I'm feeling things again, spiritually. Throughout this pregnancy, and even before then, I guess, I've felt like I had this dark hallway in my heart that nothing was getting through. Not depression, not sadness, just a flatline of emotion, especially concerning faith and matters of spirit. Oh, I've gone to church; I've prayed here and there. But nothing real, nothing genuine seemed to stay at the forefront.
Of course, we were so busy. For so long. And I let that stress really take over my thoughts and push out the clean breath of knowing how small I am, knowing how good God is, and living for that every day. Instead I lived for details and schedules and had nearly forgotten to look up at the sky once in a while, and take that clean breath.
Lately I can feel my heart coming back. I wonder if it's the nearness of new life, the impending birth of a new baby, and my inner self instinctively knowing that it's about to be washed - baptised again - by love and hope for her?
I find things are moving me that haven't, in a year: A song on the radio this morning, one that has been released a long while, and I've heard but never really tuned into, reached me today and got me teary. (It prays that God will "Cover up my heart,/ cover up my soul,/ cover up my life/ and everything I know/... and I felt the words exactly when I heard it today.) Last night in bed my hands and fingers throbbed, and while my first thought was, "Gawd, why me? Why this? It HURTS..." my second thought was, "Wait, be still and grateful -- this pain is a gift. The gift of a life that we get to have and hold and be responsible for. God? I'd rather be thankful for this privilege."
6 comments:
I love that song! I'm not a huge Bebo Norman fan, but that song speaks to me every time. Of course, Husband sings it for retreats and what not, so I imagine him singing it and maybe that helps. :)
Oh my, you totally made me tear up. Thanks for the perspective reminder, definitely needed that.
Agreed. Definitely needed that. I feel the lack of spirituality right now. I wake up and want to feel peaceful, but I think I have to do more to get there. I have to do more praying, meditating, deep breathing, going to church, reading the right things. I must do this!
My pregnancies always have that effect on me...like a bonus that God gives you..with every new baby comes the opportunity to grow closer to Him. Its a good feeling!
wow, so glad I read that ...
A beautiful post. Yep, you are changing (again). This post makes me remember my pregnancy -- I did sort of "hunker down" and concentrated soley on the business of growing a baby.
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