Fighting nature

This is not going to be a guilt-filled post about how terrible I feel for trying to discipline my 3.5-year-old. This age can be willful and disrespectful, and I have been trying to remember that it's just a phase. Overwhelmingly, I think, "I love that little girl SO MUCH." But right now living with her is just so exhausting. I can't think straight when she blatantly tells me "No" for the forty-fifth time, or kicks me or throws things or screams in my face. I have no creativity reserves at the crack of dawn, nor at the end of a long day, and no ideas on how to solve these problems in meaningful ways. I try to give choices and consequences. I resort to time-outs (which don't actually work, imho), or taking privileges away, which only makes her scream more loudly. I can send her to her room, but she either refuses and tantrums, or just comes back out. I distinctly remember not having any solution for that problem the first time around. Her Daddy sometimes has good luck removing her from the situation,calming her down and talking her through it, but those tactics don't seem to work for me.

Last night she was particularly awful to me, and I just honestly didn't want to be with her.

I think of all the moms and dads in the world a lot, lately, and how we all have to fight battles like these. I pray for them sometimes, people I don't know, especially the moms, and their independence-testing little ones. This job can be so, so hard.

I'm okay. And she's okay. I'm not sad today or feeling despicable. But I am tired of the fighting. I really can't wait for the hard parts to pass, and I can only hope that some of the love and attempted calm is getting through to her.

Checkbook... Games

I did need to vent my frustrations last week, but I have since taken down the post about money. No need to dwell on the gory details, nor share them with the world. Plus, while Doing the Bills last night I got especially reflective and grateful. Every little penny that I was sending out convincted me, whether it was going to pay for the luxury of on-demand hot water, or the fun of 3-year-old ballet lessons, or the blessing of someone to come and take our garbage away every Friday. Even writing checks for medical expenses made me feel full with everything I need.


How does your household handle the bills? Does one person own the task or do you share it? We try to switch off, so that one person handles them one month, and then it's the other's turn. We pay most things online through our bank, but still write a check here or there and -- get this -- still keep a paper check register along WITH our Quicken file. I guess it makes us feel in control? Or gives us a backup in case of a computer apocalypse? It's a pain, really, but I can't imagine not keeping it. (My greatest challenge is to keep my handwriting neat enough that it can be read!) We both "turn in" our daily debit receipts to the central billing location, and then once a week the person who's managing bills that month sits down to enter everything in, and pay what's due. I think it's a good system because neither of us is in the dark, but I'm interested in hearing how other families do it. Last night I told myself I could have a glass of wine ONLY when I sat down at the computer. It worked. :)


In related news, do you think our generation will even get to retire? I have serious doubts.


Okay, moving on: The Hunger Games, people. Requisite disclaimer: I'm the last person on earth. But I can't believe how fast I read this book, and how the characters have infiltrated my mind. I find myself thinking "Katniss Everdeen" all the time -- just her name. It's so pretty, surprisingly so. All the names, really, intrigue me. And I picture her shooting something with her bow and arrow, and think of little Rue and how I imgined her... then yesterday Twitter was talking about the movie trailer, so I had to go watch it, and WOW. The mood is exactly how I've been feeling. Despondent, kind-of, that such Games could possibly exist (even just in the author's mind) and that the Capitol could DARE to wish those poor kids favorable odds. But utterly fascinated at the idea of Panem. It is CRAZY. I bought Catching Fire immediately.

She even stayed in it, the first night...

We checked a few things off our list, including this one:

Most important, I approve of the mattress' comfort level. Since I'll end up sleeping in it frequently, I bet. ;) I've done no decorating around it, but as soon as I get an idea, I'll let you know. 

The Rapunzel sheets/comforter set, I have to admit, is pretty cute.

Justifiable

I really was/am sick! It's weird how GOOD that makes me feel -- like all my "being so tired" and "not wanting to DO anything" and "just feeling cruddy" don't actually need the quotation marks, they were real, and I AM ALLOWED. The doctor said so! She gave me 3 prescriptions to prove it. I am hopeful that after the past 10 days of this, we will be on the uptick soon! I already feel better today after one dose, but not completely better, which, again, makes me feel good and JUSTIFIED.

Here are some things I need to buy this weekend. I have been putting them off for various reasons, but we're about to reach the tipping point on some of them.

• KT's new bed. Still.
• New uniforms for my high-waters-wearin' AJ (hooray, he's growing!).
• Haircuts for both kids.
• Bulk food for my school-volunteer postion at Costco. Have I explained this? I was basically handed this job, and told that it would be SO EASY. Every 2 weeks, I go to Costco to buy 360 snack-packs of Oreos, 480 string cheeses (an entire case from the refigerated section), and plates/napkins/bowls/lunchbags for the school cafeteria. (It's not a working cafeteria, but the parents bring in food 3 days a week from various local eateries, which the kids can purchase). It's an interesting exercise, pushing around a big, orange pallet instead of a grocery cart, and I never fail to get comments as I go by with my 30 boxes of Oreos. People seem to forget that Costco is made for BULK purchases, it is not just your general supermarket. I'm trying to come up with clever retorts for "Whoa, that's a lot of Oreos!"
• Yeah, just trying to prevent people like you from getting too much trans-fat.
• We make a lot of "dirt cakes" at our house; I'm headed for the gummy worms aisle, next.
• This isn't a lot. You should see my storage facility back at the commune.
• Ever heard of hoarding, mister?? It's a disease, you should probably pray for me.

My manager just stared at my screen for 5 full minutes

... we were in a different browser Tab, but this one was up, with its "BLOGGER: hello, self!" title glaring at us. So oh well, she probably knows where to find me now. Not that I mind -- hello, $h@n (just in case)! I've told her I keep a blog, but I've never actually handed her the URL.

Happy Friday, people! It's been an "off" week, with Halloween on Monday night, hasn't it? Or was that just me? I don't know, I've felt like I'm tripping over my feet every day, not really remembering AJ's homework assignments and which days they're due, not having my usual lunchtime errands for birthday parties or volunteer-school-activities, and being out Monday night made the rest of the 4 days seem unplanned. Or something. I've also been s...l...o...w...l...y getting sick, which has been ANNOYING. Monday night after the candy madness, I got a really weird case of the shivers. I did hang out in the 50-degree temperatures for 2 hours-ish passing out candy and trick or treating, but the shivers happened after we came in and I'd been under my blankie for another hour. When we went upstairs to bed, I got the shakes and could. not. stop. It made brushing my teeth difficult. My lips looked gray/blue in the mirror. After DH did his best to hug them out of me, I bundled up and got into bed, slept well and very warm. The same thing happened on Tuesday night, but not quite so dramatically; I was just cold. Wednesday I felt mostly better. Thursday (yesterday) I had a headache. And last night and this morning, my throat has been sporting that tell-tale, pinpoint place of sore, where it hurts to swallow. I'd rather just have an all-out SICK DAY and call it done. This dragggggging on is driving me crazy (mostly because I'm not sick enough to just REST, I still have to DO STUFF)!

Bleh. It SURE makes for an interesting blog post, doesn't it?! Don't answer that.

When I went shopping with KT a few weeks ago, I let her/us buy a little bag of peach gummy rings as a treat. You know, they're made by the Jelly Belly company, and are orange and white with a sugar coating? They're so delicious and artificial-peachy. I haven't been able to get the taste out of my mind since then. They KEEP popping up in my memory! I wouldn't say they're my favorite candy, either -- just one that made a particular impression on me that day, I guess. My FAVORITE fruity candy is probably Jolly Ranchers, which I rarely buy, followed by original Skittles and Charms Blow-Pops. At work, we recently discovered some hard candies by Crystal Light, so they're sugar-free. I approve of those, too. It's fun having different kinds of candy in the house this week, I have to say -- normally we only keep M&Ms on-hand (old habit from the potty-training days, I guess, and for emergency chocolate needs). But the candy buckets are disappearing after this weekend.

I finally read The Namesake by Jumpha Lahiri, that Sherry lent me about THREE years ago. (I'm done now, Sherry!) It was quite good. I enjoy books where the main characters grow from children into adults, and this book did that in such a way it made me think about my own life cycle, and that death is part of that, and it's okay, and life goes on, and all those deep things. It's about a family of American immigrants from India and of course the colorful culture made it that much more interesting, but I think the story was really about family relationships and the timespan was exactly my lifespan (so far) -- I had the feeling that the main character was 37, just like me, at the end of the book -- and I liked that. I also enjoyed that it had a lot to do with his name, and his nickname, because I think that's such an important aspect of people's identities. Apparently it's even moreso in Indian families. The only other feeling I had of the book was that it was slightly sad, or maybe just grey. I think this was the main character's mood the majority of the book, actually. So if you need a lift, this may not be the book for you, but if you want something interesting and life-mirroring, then I recommend it.

It's hard to review books, isn't it? I know Swistle always says, "I liked it, but I didn't like it, and I recommend it, but I also DON'T." I'm feeling that very same thing right now. Next on my list is THE HUNGER GAMES, hooray!! Perhaps I'll recover from this stupid cold this weekend, in my bed, reading.

Prescription filled

I did it. I took the day off yesterday. It was so simple. So full, of time, and breath, and quiet and nothing. I felt 9:00 am, outdoors. It's delicous. I took a walk. I stretched afterwards. I did the grocery shopping, without a list. Felt dangerous. But mostly comforting to fill the family's pantry once again. I had lunch with two girlfriends I hadn't seen in 7 years, at a bakery. I ate dessert. I went to the park and read my book for MORE THAN AN HOUR, uninterrupted, except to breathe in the sunshine and fallen leaves, and to brush little green aphids off the page. That's it. That's all I did.

It was an enormous gift, that simple day. Enormous.

Bed Time

WELL. It's high time to move that video down the page, so I suppose I can think of something else to write about.

Think....

Think...

Ermmmm....

This is not going so well, is it? Of course I'm scattered because of the lack of sleep... two nights in a row, there's been an interloper in my bed. Gosh, I love that girl, but she's killing me softly. It'd be fine if she just came in and went to sleep, but she comes in and wants to chit-chat.

Last night it was [stage whisper] "Mommy! Help me find my CHAPTER BOOK." I had given her one at bedtime, because she was requesting a Chapter Book. "Like AJ's," she specified, "No pictures." I tried handing her an old copy of  "Little House on the Prairie" -- refused. Picutres. I tried a paperback "Nate the Great" from AJ's bookshelf. Refused. So you know what I gave her? Salman Rushdie. "Haroun and the Sea of Stories." (Which is excellent, if you've never read it.) She was satisfied with that one and went to bed with it.

Evidently, it walked off sometime before 4:00 am.

We suspect the solution could be so simple, in getting her a new big girl bed and pretty new covers that she'll adore (I'm leaning toward a full-size, even though in her tiny bedroom, she really needs a lofted bed in order to preserve any sort of play-space). It feels like in order to get a new bed, we'll have to immediately redecorate the whole room. I want an armoire, new bookshelves, new toy storage... But I know I should just get the bed. At least then if she needs someone to sleep with, there will be room for two people in her own bed, or an empty bed for me to retreat into if when she takes over mine.

I've tried to look at furniture online, but I end up looking at Pottery Barn Kids photos, when I should be looking at plain mattress photos. And I'd love to create a room from shabby-chic and DIY and antiqued pieces that I spruce up with my own creativity and spray paint, but... I get stifled and discouraged by the idea of doing it all at once, which would be pretty impossible. But maybe if I just start with a mattress/box springs, and a comforter from the french boutique, Target, I can take the decor part a little more slowly.

So perhaps this first task will be prioritized here in the next few days. Like, perhaps tomorrow. Mom, I think you and I will be making a stop at the local mattress store during our Saturday shopping.

For Cayt, and for being a follower! The Silly Accent Vlog

Aaaaaccccckkk! Embarrassing! But I totally did want to do this, depsite my protestations yesterday. Hi, Mom, here is my accent! The first one of these I watched last Friday was Jonniker's, and then I went into a time-warp and watched about 15 of them, some from bloggers I don't even know. So interesting! Amusing! Anyway, I thank Cayt for prodding me one time, because it was all I needed to satisfy the need to film myself (?!! why?). Hee hee.



Here are the instructions:

Say the following words: Aunt, route, wash, oil, theatre, iron, salmon, caramel, fire, water, sure, data, ruin, crayon, toilet, New Orleans, pecan, both, again, probably, spitting image, Alabama, lawyer, coupon, mayonnaise, syrup, pajamas, caught

And answer these questions:
What is it called when you throw toilet paper on a house?
What is the bug that curls into a ball when you touch it?
What is the bubbly carbonated drink called?
What do you call gym shoes?
What do you say to address a group of people?
What do you call the kind of spider that has an oval-shaped body and extremely long legs?
What do you call your grandparents?
What do you call the wheeled contraption in which you carry groceries at the supermarket?
What do you call it when rain falls while the sun is shining?
What is the thing you use to change the TV channel?

p.s. I forgot "ruin." But I say, "roo-in," not "run," as some of my friends do. I actually love when I hear an authentic, "ruint." I even have a Mississsippi friend who jokes and says, "rur-nt." HAAAAA!

p.s.s. I don't say, "see-rup," what was I thinking? I realized after watching this a few times, and going BACK to re-watch Arwen's, again (and others' too... obsessed much???), that I had told HER in her comments, that I couldn't IMAGINE saying "see-rup," that "suh-rup" was the ONLY WAY. So I'm feeling the need to atone for and apologize for this grave mistake.

Monday the 17th

I enjoyed all the Accent Vlogs last week! I feel like I'd be presumptious to do one, myself, considering that a good portion of my readership knows me IRL. Heh. "Hey, Mom, here's what my accent sounds like." Plus, living in the South, it's pretty clear that I'll say "cokes" and "y'all." I might surprise you with "pajamas," though. (Short "a" jammies, but "ah" for pajamas. I can't reconcile the two.)

Yatt is telling me about her trip to Urgent Care last week (Friday), after she had spent the day hacking up a lung just on the other side of my cube wall. She evidently had infected tonsils and a fever of 101. Awesome. Where is my hand sanitizer? Every time she coughed last week, I squirted my hands. I wasn't having direct contact with her hands, and I know hand gel can't stop the contagions from flying around through the cube walls into my AIR, but... instinct, I guess. I should have remembered the Lysol spray this morning.

Our weekend was deliciously calm. Both days, we emplyed Divide and Conquer -- AJ and DH to jiu jitsu, and KT and I to Bed Bath and Beyond. (I shopped! For fun, decorative stuff!) In the afternoon, the kids played with the neighbors outside while DH mowed, and I vacuumed inside. I didn't mind! I was GLAD to get the house cleaned up! No one was whining for me to hold them or play with them! Then the babysitter came over, and DH and I went to a new (to us) restaurant, and to see The Help. What a movie. Loved it. It was as good as the book, no question. The casting was brilliant. Sunday was Mass, then the boys went to watch a football game and KT had a birthday party to attend. Afterwards, she crashed on the couch and I got to READ! And do 25 minutes of exercise, which was lovely!

So, another Monday begins this busy workweek. I'm so excited to see my parents on Thursday -- they're coming in to help us with AJ's "fall break," which isn't billed as such but is a 4-day weekend for the students. Us parents are held hostage by having to attend Parent-Teacher Conferences on Friday. There are guests in the office today (ugh) and I have lots of errands to do on lunch breaks. I'm thankful for:

• Time to tend our home, and space to let the kids run.
• A cartful (not a buggy) of groceries last night at 9:30, even though I wish I could cut down on the cost (coupons?).
• Joy in our singing at Mass yesterday, despite some fun(ny) drama!
• Time with my husband Saturday night, just to sit near each other and share an appetizer, and be.
• A delicious cup of coffee. Well, okay, 3 cups. :)

Notes from an Introvert Mom

• Am I the only one who hates Halloween costume parties? Bleeerrrggg. I mean, seriously, I WINCE at the thought of dressing up and then having to also make polite conversation with people. (I am hoping for some rah-rah enthusiasm from all of you other Internet-shy-introverted-and hate to make phone calls types.) It's weird because I was such a theater-nerd in high school -- I LIVED to dress up and play a character. But... no more. I've got invitations to two "Costumes Required" parties, both on the same night, unfortunately; they are people I would like to socialize with, but *whiiiiiine* not wearing extra eye-liner and wrinkled polyester! What to do...? If you DO like dressing up, what was your very best costume idea as an adult?
• We had KT's first Parent-Teacher Conference this morning. (Three year old preschool!) We haven't loved her teacher thus far -- she has NOT seemed as warm and loving as some of the previous teachers we've loved, although I've been somewhat willing to give her the benefit of the doubt, seeing as how she SPENDS HER ENTIRE DAY WITH FIFTEEN 3-Year-olds. Perhaps I would not be all sunshine and rainbows at the end of those days (or the beginning, frankly, either) if I were in her position.
  
  However, the conference went well and she said some very nice things about my girl. She's a leader. She is very social, very emotionally aware, proud of her work, very creative, and very smart. She is writing her name without help, except for a little help with the "K." She is able to count from 1 to 39. She recognizes all the letter sounds and letters. She is starting to learn patterns in "math." She can draw the 3yo version of a person (head, arms, legs -- and she adds hands and feet!) She is a talker -- both in knowing the answers to questions, and in never shutting up. They said it's just part of being THREE, but that they also do envision future report cards with "Talks too much in class." I'm told the teacher has had to resort to "KT, Zip It!" when she just won't stop.

Hee, hee. And oh, dear.

Tangled and Teary

Man, Disney has done it again... here I am, nearly 2 years late to the Tangled party, but I have to share. We watched it several months back for the first time, and of course I loved it. The kids did, too. And so this weekend, when it was just me and KT -- the boys went away on a Scouting overnight -- we watched it once on Saturday and once on Sunday. [Aside -- do your kids do this, too? Get obsessed with a movie or show and want to watch the SAME EPISODE or the WHOLE 2 HOURS over and over and over again? Or is that just mine? I have also seen the two "Good Luck, Charlie" episodes available on Xfinity On Demand about four frillion times in the last 2 weeks.] Anyway, what I was going to say is that this movie, much like Finding Nemo before it, makes me WEEP! Good grief with the mother-daughter issues, and the keeping-kids-safe dilemma, and the kids-finding-their-independence and becoming-their-own-people and now-they-can-never-go-back-to-the-way-it-was!! Not to mention the holy giving of one's own life to save another's-es!! Yeesh! I am a complete MESS by the end of it, and so KT is awfully confused about what's a happy ending and whether or not Mommy needs a teddy bear and a blankie. It kills me when she comes to sit in my lap because she sees that I am sad. Kills me!!

Craving creativity

I guess Pinterest has done this to me... I'm feeling like I want to start doing more crafts and projects.

Well, okay, I'm partly motivated because KT needs a new big-girl bedOMGsheisstillsleepinginourroommostnights. Partly. Motivated. !! But Pinterest helps. I mean, you just see such adorable things there, many of which don't look hard, but require some time and effort.

I get hung up on that part, the time and effort part. But I think, "Well, Lee, if you really WANT IT, go out and GET IT." Isn't that the theme of our generation? Pshaw, you don't have time. Make the time. I have been thinking, if I'd just SAY on a Saturday, "I'm going to Michael's (or the antique store, or wherever) and then this afternoon I am going to paint something...." I have very little project-gumption, I guess, but I would like to have more. And if I want to do these kinds of things -- if they would make me happy (ier), I should definitely fit them in, right?

The other thing I love about Pinterest is that fact that I'm adding some visual beauty to my days. Even if it's just on my little iPhone screen, I'm enjoying seeing pretty things more often. Because I don't subscribe, unfortunately, to Architectural Digest like my elegant Mom did when she was my age. :)

I need a small, achievable something to get me started, and this one seems like the perfect thing.

It would be lover-ly in pinks and greens and lilacs and maybe a brown and a white, in KT's big-girl room, wouldn't it?? I am excited and hope to buy the supplies soon.

Art History, and my idea for a Music Project

When my sister and I were small (probably first and third grades, or so), my clever Mom purchased a teaching guide of some sort, for Art History. It included what seem, in my memory, to have been 9 x 13" prints of works of art from many of the great masters -- Van Gogh, Monet, Manet, Picasso, Cassat and Modigliani (impressive, right?). Mom instituted some sort of schedule, hung up the prints of the week (or maybe the month) around our house, with their names, dates and painters written underneath, and then we had little quizzes from time to time. It went on quite a while and I loved it.

We learned "Whistler's Mother" and "Still Life with Peppermint Bottle." I remember many of the works vividly; others not so much, but I can certainly identify styles and guess at who might've painted something, if I see it in a museum or book. I never took Art History 101 in college, which I do regret, but I still feel like I have a healthy basic knowledge, and that serves my humanities-leaning soul (?) well.

I recently had the idea to adapt the Art History plan for Music Literature, for my own kids.

There are certain works I would like them to recognize. Things that are obvious to me when they come on the radio: The Nutcracker Suite. Beethoven's 5th. Baroque period vs. Romantic. Aaron Copland! Granted, my kids are smaller right now than we were during our Art History lessons, but with music, it's never too early to start seeping it into their little ears!

They already listen to their own CDs when going to bed (only until the CD ends; I don't keep it on all night or anything) -- AJ's into kid-pop and has some Justin Bieber, some I Don't Even Know Who Else, China Anne Somebody or other? and some other tunes he picked out. KT's listening to a Disney compilation at the moment or sometimes Laurie Berkner. I want them to continue to choose their own music at times, too, but I am thinking that at dinnertime, maybe one or two nights a week, I'll just casually turn on a CD of Debussy's Children's Corner, or The Nutcracker, or Rodeo by Aaron Copland, and let it play while we eat. I might or might not make namecards for the composers, and set them up (casually!) on the kitchen counter while those songs play.

I'm so excited about this and have played the Debussy a couple of times already (they're enjoying the feel of the words "Golliwogs' Cake Walk" on their tongues when I tell them the name and they repeat it back to me).

I'm going to have to get on iTunes because I know I threw out the one (cheap) Nutcracker CD I had, years ago (the orchestration was not up to par - I think it was a reader's digest version, y'know? Not the real deal). And my classical collection is lacking in several other departments.

AJ has remained uninterested in piano lessons, much to my dismay. I hope I can convince (or force?) KT to take them, but until then, I'm happy to start them off with a little music appreciation.

Update...

Turns out you CAN play a Nintendo DS with a broken arm. It is not hard! You can play it, like, for 3 or 4 hours at a time! Especially when you're at home because your Mom is a sucker and feels sorry for you, having to have a cast! It is pretty awesome, actually!

(The final report: it's a type of fracture that heals in just 3 weeks. Yay! He talked the ears off the orthopaedics staff, and chose a blue cast.)

Rite of Passage

Our news this week is interesting, at least: AJ has fractured his right arm. Years from now I might want to remember it (I guess?) and it probably deserves a spot in the proverbial online “baby book,” though I think the pages in traditional baby books run out before age 7. Anyway, he was playing, at home – he loves to try to do “frog-stand,” and maybe this was what he was attempting to do – and he fell off KT’s bed, catching himself with two hands and two stiff arms… one of which went, “Pop.” Auditorally, it was a small pop, like cracking a knuckle. But already in my memory of it (2 short days ago), it’s gotten louder and…crunchier. How does the brain do that?


I am leaving the office in 20 minutes to take him to the Children’s Orthopaedics. I am anxious to finally hear from a doctor myself, since DH is the one who got to take him to Urgent Care the other night, and he has taken the follow-up calls (“Yes, it’s a fracture, now commence with the appointment-making and referral-getting. Have fun!”). I hope we get some actual details. Remind me to ask for doctor’s notes for Jiu Jitsu (we’ll get a little money back) and what he can and cannot do.


AJ, himself, is mostly handling it well. His mean mommy and daddy have made him go to school anyway. He hasn’t said we’re mean, but I feel – surprise –guilty about it. But yesterday he managed, and his friends took good care of him. I went to the school at noon and saw them on the playground, playing “Walk-Tag,” a game I think they made up in his honor. The four of them came walking up to me in a posse, and his buddies took turns telling what he had needed help with. So cute. Of course my main worry was had he gone to the restroom??! How is a kid supposed to unbuckle a belt and unfasten hook-and-eye pants with one (left) hand, I ask you? (He told me later he just didn’t go… all day.) I guess we’ll all figure out a way.


At dinner and bedtime last night, he was kinda weepy. He doesn’t like the splint, of course, and wants it OFF. (He won’t like a cast, either, if that’s what he gets today.) And I suspect he’s a little worried about how he’ll have ANY fun for the next 6 weeks, if it takes that long. The prospect of not playing his DS or Wii (hard to do with only one hand), no regular tag at recess, no trampoline jumping at the neighbors’ (ever again!!! Says Mean Mommy), no jiu jitsu, no bouncing on beds (ever again), no Daddy-wrestling…. I mean, I understand for a 7-year-old boy, this is pretty devastating. He had JUST learned a front flip on the trampoline, too.


On the other hand (heh), we’ve already promised to buy him a new set of Pokemon cards, and… there will probably be extra trips to get ice cream in his immediate future.

Rain last night

It poured rain during the night. Enough to wake both kids and bring them, shivering, to our room. I don't mind so much when they come in during a storm. It makes me smile, almost; I think it's one of the blessings of parenthood to be considered the safest and most comforting person/place, when thunder makes the house shake. And it comforts ME to have to comfort them, you know? It's the one time I kind-of do wish we had a king-sized bed.

I've always liked storms -- not that they don't sometimes scare me, too. But since I was a child, I've sort-of enjoyed being awake, even if it's 2:00 in the morning. I think the unexpectedness of them is what makes them interesting. You just don't know when the next crack! is going to happen -- not even when the lightning gives warning. Could be 7 seconds later, could be right away. And Jennifer once wrote about how she prays in thanksgiving for her home, however modest, when it's coming down cats and dogs outside. YES. What a comfort to also hear the hum of the fridge or the AC cutting on, when outside all the "hum" is loudly interrupted with unpredictable fury (or even gentle drizzle). How thankful I am for our solid shelter. For a warm bed.

And for extra bodies sharing my pillow.

----------------------------------

(Of course, after a while I did have to move myself to AJ's room. There was a 3-year-old leg thrown over my neck.)

Grateful!@3

^ Current password to get into my work computer, in case you ever find yourself in my cube.

Yes, I'm making a concentrated effort to count my blessings for the next few days. Yes, I'm feeling better. But gratefulness is gooooood medicine, and you can never have too much.

• I made a roast in the crock pot (2-3 lb frozen roast, 1 onion cut up, 3/4c water + 1 envelope Onion Soup Mix. High for 6 hrs or Low for 8). It tasted just like my Grandmother used to make, and I made onion gravy and lima beans with rice to go with it. The only thing I forgot was spiced peaches. No one loved it but me (DH ate it willingly and said it was better than his Mom's), but I DON'T CARE. I am very grateful for Comfort Food.
• It's almost fall. I love the cooler weather, football, sweaters, the rain. It's coming soon and I'm going to revel in it.
• I'm grateful for my Integrated Management System. Ha! No, really, I've been reading a productivity book at work, and it, along with MS Outlook, is helping me organize my days a little more thoughtfully, which is obviously something I need. (Avoid Stress! Plan! You can Do It!)
• I'm grateful for a job. Like the Desiderata says, "It is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time." (No matter how grumpy it sometimes makes me.)
• I'm grateful for a husband who loves and accepts me, warts and all.
• I'm grateful for fun and cuddles last night with KT (Alice in Wonderland, playing mermaids in the bathtub, and Alexander & the Terrible...Day), even while she's being a 3.5-year-old pill these days. It will pass; I'm holding on to that and trying not to wish time away.

Some Pleasantries

After I wrote that post Friday, and all of you were so kind, commenting, I had a hard time getting the little silent tears to stop falling. I would think I was all finished, but then another note would start me right up again, and back to the ladies' room I would go. I don't blame you. ;) I thank you, enormously, for all your sweet words and virtual hugs. As I told my Dad, us writers/bloggers/journal-keepers rarely feel the need to spew words all over a page when things are exceptionally good. It's harder, even, to FIND those words, I think. I've said before, I seem to remember the great days in soft-focus visuals, in a "feeling." People always say they want to "bottle it up." But somehow, when the emotions are painful, the words fall all over themselves to get out, to be said. I guess that's where poetry comes from.

We went out on Friday night; I decided without consulting anyone that Mexican Food Was Happening, and I guess everyone knew better than to complain, after my outburst. Well, that's not entirely true, KT complained a little, and pretty much refused to eat, but too bad for her. Margarita? Check. Spinach quesedilla? My new favorite. And otherwise, we had a normal weekend, both productive and relaxing. The weather was gorgeous, which is a renewal in itself. I laid down to read and essentially that turned into "went to bed," at 9:00 p.m. on Saturday night. We went for a walk on Sunday.

I still feel like I want to take a Personal Day from work, but it looks like I have called a meeting for this Friday (damn). The following Friday, AJ has the day off school. So I don't know what will happen, but I'd like to figure it out. I think I've only ever just played hooky one time in my 15 years of working; I mean, taking a day that wasn't a planned vacation or Christmas holidays, just a day for me. I'm picturing a leisurely morning with my coffee, a leisurely shopping trip by myself, a day free of cleaning or chores (unless I feel like it - sometimes cleaning is good for the soul), maybe a haircut. I suppose it doesn't have to be a Friday. Tonight is Book Club, and although I still don't really feel like being jolly, I am hopeful that by osmosis, the good friendships in front of me will fill me up.

Please, please pardon this extreme brain dump.

It's been a couple of rough days for me. I'm feeling underappreciated and under-loved, I guess, and I melted down about it this morning when KT fought every choice I gave her over what to wear. Normally I wouldn't bother with that battle -- I often let her go to school as the raggedy child in plain jeans and a stained t-shirt, because I simply don't have time to argue with her -- but today is school picture day and since I thought it was yesterday, and sent her in her ONE cute outfit yesterday, and had fewer options for cute outfits today, AND since I don't have time nor money to take her to the expensive studio for a three-year-old photo, this is going to HAVE TO DO, and she NEEDS TO LOOK CUTE. I envy the women whose girls are always dressed in AN OUTFIT that actually matches and was bought together, and always with the big, adorable grosgrain ribbons in their hair and cute shoes. KT never has the exact right shoes. Anyway, this morning I had a meltdown.

Times like THIS are how I simpley cannot fathom a single-parent-situation, because all I had to do was quiver like I was about to meltdown, and DH swooped in, shut KT's door, and took care of the situation while I childishly cried into a towel in my bathroom. I guess we all have our breaking point. AJ had been giving me the business earlier in the morning, because we didn't have his favorite breakfast item. "WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO THE STORE???!" he shouted at me. And that set me off.

IWORKSOHARDFORYOUANDALLIEVERGETISATTITUDE!ICANNOTGOTOTHESTOREEVERYDAYIWILLGIVEYOUAPIECEOFWHITEBREADANDSOMETEPIDWATERFORBREAKFAST,HOWWILLTHATBE????

Not to mention the dog crapping in the house TWICE in the morning, once AFTER I took him outside and he just doodled around sniffing things. Old dog, bless his heart. BUT OH MY LORD WITH THE POOPING.

Some of this started yesterday on Sparkpeople, when someone commented to me (because I was saying I haven't had time to workout) that my schedule is "insane." I've sometimes thought that, myself, on particularly busy weeks, but it kinda threw me for a loop to have someone else say it, because isn't my schedule just a NORMAL working mom with two kids kind of schedule? It has made me question nearly everything, and I guess that's what taken my emotions right off the rails. But I mean, what do you think about this kind of schedule? Objectively.

Monday
7:00 leave the house, drop off AJ
7:30 - 12 work
12 noon lunch with a friend (a rarity, I assure you)
1:30 - 4:30 work
5:00 pick up AJ, take him to his annual checkup
6:00 do homework, make dinner, etc... kids to bed, make lunches, watch TV and bed.

Tuesday
6:15 leave the house for my early day
6:30 - 11 work
11 - 11:30 drop off volunteer-job stuff at AJ's school; pop in to tell him he'll have to go to Aftercare b/c of an unexpected meeting
12-4 work (lunch was provided at work that day)
4:30 pick up AJ, homework, dinner...
6:30 boys leave for Cub Scouts
hang out with KT, etc. nighttime stuff

Wednesday
7:00 leave the house, drop off AJ
7:30 - 12 work
12 noon lunch out with my team (ran by the bank too)
1:30 - 4:30 work
5:00 pick up AJ, change his clothes, go to his jiu jitsu class
6:30 home, DH made dinner....

Thursday
6:15 leave the house for my early day
6:30 - 3:15 work (lunch at my desk, which I hate, but sometimes I have a lot of work to do, too)
3:30 pick up AJ, take him to school skating party, have no friends there, no one talks to me... (this was also a bit of an emotional glitch - when the skating rink feels the same at 37 as it did at 13... hrm.)
5:00 home, feeling guilty because KT isn't picked up yet but I need to get AJ home to do his homework before she's there to interrupt him
6:00 make dinner, listen to KT scream in complaint about not wanting what I'm making... eat my own dinner quickly because...
6:40 leave for choir practice -- which I can't decide if is another committment to stress me out, or "me-time" (I lean toward calling it me-time, but some days, especially Sundays, it feels like the opposite)
9:00 practice ends, go home, watch Project Runway, maybe help DH fold a few items from laundry... crash on the couch around 10....

I just... I don't know. It seems pretty normal to me. Maybe minus the choir thing. Is it not?

KT's in a phase of complaining and screaming. It's normal 3.5-yr-old stuff, we went through it with AJ. But it is wearing on me at the moment and I'm not handling her very well. (Can't wait 'til she's thirteen.)

I need some new clothes. That's one thing that always adds to a bad mood, when I don't feel like I have anything to wear, and no time to go shopping, and I'm always worried about spending too much money. I need a haircut and I haven't had time for that. I don't like to complain about it all, because DH will say, "Please go take some time for yourself, go shopping, get a pedicure." And then I'll feel bad for leaving him with the kids YET AGAIN, and I know HE needs some time off as well (not to mention clothes shopping), but he doesn't ever whine about it like I do... and I need a girlfriend that I LIKE to invite me to lunch or something, because I feel like I don't have any friends at the moment, and that makes it worse. I'm not even PMS-y, although this post sure sounds like it.

I'm so grateful for my beautiful kids, my wonderful husband who does the laundry and the yardwork despite how crappy he feels at the end of a work day, and all the good gifts I have. Most people think, I suspect, that I have it all together. But sometimes I have NOTHING together, nothing at all. I get tired and cranky and I don't want to DEAL with it all anymore. I would like to take a three-week vacation. Maybe by myself. At my mom's house.

Just Write: Right Now

I'm going to try this free writing exercise with Extraordinary Ordinary. Thanks to Nicole for pointing it out to me! Warning: This could end up being a very boring entry!

AJ, age 7, is sitting behind me at the kitchen table. I hear his pencils, coloring a West Virginia flag picture (drawn with much angst and crying last night from a picture we found online), working so hard I can almost also hear his tounge sticking out.

The dog is under the table. I hear him breathing, snoring (a good thing for a 15-year-old lab).

I poured us Cokes, a rare treat, but I left mine over there, on the counter. I can still taste its yummy sugar in my mouth. AJ has only drunk a little of his and I'm glad he's not a Coke guzzler. Last time I gave him Coke, he was enthusiastic in telling me, "Mom, Coke is REALLY GOOD." Rare treat, rare treat.

Next we'll have to cut out a construction paper cover for this state report. But I'm supposed to be talking about right now.

I see snacks waiting by the back door, to be taken to the boys' Den meeting tonight. DH's first as a Leader; I know he's slightly nervous. It makes me smile. I see a load of recycling that needs to be taken out (and I'm glad we finally signed up with a trash service that separates recycling, because I think it's a good lesson for the kids). The kids looooooove to take out the recycling, by the way.

Now I hear the dog clicking around the wood floor on his nails (we rarely cut them). And AJ wants to show me his finished flag. Have you ever drawn the West Virginia flag? It's really a tough one, as state flags go.

I get up to look, and I'm really proud of him. I will probably shuffle off to begin the nightly stroll through the pantry/fridge, to figure out something for dinner. I'm thinking chicken.