I had a bad afternoon/evening of whining kids and obnoxious kids -- kids who were off their routine specifically because I dragged them off to the mountains for a weekend with MY friends, during which I didn't get nearly enough sleep in order to HAVE FUN andstay up late and drink wine and ENJOY myself.
So last night after one of those, "Child, do NOT do That Thing one more time, do you hear me? Keep your hands to yourself and I mean it!!"
"That thing. [hands flailing]"
I yelled in the WORST way and was a raving lunatic right there in front of both kids' faces. Their voices became very small and their movements hesitant. After kissing them mightily to bed, I gave myself a Time Out in the hot shower, and I cried. I dealt with the parenting shame spiral until my own bedtime, and was so grateful to be given another chance to do better this morning. So, so grateful. I pray I'll do better.
I just wish I could learn this most difficult lesson, once and for all. But I don't think it works that way.
7 comments:
Oh my god, be kinder to yourself! Those times are soooo hard, but every single parent has them. And all the good ones feel terrible and vow never to do it again until a few months later they have had no sleep and the kids are being awful and then the yelling monster appears.
I speak from experience. Being pregnant, my fuse is thisshort. Add to that Wallace's just having started kindergarten and the impending baby and just so much stress with money and jobs and he is constantly goading me and I yell MUCH more than I should.
I will sit with you on the yelling bench and feel guilty too.
Yeah. You always say that (as does my DH), and I thank you. I know, I KNOW you're right! I do! Be kinder to myself, yes! And we're only human, and EVERY parent does it... and all that.
But you know it just feels so surprisingly miserable in the moment.
(And for some reason I always want to write about it. I need to stop that, probably, to fulfil the "be kinder to yourself" advice.)
Yes, this. I hate those moments. They are hard enough without the soul-sucking guilt afterward.
Hugs.
Let's see, what did I say to D last night when I got into bed ... "I just hate spending the last 15 minutes every night before M goes to bed threatening her that she better stay in bed and Momma is tired and I can't tell any more stories and I won't read to her tomorrow morning if you don't go to sleep now and ..." I mean, surely I'm doing something wrong here and certainly not contributing to a pleasant childhood!!! I know, know, know that she doesn't get enough sleep. It's MY fault! I know she would be better, happier, nicer if she got more sleep! It's ALL MY FAULT!!!!! Mommy guilt.
You well remember the disciplinary incidents that still haunt me. And look how well you turned out! No thanks to me, I sometimes think. Nice that you're so generous and we can laugh about them now. xoxoxo
Yes, sometimes I hear myself and I can't believe what I'm saying/doing. So disappointing. Thank God for second chances (and GRACE!).
It's those little faces, somewhat frightened, and their quietness that KILLS ME DEAD after one of my yelling fits.
It is miserable. But I have learned that I feel much better if I apologize to the kids. Just saying "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have yelled like that" makes me feel so much better.
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