Stress, a Legacy

It was early last July that I posted about stress dreams, and my year of band boosters board membership was just beginning. In summary, it went like this: marching season, volleyball/basketball season, quick trip to Orlando, holidays, then Senior year/Spring semester/concert season, club volleyball season, then 2 graduations, 2 weeks of Covid (concurrently!), a 4-day work trip to south FL, and an immediate turn-around to our family vacation in north FL, including my sister's wedding! 

Is that a lot? 

I am joking, of course: That is A Lot. Realizing it has made me feel a little better that I've gained a few pounds. Who cares, but evidently I've been in a stressed mode for a long time now and my body thought it had best hold on to its energy reserves just in case of famine. I'm okay with it. And this is not a post about a health kick, although I would like to tackle that, too, somewhat. (I'd also like to let it go forever and not care, but I'm not there yet.)

It's a family trait; the women in my family tree all seem to have similar brains when it comes to overwhelm, to-dos and how those make us feel. Hosting a party? We freak out a little bit, as we're planning and cleaning and getting ready. Going on a trip? It's an Ordeal, until it's a relief that we did it. Even just an invitation to go out, for me, feels like an ordeal until after, when I'm so happy I did it -- I always catch myself complaining about it until I'm there, and it's so fun, and I'm reminded. Wouldn't we love to be the kind of women who just have an easy, breezy attitude about life! But we are not wired that way. 

Frequently, I notice that when I talk to my parents or my sister on the phone, it's a list of alllll the things I'm doing, or have done; a report on the state of the calendar, often with a dose of "and I don't know how it's all going to get done" thrown in. I don't like that. (Not to mention here on the blog!) I wish I could tell stories of our comings and goings with more emphasis on how much fun we had; what the decor looked like; what friends we saw. Maybe I do include those details, I don't know for sure, but I'd like to try to do it better.

I don't know the solution, but I do know what I want to try. More prayer and meditation and gratitude -- I already do those things, but they're the first to go when there are too many events on the schedule, along with workouts. More (and this sounds silly, but) before-bed baths, and naps! Self-care is a good thing, and a bath is so calming! Less marching band, haha -- that one has taken care of itself, although we will have a few college marching band things to attend, I'm sure. But let me keep those in perspective and look at them as FUN instead of something I have to capital-W-worry about. 

I'm looking ahead at Alex's college orientation next week (2 days in the adorable town of Athens, fun!), and then move-in and drop-off a month later. So maybe I'll try to handle those 2 things differently than this entire past year that I worried/panicked/whimpered my way through. I wonder if I can make the mental change? It's gonna take a real effort.

In the meantime, I am cooking a little bit! A few things on this week's menu plan:

• Spicy Garlic Lime Chicken: I made this once when the kids were at summer camp and Shawn and I liked it. Instead of Cayenne pepper, though, since they're here, I'm going to sub smoked paprika and hope it goes over equally well. And I'm going to roast some potatoes to serve with it. 
• Mexican Rice: Yum, with crumbled Fritos on top!
• One-Pot Kielbasa Pasta: Turned out amazing; instead of diced tomatoes, which I inexplicably did not have in the pantry, I used up the zucchini, broccoli, and red bell pepper I had in the fridge. Really, really good. 
• For the 4th of July, I made this yummy Spicy corn dip! You should try it, especially if you like jalepenos. It's great with tortilla chips and also Wheat Thins!

Stress Dreams

I had 3 different stress dreams, maybe 4, last night. Want to hear about them? No, I'm sure you don't. But I want to record them, for some strange reason. Maybe just to clear my head. 

1. Tornado. Big, dark grey swirling storm was visible and then was clearly a large tornado and clearly coming for the 4 friends I was standing with. We were outside a strip mall. Obvs we went inside, opening the glass door of a little cafe-type place, but the glass door and another big glass window meant we could still see the storm approaching. The only thing I could do was grab onto the legs of what was right in front of me, a cheap coffee table. I woke up before it carried anyone up into the swirl, but it was on top of us for sure.
2. Driving dream #1. Going down some odd red-brick road. I don't remember being in a car but I was moving forward, and then suddenly the road tipped upwards into a steep hill, and next thing I knew I flipped over and was face down on the bricks.
3. Band camp dream. I am chaperoning at the high school. (Alex's actual band camp starts in 10 days.) It's indoors and I'm having to find my way around the enormous hallways to a back-building theater. My Mom is also a chaperone, and doesn't know what to do, and Kate is there with us. The kids I'm supposed to be chaperoning aren't where they're supposed to be; the director asks me to do some errand for him; and then I notice that Kate is missing. I learn later she'd gone in a car with some teen I don't know, to play pickleball (yes, really. Yesterday I saw a sign in front of a church: "Learn to play pickleball! Saturday at 7:00"). I am mad at Kate and give her a stern talking-to about leaving without telling me.
4. Driving dream #2. Alex and I are driving in tandem on the interstate. He is leading. He doesn't take an exit ramp, but I do, then I realize it's headed straight UP (again), a hill but more like a vertical plane.... covered in ice. It is under construction and therefore doesn't connect to anything at the end, but is simply an edge. 

SO YEAH. That was fun. Dreams always sound less terrible when you write them out, but each one gave me panicky feelings and I woke several times.

I have been pretty busy, but haven't felt outwardly stressed, really. Still trying to say Yes and keep the girl entertained in this summer of no day camps. I took her to lunch with a friend yesterday, for example. But this morning when I looked at my planner, I had to laugh. Even though these tasks are not difficult ones, here's what it looked like:

I had thought lunch was at 11:30 but it turned out it was 1:45, which changed the timing of the ribs going into the oven for 2 hours. We baked a cake because it was Alex's birthday. Oh, also, I was supposed to be working a full day yesterday.

I guess that is an accurate indication of the way my mind feels this morning, with lots of things competing for attention. I will also detail them here, also to clear my mind. I apologize in advance. 

• Band Board stuff - must call the pizza place (4th one I've tried) to try to secure a sponsorship
• Need to take a day off work next week, to be available on the day we host a potluck for Band
• I just now remembered I will also need to make something to contribute to that potluck!
• I have to pick up tickets for an event at the bowling alley for the band kids.
• I need to schedule a mammogram.
• I should probably schedule a dermatologist appointment (basic skin check)
• Need to pick up some prescriptions, and get cash
• Wondering how my labs will turn out (cholesterol re-check after being on a statin for 6 months, fingers crossed)
• Kate is bored and not doing her summer homework to my liking, or practicing piano. How much attention do I give it?
• Kate needs me to return/re-order something from lululemon (that I didn't want to buy in the first place, too $$$, but Summer of Yes). Online returns are a PITA and I hate spending money unnecessarily.
• Alex's college planning. He needs to start looking at application dates, academic programs, and campus visits.
• Alex liked GA State Univ. but I don't know that I want him in downtown Atlanta.
• WHEN will we do these other college visits?!
• My actual job; I'm supposed to be going in 2x/week now, but this/next week, that is impossible. (Until school starts again, really)
• Our bathroom is really in need of a cleaning.
• My tomato plant is being gnawed on by chipmunks or birds; after months of tending it, I may get to eat one single tomato from the whole thing (out of ten that were/are growing)

There's plenty more on the to-do list I keep on my phone, but that's the basics. I feel a little better spewing all of it out through my keyboard, and don't expect anyone to offer solutions. I also know I TOOK THIS ON my own self, I have made this bed. I know I said before, if I just keep a positive attitude it'll be fine! Fun! Great! And that is true. 

My brain, however, reminded me overnight that, OH JEEZ, I am handling a lot here. Not to mention planning meals and groceries, lolz.

Choir, on a positive note

Let me just start this with a huge Siiiiiiiiiiiiighhhhh. Because that is, in general, how I feel by Thursday night at 7:00 p.m. I donnnnnn't wanna.

But yesterday I decided to talk myself out of that crap. To direct my thoughts a little. To TELL myself, "I am going to choir because I enjoy singing. I enjoy being with these funny people. I am furthering my music education, and I like doing that." I don't know what all exact words I used. But during the drive there, I kept thinking it. When I got there, one of the men who drives me a little bit crazy pulled up at the same time I did. But I stopped myself from rolling my eyes (not that I would ever do so TO his face, just inside my own car), and instead tried to think, "How do I want this person to see me? As "that nice young lady who's always so kind to me." Not as, "That soprano who always seems tired and a little closed off."

I've also been trying to think of vocal breathing as another kind of yoga breathing. They're not the same thing, obviously, but breathing is good either way. :)

So, last night's rehearsal was better, with a positive intention behind it. I also remembered that choir can be my only time to (sorry for the cliche) "break open the Word" a little bit. The hymns we sing, of course, are usually based on Scripture, and Lord knows I don't have (make) time to read it. When it speaks to me personally, which happens a lot, hey, that's a lovely bonus. "Singing is praying twice," and all.

Anyway, life. It's true we humans are learning all the time, and still haven't figured it all out. More for me to be diligent about. :)

3 Good Nights in the Bank!

Tuesday I put myself to bed at 9:45. Wednesday and Thursday nights, 10:00. I've been reading for about 15 minutes before I fall asleep, with Soundscapes playing on the the TV in the background.

Immediately Wednesday morning I felt better than I had both Monday and Tuesday. Psychological? Maybe. Still, I'll take it. The sleep and the good book! (Rysa Walker's Time's Edge.) It was enough to make me take a walk at lunch (that and the weather). I took walks Thursday and today, too. I was pleasantly surprised yesterday when Kate suggested, after school, that she and I take a walk while Alex finished up his homework! My girl is picking up good habits! And I was feeling the afternoon slump so a walk was JUST the thing. Yay. It's another of those easy things: You can whine about it, wish it were different, or you could just DO IT.

All that to say: Stop complaining, self. Jeez. How often do I read things like

"We multiply what we magnify."

and

"The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another."

and blah blah blah? I mean, I could seriously read all day about happiness and mindfulness and living with intention and all of that, and not get bored. I love it! I agree with it! And yet.

ANYWAY.

Sleep is it. 

Sleep, again

Besides my lack of a cardio habit, I think I'm not getting enough sleep every night. My typical weeknight's sleep is about 6 hours, which, according to all the Internet experts, isn't enough. I need at least one more hour. Shawn's laughing right now because he is sure I get plenty of sleep. On the couch, when I'm "supposed" to be watching our TV shows. But it doesn't count.

What I actually need is to give up sitting with Kate for 15 minutes -- 30-40 if I fall asleep -- while waiting for her to fall asleep. No duh, right? I'm embarrassed to say I really don't know how to make that transition. I tried enough times when she was 3, 4, 5... that I finally gave up trying. She's only little once, after all. My heart still tells me that's a truth, but my mind is wishing it could use the 9 o'clock hour instead of losing (most of) it. She needs to get to bed earlier, too, something that she is unlikely to accept.

I think it wouldn't be a big deal, except that it makes everything else a big deal. I know my lack of sleep affects my ability to perform well at work, for example. It makes me, for lack of a better word,  grumpy when I'm here. I definitely have a hard time with focus. I flit from one thing to another aimlessly. And I have this low-level simmer of hating everything. Probably.... not healthy for body or spirit.

Prepare for some good news

GET THIS: It is a Monday, but I feel FINE. !!! I know, right?

Here is why, I think: We went to bed at a reasonable hour last night (10-10:30), we slept without interruption (this had not been an issue until the last week or two, when Kate has remembered her younger years' habit and starting coming to see us periodically, around 4:00 am), my darling princess daughter got out of bed and FULLY DRESSED this morning without me, even though I was primed to gently and kindly lead her through it.... and the A-number-one reason.... my bothersome, stress-inducing team members are all away at a week-long meeting in Europe (again)! Woot woot! AND I have a list of tasks that I get to decide when to do, some that are just mindless updating/data entry-type things (which I enjoy), and none that are "OMG we have to do this RIGHT NOW."

THIS IS WHAT MAKES A HAPPY MONDAY. Bosses away, tasks to do quietly. HELL to the YEAH. I also made butternut squash soup last night for my healthy, 2-point lunch.

One other work update that makes me SO happy: My new direct manager, who begins today at said European meeting, (drumroll, pleeeeeeeease.....) HAS CHILDREN! This is a prayer answered, so thank you Jesus. Thank you, thank you. It is difficult to believe, but until the hiring of this woman, not one woman in our current upper management team could ever hope to understand the working-mom thing. Not the President, not the HR director, not the director of Marketing Global (my boss), not my friend/manager Sh@n, not my interim manager H0lly. Some of them have tried to SAY they understand, but in actual fact, they couldn't, because you simply can't unless you've done it. Anyway, the new manager was here for a minute last Friday and mentioned her kids  (s! Plural!) not once, but twice. This bodes well. Now, let's just hope I will actually like her as a person, and not just appreciate that she appreciates my personal situation.

Hallelujah! Happy Monday.

Frisbee

I can't remember when or why we started playing Frisbee with the kids; I mean, we always had frisbees around, I guess, because people like to do them as giveaways and, for whatever other reason. (From my own childhood, I remember ordering a free one from the back of the Frosted Flakes box, with my Dad. It was a very important endeavor to 6-year-old me; I remember keeping the Proofs of Purchase and putting them in the envelope. The frisbee was white with Tony the Tiger on the front (orange, obviously), and I also remember how quickly he faded. But that was our family frisbee.)

At the house we just left, the hilly, uneven and tree-covered lawn meant that the best place to play was the driveway. It... wasn't ideal. One person stood near the garage on the "down" part of the slope, and the other person was near the street on the "up" part. But we played pretty often. Especially as Alex started growing into it, instead of flinging the thing directly into the ground, or under an overgrown tree. It was easy to teach, even for someone like me who knows nothing about frisbee-throwing -- at least I knew to say, "Use your wrist" and "Face your target." Or something like that. I was always worried about skinned knees, but I don't think frisbee ever caused one.

We're lucky, living in the climate we do, that lots of days of the year are good for it. So we'd play, on the driveway, sailing it straight to and fro, grumbling when it rolled under one of the cars, or out into, then across, the street, or under the azaleas. Kate learned, too (or, is learning). We'd count to see how many times we could throw and catch without dropping it. I think Alex and I got up to 12 or 13 once.

I really like it because it's one of those things like a Dad and son throwing a baseball. You can talk or not talk. But the opportunity's there.

One of the things we love about our new house is the backyard -- for lots of reasons. Of course I want to "decorate" on the patio -- even extend the patio -- and there's a firepit in the way-back woods, that I'm excited about. But the main "living area" is a large square, basically -- flat and grassy. No trees except on the perimeter. And so when the weather this week was in the 70s -- in JULY -- we knew it was time. After dinner (and right after Shawn had cut the grass, which was so nice), no humidity, no mosquitoes.

Such freedom!! To throw diagonally, one of us in each corner, or go all the way around -- it's a surprisingly huge improvement. We can run to catch it, jump without worrying about scraped knees, and really FLY the thing. I was just amazed at the difference, after throwing "uphill" so long.

It's not that big of a deal, but I'm excited about frisbee. The prospect of fall weather. The idea of getting exercise -- but playing. The built-in stress relief. The idea of having little family "competitions." (Last night, our 2nd night in a row, we determined when to go inside by saying, "When we get to 10 'errant' throws, we're done." It was fun! And funny!) The popsicles afterwards. ;)

Just the picture of us out there together in the fresh air. It's total bliss.

Sleep Experiment

Yesterday, everything was insurmountable (in my mind). The house-prep, the weekend coming up (Pinewood Derby), all the tasks on my to-do list at work, the errands, choir practice, spiritual drought, my diet/exercise failings, my dirty car (kids and their papers!).... all of it. I couldn't focus on any one of those things because together they were ALL weighing me down. I could feel gratitude for my life in general, but no way to move forward and get anything done. I sat here at my computer at work and just wished I could get out of my own head. Sometimes I do wish it would SHUT UP in there. I couldn't start any projects; I couldn't send the emails that needed sending.

I stumbled on this article about sleep. I have read it before -- maybe for work? But this time it hit me: ALL of my problems might be solved if I just made myself get 7 hours of sleep every night. Nearly every one of the signs/symptoms listed there describes me (and the effects). Can't diet successfully? Sleep debt causes weight gain/prevents weight loss. Too tired at night to do anything (like pack up boxes)? You need more sleep. Grouchy and impatient with kids? More sleep. Stressed out? Can't focus at work? SLEEEEEEP. I also happened to see this post yesterday from one of my favorite advisers. Just another way of saying the same things. (hello, God, thanks for the signs)

So, I'm doing a sleep experiment. For a week, I am committing to getting 7 or 7.5 hours every night. (The article says 7.5 is ideal because it's a multiple of 90 minutes, which is a full sleep cycle. But 7 would also be an improvement for me, so I'm allowing that flexibility.) I just want to observe the first week very objectively.

It will mean giving up some of my time in the evenings, I guess. Sit on the couch time. I may never get to finish watching all my shows. I'm trying to decide if that's a bad thing (I already know the answer). But I'm hopeful I'll have more focus for work, more energy to walk or do yoga, more patience, more mental strength not to eat all the cookies, etc. ;)

Last night I got 7.5 hours (minus a few (Alex) wake-ups during a thunderstorm) and I do feel better today, mentally, than I did yesterday. Not that it's a result, yet, but it's a start. I told MB, I'm convinced it's going to fix EVERYTHING. Miraculously.


p.s. I should add that thanks be to God, Kate's not getting up in the night nearly as much as she used to. I do believe that for the first 4 years of her life and into the 5th, she was the main cause of my sleep deprivation. But now it's mainly me. Just not willing to look away from the Idiot Box and go to bed. That's going to have to change.(I also think the kids (and probably Shawn) could benefit from better sleep, but I'm not going to decree anything for them at this point.)

Monday cheerleading

A really good and productive weekend can do wonders for one's mood.

And so can a coat of nail polish. Yesterday afternoon, after I spent much of the day scrubbing bathrooms with my hands submerged in water and Mr. Clean, I was really bummed about the state of my hands. Winter cracking, scraping dried paint drips off tiles and counters, and regular cleaning had definitely gotten the best of them. I was feeling a lot of negative things (I was going to write, "like a failure" but see how I refrained?) because a lot of my school-mom friends had gotten all dressed up this weekend for a big fundraising event and I was not feeling pretty. (I didn't WANT to attend the event, but you know how it is. They were all cute in their Roaring Twenties dresses.)

Life decision: Keep the nails painted as often as possible. It's a small thing that makes me feel a little closer to the "supermom" I'd like to be, and like I'm actually handling stress pretty well.

The weekend was PACKED, but thankfully, packed at home, and not running around town. We had started the bathroom-painting project last Thursday but the guy didn't finish and had to return Saturday, 9am until 5pm. I had promised the kids they could have sleepovers Saturday night and everyone would be arriving around 6pm. !! There was some very fast vacuuming and surface-swiping in the second newly-painted bathroom (naturally, the kids' bath) during that hour!

It all turned out very well, and the bathrooms look great. We've RESOLVED not to let projects like that linger for twelve years, in our next house. Ahem. I will post pictures as soon as I have matching bath mats. They're both very grey-neutral, there are no stinking wallpaper borders and darn if some lovely buyer isn't going to love this house!!

Saturday while waiting for the painter to finish, I also packed away some more books and things. It is going to take a long time but I'm editing and decluttering. Anxious to do more of it, actually. There's a charity clothing pickup this Friday and someone is going to inherit A LOT of baby clothes. A lot of grown-up clothes, too.

And work... Work is probably going to be fine. I've talked myself into feeling more positive this morning, grateful to HAVE A job that pays me well and affords me a painter and new bath mats without a worry. I will plan my daily tasks calendar, I will stand up and take breaks, and I only have two hands - I can only do that much. It is not brain surgery, no one will die if I don't get the websites perfectly updated. Actually, all of Atlanta is looking at the forecasts again (snow, ice, freezing rain) so I expect to have another couple of days of working from my kitchen table this week. No one's taking any chances this time around, thank goodness. So this week shouldn't be nearly as bad as last.

On Starting a Week

My earbuds are in place with calm.com feeding me a lovely ocean breeze, and rhythmic waves on the shore. I wish I were actually there! But I'm not, I'm at my desk on a Monday morning, trying very hard to stay positive. This is just a workday -- not terrible, not depressing. It's a leaf falling or a bird flying by -- I can't control it and shouldn't worry about it, but I can control my response to it (or not respond at all).

Behind me there's a meeting going on, with its door open. Slight lack of courtesy has my heartrate up a little. A few minutes ago there was a phone call happening in another office behind me; the door was closed, but the occupant was still loud enough for me to be distracted by her. I feel sorry for her, having to have loud/stressful conversations on a Monday morning.

I am glad I don't, and glad for earbuds.

I have a cold, 32-oz water bottle with a purple straw and a green lime. I can only drink water with lime/lemon if it has ice.

I'm typing on a new-to-me laptop. It's nice that it responds so quickly when I double-click. My old laptop, last week, was super annoying and slow. This new one also has unfamiliar keyboard sounds. The clicks seem different. It's distracting, too, but in a good way.

Right now, I'm putting off a project that's blinking at me from my calendar. It's a Powerpoint presentation -- one that I'm writing for someone else -- and it feels like too much of a challenge at this moment. I know that -- I'm hoping by writing this it will become true -- I know that I will take it one slide at a time (ugh, slides!) and that my draft will be fine. I'll get feedback, and probably get offended at some of the feedback, but I'll make the changes and the person who needs to put her stamp on it will have done so, and I'll be finished with it. (Until the next one.) But right now all of that seems very far away.

The deadline is EOB Tuesday. I didn't know what "EOB" meant, several years ago. COB. EOD. Whatever you call "end of the day" in your line of work.

Right now it is 10:12 a.m. and time to get started.

    I decided to try "Just Writing" again today. Also, I'm looking for new, interesting reads there.
You can, too, just click the image!

7 Quick Takes, Procrastination

I can write a blog post instead of all the stuff I should really be doing (see #3 below)... happy Friday to all of you fellow procrastinators (you're reading blogs, aren't you?)! 

1. I'm meeting a contractor today for home-improvement estimates! I hope he won't tell me that he needs ALL my money.

2. I am feeling the slightest, eensiest bit like I might get sick again. Back of the throat, nasal congestion at night. I think I need a 2nd humidifier (1st one's in KT's room). And no, I did not get my flu shot. With our local news going on and on about the Epidemic and the Deaths and things, I am pretty nervous. Two of the four of us DID get flu shots in the fall, but I wasn't one of them. Excuse me, I have to go wash my hands and dose myself with Vitamin D.

3. OHMAHGAH I have so much Work-Work to do. A manager-type has moved back from her stint in l'Europe, and while I like having her here because she's nice, she is unfortunately a Creator of Superfluous Tasks and Meetings. She is also very Serious about work. There are a lot of new, dumb things that I'm being asked to do. Yesterday we had a 2-hour "Cr3ative Brainstorming M33ting" [with an impressively redundant title.] I can't keep my Inbox clean even though I desperately want to zero it! ZERO is GOAL! Go away stupid little projects. You are supposed to only be background noise. I am not to worry over Work anymore.

4. But speaking of...  next school year I may re-org my work schedule again, and request a work from home day instead of the flex-time. Yesterday (an early day, 6:30 - 3:30) my last meeting ran long and prevented me from arriving in the carpool line on time. AJ has experienced this enough times now -- I mean, maybe 7 or 8 times in the past 3 years -- that he knows I will be there as soon as I can, but it upset me. Particularly because it was an emotional day: One of his schoolmates passed away Wednesday night (not a good friend, but the school is small and Catholic, so, you know). Since I had left the house before it was announced Thursday morning, my first opportunity to talk tenderly about Life Issues with him (and hug him extra tightly) was going to be immediately after pickup. I stomped out of that meeting, growling to myself, "Something is wrong with this world when a child in our community dies, but I can't explain it to MY child because I have to discuss an Excel file and a V-lookup in great detail instead." Urrgh. Maybe I was just tired from the first 5:00 am wakeup since December 21. Anyway... considerations.

5. I would be proud if my family could survive just ONE WEEK with no fast food. But I don't see it as very likely. Dinner last night was at McDonald's. It's not that I'm purely against fast food, but it does sort-of make me feel guilty.

6. Today it's going to be 70 degrees in my town. Where is winter? :(

7. We're going to hear Brian Reagan tomorrow night with some friends. We're also supposed to meet up with another couple of friends when we get there. It's going to be super fun! If you don't know Brian Reagan, watch this. It's my favorite.


Enjoy! More QTs here, and pray for Jen!

Upward curve

AJ's continuing to gain weight. He's up to 43.5. In addition, he lost that first tooth over the break. (He really lost it, in fact -- swallowed it. Kinda anticlimactic for the tooth fairy pillow, but he got his $2.00 nevertheless.) My Dad says that he looks taller. Maybe that whole big worry was just a blip on the screen.

Miraculously, I have NOT gained weight. Last night's Loaded Potato Soup and French Bread (and wine) dinner may have altered that conclusion, but maybe a few days of salads and not cleaning my plates can alleviate the damage. The Potato Soup is so darn good, though, and I do love soup in winter. AJ even ate some of his. Not much, but some. I told them, about that and about my Grandmother's Gumbo recipe, that they'd better get used to it, because these are foods that are not going away. "You will continue to see these in our home," I told them. (Sometimes I love the privilege of being the parent.)

Things are looking good for a nice start to this New Year. Last night DH and I recommitted to.... wine on Friday nights! While we were at it, I told him, well, we have to have wine on Monday nights, as well, and he agreed: Why not start and end the week this way? I am On Board! Hee hee. It's going to be a good 2013.

The only unfortunate thing is, I did wake up this morning to my 5:40 a.m. alarm and say, in my head, "This is going to suck." Ha, ha. I wish I wouldn't think like that! It must be so automatic, to do it when I'm barely even awake. I laughed at myself and tried to redirect my thoughts as I stumbled into the bathroom. "No, Self, this day is going to be fine. A day at work, doing good things. You can make coffee for Dad. There's love. Family. Kids. Breathe deep. Hot shower. It's fine. It's good."

It's seriously funny, the way I talk to myself.

Lunch at home with the kids and my parents today, on their last day of Christmas break. Should be nice and comforting. Wine tonight! And either the ND/Alabama game or Downton Abbey on TV. (I'm behind on Donwton, so I'll just be starting Season 2, on the DVD my parents are letting me borrow.)

Not the first

I think I'm not the first blogger who isn't doing the meme this year. I'm just not feeling it. I do like to reflect, though. My 2012 was good, on the whole. I feel i lived through something this summer, a small depression, maybe, when I was reading all the self-help and trying like hell to fix my attitude. I feel like that few months was a big deal. I learned about myself, and how I don't want to be. I don't want to have to work so hard to enjoy a day. I know I CAN work through hard days if that's what it takes, but I'd rather not have to.

It wasn't a BAD year, I'm just saying that piece of it seemed long. A lot of great, good stuff happened this year, too, including some better, deeper friendships that I really hope to cultivate in the year to come. I have to give thanks for them; they are a treasure. I need to do better at being a friend in general. Being. Doing. Offering. Initiating. Not being too timid. :)

In 2013 I'm hoping to just move more lightly through the days. I want to be better at praying for help with the daily things; help with planning my schedule so that workouts are a part of most days, but not freaking out about it too much. I don't know. Planning my days so that it's possible to enjoy a lunch out with a friend once in a while, and do the errands later. I need spiritual help with these things. I want to be a better wife, mother, daughter, daughter-in-law, and friend. I don't know what else. I wish more light, a lighter feeling, for 2013.

I don't want to focus on the details all the time. I'd rather see the big things -- love, joy, dedication -- in the forefront, and the rest -- work projects, stress about commitments, etc. -- just background noise.

You think I can do that?


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Check and check

• Starbucks this Monday morning: Fat-free Peppermint Mocha!
• Good mood music on the way in. (Air-drummed at the stop-light.)
• Quick morning walk around the building in the 9:00 hour! (another favorite tactic: Make sure to see/breathe the Morning, OUTDOORS)
• Everything bagel thin with cream cheese for breakfast!
• Already imagining my lunch outside...
• And my afternoon dark chocolate and coffee cooler treat...
• And my red wine this evening.

So except for the walk, it's all about food treats. I won't feel weird about that - it's all good so far. Haven't done any real work yet, but eh. Who cares about that nonsense. ;)

7 Quick Takes before Fall's First Day

1. Last night I decided I wanted to chat for a minute on Twitter about AJ's latest news (so I typed it in, and then promptly crashed on the couch). He had his hand X-rayed for bone age yesterday. He's 8 years old, 3'9" and 41.5 pounds, and hasn't yet lost any teeth, so the pediatrician advised we should see if his skeletal age is on par. The teeth-thing was the kicker, although our dentist has remained unconcerned all this time. AJ's fallen below the growth curve, after being in the 3-5th percentile since he was born. I feel nervous-tummy about it; growth hormone has been mentioned as a possibility. "Under five feet at fully grown" has also been mentioned as a possibility. (That was when my stomach sank.) There is a lot to talk and think about but I feel like I shouldn't even go there until the X-ray results are given to us. I'm so thankful that he's healthy, and happy. He (so far) has a great attitude about his size; we've always told him that people come in all shapes and sizes. And he says, "I can get into small spaces!"

2. Yesterday at work the whole Internet connection went down around noon, and wasn't back up and running until after 4:30. Can you believe they didn't even TRY to send people home?? Criminal. What were we supposed to do? File things?

3. We're going to a football-watching party Sunday afternoon. That will feel like fall. :) My husband is an Atlanta Falcons fan and I guess I've become one, too, especially after the arrival of Matt Ryan as our QB. But it's funny, I like a lot of the teams -- mostly because my friends or family members do. I like Seattle (my sister, and a co-worker); I like Denver (my BIL and of course because of Peyton Manning); I like Green Bay (college friend was from there and a huge fan); and I still like Tampa Bay. We're considered so odd around here because we don't really follow any one college team. I mean, we'll turn it on, and watch the score reports, but Saturday's not our Football day; it's Sunday/Monday. Who do you like?

4. In a similar vein, what fall recipes are you most looking forward to right now? Name three: 1 appetizer, 1 meal (a soup or casserole, perhaps??), and 1 dessert or sweet thing. Mine are: Rotel dip -- the one with crumbled sausage and cream cheese zomg; Baked Potato Soup in the crock pot with bacon on top; and pumpkin bread. YUMMY! I do love a good gumbo in the fall, too. I sincerely wish I could make mine as thick and hearty as I want it to be. I guess it's a lifelong pursuit and I'm willing to KEEP WORKING. ;)

5. Choir's started back up and I'm having my perennial angst about it. I love making music. I don't like spending so much time in rehearsals. I would like to do some other things, like take a regular yoga class (or a tap class!), but I don't feel like I can claim TWO weeknights for me-time. We're about to hit the "divide and conquer" years with two kids in school and activities. I'd hate to leave the choir again, but on the other hand I'd love to not have this argument with myself (and my blog) again. Sorry.

6. I've come to the conclusion that Mondays must be handled in a very specific way:

• Starbucks or DD treat in the morning (instead of Friday)
• Lunch at home on the deck if it's nice outside (or with DH or a friend if they're avail.)
• Dark chocolate at some point in the day
• Read this at some point in the day (I love this)
• Wine when I get home

It's the only way. I can't wait to try my new plan next week. See? "Can't wait" re: a Monday? Already working.

7. Does anyone watch Parks & Recreation? What'd you think of last night's episode? John McCain! Hee hee! That was funny. I think Amy Poehler looks great but I'm not very interested in a plot line of her long-distance relationship with Ben. I love Ben, but LDRs? Depressing. I need more Tom, more Donna, and more Chris Traeger + Ann Perkins. PLEASE get those two back together, I say. :)

happy friday, friends. Visit the quick takes hub.

Update on the Attitude Update

So, after a full week of Not Complaining About My Job, it appears.... I have nothing to share here.

Ho, ho, ho. Just kidding. I did have a pretty decent week last week, just by working HARD to improve my attitude. And breathing deeply, and counting blessings, and listening to some really good tunes, loudly, on my headphones. All those things.

Want to see the Playlist?

• Mumford & Sons -- Roll Away Your Stone is just unbelievably awesome 
• Catherine Wheel -- Satellite (thank you, DH, for introducing me to them so many years ago)
• The Church -- Metropolis and Business Woman
• Beck!! Oh my gosh, I'd forgotten how fun Beck is! Where It's At was on infinite repeat a couple of days last week and I danced in my chair
• Coldplay - Lovers in Japan/Reign of Love makes me so happy
• The Flaming Lips - Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robot (no robots will defeat me! YouTube it right now. Note: video=odd)
• Travis -- Sing. Sing, sing, sing!

I will admit that Monday this week was difficult. Over the weekend I find less need to manage the moments and be mindful, because the weekends are Nice! So I got out of practice and my brain tilted back to its OLD default of Monday Grumble Grumble. I knew it, as it was going on, but I couldn't seem to cheerlead my way out of it, that day.

I mean, Mondays are hard no matter what, right? They ARE.

So we'll have to work on that a bit more.

I also haven't had any other time on the computer at home, to continue to the next step of Anzman's book, but I will.

----

KT started wearing uniforms this week at her Pre-K. This is the first year they've done uniforms -- it's a daycare, so only the oldest kids, the 3s and 4s, are wearing them. Because of this, some of the sizes have not yet been delivered and so, some of KT's friends aren't wearing their uniforms yet. Which makes it hard for me to convince her that she needs to wear hers. She love, love, loved it on the first day. Looked so cute, even though she chose a hot pink headband and socks, that didn't exactly match (the school hasn't specified all the way down to socks or accessories).

The second day? The shine wore right off. "I HATE MY UNIFORM! I DON'T WANNA WEAR IT I WANNA WEAR MY YELLOW DRESS!!"

The very [stupid,exhausting] morning situation I had hoped uniforms would deter.

WE CANNOT WIN, MAMAS.

(But I have a good attitude about work! Tra-la! And P.S. I am rocking the Room Mom situation so far!)

Here's what

Here's what (hat tip Andy Cohen):

Every moment has to be planned out, almost. Every hour, definitely, for productivity's sake, but sometimes even the moments in-between.

When I am prepping to go to bed, I am managing that moment by actively trying NOT to be grumpy about going to work the next day. Instead I'm actively reminding myself how nice that moment is -- washing my face in warm water, the fragrance of my favorite Aveeno night cream, the feeling of a clean mouth full of brushed teeth, and how awesome -- awesome! -- it will feel to finally stretch out under the cool sheets.

When I get out of my car to walk into the office the next day, I manage it by parking in a prettier spot than the middle of the lot. I found a spot under a tree that requires me to walk down a flowery path to the office door, instead of the other route, which is just crossing over the asphalt, and I do this so that the walk into the building can be called pleasant.

I want to call this gratitude, but right now it's mostly just moment-management. I'll have to work up to gratitude.

It's about to be our most stressful time of the year at work and I can feel the unpleasantness all around me.

-----

No.

I wrote the above yesterday. Then, last night after dinner, I got to work reading a book -- more non-fiction slash self-help! mid-life crisis?! -- I had downloaded from the fabulous Melissa Anzman, called, appropriately, Stop Hating Your Job. I mean, is that the perfect title or what? And I have homework:

Today is the end of my negativity about my job.

I am announcing it here, to my support network, because that it what you all are, really: women I admire, my DH, and my Mom. I will need your support. This is a pretty big change (I'm sorry to admit).

Not to give away the book or anything, but Anzman is pretty smart. First she has you list out ALLLLLL the things you hate about your job. I thought that exercise was funny because, DUH, not like I've never done THAT before, in the back pages of a notebook or on an unpublished draft here on the ol' blog!! Ha!

But then after letting you have your vent, she says basically this: It's your attitude.

And I have known this all along. It's why I've been working so hard to be more peaceful, to be more grateful -- I know, it's ME.

(NOT that it couldn't also be the job -- and I sure hope that the 2nd half of the book offers some good advice for if you really do think you're ready for a change, because I definitely might be. She certainly has that kind of advice on her website.)

I'm sure I'll mess up and complain a little here and there. I'll try not to. But I have a new mantra, new ways to manage the moments of the workday, and it's time to make HAPPY my default setting. I find it weird and shocking that it requires so much mental WORK for that to happen, but maybe that's what I've been missing all along.