Zen things

These are my zen goals (I guess that's a little bit of an oxymoron) for next week's vacation:

1. Breathe in the good, warm salt air and experience morningtime, my favorite time of day.
2. Have breakfast on the porch.
3. Play games with my kids. Football-throwing in the pool, card games on coffee tables, sand castles and digging on the beach, wave chasing at the water's edge, mini-golf across the street.
4. Share quiet evenings with my husband. Maybe a moonlight walk. :)
5. Make each day last longer by being fully present in, and grateful for, as many moments as I can.
6. Give thanks and appreciation for each person I am with, and make an effort to be with all of them.
7. Read, and maybe nap.
8. Eat mindfully and drink plenty of water. 
9. Enjoy the happy buzz of a sweet cocktail or two.
10. Practice yoga, and enjoy some cardio (what a concept!) in the water each day.

We leave tomorrow morning. I'm going to attempt to stay away from the lure of those  iPhone Apps, especially during the day. Head up! Look at the scenery! I'll catch you guys on the other side.

Time for wishing it were so...

I absolutely have an idealized memory of my summer vacations as a kid - a whole lot of doing nothing, jumping on the trampoline, playing with the neighbors, "free as a bird" free time. And watching TV.

But Swistle's awesome Summer Regimens post yesterday made me remember what I wanted to write about summertime activities. First of all, in my comment over there, I said I distinctly remember piano practice being the one summer activity I had to do that felt like work. I know my Mom didn't force the issue -- she was not a Tiger Mom -- but I do remember thinking, "It's summer! I shouldn't HAVE to do anything!" when it came to music practice. (There was probably violin practice required in there somewhere, which I hated infinitely more than piano practice.)

I loved reading books, doing the library's summer programs, vacation bible school, playing tennis and swimming lessons.

What I wanted to write about summertime was: I am SO GLAD sometimes that I don't have to entertain my kids every day of the summer! I would totally put them in the least expensive daycamps I could find, as often as possible, because GAH! They're bad enough on Saturdays and Sundays! I would have to think of things like daily worksheet time (thank goodness for printables), and once a week experiments (which would likely just be "baking"), and I think I WOULD have to institute certain times of day for certain things. Like chores! OH YES, I would institute chores-time. And TV-time, all other time being NO TV-time.

My kids are whiners, that's for sure, and if they weren't in daycare/camp, they would whine about being boooooooored. I am certain of it. 

The more I think about it, the more exact my plan starts to become. And I guess this would have been true if I had been a stay-at-home Mom before my kids were in school. (KT starts pre-K this fall so the time for my wishing it were so is effectively over. Can you believe that?) I really would have -- I've always said this -- been a meticulous planner about our schedules. Possibly too much.

So maybe, after all these years, looking back, I'm thankful for having been a working mom.(Maybe.)

Rules for Dads

Here's another fantastic post about Being a Great Dad by Leo Babauta.

Excerpt: There are only three things you need to do to be a great dad:

1. Be there. If you’re in their lives, you rock. If you’re there when they scrape their knee, lose their first tooth, need someone to cry to, need help with their school project, want a partner for playing house or hide-and-seek... you are already being a great dad. Be there, when they need you, and when they don’t.

2. Love them. They will know you love them, if you love them fully. It will show in your smile, in your touch, in your good-morning hugs. But also tell them on a regular basis. Infuse all your dad actions with love.

3. Be present. It’s great to be in the same room with them, but as much as you can afford to, be fully present with them. Shut off the mobile device, close the laptop, turn off the TV, and really pay attention. Listen to their long fragmented stories. Really watch when they want to show off their new wizard or ninja move.

The best thing about these rules? They can be applied to Moms, too. The 2nd-best thing: My kids' Dad already knows them by instinct.

Thanks for being you, DH, and for sacrificing your Father's Day to drive us safely on the highway yesterday.

Oh, those 'Dallas' Friday nights

Man, I LOVED the Dallas reboot Wednesday night. I didn't watch the second hour but it's definitely waiting for me -- and now on Series Record -- on the DVR.

We spent Friday nights watching the show when I was a kid, as a family, which I find so funny now because I wouldn't let my kids watch such a show! But at the time that's what was available, and besides, my mom was born and raised in Big D, and we were Texans, and that was the end of any argument, not that there ever was one.

I loved how they re-filmed the opening sequence, almost exactly like the original but in HD, with that awesome theme song. I got chills. (Should I be embarrassed?) And the aerial shots of Southfork still looked the same -- those yellow and white striped awnings in the back!! the SF logo!! -- and the soap opera-y twists and turns and crazy plot devices were so expected, and yet still fun. It's campy, but I think it's in a good way. I can see getting sick of that as it goes on, but for the first episode, it was the perfect nod to the "olden days."

I thought the younger actors were great, although I think they cast the girlfriends with too much brunette. Have they never been to Texas? Texas has blondes and I imagine John Ross and Christopher would be the type of guys who insist on blond-hair-blue-eyes. Duh. Unless they're having mommy-issues, since both of their moms... well, anyway. I had a hard time keeping up with which brunette was which.

And dear, sweet, good Bobby. He was ...one of my first celebrity crushes. (Aaaannnnd I'll never hear the end of THAT from DH.) ;)

Of course, my mom and her sister were devotees back in the day; they had taken us kids to visit the "Southfork" house during one of our trips to Dallas. Another time, when I was around ten, we heard that they were filming the Cattle Barons' Ball (they mentioned it Weds. night, too!) in a local hotel and we drove right over there to see who we could see. We had a blast. I think we saw Patrick Duffy, I know we saw Victoria Principal and Christopher Atkins (later seasons!) and had pictures taken with them, and we were told that my cousin Tom got a private audience with Larry Hagman himself -- he was the only boy in the group of 6 kids, and someone with the crew took him down the hall to a room where Hagman evidently was waiting for his next appearance on set. All of us kids were just in AWE -- TOMMY MET J.R.!!!! The rest of us never saw him but I smiled last night, when he finally got up out of his chair, that million-dollar J.R. grin still recognizable.

It doesn't feel quite right on a Wednesday, but everything else about it was awesome.

p.s. Thanks to my mom, I found this article, an excellent interview with Patrick Duffy! Reading that just makes me happy. :)

Tweet I liked

Hee hee.

Summer begins

Yesterday we got a postcard from AJ and it absolutely made my day. He has been away at summer camp for 89:28 hours and I do miss him! His postcard says he is having "SO much fun." Underlined. :)

The whole experience has been great for the Mama, too. If you're going to send your kid to camp, I highly recommend a Christian one. Most of you probably know that. But, oh, has this camp filled my heart with gladness and peace, and my eyes with good tears, on so many occassions! When we arrived, the 4 counselors recognized him from the photo I attached to his application! Called him by name! When we were setting him up in his cabin, one of the counselors handed me a picture of himself, something the camp had printed up, to remind me of his name so that I could pray for him daily. DH took that in the sarcastic way, like, "PRAY for me, I'll be here with 16 seven-year-olds all week!" (haha!) but I think it was meant in the earnest-Christian way, and I just LOVE that. I've kept his picture right under AJ's on my desk at work and I have, indeed, prayed for them both, all week.

Maybe I'm growing, at least in my prayer-life, as AJ is growing in confidence and independence.

It's so comforting to know that he's in good hands, and being prayed for and loved by all these people who barely know him. What a gift. He's probably learning things about Jesus and the Bible that, forgive me, but they don't teach the same way in Catholicism. I don't fault Catholicism, but I know that my youth was influenced so wonderfully by the earnest and loving Protestants in various times of my life, and I'm thrilled to give AJ a taste of that branch of Christianity, too. I hope he's soaking it up.

Before he left, he had been swimming one time, with a friend on the last day of school. I'm really glad of it. Before I sent him out into the big, bad world of sleepaway camp, I was at least assured that he remembers, from last summer's lessons and progress, to kick his feet. I wasn't there with him that day and it was a TEST of my phobia, for sure. I hate to admit it, but I still seem to fear his drowning, and for some reason I continue to let my mind go there. I spent the afternoon panicked, shaking it off, willing myself not to think about it, panicked again, and then after a quick Google of "how to pray about fear," reading and re-reading, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

I only texted the mother once, saying, "All OK?" But I had the urge to text her several additional times, to say, "Remind AJ to KICK HIS FEET."

This week I know they're swimming at camp, too. But I'm trying to trust that he's in good hands. (Actually I saw photos of the pool and its shallow end is extremely shallow, plus I think that at least 4 counselors and 1 lifeguard are present any time the kids are in the water.) Trust is something I probably could stand to work on, for more than just my kids' swimming, so it's good to practice.

As for Miss KT, she has been extra sweet this week while she's had the parents all to herself. I really think this has been good for her, as well. Monday was my birthday and we celebrated with a nice dinner out (and my new Kindle Fire! I've already ordered a new book for it, woo-hoo!! Fiction!*) Tuesday after work, she and I had a big game of Dollhouse in her room, and I loved being able to focus just on her, and not feel like I was ignoring AJ. Yesterday I took HER to the pool -- still in arm-floaties, no mama-fear! -- and this afternoon, I think we're going to do some baking (banana bread). She and I will go back up to the camp tomorrow morning to pick up her brother.

So far, I like this summer a lot. :) Our big beach vacation is in two weeks, and my 20-year high school reunion is in July. Lots to look forward to! Lots to be grateful for.



* I did read some fiction at the end of May. The Road, by Cormac McCarthy. Excellent book. I've started another, given to me by DH's grandmother, that's definitely a beach read. I think it's even called Summer By The Sea. By Susan Wiggs. Not my typical choice, but it's keeping me busy while DH watches E3 (video gaming conference) coverage all week! The one I bought is called I Am Forbidden, and it IS my typical kind of book, about Hasidic Judaism. Can't wait to start it!

Genealogy moment

My mom has taken to sending these emails to my sister and me, called "genealogy moments," on certain birthdays or anniversaries. (Because she's a [very lovable] genealogy nerd! She goes to genealogy camp and everything!) Sometimes the emails are about things we know, like our own grandparents' birthdays, and sometimes they're things we might have heard before, but don't think about very often. Here is today's, and it's one of our most interesting family stories, I think:

Your dad's grandmother, Radegundi "Gundi" W___, was born this day in 1874 or 1876 (conflicting reports). Her mother died when she was a baby. Her father didn't know what to do with all his children without his wife, so he sent some of them to be raised by the nuns; Gundi was one of those. She came to the USA when she was a teenager, traveling alone on a ship. Her brothers had paid her passage, but she didn't know that it included meals so she didn't eat for days. I guess she finally found out she could eat too. After arriving in NYC she traveled to Chicago, still alone, where 2 of her brothers, Frank and George, were living. She married Ferdinand R______ in Chicago in 1894. They must have attended the Chicago World's Fair in 1893, don't you think?

Can you imagine sending your child across the ocean, to be raised by the nuns??? Crazy. P.S. Yesterday was, incidentally, the 20th anniversary of my high school graduation! Learned this from a friend on Facebook (I had no recollection of the actual date). *Points to self* Officially OLD.

Five months of non-fiction

Since finishing The Hunger Games trilogy, I haven't read any fiction except for a couple of The 39 Clues books that AJ is reading. That's since January, my friends, and that is a record for me, in lack of fiction.

It hasn't been entirely on purpose, but I have surprised myself by enjoying it. I'm not reading history books either, it's all been self-help-ish. I've wondered if this is the beginning of my mid-life crisis. Or, mid-life re-evaluation, or something.

I started this course, as I say, unintentionally, with Committed, by Liz Gilbert, only because I'd heard it's as good as Eat, Pray, Love. And you know, her stuff reads kind-of like a novel so it was a perfect segue. I'm still not through it completely but I do love her voice.

I got distracted, though, when we were having all of our stress. I believe I mentioned I had to pull Parenting with Love & Logic back off my shelf, to remind myself how to parent. (It's been going better, by the way. Mostly... KT's battle of choice these days has switched from bedtime to bathtime. We don't WANNNNNNNNNT to wash our hair, everEVER. Not with new fancy shampoo, not at the kitchen sink *just like a salon!*, not nowhere, no-how. SOMETIMES, if Daddy lets us dump water on HIS head, we will allow someone to then dump water on our head. But not always.)

I also discovered No Regrets Parenting, and have it on my Kindle. I was stopped in my tracks reading the author's tweets about how "the days are long, but the years are short." He sends this one out every few days: "Only 940 Saturdays from birth to age 18 -- if your kid is 5, you've used up 260 already. What are you doing this weekend??" AAAAACCCKKK. Gets me right in the heart. So I've not even read two chapters of his book; I'd like to, but I feel like I'm wasting PRECIOUS MOMENTS if I sit down with it.

And then, I've been dealing with the yuckiness that comes with a desk job a little bit, too. Specifically, not enjoying the desk job. Happens perennially. So I grabbed a book called Off Balance by Matthew Kelly. Its premise is this: "Work-Life Balance is a myth, and no one actually wants that, anyway." I love this idea. No one wants their work life and their personal life to be equal-time! Besides that, you only get ONE life, not two. What we all really WANT is Personal and Professional Satisfaction. If that means less time at work, then you have to work to make that happen. If you'll be more satisfied with more career success, then you'll have to sacrifice other things to GET that satisfaction. The book had a quiz, "How Satisfied Are You?", which I lapped up like a kitten to milk; true story -- I am "finding moderate levels of personal and professional satisfaction." This actually surprised me because, of course, I started reading the book in a time of what I thought were pretty cruddy levels of satisfaction. I'm only disappointed that it doesn't seem to have acute tips, like "Step 1, Step 2..." but I'm not finished with it yet.

Then, I've tweeted at least twice about how much I'm loving zenhabits.net. Mindfulness, how to be happy, how to live well.... all of that just seems to be feeding my soul right now. I'm learning a lot.

But I'm also ready for some great STORY to come along and indulge my literary needs. :)

Morning

dooce posted this and it put a lump in my throat. Thought I should share.

Stock-taking

Eek. I need to get! moving! on a few things:

1. Learn how to make real frosting. We made a cake for New Year's Eve and I used Pillsbury's canned chocolate frosting. I'm sorry, Pillsbury, in general I do love you, but I've decided that canned frosting is not worth my $2.49. ...Tried once; haven't tried again.



2. Have our giant yard sale and clean up the basement.  ...We've priced things; have a few to go; maybe in 2 weeks? Spring will be over soon...


3. Get my personal business files in order and create The Spreadsheet.


4. Contact a law office and get our wills written.


5. Continue working out and possibly run a 5K. Possibly, I said.  ...Argh.


6. Do better with vegetables and my kids. (KT ate - and loved - spinach yesterday though! Cooked spinach!)


7. My photo albums. This will be finished by the end of January, so help me God. ...FINISHED!


8. Finish replacing all the blinds in our house. (There are a few rooms with old-style, crumbling venetian (metal) blinds, and I hate them.)


9. Paint/redecorate the master bath.


10. Clean all the tile/grout. Three bathrooms, one toothbrush, hands and knees. I haven't done it in a very long time and it shows!!  ... Did one bathroom. Still need to do the other two! Bleh.

Becoming a trend?

Remember when I took the kids to the Aquarium during Spring Break, and they behaved like angels and I could barely believe my luck?

They have done it AGAIN.

On our anniversary last Saturday, we didn't get a babysitter but still wanted to go out and celebrate, and I had also decided that there's no reason a celebration of our marriage shouldn't include our kids, so we ventured to the town square, hoping to visit a favorite little Italian place. [Aside: I have never considered myself a lover of Italian restaurants or cuisine. And for a date, it's so cheesy, right? Every movie and TV show always puts the dating scene at an Italian restaurant and I've never felt that spaghetti/pasta (cheap, messy) and meatballs (balls... of meat?) are particularly romantic -- especially not now, when I make spaghetti in my own kitchen 2-3 times a month. I don't know. I mean, obviously we order the grown-up entrees like Chicken Marsala and Lobster Ravioli, but still. I just find it amusing every time I report that we have been to a "favorite Italian place." Like, Who Am I?]

KT's usual claim is that she doesn't LIIIIKE that restaurant, whichever restaurant it is besides McDonald's or Stevi B's Pizza, so I wasn't real hopeful we could make it happen without at least one meltdown. But we did!! Serendipitously, the only tables available were outside. We knew that was the better option, anyway,  to drown out our noise with passing cars and not bother the other patrons. And the weather was perfect. Almost too warm, but not quite. The kids ordered and ate their food (plain pasta for KT, spaghetti with a giant meatball for AJ), drank WATER (miracle) willingly, stayed in their chairs, and were generally so pleasant that I declared it one of the BEST anniversary dates we've ever had! (I hope DH wasn't offended by that.)

This weekend is AJ's First Communion and Grandparents' Day at his school, so ya-ya-ma and Papa Joe arrive this afternoon. The kids have been COUNTING DOWN and are so excited. Yesterday they both kept saying, "I can't wait for tomorrow. I can't wait."

We have a lot of plans for the weekend, and I think it's going to be a good one. :)

My heart

KT says, "mommy, I can hear your heart beep."

Heart beep, you guys.

:)


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My truths, this week

1. Blessing my circumstances. Waking up thankful for everything I can think of.
2. Love and logic (still trying!). "Uh-oh! Looks like you're having another tantrum. That's too bad. I can't think with all this noise going on, so I need to take you to your room. Would you like to stay there with the door open or closed??" Lalala!
3. Keeping perspective about work. Sometimes on the weekends I get a feeling/reminder that my job is so small in the grand scheme of things, and shouldn't be something I fret or get stressed over. It's laughable, really, the daily details of jobs. Totally laughable. Something to laugh at, to distract me for 8 hours a day, to bring home a paycheck. Nothing more.
4. On the flipside of that coin, my job IS actually a ministry to our end-users. I am lucky to have the opportunity every day to do some of the work that Jesus modeled and advised -- aiding the sick, specifically -- in my daily tasks, even if it's indirectly. So I'm trying to keep that in mind.
5. Eating well to fuel, and getting more much-needed exercise. [Countdown to beach week and] I want, on a personal scale, to be an athlete. Or at least a fitness aficionado.

It's a lot

Not gonna lie, Internet: This whole week has been hard. This afternoon has dragggggged on, as most Fridays do, but this one more than usual. I went home for lunch, but that activity has been rendered weird/sad since no little furry head is there to greet me quizzically with his, "What are you doing here during my daytime nap?" look. There's no one so say "bye" to when I go out the garage door to go back to work. It's just not right. I got a gut-punch feeling in my stomach while I was there, and kept thinking I just didn't care about anything, definitely not about going back to my stupid politics-and-secrets office.

And I feel silly saying all this about a dog, especially when I didn't have to do the hard part of being there at the moment. DH is likely suffering more. I know nobody who's ever loved a pet could hold it against me, and that it's normal and he was a family member and all of that stuff. I know it, but I just can't grant myself permission not to feel slightly "get over it" toward myself.

Then we've had extra tantrums from KT, who only had fever for about 12 hours on Tuesday/Wednesday but whose mood has remained crappy. I know she's under stress, too -- she has asked every day, "Where is Polie?" and "Why is Polie in Heaven?" so she's processing it slowly -- but the stupidity surrounding her bedtime (not to mention her waking up time) is just about to kill me dead. Last night my choir practice was cancelled, but the previous night I had declared in ALL CAPS That I was DONE putting her to bed, DONE!! Poor DH replied, rightly, "Don't get mad at me!" So last night, as I was saying, I went out anyway, even though I had nowhere to go. I took a book I felt it was time to revisit -- Parenting with Love and Logic, thank you again for the years-ago recommend, MB -- and do you know what I did? I ran away. From my 4-YEAR-OLD. To A BAR. I had a glass of red wine (okay, two) and sat there in silence for 2 hours and it was nice, but felt wrong. For one thing, I've never gone to a bar by myself. I'm a 37-year-old adult but I felt like I was getting away with something. Or that people would look at me funny. For another thing I felt guilt for leaving DH with a potential tantrum. I pray alot when I do that -- please give him patience, please give him the patience that I never seem to have. I mean, I know us moms have to have our me-time, but still. I just thought it would be easier, after my declaration, if I weren't in the house as even an OPTION for her (since I'm usually not there on Thursday nights anyway). I don't know what I'll do tonight when she begs and pleads for me to put her to bed, not Daddy. I will have to refuse - I can't do it. She uses me up while the Disney Princesses CD plays in the background. (Unless I turn it off when she makes an unwise CHOICE. Like hitting me.)

I love that Love & Logic book but damn if I can perform the antics that it advises. Antics, meaning, "STAY CALM and IN CONTROL," hahahaha, and just use logical consequences and smirk to yourself because you're so much smarter than your 4-year-old. I don't know, Internet, I may not BE smarter than my four-year-old. A lot of times I think she outsmarts me.

It's just too much stress right now, from all sides. The work side and the personal side. I've presented myself as a flake at AJ's school twice this week via fax, because I can't remember which forms are due when, or how much to write the check for.

I did one thing right in all this noise: Yesterday afternoon I made the kids turn off the ever-lovin' TV to help me make dinner (pasta with zucchini, baked in the oven). We pulled up chairs and took turns, and had dance parties while we waited for the oven to heat up, and the pasta to boil. That was fun and good medicine for all of us. (Vegetable Ninjas!)

I hope that a good weekend, a date night with DH and another couple of friends, and The Hunger Games (odd choice for a pick-me-up, I know) will pick me up. I need to get back on the treadmill, back out in the sunshine. Back to normal.

Today

My day so far:

Still grieving/getting used to the loss of Polie...

KT=101.3 fever=home with me...

(working at home?? Probably not)

Had to get food to AJ's school for lunch today, since dog and fever situations prevented it from happening Mon or Tues....

Costco doesn't open until 10...

First Lunch starts at 10:30...ack...!

on the way between Costco and school a cop pulled out behind me, making my heart POUND...

It's 11:00 a.m. And I'm ready for my wine.






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Good boy.

Napoleon (Polie)
1996 - 2012

We will sure miss that face.

It would have been an outdoor picnic, if not for allergies!

Being back in the office after a lovely 5-day Spring Break/Easter weekend is really no fun at all. Good thing my Lenten ban on blogging during work hours has been lifted!

My mind feels quite distanced from the buzz of work, after taking Wednesday through Friday of last week off. I needed it -- we have been straddling ridiculous levels of politics and nonsense at my office (in fact, one coworker is, at this very moment, running up and down the hall behind me, trying to complete a task for the Prez, I guess, but... ugh. annoying AND stressy). I was free to Not Think About it during my days off, and that was a mental break I greatly appreciated. I don't know how much office politics you deal with on a daily basis. I, myself, have never dealt with as much as I'm dealing with now. It's not directly related to my job, thankfully -- it's upper executive level stuff, like Org Charts and Restructuring and who reports to whom, hiring and firings, and why won't they tell us "X," (even though we already know through the grapevine) and "your budget has been frozen," and all kinds of stuff -- really. All going on at the same time, and all without any end in sight.

Never mind your actual work deadlines. Hahahaha. (That program might get cut, anyway. But might not. So do your best! Wheee!)

It makes for draining workdays and the desire for a glass of wine most every night. I typically resist but I probably deserve it.

So during our break, we took trips to the park (AJ rode his bike a full mile! And we're still on training wheels at age 7.5, which is another topic, but I'm proud of him), did errands, ate more than our share of french fries at lunches/dinners out, and on Friday the kids and I braved the Georgia Aquarium with all the rest of Atlanta's living humans. I knew it would be crowded, the last day of many districts' Spring Breaks, but I kept telling myself, "We'll make the best of it. We'll just make the best of it." And I was rewarded with kids who behaved, stayed close, didn't whine (even when it was lunchtime and MY tummy was growling, and we had to wait in epic lines), and were just really, truly cooperative. They didn't even go for the most expensive items in the Gift Shop, but were content with a 3D bookmark (AJ) and a little fish-shaped keychain (KT). I think it was a day that they'll remember fondly, and I will, too. I was proud of myself for going alone; I would have liked to experience it together with DH (he was working that day), but honestly I don't think he would have had as much fun because of the crowds. Is not a big fan. And I really wanted to go during Spring Break, so I had to make it happen.

Unfortunately, we have also had another situation brewing. Our dog has not been well. In fact, he's been in the hospital now for 5 full days and nights, and we don't know what's going to happen next. It's been hard to continue to put on the "vacation" face for the kids while we know a decision could be imminent. And we also want to give their first experience of old age/pet death the dignity and life-lesson attention it deserves. I'm waiting for a call from DH with an update. The dog is 15 and a half, and the end has loomed now for at least a year, as his eyesight has gone, and his hearing, and his arthritic hips have made it hard for him to navigate our house. This new issue (vestibular disease, if you're interested) has brought extra difficulty. The problem is, he doesn't seem to be in pain at the moment (we saw him Saturday), he just can't walk. I know that if an animal his age can't do his business on his own - and he can't right now - it's probably time, but oh, it's hard to say that it's time.

Updated to add: in case anyone Googles vestibular disease and happens upon this page, the doctors said he must have also had something else going on because he wasn't responding to the antibiotics, and vestibular disease usually is treatable. They speculate a mild stroke or a tumor.

On the bright side, my house is clean, our taxes are filed, and laundry is done. We had a really nice Easter Sunday, with plenty of candy, thumbs-up on the baskets, an easy church (and parking) experience including the Hallelujah chorus, and lunch at a restaurant with no wait. Oh, and we had a floor picnic of BLTs and deviled eggs for supper. :)

What's been going on with you?

Thoughts, mostly on churchy things

I've started and stopped posts a few times over the course of this month, but never have gone back to finish them. (It turns out I may never write a blog post at home again, I guess. I keep waiting for inspiration to strike in the evening hours, but... nothing. So Lent has meant a full abstinence from blogging, which wasn't the intent -- the intent was to use my work-time more productively.) But it's Monday morning and I never want to just gear up and get to work on Monday. I prefer to eeeeeeease myself into it with some online news reading, some Facebooking, and today, a little blog posting.

Yesterday I hiked up Kennesaw Mountain. All the way to the top, and all by myself. It was a pretty day, and I dropped AJ off at his First Communion workshop at church, and found myself with 2 hours to kill. The mountain is right around the corner so off I went. I had worn good shoes on purpose. The park was FULL of hikers and walkers and picnickers, and it was the perfect day. I am so glad I did it, even though my glutes wanted to kill me, and will probably want to kill me even more by tomorrow! I do love a good walk in the woods, though. It was a long workout AND a mental treat.

This week my manager is out of town, and since I'm the only other team member, I'm hoping things will be relatively quiet at work. (Ha, ha. Doubt it.) And then next week is AJ's Spring Break, for which I have Wed, Th, and Friday off. Hooray!

Of course, a chorister never has Holy Week off, and I'm not really looking forward to all of those committments. I've never made the DH or kids attend any Holy Week services, but I'm thinking this year they should all go to Holy Thursday Mass. They won't like that. I get so much pushback about going to Mass and especially when it's a non-Sunday event. I suppose that's normal for kids. I wish it were more fun for them. Speaking of fun at Mass, at AJ's workshop yesterday, the kids got to taste the bread and wine. You should have seen their faces! Haha! Most of them winced about the wine, but later AJ told me it was the bread that tasted the worst. Like paper, he said, and asked 20 minutes later if he could have some water to wash the taste out of his mouth. "You'll get used to it," I said.

When I was a new communicant (i.e., a kid), I remember I liked to go to different parishes and see what their bread tasted like. ;) I remember when we moved from Texas to Florida, it was a whole new kind of hosts and took a long time to get used to. I hope First Communion will be special for AJ but I'm not trying to push a lot of theology on him. I think part of the reason it works to have 1st Communion at this age, is that it's just simple. They don't need to understand everything about it yet, they just need to be open to it. It's hard to resist telling him all the things I think he should know, and I have let myself babble a few times when we've worked on the at-home lessons, about how it's a gift, and how Jesus wants to be with us, and how we all share in the meal together... and then I try to shut myself up.

It's sweet and somewhat satisfying to watch a child's faith take root in the traditional order, same as it was when I was young. It is also a comfort to send them to Catholic school (or CCD, I imagine, would feel equally comforting), because you know they're getting the catechesis that isn't so easy to just bring up at home in everyday conversation.

Two possibilities

Sometimes when I feel really moody/grouchy, like no one really likes me, and I'm feeling still fat from pregnancies 4 and 8 years ago, and I hate my neighbors, and I don't have the right clothes/shoes, and my kids are monsters, and I hate my job, and 'a day like this is not how my life was supposed to turn out' and and and... I start to wonder if it isn't the Devil himself, using his tools, despair and hatred, to bring me to his terrible dark side. I know that sounds WAY over the top, but what else can it be when those feelings are so far out of the realm of Truth? The Truth says that my life is blessed beyond measure. The Truth is that God loves me and has shown me that in numerous ways! Loving husband! Excellent children! Enough money. Enough food to eat! Plus Friends! Talents! How else, then, could I ever have such dark, awful feelings?

Of course, rational people don't normally talk about the Devil. (Even though rational people are allowed to talk about God.) I don't know. To say that Despair and Hatred are tools of the Devil makes an awful lot of sense to me.

But then, to write those feelings off as "not of myself," but of the Evil one, is much too easy. I get off scott-free if I blame him. Although I WOULD like to blame him. So then I think, well, I am weak. I have been sorely tempted to feel those things, and I have given in! I have wallowed, even. Nearing closer and closer to the dark side. (Ohhh, the Catholic conscience. Sheesh.)

So that's when I pray for strength to NOT BE TEMPTED. Or... for forgiveness. Is feeling depressed/moody/grouchy sinful? I don't know. I don't WANT that to be true, for me or for others who have much worse bouts of depression. It seems extreme. I am pretty sure there are some biochemicals involved, as well. But at least for me, sometimes, I think it is sinful. Giving in to Despair means rejecting Joy, and rejecting God and His love. (I guess... Gosh, could it get any worse? Feeling bad about feeling bad??)

On a smaller scale, it's part of what I'm working on this Lent. Fighting the dark side with a small LOL in brackets. Putting Good Thoughts out into the world and rejecting the mean ones, even just with my co-workers : There are some who drive me crazy. CRAZY. When I see them coming, my mind automatically goes "BLEH, there comes Crazy Suzy. SO annoying, I hate how XX she is." I don't say  mean things, mind you. I'm trying to fight that (hatred/despair) thought-response and instead think, "[record scratch] ...Crazy Suzy is a mom like me; she's trying her best today to get it all done." or "Crazy Suzy deserves for me to be kind to her."

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Other times when I'm moody, I realize I haven't exercised in several days and I could really use an endorphin boost. Because, truly, if there's one thing I've learned in the last year, it's that exercise helps balance my outlook, and if I don't get enough of it, that's when I get grouchy and stressed. (And mean! Watch out, husband; watch out, coworkers!)


It's hard to tell which of these two things it really is.

Whew. Scheduling.

I've been in a scheduling tizzy for 2 or 3 days since February is when you have to start planning Spring Break and summer camp activities, for the love. February! Thank goodness we had that extra day this year or I might not have managed it. I was bitten by the summer camp bug because a friend -- a real live friend, a school mom that I like and have even been to her house a couple of times and she to mine, so it's like, really real friends! ;)... mentioned that she was looking at Camp Sunshine and was anyone else interested in looking with her? So I jumped. Clicked right through to that Camp Sunshine website. I have been thinking that AJ, being 7 now, might be looking for a little more variety in his summertime schedule, rather than the same old, same old daycare "summercamp" he has now attended 3 times.

When I mentioned this to him, of course, he said, "But I'll be a SENIOR camper this year!" hahaha. Color me wrong, then, I guess he thinks that Senior daycare camp is a lot different from Junior daycare camp, which... I doubt it. But anyway...

So Camp Sunshine (not its real name) is about an hour away, has a good organization behind it, good outdoor adventuring and other values that it teaches, and has archery. The archery is what AJ is interested in. These are the things I learned in the 30 minutes I spent peeking at their website during work hours on Monday (Lent promises didn't include random web surfing!). And the cost seemed QUITE reasonable. I mean, I don't know what I was expecting, but less than $700 for a week sounds like a bargain to me, actually, for a sleepaway summercamp. No idea why, it isn't like I've done a lot of research.

My friend and I wanted to be sure that our boys get in on the same week, and in the same cabin, so we've been back and forth, meanwhile trying to convince the boys that they do really want to try it, and convince our husbands that the kids can handle it (both dads are a bit more hesitant than us moms, which I find sweet/odd)... and I've felt a little panicky about it.

But today, we decided on a week, and I got AJ registered and and my $100 deposit paid. Whew.

THEN at dinner, when KT was telling us about ballet, which she has on Thursdays, I remembered about her spring recital. Her very FIRST ballet recital.

DOOM.

If we go forward with the camp, AJ leaves on Sunday, June 3rd, and I was convinced that the recital was the same day. Seems logical, a kids' recital on a Sunday afternoon. I was absolutely crestfallen, thinking we'd have to split up the duties, and I take AJ to camp since it was my idea (can't just let him ride with a friend for his FIRST TIME) while DH watched KT in her FIRST TIME on a stage, without me. OMG, can you imagine?? I mean, sure there's HD video but OMG. Not to mention sweet big brother, asking if we would please take video so he could watch the recital after he returned from [this new] camp [that Mommy seems really excited about but I'm still not quite sure...]. Heartbreak!

I guess I worried it enough to make it better, because after I came home from choir rehearsal I looked up my paperwork for ballet, and the recital is actually on Saturday, June 2, THANK THE LORD ABOVE.

Really, having panic attacks about my JUNE schedule right now?! A little much. (Not to even mention the fact that I think my baby is old enough to go away to sleepaway camp for a week... don't I? Isn't he? Eek.)