Plus, the most recent foot repair thing I tried, the night splint, had possibly caused me to torque my back strangely while I slept, and I have been having significant back pain (lower right, and it's my right foot that gives me trouble) the last 3 weeks or so. I wake up unable to bend forward, and in the beginning there was pain all day and through the night too. Are they related? Maybe, maybe not... but a holistic type of doctor seemed like a good way to find out. And one of the only options left that I hadn't tried, lol sob.
I really like it. I've been going twice a week. I've never been afraid of pops and cracks in my spine -- I was definitely that girl who could crack her back loudly, all the way up, when I was a teen (and now Kate does it and makes me cringe). This doctor talks me through things, is very open with what she's doing, what she sees and feels in my body, and that's refreshing. The popping and cracking she causes don't seem very severe to me, yet she seems really pleased when she hears them. Today, on my 5th visit, was the first time she popped anything in my neck. It made me nervous but felt fine, and she seemed astounded at the response she heard. I hope it will do something. So far I have a bit of a headache this time, which is expected after an adjustment.
Progress seems to be slow, but noticeable, at least in my back. Especially immediately afterwards. She says that after about 6 weeks, adjustments start to "hold" and the body starts to feel better. (Hopefully the foot, too?? Please please please.)
It's kind-of like massage, in that I feel the need to take it slowly the rest of the day after a visit, drink lots of water. And it's very much like what I assume therapy is, because we talk a lot about stuck emotions being the cause of a lot of physical pains. (Of course I have cried while there - so how can my pain be stuck when I have always let my emotions out, with no problem?! But maybe it can.) We talk about diet, movement, breathing. All things I know, but don't always practice at 100%. I feel like she gets me; we're similar age/stage in life.
Today she mentioned a book called Burnout. (She must mean this one.) My sister and I have been talking about that recently, as well, regarding our jobs. I haven't felt like I personally was experiencing "burnout," because I'm not physically or emotionally TIRED all the time. I haven't even felt particularly stressed lately... yes, there's a lot to do, but I've pretty much decided it doesn't matter if I get it done or not - no one really gives me deadlines, it's just me... and it's all bullshit anyway. I've been doing my prayer and meditation, I can find 5 things every day to be grateful for. I'm fine, you know? Blessed. On good days, work is just something to do, something that allows me to receive a paycheck. (On worse days, I probably haven't exercised and I scroll LinkedIn in a panic: "I have to get out of this, I have to get out of here.")
However, I read a definition just now, and this part made me raise my eyebrows:
Emotional signs and symptoms of burnout:Sense of failure and self-doubt.Feeling helpless, trapped, and defeated.Detachment, feeling alone in the world.Loss of motivation. Increasingly cynical and negative outlook.Decreased satisfaction and sense of accomplishment.
Umm. Check, check check check and check?
Self-doubt, for sure. "I couldn't even GET a different job, I don't have the skills and I'm too old."
Feeling helpless, trapped, defeated? Very very trapped. Never see any opportunity that interests me.
Feeling alone. YES, at my job. Shan left. No one to talk to, share burdens with, at work. Work alone most of the time (which I LIKE, yes, but still).
Loss of motivation. Yep. Don't care. Cynical. Meetings are stupid. I do most work at the last minute possible. It doesn't matter anyway. I barely care if we make our numbers or not.
Decreased sense of accomplishment. For sure. Whatever I am doing, it's only the bare minimum in my eyes. I'm convinced it's not GREAT work, it just gets the company by.
(Oh, and one of the physical signs/symptoms is "frequent muscle pain.")
So that's... depressing. Interesting. An "opportunity," as they say. Perhaps I need to read the book. Anyway, I thought writing about it a little might help me FEEL my FEELINGS about it. Because the doctor encourages that.
Self care self care self care. After this I'm going for a gentle walk.
