Wrong side of the bed

Today's not the first time I've cried on a Monday morning, when my manager/friend walked in and asked, "How are you?"

Unfortunately, I was not that great.

Unfortunately, KT and I experienced our morning friction again today.

Has it been a while? Maybe. I mean, we've talked before about how she isn't a morning person. Thankfully, we haven't fought very much about bedtime since Kindergarten started. Lately she's been grouchy about wanting to lie down on the couch, NOT THE CHAIR, when we come downstairs for morning snuggles. Lord forbid if Alex makes it to the couch before her. But she's somehow been able to get over it, and hasn't gotten flipped out over the lights being TOO BRIGHT in quite a while.

Until today. Really, we spent most of yesterday (Sunday) in a heightened state of emotion, too. She was mad at me about every little thing. Nothing was going her way and she made that known.

Always, after these tantrums, I feel two things: 1. Ashamed, at the things I think (and sometimes the things I say), in response to her lashing out; and my inability to handle it with more patience and calm. But I mean, good grief, should I also have to be spoken to disrespectfully by my child?? No, I should NOT. 2. Guilt, that I've let it go this long and she's still acting this way. Is it because I don't have (make) the time to help her get through it with "emotional intelligence (see link below)?" Or time to discipline her properly? I've thought that "ignore, ignore" was the Number One Rule... but maybe that's also known as "Letting her Get Away With It." She's five and a half... Tantrums should have long ended, shouldn't they have? At least tantrums this big? I don't know.

I don't want us to punish her harshly, because she feels everything very deeply, from the initial reactions that get her ramped up, all the way to deep remorse. Often in the last 3 months, she's sobbed, "I don't want to be a bad person..." which just.... you can imagine what that does to a mama's heart.

We can't NOT discipline her, though, can we? I always run to the Internet or a book and further convince myself that I'm doing it all wrong, even though I know in my head that isn't true, and that every parent just does the best they can, and it's good enough. It IS.

I hate it for Alex, because it's not fair to him that she forces my full attention on her all the time; it's simply not fair. Even though he's older and doesn't need me as much, I know that too... but he's so like me and averse to conflict that he'll often give up whatever it is she's fighting for, just to avoid the hassle. What does that teach her? And yet, I don't blame him; it's what I do, myself. So I've definitely taught her, "Scream, and you'll eventually get your way." Not in every instance, but in some of them. I'm sorry for that. I don't believe in bratty kids, I swear. Would you believe me if you watched us from afar? And how do I turn it around now?

What's the natural consequence for acting out in the morning? You have to eat your breakfast alone in the dining room, instead of with Alex in the kitchen? (She'll scream that she's scared to be alone.) You must not want your breakfast; let's just go get dressed and you can have a granola bar on the way to school. ("You don't even want to FEED ME, Mommy? You don't even LOVE ME!" Believe me, this is what will transpire.) The next morning, you have to wake up with an alarm clock instead of Mommy so nicely waking you up?

Or, what can I start taking away that she will give a rip about? all TV? (which punishes Alex as well). Dessert? Sweets and Snacks? It's not immediate so she won't see the logic. She doesn't care that much about her toys and again, not immediate unless it's a specific situation)

How do I help her learn that she cannot always have her way? We played a board game yesterday and she flipped the board, mad when I pulled a card that she wanted. Yeah, she's that kid. It was CandyLand -- the game meant to teach 3-year-olds about winning and losing. I tried to gently tell her that we can't win every time -- as I have since we started playing games with the kids -- but it fell on deaf ears.

If we up her bedtime because she's just not getting enough sleep (I guess this is possible), she'll have to go to bed at 7:00 (that would give her 11 hours). I honestly don't think I can make that work.

I've come out with so many different "New House Rules" charts and "Kate's Behavior Chart"s over the years that I doubt they have any effect at this point.

I like what I read in the link above, and she does seem to respond to that type of helping behavior... I WANT to acknowledge her emotions every time and say, "There, there, I know you're mad/sad, and I'm here, you're safe. Let's talk about it -- you can tell me about why you're scared or upset." Is that the right thing to do? Or is it just babying the baby? Giving her attention when that's exactly what she wants?

I don't know which.

p.s. I know. I KNOW that everything's okay and I'm doing the best I can, and she's fine and she'll BE fine. I know, really. I love her and I love being a parent. It helps me sort out the difficult emotions and ideas, and to vent my frustrations, by writing it all here.