I can't figure out what's going on with me today. My insides are all knotted and tense, as if I were nervous about something, but there's really nothing to be nervous about.
It might have started this morning while sifting through my work Inbox... we were only away for MLK Day -- one day -- but my Inbox looked like I'd been gone a week. And some of the projects that I'm working on are very unclear, and due now! and unclear. So it could be that.
Another of the projects is a hurry-up! one that I meant to start last week, but there isn't a real deadline, so it's not like I'm behind, it just feels that way... so maybe that got me going.
I had an early meeting with some Europeans on my team. I love those ladies, but the early meetings (they're already in "afternoon" over there) are tough on me. I never have time enough to prepare and always feel disorganized. (Our whole project-tracking system feels disorganized to me, incidentally. I can never find things I'm looking for and there are double-tasks, unassigned tasks, it's a huge mess.)
At lunch, I had to go and re-test my car's Emissions... I had it tested last week (the first time I could get to it since 2016 started), but that was RIGHT after we'd had the catalytic converter replaced, so it didn't pass. Evidently when you have work done, the car's on-board computer has to reboot and re-set itself, and mine wasn't ready. So today, after driving it plenty more, crossing my fingers and holding my breath, I had it re-tested. While I was sitting there in the waiting area, I was literally praying to God to let it pass. Just because I don't need this little additional stress; I didn't see the point of the stress, not even to teach me a lesson about taking care of my car. I do take care of it. (Enough to drive it.) Anyway, it DID pass, and when I got in to drive back to work, I wanted my feeling of nervousness/tension to go away. I thought it would! I was sure that the test, as dumb as it was, had gotten me all worked up.
Apparently not, because I'm back at work and the feeling hasn't let up. I wouldn't have told you this morning that I was stressed. In fact, after yesterday's holiday and a morning with no arguing from Kate or forgetting anything on my way out the door, I would have told you I felt great! Totally calm. I did yoga this morning. I was gentle with myself.
But at the moment I'm still keyed up. Can't get a good breath. I'm trying to listen to my body/feelings, feel them, and even walk away and breathe, talk myself out of it.
So far it isn't working.
2 comments:
It's good to come to your blog today. I have such a good life and I'm so frustrated today! We just got back from a trip to Jamaica funded by Mom and Dad! It was really awesome -- we climbed waterfalls, swam with dolphins (something I have always wanted to do), snorkled, ate and ate, played -- it was so great. And the theatre is going pretty well -- a couple of bad reviews but some good ones too. And then ... Darryl woke up incredibly depressed and angry yesterday -- hating his work and his life and everyone including me. And my sweet daughter has OCD. I have found a good therapist (I hope), and we've been playing phone tag since last week, but I hope I'll talk with her today. Madison isn't miserable, but her life will be better if she is less anxious and worried. And she's having a hard time getting through tests because she feels she has to check and recheck everything. Those two things feel overwhelming right now. I am about to shake it off and get to work, but a-a-a-a-r-r-r-g-g-g-h-h-h-h.
I'm so sorry to hear you're having a hard time. :( Glad you're going to have a therapist's help for Madison. Sweet girl. I know it will do her good. Hang in there. We'll deep-breathe together. In for a count of 4, out for 6... <3
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