Toni, speaking to my heart

I've found a mommy who knows my heart at Strong Coffee. I wish I'd written her post from a few days back. It's precisely what I have been thinking lately -- what I wish I could embrace fully and stop pouting about -- on being a working mom at home. Here are excerpts. Go read her. She's smart.

She says, that when you're working at home, with all its interruptions and distractions (i.e., the kids themselves):

Play with them, read to them, walk with them, take them on picnics. Be the mom, don't sweat the deadlines (much). Then, during a lull in the day or when one or more are napping, set up some down time for them and work for a bit. Sit wherever they are in a comfy chair with a lap desk and work while they drive trains and cars along your arms and legs, happy just for the security and warmth of your presence. They will survive...

Ask [the husband] to take over both dinner and clean-up so I can work. Both of those chores are normally my province, since he's outside of the home busting his hump for 10+ hours/day. But he understands deadlines and knows how much work I have. "No problem" is his reply.

(It's funny, Toni, that my husband is always willing to do the cooking and clean-up, too... and yet I rarely ask him to.)

Weather the interruptions gracefully not grumpily.

Get up early when I can, before the kids. Work late if I have to. Never forget that they will only be this tiny and needful for the blink of an eye. Remember to give thanks for all I do have when I'm scared I'm not going to make it or worrying over all I don't.

What a lovely reminder to be grateful. Especially for the time I have with AJ. To this wise advice, I can only add:

When it's naptime, and he crawls up into the crook of your neck, closes his eyes, and listens to you hum, stay there just one extra moment before putting him down and closing the door. The work can wait.

Had a good night

AJ had a much better night last night, and evidently, a good day at daycare. Less crying, more walking! He's been doing great -- his little legs are just getting so strong! It's so hard to believe how much they learn in the first year.

I should not watch "Nanny 911"

Or, WTF??

Last night we tuned to my Favorite Channel (sarcasm), Fox, and took in an episode of the latest reality smash, "Nanny 911." Now, normally I enjoy watching hapless parents make idiots of themselves on national television. (Especially the episode where the 3-year-old would only pee OUTSIDE or in the shower, because the potty was "too scary." Not to make fun, and I know potty training is hard, but c'mon, people -- who lets their kid pee outside in the yard?? Ah, the joy of reality TV.) Last night's installment, however, hit a little too close to home.

See, AJ has recently taken to screaming fits. You might call them tantrums. It happens whenever he is left by himself for, oh, I don't know, Two Seconds. I don't know what is going on in his little brain but if I set him down on the kitchen floor, and give him a toy or two for distraction, and walk the 3 feet to the sink to wash my hands.... he starts in with the crying. And I don't mean whimpering -- this is all-out, hold-my-breath-til-I-turn-blue Crying. Wailing. He'll only stop if I pick him up.

Um, hello? AJ? C'mon now, you're a good kid.... what have I done to deserve this? I don't spoil him. For heaven's sake, I take him to day care 3 days a week -- he knows he can survive without me. It's not like I sit with him all day, every day. The day care teachers say he does the same to them, lately. Another example: I have put him to bed without him being asleep (a gentler method of Ferberizing, I think) for several months now -- he's done fine. But last night, he wouldn't have it. My question is this -- Is AJ manipulating me (and them) before he is One Year Old??? Or is it just a bout of separation anxiety (read: a Phase) and he'll get over it?

Parents, please chime in and tell me this is normal. Tell me this is a phase. He's also grown very attached to his blankie, so I think he's just having some separation issues right now. Right? RIGHT??

Condensed version

We did so much during our week of vacation that I'd be here for days if I tried to write it all down. Here, then, are what I think are the five most noteworthy things I personally experienced:

1. Rented Waverunners with my husband, sister, and her fiance. Say that three times fast! Rent Waverunners. Rent Waverunners. Rent Waverunners. :) I was not, I admit, overly interested in this activity, but my husband has been talking about wanting to do this for the last 2 years, so I was obliged to try it, and being a Florida native, I was embarrassed to say I'd never done it before, so this was a good time to remedy that situation. And we really had fun. We rode in tandem, 2 of us on each machine, and what I really enjoyed the most was just holding onto DH so tight, knowing he was going to be careful and safe (and still drive the thing faster than a speeding bullet). Is it too cheesy to say it was a metaphor for life as we know it? Of course it is. But that won't stop me: We're just holding on (or, at least I am), while we bounce over all the waves and make sharp turns and get sprayed with salt water. Fun in the sun, it was.
   
2. Took AJ to the wading pool and to the beach, and took video of both. Not that this was really important, but it was fun. He had a good time in the water, but only when he could stand up near the side and put his toys in and out of the water. So cute. He also enjoyed the beach, but just the sand part. He'd wad it up in his little fists, wondering ever so obviously "what in heck IS this stuff?" Then he'd grab his green plastic pail, and dump the sand all over himself -- so much that after a while, he couldn't even move. He was our little Sugar Cookie.
   
3. Went shopping with my best friend, MB. There is a huge outlet mall close to our condo, so we went looking for bargains and had a great time. We also talked a lot about money, and saving money, and her life as a stay-at-home mom, and mine as a working mom. I came away from it feeling inspired. I even talked to DH about it and I feel great about that, as well. I think we are going to have a plan here real soon.
   
4. I did not read one single blog for 7 whole days. I missed you guys, but... wow. This item in itself was a vacation. Because it's an addiction, reading blogs. It really is. I'd like to say I did not think about work one single time, but that would be a lie. Every once in a while I thought about the Big Project I was trying to get finished before we left. I had to close my eyes and go underwater each time it happened to shake those vacation-interrupting thoughts away! Boooo for that!
   
5. I got a tan, swam laps one morning, and did not, as hoped, jump-start my workout regimen. I am no longer Mighty Whitey. But I am also not thin and gorgeous and physically fit. All this is noteworthy only because the next big family event is my sister's wedding, in which I wear a light blue spaghetti-strap bridesmaid dress. We're excited to all be together again in only 4 weeks, and.... I really couldn't care about the "thin" thing, because, damn, were those fried shrimp and Oreos and Mudslides and daquiris good. :)

And yes, this IS the condensed version. :)

The good things

Sometimes I have to take a minute to notice all the good things going on. For example, even though I have to work today, without my usual 2-foot-tall assistant, I am quietly typing on my iBook G4, while sitting outside in the morning air, enjoying a big, steaming cup of cafe au lait. There are a ton of birdies in our neighborhood, who chirp like crazy in the morning as if to say, "wake up, wake up! It's another new day!" I am well-rested this morning, and planning to get a whole lot of work done, so that we can leave tomorrow for our much anticipated and blogged about beach vacation. (I know that those of you who aren't coming with, are sick of it, but BEACH VACATION.)

And, my little boy, who is 11 months and 1 week old and loved so dearly,
took his first steps for us last night. :)

So you see? Good things.

Food stuff

When I get to the beach, I am going to stay up late one night catching up on all of The Amateur Gourmet's recent posts. He is so darn funny. He's a FoodTV watcher like me. I wonder if he's seen "The Next Food Network Star?" (realityTV, when will it end??!) Or worse, "Hell's Kitchen" on Fox.

Most of all I wonder what he's been eating. Since I just had the worst Filet-O-Fish ever, I could deal with some "gourmet." Go check AG out. I guarantee a laugh or two.

You have got to be kidding me.

This is why I don't watch the news. It's hard to believe some of this world -- most notably, the western edge of this United States, i.e., Beverly Hills -- is actually real. Miss Paris Hilton has announced that she is going to "retire." She's giving up her CAREER as a rich, fashion-loving, dumb-blonde, dog-toting shopaholic..... err, um, excuse me, I meant "a businesswoman and a brand," -- so that she can embrace MOTHERHOOD and FAMILY LIFE. And apple pie, too, no doubt. Forgive me. That's funny.

I suppose I should feel a very special bond with her, wanting as we both do, to put our career [dreams] on hold so that we can raise babies. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Paris as a mother. An eensy bit too much for me on this fine Tuesday morning. I don't begrudge anyone the chance at parenthood; it's a wonderful, magical state and biologically, I guess we all have the right to enjoy it... It is just hard to believe when all we see of her is the plastic party-girl persona. That giggly smile. 'Course, that's the media for you. And I guess if Britney can do it.... sigh.

The motherhood thing is not really my issue.

That they call it "Retiring..." THAT is Beyond Ridiculous.

T-minus

Five days and counting.

Is it because we didn't take a vacation last year that we are craving it so badly this year? Last summer, we had to skip our beach week. AJ was due on July 9... so I timidly asked my doctor at the beginning of June... "I bet you're going to say I shouldn't go to the beach at the end of this month, right?" And he asked where I'd be going, and how far it was from the hospital (I suppose the "beach" at Atlanta's man-made lake island, about an hour away, would have been okay)... I sighed. "Destin... about 6 hours." He shook his head and poof! Vacation vanished. No one was more bummed than my husband, who felt perfectly fine. But he stuck it out here with his enlarged wife, knowing the rest of the fam was riding jetskis and soaking up sunscreen. He's so good to me.

Of course, AJ was born and the importance of a vacation at the beach seemed laughable in the face of such a tiny little miracle. :) We had a great summer.... well, it was a little difficult at night, I'll admit that.... and great. We welcomed him mightily to the world!

But this year, it is definitely time to vacate. Even AJ needs it. He had a rough day yesterday, and we couldn't figure out why. We were playing, all three of us, on the living room floor, and he'd be perfecty happy. Then without warning, he'd plop down on his bottom and start wailing! *tilts head questioningly* Huh? That happened in several instances. After he had his nighttime bath -- in the big tub (with non-skid frogs stuck to the bottom) so he had extra room to wiggle around! -- he seemed to feel better, but when it was time for bed, he unleashed a holy storm of tears again. Might have had something to do with the fact that I forced my finger into his mouth to remove the leaves and who-knows-what-else he'd found on the floor, before he swallowed them. Maybe.

Today, I'm working from home but I took him to daycare. I hope that means I will get a LOT accomplished for work. There is a lot on my to-do list. It feels all wrong, though, that he's 3 minutes down the street and not with me. But, sometimes we must sacrifice for the good of the team ...and the reward will be sweet on Friday. :)

Big, deep breath.

When I took a yoga class several years ago, it was pointed out that most of us don't breathe deeply enough in our daily lives. That's fairly obvious in my case! What a week. I don't know why some weeks, some months, nothing really significant happens in the well of emotions that is me... and then all of a sudden, in one or 2 days I have a bucket full. But instead of letting myself remain overwhelmed, I'm just going to take life one day at a time. This is the state of things, this is "where I'm at." I'm trying to just be at peace with the inner struggle, for now. In..... Out..... (oh, I have to do it again?) In...... Out.

It's Friday. One Week 'Til Vacation. Take That, emotions!

Yesterday I thought it'd be fun to see what AJ's reaction to crayons would be. I knew in my heart what it'd be, but I thought, hey, perhaps he's a creative genius and these talents need to be exercised earlier than I think. (I was also hankering to TEACH him something -- to do something more than face my computer screen while he, behind me, played all by himself. Sob. Wait a second....... IN......OUT.)

At any rate, he reacted exactly as I knew he would, which was to attempt to eat the crayons. I did my best to show him the art of scribbling. "Look, honey!! I'm making COLORS! Isn't that neat?" I suppose we'll have to wait another few weeks or months, and try again. I bring this up only to introduce today's time-wasting Blogthing:

You are

What Rejected Crayon Are You?

Funny, I was just thinking about getting a tan. Happy weekend, cyber-pals. Happy weekend, Self.

Ruminations on yesterday's work-hate

I think the problem is that I'm letting a tough project get to me emotionally. It's been a long while since I've had a really difficult project, one where I had to actually buckle down and learn something. I've been doing my job for years now. In different capacities, yes, but the same basic job -- so I usually don't have to think that hard about it. In this case, that's not true. Besides having to actually use my brain, I have to work around some technicial difficulties that I'm not used to -- that aren't a typical part of my job. To be frank, it sucks royally.

As far as being "over the edge," I had several moments yesterday of "Waaa, I want to quit working," but I think they're nothing more than any working person has, really, any day of the week. It's very "Office Space:"

"Yeah, I don't think I'm going to go to work any more. I just don't feel like going.... Well, what about, like bills and stuff?.... Uh, you know, I never really liked paying them... I don't think I'll pay them anymore, either."

And I mean, don't we all feel that way half the time? The only difference here is, I actually have something I'd really rather be doing, and that, of course, is being a mommy. So it comes down to that for me, because I'm still biologically attached to that child, no matter how well I Play the Professional or the Supermom. The wish to stay home is natural -- I don't think any mom ever truly goes back to the office willingly. Maybe I'm wrong. I know that I didn't go willingly. I knew that, for the time being, this was how it had to be, and since it's become the routine, I've just accepted it and gotten lazy about it, I guess -- lazy about trying to make the situation different. If I was really determined, I suppose I could find a way to budget it all out. But figuring that out takes time and energy, too, which I am a bit short on these days. So I do my best. I really enjoy having adult company, and I am proud of the work I do, when I have the energy to do it well. But deep down, I sometimes wish that I hadn't been born in this post-feminism era, where women are allowed and encouraged to do it all. I don't mean I want to go back to subservience, I just mean... you know what I mean. I'm glad to have had the chance at a career, and all the rights and privileges blah blah blah. But lately I feel like now is the time for something else for me. A different Career - that time-honored one.

I got mad when I once read a post by a woman who said she was "adamantly" Stay-at-Home -- she meant, every mom needs to, and those who don't are "less than." At that time I defended all the reasons (justifications) for working outside the home. I was incensed that she thought she could label me as not as good a mother, because I had to devote time to something other than the baby. I think I told her that, We Are the Mothers that We Are. Working or not, we are 100% mother. And if we work, it informs and is part of our mothering. But... I'm getting tired of defending it. I'd rather pick the one job -- the Home Manager -- and leave the other one behind.

So my mind is whirring. Refinance the house? Never, ever eat out again? Coupons? Who knows.

I wish this post were more definitive. I guess I'm in a state of The Unknown. Maybe I'm always in this state and it only bubbles to the surface every once in a while. I know I'm having to wrestle with this tough project at work for a reason... maybe it's to bring all these thoughts into my mind and make me do something about it.

Or maybe it's just to keep me on my toes. At any rate, I'd better get to work. AJ's tearing something apart in the den, and I haven't checked my voice mail yet.

Hate hate hate hate hate hate

Can I just express my feelings for the project that I am currently working with in my day job? I'll tell you. The client is XYZ University. We are supposed to be redesigning and rewriting their website. I hate the process they have dictated, I hate their marketing strategy and the politics behind it, I hate the bad organizational plan, I hate the look, I hate the extremely faulty technology.... I hate that I have to be involved with it at all. Truly, this one is enough to put me over the edge.

Gotta go, I'm on a conference call with them. Shhhh.

< / rant >

The story of my life.... will have to be postponed

I have so much I'd like to write about. Not events -- I'd just like to sit here and reflect, and pour it all out through my fingers. But alas, I have a list of work-things that must get done today, and must start first thing. So, for now: AJ's curious stage is being accompanied by a whiny stage, when we don't let him explore certain things (like medicine bottles or the inside of the freezer) -- why is that?.... I had a long thought about Catholics and the sacarament of Reconciliation (Confession) the other day that I'd like to remember.... Our co-worker who had throat cancer has returned to work (although I don't know if he's coming in today).... I'm really, really thinking about part-time work and can-we-make-it-work.... and, thank God, there are only 11 days until my vacation. (You will have to endure the countdown 'til we get there.)

Clean(er) house, clean conscience

Do you have that thing where, if your house is out of order, you just feel like you aren't RIGHT?? I do. Thank goodness my husband makes the bed most mornings while I'm showering. I didn't realize how bad it had gotten 'til I vacuumed the downstairs this morning. Whooo-eee, did that need doing! Not only do we have a long-haired dog, but with new-carpet-fuzz crawling all over the floors, it wasn't pretty.

I feel better now, though.

Birthday weekend was lovely. I slept in ('til 8) both mornings, drank a Mojito on birthday night, and spent time with my two favorite people in the whole world. Received 4 books -- the perfect gift! Received a couple of checks -- even more perfect. ;) I made my wish and blew out a candle. I'm 31. Life is good.

Don't let me forget this

Here is what I want to do for my birthday.

1. Do a little shopping. We have both been saying we want new clothes, especially for the summer, and guess what -- they aren't going to buy themselves. So let's get up, get out of the house, and find some deals. (And also take back the FOURTH set of baby gates to Babies R Us. Argh.)
2. Go out to dinner. It's a Saturday night, for crying out loud. I don't particularly care where we go, as long as it isn't Applebees or Longhorn Steaks, each of which is one-half mile from our house and neither of which feels much like "out."
3. After dinner, come home and bathe, then put to bed, one happy and adorable little boy, after many kisses and smiles.
4. After that, *presuming that the weather is nice,* I want to take a bottle of wine and 2 glasses onto our backyard deck, along with a deck of cards or our "Pass the Pigs" game, and just sit there and talk and sip and play. It's call REEEE-LAXING. If we do that (instead of lame-ly turning on the Idiot Box), I will be much more likely to stay awake. **Please let the weather be nice.**

When DH asks me on Saturday morning, what do I want to do for my birthday, I must remember this.

No thinking, just playing

Friday funtime. Since I spend an awful lot of time singing the ABCs, anyway, I liked this meme that's going around.
A is for Age - just shy of 31
B is for Booze - Margarita
C is for Career - writer/editor and project manager for a small marketing firm
D is for Dad’s name - Joe
E is for Essential items to bring to a party - lipstick, husband
F is for Favorite song at the moment - heard one from the newest U2 CD, something about "the distance between a man and a woman." Pretty. Kinda speaks to me lately, as parenthood means we're not taking enough time for each other. :(
G is for Games you like - (I added this one myself) Spades, Hearts, Trivial Pursuit
H is for Hometown - Pensacola, FL
I is for Instrument you play - piano (but only sporadically)
J is for Jam or Jelly you like - strawberry jelly
K is for Kids - 1 darling son, AJ, age 11 months
L is for Living arrangement - I live with three men! Husband, Baby Boy, and male dog! In a house, 3 br 2.5 bath. In the suburbs.
M is for Mom’s name - Linda
N is for Names of best friends - Marybeth, Jill, Shawn
O is for overnight hospital stays - just the baby's birth
P is for Phobias - none, really
Q is for Quote you like - "Simplify, simplify, simplify!" -Thoreau (do I follow it? That's another story)
R is for Relationship that lasted longest - thankfully, this one with husband! 6 years, including dating :)
S is for Siblings - 1 wonderful sister
T is for Time of Day you prefer - morning person. 9 am. (another one I made up! The meme came without a "T")
U is for Unique trait - how about the flouride stains on my teeth? They're pretty darn unique unless you're from Hereford, TX
V if for Vegetable you love - tomatoes, especially fresh from the garden
W is for Worst trait - judgemental-ness
X - is for X-rays you’ve had - just teeth
Y is for Yummy food you make - crepes, and (easy) shrimp etouffee
Z is for Zodiac sign - Gemini

So... um.... I'm eating crow

I have a confession. I've been using ASL signs with AJ. Shocked??? I know. I made such a big stink about baby signs back in April, and here I go adopting them. I'm sorry, but I realized, in a real light bulb over the head moment, that this means of communicating might help prevent (or stop) the Toddler Tantrums. Ding Ding Ding!! We have a winner. Judging by the (sweet, but) sometimes already whiney nature of my darling boy, we might need a weapon against the Tantrums. Also judging by my Mom's tales of my own Tantrums, which were the classic, face-down-on-the-floor, flailing-all-appendages variety.

I still maintain that babies create their OWN signs before learning anything WE teach them. Just for the record. Pass the salt, my crow's not all that tasty.

Takes me back!

Isn't it just astounding how music can make you travel back in time? I mean... astounding! I pulled out the old Vertical Horizon CD this morning -- remember them? The one-hit wonders of 1999-2000? -- and, man, was I transported right back to the time when DH and I were first dating! *Awwww.* The whole album is so melancholy. All about "You don't want me back," and "You were the best I ever had," and "I just thought I'd let you go..." But because it was purchased back in The Day, at one of the great little independent record shops we used to frequent when we weren't (gasp) suburbanites.... and because it was one of the first CDs WE purchased, together, to share.... it sounds purely romantic to me. I listened to it ad infinitum back then, and could do it again now just for the memories. Makes me feel all lovey. :)