Thoughts, mostly on churchy things

I've started and stopped posts a few times over the course of this month, but never have gone back to finish them. (It turns out I may never write a blog post at home again, I guess. I keep waiting for inspiration to strike in the evening hours, but... nothing. So Lent has meant a full abstinence from blogging, which wasn't the intent -- the intent was to use my work-time more productively.) But it's Monday morning and I never want to just gear up and get to work on Monday. I prefer to eeeeeeease myself into it with some online news reading, some Facebooking, and today, a little blog posting.

Yesterday I hiked up Kennesaw Mountain. All the way to the top, and all by myself. It was a pretty day, and I dropped AJ off at his First Communion workshop at church, and found myself with 2 hours to kill. The mountain is right around the corner so off I went. I had worn good shoes on purpose. The park was FULL of hikers and walkers and picnickers, and it was the perfect day. I am so glad I did it, even though my glutes wanted to kill me, and will probably want to kill me even more by tomorrow! I do love a good walk in the woods, though. It was a long workout AND a mental treat.

This week my manager is out of town, and since I'm the only other team member, I'm hoping things will be relatively quiet at work. (Ha, ha. Doubt it.) And then next week is AJ's Spring Break, for which I have Wed, Th, and Friday off. Hooray!

Of course, a chorister never has Holy Week off, and I'm not really looking forward to all of those committments. I've never made the DH or kids attend any Holy Week services, but I'm thinking this year they should all go to Holy Thursday Mass. They won't like that. I get so much pushback about going to Mass and especially when it's a non-Sunday event. I suppose that's normal for kids. I wish it were more fun for them. Speaking of fun at Mass, at AJ's workshop yesterday, the kids got to taste the bread and wine. You should have seen their faces! Haha! Most of them winced about the wine, but later AJ told me it was the bread that tasted the worst. Like paper, he said, and asked 20 minutes later if he could have some water to wash the taste out of his mouth. "You'll get used to it," I said.

When I was a new communicant (i.e., a kid), I remember I liked to go to different parishes and see what their bread tasted like. ;) I remember when we moved from Texas to Florida, it was a whole new kind of hosts and took a long time to get used to. I hope First Communion will be special for AJ but I'm not trying to push a lot of theology on him. I think part of the reason it works to have 1st Communion at this age, is that it's just simple. They don't need to understand everything about it yet, they just need to be open to it. It's hard to resist telling him all the things I think he should know, and I have let myself babble a few times when we've worked on the at-home lessons, about how it's a gift, and how Jesus wants to be with us, and how we all share in the meal together... and then I try to shut myself up.

It's sweet and somewhat satisfying to watch a child's faith take root in the traditional order, same as it was when I was young. It is also a comfort to send them to Catholic school (or CCD, I imagine, would feel equally comforting), because you know they're getting the catechesis that isn't so easy to just bring up at home in everyday conversation.

Two possibilities

Sometimes when I feel really moody/grouchy, like no one really likes me, and I'm feeling still fat from pregnancies 4 and 8 years ago, and I hate my neighbors, and I don't have the right clothes/shoes, and my kids are monsters, and I hate my job, and 'a day like this is not how my life was supposed to turn out' and and and... I start to wonder if it isn't the Devil himself, using his tools, despair and hatred, to bring me to his terrible dark side. I know that sounds WAY over the top, but what else can it be when those feelings are so far out of the realm of Truth? The Truth says that my life is blessed beyond measure. The Truth is that God loves me and has shown me that in numerous ways! Loving husband! Excellent children! Enough money. Enough food to eat! Plus Friends! Talents! How else, then, could I ever have such dark, awful feelings?

Of course, rational people don't normally talk about the Devil. (Even though rational people are allowed to talk about God.) I don't know. To say that Despair and Hatred are tools of the Devil makes an awful lot of sense to me.

But then, to write those feelings off as "not of myself," but of the Evil one, is much too easy. I get off scott-free if I blame him. Although I WOULD like to blame him. So then I think, well, I am weak. I have been sorely tempted to feel those things, and I have given in! I have wallowed, even. Nearing closer and closer to the dark side. (Ohhh, the Catholic conscience. Sheesh.)

So that's when I pray for strength to NOT BE TEMPTED. Or... for forgiveness. Is feeling depressed/moody/grouchy sinful? I don't know. I don't WANT that to be true, for me or for others who have much worse bouts of depression. It seems extreme. I am pretty sure there are some biochemicals involved, as well. But at least for me, sometimes, I think it is sinful. Giving in to Despair means rejecting Joy, and rejecting God and His love. (I guess... Gosh, could it get any worse? Feeling bad about feeling bad??)

On a smaller scale, it's part of what I'm working on this Lent. Fighting the dark side with a small LOL in brackets. Putting Good Thoughts out into the world and rejecting the mean ones, even just with my co-workers : There are some who drive me crazy. CRAZY. When I see them coming, my mind automatically goes "BLEH, there comes Crazy Suzy. SO annoying, I hate how XX she is." I don't say  mean things, mind you. I'm trying to fight that (hatred/despair) thought-response and instead think, "[record scratch] ...Crazy Suzy is a mom like me; she's trying her best today to get it all done." or "Crazy Suzy deserves for me to be kind to her."

-----

Other times when I'm moody, I realize I haven't exercised in several days and I could really use an endorphin boost. Because, truly, if there's one thing I've learned in the last year, it's that exercise helps balance my outlook, and if I don't get enough of it, that's when I get grouchy and stressed. (And mean! Watch out, husband; watch out, coworkers!)


It's hard to tell which of these two things it really is.

Whew. Scheduling.

I've been in a scheduling tizzy for 2 or 3 days since February is when you have to start planning Spring Break and summer camp activities, for the love. February! Thank goodness we had that extra day this year or I might not have managed it. I was bitten by the summer camp bug because a friend -- a real live friend, a school mom that I like and have even been to her house a couple of times and she to mine, so it's like, really real friends! ;)... mentioned that she was looking at Camp Sunshine and was anyone else interested in looking with her? So I jumped. Clicked right through to that Camp Sunshine website. I have been thinking that AJ, being 7 now, might be looking for a little more variety in his summertime schedule, rather than the same old, same old daycare "summercamp" he has now attended 3 times.

When I mentioned this to him, of course, he said, "But I'll be a SENIOR camper this year!" hahaha. Color me wrong, then, I guess he thinks that Senior daycare camp is a lot different from Junior daycare camp, which... I doubt it. But anyway...

So Camp Sunshine (not its real name) is about an hour away, has a good organization behind it, good outdoor adventuring and other values that it teaches, and has archery. The archery is what AJ is interested in. These are the things I learned in the 30 minutes I spent peeking at their website during work hours on Monday (Lent promises didn't include random web surfing!). And the cost seemed QUITE reasonable. I mean, I don't know what I was expecting, but less than $700 for a week sounds like a bargain to me, actually, for a sleepaway summercamp. No idea why, it isn't like I've done a lot of research.

My friend and I wanted to be sure that our boys get in on the same week, and in the same cabin, so we've been back and forth, meanwhile trying to convince the boys that they do really want to try it, and convince our husbands that the kids can handle it (both dads are a bit more hesitant than us moms, which I find sweet/odd)... and I've felt a little panicky about it.

But today, we decided on a week, and I got AJ registered and and my $100 deposit paid. Whew.

THEN at dinner, when KT was telling us about ballet, which she has on Thursdays, I remembered about her spring recital. Her very FIRST ballet recital.

DOOM.

If we go forward with the camp, AJ leaves on Sunday, June 3rd, and I was convinced that the recital was the same day. Seems logical, a kids' recital on a Sunday afternoon. I was absolutely crestfallen, thinking we'd have to split up the duties, and I take AJ to camp since it was my idea (can't just let him ride with a friend for his FIRST TIME) while DH watched KT in her FIRST TIME on a stage, without me. OMG, can you imagine?? I mean, sure there's HD video but OMG. Not to mention sweet big brother, asking if we would please take video so he could watch the recital after he returned from [this new] camp [that Mommy seems really excited about but I'm still not quite sure...]. Heartbreak!

I guess I worried it enough to make it better, because after I came home from choir rehearsal I looked up my paperwork for ballet, and the recital is actually on Saturday, June 2, THANK THE LORD ABOVE.

Really, having panic attacks about my JUNE schedule right now?! A little much. (Not to even mention the fact that I think my baby is old enough to go away to sleepaway camp for a week... don't I? Isn't he? Eek.)

Lenten fast... fast!

I'm updating quickly so you'll know why the long silence - I have given up blogging, Google Reader, and Sparkpeople.com, the three sites where I manage to waste the most of my workdays, for Lent. During workday hours only. It turns out the last thing I want to do after work is turn on the computer. Go figure. I don't want to completely lose touch with the Internet for 40 days, but I do need to trim down the time I spend goofing off from 9 to 5. Heh. Plus, I couldn't bear the thought of giving up tortilla chips, which was the other thing I considered.

I got over my cold. AJ and KT both seem to have the sniffles now so I'm avoiding them. (Kidding.)

This past weekend we did nothing. NUH-THING. I let the kids totally zone out on Disney teen comedies (awesome parenting). I dusted the house and sang at 2 Masses, but that's about it. It was lovely.

There are a lot of things percolating in my brain (possible kitchen cabinets redo, my to-do list for 2012, my j-o-b)... but I will have to wait until later to decide if I want to blog about them.

Gotta run!

The plan for Not Getting Sick Anymore in 2012

Just to recap, here are the illnesses I have endured in the past 4 months:

1. Nov 1 through, oh, I don't know, the 30th? or longer? Deep, hacking cough that worried the grandmas in my church choir, every time we gathered. (antibiotic Z-pack).
2. Dec. 25 - 30: Sore throat (lost my voice) that didn't materialize into much else, because of the power of my Dad's Hot Toddies.
3. Jan 17 - Feb. 1: That's three weeks, y'all -- Double ear infection! (antibiotics! Amoxicyllin).
4. Feb. 12 - 17:  Garden-variety cold. Stuffy nose, small cough. (Dayquil FTW.)

I mean, WHAT THE HECK, people? I don't go around licking the doorknobs of public restrooms or anything like that! I eat fruits and vegetables and lean proteins and leafy greens. I don't kiss my kids on the mouth when they're sick. But somehow I am not providing a strong enough defense, and starting this week I am going to remedy that. I will be FIGHTING the GERMS in an active and pre-meditated way -- that's right, pre-meditated. If one could get arrested for killing a germ, I would get a life sentence after today. The Plan:

1. Take my stinking daily multivitamin. I hate those big, fat horse pills. DH used to dole them out to me in the morning, and I'd stick it in my pants pocket to save until lunch, when I had a drink handy, and then I'd forget. ALWAYS. The pill would drop onto the floor when I hung up my pants before bedtime every night. Or I'd store it in my jewelry dish for the next day. Questionable tactic. I've stopped doing that; instead I keep my vitamins at work now, on my desk, and take it first thing when I get here. But I still hate them. I have seen the Adult Gummies, but have mixed feelings. Do they really just taste like a gummy? I suspect not. I might give them a try when I finish this bottle of One-A-Day-like Target brand Women's Daily, but... come on. A gummy? Am I five years old?
2. Take Vitamin C daily. This is a plan I like. I keep a bag of the Halls Vitamin C drops in my cabinet, and a stash of them in my purse, at all times. I can commit to having one of those daily, especially the grapefruit flavored ones.
3. Continue washing my hands and be even more diligent about it. Okay, I admit there are times when I go into the restroom at work and  (don't be grossed out) don't use soap. I rinse quickly, but I know I'm going to squirt some hand gel on my hands as soon as I'm back at my desk, so sometimes I feel like it's unnecessary to also soap up. I do love the anti-bac hand gel. But from now and forevermore: soap. Every single time.
4. Continue drinking lots of water. I typically drink at least 48 ounces a day (plus other drinks, which may or may not count toward the total - does anyone know for sure?), and I do think this helps wash the ick out of our systems.
5. And finally, this is going to be the big one: GET 7 HOURS of SLEEP as many nights as possible. Not on the couch, but in my bed. It's so HARD to go to bed at 10:00 pm but everything I read says 7 hours improves the immune system greatly. Specifically, this means I'll need to not sit down (something I've needed to work on for a long time, anyway) after 8:30 pm, in order to get anything done in that hour and a half. So goodbye, lolling about on the couch. Goodbye, cozy afghan.

Hello, clear sinuses and better health. I hope. If I get any type of cold the rest of this year, I am going to be TICKED.

Now we are four.

When we woke you up this morning, whispering, "It's your birthday!" in the dark, you rolled over and with your eyes still closed, said, "I don't ca-are!" It wasn't mean-spirited of you to say that, it was just.... you. It was Chapter Two in the same story from yesterday morning: I came to your bed and said, "KT, it's time to wake up..." and you said, "Don't TELL me what day it is. I already KNOW."

You already know so many things, my little Valentine. My big girl. You know how to read a few words, and you know to drag your finger along the words of a book, but sometimes you don't drag it on the actual words -- or page, even -- that I'm reading. That's okay. We're still learning and you'll know all about reading soon, too.

You already know how to be an artist. You're so into coloring right now - it's all you want to do. In fact, last night, right before bedtime, you wanted to go back downstairs and when I asked why, you said, "I just want to color something." It makes it sound like you are easily pleased.

(Pardon me while I laugh.) You're not easily pleased! You want things just so, your way, and right now -- and you're not afraid to say so. We're doing our very best to help you make good choices, dear girl, but sometimes none of us gets it right. The dramatics of being a four-year-old girl will, I'm sure, be a learning experience for me, particularly, this year, since I was a perfect child, after all. Like I always tell you. Like my mother has always told me about herself as a child. ;) I pray that I'll be able to remain gentle and patient, and know when to give and when to stand firm.

Some things I want to preserve in a snapshot of you, right now:

• you still sometimes say, "Those are mines," plural. We love saying, "mines," too.
• you like me to stir up your yogurt so it's extra smooth (when you deign to eat yogurt). You like your ice cream stirred up, too (just like your Grandmommy).
• your favorite thing is to have a snack (dry cereal or Pop Tarts) on the couch, and your Daddy's least favorite is the crumbs you always leave there.
• you adore your daddy, and generously give him his hugs and cuddles and raise your hand FIRST when he asks, "Who's Daddy's girl?"
• you like to play with your Barbies and Disney princesses, and you're getting better at changing their clothes yourself.
• you still don't really like to have your hair put in a ponytail, but you do wear headbands sometimes, and leave them on all day. You can put them on all by yourself.
• you sing to yourself and make up words, and they typically include, "...for you, for the United States of America, everything is beautiful..."
• you're still our little bossy one. I think you have the best time at school, telling the other kids what to do. I know they love you, though; I can tell that you have lots of friends.
• you're learning ballet. Last week you came home and knew the word, "arabasque," and my heart fluttered a little. (I was also happy to learn, a few months ago, that they still teach "boogie woogie" in ballet.) We can't wait for your first recital in June!
• you adore your brother, and love when he'll let you read with him, or play Ninjago, or watch him play his DS.
• you're stubborn, that's for sure... but also, it turns out, very loving. Last night when I was feeling snuffly and needed to lie down under a blanket, you brought me my Boppy (my own baby blanket that now lives in your room), and carefully put heart stickers on my hands, and we were the special girls.

 Happy fourth Birthday, KT baby! We are going to have so much fun.

Put me in, COACH

Girls, I have a really huge first-world problem. I don't know how to feel about COACH bags!

I mean, viscerally, I love them. They're mostly beautiful, especially the ones that are not trying to be whimsical. They were born in the 1970s, as was I. What's not to love about that? And the one item I do like to buy for myself is purses. I don't have a closet full of shoes like a lot of women, but my DH will confirm, I have drawers full of purses. Some recently from thirty-one, many from Target and Nine West. None from Coach.

On the other hand, now that it's been a million years since I decided I wanted one, EVERY PERSON ON EARTH and at my grocery store seems to have one, and I don't. And now, unfortunately, when I see one I get more ticked off than covetous, which makes me think I don't want one anymore.

How come everyone else has a COACH bag? In this economy?? Do people really pay three hundred ninety eight (!!!!) dollars at Macy's for them, or are they shopping at the cheapy-peepy-discount-Coach-online store, like I'm about to consider doing?

What's the deal? Are they cliche at this point? Would I be cooler if I did, or did NOT have one? Enlighten me, fashionistas. What do you think about Coach and do YOU have one?

Easy Fridays

I have done nearly nothing today, except conduct a couple of phone conversations for an assignment that isn't due until April. I am bascially using up power today in this office, and not much else.

*slight guilt*

But my manager's working at home, it's grey outside and most everyone else is quiet, too.

I went out at lunchtime, got a turkey sandwich and ate it in the lunchroom with a magazine. That's a luxury I rarely allow myself - eating in the lunchroom. Of course, most days it's crowded and loud and not restful to me, but today I guess I picked the right window of time because no one was in there. (I worked out yesterday so today's a day off.) I could have done another errand and then eaten at my desk, but opted out. Downtime at lunch is a good thing.

This evening after an easy dinner of leftovers, DH is helping set up for the pinewood derby tomorrow, AJ's going to a movie night at his karate studio, and KT and I are probably going to go out for ice cream. Then maybe I can convince her to lay in my bed with me and watch a movie, or maybe we can read Paddington Bear.

I am very grateful for days like today.

Brilliant solutions

I always feel a little embarassed after posting a "help me" question like I did yesterday; I have been at this parenting thing for nearly 8 years now, shouldn't I know what to do for toddler tantrums, for Pete's sake?? But maybe the act of putting it out there -- NO, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO -- was more like a spoken prayer that God or the Universe (as everyone likes to say) could actually answer, and they did -- I was gifted with an idea.

Just a small one, but still: I moved a small, rarely used lamp from the dining room into our kitchen, and put it on a timer for 5:30 am. That way, by the time we get to the kitchen with sleepy eyes at 6:00, there is a nice, soft light already waiting for us and no one will be able to scream "TURN IT OFF, IT'S TOO BRIGHT, MOMMY!" Excellent solution, if I do say so myself, and it even looks like I've put that lamp there for decorative purposes -- I always love "re-decorating" just by moving things around a bit.

KT was all smiles this morning when she saw that lamp and how well it solved her problem.

AJ, on the other hand, decided today for the first time, that HE would whine about the TV being too bright. AYFKM

(And naturally KT decided to balk at the outfit that SHE, HERSELF, chose last night before bedtime, according to the published rules of every parenting "morning rush-hour" article ever written on the Internet. "I DON'T WANT A TURTLENECK ANYMORE, MOMMY!!! UNH!! THESE SHOES DON'T FEEL RIGHT!")

Hahahahahahahaha. I swear: Crapshoot.

Happy Days, Tortilla Chips, Morning Routines

That video I posted and my list of reminders from the previous entry might have made it seem like things were stressful or sad around here, but they haven't been. We have had a lot going on, it's true, but I'm finding a way through it without much emotional impact. Ta-da. Except that of realizing I haven't been listening to any good country music lately, and that is very sad indeed! My friend loaned me 3 Lady Antebellum CDs, so I had an earbuds party at my desk late last week. I immersed myself in their wonderful sound and lyrics, and DID get emotional about how good my life is, how happy I am to have my husband, my kids, etc., ... you know how country music does that? Especially when they throw in a line (and they always do) about "hitting your knees," and especially when that coincides with your baby boy making his First Penance (happily, not scared), and feeling like we are developing a little 'family' vibe at our church and all. Good stuff.

As far as daily stress is concerned, I've learned that if I'm ahead by one day -- as in, doing the homework for Wednesday on Tuesday night -- that is acceptable. And by "homework" I don't mean AJ's homework, which I firmly believe is HIS to do, but my own. My homework includes whatever forms have to be turned in, checks and payments, errands, and workout clothes. I go to the grocery store at 9:30 pm after choir practice when there is a Teacher Appreciation event the next morning. I'd rather be MORE ahead than 8 hours, but if 8 hours cuts, it, then I'm cutting it.

It's all good, is what I'm saying. And KT's birthday presents will get purchased the day before her birthday, if necessary. (Although I do already have plates/napkins/tablecloths and favors, woo hoo!)

----
Sunday night we attended the annual Superbowl party with our good friends across town. There were a million tortilla chips at that party, let me tell you. And OPTIONS for said chips: taco dip, sausage-Rotel dip, buffalo dip, and spinach-artichoke. Perhaps we need to coordinate better next year. In fact, I think next year I will bring stuffed mushrooms instead. Not that it wasn't delicous! I enjoyed it plenty! I even enjoyed the game/commercials, when I could hear them. Good grief, I know it's a party, but I wanted to say SHHHHH more than a few times. It was the adults -- the kids were all outside in the 60-degree weather, not being bothersome at all.

----

My KT bug, my little sweetheart, is being equal parts delectable and infuriating right now. She colors. She colors CONSTANTLY, and if she isn't coloring, she's asking you to draw her "something pretty" to color. I am doing a very lot of this:

...and I love it. I am a huge fan of coloring and I love seeing her work so hard at it, coloring in all the white spaces, choosing just the right shade for this and that. It's fascinating to watch her.
But when it's bedtime or first thing in the morning, she continues to test my patience in every way possible. I am brainstorming to make some changes, and I will certainly ask her how we should work together to solve, most specifically, the morning tantrums (today she told me "Unh! I don't LIKE you!" and I plainly answered, "You don't have to like me.") -- but I would like to ask you about YOUR morning routine, especially if you have or have ever had, a four-year-old girl (or boy, I'm not picky). Please share if you have particular strategies that are awesome and calm-morning-making. We tend to fight about the fact that the light is too bright, the fact that she doesn't WANT blueberries for her breakfast snack, the injustice that it's her brother's turn to sit in that chair, and the problem of playing with a castle when it is time to get dressed. Just for your reference. Also for your reference, she hardly ever fights with her Daddy about these things. He tends to use a stronger voice with her than I do (because if I do, everything just escalates and includes, "You're scaring me") but otherwise I think we typically use similar tactics. Counting to three, giving choices, etc. Sigh.

I think, about parenthood, it's never quite a smooth boat trip. It's always listing to one side or the other. And I don't do seasick so well.

This.

Absolutely pierced me last night when I heard it for the first time. The video's too much to bear. I suggest closing your eyes and just listening.

Reminders

Print out the school's PDF and highlight books I think AJ will like, on his reading level, so that he will stop saying he "can't find" any Accelerated Reader books in the library, and CHECK OUT A BOOK, for the love.

Work with AJ on his King Penguin shoe-box diorama (kill me), due Wednesdsay.

Ask daycare for a list of KT's classmates; address invitations for her birthday party.

Bring various items to school on various days, for various volunteer and service projects. (So. many. different. projects! I mostly hate Catholic Schools' Week.)

Buy KT some more dresses because she is refusing all pants and t-shirts lately (she wants to "be pretty, Mommy"). I don't have the energy to fight with her on this and I don't mind buying them.

Buy AJ some new uniform sweatpants because they have now become high-waters (regular uniform pants took that road 3 months ago). Thank God that he's growing, and continue praying for it.

Don't skip my running at lunchtime, at least THREE TIMES THIS WEEK, SELF.

Go to the makeup store to see if they have something miraculous for the horrifying depressing dark circles that have recently appeared under my eyes. At 37.5, I guess I'm not surprised.

Figure out what dish to take to the annual Super Bowl party next Sunday. Buffalo dip (fun)?? Or veggies (smart/sad trumpet)?

Also take an adult beverage to that party.

Smile.

Clogged and Clammed Up, but Excited...

Ear status: Still frakking clogged.


No, I am not kidding. The doctor gave me amoxicillin, the weakest of the antibiotics, so I hear (HA), and so far I have experienced zero relief. She said it might take up to 3 weeks. Once in a while if I perform the Valsalva Maneuver (which I did not know had a crazy name! until last week), I can get a nice crackle and pop on the right side, and hear a little better out of that one for 30 minutes. But it doesn't last and isn't worth the possibility of blowing brains out my eyes when I do it, so I don't, very often.

Aren't I lovely? I'm really over this.
---------------

We have exciting news in our family -- BIL and SIL are having a baby! They just announced it officially last night, but we have secretly known for a few weeks and been saying some prayers since they miscarried a few years back. I actually didn't think they would try again, but they did, and she's now at 12 weeks. I'm going to be an AUNT! I thought maybe I never would, officially, although I do have some sweet little cousins-once-removed who have called me Auntie Lee-Lee in the past.

We hung up the phone last night with them, and DH said, "She sounded nervous." OH, do I ever remember that feeling, when you're first starting to tell people! It's SUCH a secret, and if it's your first baby, you've never told anyone a secret like this before. And it's personal besides, letting everyone including your in-laws know what you've been DOING! Shock! So it's uncomfortable in so many ways. I don't blame her for feeling nervous.

Besides all that, SIL never really talks to us on the phone - the brothers talk, but not us girls so much. Maybe I'll have to remedy that and become more attentive to her as she begins to experience motherhood. I've wanted to be close to this SIL -- she doesn't have a sister of her own, only brothers -- but I'm so NOT a phone person anymore, and we don't live in the same city, and she's not really (from what I can tell) an email person -- so that all makes it hard.

We do share quite a bit in common. Both like to read, and cook, both go to sleep early (her, intentionally, me, by accident most nights), both try to workout regularly (she has more success than I do), both quiet, for the most part. I like her very much and I know I'm lucky in that.

But even last night, I felt like my brain clammed up and I didn't quite know what to say. I kept saying, "That is so great, we are so happy for you...." and I truly meant those things, but I couldn't think what else you're supposed to offer at this stage. Is that weird? I didn't want to say the WRONG thing, and of course I asked her how she'd been feeling and her due date, but... isn't that it, at this point? Oh, right, and "are you going to find out if it's a boy or a girl?" I think they volunteered that info (they are). I don't know. I hope I haven't forgotten everything about being pregnant, and that I can think of all the right things to say if she asks me for any advice (which I hope she does). I feel like I HAVE forgotten. (Thank God, right?) I'm going to email her right now and hopefully sound sincere in offering whatever I can do.

An Aunt! And DH an UNCLE!!

I can't hear you

My ears are stuffed with cotton. They have been for 3 days now, so I'm going to the doctor today. I expect she'll pull a Mac truck out of the left side. Last night when I lay down with Kate, my head/left ear was on her fluffy fleece blanket, which obviously muffles sound. When I lifted my head up after about 10 minutes, there was no change in the muffled-ness of my hearing on that side. No change! Sigh. This morning when I woke up it felt like something was sloshing around in that one (braaaaaains?????) but it has since stopped.

I just want to apologize IF I AM YELLING. Because seriously, I cannot hear a damn thing.

-------------------

This week I have arrived at the chapter in my Organizational/Productivity book (yes, still reading it), where you zero out your Inbox. I am excited and nervous. I am terrible about keeping every email I get. And I have 4 different Inboxes, total, so that's a lot of useless storage. Has anyone ever done this? I am planning to say, "I'm sorry, all my old emails got deleted, you'll need to resend" if I get into any sort of email-needing-situation.  

-------------------

Yesterday I spent a good portion of my lunch hour more time than I should have reading the articles and looking at the pictures NPR posted for their special report, Russia By Rail. I've never been that interested in Russia, its language or its culture, but this report (I heard it on the radio first) was excellent. I feel like I understand the cultural climate there better, and I was surprised how well I can relate to the people's mindset, as reported in this article, anyway. It talks about how the younger generations there (30s, 40s) want to see change in Russia's government and economy, but they're not really ready to fight for that change, or take drastic measure themselves. They'd rather kind-of wait and see what happens. And this is exactly how I have felt about my husbands' and my jobs. Both of us would probably like to sweep everything away and start over in different careers, doing something we love, but neither of us is at all willing to get crazy, which is what it would require to facilitate that kind of big change. So we just kind-of wait. See what happens.

I think I like the Russians.

I can't imagine wearing the fur coats all the damn time, though like the folks in Siberia and Vladivostok (love that word and how it feels to say it!). I'm wearing a turtleneck today and it's already making me a little claustrophobic at 8:04 a.m.

--------------------

When KT is bored with something, she says, "bored out." I love this phrase and think all of us should start saying it. "I'm bored out, y'all." No idea where she got that but it's perfect.

--------------------

I read on Dr. Google that if you think your child has an ear infection, you should make sure they get plenty of rest and don't exert too much. Naturally that means I haven't run yet this week. Haven't run since last Thursday, in fact. I am super-bummed about it, but I know that in the C25K program, they allow for repeating weeks. Life happens. I think I'd rather get well first, run 6 minutes straight later. I am not quitting.

Twelve-fifteen on the treadmill

It's almost time for me to head downstairs to the treadmill. On Tuesday I did my Couch-to-5K run and a miracle occurred: I ran for five minutes without stopping! I should say, "jogged," because I'm keeping the pace NICE AND SLOW, but people, this is -- truly -- a brief miracle. Five minutes!

I just wanted to TRY the program. I wasn't convinced I could actually do it. And I'm only halfway there, I guess there's still no guarantee I will finish it. But all of a sudden I realized: this form of exercise which I have heretofore abhorred and decried (yes, THAT dramatic), is the only kind of exercise that's given me a feeling of accomplishment, in great measure. When I did the 30-Day Shred I was proud for slogging through it; glad when I could get through Level Three (or heck, even Level One's cardio segments were a killer), but I definitely didn't feel like I wanted to do it any FURTHER. It's just punishment. Miserable. And she yells at you. And thus, after about 25 days or so, I basically stopped.

Plain-old walking, my typical exercise of choice, is perfectly fine, but utterly devoid of the sense of achievement.

But with this, somehow I feel each success -- even with all the yucky sweating and the bad music that the Christian Alternative C25K podcaster-guy chooses (horrible! I really need to download something else) -- and it altogether encourages me. Endorphins for the win! It makes me excited to try again, and see how far I can get. Can I do six minutes? I think maybe by next week I CAN.

I don't know who I am anymore! *back of hand to forehead, wilts to nearby chaise lounge*

(I hope it lasts.)

Grumpy pants (little things)

I have the blahs today. Everyone at my office is annoying, and the work I do is stupid and not inspiring (today), and the people in charge are horrible. In fact today was described to us as a special holiday, office closed... but then the people in charge changed their minds. So I feel like I shouldn't have to be here but I AM.

My throat has been sore basically since Christmas. I don't have other symptoms so I don't feel it's necessary to go to the doctor. But I'm tired of having a sore throat.

The weather's dreary, and I feel fat and unsuccessful at losing a single pound, even though I limited myself to ONE bowl of chili during yesterday's football games when I would have gladly had two, and that doesn't seem fair.

KT fussed at me all morning and cried because of a variety of things, but mostly because she is 3.

I woke up at 3:17 this morning and thought, "Oh, good, I still have 2 hours PLUS left to sleep." But then I couldn't fall back asleep for at least 30 minutes and I just lay there and stewed about how many minutes I was LOSING.

And I have errands to do at my lunch hour, which prevents me from working out at lunchtime, and that pisses me off. I know that a good shot of endorphins would help my mood. I should go for a couple of 10 minute walks, I KNOW, but guess what? I couldn't carry my gym bag (with shoes) this morning because of all the other crap I had to carry. No shoes = no walking because the shoes I did wear are not even very comfortable.

I read yet ANOTHER article about how we should never eat anything processed, ever, because the big farms and commercial food processing plants are EVIL and FILTHY and horrible, and normally I would dismiss reports like that as bullshit, but today I wondered if maybe it isn't true, and I don't WANT to believe any of that so why do the reports keep coming out? (Don't answer.)

I think my mood is actually getting worse as I type, so I'd better sign off. I hate Mondays.

Books for 2012

I want to do more intentional reading this year. I miss my Kindle. I bought The Hunger Games triology in hardback because they were clearly worth having/preserving. Although I finished them in about 3 weeks, that was right before the weekends of Christmas shopping and planning, and then celebrating. I picked up another book during the holidays (21: Bringing Down the House), and it's been good so far but I'm not quite into the thick of it yet. It's in paperback, besides... so, short story long, I haven't been on the Kindle in a long while. Not since Still Alice, I think, which was a great book but many months ago in my life!

So I've been thinking about the books I want to read in 2012. Of course the resolution I didn't write down but did actually think about -- and the one which is likely most important for having a good year -- is to grow closer to God and to nurture my faith. But the task of doing that on my own, just by adding a regular prayer-time to every day...? Probably not very realistic. (Definitely not very realistic.) Then I thought, "HEY, I could read an inspiring BOOK to help accomplish that end! Perfect!" Two birds, one stone, right?

And finally, the third reason is that my dear, darling Book Club has somehow not met for about 4 months now. This is the longest I think we've gone on a break, and yes, our kids are all older and busier now, and we know we'll get together again someday, but I think it's time to send out an email and see what the deal is! And get some book recommendations from that end!

So, here is a list of some books I'd like to read. I'm drawing some of these from the excellent lists I've seen around the blogosphere, like Lag Liv's, and Bessie V's, and Jennifer Fulwiler's! But please, feel free to chime in and suggest others!

The Girl Who Stopped Swimming, Joshilyn Jackson. I have loved her other books and it's wayyyyy past time for me to read this one. The title alone is completely intriguing and it's been in the back of my mind since before it was published.

Sharon Kay Pennman: Here Be Dragons Thank you, RRA and LagLiv! Historical fiction is my absolute favorite and I can't wait to try this author.

Committed, by Elizabeth Gilbert. I think I read Eat, Pray Love in 2011. It was fantastic. I have heard this one's even better.

Love in the Ruins: Walker Percy. This one came from Jennnifer's list of book recommendations from Catholic bloggers, hot off the press!

He Leadeth Me by Walter Ciszek. Jennifer recommends this one a lot and I think it sounds fascinating. Probably for Lent (as she suggests).

Golden Bones by Sichan Siv. The author is married to a high school friend of my Mom's, and this has been on my shelf a while. It's not my usual fare and I will likely need something to separate it from He Leadeth Me, as they're both about wrongfully imprisoned men. Might be a little much for one year but we'll see.

Bossypants, Tina Fey, since everyone else already read it. :)

Maybe something from Jodi Picoult, because it's been a while, and I have liked everything I've read of hers.


What else should I be reading?

2012 Goals

There are a few things on my list this year that I didn't mention. So I don't forget them:

1. Learn how to make real frosting. We made a cake for New Year's Eve and I used Pillsbury's canned chocolate frosting. I'm sorry, Pillsbury, in general I do love you, but I've decided that canned frosting is not worth my $2.49.
2. Have our giant yard sale and clean up the basement.
3. Get my personal business files in order and create The Spreadsheet.
4. Contact a law office and get our wills written.
5. Continue working out and possibly run a 5K. Possibly, I said.
6. Do better with vegetables and my kids. (KT ate - and loved - spinach yesterday though! Cooked spinach!)
7. My photo albums. This will be finished by the end of January, so help me God.
8. Finish replacing all the blinds in our house. (There are a few rooms with old-style, crumbling venetian (metal) blinds, and I hate them.)
9. Paint/redecorate the master bath.
10. Clean all the tile/grout. Three bathrooms, one toothbrush, hands and knees. I haven't done it in a very long time and it shows!!

Ta-da!! The 2011 Year-End Meme, slighly shortened

Oh, I seeee... people are getting weary of the Questionnaire. Think they don't NEED that old antiquated MEME any more, now that the Internet's all grown up and we can do it our own selves. Well. Back in MY day...

You know, I agree. I guess I'm a little tired of the format, too, but how else do we start?

Overall, I would say that 2011 has been a great year -- I can't complain, truly. We did have a broken arm situation, and some financial stuff that was annoying in our immediate vicinity, but other than that no major troubles! Woo hoo!


1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
The aforementioned broken arm was new! I never broke a bone and had no idea how that all works. In fact I had previously worried, as one might when one's never gone into labor before, "How will we KNOW if it's bad enough to go to the hospital?" Now I know. I also helped throw a surprise 70th birthday party for my Dad -- never done that before. :) I took the week of Spring Break off work to spend with AJ. I want to do that every year now!

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Last year I was feeling smug and forlorn at the same time, and so I made very simple resolutions which I mostly kept. I said then, flossing more than 'hardly ever' will be EASY. Heh. I did floss a little bit more than the previous year, so I WIN. I ate a bit more yogurt in 2011, yes, but I still don't love it. Eh. Who really cares. And my 2 dinner parties, I think, happened. One of them was very early in the year, and the other was Christmas dinner which barely counts, since it was hosting my parents... but I say Win.
Funnily enough, although I REFUSED to make a health-kick "Resolution" last year, I did do better overall in 2011 than ever before. I know I have mentioned that I signed up for Sparkpeople.com, and it did help me in many ways, stick to my routine. I was quite faithful February through May, then the hot months came along and it was harder, but I used the treadmill and didn't really backslide until September/October/November. I started the Couch to 5K in the end of November and I'm still trying to do that. So perhaps the answer is DON'T RESOLVE, JUST DO.

(Good grief, this is just the 2nd question! I may skip several of them.)
No one close to me gave birth, or died, and I visited no countries.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
I always say "Lottery winnings" but I will also include Solid Nights' Sleep more often than not. This year was a tough sleep year.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
This sounds ridiculous, but Feb 21st is my "Sparkiversary" (haha, embarrassed glancing as I use nerdy insider terminology) and I'm trying to have made some real progress/success by 2/21/12;
June 10 - the weekend of, because we were all together with my parents and sister/brother-in-law, and that rarely happens;
Sept. 11 -- the 10th anniversary was quite a Thing, wasn't it? Our community did a big display of 3,500 US flags in a huge park, and it was breathtaking. We drove by it every day for a week.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I hate to say this but there was a work project that took a huge majority of my time, but it was/is successful and made me look good to my peers. I am proud of it, although I wasn't the only one on the committee. I also have to cite our PAINTING project at home, because it was so long in the making and changed the look of that room so pleasantly/dramatically.

9. What was your biggest failure?
This doesn't keep me up at night, but we did fail to save as much money as we would have liked this year, and also failed to get our wills written. That is going to be a HUGE goal for 2012 -- the wills, I mean. We've been meaning to do it for (gulp) 7 years at least, since AJ was born.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Boring question, and no.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
We bought DH a new car in January, and it's been so good for him to drive something cool and not my old beat-up '97 Corolla. I think he feels like a real man again. Ha. We also bought a new refrigerator (awesome), a new water heater (unexpected) and a new water main line (lame)! So I've now answered the next question.
12. Where did most of your money go?

13. What did you get really excited about?
Seeing Guys and Dolls in August. I love the theater and especially that show. We were so excited to watch AJ's car win the Pinewood Derby in February! And I was on pins and needles when my sister came in THIRD in her first triathlon of the year! We were watching her times online and it was almost as exciting as being there! So awesome. I got really excited/emotional about that, for sure.

14. What song will always remind you of 2010?
The soundtrack of "Tangled,"which is great, and the Good Luck Charlie theme song, which is not that great. KT plays those two shows on Forever Repeat every chance she gets.

15. Compared to this time last year, are you: Happier or Sadder: Happier. I think the kids are getting to the age where DH and I are getting some of our old life back. I mean, a little bit... As much as you can when one of them's still under 5... but still. It's something.
Thinner or Fatter: Same I think.
Richer or Poorer: Poorer, probably. Cost of groceries really seems to be increasing significantly. Or is that just me?
16. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Fun activities with the kids. Taking more pictures and videos. (I might have to do the "One photo a day" thing this year. Days off just for me (I did take one, and it was HEAVENLY.)

17. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Gawd, bulk shopping at Costco. I was conned into my volunteer job for the school and I will NOT be doing it again next school year.
19. What was your favorite TV program?I fell in love with Parks and Rec this year. Especially the theme song.

20. What were your favorite books of the year?
I didn't read too many, but The Hunger Games series wins, hands-down.
21. What was your favorite music from this year?
I'm certain I don't listen to any current music.
22. What were your favorite films of the year?
No idea. We loved Inception (was that new in 2011?), The Help, The King's Speech (2011?) Deathly Hallows 2 (2011?)... I can't remember any others.

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.
Sometimes you're just going to have to sweat a little.
Cookies are allowed, you're not a bad person for eating them.
Musicals make me happy.
Keep putting money in the savings account because you never know.

And now for a dash of...

Last night I was making banana bread. This is something I do frequently, and I learned as I worked that my Darling Husband sometimes leaves the last 2 bananas hanging on the banana-hanger ON PURPOSE, so that I'll make it! Ha! Sneaky of you, Mister el-e-e!

My mom was sitting at the kitchen table while I measured and mixed, and my dad came up behind me right when I needed the vanilla extract. I said, "Let me just get the vah-neee-yuh..." to him, and Mom cracked up. Evidently that is the very same way she always says "vanilla" (french pronunciation, of course) when she is baking. I never even knew I did that, but we laughed and laughed over shared genes and funny habits.

I love moments like that. Like when my sister and I respond to something with the same phrase, at the same time, with the exact same tone and inflection.