Insight

I have learned: Transitions = Hard for Miss Kate. Summer to school, for instance. We had ourselves a jolly little (big) meltdown last night over America's Got Talent. She put herself to bed - just fell asleep, exhausted. (She'd already been having an emotional day, crying at school during a thunderstorm, her teacher told me. This fear does not seem to be going away.) Nothing makes you more tired than a big cry, I know from experience.

Also. My PMS time is not a good time for her meltdowns to happen, sheesh-oh-pete. I had been having an emotional day for a variety of reasons, already, yesterday, too. Alex growing up. My job not fitting my parameters of work-life balance. Etc. But it is OKAY to not feel OKAY. And just because your feelings are fueled by PMS does not mean they're made up. They're the same feelings you'd have without PMS, only magnified. They're real, and they're allowed. Positive Self Talk.

I found a daily prayer resource that I like. It's an app called Sacred Space. I've been using it for a few days now.

This morning I read John 12:24 about the grain of wheat and unless it dies, it's just a grain. But if it dies, it bears much fruit. Never really understood that one, or cared to, just accepted it. But today, thinking about it, I finally get it. I FINALLY get that you have to be bruised and broken up, like the grain is at harvest, tilled under, in order to fertilize the ground and sprout and live. So all the intense arguments, the difficult relationships, the little sadnesses, the hardest burdens to bear - those are what give us life.

I'm not sure I am grateful for that fact -- like, still, why? Why does it have to be hard? -- but I see it now. I can accept it as true. 

I AM grateful for this time of insight and happy spiritual awareness lately. Possibly has to do with connecting in prayer more often (duh), but it's been good for my soul. Let the kids tell you about how I cried at Mass last Sunday! Woo, that was a doozy. From all my worry about Alex's first week of high school, all the crying out to Jesus that I did that week in prayer -- then to hear some really powerful music just broke me open. It was good, and right and cleansing and I needed it. They were properly confused by it... and when they kinda made fun of me, talking/asking about it, I got embarrassed and a little mad. So much crazy emotion. Gah.

Anyway. This is all over the place. Happy Friday. I'm so glad it's the weekend, and grateful for my life with all its grains of wheat.