing: I managed to do some yoga last night before the kids went to bed. However, while I was trying my new pose (Fish pose - not too hard, surprisingly, but in fact I AM rightly sore from it this afternoon)... in the living room next to me were three different soundtracks: Shawn's video game - gunshots mostly, rapid-fire; Kate's YouTube video - no headphones so I could hear the guy's British accent distinctly; and Alex's YouTube video he was watching -- same British YouTube gamer guy, different episode, also no headphones. I was trying to find my zen inside my head. [[big eyes of wonderment]]

Schreiben

I've been writing in a little European booklet that was given to me by a coworker who'd been to Germany. It says, at the top, Schreiben ist nur eine Art des Sprechens, bei der man nicht unterbrochen wird." Which means, I think: Writing is just the art of speaking, without being interrupted.

Amen. Interruptions are for the birds. So I have been starting my workday mornings there, with bulleted gratitude and pleasantness. Counting blessings, without being interrupted. I start MY day -- my day belongs to ME, I've discovered, not to Am03na (or any other office), even as difficult as that sometimes is to believe. It's MY day, to begin with gratitude and whatever (coffee, stretching, meditation/prayer sometimes) makes it a GOOD day for me. It took me 41.5 years to learn this.

I haven't been writing much here, as a result. Something about that book feels a tiny bit more sacred to me. Maybe it's because the lights in the office aren't turned on yet, usually, when I write there. All's quiet so it feels more like mine.

The best thing I'm learning lately is that everything is so, so good -- that my life is the awesome big things, Family, Faith, HOME, peace, hope, and not the dumb little things like the workday to-do list or the associated drama. Sure, I have to DO those things, and function alongside them, but they're not my calling. Some big stuff. I've known it, but not been able to tap into it on a daily basis, because it takes work, to keep truth at the forefront of your mind. Especially today with falsehoods and untruths (and drama) coming at us from all directions in the palms of our hands and the Tweets of our feeds. But also because Jobs like to be loud and distracting, and if we don't fight against them, they'll dictate our lives. I'm fighting against that and thankful mine is a job that stays put in its box, in the office, after I leave. I pray never to have a job that WON'T stay in its box.

However, last Friday I had a small taste of what it might be like to work for myself as a freelance writer, at home. MAN, it was nice. I had some work to do -- I had played hooky from work, actually, much to my conscience's dismay -- so I did 30 full minutes of yoga and a lonnnnng savasana (because of the conscience, I was trying to calm myself down), then I sat down to work for an hour or so. I wrote and edited. I turned off the computer. Then I left the house with a bunch of errands to complete before spending the afternoon at school, volunteering until 5:00pm. And YEP, that is definitely how I would like to spend my days if I could. I love being at school, I've discovered, and would like to find more ways to be there, more often.

Bored out

I'm so bored with the Internet. There's nothing new. Is there? You tell me, I would say if this were still a public blog. Where are the hilarious new bloggers that I must be reading? The fun new sites I have to try?

I suppose I could DO MY WORK, but that's just too sad. No, I'm kidding -- in fact, I have a ton of work that needs doing, and none of it is terrible or awful. But I do like a good click-fest between projects, and Facebook, Twitter, my feed reader and my email just aren't doing it for me anymore. I do Instagram and Happier on my phone; they're good for a minute or two. Pinterest.... meh. I'm bored with it. The same people post the same recipes over and over, and I got to where I couldn't look at the decor or home-improvement stuff any longer because it made me feel bad about myself. There, I said it.

I used to also spend a lot of clicky time on Sparkpeople, but again, it got to be less motivational and more depressing. Maybe I'll pop over there later and see if I can kick my butt into gear. I have been using the Fitbit again, and meeting my 5,000 steps goal - woo! - after Swistle's inspirational post about it. Maybe after a few more successful days I will officially increase the goal to 6,000. And then further still, after that.

I still want to DO yoga, but I think I'm finished with the studio I have been attending. I've just never felt overly welcomed there. I think it's because I only do the one class, at random times, and am not a "regular." And that old dude, man, with the judgy eyes. I'm done with him. I might have spent some money for which I didn't get a class (I think I have 2 or 3 left on my "punchcard") but as our old friend Tess would say, it's a sunk cost. It's spent, whether or not I get anything from it. And it wasn't much. Some of the classes only cost $6 -- for an hour and 15 minute class! Bargain.

I don't know if I'll find another studio or not. Yoga is actually meant as singular meditation, after all. I like learning new poses and experiencing the kindness of yoga teachers, but... eh. I did just start receiving Yoga Journal. It's all organic and new-age and makes me feel like a bit of a faker. ;)

Today I'm bored with our weather, too! It has been gray and rainy for 4 days straight! Normally I like the moody feel of those kinds of days, and I will say it feels awfully wintery (except that the temps today will be in the high 60s), but I'm ready for some variety. It can get cold, but we need the sun once in a while.

Perhaps this last paragraph helps explain my general mood! Ha.

She was probably sick; and a yoga update

So, Kate came home from school at noon yesterday feeling cruddy. She did a lot of sleeping, and coughing. She was likely feeling cruddy all weekend (Sunday, when her whining was a day-long affair) and Monday morning, which prompted my last post.

Don't I feel like an idiot.

Oh well, nothing to be done for it now. I tried one of the calm, hug-it-out, talk about it techniques this morning with success... the first time. The second tantrum, 5 minutes later, sent me into a rage. I realize this whole thing is likely my problem, not even hers. I'll have a large guilt, please. Hold the self-loathing. If this becomes the go-to technique, then it only took me five and three-quarter years to figure out my own child. Yay?

Anyway, a good sweat would help me feel better so I'm off to yoga today. It's been so long that I'm nervous again, just like the first time I went. Stupid. I hope that guy isn't there. I've always seen him on Fridays; I hope he only goes once a week and not twice. Ugh.

3rd Yoga class

Today the actual, scheduled yoga instructor led our class, and it was the best one yet (for me). It was no-nonsense, poses I knew, I felt more comfortable, yet still verrrry challenged, and the AC was on before class started so I didn't get as steamed up. Apparently the enjoyment of yoga for me depends very much on the temperature. But I was able to concentrate, stretch, do more push-ups than usual really relax in Savasana (or Shavasana? The internet spells it both ways), and there are poses I want to attempt/work on this week (for my own memory: fallen triangle, crane and side crane, and flipped Down Dog), so that next week I can attempt them in front of people.

The biggest challenge, really, is letting go of comparison to other people. It's a huge mental block if you let it linger. And you'll fall over faster if you don't focus on YOU. A little contrary to the Jesus-Others-You mentality that we're all told is correct (and it is), but on the mat, you just have to be in your own space, and do you own thing. That's why I've liked doing yoga in my own bedroom for all these years - it's impossible to compare yourself to others when there are no others there! But again, challenge is good when we do it gently and with kindness (the instructor said that today).

I was also glad there was no crying. :) But at the risk of getting totally touchy-feely on you, I am learning that you take what you need from yoga, and you GET what you need. Last week, I needed forgiveness. For me, for sassy last-week Kate, for being gentle as I was nervous and learning. This week, I needed a good stretch of my glutes, and to feel empowered, like I can DO THIS. And that's what I got.

Next week, I'm so excited, my friend Ashley asked to join me. Even though she and I have been friends for more than 4 years now, I still feel unusually happy when she asks me to do things, or acts like she "likes me." How silly is that? I have a friend. It's still surprising. I don't mean it in a pity-me way, just in a how-cool-that-this-has-worked-out way. :)

Reporting from the mat

Class #2 today. (Manager didn't mind at all. I even took ownership of being out 1.5 hrs., and apologized. She was fine with it -- forgave me, said "oh, don't even worry about that" -- which is interesting, as you'll read...). I wanted to remember everything so this is mostly stream of consciousness-y.

I don't know if it went better than the previous -- it wasn't worse -- just different. First of all, it was a different teacher - yet another substitute. I haven't yet met the official teacher of this class, who is male, which shouldn't make any difference but, you know. So this 2nd teacher, I really liked. In fact, she was next to me the last time, taking the class with us. She is very "down to earth," which sounds cliche, but she stopped the consistent yoga-talk during class, to tell us a little story or to laugh about something. She often teased (and praised) the pregnant woman in class today about her beautiful belly. It was real. It wasn't JUST yoga, you know? It sounded just like the rest of life and that was a comfort.

I was nervous again. Butterflies nervous. Also because I'd been having a very gassy tummy all day. My truth. Sorry. I was slightly concerned about it. What might happen?! Hee.

She told us she's Jewish - so perfect because last night I was listening to the "musical memories of the high holy days," hosted by Itzak Perlman, on NPR (love), and it's Yom Kippur tomorrow. All about forgiveness -- forgiveness of SELF, for not being perfect, we all need forgiveness from others, and to be forgiving of others.

That's a language Catholics speak. Made me feel at home in Hindu-land.

In line with that "theme" for the class (the last teacher didn't do this), I made my word, my intention, "okay." Simple. Lame, maybe.
begin in child's pose, head to the mat. In prayer.
I felt uncomfortable with that until she said something like "here with mother earth." Which I liked.


was not as hard -- I didn't come out of the room already sore
she made more of taking your OWN pose, what feels good to you, right now
she said it's "more than just a physical workout, which is awesome, but there's more."
I was wearing better clothes.
the air conditioning! Wasn't turned ON until the middle of class. So it wasn't just ME being wimpy last time (because there was no AC then either)!

self-conscious about the number of times she came over to adjust my positions. eek. I want to take it as, "we can all learn from someone" and obviously she's a TEACHER and I'm the STUDENT, duh. Still, I checked and hoped that she was adjusting other people, too.

I wasn't the only one looking around, comparing. She kept telling us all, gently, to close our eyes.


and then, it brought me to tears
At the end of the class she came around and did some little nice thing on my forehead. Traced a swirly thingy. I know she could tell my chin was quivering. And when we came out of Savasana, I know she could see the tears in my eyes and on my cheeks. She looked right into them.

I don't know how the teachers react to such things. (translation: what is she thinking about me now?)

I don't know why I was crying, I wanted to stop, I wasn't sad, just moved, in a good way -- and I really tried to just. breathe. let it go. She did 3 "ohmmmms" at the end and that helped distract me. It was just like singing but I felt weird.


Guess I was cleansed. It was so nice, thinking about forgiving, being in that space, being imperfect, being "fixed" by a teacher, and being told again and again that it was okay.

Bought me some yoga

I committed to the yoga studio, buying a 7-class "card" today.

I couldn't attend this Friday's class (today), because my manager who usually works from home on Fridays, enabling me to be on "lunch-hour" for more than 1 hour, is IN the office today. (It's a 45-minute class, but getting there, parking, cooling off in the restroom for 10 minutes after the sweaty sweat-session.... etc.) I found myself rather sad that I wasn't going today, and kept remembering last Friday afternoon and how great I felt. Exhausted. Energized. Zen. (Conflicted about feeling Zen, but still Zen.) Mindful. Deeply breathing and calm. Sore that night and Saturday, but okay by Monday. I am still nervous about going back, of course. Even though I already did the hardest part of Trying It, and I didn't fail. I don't know why I think I'm not good enough -- I am. I've always been pretty flexible, and yoga's not about winning or being the best, anyway. It meets everyone where they are, as they say. Maybe I just think I'm not "granola" enough. It's all in my head.

So now this weekend, I want to buy something to wear. Everything changes when you are going somewhere public for your exercise! Ha! One nice thing about yoga is, there are no expensive shoes to buy. But you do want a top that won't expose everything when you're upside down. :) Everything I find is spaghetti-strappy, though, and that's not really my preference. We'll see.

Yoga class

Last Friday, I went to a yoga class. I have been wanting to take a class again for a long time -- a really long time -- and I have done a lot of yoga, on my own, since the last time I took a class, in 1999. YES. Fourteen years ago! Shawn and I signed up together for a beginners' class when we were dating, for a "semester," and we walked to the yoga studio near his apartment every Sunday afternoon. It was lovely.

Since then, I have done yoga DVDs, prenatal yoga, made-up variations based on how I like to stretch, and yoga On Demand on TV. I've learned a lot of the poses that we were too "newbie" to learn, in that first class (in fact, I think the thing we did most in that first class was Savasana, the corspe pose, which we called "sleeping" and one guy in our class called "snoring").

So I decided on a whim last week to do a Google search, I found a 45-minute noon class near my office, and went all alone to check it out. I had to be brave. I don't like working out with other people. And when I got there, there were several young, lithe girls with their hair in perfect messy buns, wearing fitted spaghetti-strap tank tops and tight pants. Thankfully, there was also a grey-haired man in a t-shirt, so I felt like I could bridge that gap.

Our 20-something cheerleader/ballerina instructor (I read her bio online) spoke in that wonderfully soothing way that yoga instructors speak, and she got us started right away with some Cat-Cow poses and quickly into Chaturanga. We did lots and lots of Chaturangas (push-ups, basically, if you don't know). I didn't notice them at the time but I NOTICED 8 HOURS AFTERWARDS. Good lord.

I could follow along, mostly, although she did some sequences differently than I'd done them before. I got so hot and sweaty, I was embarrassed. And my face always gets more red than strictly necessary. I hadn't pulled my newly-long hair back, either, and that was a mistake. I looked like a literal hot mess. I couldn't keep my mind properly free of worry; mostly I was thinking, "Surely it'll be over soon??" Also some "I feel fat and is everyone looking at me? Am I doing this wrong?" Clearly, I have some things to work on, mentally. Physically, I was able to keep up. I kind-of wish it had been less vinyasa and more "learn some poses," but challenge is good, right? I'm trying to decide if and when I'll go back. I might need to be even MORE brave to do that. Show my face again, heh. But it was a really great workout, for sure, and I continued the deep, calming breaths through the rest of the afternoon, which felt lovely.

At the end of class, the instructor called it "sweet Savasana," which is so perfect.