So. Ever since AJ was a tiny baby, Husband and I have differed on him, hitting. Not about our son starting a fight -- we've always told him NOT to hit other people/pets/etc. But if he gets hit first by another kid. My instruction has been to tell the other kid to Stop, and Get Away from him/her. Hubby is more along the lines of "he needs to stand up for himself -- hit 'em back."
I know that it's different for little boys (isn't it?), and Daddies want their boys to grow up tough, and I'm okay with that. *I* was never taught by my parents that hitting back is okay. Even when my cousin (a girl) would hit my sister regularly, HARD, we were not instructed that it was okay to hurt her just as much in return.
But I also don't want my kid getting beaten up, which he has been, apparently, in school lately. Some of the bigger, wilder kids do push him, and even kick him. He doesn't know what to do in reaction, and as a result he's acting out at other times of the day, throwing toys, knocking down their blocks, etc. He's clearly frustrated by the situation. He's told me he doesn't know what to do.
DH thinks we've taught him to be a pushover. Here's my response to that, sent in an email ten minutes ago:
...we have told him to be nice, and I STILL SAY that's the right thing to teach a kid. You don't teach your kid to NOT be nice. You have to lay the foundation for moral goodness and in simple terms, that equals "be nice to your friends." At the same time, you're right, I have probably hindered our being able to teach him to stand up for himself because I didn't want him to be the bully. And I completely agree with you that now he needs to know how to do that. (I don't think that before his age, you can teach kids the concept "stand up for yourself." It's too gray when they're toddlers what's real hitting/being mean, and what's just another kid losing control of his arms/legs/balance.) At age four, obviously, there are some kids who are trying to take advantage of their size [big] and of his [small]. And I don't want that to happen. I think the 1, 2, 3 approach is a good one -- Tell the person to Stop, Tell a teacher, and then "do what you gotta do."
You better believe I will be posting/asking/searching about this on the blogs....
I just want to know what you think should be done. Not a "who's right and who's wrong" commentary, but how do we navigate the tricky balance? We're having talks with the teacher today, and of course with each other, trying to come to agreement about this -- and I think we mostly are in agreement -- mostly -- I just feel like I want your experience/opinion on the matter.
7 comments:
Is he in a class with a wide range of ages? If so, I would address a clear separation of kids according to age (e.g. 8-year olds don't need to be in the same room as 4-year olds).
Check out the bookstore/Amazon...there have got to be some children's books out there written FOR children about bullying. I'd also read up on how to develop and encourage self-esteem and confidence in children. I have a book at home that I got for me so I could be prepared if/when Emily is ever in a bullying situation. I'll send you the title when I get home this afternoon.
Having a plan is at the top of the list. Knowing that the steps are ask the kid to stop, tell an adult, defend yourself until you can get to an adult is important. Maybe practice some scenarios with AJ?
Something else that's important here is that you are being proactive. AJ knows that you believe him and want to help him do what is right and good...not just for him but for others. That will pay off as he grows up and faces different challenges with which he might need help. He'll know, based on experience, that he can come to you for guidance.
wow that's tough. I don't have any experience in that regard since my son is only 1 1/2 but I will say that I think you should encourage him to stand up for himself. You guys will have to determine what that means exactly, is it a push back or is it a firm "don't push me" response. Kids are MEAN and I think that running to tell a teacher doesn't empower your son with a feeling of confidence that he can defend himself.
Totally just my 2 cents. We'll see what happens when that strikes over here.
I have 13 year old - basically same story; different age...
Ill be reading the responses.
I like your 1.2.3. approach. Then that beings inthe whole "when to tell, but not be tattle-tale" problem..AARGH the frustration!! I feel YA sister!
I dont know if I should admit this or not but Eric and I have never discussed this .. it is something I am going to think about though ....
what are teachers/parents doing about the kids that are being bullies??? (just wondering)
[also, just to throw this "out there" and not that it solves anything - have you thought about keeping him back and not putting him into Kindergarten next year? maybe give him that "catch up" year since he does a summer b-day??]
Ack! So hard!! I waffle over the same issue myself. Although my son is only 2, I want him to be able to stand up for himself in case of bullying. Yet, I don't want him to become a bully himself, or lose his sweetness. And I never think violence on violence is the answer.
I don't have an answer. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.
What a challenge. I think the your 1, 2, 3 plan is a good one. Ask him what he wants to do when it happens. He might have an idea for what works for him. And I want to know what the teachers think about what is going on--do they have a plan?
I'm kind of late to the party on this one, and unfortunately I don't have any real advice. We went through the same thing recently. I think your 1,2,3 steps were good (mostly because that's the same advice we gave Bubba!) and fortunately for us that worked. Once the teachers stepped in, the bullying stopped.
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