Lunch at the Mexican restaurant

Today I am having lunch with a friend -- a non-work friend -- at a Mexican restaurant. I am so excited about it. She's the mom of a classmate of AJ's, and really lovely.

And it's good timing, because my brain won't shut itself off. I need to get out, open the windows, let some sunshine and conversation in. I have multiple blog post drafts sitting in the back-end, here, about (WARNING>>> SSDD ahead...) my feelings about my career. I can't decide if I'm more angsty about working full-time and wanting that to change, or more angsty about this company and its leaders and this job in particular. It's best if I don't spew it all out here; I'll save it for Julie today and maybe the live talking will serve me better than this self-focused typing. Maybe she'll interrupt me with some insight that will save me from the stupid downward thinking spiral.

Annnnnnd I've also not been working out, again. See how that works? TOMORROW it changes. Planning a trip to the pool, at least, and workouts next week in earnest.

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School starts here in 3 weeks. I'm not sure how I feel about it. It's definitely been a nice summer, very relaxed as far as the daily schedule is concerned. I have not missed my 5:00 a.m. Tues/Thurs. wake-ups! In fact, I just don't know if I can hack that again this year. (I said the same last year but ended up doing it.) I DO want those extra hours with AJ; I like the idea of flex-time to make Parenting work; and I have heard that 3rd grade is a huge homework year at our school, so I want to be around to assist him if needed, but... Well, if I do it I'll have to muster up all my reserves of SuperMom juice. Because ugh.

P.S. My neck is feeling somewhat better. It sux getting old.

Ache and pain

We joke, my husband and I, about our aches and pains, because we're getting old. He's slightly ahead of me, having passed the 40-year mark already, but I assure him I'm feeling 40 already. It looooooooms.

This week I have a pain in my neck -- not a figurative one, either. I've caused it, I'm sure. Years of 8-hour days at the computer -- yes, I take breaks and go to meetings and all, but for the most part, it's sitting in front of the screen -- plus this thing I got myself into 4 years ago: putting KT to bed. She was the infant who needed to fall asleep in my arms, and knowing she was my last baby, I let her. I soaked those nights up. I tried not to complain.

She got bigger. We rocked every night, until she was at least two, probably three -- long after the rocking chair was comfortable for both of us together. She got a big-girl bed but... well, I'm still just aiming for easy nights, and what's made it easier is staying with her for a few minutes while she lies there winding down. It's a twin bed, and I've lain on my side, elbow propping up my head, my back leaned up against her wall. All this time, I didn't realize I was probably not doing my body any favors. Sometimes it's 15-20 minutes that I stay in that position. It didn't feel uncomfortable, necessarily.

This week, it feels uncomfortable. I also blame the dumb layout of our den, and our TV-watching habit. I/we LOVE watching a little TV at the end of the day; I'm not apologizing for that. But the way I sit, on the couch, is another contributor, I think, to my feeling 40 this week. (I'm still only 38!) I either have to turn my head just slightly to see the TV, or I lie down. And it's not an ergonomic lie-down, it's propped up with some pillows so I can see, until I realize it's too many pillows, and then it's fewer pillows or none, which doesn't really feel much better... and then I'll shift to my side, elbow propping up my head again.

I want to smack myself for all of these behaviors, actually. I should have known better. The pain is mostly when I look down -- oh, I also blame looking down at my iPhone all the time (damn you, digital culture!) -- or move my head around, but there's a dull ache when I'm just sitting. And now I'm hyper-aware of it, trying to stand and sit perfectly aligned, which feels like it must look weird to other people.

DH massaged it last night, and I have a gift card to the spa from Mother's Day that I haven't scheduled yet. That is happening soon. I'm trying to stop elbow-propping altogether. I am breathing deep and stretching every chance I get. I don't feel stressed. I know which yoga poses are good for necks. I was so zen, enjoying more moments of my days, but now all I can think about is this stupid little ache.
 
It's strange how much your neck means to you.

7 Quick Takes - 20-year reunion edition

(Watch out, two posts in one week!)

1. So, the thing about reunions and high school classmates is that they're like your brothers and sisters, really. I mean, they're so far planted into the fabric of who you are, and where you've been, and how you relate to the world. Before the reunion, I was trying to figure out WHY we feel the need to reunite with people we only hung around for 4 years. I thought, I have Facebook, I don't really need to see these people in person, many of whom I didn't even like all that much back then, and I don't know who I'm even going to talk to. But after the reunion, where I didn't ever feel the need to include last names when introducing people to my husband -- "This is Edward ___ wasn't necessary -- it's just Edward. I mean, you know -- Ed! From my LIFE." -- I get it now. We get together because they're part of us, whether or not we want them to be.

2. Especially coming from a small Catholic school like mine. We all laughed about wearing name tags. Really? We need these? There were only 88 of us. We didn't have the kind with yearbook photos, thank goodness, but still. I suppose they're for the spouses, mostly. Apparently, late at the Friday night event, which we missed because we were still driving into town, the name tags of the absent people got passed around, even to some random strangers who were at the same bar where the class was gathered. Such a typical thing for the jokers from my class to do. When they told me about it the next night, they said they had given mine to some young 20-something and told her a little about me... and then she went ahead and looked me up on Facebook on her phone. And I HAD gotten a very random friend request that night (I was checking my phone while we drove, to see photos from the event; there weren't many.) I ignored it like I do all weird friend requests, but now I know what it was!

3. Lots of people DO NOT CHANGE.

4. Some people do, however. The person I talked to the most, probably, was a person I talked to only a handful of times during school (but he's part of my BEING!). He was too cool then, not in the popular athlete kind of way, but in the popular-alternative-music-and-extreme-sarcasm way. Wait, those people weren't the popular ones in your school? They were, in mine. (So were the athletes, but the alt-music crowd was a different kind of cool, altogether.) Anyway, he's now a stay-at-home dad (!), homeschooling his two boys, doesn't drink at all (!), and still playing music, now in a local country band "because that's where the money is." He said all their dreams and inspirations went out the window once they got older and now playing music is "all business." HA! HAHA! 

5. I started thinking, this morning, about our principal. She's been there 25 years+. She was the only nun at our school (nun shortage, you know) and... we all really hated her. But now I can't really remember when we, as students, ever talked with her or how she appeared in our daily lives. I mean, I know she was in charge, she had a reputation for being "mean," and she did used to walk the halls sometimes, but it isn't like she taught classes -- she mostly stayed in her office. I bet she would have been a good moderator for clubs and things... but she didn't do that. I bet deep down, she's led quite a lonely life, actually. I bet she knew the cruel names we all called her. (Adults, I know now, aren't stupid.) I think I need to add her to my daily (or, my whenever I remember) prayer list. I wonder how long she'll stay there?

6. Some people REALLY change. The sister of one of our classmates who has passed away (I say that for MB's benefit), turns out to be a really good, interesting, kind person. She and her mom attended our events and I'm so glad they did.

7. They had a photobooth.With props (not seen in this pic).

Thunderstorms, chocolate, and a secret

Funny story: Last night after putting the kids to bed, I went back downstairs as I typically do. Even KT knows, and tells me in our "goodnight" routine, to go "do laundry, do dishes, then to bed. Tell Daddy I was a good girl. I love you, too, sweet dreams." That's our speech. She repeats it to me every night. Anyway, last night it wasn't a laundry night, but I needed to do some work on the computer. I was also hungry. My portioned-out dinner (1/2 chicken breast, 1/2 c. green beans, salad, and 1 crescent roll) just hadn't satisfied me. There was also a chocolate need I wanted to accept and acknowledge. You know I've been working on my zen... Be present in this very moment. Well, in this very moment my brain said, CHOCOLATE. Who am I to disregard that? 


So I pulled out one of these little gems, Baker's microwaveables. Have you had these? (Not being paid by them.) They KEEP in the fridge! Re-use whenever you're being especially present in a moment! They are so handy. I set the container, some graham crackers, and some marshmallows out on the kitchen table and I had myself a little dessert feast. SO YUMMY. I didn't sit with it, but walked by it every few minutes and nibbled a little. A dessert buffet for one.


And then the thunder started. DH went upstairs first, to calm the troops while I tried to finish up on the laptop. But when that giant branch flung itself into the side of the house -- the side that just happens to contain AJ's room -- all bets were off and they came tearing back downstairs to cower under my couch blanket.


I thought they had moved fast enough to avoid the sight of my spread, and at first, they had. No mention of it was made, only the mention of the lightning they saw, and the hail that was beating down on the roof. ("Who's 'Hail?'" asked KT.) I sat with them on the couch, patting backs and making soothing noises (I hope), and trying to keep them from looking in the general direction of the kitchen. I made big eyes at DH and pointed to my stuff, back there, and asked him to please sweep it away before it was too late and we were serving 2nd dinner to a couple of already-brushed-teeth kids. He did, but I think they saw. I think they know the secret truth now...


WE HAVE MORE FUN, AND SOMETIMES DESSERT, AFTER YOU GO TO SLEEP.

7 Quick Takes relative to nearly nothing

1.  We saw the new Spiderman movie last night. (On a weeknight! We didn't even go home after work, just simply met at the theater!) Both my husband and I -- he a devoted Marvel Comics fan since childhood, me a reluctant but now immersed present-day fan -- thought that they did a fantastic job with the re-boot. You didn't think Tobey MacGuire could be bested as nerdy Peter Parker? Neither did I. But I have to say, Andrew Garfield definitely gave the character more nerd. DH said, "I was jealous of his hair." Hahaha. Anyway, if you're a Marvel devotee, you will probably enjoy the film. It's somewhat darker than the Sam Raimi version, but I thought that the girlfriend, the family relationships and the music, in particular, were more beautiful.


2.  One of the things I've been struggling with professionally is just my lack of friends in the office. And a problem of our modrun-day-soci-uhtee, which is that we're all too damn busy (read: doing the jobs of 3 people) to chit-chat (read: get to KNOW each other) during the day, or take lunches very often, or have any fun. Blah. Even with those restrictions, though, I'd be happier if I had more than ONE person to call a buddy. One person to tell weekend stories with. One person I go to lunch with. And she's my manager so sometimes, she's not the perfect candidate but she's all I got. Suppose I should spend more time being grateful for HER.

3.  In June, we signed on to my company's health insurance instead of DH's, and guess what -- it costs HALF as much. This is another thing I'm having a hard time reconciling -- I'd love to seek out a different gig, but I hate to give up this brand-new benefit that's going to save me so much money this year! Kinda stupid logic, I know, and I guess no reason to stay miserable, if I am, in fact, miserable, but... still. I'm not quite miserable yet.

4. Let's switch gears to talk about the fact that TONIGHT I get to see my kiddos! We have LOVED having this week to ourselves. Morning-time, alone, has been worth having those two away for a week! So calm! So easy! Wake up, shower, get dressed, make coffee... don't talk if you don't feel like it! There's a lot of talking going on when they're home in the mornings. However, I do look forward to having them back. The household personality has been reduced by a large margin and ohmygosh, do I need some AJ and KT hugs. I don't think I'd even mind some constantly-shared details about the latest level of Pokemon.


5. What do I wear to my 20-year HS reunion this weekend, Internet?? Nah, just kidding. Of all the cliche mom-blog topics. I'd show you what I'm considereing, but I can't find, online, the items I bought last week at the Talbot's outlet. One is a silk tank-top with capris, the other is a casual dress (not black). Trying to remember to just be myself, and that we're too old to judge each other based on clothing. We're attending the Saturday "family" beach event (who decided this? Are we supposed to wear swimsuits? The invite says bring towels. I'd like to kick the asses of the planners if so, and I will probably wear shorts), and the Saturday night adults-only party. Skipping the school tour Sunday morning, although that would be fun. I'm sure there will be plenty to write about afterwards. Naturally I have a new zit today.


6. Going home at lunch is simply one of my favorite things. Especially when it contains these three things: Wrapping presents for my widdle boy who will be EIGHT on Sunday (!!!); eating a VIRTUOUS salad of kidney beans, green peppers, tomatoes and Italian dressing for lunch; and watching Wimbledon! That is how it went down today, and it has added quite a bit to my overall assessment of this long Friday.


7.  The things for which I am responsible at my office are not in any way related to life or death. So if that email doesn't get designed/sent today, it's not that big of a deal. If that website isn't updated until Monday, no one will really notice (truly, just about no one will). If those magazine samples aren't mailed out, Who Cares? This kind of freedom is one thing I do appreciate about my job.


Don't miss http://www.conversiondiary.com/ for the Queen of Quick Takes!

Good weeks, lame blog posts

I feel compelled to report that we had a nice vacation, as always. It was even better this year because the kids actually enjoyed the beach, and played carefree in the waves and sand, like normal people! Until this year it's always been toddler-like fits over the feel of the sand and being too scared to go near the water, which, in my opinion, is the only thing that makes being at a beach in the summertime pleasant -- the fact that there's cool water immediately available. We sat together at the water's edge, being regularly cooled by those waves, trying to build sand mountains and knowing they would continue to get knocked down. And trying again. It's a very zen way to sit. :)

We got pink, and then tan, and breathed in as much of that good, clean vacation air as we could. 

This week both the kids are staying at my parents' house. We are all alone, DH and I! We are going to go to a movie on a weeknight! We have eaten delicious Asian food two nights in a row! Bliss! The house is so quiet, though. It's odd. I know they're having fun, extending their vacation. We had to come back to work, but because my H.S. reunion is next weekend, we can go back down to Florida on Friday to pick the kids up.

Yesterday my mind was still fuzzy and I eased back into the work mindset (by scrolling through a lot of Facebook). Thankfully my actual tasks were kept at bay with two meetings and a coworker lunch. Today, however, I'm starting to feel stressed about all the things on my proverbial to-do lists, work and home, although I try not to write those anymore, and particularly not multiple ones. I am also feeling renewed job-angst (you: shocker). Glad that at least tomorrow is a day off! That's nice to come home to. It can't all be blogged here, I guess, and it's a shame, because when I'm feeling stressy and sometimes down, I think I write better posts.

For now, this lame little update will have to suffice. Maybe I can break the angst down into specific chunks and write just about those in the near future. Hmm.