Simple.

Last night while eating dinner and with both kids happy (parents too), Shawn asked Kate, "What can we do, to make morning-time easier for you?" I followed up with, "Yeah, what might be some suggestions for how to be happier while we get dressed and ready for school?"

She only had to think for a second, then said, "Maybe set my alarm? And play a CD?"

Simple.



It worked.

Living without intention?

[Monday] Sunday nights and Monday mornings make me feel like I'm not living intentionally. I read wayyyyy too much about goal-setting and productivity, and "living with intention," so my emotions are likely skewed, but when another weekend goes by and I haven't made the time to 1) Refresh my dang LinkedIn profile slash resume, and maybe even peek in on Monster.com just to see what's out there, or 2) done this or that change of address form (still), or 3) gone for a long walk/workout ... it makes me feel like I'm Doing It Wrong. But I was DOING THINGS, ALL WEEKEND, I promise. The kids' furniture got delivered (all but one piece, a mistake on the order, grrr...), and we rearranged all their stuff to accommodate it. That was most of the day Saturday, and then Sunday afternoon, too. We're really starting to finish, I think, getting moved in. :) Heh. Starting to finish. It's a long process, isn't it? I need to wash and possibly iron the dust ruffle that will now go on the guest room bed (we have a bed! in a guest room!) and then we can start arranging in there. So yes. Almost finished.

But back to the doing: We scheduled and executed playdates/sleepovers for both kids, again, and drove them there and back and around town. They can't say they didn't get to do anything fun all weekend (although Kate tried to, when she finally came home after 2 nights away - she was obviously extra-tired)...

We did lots of laundry, Shawn mowed the front and back, I went to the grocery store and Target, we went out to dinner Saturday night, and I even cooked something in the crock-pot for later this week.

We do so much.

But this whole living with intention thing is hard. Most days we just live to get through. Especially Mondays. We wake up unwillingly, we do what we have to do, we try to be present when we're parenting, and we crash by about 9:00 pm with no energy left. I know this is normal. I'm grateful for the normalcy, and for the goodness of a normal existence and a love-filled family. Is it social media/bloggers/vocal-and-optimistic-life-coaches that make us feel like we need to exist in some other, better way? Because they're sure vocal. And Visible. Online, I mean. It's everywhere. "You Could Be Happier."

[Tuesday] Last week I re-started the flextime plan, and I'm not sure it's going to work out. Our new house is further away from work, so if I don't leave by 6:10 (really difficult when you have a daughter whose circadian rhythms don't accommodate anything before 6:15), I'm not going to make it to the office before :45. And :45 means I'm already 15 minutes in the red for the day, when I already leave in the afternoon 15 minutes before when I should, just to hit the carpool line in time. (You: this is getting complicated/boring.) I don't take a lunch on those days, simply for the APPEARANCE of working harder -- even though I could, technically, still take a 30-minute lunch and have worked 8 full hours.

And you know what? I am SO OVER THIS. I am weary of being defensive about my time and counting minutes. I'm tired of feeling like the work that I DO GET DONE (all of it, every deadline met) isn't enough.

Here's my intention, and "by prayer and petition, and with thanksgiving," I'm "presenting my request to God:"* I want to reduce my hours to part-time. 35 hours would be 7:30 am to 2:30 pm. Maybe 3:30 pm one day a week, to take a lunch-hour. No guilt. The difference in pay would, I believe, be manageable. It's scary to contemplate this when we've just bought a new house, and furniture. But, quality of life. I really want us to consider it without fear or resentment. I CAN CLIP COUPONS.

*Phil. 4:6-7

Putting this here to bookmark it: http://www.workoptions.com/part-time-proposal

Weekend Gratitude Again

• A lovely, kid-free dinner out, on a patio (lemon-ricotta ravioli WHAAAAT?? Luscious.)
• Playdates and happy children
• More Furniture!

In the category of very first-world stuff, our kids' rooms are about to get an upgrade. When we moved, We boxed things up and didn't actually know how/where to put things at the new place, feeling we'd want to rearrange as soon as we could get them new furniture. With one more bedroom to furnish, we knew we'd have to shuffle beds around at some point.

Sunday, we went back to Rooms to Go. I guess the naysayers and Pinteresty pinners and interior decorators would tell you RTG isn't good quality, but I'm here to tell you I had my old RTG living room set for 17 years and it was still in pretty good shape -- good enough to give to some college kids for their apartment. Anyway, RTG and me, we're buds. We bought the kids each a full-size bed, and headboards and footboards and trundles, oh my! The headboards match; Kate got white, Alex got black (to match his black dresser). The headboards have storage cubbies and a shelf above, plus a "hidden" bookcase going down the side. I'm so excited about that hidden bookcase. Kate got a dresser/mirror for her room, as a little girl should have, and Alex got a DESK, since he's nearing middle school and real, for-true STUDYING, and then high school OMG.

And after the stuff is delivered, we can DECORATE.

Little by little, we've been decorating around the house, putting things on walls. I'm almost ready to share pictures and start having people over. Eeeee!

----

The weekend helps things look brighter, and I'm more calm, even about the dumb job, today. (THANK YOU for your comments.) Even though it's a Monday. I was proactive and scheduled a lunch with my mom-friends for Friday. I'm hoping to make that a regular thing. It was scary to ask (I don't know why), but apparently they like me, and they immediately said 'yes.' I can't wait for Friday.

The kids were less horrible this weekend, hooray for school being in session! Maybe it helped that they were each with friends for sleepovers/playdates, and then we got a babysitter Saturday night. Heh. I guess it's possible they weren't that good, but at least Shawn and I didn't have to deal with it! No, I'm kidding. Alex also got injured on Saturday -- his back. He slipped at the foot of the stairs, and landed on his back, and it really scared him badly because it knocked the wind out of him. He stayed pretty quiet and moved slowly. I think he's fine now.

A friend from several years ago died in a tragic accident last Friday (Sherry, it was Cary Scales). She was 40, and has two little boys. I'm having guilty thoughts for all of my complaining last week, after learning this news last night. A lesson, a warning, a wish, to be a better human every single day, because who knows.

This week in my brain

Things feel a little out of control. We're back to school, the first full week, and they're throwing us all the way in, right away. There were/are parent-teacher meetings Tuesday and Thursday nights, plus the Cub Scouts kick-off tonight, and already there's homework and lunches to make every day, since Fun Food doesn't start until next week. I dread those long, every-day lunchbox weeks.

Alex is handling it pretty well so far. He's excited to have color-coded his schedule and his 5th-grade binder. He has a lot of work to do to learn "responsible" and "organized," but he's beginning the work. He wants to be successful.

And not to compare the two kids, who are obviously at different stages of independence and development, but Kate is handling it... less well. Six is difficult. Kate is six. I worry she isn't getting enough sleep. She still requires me to sit with her while she takes a bath, falls asleep, and this morning she wanted me to sit with her while she got dressed. (I've read that this is pretty normal for her age, but it's tiring.) This morning. This morning was difficult. She's been doing better with waking, but not today. I hate the morning rush. I hate that I feel such a need to be punctual to my job. I should not care. (On the other hand, this is how the world works. Punctuality is a good trait to have and teach.) However, maybe I should help her as much as she needs, and THEN get myself ready to go. That might have to be this year's adjustment. But then there's the need to teach them independence, too. How to do that, while being helpful and secure for them at the same time? I just don't know. Everything is one huge contradiction, and kind-of on repeat.

Wait, I can't let Alex totally off the hook, because over the weekend HIS behavior had us absolutely baffled, too. He gets bored, I guess, or frustrated, and he flails around, unable to control his movements. I'm serious. And if Kate pisses him off, watch out. He'll go right up to her and punch... the couch cushion, an inch away from her leg or something. Repeatedly. Or he'll just walk around SIGHING. Or, he gets self-deprecating in the extreme. If he's gotten in trouble for pushing his sister earlier in the day, then the next time we look at him with a raised eyebrow it's, "I mess up EVERYTHING" and "I should just go in my room for the rest of the WEEKEND. That's what I'll do, I deserve to."

I realized something yesterday: I'm feeling very untethered at work right now, and that's adding to the stress at home. Aside from the drama, there's also some transition going on and it's left me on my own to handle things. My former mgr. is no longer my mgr. We no longer have our weekly meetings where she used to keep me in the loop on the politics. Meanwhile, I see her having weekly meetings with other, less senior coworkers. My next/subsequent mgr. is also now "former," and her successor is only contract/part-time. My European counterpart has left the company, and her temporary replacement was just on a European (read: 3-week) vacation. And on and on.

So yeah. I feel like I don't have any insight, or anyone leading me. I realized I'm a doer, not a leader. Which is fine and good. The world needs doers. But I've started wishing I'd be "reorg'd" out. I could deal with some severance pay for a month or two, that wouldn't be so bad. This thought seems... unhealthy.

I mean, overall everything is fine, great. I read this, after all. I know to be grateful. But also, there's been a full moon, have you seen it?

Atmosphere

I actually feel fine, myself, but everyone in my department is moody today, and it has totally rubbed off and made me feel anxious, depressed, a little sick to my stomach and like I just want to get out of here or curl up under my desk until it all goes away. There are big changes afoot at The Company Of Constant Drama -- new people in upper management started work yesterday, and a couple of people left -- and my friend/neighbor has been cursing under her breath all day about something else that is going to cause a lot of stress in our production schedule. Then M, my manager, went into friend/neighbor's office, shut the door, and I could tell they were both griping and having some tearful moments. I don't have a clue what most of it is about, but I do know my Mgr. has been doing some kind of life/career assessment course. I bet she's fed up. I bet she might leave because she doesn't feel respected as a person.

Hm., I want to say to her, and point to the email she sent me last week. HMMM. Isn't that interesting.

I know what I SHOULD feel is sympathy. I do... but I do not.

Hmm.

Did I mention I want to run away for today? It feels weird in here.

Good stuff from this weekend

So much to report. :)

• First of all, Friday at lunchtime, Shawn and I went to the furniture store and spent other people's money! Well, I mean, opened a credit card. :) We got a new sectional for the family room/den, and end tables and an ottoman to go with it. Gone are the days of not having enough seating space, and not having a surface on which to put our drinks! Yippie! That evening, Shawn went by the showroom to pick up one additional piece I bought, on a whim, the floor/display model. Totally on-sale. It's a beautiful cabinet. It's in our foyer right now, and might stay there or might move to the dining room, but I LOVE IT.

Don't you love it?

The rest is being delivered next Saturday. Now that we have all the furniture in mind, I think we're ready to start decorating. So yesterday, I unwrapped photos and candles and artwork and wandered around the house, trying to find the best spots for them. Maybe tonight some nails will go into some walls!

This was a weekend of spending TIME at home -- we had no commitments to birthday parties in the middle of the day, no long afternoons at any swimming pool, and I was in the house during times of the day I'm not normally there. I could see how the light from the big window hits this wall and that wall, and it was so nice. I still just love this house, and it's really coming together to be the house I have always wanted.

• Shawn bought, and the kids and I planted, some flowers (thanks, honey!). My first attempt at flowers went awry -- I had bought some lovely hanging baskets, but they died (even though I watered them! I promise!) within 7 days. Sad panda. So let's hope this second effort works out better.

• I finished the whole-house-cleaning that Shawn had started during the week. Now everything has been dusted, vacuumed, mopped or otherwise cleaned (bathrooms), and boy, did it need it. And wow, does that feel great.

• I baked banana bread. Always a satisfying venture.
• We saw a family that we like at Mass, who've now joined our parish. Their kids attend the school, but they were members elsewhere; now they're registered where they belong. I smile every time I see them. File this in the "appreciating friends" category.
• We got the last of the school supplies -- all-white PE shoes for Kate (hard to find) -- and spent a morning shoe shopping in the process. Kate was being a quintessential GIRL, oohing and ahhing over all the pretties at Payless. It was adorable. (Yes, I did also buy her that pair of gold flats, because how could I not??)
• Kate helped me make fish last night, and then both kids cleaned their plates! A miracle!

Let's not talk too much about how much the kids are fighting with one another lately, or how many times they were sent to their respective bedrooms (or how many times one of them refused to go)... let's just chalk it up to We Really Need School to Start Back, Now, and be grateful that happens on Thursday this week. Yes, let's.

Whiner

Last night Kate and Alex laughed at a TV show because there was a whiny kid on the screen, whining. They snorted. "Hey, Alex, that sounds just like Alonso at camp, doesn't it?"

I wanted SO BADLY to say, "Uh, it sounds like YOU at home!" But I refrained. I asked her why did it remind her of Alonso? "Oh, he's always whining, 'I don't wannnnnnt that.' or 'But I want to play outsiiiiiiiiiide...'"

She didn't see any comparison to herself at all, which, I guess, is fine. But I'm slightly gratified to know that at least she can recognize whining as NOT THE RIGHT WAY TO BEHAVE (particularly at a school or camp setting). I mean, I knew this, I trust that she behaves at school and camp. But sometimes at home, she really makes me wonder what lies there, deep down in her understanding.

WHEW.