Things feel a little out of control. We're back to school, the first full week, and they're throwing us all the way in, right away. There were/are parent-teacher meetings Tuesday and Thursday nights, plus the Cub Scouts kick-off tonight, and already there's homework and lunches to make every day, since Fun Food doesn't start until next week. I dread those long, every-day lunchbox weeks.
Alex is handling it pretty well so far. He's excited to have color-coded his schedule and his 5th-grade binder. He has a lot of work to do to learn "responsible" and "organized," but he's beginning the work. He wants to be successful.
And not to compare the two kids, who are obviously at different stages of independence and development, but Kate is handling it... less well. Six is difficult. Kate is six. I worry she isn't getting enough sleep. She still requires me to sit with her while she takes a bath, falls asleep, and this morning she wanted me to sit with her while she got dressed. (I've read that this is pretty normal for her age, but it's tiring.) This morning. This morning was difficult. She's been doing better with waking, but not today. I hate the morning rush. I hate that I feel such a need to be punctual to my job. I should not care. (On the other hand, this is how the world works. Punctuality is a good trait to have and teach.) However, maybe I should help her as much as she needs, and THEN get myself ready to go. That might have to be this year's adjustment. But then there's the need to teach them independence, too. How to do that, while being helpful and secure for them at the same time? I just don't know. Everything is one huge contradiction, and kind-of on repeat.
Wait, I can't let Alex totally off the hook, because over the weekend HIS behavior had us absolutely baffled, too. He gets bored, I guess, or frustrated, and he flails around, unable to control his movements. I'm serious. And if Kate pisses him off, watch out. He'll go right up to her and punch... the couch cushion, an inch away from her leg or something. Repeatedly. Or he'll just walk around SIGHING. Or, he gets self-deprecating in the extreme. If he's gotten in trouble for pushing his sister earlier in the day, then the next time we look at him with a raised eyebrow it's, "I mess up EVERYTHING" and "I should just go in my room for the rest of the WEEKEND. That's what I'll do, I deserve to."
I realized something yesterday: I'm feeling very untethered at work right now, and that's adding to the stress at home. Aside from the drama, there's also some transition going on and it's left me on my own to handle things. My former mgr. is no longer my mgr. We no longer have our weekly meetings where she used to keep me in the loop on the politics. Meanwhile, I see her having weekly meetings with other, less senior coworkers. My next/subsequent mgr. is also now "former," and her successor is only contract/part-time. My European counterpart has left the company, and her temporary replacement was just on a European (read: 3-week) vacation. And on and on.
So yeah. I feel like I don't have any insight, or anyone leading me. I realized I'm a doer, not a leader. Which is fine and good. The world needs doers. But I've started wishing I'd be "reorg'd" out. I could deal with some severance pay for a month or two, that wouldn't be so bad. This thought seems... unhealthy.
I mean, overall everything is fine, great. I read this, after all. I know to be grateful. But also, there's been a full moon, have you seen it?
2 comments:
The times when you feel you aren't at your parenting best or at your work best -- those are not fun. I just want to go eat some pizza and read, but I have this worry that it's really not okay for Madison to go to bed at 11 the night before the first night before school, and I really should figure out that little item in quickbooks that isn't right, and are things going to fall apart if D doesn't get the next script written next week -- which obviously isn't going to happen -- and is there anything I need to be doing about that, and can I really wait and do all the work next week that I need to do, and am I just signing Madison up for dance because I'm trying to meet some standard set by someone I don't care about, and I'm dreading the morning rush next week, and ... those are a few things running through my mind. Your work sounds pretty awful right now. You may be a doer -- not a leader -- or you may just be in a situation that requires some leadership and you are not in a position to give it, if that makes sense. Or there may be some things you are great at leading and other things you are not. OK, I'll get back to work. For the next 10 minutes. Then I'm eating some pizza.
Hang in there, Lee!
Transitions are hard. Alex's attitude probably is linked to the start of school. We start school on Thursday, and Sophie has been so surly the last few days. It is driving my husband nuts. You and the kids will get into the groove of the school routine soon enough.
On the issue of support vs. independence with Katie getting ready for school. We have found that with Peter independence works best as long as he is not too tired...but we have to bribe him with earning tokens that he can redeem for Pokemon cards to get it to happen.
Sound like your current work situation just sucks. Leaving someone essentially without a manager during such a transition is just bad management. But on the bright side, it indicates that they have confidence in your abilities and work ethic/ focus. I think wishing a bit that you are "reorg'd" out is normal, perhaps only concerning due to the new house note. About 9 months before I started working as a freelancer, my manager called me into his office to let me know that elimination of my position had been discussed. I had survived a round of budget cuts but would likely not survive if another round of cuts was necessary. I was relieved! It would have been a kick in the butt to start freelancing and with unemployment pay for a while (Ultimately the cuts did not happen, and I had to get up the nerve to make the change myself months later).
Hope this week is better.
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