Quick, a blog post! At work I have one of the brand-new shiny iMacs with a 20- or 24-inch screen, and directly behind me sits my manager, facing my back. At any given time I feel like he's totally watching my SUPER REFLECTIVE screen since it is larger than my head by about triple. Anyway, he stepped out for a meeting so I can goof off for a minute. How dumb, right? I am a salaried employee with very little to do today AND I work in the Web 2.0 field for crying out loud. I don't need an excuse to visit Blogger. And yet, I feel like I do. Me and guilt, I swear.
So I think I've come to a point where I put KT baby in daycare five days a week instead of three. I was weepy about it yesterday but I know it's got to happen. I have come to dread Mondays and Thursdays, knowing that they're going to be filled, every second, with either Mom duties or job duties, and never being able to attend fully to either one. It's easier when they're tiny, but even now, with her at 6 months, I feel like she needs me to entertain her more than I really can. (And then I think, Wait. Did our mothers and grandmothers, in the 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, entertain us all the time? No. They used their playpens, too, in order that they get their other work done... so I needn't feel bad for plopping her on a blanket for 20 minutes with some toys... and yet I do feel bad. Like I said... guilt and me, we're likethis.) ANYWAY it's dumb to have to convince myself again that it's OKAY to put kids in daycare, since I thought I waged that battle with my heart three and a half years ago, and since I love our school... but there ya go. I love her, and I simply don't want to leave her. It's certainly easier this time around, but I thought it'd be MORE easier. Heh. I do know that I feel better on days when she goes and I can concentrate fully on one thing. So I guess we'll start that next week.
[Right when she's starting to feel some separation anxiety in the mornings, too. BUMMER.]
However, if you think I'm giving up my work-from-home days in this economy with gas prices as they are, you're crazy. That means working at my home with neither of my not-yet-school-age kids there with me, and naturally THAT fills me with more guilt, but on the other hand, it HELPS me be a better wife and mother to have that time to get laundry done while waiting for files to download, or time to do a workout video during lunch sometimes.
< / same story, different day >
Guess what? KT ate pureed squash last night with her rice cereal. FUN, baby food! She's getting pretty good at swallowing the stuff and I'm excited about introducing Flavor to her. I'm going to do it right this time, vegetables first, then fruits, so maybe she won't disdain the veggies like her stubborn brother did/does.
But oh, how CUTE that stubborn brother is. Yesterday after school/work we were sitting on the couch, me, KT, and him, and he leaned into us girls and looked at KT and said, "Oh, Mommy, I love her." I think he surprised himself by letting that out, but it was about the sweetest thing I'd ever heard and my heart pretty much burst with goodness.
6 comments:
I completely understand the whole daycare/guilt thing. It will be ok. I actually believe that the kids will be fiiiine. It is the mamas who have all the issues.
Speaking as a mama with issues.
You are perfectly normal.
I still have guilt when I turn on Sesame Street at 9 am and feel relief to have a whole damn hour to myself. I don't think that ever goes away.
FWIW, you're doing the right thing.
We are eating baby food here too. I'm alternating with fruits and veggies. We started with applesauce first, and this week introduced squash. I mix it with some cereal to make it go further since it is not cheap. I'm thinking of making my own baby food.
I hope your guilt diminishes quickly as you settle into your new routines. You are a good mom and a good employee.
Oh mom guilt, the bane of my existence. I used to feel guilty for not entertaining him every second of the day. Ridiculous right? I mean c'mon, kids need alone play time.
As for work, you do what you need to do. You gotta work, you gotta work. I'm sure the moms sewing all day didn't feel guilty that they couldn't play with their kids. I'm sure they were thinking more about just getting food on the table. so really I think we're a pretty indulged society these days. Bottom line, KT is loved and cared for and going to be a great kid.
The way you described the size of your computer screen is really funny. Heh, guilt -- it's my middle name. Or maybe my first name. D was saying I'm going to spoil M because I always rush to do what she "requests." If that is true (debatable), then it's no surprise -- that's what I've always done for D and for my Mom. I was thinking last night about the "entertaining" thing. How much do we need to "stimulate" our kids and how much can we leave them alone? I might have to go get a book to research this a bit -- yeah, a parenting book -- that should really mess me up.
I love AJ's adorable comment! It melts my heart.
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