Feeling angsty about my y-o-b again. Similar angst to last summer, in that I'm feeling like I want out, I'm done -- but not for exactly the same reasons. This time there's a bit of fear behind it. We have new leadersh|p and I've heard s/he's (gender-non-specified for extra anonymity) a hatchett-man, and I'm feeling vulnerable. I guess I can't give all the details here but I can try to vaguely give some. For starters, I don't know how much backup I have, numbers-wise, for my position. There's one big, perennial project I am part of that typically gets the eyebrow-raise when budget time rolls around. The project is a huge money-suck, so I'm worried it will be axed right off the bat. That wouldn't be terrible, it's a huge pain in the ass, too. But it's probably 40% of my job (and the part I enjoy). The other part, I do well, but I don't know that I'm the most qualified person for it -- and new leadersh!p types sometimes bring in their own peeps, you know?
The good things are so good. Location, location, location. Salary. Vacation time I've built up. Location in relation to the kids' school. Leave work at work. Health benefits are good. Those are the reasons I have stayed.
I'm trying to figure out who can counsel me about this. I have a friend that I admire for her career success, and she's just close enough but not quite in my same field that I think she could intelligently comment. Problem is, she just lost her most recent job due to circumstances (not her work), and I don't think she knows that I know this. I'm not sure she'd want to advise anyone. I'm going to message her anyway, I think.
My brain tells me not to jump to any conclusions, and not to judge anyone, or let them ruin my day, with no evidence. My husband tells me the only four things that are important: Show up. Be honest. Do your best. Be unattached to the end result. I know that's truth, too. But the feelings I'm having are real, and are occupying a lot of my brain-space the last day or so.
5 comments:
Ugh Ugh Ugh...Lets chat. Hang in there. He is so right, but your feelings are still REAL. The intellectual and the emotional are sometimes incongruent, but that doesnt invalidate either one. Hang in there. I am quite quite sure that you are valued and respected more than your humble self lets you realize!!
oh, i appreciate those words. thank you.
I'm with MaryB. In my work life after Stein, I came to realize what an unusual group we had there -- smart, kind, competent people, and you were one of the best. You know, at the Project Center, right before I left, I had heard that they were probably going to get me to help manage their move to a new location. That killed me -- I mean, me, an office manager type?!?! (I know exactly how snobby that sounds -- I'm being perfectly honest here.) But the truth was, I was hating my current position for all kinds of reasons and everyone knew it, and I'm sure it was either move me to a new position or get rid of me. Not a good feeling -- because you want to be the one making the decisions about your career, right?! Anyway, the right thing happened for me, for sure. Just stay open to whatever happens. You may be in a far better place in a year than you are now!
I think it's a defensive reaction that I'm feeling like I might want to leave -- before they decide FOR me, you know?
I like the idea of being open to whatever comes up. and the good thing is, I think my direct managers want to use my talents the same way *I* want to. Hopefully they can convey that to the new Cheese, with success. We shall see.
Ugh, yes, this. I hate this feeling of uncertainty. I'm sorry that you're going through it.
I have to say, though - I'm glad that I'm not alone in not really KNOWING for sure what I want to be when I grow up. I like my job (like you) and some aspects more than others (like you) but I don't have this overwhelming feeling of "THIS IS IT." Maybe I'm expecting too much?
I hope it all works out for you.
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