Sometimes the time I spend at my office doesn’t even feel real. When I think about it from far away, at night or in the fog of my next morning’s shower, I think, “Did I really spend 8 hours there yesterday? Seated in that same position, looking in the same direction at the screen? A full day?” It can’t be.
I talk to people, sure. Through the cubicle wall as we both continue with our work-tasks. During lunch breaks. Or on the phone, irritated as I am whenever it rings. I talk to strangers or to people I only know marginally. They’re not the people that truly matter to me. I don’t feel engaged. I don’t actually feel loved by these people, or that I’m bringing them love.
Not that I remember, every day, that my purpose should be bringing love to others. I don’t. My purpose should be taking care of my family, and I achieve that, working to bring them food and shelter and a living. This isn’t a post about wishing to stay at home. But I think, “This is not meaningful. This is not living, doing. It’s sitting.” What I'm fretting over is my fulfillment. I think it’s the sitting that makes it seem so unreal. Our lives tangled up in wires and wireless, and keystrokes and data, and websites and typing – how can that be real?
I wonder, is it up to me to make THIS daily existence more meaningful? Or is it critical to find something else that would engender its own meaning? Something where I stand in front of people, or hug them? Or touch the earth? Or laugh about whatever thing we’re doing? Not that I feel I’m an extrovert. Far from it – I keep a semi-anonymous blog, for heaven’s sake. I’ve never cared for group projects. But spending the day doing something WITH people seems more acceptable than, at the end of the day, closing up the laptop, bidding my neighbor goodbye and wondering if either of us really SAW the other at all in the last 8 hours.
I’m not a save-the-world type. I don’t mean that. I don’t even know that I’m looking to solve a problem. But the sitting still, I just don’t know. It doesn’t feel real, sometimes, looking back at it. I wish I would at least get something out of it, some recordable emotion.
Time ticks away and it feels strange to just accept this.
4 comments:
I love you. I would have written this exact, EXACT blog in 2000 - 2008.
As you know, I went back to school in 2005 and completed my Masters this year. I can honestly say that a day spent in the hospital, going from patient to patient, making someone smile or delivering news gently or having a talk with a family member and FINALLY give them useful information... these things make my life worthwile.
I used to spend my days helping people who had lots of money to make more of it. They were nice people, and I don't begrudge them the right to make money, but it was not what you'd call fulfilling in any way.
Now, I help people. I really help people. And I LOVE it. I would recommend it to anyone. Giving up 40 hours a week for 8 years seemed like far too many. I am so glad that the rules have changed.
The "Matrix" has you. Please contact Morpheus......
Ha. I'm under the desk calling him now. :)
Awesome. Amen. You said this SO WELL. Wow.
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