I had a realization in 2023 that it was the last summer I needed to worry or feel guilty about not being around for lazy days, for ice cream runs, for swimming pools, for driving kids to and from activities. THIS summer, 2024, both kids can drive themselves! My motherhood-long problem with summer is finally solved!
Except... not fully.
Alex is home from UGA, and so far, does not have a summer job. He has applied at a few little places. He has not done much follow-up. And so, he's been home a fair amount. Last week/weekend, both his girlfriend and his best friend were out of town. He was bored and a bit restless, although he did go to the gym a few times, and read a book or two.
But I felt GUILTY on the days that I had to come to my office and leave him at home with the cats.
Is it my fault that he doesn't have a job? No. Is it my job to entertain him, a nearly-20-year-old? Also no. Do I feel bad about it anyway? Of course I do. I imagine him feeling abandoned, like, "I come home and they just keep going on with their lives, like I don't even matter anymore." Which, I know, is melodramatic and verrrrry far-fetched.
Kate has a lot of friends nearby with pools from which to choose, and a car to drive herself there, and yet I still feel like I "SHOULD" take days off and go shopping with her/them (with Alex too, for that matter; he especially needs new clothes), or, that I'd be a better mom if we could lay by the pool together, sipping from our insulated cups. This is patently ridiculous - we shop enough, lord knows, online. And any teen could confirm, she wouldn't really want me at the pool with her and her friends (the horror)! But I still feel that WISH for things to be different than they are. Why?! Is it because so many of my mom-friends seem to be teachers, or run their own businesses and thus, can have pool days whenever they want? Is it just my innate laziness, wishing to be a lady of leisure? Don't we all? I wish I knew, or more precisely, I wish I could make those desires go away and just accept How It IS.
Anyway: I still hate summer, although thankfully the super-hot temperatures that contribute to my negative feelings about the season have not quite yet arrived.
I don't want to end on that, however. We're dropping Kate off at camp this weekend, so I know she'll be having fun for the next 2 weeks -- though this year, as a 16-year-old, I think she'll miss home (her friends) moreso than any other year. And we're celebrating my birthday next week -- my BIG birthday! I'm doing a lot of introspective things lately, feeling good and at peace about the milestone of 50. I'm hopeful and trusting that 50 is going to be a good year.
I'm grateful, grateful, grateful, and my birthday is also part of summer, so I should focus on that instead. :)
5 comments:
FIFTY!!!!! Lee, what a fantastic milestone. Happy early birthday!!!!!
That said, some things never change and apparently Mom Guilt is one of them. Sigh. Your entire description of feeling guilty is SO relatable.
Thank you for the bday wishes! xo
I have to laugh, because I also, apparently, will never be a good enough Mom, in my head. I got off the phone with my Mom a couple of hours ago, and she was fairly upset that Madison has gotten a 40-hours-a-week internship at the hospital that is lasting the entire summer. I agree -- it is not ideal -- and I ended the call feeling that I had failed because I should have discouraged Madison from doing that and gotten her to just waste some time this summer. But Madison does not know how to waste time. She would have been miserable without a full schedule this summer. I do wish the hours weren't so much, however. Oh, the guilt.
Yes, happy early birthday! I'm 55, and I have really enjoyed the 50s, even though Darryl's struggles with depression the past two years have been pretty awful. But I am thankful to be dealing with it in my current state of mind rather than in a younger state of mind.
That’s so impressive, Madison’s internship! She’ll love it. And thank YOU for the bday wish, also! Xo
Happy Birthday!
Hope Alex finds something soon. Sophie stayed at home for a month summer job hunting because she didn't want to go back to last summer's job. She was hired by Dunkin Donuts week before last but is STILL waiting to be scheduled for her first shift. She moved back to her apartment last Wednesday because the job is a few blocks from there and she had a orientation on Thursday. So frustrating.
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