Oh hi, December, is it?

12/8 Wrapped a gift this morning. Not one I had bought, mind you, but one my Mom sent for Kate because she is on top of things. I am not fully behind -- I have placed at least one Amazon order and half of it arrived, my Christmas cards are printed and picked up, and my house is decorated. So that's all good news. Naturally, though, I feel wayyyy behind on shopping. I am hopeful to get a lot of it accomplished in the next 4 days.

Tonight, for example, after my bi-annual work meeting at a hotel across town (I'm guessing dinner will be over by 8:00...?), I will pop across the street to the mall and pick up a few things on Santa's list. Doesn't that sound light and breezy? It will be so FUN to go to the mall! Hooray for malls being open until 10 during the holidays! hahahahaha. And Shawn has suggested we go out together to look at things for our nieces (etc.) this weekend. So there is a light sketch of a plan, at least, and that makes me feel mostly okay. I don't think we'll FAIL at Christmas. 

Of course we will be traveling on Christmas Day. Home from Savannah. You know what that means: Pizza Rolls! 

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12/15 record scratch. I didn't finish the post. Life got in the way. This is the neverending story of these days. Let's see... the work meeting went well, although the mall was NOT open after 8:00 pm! So there went that. I have had to go IN to my new office way too many days lately. Although it's a lovely new place, I'm not loving having to leave the house again. And so many MEETINGS lately.

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12/17 I just this hour finished a project that has been WEIGHING DOWN my to-do list (work) for the past 3 months. It didn't have a firm deadline, but did require several subsequent tasks, and I just COULD NOT for the life of me start it. But now it's finished. Thank the Elves Above! Now, after today's Early Dismissal and pickup at Kate's school, which begat a somewhat impromptu trip to the Marietta Market for an 8th graders' lunch, including me driving two girls there and being asked to "watch out for" another girl whose mom was also juggling other things. It was nice enough -- and a lovely day to be eating outdoors! In December! 66 degrees, sunny! -- but of course set me back, work-wise. Eh, I thought, as I drove us home at 2:00, it was a long lunch, big deal. And where was that attitude all of November and these preceding weeks?? lol.

ANYWAY. I have now finished that task and can coast to the end of the workday (maybe) by getting things prepped for when I login again on December 29th AND NOT BEFORE. Hence, this draft finally getting finished. (We'll see.)

As I told Suzanne (remember that no one reads this blog but us, it's private), I have felt behind so often this last month or so. And I guess it's good to write that down for posterity. Every workday seems to be a race -- even when I've been working from home. Maybe especially when I work from home, because I try to do HOME things as well as WORK things. I have forty-three things I need to do, and 5.5 hours to do them, with 2 meetings on the calendar seems like every day. The worker-bee part of me says, "I should not DO home things on work time!" but the kinder, gentler me says, "Hey. You are allowed to live your life. You are allowed to take 30 minutes to workout or unload the dishwasher. Or sit, away from the laptop, to eat lunch." And again, you'd think that I'd have figured out the balance at this point in our pandemic lives, but somehow I haven't. Or, when school started back in August it all went out of whack. 

I haaaaate to go on and on about the same thing (tl;dr - Lee is in a busy stage of life). My sister told me over the phone that she's trying not to say the word "busy" anymore. She says, instead, that her days are "full." I like the sentiment, and I agree it's BORING to say, "I'm/we're so busy." Everyone is; shut up. One thing that helps me is to just keep telling myself to KEEP GOING. And that it will all end abruptly one day when the kids are up and gone, and THIS is the MEAT of a good, good life, the exact life I wanted and wished for. (Sometimes it helps.) Just one foot in front of the other, do the next thing due.

As discussed elsewhere, Christmas spirit seems to be hard to come by this year. Again, just want to record it for Future Me: 2021, it seems, isn't feelin' it. For me in particular, my kids are (still okay, as kids go, but) at an age that appreciates very little. That's hard. They don't seem to care or worse, they openly roll their eyes and sigh in my direction. [I'm laughing at my own joke, they're "still okay, but..." haha.] Guess I've not done a very good job modeling GRATITUDE. To the New Year's Resolutions List it goes. 

Okay. So, yesterday I put my Christmas cards in the mail, wildly without return addresses, so if they get lost, TOO BAD! I didn't have time to get the nice, rounded-corners-matte card stock; ours are just glossies from Walgreens. lol. The photo is one of all four of us that already got posted on Facebook, so everyone's seen it -- not to mention there's a random guy in the back that I couldn't crop out -- but they're done, and I hand-wrote a small message on EACH ONE, so take that! I think I have most of what I need for my own kids' gifts, and maybe even enough time to figure out the rest in the next couple of days off. 

First, I'd like to drink a large Peppermint White Russian, read some of my mystery novel (Bury Your Dead by Louise Penny, which I'm enjoying), and take a nap. Just as soon as I set my out of office. 

Here's hoping the brain cobwebs clear out and I start focusing on what's GOOD, real soon! Merry Christmas!

Productivity or Lack Thereof

I am having the hardest time with productivity. Even while working from home. I've tried lots of different approaches to managing it: 

• Making a long, continuous to-do list. Doesn't work. I keep adding to it and feel like I never cross things off; I do, it just doesn't feel like it since the list gets longer.
• Scheduling tasks on my calendar. I've tried to make this work for a LONG time, but it's a hard Nope. I get mad when someone else's meeting (no one respects other people's calendars), or pop-up task, forces me to move MY task. 
• Pomodoro method. Kinda successful, but the time I give myself for a task (25 minutes, 30 minutes) is almost never enough to get it completed. So I start the timer a second time (after a break), but then can't focus again. Probably a me-problem.
• Lately I'm trying the Top 3 tasks of the day method. It's going... ok, I guess, but again, other things pop up and so I don't always even finish 3 measly items. !!!! It's infuriating. 

I've also learned that OMG, when I am in the office, it's nothing but Distraction from my boss! I love her dearly, but she talks to herself, and kind-of halfway to me, through the wall that we share, and it's SUPER annoying. Like, "Mike Smith calling me, wonder what he wants?" or "Did we...." (as she clicks around in her files)... "oh, here is that thing I'm looking for, never mind!" AGHHHH. Working at home so much during COVID has made me really NEED my quiet.

Anyway, I'm at the office today, and I have one meeting at 10:00 am which is a rather stressful topic (and promises one million more tasks in my future), so I'm dreading it. I hope to finish things BEFORE that meeting: Task number one in the next hour. Then task number two after the meeting, and task number three right after lunch and before I have to leave here at 3:00 (am loving the hard-stop at 3:00 for carpool, I have to say). 

I guess I can't stay here and whine about it but need to get going, lol. 

3 Reasons I Got Fired Up This Weekend

THREE different things got me well and truly fired up over the last several days. Let me tell you them:

1. An idiot kid posting threatening things on SnapChat, scaring students at Alex's high school so much that they were walking out of class immediately on Thursday. Supposedly, this was a kid who was expelled a few years ago from HHS, and was known as mentally unstable. He didn't mention HHS specifically, only warned "Don't go to school tomorrow if you know what's good for you," or something similar, and it spread like wildfire, scaring parents and kids alike. I saw some administration commentary indicating they had the situation under control with police, but: We had to have a family talk about "Do we send you to school and risk YOUR LIFE if a bomb or shootout is planned? Or do we keep you at home, needlessly interrupting your work if nothing at all happens?" We love him so much, and I know he knows that, but we decided, based on what we knew, that "we will not live our lives in fear" and sent him to school. He said, heartbreakingly, that he felt pretty safe at school in general, and the only thing he'd be a little worried about was his 2nd period class which takes place on a main hallway (the rest are in basement classrooms well away from doors). And I mean, GODDAMMIT. No kid should have to have that kind of understanding of how a shooting works.

It is unacceptable that this was our reality, even once. He went to school SCARED -- he might not admit it, but any amount of going to school nervous/scared is TOO MUCH. I went to work praying Hail Marys and "St. Michael the Archangel, Defend Us in Battle" and had knots in my stomach most of the day.

Nothing happened, ultimately. A lot of kids were absent on Friday. (The school admin had said it would be excused.) County police did contact the kid and I imagine he was properly intimidated. I hope they told him making threats is NOT OKAY. I'm glad we trusted our guts and the systems in place for safety... But STILL.

When administration finally emailed parents Friday around noon, saying they had increased security presence on campus and not to worry, the kid had been handled, I cried. Didn't realize I'd been holding so much stress in. I have a lot more curse words in me about the whole situation.

2. A possible schism: I don't know if you know this, but there's division happening in the American Catholic church. Mostly online, on Twitter, but I discovered it is spreading to "real life," too. There are Very Conservative "Rad Trads" (radical traditionalists, I think), and there are more progressive "Pope Francis/social justice" Catholics. One of the more well-known progressives is Father James Martin, a Jesuit priest who happened to write a popular book about how the Church should be welcoming and loving to our LGBT brothers and sisters. It's called "Building a Bridge."

We have 2 new-ish musicians at my parish, we'll call them Chrissy and Glen. I've enjoyed singing with Chrissy because she tends to love the 4-part harmony, traditional hymns more than the feel-good guitar songs -- and I agree with this, musically. She also really likes this young priest we have (that I can't stand) who is super rigid and preaches about Church Rules and nothing else. All the time. You're a Sinner and don't you forget it. (Barf. Not helpful. Give me something to hold on to, not more guilt.)

Anyway, Glen joined Chrissy and me in the music room this past Saturday night before Mass, and asked if I had met a new seminarian who has just arrived. (I haven't.) "Oh yeah, his name's Ben," Kate chimed in -- she had met him at a school assembly. Glen went on, with an obvious eye-rolling look toward Chrissy, "He's... building a bridge.... Have you heard of Fr. James Martin?" And I put it allllll together and realized these 2, G and C, are clearly part of the Rad Trad crowd.

It was such a quick little comment, and of course with Kate in the room I didn't want to get into it.... But YES, I know who James Martin is, I actually really admire him online. Are you saying Ben is gay, Glen?? Is what I thought to myself. I should have played dumb: "What EVER do you mean??" and made him explain himself. It was just a jerk thing to say. Who cares if Ben is?

Regardless, I don't like the idea that the schism is going to take place right here in my own tiny circle. Just.... No. Don't bring that crap here.

3. A Moms' text thread: Basketball is about to get started. Here's the backstory: Kate has played since the 3rd grade, and her little team of girls has won exactly 1 (o n e) game in all that time (she is now in 6th!). Sunday we got a note saying there were only 5 girls signed up for 6th grade bball, and the athletic director is recommending they "play up" with the 7th grade girls, unless they can get at least 3 more 6th graders registered. Fine by me. Sounds like good experience to play up. No biggie.

Well. One of the moms is all, "Our girls won't get any playing time!" and "We don't want to do this, we need a 6th grade team!" and I don't get it. WHY would you want to field a team with only 5 girls (or even 8)? It means they'll have to wear themselves out playing entire games with no subs. They won't ever win. They won't have a fighting chance! Who CARES if they play with 7th grade?!

I was so annoyed. I wasn't going to argue, but this 1 mom (whom I don't like anyway) kept texting. Finally I said my piece: "I'd like them to win once in a while. If they're outnumbered by every other 6th grade team, I feel like that's less likely." No one argued back. (SO THERE.) Maybe I should've kept out of it but I didn't think they were thinking straight.

All this drama!! Too much for one weekend!

TGIF for the holidays

It's not really a stressful week unless I complain about it on my blog, so here goes: It's been A Week.

• One of the main reasons that this week finally got to me, yesterday (a Thursday), is that of course, I let any notion of exercise completely drop. First. The first thing I do is stop doing 10 minutes of exercise and 10 minutes of stretching. If I'm going to feel stressy, I am going to Go For The Gold of stressy and not even help myself. Duh.
• It hasn't been THAT much worse than our regular weeks, honestly. The kids have had after-school activities on T/W/Th of every week this semester. This week we added in an Alex band rehearsal Monday afternoon (requiring pickup), basketball team photos Tuesday at 5, concert Tuesday night, a holiday dinner for my office last night, and Kate's Christmas program tonight. Okay, well, maybe that is a lot of additional stuff. But we managed it fine, really, swapping pick-ups and drop-offs and what-not. I don't know why it felt so HEAVY. It just all happened in the same week, that's what.
• The weather's been crappy, that's another thing. When it is below 30 degrees, I don't feel right making Alex walk to the bus stop, call me crazy. (I WOULD, if the kid would WEAR HIS COAT, but he won't.) And it isn't a huge deal to drop him off at school, but it does push back my work-arrival time a little, which makes me eeeeek. I don't know why, no one cares but me.
• There's been a bit of hurried Christmas-gift-getting at the lunch-hours when I can get out, and the traffic on the street between my suburban office building and the shopping area is Stupid Traffic. I have been able to get most of what I need -- haha, "need", so that the kids have 8 gifts each from Mr. Claus and a few from "us" (does Kate still actually believe or not? The world may never know) -- and also to the UPS store twice, to ship packages to the family we won't see this year. I love the UPS store for how easy they make it, by packing AND shipping, but they do charge an arm and a leg, sheesh. 
• Work. I do actually have a lot of work to do right now, and it's the very definition of soul-sucking: I'm rewriting old website articles and basically keyword-stuffing them. It makes me sad to produce such ugly prose but I am being directed to by one of the 7 agencies that our boss has contracted with, to tell us everything we do wrong. Basically. Anyway, the days are FULL with trying to get all those articles re-worked before our Dec. 14 deadline. Oh, hello, it is today.
• At least I skipped choir this week. Did myself one favor. 
• I also made Kate skip singing in the children's choir at all this year, because I couldn't fathom how to fit it into the schedule. She told me the other day that her choir-friends have solos for Christmas. (And she doesn't.) So now I feel really bad about that, when I was just trying to practice SELF-CARE.

Oh well. It's nearly over. I'm ready for a reset with 8 days off in a row. I can think about holiday menus next week maybe! :)

Inside My Mind on a Quiet Sunday

I got myself into a little mental spiral yesterday, after leaving the kiddos at Susan's (MIL) for the week, and having 4+ hours of quiet time in the car trip back home. Here are a few of the things I was mulling over (and over and over and over):

1. When will it be our TURN, to live a more relaxing life? I don't mean winning the lottery  necessarily, or living a life of luxury. Because, as Shawn and I discussed last night, that would only lead to a different set of stresses. And we have a good life already. What I mean is, when will we be able to have a daily round that has more EASE? I feel like this summer has turned out to be very busy and slightly stressful day to day, after a school year which was also busy and stressful. I'd like to have the opportunity to just BE sometimes, and not always DO. To not have a tasks list. I'm grateful for this good life, but, you know?? Do we have to wait until we're retired? That doesn't seem fair.

1a. Am I allowing too many extracurriculars? Would cutting those back help me feel better? I have an opportunity to do so, here with a choir director leaving (again). Perhaps that's the first thing that should go - my choir commitment. And possibly Kate's. That's at least 2 nights of more ease, plus Sundays, so...probably. Yes.

2. Are we providing a good life for our kids? Is this life, which feels stressful to me, also stressful to them? Have they had a good, or a stressful, summer? (If it's been stressful for Alex, I can at least lay some of the blame on high school. He has an unreal list of summer homework and I'm mad about it.) We're doing our best. Is it good enough?

2a. Has leaving them at home alone so much this summer, so we can work, been the right thing to do? Has it made them feel abandoned? Or has it, on the other hand, helped them develop the skills of independence, time management, and self confidence? Taught them the value of hard work (seeing Shawn and I work hard) (and also helping with some chores every day while we're gone - simple things like litter box duty and laundry and loading/unloading the dishwasher)?

3. Do we need to move one grandparent or the other set up here closer to us? Will we, eventually? How will we even do that? How many weekends would it take to clear out and sell Susan's house? Or would she rather stay with her friends down there? I suppose the latter. I guess I started thinking about this because being in her house is so unpleasant, unfortunately. Wouldn't it be nice to get her into a nice, new living situation, for our sakes? 

4. How can we be better at communicating with family? We need to FaceTime with grandparents (and Aunt Jane) (and what about other aunts, uncles, cousins?) more often. We should do it during dinner, once a week, pick someone and call, so we all get to talk with them. Doesn't matter that dinner is supposed to be device-free. This would be better than NOT calling. Susan gave Shawn a little dig about not visiting more than once a year, and it hurt a little. We do the best we can. It goes back to #1, we're just always so busy. Even on weekends. When we do get a 3-day weekend, gosh, sometimes we just need a fricking DAY OFF. And I feel like this is not abnormal -- that every family with kids in school has this same schedule, this same level of busy. But I/we feel bad that we DON'T visit more often. (Nor do we visit Pensacola very often. Or, ever.) And it sucks that we NEVER seem have 2 full weeks -- or even one full week -- left at the end of the calendar year, for holiday trips. Never. We carefully ration our vacation days, and still, we can't get away for holidays in December. Also, we sometimes don't want to travel during the holidays, and then we're made to feel bad about it by some people.

I guess that's enough. My brain is tired. Overall, everything is fine, of course. Exactly as it's meant to be. But I got all thinky, and these are the things that bubbled up to the surface.

Weary

Funny how everyone kept saying, "I'll just be so GLAD when this is over," all during the election cycle, and now that it's over, no one is glad.

I'm disappointed to see T-Rump representing us. It made me say a bad word when I woke up Wednesday and checked the news. He's not a decent person, I don't think. Not by a long shot. But you know what? This is how American democracy works, and why are people surprised that the "change" candidate won? That's normal after an 8-year term. I'm sick of the reaction to it already. I am sorry for the people who feel despondent and betrayed, and as I said, I don't like him either, but I'm weary of all the dramatic, earnest, "I will"/"I will not" posts in my social feeds. (Note to self: Stop checking FB, duh. And stop listening to news radio for a while.)

I downloaded two new books to distract me. Last night, though, I fell asleep immediately, at around 9:00, and wasn't able to shake myself out of it enough to make lunches or read. Shawn and I both, we think, aren't adjusted to the time change! Isn't that weird? Our kids seem fine, it's the grown-ups who can't get used to it. AskMoxie didn't warn me about this, heh.

Today I woke up with neck pain. I don't know what's going on with my shoulder and neck, but it's not great. I suspect that years of choral singing contribute to the shoulder pain -- holding a hymnal high and out in front isn't doing me any favors. Nor is sitting at a computer and reaching for the mouse all day every day. And probably, doing a lot of downward-facing dog and other yoga poses without really thinking about shoulder alignment. For the last 3-4 weeks I have had pretty consistent pain at the front of my right shoulder. Sometimes, I guess, when it's worse, I hold tension there and it moves across to my neck. Like today. I roll it and turn it and stretch it but nothing's working yet. I'll end up taking an Aleve but I'd kind-of like to just leave it alone and see what happens. Will it seize up completely? Should I go see a doctor? Probably. But I don't feel like having to do X-rays, only to be told they don't see anything, and I'm too chicken to try a chiropractor. I don't know. Modern problems. I've heard of people going to the doc for aches and pains and being told, "It's because you're using your mobile device too much." I don't want THAT diagnosis, either - how embarrassing. We'll see what happens. We've talked about investigating a new, fancy Sleep Number bed, too.

Since I'm already a little grumpy (but overall great! Kids are great! Husband even better! It's finally fall! It's almost the weekend!) I'll also tell you that I STILL, after 20 years at this writing thing, get annoyed when I get edited. Which happened this morning. (Or, not so much edited as told, "I'm not seeing the connection between this headline and that text," or, "It doesn't look right, now that I see it in the layout." It's never the layout's fault, by the way. It's NEVER that maybe it should have been designed differently. Nope.) So I'm off to go rewrite a headline that I thought was a good, unique, able-to-be-translated way to SAY THE SAME THING AGAIN. Argh.

Pumpkin Spice Latte Day

Picture me with my red cup! Yummy.

It's Friday, 8:11 am and so far I'm still the only one in the office that I can tell. Did everyone take the day off and not tell me? No, my UK teammate just called me for a little chat. I learned that, on top of the confidential stuff happening here in the US, regarding which I've already been approached to "help cover responsibilities" (naturally) (again), our German teammate has just told us she has to have surgery on Dec. 4 and will likely be out until Janaury, so guess what? Can I "help cover responsibilities" for her, too?  WHY, SURE! This is so awesome!

I was remembering last year at my appraisal/review, and Ms. Meany-Pants boss told me one of the things I need to work on... hang on, let me dig out the sheet... ah, here it is... was being "Flexible." Let me read the delightful comment:

Score: 2/5 = Requires Development. While Lee is willing to pitch in when asked to, there are times when something is requested spontaneously and Lee's reaction seems a bit negative.... I do think that Lee has done a good job in adapting to so much change in the past year, but I would like to see her respond better to the changes in priority and the last minute pop up projects.

Hahahahaha! WELL. I think I've been PRETTY GOSH-DANG flexible, and I apologize in advance that I have not "developed" any further in that area but....it's because all the stupid crap is STILL HAPPENING. These idiots. They changed my job description without even telling me first. I WENT WITH IT. =flexible. And I actually don't think that I'm any more negative than anyone else, and if they say ANYTHING about it this year, I will be certain to throw names out. No one here is positive, because no decision ever makes sense, there is NO leadership -- and they continually DUMP on a few of us. They can't ding me for taking on the mood of the entire team, or for being A BIT NEGATIVE.

Sorry.

Didn't mean to get into all that. Incidentally, appraisals are due today, and no one has even bothered to mention mine (because my manager resigned, remember). Maybe I'll get out of it this year? Doubtful. But one can hope.

edited to add: my coworker in Germany is fine, I hear. I asked, I promise. I am concerned about her surgery, not just myself, despite how this reads.

Three days, including today, and then I will be on vacation. And even if it's busy with cooking and traveling and family gatherings, guess what? IT'S NOT HERE.

(I actually can't wait for the cooking and family gatherings. Love you, Mom and Dad -- see you soon!) 

Job-y

Small things in the grand scheme but I need to vent a few thoughts about work today. Not the way I usually do! Just about the way my company seems to operate. UGH. You won't believe it.

In the last 2 weeks it was decided to split my job description in half and hire someone to replace one half of my function, without telling me beforehand. They told me on a Friday, New Guy started the very next Monday.

This is bad enough on its own. But they way they're treating and "training" him -- and I use the terms very loosely -- is frustrating me even more. On his first day, my manager set up three meetings, me with New Guy. Not her, too -- no "leadership" involved, just hello, here is your replacement, start training him. No instruction about these meetings, just a title that appeared in my calendar. "B2B training, 10:00 am." No pre-training discussion at all about how these responsibilities are going to be divided in the future, if I'm handing them off completely or if/how we will split the tasks. I don't know what New Guy knows, or what he doesn't. So I did the sessions, but he hadn't yet had any BASIC company training, like WHAT PRODUCTS WE SELL, or anything. It's... been a cluster.

Aside from that, his 2nd day here, his (my) manager was out of town. She had scheduled him a few meetings, I guess, but I think he was floating around, mostly unsure what to do. I know he left early that day with her blessing (via email), because she didn't have anything else for him. Fine, understandable. Did I mention he was taking notes on printer paper he scrounged up? He was given no supplies. No legal pad. No company catalog. Nothing to study besides what I had emailed him for our "trainings." Nothing.

Today he asked me, "Is there like, a microwave around where I can warm up something?" AYFKM?! I would have done these types of things -- building tour, product catalog introduction -- but I wasn't given a copy of his schedule and didn't know if someone else was already doing it. I assumed they were but GUESS WHAT? Nope.

Finally yesterday, I think my role has been sorted out by my new bosses. There was definitely miscommunication among upper management because my current boss and my future bosses had differing opinions about my tasks. The timeline for "transition" has been established. I'm to keep working on my same stuff, status quo, until Sept 30, and train/transition as necessary. After that, I leave X, X, and X responsibilities behind and do only Y responsibilities. I will be suuuuuuper grateful for that day. In the meantime I have to decide when/how to train and share my stuff, because apparently no one else will tell me. That's fine, I am a responsible person and could manage a team better than they are, obviously, so I can manage this, but ZOMG, as we  used to say.

ZOMG.

Collection, part 2

Um.

This does not seem to be getting better. I know I said I'm too sleepy to appreciate work or love anyone, but here are a few notes:

4....there's not a lot of friendly chatter. Ever. I can even instigate with a, "How was your weekend? Did your garage door get fixed?" (a fact known only by the email stating she would arrive late due to a repair appointment). The answer comes swiftly, "I have to get it replaced... so, yeah, that's a bummer. The weather was nice, though. Kids and I were outside a lot."

The End. Start meeting.

No reciprocal niceties, is what I'm saying. Who does business like this? I get "efficiency" but... you can afford to have a quick chat and act interested in your teammates. Direct reports. Whatever.

5....Secretarial work. Many assignments of filling in Excel spreadsheets. I am NOWHERE job-described as the Marketing Admin. But I am surely being treated as such. I'm trying like hell to cooperate and be willing, and help her get the department where it needs to be in order to move forward with purpose (I'll give her that we're starting from a very rough and reactive "strategy"). However. Excel spreadsheets that must be filled in line by line, with info that one finds using Google, are jobs for an INTERN.

Sleep, again

Besides my lack of a cardio habit, I think I'm not getting enough sleep every night. My typical weeknight's sleep is about 6 hours, which, according to all the Internet experts, isn't enough. I need at least one more hour. Shawn's laughing right now because he is sure I get plenty of sleep. On the couch, when I'm "supposed" to be watching our TV shows. But it doesn't count.

What I actually need is to give up sitting with Kate for 15 minutes -- 30-40 if I fall asleep -- while waiting for her to fall asleep. No duh, right? I'm embarrassed to say I really don't know how to make that transition. I tried enough times when she was 3, 4, 5... that I finally gave up trying. She's only little once, after all. My heart still tells me that's a truth, but my mind is wishing it could use the 9 o'clock hour instead of losing (most of) it. She needs to get to bed earlier, too, something that she is unlikely to accept.

I think it wouldn't be a big deal, except that it makes everything else a big deal. I know my lack of sleep affects my ability to perform well at work, for example. It makes me, for lack of a better word,  grumpy when I'm here. I definitely have a hard time with focus. I flit from one thing to another aimlessly. And I have this low-level simmer of hating everything. Probably.... not healthy for body or spirit.

Collection

Hrm. Another dip in the line of "do I like my new manager or not?"

I need a place to collect grievances. (No, I don't like being this picky/grumpy, but already it feels like I might need the list to refer to in the future.)

1. Scratched on her phone all during my B2B presentation. On her first day.
2. Has been given responsibility for print projects for the US. Immediately used me in a rather secretarial way, asking me to do something (get print estimates) that is absolutely NOT in my current job description.
3. Sent me an early-morning request to write "Sales Scripts" for telephone and email --- something I've never, ever done -- and gave me ONE DAY, assuming I had nothing else on my schedule, I guess. When I told her I could spend an hour on it today, she replied, "This is priority."

Stay tuned.

Go on, GUESS how I'm feeling.

Whiny. The answer is "whiny," about work this week (total shocker), even though I KNOW I should be grateful for having a job, and yes, it's only a small part of my overall amazing life. Amazing. Grateful, indeed. Part of it is re-entry after Thanksgiving break, which was so lovely and long (3 days off, plus a weekend! Luxury!) and we went to Pensacola and there, at Mom and Dad's, is where I feel comfortable and secure, and also able to be lazy (sorry, Shawn). And cousins. I had such fun letting our kids play with Tom and Dominique's kids, and they all just adore each other. It's hard to leave all that fun.

But my malaise is more than just post-vaca blues, because before the break, I'd had an annual performance review with a new manager who is more critical than my previous manager. She did me in with the "Needs Improvement"s. Sad face. When I see my Outlook calendar or my to-do list, I'm left with a really low, dejected spot in my mind, and uninterested in implementing any resulting goals. It's the opposite of what I think I'm supposed to feel, which is "Motivated and Enthusiastic to do Better, and be more Awesome!" Don't get me wrong, she applauded me on ... one or two things.

Scratch that -- you can go ahead and get me wrong. I guess I've always been a top student and not getting an A hurts a bit. A lot. (Even though I wasn't that surprised by the review, and during it, I didn't get emotional or even argue anything. It's just that 4 or 5 days later, it's starting to sting.)

Anyway, on top of that delightfulness, there are many, many new and Very Important projects. Ideas that people come up with, that they never manage to think all the way through. Or follow up about. But they manage to send me an email with an ACTION item. And they needed it yesterday.

I guess if I combine the two problems -- goal malaise plus things that need following-through-on -- I could come out on top, by bringing some things to fruition and thus looking awesome.

But blogging and Twitter and online shopping all seem like a lot more fun to me right at this moment.

Mad (both meanings)

Ooooh, something happened earlier at work that SET ME OFF and I vented to my coworker very loudly about it! I'm still feeling the heartrate increase and it's been at least an hour. I think all the same drama/stress (firings and hirings, and lots of attitudes and me still feeling undirected and underappreciated, in a small company) that's been squashed down over the last few weeks just finally had to get out. Normally I just type my little typings, do my thing, head down. Get the work done and get out of there. But today, man. Watch out.

;)

Why are so many workplaces so stupid??

I wasn't sure how we were going to manage this past weekend's family schedule, but we did it. Multiple Saturday sleepovers and cross-town birthday parties for the kids to attend, a party for the adults (Shawn and I made our appearance but could hardly wait to leave it, sadly), and a fun concert on Friday night (Capital Cities in downtown ATL) kept us going in high-gear until Saturday around 9:00pm. I got changed into my comfy pants and basically went to bed right then. I was d.o.n.e. Slept until 8:00 am on Sunday, and weirdly, or maybe not weirdly, I was even more tired Sunday afternoon. Like, HEAVY tired.

So THIS weekend, if we were smarter, would be long, lazy days at home with nothing to do. Unfortunately, that is not how it's going to be. Tra-la! We're in the thick of fall! Shawn and Alex (and Brandon) leave for their Scout camping trip early Saturday morning. Right on their tails the same morning, Kate and I must attend a 5K fundraiser for my job. I want to look forward to it -- a chance to be outside and walk, casually, in one of my favorite spots in town -- but it's supposed to be 30-something degrees out and it's the day after Halloween! Blerg!! NOT optimal timing. And then in the evening, Kate sings with the choir at Mass, AND she wants a friend to spend the night, too. YEESH. Speaking of which, I'd better get off here so I can email the mom.

But maybe after THAT, on Sunday, I will be free to rest (ha) or do something *I* want to do. Like decorating the guest room a little. Maybe.

What things are you doing this fall?

This week in my brain

Things feel a little out of control. We're back to school, the first full week, and they're throwing us all the way in, right away. There were/are parent-teacher meetings Tuesday and Thursday nights, plus the Cub Scouts kick-off tonight, and already there's homework and lunches to make every day, since Fun Food doesn't start until next week. I dread those long, every-day lunchbox weeks.

Alex is handling it pretty well so far. He's excited to have color-coded his schedule and his 5th-grade binder. He has a lot of work to do to learn "responsible" and "organized," but he's beginning the work. He wants to be successful.

And not to compare the two kids, who are obviously at different stages of independence and development, but Kate is handling it... less well. Six is difficult. Kate is six. I worry she isn't getting enough sleep. She still requires me to sit with her while she takes a bath, falls asleep, and this morning she wanted me to sit with her while she got dressed. (I've read that this is pretty normal for her age, but it's tiring.) This morning. This morning was difficult. She's been doing better with waking, but not today. I hate the morning rush. I hate that I feel such a need to be punctual to my job. I should not care. (On the other hand, this is how the world works. Punctuality is a good trait to have and teach.) However, maybe I should help her as much as she needs, and THEN get myself ready to go. That might have to be this year's adjustment. But then there's the need to teach them independence, too. How to do that, while being helpful and secure for them at the same time? I just don't know. Everything is one huge contradiction, and kind-of on repeat.

Wait, I can't let Alex totally off the hook, because over the weekend HIS behavior had us absolutely baffled, too. He gets bored, I guess, or frustrated, and he flails around, unable to control his movements. I'm serious. And if Kate pisses him off, watch out. He'll go right up to her and punch... the couch cushion, an inch away from her leg or something. Repeatedly. Or he'll just walk around SIGHING. Or, he gets self-deprecating in the extreme. If he's gotten in trouble for pushing his sister earlier in the day, then the next time we look at him with a raised eyebrow it's, "I mess up EVERYTHING" and "I should just go in my room for the rest of the WEEKEND. That's what I'll do, I deserve to."

I realized something yesterday: I'm feeling very untethered at work right now, and that's adding to the stress at home. Aside from the drama, there's also some transition going on and it's left me on my own to handle things. My former mgr. is no longer my mgr. We no longer have our weekly meetings where she used to keep me in the loop on the politics. Meanwhile, I see her having weekly meetings with other, less senior coworkers. My next/subsequent mgr. is also now "former," and her successor is only contract/part-time. My European counterpart has left the company, and her temporary replacement was just on a European (read: 3-week) vacation. And on and on.

So yeah. I feel like I don't have any insight, or anyone leading me. I realized I'm a doer, not a leader. Which is fine and good. The world needs doers. But I've started wishing I'd be "reorg'd" out. I could deal with some severance pay for a month or two, that wouldn't be so bad. This thought seems... unhealthy.

I mean, overall everything is fine, great. I read this, after all. I know to be grateful. But also, there's been a full moon, have you seen it?

Atmosphere

I actually feel fine, myself, but everyone in my department is moody today, and it has totally rubbed off and made me feel anxious, depressed, a little sick to my stomach and like I just want to get out of here or curl up under my desk until it all goes away. There are big changes afoot at The Company Of Constant Drama -- new people in upper management started work yesterday, and a couple of people left -- and my friend/neighbor has been cursing under her breath all day about something else that is going to cause a lot of stress in our production schedule. Then M, my manager, went into friend/neighbor's office, shut the door, and I could tell they were both griping and having some tearful moments. I don't have a clue what most of it is about, but I do know my Mgr. has been doing some kind of life/career assessment course. I bet she's fed up. I bet she might leave because she doesn't feel respected as a person.

Hm., I want to say to her, and point to the email she sent me last week. HMMM. Isn't that interesting.

I know what I SHOULD feel is sympathy. I do... but I do not.

Hmm.

Did I mention I want to run away for today? It feels weird in here.

Flexible, but not really

Here's something that happened today via email.

--

Hi Lee,

See my comments in ital. below.

--

Hi, M,

Next week is the kids’ first week back at school, starting on Thursday. The daycare camps will have all closed because Cobb County starts on Monday. I do have babysitters lined up, but might need a little extra time in the mornings for them to arrive and get settled, etc.

I also have to take the kids myself to their “Meet the Teachers” time on Tuesday, in the morning. Here’s the basic breakdown of how I hope my schedule will work, if OK with you.

Monday – in the office by 9:30 (will check email at home) – what time will you be in the office until on Monday and Wednesday?
Tuesday – Work from Home – in general I don’t have a problem with you working from home, but please make sure that if you aren’t able to work a full 8 hours you ask for an adjustment from HR for both Tuesday and Friday
Wednesday – in the office by 9:30 (will check email at home)
Thursday – normal day, 7:30-4:30
Friday – work from home PM (it’s a noon school dismissal)

The following week I’ll plan to restart my 6:30 – 3:30 days twice a week. Which days are your 6:30 – 3:30 days?

------------------------

just... I mean, I try so damn hard to make this all work. I have a friend keeping the kids Monday at her house, a cousin coming over to babysit on Wednesday, Shawn's taking a furlough day Thursday to cover that day... what else can I do? And why do they bother giving me a laptop and VPN access if they're so concerned I'm not going to do "a full 8 hours" of work? (I log my hours every single time I work from home. Just for ME -- they've never required it but I could show them the scratch marks in my notebooks where I COUNT THE MINUTES. Goddammit.) 

Late summer blues

This is the time of year when I get sad about working full-time, at a desk job. 

I think it's two things:

It's the monotony of my job during this time of year -- go to office, sit in cubicle, do work on the computer until 4:30 pm, rinse and repeat tomorrow.

And it's the scramble after daycare camp has closed for "fall," since our parochical school can't just follow the county school schedule exactly. (Daycare follows the county, and they start school earlier than we do by 3 days.) I always think, "If only I [worked freelance/didn't work/worked part-time], this wouldn't be a problem." So now we have to figure out what to do with the kids for Aug 4, 5 and 6, and the one family I can usually count on to keep them one day, who have a boy and a girl both, are going to be out of town this year. Care.com, I guess? Sigh.

Plus, I suspect that at this point in the summer, the kids do start to notice the monotony of going to 'camp' in the first place. I guess if they stayed home for the summers, they'd be SO BORED, too. Kids get anxious and ready to go back to school -- I definitely remember that. Mine were lucky this year; June was packed, and they were out of town most of that month. So July hasn't been AS monotonous as it could have been. But still.

ANYWAY, it's Friday, and hopefully I can be very productive today, and very productive this weekend, and feel better soon. I don't like being 'grumpy pants' (or sad pants) but I kinda have been. Bleh.

P.S. Another TWO successful bedtimes under Kate's belt. I think my plan is working, muah-ha-ha.

Fourth of July weekend

What a lovely little 3-day weekend we had. I love it when a bank holiday falls on a Friday - seems like it hardly ever happens, but it did this year and it was perfect. Still kidless, Shawn and I made a big trip to Home Depot on Thursday night, and picked up some organizational and decorative things that we've been wanting, to the tune of $250. Yee-haw, spending money! We got a stainless garbage can, something we've drooled over weirdly and unnecessarily (it was only $69. But for years I've been all, "I'm not paying $69 for a trash can when we have one that is perfectly FINE!")... and we got some hanging/organizational stuff for the garage... and some new gardening gloves, and Round-Up, and, you know, Home Depot stuff. We were there until nearly 9:00! Came home and had scrambled eggs for "dinner." We Skyped with Kate. (Such a trying exercise. We love seeing her, of course, and the fun she was having in Florida was evident every time in her face -- so happy! -- but getting the technical details ironed out, and getting her to sit still in front of the camera and TALK to us, instead of flapping her arms and making goofy faces at herself, was difficult every time. It's definitely one reason I'm glad she's home. No fault of hers, of course - she's a kid in front of a video camera. Maybe next year?)

ANYWAY. We Skyped with Kate and then watched an episode or two of our current binge show, Orphan Black. It's on BBC America. VERY weird, but acted well and with a plotline that's unlike anything else on TV, about human cloning and genetic manipulation gone awry. Eek. We're nearly finished with the 1st season.

The next morning, the holiday, we tried a place I'd seen advertised when we moved to the new house -- a breakfast cafe. It's called Reveille Cafe and OMG it's our new favorite. Delicious. We can't wait to take guests there -- can't wait, even, to take Alex there once he returns from summer camp! (Here's a hint: We went again on Sunday!)

We spent the holiday with our friends at their sister's pool -- a gorgeous, salt-water pool with rocks and waterfalls. Snacking on pita chips, drinking cold beer, swimming (the boys, including Shawn, doing trick shots in a game of P-I-G with a basketball hoop in the pool), and later cooking out. I was grouchy about it, as I am about all outings before they happen, but it was a really suh-weet way to spend a day off. We're so thankful we have friends who'll orchestrate things like this for us. And I've got to stop being so negative about them; they always turn out nice! What is wrong with me?!

Here's the best surprise. That night, still July 4th, we were unpacking some boxes and organizing our living room, at the front of the house. We started hearing the pops and booms and knew people around the neighborhoods were shooting fireworks. On a whim, Shawn opened the front door to see if we could see anything... and we could! Over the treetops, we had a stellar view of someone's commercial display! All the big kinds -- starbursts and glittery dome-shaped sprays -- the kind of fireworks we usually watch on PBS. Right from our front porch! I can't wait until next year. I totally see us having a cookout at our place, then treating our friends to a no-horrendous-parking-required fireworks show! :) I am so pleased; something awesome we couldn't have known about our house, but here we are with it. A bonus. It made me want to thank our realtor again.

On Saturday we did one of our now-famous "Summer of 2014 driving trips." (Little joke. We've been driving a LOT.) We met Mom and Dad halfway and picked up a contradictory Kate -- we know she was happy to see us, but I also know she was sad that her week of being an only child, with endless love from grandparents and cousins to play with, had to end. After a big McDonald's lunch (hopefully the last for a while), she rode home with us, watching Frozen on the DVD player and enduring Mommy's snuggles and kisses the whole way home (I climbed in the back to love on her a while). ;) Couldn't help myself. Unfortunately, it ended with a sad, sad tantrum of a bathtime, which we all know was caused by Tired. Bathtime. I'm so over fighting with her about it.

Speaking of, on Sunday I wanted to get some things done -- I've been really itching to finish unpacking boxes in Alex's room while he's away -- and I felt like every reaction I had with Kate was negative. "In a MINUTE, I said." and "Kate, I just have to get a few things done and then I PROMISE I will play with you. [Exasperated sigh.]" I know she feels all of that and *I* felt the guilt of it by the end of the evening. I mean, I did play with her a bit -- sprayed her with the hose outside, put on a princess crown and went with her "to school" in the living room -- but I don't want the voice in her memory to be of me "too busy," always, for her. Or ordering her to pick up the crap she leaves everywhere (I wouldn't say "crap," but just, "KATE. How many shoes of yours are all over this floor? I JUST cleaned up your room.")

My little sweetheart. I want her to know deep down that I would do anything -- and NOT DO the things I would rather do -- for her. That she's more important than housework. (I want this for Alex, too, obviously, but this girl, my Kate, is challenging me to grow in ways he never has, just by virtue of her personality. [Extrovert, needs other people engaging with her all the time.]) Anyway, I talked myself down out of a super guilt-trip by deciding I just need to do the exact OPPOSITE of what feels natural. Just DON'T BE ME. Try to be Dominique, or my own Mom. This morning it worked. I tried to be my Granny. Woke her up (several times) by singing "Knock on the door, peeeeeeek in! Open the latch, wallllllllk in!" and trying to be silly, instead of exasperated. It's another lesson, a good one, as parenting tries to make me a better human being. Maybe this time it'll stick? I'm hopeful and grateful, actually.

You know you're a grown-up when

I have to take my laptop with me on vacation next week. Unfortunately, we had another hiccup to our daily round, and had to attend my father-in-law's funeral Monday and Tuesday in Savannah. I don't want to treat it lightly, because a funeral never is, and his had its emotional moments. But I don't know that my blogging about it is appropriate or necessary. At least not right now.
I'm trying to think of all these days off (sick leave for Kate, bereavement, moving days) as God gifting me with more non-work time than usual this summer. It's nice in that way and I do recognize it.

But what I'm mulling over right now is my job. Sigh, this job. I don't know what I hoped it would be... a little more glamorous? A little less like a peon? Yes, a little less like a peon slash worker-bee slash dump-ee was what I was hoping for. (Not that I'm "better" than a worker-bee, of course. But you know? You want to advance a little bit.) And that has not panned out. In one publication, one entity, I have a nice title of "Editor," but it does not carry any authority, and that bums me out a bit.

I do good work here. My colleagues thank me for it annually with good reviews, and I earn a very good paycheck. I know that work is work, and there are things that are sometimes unpleasant about it. It's not called "play." I don't believe work will ever be more fun than it is work. That's a farce.

But I don't know if this place is where I'm meant to land for The Duration. I'm tired of the Drama of this place. So much stupid drama. And I'm tired of the excuse of "the down economy" that has pared us to so few people per "department." How can you call it a department if there are only 2 people, and one of those (not me, thank goodness) is serving a role in a different department as well? My job is not all-tech, nor all-creative. It's both, all the time, plus some secretarial work thrown in for good measure. I truly wish I had a simpler job description. Much simpler. I used to think I'd make a great Receptionist for some big company. And I'd keep a novel under my desk for when it was quiet. And I could do freelance writing on the side, to make up the pay I'd have to relinquish to step down to that kind of calm work. (Ha. I'm sure it's not actually calm.) I doubt that job exists anymore. I know our receptionist does much more than just answer the phones and "put you through to his voice mail."(Well, besides that I don't want to be a receptionist and be chained to the phone. All right, fine.)

And also, I just bought a new house, so I definitely need this level of salary. But I do find myself wondering if I could go to a recruiter and find a company that runs itself better, where my skills would be equally appreciated. I don't know.

I have to take my laptop with me to the beach next week and check emails every day, at least. Not because I'm a very important executive, but because I have an over-supply of tasks that only I can do. So I'm punished for that, by not being able to actually take a true vacation.

It sucks, and it's normal for the American worker, and that sucks. (At least one cousin will also be working during our vacation week, so there's that. And in years past, other cousins have, too. Misery loves company, I suppose.)

Feeling sorry for myself today

I've been feeling beaten down by work for the last 2 weeks. Under the gun. Under the thumb. All of those things. SO instead of doing something productive like talking to an HR manager, or my actual manager, about it, I'd rather come and whine to my blog. I'm feeling like this is the only person/thing/space I can turn to -- feeling like I don't have any friends who want to support or help me. (Not to mention my manager has been out this week because SHE is "overwhelmed" and also doing the jobs of at least 2 people. So I can't very well complain to her, anyway.)

So just take this whole thing with a grain of salt. We're all busy, I know. Every mom, and every working person, and every first-world whiner in the world could list this much and more.

But I mean, GEEEEEEZZZZZ, my job! I hate all the teeny, ticky things I get asked to do every day in stupid emails. Well, and all the big, glaring projects that I'm also responsible for. Today I had a meeting about one of the websites for which I manage content. "Manage content" used to mean thinking of topics, then assigning stories to our writers, uploading the text, finding a photo, the end. NOW it means all of those things, PLUS deciding which stories will get the most shares, creating and sending an e-newsletter, creating social posts for FB, Twitter, and Pinterest (gotta find BETTER photos), and then managing any comments that come in. And that's just ONE site.

On the other site, I think I've mentioned I'm supposed to "brainstorm" (RAGE/HATE that word) for a concept for the article, write the article, suggest a photo, upload the article, publish the article once the image is ready, share the article, and follow up later. Plus products. Every time there's a new one, add it. Translate it. Link to it. Plus the Store Locator. And god forbid one of our stores has an error in their listing, or aren't "ranked" as highly as another store. I take all those fun phone calls, too, and besides that, manage the excel file and send it twice a month to the programmer to upload it.

On the third site, I have to manage the invitations form; if it's not working I have to investigate why. Manage the schedule of classes. Answer "Why isn't X on the website?" Help people who've forgotten their password. (Seriously?! Since when am I in the IT Help Desk business?) Add news stories. Take off the old news stories. AND strategize how the site is being used and if it helps us meet any KPIs. (Hate those, too.)

Then of course there are analytics. We don't sell anything online but we have to have a REASON for our websites, so that reason is "to build awareness and our database," so I'm supposed to monitor traffic in a meaningful way, set up "conversion events" like signing up for newsletters, and then figure out why people AREN'T signing up for them.

On all three sites.

I write the press releases. I edit the ones that other people write.

Thank the good Lord we only publish a small magazine twice a year, or I would jump off a ledge. I am always asked to suggest content/feature ideas for the next issue, "flesh them out," figure out who'll write them (sometimes me), add sidebars and Drive-to-Web teasers, set deadlines, write or edit the stories, proofread the layouts ... I know this is part of being an editor, and this stuff I do like, but not on top of all the other stuff.

Here are the teeny things:
-"I need a photo of X product, can you send it to me?" (No Soup For You. Find it yourself, is what I'd like to say!)
-This poster's call to action text isn't quite right? Please revise. 
-Can you help me write a letter to X customer? (People can't write their own letters anymore?)
-Can we send an eblast to this group of customers? (on top of all the regular eblasts that I concept, write, send out, monitor opens/clicks)
-React to other people's emergencies.
-Answer every generic email that comes to the "Info@mycompany" inbox, or route it.
-have stupid meetings
-proofread other brochures, just because
-give a shit

Sorry, that last one. But oh my god, this is a job for about four people, not one.

And then I go home and make "something yummy" (Kate hopes) for dinner, and no one will have a glass of wine with me and I'm no fun, I just crash on the couch the minute I sit down.