Here's what I don't want to do today: Complain that I'm at work.
Here's what's happening at home: Kate is going to play at her friend Kate's house, and Alex is having Will over to play at our house, with Grandmommy and Papa Joe doing the taxiing and babysitting. Pretty fun day for them, yes?
Here's what we're doing tonight: Relaxing. Drinking wine and champagne. Eating crackers and cheeses and cookies and maybe some turkey roll-ups and carrots and Ranch, and breathing deep. A day off tomorrow. We are going to celebrate and be together. (We are going to do some laundry, parenthetically.) We will likely play several rounds of "Authors," "Children's Authors," and "Inventors," three Go-Fish card games that Mom brought the kids that they LOVE. We need to set up a big tournament to make it higher stakes! Hee hee.
You know what was fun and different this morning? I had to sit in my car and let it warm up! I've let Mom and Dad park in the garage and kept my car on the driveway, exposed to the elements (ooooo) these last few days. This morning there was frost on the windshield, enough that I couldn't see to drive it until it had defrosted. So rarely happens to me I'm surprised I remembered what to do. Ha!
Here's what I posted at Happier:
Mindful on this last day of the year: God is good. We are loved. Life is sweet. I am richly blessed.
And that's all I really need to know for 2015, isn't it?
I do like having a little time for reflection, though. It was a busy year. It was the year I got a big thing that I wanted -- a new house in a new neighborhood. It was hard, but rewarding, to go through that whole stressful process. Sometimes we still can't actually believe we did it. Alex is spending the night at the old neighbors' tomorrow night. I have mixed emotions about going there on the first day of 2015, but keep telling myself, "Don't be silly."
It was the year I turned 40, and Shawn gave me the biggest gift by planning that amazing surprise party for me. I can still reach back and remember how blessed and loved I felt, arriving in the room and seeing.... nearly everyone. Thank you, Honey, for working SO hard to do that for me.
It was a year for growth in parenting. Mistakes were made, but I think a lot of progress, too. And Kate is growing up. Bless her. I see fewer and fewer tantrums. We still have our differences, of course, and arguments. I work at redirecting her, talking it through, understanding her feelings. She's growing up, but still so little. Lately she's asking me to sing her our old lullabies while she drifts off to sleep.
Alex is growing up, too. It has been a year of change for him. Saying goodbye to another sport, reading less, then more, really maturing in his approach to school and organization. I want so much for him -- success and achievement, and for him to find HIS THING. I'm trying not to worry about it but I want to gently push him to try more things. This week he's been interested in Mythbusters and his remote control quad-copter and for some reason, it makes me hopeful.
Shawn lost his father in 2014. I feel terribly guilty that I haven't been more mindful of that during the holidays. I pray for his heart. I hope his good memories glow brightly and that we honored his Dad well in June. I think we did. I spent a lot of time praying for mercy for him, and for Susan, in this year.
And it was a healthier year for me. I lost 8 pounds. I'm unsure how many of these I gained back in the last 2 weeks, but I'm still willing to work at it. I'm relieved.
My 2015 wishes, besides remembering that God is good and I am loved? To read a little more. To pray a little more. To plan a few more fun family things. To walk, run and stretch a little more. To take more time off. To find more meaning in my work, somehow. To be who I am. It's the 2nd half of my 40th year. I feel a lot of possibility there. "When I turned 40, I made good things happen." That's what I want to say.
Wednesday, December 31
Monday, December 29
Perfect Christmas Day
First of all, I didn't get sick on Christmas Eve! Amazing in itself.
Second of all, the Santa presents turned out exactly even. Or, even enough that I was perfectly satisfied. Shawn had done some prep work while I was singing at Midnight Mass, so when I got home the setup was pretty easy. We got to bed around 2:30am. Oof! Had made the kids promise, after they said they would be getting up at 6:00am, to pleeeeeeeeease wait until 6:30. And they did. ;) Evidently, their alarms went off at 6:00, but they waited in Kate's room, probably giggling and squee-ing just like Jill and I used to do (and peeking), until the stroke of 6:30. I had woken up a few minutes before they came tip-toeing into our room, whispering, "I'll get Mommy, you get Daddy." So adorable to get to hear the excitement in their whispers. I'm grateful God nudged me awake for that tiny gift.
They loved their presents and were just as happy and excited as they could be. It was awesome. And then, because we didn't have anywhere we had to go, or anything we had to dress up to do (no going to Mass! Two on Christmas Eve was enough!), we stayed in our pajamas until 1:00 pm, and just enjoyed being together. I started the coffee after we finished presents, turned on some Christmas music in the kitchen (how I love having our old iPhone on speakers in the kitchen!), started making crepes, and the kids played with each one of their new things in succession. Shawn and I were able to get on the floor and help/play with them, too, and allowed ourselves to do that. Even when I was making crepe batter, I told myself there was no schedule, and I could pause a few minutes to look at something when Kate asked me to. (I really need to work on doing that more often on regular days.) The crepes didn't take too long, much Nutella was had, Shawn did the dishes, we turned on Christmas Vacation for the 2nd time and laughed when Cousin Eddy said, "Shitter was full!" ....and how fun is it, that the kids are old enough to enjoy a few naughty words here and there and we can trust there won't be repercussions?...
At one point during the still-early morning, Kate wanted to take her bow and arrow outside to shoot it. I took my coffee cup and sat on the porch while she did, and it was cool, crisp outside without being uncomfortable. And sunny! After 3-4 days of grey and rain, the sun was out! There's not much I love more than being outside in the morning. We stayed out there about 20 minutes. Another perfect gift.
The whole thing was just blissful. Quiet, and warm inside, the kids worked hard to get along all day, and we soaked it all up. I took a tiny nap and didn't feel guilty. I think Shawn did, too. Later in the afternoon I poured some red wine and put together a huge lasagna and a salad. We ate in the dining room with the Lenox Holiday -- candlelight dinner! -- and talked about what a great day it had been. Shawn did the dishes AGAIN, even the fine china (thank you so much, Honey).
Truly, a Christmas day to remember.
Second of all, the Santa presents turned out exactly even. Or, even enough that I was perfectly satisfied. Shawn had done some prep work while I was singing at Midnight Mass, so when I got home the setup was pretty easy. We got to bed around 2:30am. Oof! Had made the kids promise, after they said they would be getting up at 6:00am, to pleeeeeeeeease wait until 6:30. And they did. ;) Evidently, their alarms went off at 6:00, but they waited in Kate's room, probably giggling and squee-ing just like Jill and I used to do (and peeking), until the stroke of 6:30. I had woken up a few minutes before they came tip-toeing into our room, whispering, "I'll get Mommy, you get Daddy." So adorable to get to hear the excitement in their whispers. I'm grateful God nudged me awake for that tiny gift.
They loved their presents and were just as happy and excited as they could be. It was awesome. And then, because we didn't have anywhere we had to go, or anything we had to dress up to do (no going to Mass! Two on Christmas Eve was enough!), we stayed in our pajamas until 1:00 pm, and just enjoyed being together. I started the coffee after we finished presents, turned on some Christmas music in the kitchen (how I love having our old iPhone on speakers in the kitchen!), started making crepes, and the kids played with each one of their new things in succession. Shawn and I were able to get on the floor and help/play with them, too, and allowed ourselves to do that. Even when I was making crepe batter, I told myself there was no schedule, and I could pause a few minutes to look at something when Kate asked me to. (I really need to work on doing that more often on regular days.) The crepes didn't take too long, much Nutella was had, Shawn did the dishes, we turned on Christmas Vacation for the 2nd time and laughed when Cousin Eddy said, "Shitter was full!" ....and how fun is it, that the kids are old enough to enjoy a few naughty words here and there and we can trust there won't be repercussions?...
At one point during the still-early morning, Kate wanted to take her bow and arrow outside to shoot it. I took my coffee cup and sat on the porch while she did, and it was cool, crisp outside without being uncomfortable. And sunny! After 3-4 days of grey and rain, the sun was out! There's not much I love more than being outside in the morning. We stayed out there about 20 minutes. Another perfect gift.
The whole thing was just blissful. Quiet, and warm inside, the kids worked hard to get along all day, and we soaked it all up. I took a tiny nap and didn't feel guilty. I think Shawn did, too. Later in the afternoon I poured some red wine and put together a huge lasagna and a salad. We ate in the dining room with the Lenox Holiday -- candlelight dinner! -- and talked about what a great day it had been. Shawn did the dishes AGAIN, even the fine china (thank you so much, Honey).
Truly, a Christmas day to remember.
Friday, December 19
Writing, jobs/vocations, and Christmas coming
I've been trying to write something here all week, and nothing I've put down has seemed worthy of even remembering, myself, let alone inviting others to read. We've been sick at our house - Shawn, Alex and Kate - and I'm living in fear that I'll be next, probably during (2013) Christmas (2012) Week (2011) as usual, or during Midnight Mass, which has happened more than once. (As long as I get to sing my solo verse of "In the Bleak Mid-Winter," I will not mind, really. It's one of my favorite solos, even moreso than "O Holy Night," which I've never done because we have a tenor who does it. ;) )
My job leaves me wanting to blog-vent every single day, and if I were not me, but someone else reading this, I would likely comment with heavy fingers, typing, "FOR GOD'S SAKE, QUIT the job if it's so terrible!" ...but I'm either too timid to quit or too stupid, or there are enough decent things about it that I don't always want to. Only sometimes. Mondays usually. ;) The things that make me crazy are, many times, the whims of ONE person in particular -- she who hired me. I had thought that she was on her way out this year, as a matter of fact. She was making it known in the fall that she was actively looking for new work (yay)! But then, the CEO bought the company from our previous shareholders, and he divided his shares among the managers, including her. So I guess she's staying now. Pfft.
There's still one hope for me, if they hire an additional new person in my department. She/he would become my manager, and I have begun praying for a person who HAS CHILDREN, and might possibly have an understanding heart in that department -- and also one who has a pleasant working style, UNLIKE this woman around whom I've been struggling. If that were to happen, I think things would be infinitely improved. But you never know.
Working is such a fundamental part of living, at least for me. It continues to define me and my mood and my operating style, and I don't know why, or if that is a good thing, or bad. I don't know if I can take the wider view in a more permanent way, and STOP seeing work as part of my definition, or if I will always do so. I suppose if it's a vocation, it's okay to see it this way. And maybe writing to breast cancer survivors, with them in mind, about wellness and happiness and strength and courage, IS my vocation (w w w dot a m o e n a dot u s, for those who don't know). I suppose it isn't a bad one. The problem is when the vocation gets surrounded with all the other stupid stuff of business. Personalities and power-plays and making money and continuously low clickthrough rate challenges and having to do thing reactively instead of proactively.
I'm sure priests' and ministers' vocations get eaten up with the stupid stuff of business, too. I've always thought they must hate the financial part of running a parish. "Not why I got into this business!" they must grumble to themselves. That's a bit of comfort, maybe.
Anyway, it's Christmas, and the kids' last half-day of school today. They both had a ton of makeup work that needed to get done this week, and they did it by the skin of their teeth (Kate, this morning, eating pancakes and doing spelling).
We feel good about this year's Santa haul, although we haven't layed it all out REALLY, to compare and make even. I'm trying to decide if I'll wrap everything this year or not. I kinda want to and have squirreled away 2 different Santa-themed wrapping papers, one for each kid, a la my Mom. :) Maybe I'll include a note that one of the elves got excited about wrapping paper this year. The kids are getting a Disney Infinity game for (one of the game systems, I can't remember which one) to share. Kate's getting an Easy-Bake Oven, and Alex an Air Hogs Quad-Copter, for their "big" gifts, I guess. Kate's also getting some stitching and yarn activities, which I can't wait to do with her, and Alex is getting some of his trading cards, of course. I can't remember what all else. Books. Oh, Kate's getting a bow and arrow (Nerf Rebelle) for an outdoor toy.
Tonight I get to go to a moms' party, and I'm excited because I love having something festive to do, but also feeling a little bummed slash guilty that it's just for the moms. Kate will give me the business, I'm sure, about being gone "all the time." The weekend promises errands and a kids' choir thing at the Square, and cleaning house (much needed), but we don't have to do uniforms laundry, so that's a bonus. ;)
I'm planning to make crepes for Christmas breakfast. In our own house, just us.
My job leaves me wanting to blog-vent every single day, and if I were not me, but someone else reading this, I would likely comment with heavy fingers, typing, "FOR GOD'S SAKE, QUIT the job if it's so terrible!" ...but I'm either too timid to quit or too stupid, or there are enough decent things about it that I don't always want to. Only sometimes. Mondays usually. ;) The things that make me crazy are, many times, the whims of ONE person in particular -- she who hired me. I had thought that she was on her way out this year, as a matter of fact. She was making it known in the fall that she was actively looking for new work (yay)! But then, the CEO bought the company from our previous shareholders, and he divided his shares among the managers, including her. So I guess she's staying now. Pfft.
There's still one hope for me, if they hire an additional new person in my department. She/he would become my manager, and I have begun praying for a person who HAS CHILDREN, and might possibly have an understanding heart in that department -- and also one who has a pleasant working style, UNLIKE this woman around whom I've been struggling. If that were to happen, I think things would be infinitely improved. But you never know.
Working is such a fundamental part of living, at least for me. It continues to define me and my mood and my operating style, and I don't know why, or if that is a good thing, or bad. I don't know if I can take the wider view in a more permanent way, and STOP seeing work as part of my definition, or if I will always do so. I suppose if it's a vocation, it's okay to see it this way. And maybe writing to breast cancer survivors, with them in mind, about wellness and happiness and strength and courage, IS my vocation (w w w dot a m o e n a dot u s, for those who don't know). I suppose it isn't a bad one. The problem is when the vocation gets surrounded with all the other stupid stuff of business. Personalities and power-plays and making money and continuously low clickthrough rate challenges and having to do thing reactively instead of proactively.
I'm sure priests' and ministers' vocations get eaten up with the stupid stuff of business, too. I've always thought they must hate the financial part of running a parish. "Not why I got into this business!" they must grumble to themselves. That's a bit of comfort, maybe.
Anyway, it's Christmas, and the kids' last half-day of school today. They both had a ton of makeup work that needed to get done this week, and they did it by the skin of their teeth (Kate, this morning, eating pancakes and doing spelling).
We feel good about this year's Santa haul, although we haven't layed it all out REALLY, to compare and make even. I'm trying to decide if I'll wrap everything this year or not. I kinda want to and have squirreled away 2 different Santa-themed wrapping papers, one for each kid, a la my Mom. :) Maybe I'll include a note that one of the elves got excited about wrapping paper this year. The kids are getting a Disney Infinity game for (one of the game systems, I can't remember which one) to share. Kate's getting an Easy-Bake Oven, and Alex an Air Hogs Quad-Copter, for their "big" gifts, I guess. Kate's also getting some stitching and yarn activities, which I can't wait to do with her, and Alex is getting some of his trading cards, of course. I can't remember what all else. Books. Oh, Kate's getting a bow and arrow (Nerf Rebelle) for an outdoor toy.
Tonight I get to go to a moms' party, and I'm excited because I love having something festive to do, but also feeling a little bummed slash guilty that it's just for the moms. Kate will give me the business, I'm sure, about being gone "all the time." The weekend promises errands and a kids' choir thing at the Square, and cleaning house (much needed), but we don't have to do uniforms laundry, so that's a bonus. ;)
I'm planning to make crepes for Christmas breakfast. In our own house, just us.
Thursday, December 4
Elf Defense
I almost took that post from Tuesday down. No need to spew my bad mood all over the place. But.... yes. There IS a need to, because it feels good to get it out of my head. It's a journal, and journals are for FEELINGS, and I'm nothing if not rich in feelings.
Here's how I feel about something: I don't know why everyone's so heated up about the Elf on the Shelf. There is no direct commandment from the creators of that thing to make the Elf do any "antics!" NONE! In the little book that comes with the Elf, it only says he finds a place to sit and the kids have to find him! If you're thinking you have to be all kinds of creative and come up with tiny marshmallow habitats or clever plays on Elfin daily activities, or worse, that you have to wreck your own home in the name of "elf mischief," you have been swindled by Pinterest and Facebook and it's your own fault!
Now admittedly, Shawn and I produce big sighs about having to find a new place for him some nights, and we sometimes forget, but all the complaining that goes down on social media, and all the 800-word blog posts about how one little red doll has ruined Christmas -- I'm weary. Stop doing it if you don't like it, ya idiot.
Our tree is up, with the usual amount of parental angst and bickering, and also the usual number of ornaments on the bottom half of the tree where the kids automatically go, no matter how many times I say, "don't forget the back of the tree!" We had excellent laughs, however, at our photo ornaments of babies who were afraid of Santa. They got "front and center" status, and I dearly hope to have at least ONE party at our house so that other people can experience the joy of those pictures.
I need a floor lamp in that space, however. This weekend, we need to shop for outdoor Christmas decor (our first! Because new house!) and a floor lamp. Oh, and maybe some gifts for others, heh. I still have to ship a few things, don't I? Eek.
Here's how I feel about something: I don't know why everyone's so heated up about the Elf on the Shelf. There is no direct commandment from the creators of that thing to make the Elf do any "antics!" NONE! In the little book that comes with the Elf, it only says he finds a place to sit and the kids have to find him! If you're thinking you have to be all kinds of creative and come up with tiny marshmallow habitats or clever plays on Elfin daily activities, or worse, that you have to wreck your own home in the name of "elf mischief," you have been swindled by Pinterest and Facebook and it's your own fault!
Now admittedly, Shawn and I produce big sighs about having to find a new place for him some nights, and we sometimes forget, but all the complaining that goes down on social media, and all the 800-word blog posts about how one little red doll has ruined Christmas -- I'm weary. Stop doing it if you don't like it, ya idiot.
I need a floor lamp in that space, however. This weekend, we need to shop for outdoor Christmas decor (our first! Because new house!) and a floor lamp. Oh, and maybe some gifts for others, heh. I still have to ship a few things, don't I? Eek.
Tuesday, December 2
Go on, GUESS how I'm feeling.
Whiny. The answer is "whiny," about work this week (total shocker), even though I KNOW I should be grateful for having a job, and yes, it's only a small part of my overall amazing life. Amazing. Grateful, indeed. Part of it is re-entry after Thanksgiving break, which was so lovely and long (3 days off, plus a weekend! Luxury!) and we went to Pensacola and there, at Mom and Dad's, is where I feel comfortable and secure, and also able to be lazy (sorry, Shawn). And cousins. I had such fun letting our kids play with Tom and Dominique's kids, and they all just adore each other. It's hard to leave all that fun.
But my malaise is more than just post-vaca blues, because before the break, I'd had an annual performance review with a new manager who is more critical than my previous manager. She did me in with the "Needs Improvement"s. Sad face. When I see my Outlook calendar or my to-do list, I'm left with a really low, dejected spot in my mind, and uninterested in implementing any resulting goals. It's the opposite of what I think I'm supposed to feel, which is "Motivated and Enthusiastic to do Better, and be more Awesome!" Don't get me wrong, she applauded me on ... one or two things.
Scratch that -- you can go ahead and get me wrong. I guess I've always been a top student and not getting an A hurts a bit. A lot. (Even though I wasn't that surprised by the review, and during it, I didn't get emotional or even argue anything. It's just that 4 or 5 days later, it's starting to sting.)
Anyway, on top of that delightfulness, there are many, many new and Very Important projects. Ideas that people come up with, that they never manage to think all the way through. Or follow up about. But they manage to send me an email with an ACTION item. And they needed it yesterday.
I guess if I combine the two problems -- goal malaise plus things that need following-through-on -- I could come out on top, by bringing some things to fruition and thus looking awesome.
But blogging and Twitter and online shopping all seem like a lot more fun to me right at this moment.
But my malaise is more than just post-vaca blues, because before the break, I'd had an annual performance review with a new manager who is more critical than my previous manager. She did me in with the "Needs Improvement"s. Sad face. When I see my Outlook calendar or my to-do list, I'm left with a really low, dejected spot in my mind, and uninterested in implementing any resulting goals. It's the opposite of what I think I'm supposed to feel, which is "Motivated and Enthusiastic to do Better, and be more Awesome!" Don't get me wrong, she applauded me on ... one or two things.
Scratch that -- you can go ahead and get me wrong. I guess I've always been a top student and not getting an A hurts a bit. A lot. (Even though I wasn't that surprised by the review, and during it, I didn't get emotional or even argue anything. It's just that 4 or 5 days later, it's starting to sting.)
Anyway, on top of that delightfulness, there are many, many new and Very Important projects. Ideas that people come up with, that they never manage to think all the way through. Or follow up about. But they manage to send me an email with an ACTION item. And they needed it yesterday.
I guess if I combine the two problems -- goal malaise plus things that need following-through-on -- I could come out on top, by bringing some things to fruition and thus looking awesome.
But blogging and Twitter and online shopping all seem like a lot more fun to me right at this moment.
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