Near to me

Jergens lotion original scent
Peanut Butter bars candies
The sound of that old white refrigerator's foot pedal, to open the freezer
The little chips of ice in the freezer
Ti-coups
Dr. Pepper
Spanish eggs (with stewed tomatoes)
The way she washed her face with a soapy washcloth
Ivory
English Lavendar
Raisin Bran for lunch
Pepperidge Farm Very Thin sliced bread
Toasted peanut butter
Toaster ovens in general
Raisin Toast
When she would sit down and draw the "buildings" we made with her wooden blocks, so we could recreate them later
Catholic Digest magazine
The cute way she "softened" toilet tissue by crinkling it around before using it
Her style and elegance
Her jewelry
Unloading the dishes early in the morning
Stopping to let me sit on her lap
Her refined Southern accent
Salted pecans
Coffee ice cream with cherry preserves and walnuts
Cut glass ice cream bowls
Brandy
Cranberry juice cocktail served in everyday stemware
Pepperidge Farm Brussels cookies
When her kitchen door was open on nice days
The way she always called my singing voice 'velvety'
Sleepy Baby
That little electric keyboard we played on for hours
Froggy Went a-Courtin'
Woolworth's
Saengers
The red card table and chairs
"Yes, indeed"
"No damage done."
The dear Blessed Mother
"As for me and my house..."
September Morn
Her scrapbook
Boxes of photos
When she played the piano (once in a while)
"Running a household is hard"
Roast with gravy, white rice and lima beans
Eggs with Vienna Sausages
Watching the snow from her bright dining room window
Gumbo

Grandmother has been on my mind lately. I don't know why. I got to thinking about her -- had a hankering for Spanish eggs, actually -- and it spiraled the other night. I cried with missing her for some reason. KT asked me yesterday if she had died. When I said yes, she said kind-of wistfully, "Oh, it's too bad I didn't know her." Yes, sweet girl. It is too bad. She would have loved you.

So many of these memories came to me last night after thinking about them, and I got kind-of desperate to write them down. Many of them are part of my continued daily life. There are of course more, woven into who I am.




I wonder if she's keeping very near to me right now.

Generally good. (I have no headline mojo on this one) (Or maybe ever)

The October Craziness is here! Are we excited??

I am going to maintain my sanity and not get wigged out over the schedule stuff, not this year. But the weekend of October 26th, we have three kid birthday parties to attend (with costumes of course), plus a Scouts daycamp event, plus a family bowling party AND a sleepover request. Mak-ing mem-o-ries, wheeeee! This is the time of our lives. ;)


No, really, I believe that.

KT and I did the very brief Halloween decorating project shown here last weekend. She was thrilled with it -- guess she didn't realize that candy can be used in other ways besides mouth-stuffing and it blew her mind. I like it, too. It's festive.

We got our appointment time from the pediatric endocrinologist. Should be interesting. They of course want to know the patient's family medical history, plus. Mostly stuff about growth and development and if anyone else was known to be a late-bloomer or particularly undersized, and so that requires asking when did everyone (immediate family & relatives) develop? And so I have to ask both my mom and my MIL "When was your first menstural period?" For serious! It's on the form!! Argh. This thing is so weird.

I find that I'm really feeling hesitant around the topic. Caillou was on (ugh) the other day and it was an episode about 4-yo Caillou wanting to be taller like his friend Andre. KT was the one watching it, but I just cringed because AJ was in the room.

And I notice now, every time we're with other people, how small he is. I am much more aware of who's younger-but-taller (everyone). I wonder if he's noticing. I wonder if it bothers him, now that it's been brought up in such a medically concerned way. Yesterday E, his 6-yo friend next door, told us he has a loose tooth ("...because A. [other neighbor] threw a ball at my head, but still, it's loose!"). And I wondered if that bothered AJ. I asked him later if he wanted me to throw a ball at his head... and then I felt like a jerk for joking about it.

Diagnosis: Short Stature, the referral letter says. I just don't want AJ to be focused on it as A Thing, you know? I've not been talking too much about it with him; there's been no need. I know that he knows that we're doing this extra doctor's appointment, (and he already did the X-ray), but I don't want it to feel like a big deal. I don't want him to feel bad or nervous... or like he's defective, I guess is what I really mean.

You are perfect just as you ARE, AJ. Perfect.

But I am also curious and hopeful that maybe we could help him along...?

I said I wasn't going to talk/worry about it until there was something to worry about, so I guess by Oct. 31, the day of the appointment, we'll know whether I have more to say.

And at this point the only thing he HAS been worried about is that our appointment time of 1:00 might mean he has to miss his class Halloween party at 2:00. :) If that's the worst that happens, it's all good.

October. Crazy.

Gratitude Thursday

1. A good night's sleep. I was so tired yesterday but slept undisturbed for 6.5 hours. Heavy sleep (even with weird dreams about driving around on four flat tires) is so good.

2. Building dominoes towers on the floor with two happy kids last night after a dinner which they both ate.

3. The music part of choir practice tonight will be fulfilling, and will let my mind rest from all the other things that swirl around inside it.

4. Wednesday phone chats with my Mom. :)

5. Something to look forward to - my sis is coming to visit in early November!

Mommy, can I playonyourphone? and other QTs

1. Every day, someone or other asks me this question: "Mommy, can I playonyourphone?" Playonyourphone being one word, a word about which the inquirer KNOWS Mommy will likely roll her eyes, so it has to be said really fast so she barely understands it. On the days when I say no -- and this usually happens in the car, on the way home from school, which is a 20-minute drive at the most -- and it's not every day, only once or twice a week -- I get a lot of negative feedback. "But what am I supposed to DOOOOOO?" OMG. I love answering that question. "Sit there and look out the window! Let your mind REST! ....THINK! Sleep! Tell me about your classroom!" I fear for this generation, honestly. Think about your 8 or 9 year-old in a few years, out on his first date (charming ice cream parlor) with the girl of his dreams. Will he even know how to sit with her quietly and have a conversation? Or will both their heads be bowed down over individual LED screens? The texts will read, "How's it going?" from her BFF, and she'll type back, "I don't know, we're both texting about it but nothing has happened so far."

I'm being completely serious. They have to learn somehow that every moment of the day doesn't have to  enteratin them electronically. And I take it one step further: I want my kids to learn that silence is NICE. Restorative. I don't even play the radio in my car these days, my desire for them to understand this is so great. Come On, Kids! Rise Above the Tech Culture Standard, I want to say to them!

In related news, I am still actively trying to make sure my own iPhone is put away at least 90% of the time when we are at home, and it's a very hard goal to achieve. :-/


2. I have a Dunkin Donuts iced coffee this morning and it tastes exactly like a Coffee Nip.


3. We heard back from AJ's bone age scan. The lab tech said to me, "It's not abnormal, but it's a little, (pause) off." WTH? I guess I'm glad it's not abnormal? So we're waiting on an appointment time from the pediatric endocrinologist. Just to see. We certainly haven't decided anything one way or the other and I'm still not convinced he needs growth hormone. I'm only 5'1", his dad is 6' tall... my dad's 5'6"... I just really hope if we give him time (like some of you suggested in the comments, THANK YOU) that maybe he'll have his spurt. I simply do not know. We'll see if he's deficient and just go from there.



4. This weekend is our parish picnic. For years I longed to attend. It's always a free event, I wanted desperately to make friends in our community, and what's more glorious than a picnic, amirite? I imagined us sitting on the grass somewhere and saying hello to nice people. We went last year and it was.... okay. It was fine. (It was really windy, if I recall.) This year, there are definitely a few "friends" that I'm not especially wanting to run into; I know exactly what to expect of the food and the setup (i.e., there's no idyllic grass, I don't know where I dreamed that up); and... meh. It's got some fun things for the kids, like games and face painting... but I'm not overly enthused. Funny, I think, because no joke, this was something on my list of PERSONAL GOALS at one time.


5. Don't ask, about the friends I don't want to run into. Drama is not something I need in my life so I am going to ignore it and move on. (Ugh! There is a bit of Drama!)


6.  I put together some webstats this morning at work. It was sort-of fun to be able to draw conclusions.


7.  There has been very little morning-rush drama at our house the last 3 days. KT has put on her uniforms, let me do her hair, and generally cooperated. It's a miracle. Shhhhhhh.


quick takes every week plus really thought-provoking posts on the other days at conversiondiary.com

Check and check

• Starbucks this Monday morning: Fat-free Peppermint Mocha!
• Good mood music on the way in. (Air-drummed at the stop-light.)
• Quick morning walk around the building in the 9:00 hour! (another favorite tactic: Make sure to see/breathe the Morning, OUTDOORS)
• Everything bagel thin with cream cheese for breakfast!
• Already imagining my lunch outside...
• And my afternoon dark chocolate and coffee cooler treat...
• And my red wine this evening.

So except for the walk, it's all about food treats. I won't feel weird about that - it's all good so far. Haven't done any real work yet, but eh. Who cares about that nonsense. ;)

7 Quick Takes before Fall's First Day

1. Last night I decided I wanted to chat for a minute on Twitter about AJ's latest news (so I typed it in, and then promptly crashed on the couch). He had his hand X-rayed for bone age yesterday. He's 8 years old, 3'9" and 41.5 pounds, and hasn't yet lost any teeth, so the pediatrician advised we should see if his skeletal age is on par. The teeth-thing was the kicker, although our dentist has remained unconcerned all this time. AJ's fallen below the growth curve, after being in the 3-5th percentile since he was born. I feel nervous-tummy about it; growth hormone has been mentioned as a possibility. "Under five feet at fully grown" has also been mentioned as a possibility. (That was when my stomach sank.) There is a lot to talk and think about but I feel like I shouldn't even go there until the X-ray results are given to us. I'm so thankful that he's healthy, and happy. He (so far) has a great attitude about his size; we've always told him that people come in all shapes and sizes. And he says, "I can get into small spaces!"

2. Yesterday at work the whole Internet connection went down around noon, and wasn't back up and running until after 4:30. Can you believe they didn't even TRY to send people home?? Criminal. What were we supposed to do? File things?

3. We're going to a football-watching party Sunday afternoon. That will feel like fall. :) My husband is an Atlanta Falcons fan and I guess I've become one, too, especially after the arrival of Matt Ryan as our QB. But it's funny, I like a lot of the teams -- mostly because my friends or family members do. I like Seattle (my sister, and a co-worker); I like Denver (my BIL and of course because of Peyton Manning); I like Green Bay (college friend was from there and a huge fan); and I still like Tampa Bay. We're considered so odd around here because we don't really follow any one college team. I mean, we'll turn it on, and watch the score reports, but Saturday's not our Football day; it's Sunday/Monday. Who do you like?

4. In a similar vein, what fall recipes are you most looking forward to right now? Name three: 1 appetizer, 1 meal (a soup or casserole, perhaps??), and 1 dessert or sweet thing. Mine are: Rotel dip -- the one with crumbled sausage and cream cheese zomg; Baked Potato Soup in the crock pot with bacon on top; and pumpkin bread. YUMMY! I do love a good gumbo in the fall, too. I sincerely wish I could make mine as thick and hearty as I want it to be. I guess it's a lifelong pursuit and I'm willing to KEEP WORKING. ;)

5. Choir's started back up and I'm having my perennial angst about it. I love making music. I don't like spending so much time in rehearsals. I would like to do some other things, like take a regular yoga class (or a tap class!), but I don't feel like I can claim TWO weeknights for me-time. We're about to hit the "divide and conquer" years with two kids in school and activities. I'd hate to leave the choir again, but on the other hand I'd love to not have this argument with myself (and my blog) again. Sorry.

6. I've come to the conclusion that Mondays must be handled in a very specific way:

• Starbucks or DD treat in the morning (instead of Friday)
• Lunch at home on the deck if it's nice outside (or with DH or a friend if they're avail.)
• Dark chocolate at some point in the day
• Read this at some point in the day (I love this)
• Wine when I get home

It's the only way. I can't wait to try my new plan next week. See? "Can't wait" re: a Monday? Already working.

7. Does anyone watch Parks & Recreation? What'd you think of last night's episode? John McCain! Hee hee! That was funny. I think Amy Poehler looks great but I'm not very interested in a plot line of her long-distance relationship with Ben. I love Ben, but LDRs? Depressing. I need more Tom, more Donna, and more Chris Traeger + Ann Perkins. PLEASE get those two back together, I say. :)

happy friday, friends. Visit the quick takes hub.

Belle

My KT baby read her first sentences tonight. I have to mark the occasion because her reaction to the fact she could do it was so adorable.

She's been "reading" a few sight words here and there, but I've been wondering if she was ever going to catch the bookworm bug, because she often chooses to color or watch a show instead of a nightly story, and I usually let her. I'd rather force her to read, of course, but I know forcing it isn't going to help anyone, and i dont want to rev it up at bedtime. So tonight she chose coloring, and we had a great time with an under-the-sea scene and some markers. (I like coloring too!)

At 8:25, wayyyy too far past time, she asked if we could read one story. I almost refused, but I'm so glad I didn't. I got her to clean up and hop into bed and I grabbed the shortest book I could find: a Disney princesses "Beautiful Brides." I think we'd only read it once before, a couple of weeks ago.

Well, she opened that sucker up and just blew her own little mind (and filled my heart) with, "Belle... is going ...to ...marry ...the ...Prince. She (likes?...) loves ...her ...wedding ...gown."

She couldn't stop giggling.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Life, lived and listed!

Had a very busy day on Tuesday, and managed to keep my cool.

7:20 drop AJ off
7:30 Room Moms' meeting
8:15 PTA meeting
9:15 arrive at work
work work work
4:30 leave to pick up kids
4:45 was supposed to meet my latest Mary Kay source -- called her and asked if we could push it back to 5:15. She said yes. Texted DH so he could pick up KT instead of me.
5:15 makeup party. :) brief. Just eye shadows. I bought an Orange one! Risky!
6:30 leave for Cub Scout meeting at 7.
8:30 return home! bedtime routine for kids
9:00 laundry in! (It got dried but not folded, obvs)

All of that, but I just felt the goodness of a full, happy day.

I think the weather has SO much to do with it. I've long said that Fall is best season because it's such a RELIEF. Everyone I know has been visibly lighter, happier, and more pleasant since we've had 80 degrees and zero humidity this last week or so. It's remarkable.

And listen to this past weekend's lineup - again, busy but filled with sweetness.

Friday night: AJ had his best friend spend the night. There was Pizza and Ninjago and I think they watched a show they weren't supposed to (King of the Hill)! I let them get away with it.
Sat morning: Cub Scout activity for the boys and DH; Farmers' Market for KT and me!
Sat afternoon: leisurely cleaning, kids playing, mommy coloring
Sat night: Girls Night Out with my favorite moms from school. :) Sadly, DH had to deal with a somewhat grumpy/weepy KT. I may have more to say about this later.
Sunday morn: 10:00 am Mass, then brunch at Waffle House! KT's request! She said it was the best restaurant evar!
Sunday pm: Grocery shopping and apple pie baking! AJ invited to another friend's house around the corner. Dinner eaten outside on the porch. Football on the TV.

Man, things can be SO GOOD.

Labor Day and the Lutherans

"Pig," by Dave Matthews Band, is another song that puts me in the right frame of mind for Project Default: Happy.

And it helps to have "Monday" actually already be a Tuesday! Hooray for long weekends and short weeks!

---

We celebrated the christening of our very first niece this weekend, at a sweet little Lutheran church. It was lovely; she is 2 weeks old and cried and cried, and the ceremony was pretty long, much to the chagrin of her first-time mommy, who was stressing out about the crying. But baby's a little Christian now, in the loving arms of a church family. I love baptisms so much.

As for me, I was excited to attend a Lutheran service. I find it hard to believe that I've never known anyone who was Lutheran and I'm certain that until this weekend I'd never been inside a Lutheran church before. I LOVE visiting other denominations, and it has been a really long time. (When I was about three, I attended a music class at the Presbyterian church -- I still remember the off-brand chocolate sandwich cookies; we did quite a bit at the Methodist church in town -- children's choir, Sunday School, and hearing their handbell choir are some distinct memories; our violin teacher was LDS so we performed recitals at their church (? building? temple?) a few times; and then as a teen I was friends with a Prebyterian minister's daughter so I made lots of memories with their youth group. Oh, and don't forget the Nazarenes - they had a very vibrant youth group, too, that I visited a couple of times with my cousin. And the Episcopalians - love them, too. Was invited to sing with their choir once after college, and was so challenged and inspired by the very academic sermon that day!)

We were greeted very nicely by members of the parish in the front lobby area, and made to feel welcome. They had the very handy "kids' supplies" bags available to keep the KT entertained (a bag with crayons and Bible coloring sheets, for those who don't know -- I had heard of these before). The pastor spoke well, and aside from it feeling a bit rushed (and I bet it was, with both the Baptism and Communion to get through that day), I was able to follow along with the program. Nicene Creed: check, just like us. "Thanks be to God:" check. There were quite a few similarities that made me feel comfortable, and a couple of hymns I recognized.

This might be a stretch, but I liked thinking about how close it brought me to the first real Questions ever raised in Christendom; THE Martin Luther! A Christian celebrity of sorts. :) His questions that allowed for my own questions and study about Christianity, in my own time, hundreds of years later. I told my Mom in a email, "I love the Protestants." And I do! (Well, except the unreasonable, uber-evangelical, mean ones. I get twitchy around them.) The Reformation may have divided Christians for good, but it also gifted us with a rich diversity of understanding about faith, and good works, and tradition, and the Bible, and all those things. It helped Catholicism, I think, by making us sure of what we really believe. History would be much more boring indeed, if it hadn't happened.

Update on the Attitude Update

So, after a full week of Not Complaining About My Job, it appears.... I have nothing to share here.

Ho, ho, ho. Just kidding. I did have a pretty decent week last week, just by working HARD to improve my attitude. And breathing deeply, and counting blessings, and listening to some really good tunes, loudly, on my headphones. All those things.

Want to see the Playlist?

• Mumford & Sons -- Roll Away Your Stone is just unbelievably awesome 
• Catherine Wheel -- Satellite (thank you, DH, for introducing me to them so many years ago)
• The Church -- Metropolis and Business Woman
• Beck!! Oh my gosh, I'd forgotten how fun Beck is! Where It's At was on infinite repeat a couple of days last week and I danced in my chair
• Coldplay - Lovers in Japan/Reign of Love makes me so happy
• The Flaming Lips - Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robot (no robots will defeat me! YouTube it right now. Note: video=odd)
• Travis -- Sing. Sing, sing, sing!

I will admit that Monday this week was difficult. Over the weekend I find less need to manage the moments and be mindful, because the weekends are Nice! So I got out of practice and my brain tilted back to its OLD default of Monday Grumble Grumble. I knew it, as it was going on, but I couldn't seem to cheerlead my way out of it, that day.

I mean, Mondays are hard no matter what, right? They ARE.

So we'll have to work on that a bit more.

I also haven't had any other time on the computer at home, to continue to the next step of Anzman's book, but I will.

----

KT started wearing uniforms this week at her Pre-K. This is the first year they've done uniforms -- it's a daycare, so only the oldest kids, the 3s and 4s, are wearing them. Because of this, some of the sizes have not yet been delivered and so, some of KT's friends aren't wearing their uniforms yet. Which makes it hard for me to convince her that she needs to wear hers. She love, love, loved it on the first day. Looked so cute, even though she chose a hot pink headband and socks, that didn't exactly match (the school hasn't specified all the way down to socks or accessories).

The second day? The shine wore right off. "I HATE MY UNIFORM! I DON'T WANNA WEAR IT I WANNA WEAR MY YELLOW DRESS!!"

The very [stupid,exhausting] morning situation I had hoped uniforms would deter.

WE CANNOT WIN, MAMAS.

(But I have a good attitude about work! Tra-la! And P.S. I am rocking the Room Mom situation so far!)

Here's what

Here's what (hat tip Andy Cohen):

Every moment has to be planned out, almost. Every hour, definitely, for productivity's sake, but sometimes even the moments in-between.

When I am prepping to go to bed, I am managing that moment by actively trying NOT to be grumpy about going to work the next day. Instead I'm actively reminding myself how nice that moment is -- washing my face in warm water, the fragrance of my favorite Aveeno night cream, the feeling of a clean mouth full of brushed teeth, and how awesome -- awesome! -- it will feel to finally stretch out under the cool sheets.

When I get out of my car to walk into the office the next day, I manage it by parking in a prettier spot than the middle of the lot. I found a spot under a tree that requires me to walk down a flowery path to the office door, instead of the other route, which is just crossing over the asphalt, and I do this so that the walk into the building can be called pleasant.

I want to call this gratitude, but right now it's mostly just moment-management. I'll have to work up to gratitude.

It's about to be our most stressful time of the year at work and I can feel the unpleasantness all around me.

-----

No.

I wrote the above yesterday. Then, last night after dinner, I got to work reading a book -- more non-fiction slash self-help! mid-life crisis?! -- I had downloaded from the fabulous Melissa Anzman, called, appropriately, Stop Hating Your Job. I mean, is that the perfect title or what? And I have homework:

Today is the end of my negativity about my job.

I am announcing it here, to my support network, because that it what you all are, really: women I admire, my DH, and my Mom. I will need your support. This is a pretty big change (I'm sorry to admit).

Not to give away the book or anything, but Anzman is pretty smart. First she has you list out ALLLLLL the things you hate about your job. I thought that exercise was funny because, DUH, not like I've never done THAT before, in the back pages of a notebook or on an unpublished draft here on the ol' blog!! Ha!

But then after letting you have your vent, she says basically this: It's your attitude.

And I have known this all along. It's why I've been working so hard to be more peaceful, to be more grateful -- I know, it's ME.

(NOT that it couldn't also be the job -- and I sure hope that the 2nd half of the book offers some good advice for if you really do think you're ready for a change, because I definitely might be. She certainly has that kind of advice on her website.)

I'm sure I'll mess up and complain a little here and there. I'll try not to. But I have a new mantra, new ways to manage the moments of the workday, and it's time to make HAPPY my default setting. I find it weird and shocking that it requires so much mental WORK for that to happen, but maybe that's what I've been missing all along.

Room Mom

I got chosen to be one of AJ's room moms! (Or at least that's the rumor... haven't gotten the official email yet.) It feels like I passed an audition or a cheerleading tryout or something (there were a lot who volunteered for the job). Now, to see if I can pull it off...!

Lined up

Student Orientation today. At the public schools around here they call them “Sneak-a-Peek” days. I took AJ over to school, watched him carry his heavy new backpack (his first legitimate Jansport, non-character one!) down the big hill, met his teacher, crammed his desk full of supplies and fat textbooks (it really does get harder as they move up) and we were done. No big emotional deal, which is a first for Mommy, I’m embarrassed to admit. Usually I get teary – good tears – that this gets to be my life, taking my boy to a school that feels like home, seeing friends that feel genuine. Today it was just 3rd Grade, business as usual. I was still happy, and he was too, but it's just what we do. Normal.

He looked bigger – several teachers and parents said they could tell he’d grown taller. Praise God, since I pray for it daily. Bless his sweet heart; he may always be small, and that is perfectly okay with me, but I know it’s kinda tough on him right now. He has classmates who are taller than he (him?) by teens of inches. Taller than me. And he hasn’t lost any teeth yet! I’m told this means they’re healthy, and that his adult teeth will also be healthy blahblah, but MAN, do I wish he could get a visit from the Tooth Fairy before he’s too old to believe in her anymore! Pray with me, Internet.

Yesterday I went to the mall to buy KT her uniform skirts and shorts. (Nothing like leaving it ‘til the last minute, right?) TCP had exactly 2 khaki pleated skirts and 2 navy pleated skirts, in her size. I actually got one of them in a 5 (too big), because by February, she WILL be five. These will go with 2 navy polo shirts, and two gold/yellow polos, which her pre-K will order for her. She’ll also receive her very own school-logoed backpack (shh, it’s a surprise) when she starts next week. Pre-K! I can’t believe it. So big. Workbooks and backpacks and a navy blue headband to go with her uniform. She can't wait, I think. We're trying to make a Very Big Deal about it for her.

It’s going to be a good year. Really busy, to be sure. Jiu Jitsu, Ballet, Cub Scouts, maybe swim lessons (?), volunteering, having friends... plus a new niece on the way, and probably a trip to Disney at Thanksgiving, on the family side of the calendar. But this is The Life. An absolutely full, fun, good, healthy life. It has become so clear to me this summer: I can actually say, “I have it all.”

Playtime

KT is in an imaginary phase. She loves to play 'Mommy and Sister,' where she is the Mommy and I am the Sister (Daughter). Sometimes she tells me, "Honey, I have to go to work now! You can stay here and take care of our Baby (doll). Don't forget to change her diaper! Bye!" It's cute. When I'm feeling mischievous, I sit on a chair and demand that she bring me snacks, made in her play-kitchen. She doesn't know to say, "You can get up and get your own snack," like her mother does. Heh, heh. Other times she pretends that she has a date with her boyfriend, Derek. And her name, in this instance, is Emily, thankyouverymuch. When she calls me "Mom" instead of "Mommy," I am required to know to respond with, "Yes, Emily?" If I don't, she'll pause and wait for me to figure it out. I don't know where she learned the name Derek. We don't know anyone with that name. But I know that he takes her to restaurants, and that she changes into a dress to get ready for these dates, and she carries her purse.

She is pretty fun.

Lunch at the Mexican restaurant

Today I am having lunch with a friend -- a non-work friend -- at a Mexican restaurant. I am so excited about it. She's the mom of a classmate of AJ's, and really lovely.

And it's good timing, because my brain won't shut itself off. I need to get out, open the windows, let some sunshine and conversation in. I have multiple blog post drafts sitting in the back-end, here, about (WARNING>>> SSDD ahead...) my feelings about my career. I can't decide if I'm more angsty about working full-time and wanting that to change, or more angsty about this company and its leaders and this job in particular. It's best if I don't spew it all out here; I'll save it for Julie today and maybe the live talking will serve me better than this self-focused typing. Maybe she'll interrupt me with some insight that will save me from the stupid downward thinking spiral.

Annnnnnd I've also not been working out, again. See how that works? TOMORROW it changes. Planning a trip to the pool, at least, and workouts next week in earnest.

----

School starts here in 3 weeks. I'm not sure how I feel about it. It's definitely been a nice summer, very relaxed as far as the daily schedule is concerned. I have not missed my 5:00 a.m. Tues/Thurs. wake-ups! In fact, I just don't know if I can hack that again this year. (I said the same last year but ended up doing it.) I DO want those extra hours with AJ; I like the idea of flex-time to make Parenting work; and I have heard that 3rd grade is a huge homework year at our school, so I want to be around to assist him if needed, but... Well, if I do it I'll have to muster up all my reserves of SuperMom juice. Because ugh.

P.S. My neck is feeling somewhat better. It sux getting old.

Ache and pain

We joke, my husband and I, about our aches and pains, because we're getting old. He's slightly ahead of me, having passed the 40-year mark already, but I assure him I'm feeling 40 already. It looooooooms.

This week I have a pain in my neck -- not a figurative one, either. I've caused it, I'm sure. Years of 8-hour days at the computer -- yes, I take breaks and go to meetings and all, but for the most part, it's sitting in front of the screen -- plus this thing I got myself into 4 years ago: putting KT to bed. She was the infant who needed to fall asleep in my arms, and knowing she was my last baby, I let her. I soaked those nights up. I tried not to complain.

She got bigger. We rocked every night, until she was at least two, probably three -- long after the rocking chair was comfortable for both of us together. She got a big-girl bed but... well, I'm still just aiming for easy nights, and what's made it easier is staying with her for a few minutes while she lies there winding down. It's a twin bed, and I've lain on my side, elbow propping up my head, my back leaned up against her wall. All this time, I didn't realize I was probably not doing my body any favors. Sometimes it's 15-20 minutes that I stay in that position. It didn't feel uncomfortable, necessarily.

This week, it feels uncomfortable. I also blame the dumb layout of our den, and our TV-watching habit. I/we LOVE watching a little TV at the end of the day; I'm not apologizing for that. But the way I sit, on the couch, is another contributor, I think, to my feeling 40 this week. (I'm still only 38!) I either have to turn my head just slightly to see the TV, or I lie down. And it's not an ergonomic lie-down, it's propped up with some pillows so I can see, until I realize it's too many pillows, and then it's fewer pillows or none, which doesn't really feel much better... and then I'll shift to my side, elbow propping up my head again.

I want to smack myself for all of these behaviors, actually. I should have known better. The pain is mostly when I look down -- oh, I also blame looking down at my iPhone all the time (damn you, digital culture!) -- or move my head around, but there's a dull ache when I'm just sitting. And now I'm hyper-aware of it, trying to stand and sit perfectly aligned, which feels like it must look weird to other people.

DH massaged it last night, and I have a gift card to the spa from Mother's Day that I haven't scheduled yet. That is happening soon. I'm trying to stop elbow-propping altogether. I am breathing deep and stretching every chance I get. I don't feel stressed. I know which yoga poses are good for necks. I was so zen, enjoying more moments of my days, but now all I can think about is this stupid little ache.
 
It's strange how much your neck means to you.

7 Quick Takes - 20-year reunion edition

(Watch out, two posts in one week!)

1. So, the thing about reunions and high school classmates is that they're like your brothers and sisters, really. I mean, they're so far planted into the fabric of who you are, and where you've been, and how you relate to the world. Before the reunion, I was trying to figure out WHY we feel the need to reunite with people we only hung around for 4 years. I thought, I have Facebook, I don't really need to see these people in person, many of whom I didn't even like all that much back then, and I don't know who I'm even going to talk to. But after the reunion, where I didn't ever feel the need to include last names when introducing people to my husband -- "This is Edward ___ wasn't necessary -- it's just Edward. I mean, you know -- Ed! From my LIFE." -- I get it now. We get together because they're part of us, whether or not we want them to be.

2. Especially coming from a small Catholic school like mine. We all laughed about wearing name tags. Really? We need these? There were only 88 of us. We didn't have the kind with yearbook photos, thank goodness, but still. I suppose they're for the spouses, mostly. Apparently, late at the Friday night event, which we missed because we were still driving into town, the name tags of the absent people got passed around, even to some random strangers who were at the same bar where the class was gathered. Such a typical thing for the jokers from my class to do. When they told me about it the next night, they said they had given mine to some young 20-something and told her a little about me... and then she went ahead and looked me up on Facebook on her phone. And I HAD gotten a very random friend request that night (I was checking my phone while we drove, to see photos from the event; there weren't many.) I ignored it like I do all weird friend requests, but now I know what it was!

3. Lots of people DO NOT CHANGE.

4. Some people do, however. The person I talked to the most, probably, was a person I talked to only a handful of times during school (but he's part of my BEING!). He was too cool then, not in the popular athlete kind of way, but in the popular-alternative-music-and-extreme-sarcasm way. Wait, those people weren't the popular ones in your school? They were, in mine. (So were the athletes, but the alt-music crowd was a different kind of cool, altogether.) Anyway, he's now a stay-at-home dad (!), homeschooling his two boys, doesn't drink at all (!), and still playing music, now in a local country band "because that's where the money is." He said all their dreams and inspirations went out the window once they got older and now playing music is "all business." HA! HAHA! 

5. I started thinking, this morning, about our principal. She's been there 25 years+. She was the only nun at our school (nun shortage, you know) and... we all really hated her. But now I can't really remember when we, as students, ever talked with her or how she appeared in our daily lives. I mean, I know she was in charge, she had a reputation for being "mean," and she did used to walk the halls sometimes, but it isn't like she taught classes -- she mostly stayed in her office. I bet she would have been a good moderator for clubs and things... but she didn't do that. I bet deep down, she's led quite a lonely life, actually. I bet she knew the cruel names we all called her. (Adults, I know now, aren't stupid.) I think I need to add her to my daily (or, my whenever I remember) prayer list. I wonder how long she'll stay there?

6. Some people REALLY change. The sister of one of our classmates who has passed away (I say that for MB's benefit), turns out to be a really good, interesting, kind person. She and her mom attended our events and I'm so glad they did.

7. They had a photobooth.With props (not seen in this pic).

Thunderstorms, chocolate, and a secret

Funny story: Last night after putting the kids to bed, I went back downstairs as I typically do. Even KT knows, and tells me in our "goodnight" routine, to go "do laundry, do dishes, then to bed. Tell Daddy I was a good girl. I love you, too, sweet dreams." That's our speech. She repeats it to me every night. Anyway, last night it wasn't a laundry night, but I needed to do some work on the computer. I was also hungry. My portioned-out dinner (1/2 chicken breast, 1/2 c. green beans, salad, and 1 crescent roll) just hadn't satisfied me. There was also a chocolate need I wanted to accept and acknowledge. You know I've been working on my zen... Be present in this very moment. Well, in this very moment my brain said, CHOCOLATE. Who am I to disregard that? 


So I pulled out one of these little gems, Baker's microwaveables. Have you had these? (Not being paid by them.) They KEEP in the fridge! Re-use whenever you're being especially present in a moment! They are so handy. I set the container, some graham crackers, and some marshmallows out on the kitchen table and I had myself a little dessert feast. SO YUMMY. I didn't sit with it, but walked by it every few minutes and nibbled a little. A dessert buffet for one.


And then the thunder started. DH went upstairs first, to calm the troops while I tried to finish up on the laptop. But when that giant branch flung itself into the side of the house -- the side that just happens to contain AJ's room -- all bets were off and they came tearing back downstairs to cower under my couch blanket.


I thought they had moved fast enough to avoid the sight of my spread, and at first, they had. No mention of it was made, only the mention of the lightning they saw, and the hail that was beating down on the roof. ("Who's 'Hail?'" asked KT.) I sat with them on the couch, patting backs and making soothing noises (I hope), and trying to keep them from looking in the general direction of the kitchen. I made big eyes at DH and pointed to my stuff, back there, and asked him to please sweep it away before it was too late and we were serving 2nd dinner to a couple of already-brushed-teeth kids. He did, but I think they saw. I think they know the secret truth now...


WE HAVE MORE FUN, AND SOMETIMES DESSERT, AFTER YOU GO TO SLEEP.

7 Quick Takes relative to nearly nothing

1.  We saw the new Spiderman movie last night. (On a weeknight! We didn't even go home after work, just simply met at the theater!) Both my husband and I -- he a devoted Marvel Comics fan since childhood, me a reluctant but now immersed present-day fan -- thought that they did a fantastic job with the re-boot. You didn't think Tobey MacGuire could be bested as nerdy Peter Parker? Neither did I. But I have to say, Andrew Garfield definitely gave the character more nerd. DH said, "I was jealous of his hair." Hahaha. Anyway, if you're a Marvel devotee, you will probably enjoy the film. It's somewhat darker than the Sam Raimi version, but I thought that the girlfriend, the family relationships and the music, in particular, were more beautiful.


2.  One of the things I've been struggling with professionally is just my lack of friends in the office. And a problem of our modrun-day-soci-uhtee, which is that we're all too damn busy (read: doing the jobs of 3 people) to chit-chat (read: get to KNOW each other) during the day, or take lunches very often, or have any fun. Blah. Even with those restrictions, though, I'd be happier if I had more than ONE person to call a buddy. One person to tell weekend stories with. One person I go to lunch with. And she's my manager so sometimes, she's not the perfect candidate but she's all I got. Suppose I should spend more time being grateful for HER.

3.  In June, we signed on to my company's health insurance instead of DH's, and guess what -- it costs HALF as much. This is another thing I'm having a hard time reconciling -- I'd love to seek out a different gig, but I hate to give up this brand-new benefit that's going to save me so much money this year! Kinda stupid logic, I know, and I guess no reason to stay miserable, if I am, in fact, miserable, but... still. I'm not quite miserable yet.

4. Let's switch gears to talk about the fact that TONIGHT I get to see my kiddos! We have LOVED having this week to ourselves. Morning-time, alone, has been worth having those two away for a week! So calm! So easy! Wake up, shower, get dressed, make coffee... don't talk if you don't feel like it! There's a lot of talking going on when they're home in the mornings. However, I do look forward to having them back. The household personality has been reduced by a large margin and ohmygosh, do I need some AJ and KT hugs. I don't think I'd even mind some constantly-shared details about the latest level of Pokemon.


5. What do I wear to my 20-year HS reunion this weekend, Internet?? Nah, just kidding. Of all the cliche mom-blog topics. I'd show you what I'm considereing, but I can't find, online, the items I bought last week at the Talbot's outlet. One is a silk tank-top with capris, the other is a casual dress (not black). Trying to remember to just be myself, and that we're too old to judge each other based on clothing. We're attending the Saturday "family" beach event (who decided this? Are we supposed to wear swimsuits? The invite says bring towels. I'd like to kick the asses of the planners if so, and I will probably wear shorts), and the Saturday night adults-only party. Skipping the school tour Sunday morning, although that would be fun. I'm sure there will be plenty to write about afterwards. Naturally I have a new zit today.


6. Going home at lunch is simply one of my favorite things. Especially when it contains these three things: Wrapping presents for my widdle boy who will be EIGHT on Sunday (!!!); eating a VIRTUOUS salad of kidney beans, green peppers, tomatoes and Italian dressing for lunch; and watching Wimbledon! That is how it went down today, and it has added quite a bit to my overall assessment of this long Friday.


7.  The things for which I am responsible at my office are not in any way related to life or death. So if that email doesn't get designed/sent today, it's not that big of a deal. If that website isn't updated until Monday, no one will really notice (truly, just about no one will). If those magazine samples aren't mailed out, Who Cares? This kind of freedom is one thing I do appreciate about my job.


Don't miss http://www.conversiondiary.com/ for the Queen of Quick Takes!

Good weeks, lame blog posts

I feel compelled to report that we had a nice vacation, as always. It was even better this year because the kids actually enjoyed the beach, and played carefree in the waves and sand, like normal people! Until this year it's always been toddler-like fits over the feel of the sand and being too scared to go near the water, which, in my opinion, is the only thing that makes being at a beach in the summertime pleasant -- the fact that there's cool water immediately available. We sat together at the water's edge, being regularly cooled by those waves, trying to build sand mountains and knowing they would continue to get knocked down. And trying again. It's a very zen way to sit. :)

We got pink, and then tan, and breathed in as much of that good, clean vacation air as we could. 

This week both the kids are staying at my parents' house. We are all alone, DH and I! We are going to go to a movie on a weeknight! We have eaten delicious Asian food two nights in a row! Bliss! The house is so quiet, though. It's odd. I know they're having fun, extending their vacation. We had to come back to work, but because my H.S. reunion is next weekend, we can go back down to Florida on Friday to pick the kids up.

Yesterday my mind was still fuzzy and I eased back into the work mindset (by scrolling through a lot of Facebook). Thankfully my actual tasks were kept at bay with two meetings and a coworker lunch. Today, however, I'm starting to feel stressed about all the things on my proverbial to-do lists, work and home, although I try not to write those anymore, and particularly not multiple ones. I am also feeling renewed job-angst (you: shocker). Glad that at least tomorrow is a day off! That's nice to come home to. It can't all be blogged here, I guess, and it's a shame, because when I'm feeling stressy and sometimes down, I think I write better posts.

For now, this lame little update will have to suffice. Maybe I can break the angst down into specific chunks and write just about those in the near future. Hmm.