I don't want to get too personal about my own interior spiritual life on here, but I can tell you that the last several months, I have felt pretty off-kilter, and "what does it all mean," and "why do we even bother," and other despairing things. I wonder sometimes if my religious tradition is one gigantic sham, based on the various difficulties and news stories and politically-charged tweets and historical novels I read about it. Sorry, Mom, but that's what I wonder. And I believe that God gave us minds to think with and that it's okay to wonder such things, but then where does that leave me in the way of comforting faith? It's a circular story that I can't enter or exit with any definitives, right now.
So. I said I wouldn't get into it. But I just want to record here that, every week (or every week that we make it to Sunday night Life Teen Mass), when they sing their heartfelt, usually-written-by-Protestants (which I mention because I think it's significant), contemporary Christian songs for the Communion procession, I end up leaking tears (good ones). Something nudges me every time, reminding me that I'm not unheard. Making me feel, instead of think.
Kate looks my way every time, too, and whispers, "What's wrong?" I know it puzzles her. And probably embarasses her. It embarasses me. But it's something real that happens that I can't control. And so I keep thinking, keep trying, keep going.
5 comments:
Sending you internet hugs. I 100% understand how you are feeling, and it's hard and confusing and lonely. I hope you (we) find our way through.
Thank you, friend. <3
I am in this exact same spot and have been for quite some time. I'm thankful for this church Madison and I are attending that seems mostly accepting of wherever you are, although I feel as if I sing many of the hymns with a wrinkled (confused/disbelieving) brow.
Do you really think I don't have doubts sometimes too? Then we have to talk.
LOL ya-ya, of course I know everyone has doubts and struggles. :) Love you.
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