Honestly, I could post all day on the topic of working moms. In fact, if WorkIt, Mom offered me a full-time job (that paid the bills), I would consider it heaven.
I found this comment from Moxie's post particularly fascinating, although it shouldn't be a surprise, it's not NEWS, really. Our modern-day version of SAHM-dom is a totally new concept. I hope I don't offend anyone by saying this, but I think it's true, the idea that we can run a household all by ourselves, be directly involved with our kids in scheduled, engaging activities, pursue our own interests on the side, etc., is distinctly different from the way our grandmothers did it (i.e., with help). My fascination with the evolution of feminism and the economy continues. If I were very smart (and not working, ha), I'd write something intellectual about it with sources and citations and theories.
I often talk about my Mom being a SAHM. Well, I need to clarify that. She was a SAHM when we were infants and toddlers, but went to work as a teacher the very DAY my little sister started Kindergarten, and worked all the way through until she just recently retired at age mumblemumble. I want to give her ALL the props she deserves for raising two productive members of society as a WORK OUTSIDE THE HOME Mom! Shout it from the mountaintops! She was a role model to me in that way, though I'm only just now realizing it. She went to graduate school, and so higher education and a career were just something I assumed would be part of my life, and they now are. (Well, not a master's degree, but a career anyway.) And her income was significant to our family operation, as is mine. Thank you, Mom! Also: Solidarity!
As my babies grow up and I move away from that often painful, biological desire to be with them every minute of the day, I'm coming to an end of my jealousy toward the moms who stay at home. (Which was always tempered with, "I don't know if I could even handle that, myself.") I'll never get the time back, I guess, but it's easier to reconcile at this point than it was when my parenthood journey began. I'm grateful as ever for that emotional shift.
It's almost comical to talk about whether or not daycare babies will be affected -- of course they're going to thrive. We had AJ's first grade parent-teacher conference last week. Um... I don't want to brag, but... he seems to be turning out just fine. According to the report and the "results" we're getting so far, I wouldn't change a single thing. ;)
9 comments:
I agree with you. I used to feel so many "negative" feelings about this. I used to think well my mom was this way (a SAHM), that it would make me a better mother if I were a SAHM, that my children would be effected by me not being there more, etc... you name it I believed or felt or thought it at some time between the birth of my son five years ago and now.
The truth is my kids are great! Like your son, my son is doing well in school. He is a well rounded kid. He is well socialized and funny as all get out.
I feel like there is this sense of the grass is greener on the other side for working moms. The truth is it is hard work to be a SAHM and it often not as rewarding as we are lead to believe. That it is lonely unless you live in a community with a large amount of family and friends which many people do not these days given moves for work, etc.
Hence the mommy groups that abound in this country these days. I can tell you my grandmother/mother did not have a mommy group, they did not have play dates. My mother was in this country all of one year before she had my sister and she had to make due with a husband who was often away because he was working to pay the bills. She did not get her GED or college education until we were well into our teens and while I think she loved raising us kids I think there was a sense of failure that this was all she did with her life in some ways.
I guess the LONG of it all is that I hear you sista!!!
Interesting about the "village" mentality and how we've sort of lost that. I know one of the reasons why it's important for me to work is because I GUARANTEE I would isolate myself if I were home. That's just my natural inclination.
It seems like a lot of daughters of SAHMs struggle with guilt if they WOH, which is a bummer. It's certainly true in my group of friends.
For me, in my family of origin, Moms Work. I can't think of a single SAHM in the past several generations, unless she was also a farm wife, which, you know. Might as well be a job outside the home.
Anyway. Even for a relatively guilt-free WOH mom such as myself, it gets easier as they get older, which makes me suspicious of the biology/hormonal aspect of the thing. Story of our lives, I guess.
Tess, interesting point that daughters of SAHMs may struggle with it more. I want to mull that one over; I bet it's right on.
And I would isolate myself, too, I think. Waiting to be invited to do things. Probably not good.
One thing I forgot to note is a comment I got from an older friend (my parents' age) recently -- the typical, "You're still working full-time? ...But you miss so much when they're this little." It stung. Even though I should be somewhat immune to that comment by now, I was pretty ticked that she would say something like that.
One last thing: I will always be jealous of the moms who have summers off. That's the most difficult part, once they're in school. Although I'm sure I've heard that summers get to be rather LONG when you're at home with the kids. Heh. I thought summer felt long and I WASN'T even at home with them!
I worked outside the home until I had our third child. I would have continued working if it made financial sense, but it didn't. I loved my job and I still miss it. But it was a university job and with three kids in daycare ages 2 ,1, and newborn I would have been bringing home 100 bucks if I was lucky! As a stay-home mom I sometimes envy the working moms who can run errands on their lunch breaks, kid-free. I envy the opportunity to be challenged professionally. So, I guess we all wonder what we're missing and sometimes wish we could have the best of both worlds. Part of being a parent is continual evaluation of the job you're doing and if it could be done better, regardless of working circumstances. So keep your chins up working moms--we know you are doing the best you can!
I've been pondering these posts. I like the "painful, biological desire" -- that feels right. I have to keep remembering that my child is thriving, as far as I can tell. And maybe all things work out as they should. She LOVES school -- it would be a real shame if that social kid hadn't gotten to go to school, and I might not have sent her if I'd stayed home. And her grandparents have really enjoyed her, which they wouldn't have gotten to do if I'd been at home. And her relationship with her Dad is blossoming, and since I'm kind of controlling/take-over-y/the take-it-all-on type, that may not have happened if I'd stayed home.
Of course, now I really don't like my job, and that makes it harder. Maybe Darryl and I will be able to explore something different together in a year or two, and just maybe I'll have a more flexible schedule for Madison. I sure hope so.
But I like what you and everyone else has said to help mitigate the guilt we feel. We could all do with less of that.
About the grandparents -- let me say that I'm happy they get to keep her so much, but there's some not so great things about it. I don't want to act like having your parents keep your child is the greatest thing in life and everyone should be so lucky. When my Mom says things like, "I HAVE to get M next week. She NEEDS me," it is kinda annoying. :)
Good point, Sherry. I would have a hard time if my Mom knew more than I did about my kids' everyday activities/first steps/all that.
Plusses and minuses with every situation, that's the FACTS.
A while back someone pointed out to me that the concept of being a SAHM who DOESN'T contribute financially to the family is very new. In past times, moms sewed, taught lessons, raised chickens, or whatever to help supplement the family income. Makes me feel better @ my writing, I'll tell you that. :)
To Rolling Off the Edge...I do think it's hard to compare from one generation to the next. Before a lot of moms went into the work force (outside the home, I mean), I think there was more automatic community in neighborhoods. It wasn't just that; it was also about lack of a/c, which meant people went outside when it was hot, and so on. But all those factors meant that community existed for SAH parents & kids. Now, when half the houses around me are empty during the day (and those with inhabitants are older people), play dates and socialization are a much bigger deal.
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