Poor, Neglected Blog

August, September, and most of October -- definitely the longest I've gone without posting here, since starting this gig almost 20 years ago. Some recappy notes:

• Sent Alex back to UGA for his junior year, but have enjoyed a few visits with him coming home since then
• Did tons and tons of work-work
• Prayed a LOT about my job
• Submitted resumes/applications to at least 7 jobs
• Appreciated working from home
• Watered lots of grass ;)
• Went to two amazing concerts: Billy Pilgrim and Keane
• Sent Kate to Homecoming looking all grown up and beautiful
• Sent her to Jacksonville Beach with her friend, for late-Sept. Fall Break
• Welcomed her home with mono (!)
• Had one fun night (so far) with friends, making use of our fire pit and new patio
• Didn't get called/emailed/acknowledged by any of those dumb jobs
• Wished my manager well, as he was let go
• Had a very uncomfortable meeting with the CEO, but didn't lose my job (pros/cons on that one)
• Went to a UGA football game and Alex got to sit with us (no longer in the band!)
• Helped my parents a bit in Pensacola after a harrowing week of Dad's Parkinson's (seems better now)

Bringing us to now. 

Currently, it's a Friday, I'm WFH, burning a cinnamon-apple candle, and just went outside for some sunshine therapy and stretching. It's a lovely 64 degrees this morning and leaves are starting to turn here. I have 2 meetings, maybe 3, and hoping for time to make chocolate chip cookies today or tonight, just because. Shawn and I plan to go vote early tomorrow morning, and I have a haircut scheduled in the afternoon.  

I'm trying to feel peace even amid all the somewhat not-peaceful things that still swirl around. Grabbing it where I can: sunshine and stretching, baking, naps on the couch. I don't know if my brain has capacity, or desire, to write it all down here. I do know this: all of the seasons -- the waiting ones, the uncertain ones, the indecisive ones -- are part of God's Plan, too. So I guess things are good. 

Everything is as it should be. xo

Farming and the First Day of School

We had some landscaping done, including patching up our lawn. Grass has a hard time growing in all the shady areas of our yard, so along with putting down new sod, the crew "limbed up" several trees, even taking down a few, so that a bit more light could get down to the ground. (I loved when the guy said that phrase, "limbed up." Never heard it described that way before.) 

Shawn read that you should water-in new grass quite a lot, so this morning I am playing in the hose/sprinkler, moving it around to all the different patches. I'm choosing to look at it that way, not "getting wet and muddy after already taking a shower," lol. I actually don't mind. Working from home, no meetings, For The Win. I will have to re-do my hair and change clothes before an 11:15 chiropractor appointment, but that's the only person I'm seeing today aside from the fam. (And she's pretty casual, herself.)

Before all the farming began, though, we ushered Kate off to her first day of Junior year! Yes, school starts very early here. Yes, she's so grown, Junior year is some serious business (she has 2 APs this semester, and 2 next spring). For me, the main thing is it's the first year of her driving herself, wahoo! She could have ridden the bus these last 2 years, and she did, a bit, during the first of those... until she decided it wasn't a good look for her. ;) So I had carpool duty. It made for disjointed work-days. I liked getting a little time with her (when she was nice! haha teenagers) but I'm so glad the driving part for me is done. Glad we could make it happen for her to have a car to drive. Nervous for her in the parking lot at the end of the day -- some of those teens absolutely tear out of their parking spaces, I have witnessed. But hoping she will be extra careful, and have plenty of after-school meetings etc., so she isn't leaving during the mad rush. 

Some bulleted thoughts about school this year:

• I agreed to make her lunch today and probably will tomorrow, but after this I'm going to require that she does it sometimes. Girl can't go off to college in a couple years if she can't even demonstrate that she can pack a lunchbox. It is the smallest of things and she can HELP, for the love. (I did kind-of smile putting her lunch together this morning, though. Grapes and a sandwich, just like her first days of Kindergarten, sunrise, sunset, etc!)
• She's planning to carpool with a friend, actually, so she won't be driving every single day, and I'm glad about that, too. We live so close to several of them. But the main reason is they don't want to walk into the building alone. Even if they drive separately, they plan to meet at someone's car before going in. Solidarity, I like it.
• She and that same friend did not make the high school volleyball team. It was a blow, but they got over it quickly. Subsequently, they both also decided not to play club ball next year, nor beach, so that is the end of a little era! I'm not sad about it. Not sad about my pay raise, either, without those club fees! Instead, the two of them have gotten jobs (Smoothie King), and also signed up at Planet Fitness to stay in shape. Heck yeah! I wish I'd been that motivated when I was her age (or ever). Their plan is to go workout after school on certain days, together. I'm proud of them and hope they will enjoy this new life they're creating for themselves.
• She's doing yearbook this year (my heart! one of my THINGS when I was in school!), and her friend group has started a club called Project Dress, where they're collecting prom dresses and somehow going to get them to girls who can't afford to buy their own. It's sustainability along with helping others, and I'm here for it.

Here's to another August - May! 

After: The bedroom, and other updates

Want to see the final "afters" of Kate's bedroom makeover? Here it is, the best-decorated room in our whole house:

 

I'm pretty jealous. ;) I didn't get a full photo of the vanity, which replaced her student desk, but it has mirror lights and she does her makeup there now. You also can't see the cute white faux-fur rug in front of that full-length mirror. I do love it, and I'll say again that this girl, whether she knows it or not, has a keen eye for interior design.

Funny enough, we completed this whole makeover but she has been sleeping over at friends' houses all summer (and was away at camp for 2 weeks), so it feels like she's barely been in there. I know that's not true, though we do feel a lot like the nest has been emptied lately! Not really in a sad way, just a fact of having older teens that have "better" things to do!

Alex found a job -- at a car wash, he isn't a fan, thanks. He's already told them when his last day will be, because oh darn, he has to go back to college (mid-August). I say it's good to have had a job like that, to know exactly why we go to college. But he has earned some nice cash, including a random $250 bonus in June, and some overtime for working yesterday on July 4th! 

We went to Destin, as we always do. A very nice escape from the day to day (and we didn't see any sharks). Long days in my chair, in the shade, reading a book. I finished two while there: Romantic Comedy, by Curtis Sittenfeld, and Every Summer After, by Carley Fortune. Both were good, fictional beach reads. The first was somewhat annoying because it was about a "late-night sketch comedy show" and everyone knows there is only one of those, really, but the author couldn't use the correct names for things/characters. The plot was great, though. The second was a teen romance that Kate read first and then shared with me, and ohhh, I see why she liked it. ;) I remember reading my first romance novels, too, and am just happy she reads books sometimes. It was fun, easy - just what my brain wanted. I haven't been into the more challenging historical fiction that I typically look for, this year. I think that's meaningful in some way.

We came home a week ago and I admit I'm still having a difficult time adjusting emotionally (ha) to regular workdays. Boo, hiss. I was glad we had one holiday this week, during which I 

-cleaned the kitchen counters and swept floors

-made breakfast and lunch

-helped (barely) paint the mailbox

-read my book

-watched a little Wimbledon and the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest (gross!)

-took a nap under the ceiling fan

-went out to dinner with some friends, and then got ice cream

-finished another season of The Great British Baking Show, with Shawn's help

That's a "W" holiday right there. 

After digging into my craft supplies bin yesterday for a paintbrush, I'm inspired to get back into some kind of crafts. It feels like I don't have a creative outlet anymore. Even my day-job used to include some creativity in writing articles, but that's gone by the wayside in favor of admin, spreadsheets and meetings, ugh. So I need something. I did a little "mindfulness" coloring today but I'm not sure that's it. A trip to JoAnn or Michael's might be fun, but might also be overwhelming. Got any suggestions for an easy hobby?? 

Nothing Changes, Summer edition

I had a realization in 2023 that it was the last summer I needed to worry or feel guilty about not being around for lazy days, for ice cream runs, for swimming pools, for driving kids to and from activities. THIS summer, 2024, both kids can drive themselves! My motherhood-long problem with summer is finally solved! 

Except... not fully.

Alex is home from UGA, and so far, does not have a summer job. He has applied at a few little places. He has not done much follow-up. And so, he's been home a fair amount. Last week/weekend, both his girlfriend and his best friend were out of town. He was bored and a bit restless, although he did go to the gym a few times, and read a book or two.

But I felt GUILTY on the days that I had to come to my office and leave him at home with the cats.  

Is it my fault that he doesn't have a job? No. Is it my job to entertain him, a nearly-20-year-old? Also no. Do I feel bad about it anyway? Of course I do. I imagine him feeling abandoned, like, "I come home and they just keep going on with their lives, like I don't even matter anymore." Which, I know, is melodramatic and verrrrry far-fetched.

Kate has a lot of friends nearby with pools from which to choose, and a car to drive herself there, and yet I still feel like I "SHOULD" take days off and go shopping with her/them (with Alex too, for that matter; he especially needs new clothes), or, that I'd be a better mom if we could lay by the pool together, sipping from our insulated cups. This is patently ridiculous - we shop enough, lord knows, online. And any teen could confirm, she wouldn't really want me at the pool with her and her friends (the horror)! But I still feel that WISH for things to be different than they are. Why?! Is it because so many of my mom-friends seem to be teachers, or run their own businesses and thus, can have pool days whenever they want? Is it just my innate laziness, wishing to be a lady of leisure? Don't we all? I wish I knew, or more precisely, I wish I could make those desires go away and just accept How It IS. 

Anyway: I still hate summer, although thankfully the super-hot temperatures that contribute to my negative feelings about the season have not quite yet arrived.

I don't want to end on that, however. We're dropping Kate off at camp this weekend, so I know she'll be having fun for the next 2 weeks -- though this year, as a 16-year-old, I think she'll miss home (her friends) moreso than any other year. And we're celebrating my birthday next week -- my BIG birthday! I'm doing a lot of introspective things lately, feeling good and at peace about the milestone of 50. I'm hopeful and trusting that 50 is going to be a good year. 

I'm grateful, grateful, grateful, and my birthday is also part of summer, so I should focus on that instead. :) 

Re-Org

Not a re-org at my office, just in my brain. 

I'm just finding that I really need to SHIFT my mind, and in order to do that, I need to clean things up. So I have re-skimmed my trusty 2007 productivity book, whose lessons are still useful even if the language ("get a PDA or smartphone to help you!") is a bit out of date. I spent the better part of Monday and Tuesday re-working my digital system (in Outlook), creating new Categories, Sub-Categories and Folders, which I hope to use wisely to block time on my calendar and meet my Objectives! Whew!

It's all a bit exhausting at the front-end, but I feel like the situation of my brain being a constant jumble of to-dos and thoughts has got to change in order for me to function better. The next step is a clean sweep of the old Tasks, as well as an attempt to Zero the Inbox. !!

Just this second, I thought, "Maybe I should take my laptop with me to the volleyball tournament this weekend, and delete emails while there?" Of course it would depend on the wi-fi connection in the giant convention hall... but, hmmm, that could be a good use of some time in-between games that is generally ...very wasted time. 

We have also re-org'd Kate's bedroom. It's been... a project. Understandably, she wanted to upgrade from the "little girl" room she had. It has meant all new furniture, which you wouldn't think is necessary, but it was true her dresser drawers did not open very far, did not hold a lot of clothes, and our girl has a LOT of clothes. She chose the new headboard, dresser, nightstand, and vanity (still to be delivered). It's all really pretty, and today, fingers crossed, we will sell the old bed with its heavy bookcase headboard to an acquaintance from church/school. I'm ready to have the guest room back in some kind of order, as well, since that's where we've been dumping everything in the interim.

Anyway, lots happening over here! It's a Friday as I finish this post, but no rest for the weary --  tomorrow we have the "a.m. wave" for Kate's regionals volleyball tournament, which means we have to leave the house by 6:30 probably. But then we finish by about 3:00 pm, and can come home and crash, hopefully. Only to wake up Sunday and do it again. ;) 

It's May, after all! Every mom's favorite month! 

I Feel Meh. Mid.

I think I think too much. Typing it all up here doesn't call to me lately. I've been keeping ye olde gratitude journal and little bits on FB/Instagram, so not to worry, future me, and future descendants: there is indeed documentation of my thoughts. As long as I don't throw the book out. (I think I still have a box of every analog diary/journal I've ever filled. I am kinda itching to destroy it because: embarrassing.)

Anyway, what's up? 

-- I got an Insta ad the other day for one of those "funny t-shirts" companies. I scrolled through every style, cracking up, but am not really brave enough to buy them. But then I thought, "WHY am I not brave enough?" They're fun! I hardly ever see anyone I know when I go out -- and I rarely go out -- so what am I worried about? I declared to Shawn that I'm planning to have that be my "thing" as an old lady. I'll wear the t-shirts with puns and memes. It's going to be great. The grandkids will think I'm so quirky. 

-- We have some plans and projects taking shape. Nearing completion on the transformation of Kate's room from a 9/10 year-old girl's to a 16 year-old's. 2 more pieces of cheap furniture to buy, and several to donate/get rid of. And THEN we will start making half of our guest room into a sitting area/media room. Hopefully both of those things before the last kid leaves home, ha/sob. We got a nice tax refund this year, for the first time in forever, so that makes it easier to buy these few things. Maybe we can finish here soon and I can show you. 

-- Still in the thick of club volleyball season, although Kate driving herself to practices sure has lightened my load. (Come to think of it, though, I wonder if that is why I feel so adrift and untethered at the moment? Mommy is not needed (for this) anymore! Hmmm, hmmmm. Very interesting, doctor.) However, we have 5 tournaments left, and not much enthusiasm for those, either. I wish the coach could drum up some team spirit in the girls -- or my girl, specifically. Her heart just isn't quite in it with this team, so she's never excited to practice or compete, and that naturally trickles down to us spectators! (How much did we pay for the privilege, btw?!) 

-- Spring Break girls' trip was a success. We even had some laughter during the long road trip. My clothes were fine. No one is looking at the moms' clothes. ;) I really tried to rest my mind and my spirit that week. Was able to finish a good book: I Have Some Questions For You, by Rebecca Makkai. It's like a true crime podcast in novel form. 

-- Even while I'm trying to lean into my roles as wife/mom (and care less about my role as Marketing Comm. Specialist), my cooking skills seem to be disappearing. I've had a few total meal-fails in the past 2 weeks. One, because of brown rice. I can never get it tender enough. The other was just a dumb chicken/pasta pantry situation; I tried to "make up" a recipe and I guess I'm not cut out for that. So now I'm doubting myself, as well as being sick of all the usuals. This is a win only for Chick Fil A! 

I've been sitting here way too long. Probably should move my body and get some fresh air. 

Friday Procrastinating

Update: the Orlando trip went well! We made it, found our hotel, found the convention center, and all was fine. My organization skills weren't even necessary - is that the lesson?? 

---------

I went to a department store yesterday afternoon, because I needed a dress or outfit to attend a breast cancer-related gala this weekend, for work. Sadly, it's for work and there was only one ticket, so my plus-one isn't invited. Happily, though, I found something to wear. 

Being at that store, though, was so weird. Department stores have tried to evolve with the times, I guess, but haven't really succeeded. They're such a throwback to the '80s! And I don't know how they remain at all solvent, with alllll that inventory. I've learned in my job that product on the floor, or in the warehouse in our case, is like bags of money just sitting there, where a few dollars escape from the bag every day. I guess that's why many of them have NOT remained solvent. 

Pricing was hilarious. "Original prices" of $85 or $100 -- but the whole store was "up to 65% off!" I got a skirt for around $12.00. Do they make any money? (And then, my eco-consciousness kicks in, and what happens to the stuff they can't sell?)

I also noticed how I was drawn to so many styles that my younger self would have considered especially "old-lady!" Haha! The flowy organza shrug over a tank top. The sequin-accented collars and shoulders (what?!). The PANTS. I mean, yes, my calves still look pretty good as I near fifty, but I am actually considering wearing black pants to this gala -- I figure if I have pretty shoes, that cancels out the pants. LOL the justification. 

Also of note, I haven't bought much new for spring/summer, and I am, in fact, going somewhere for Spring Break, in just a few weeks. Kate and her friends convinced me and 2 other moms to chaperone a girls' beach trip to 30A. We may regret it. But until the regret, I'm trying to anticipate some enjoyment; hoping we moms get to sit on our beach chairs and read, and drink a little, without having to manage the "kids," who are admittedly old enough to care for themselves, if still a bit precarious with things like safety and decorum. We'll see. But I don't think I have the right things to wear! All my shorts are wrinkled from not being pulled out of drawers yet this year, and besides that, they're boring and several years old. I saw, last night, kelly green shorts and capris -- so spring! so bright! I saw some ruffled-sleeve tank tops that were so cute. One in stark white that I'm not brave enough to wear until I use some self-tanning lotion. But white seems so trendy. I saw a few cute pairs of sandals; my sandals are orthopedic, lol. They're blue, but I wouldn't call them cute. 

Maybe this shopping trip was what we'd call an exercise in humility. Made me want to buy a few more things, though. At least I have some swimsuits (bought last summer). 

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It is raining cats and dogs at the moment! Alex is driving home within the next few hours, for another weekend visit. Yay! but not yay, in the rain, you know? I'll never get over being nervous with a kid driving in bad weather.

Poetry Prompt: In a Shoe

Me. I'm the old woman --

But it isn't so many children 

that worry me:

It's to-dos.

"...What to do!?"

-the online translations in a spreadsheet

-the email marketing via WYSIWYG template

-the image resizing, hi-res or low

-the one-pagers for product promo

-the 20-pagers for who knows what

-the kind responses to pestering coworkers

-the posters, just add one logo here

-the promos & giveaways for lazy, begging clients

-the MEETINGS that rot away all motivation but also

    create MORE to-dos...

To say nothing of the dishes and meals.

Oh, Old Woman.

I think modern mothers envy you in your shoe.

p.s. No mommy wars here! All work of All Mothers is hard work! 

Hovering: 5 on a Friday

The last 2 days, I find I've been hovering around my blog archives, re-reading old posts and trying to spark something in my head that seems worth writing about... without much success. But I'm here again, and it's a Friday, and I definitely don't feel like opening the spreadsheet that looms on today's work to-do list, so I'm going to give it the ol' college try. 

1. Health 

I mentioned The Blue Zones documentary the last time I posted, and I'm still slightly obsessed with it. I watched the super-short series a 2nd time, in fact, and registered for the "7-Day Reset" since it was only $11. It's not that I want to live to be 100 years old, necessarily, but I am indeed interested in living well, as I age -- living without pain/sickness as much as possible, and with measurable joy. The indication from the Blue Zones is that it's not only the food we eat, although that is an important aspect; but it's also about social interaction, and purpose, and movement and faith/outlook. (Reminds me of Friday Night Meatballs, which intrigued me so much about 10 years ago.) The ideas just appeal to me so much. I feel like we could probably implement them in our family, although we would have a hard time fully eliminating some of the snack foods, processed meat, nd sugary drinks that we all love. For now I'm leaning towards it; hovering around it; feeling curious.

2. Birthday!

This weekend -- tomorrow, in fact -- we are having Kate's Sweet 16 birthday party. She had originally asked if we would rent a cabin in the mountains, and drive her and 5 or 6 friends there to have a party and spend one night. "You and Dad can stay, too," she generously offered! Hahaha! We respectfully declined the whole thing, and I don't know where she got the idea that that was even a possibility (well, I do know: her friend had a little overnight trip to Callaway Gardens for her 16th birthday, which Kate got to attend). Anyway, we said we would sure do a nice party at our house for her, and so that is what we're doing. 

Yesterday we bought supplies. Today and tomorrow will be busy with preparations, I guess, but also she is taking her driving test at 1:30pm. All of this makes me feel a bit panicky, I will admit. But we can do it.

3. Organization and Planning

Related: Lately I am having the hardest time with organization and planning ahead. As in, I'm just incapable of it. I have tried, ohhhhhh, have I tried. I have a new year-at-a-glance calendar at my office, dutifully filled with the known events and dates for which I must plan. I try to set reminders. I have a paper planner. And I've made list after list after mind-map, brain-dump, list. Still, I can't seem to prioritize them properly so that I know, without doubt or distraction, what I need to accomplish on a given day. 

Not having concrete goals is probably a factor. Wisdom says you set the goal, you determine the steps needed to reach the goal, then you start taking the steps. In my current job, though, there are either too many goals, or none at all.

I guess the job is getting done (ish), even without a plan, at work and at home. But I sure would feel better if my mind was organized and on top of things, instead of free-wheeling, usually at the last minute. Here's a good example: Kate and I are going to an out of town volleyball tournament next weekend. I've known about this tournament since October/November. I have a hotel room, my ticket for the weekend, and she is obviously registered. I know it's in Orlando. Beyond that -- nothing. No plans have been made, no tournament website has been studied for details. I'm just going to show up and hope it works out.

I wonder if it's just this season of life? It's possible I've felt this way since Alex was about a junior in high school. Anyway, I don't like it.

4. Kitty kidneys

One of our cats, Ash, is having kidney trouble. This is the third week, I guess, that we've been dealing with it. He was sick and not eating, and now he is a good bit better and eating a little more. An x-ray determined he had some stones or crystals in one kidney, and we paid the exorbitant amount for an ultrasound follow-up. We're waiting on results from that. I'm just ready to be done with the acute management and move on to maintenance (hopefully without any required surgeries). The poor thing. He is mad at me for giving him meds and putting him in his travel crate so many times this last few weeks. 

5. Care less = be happier

Just a reminder to myself! Hope you, too, are carefree and happy on this Friday.

Two Lessons, and the day to day

There are two big lessons that are making my life better right now, that I want to share if only to remember them. In mid-January, I started listening to season 3 of the podcast, "The Dream." Have you listened to this? Season 1 was about MLMs, and how insidious they are, built and run by hucksters and jerks. Season 2 moved into investigating the "wellness" industry, which is also a whole bunch of bunk. I love the reporting style of the podcaster, and I just eat up topics like that. Season 3 took a look at Life Coaching, and hoo-boy, more snake-oil and bullshit for my listening pleasure! It all spoke to me, somehow, more deeply than I expected.

A lot of life coaching is "mindset work" and positive thinking, which probably started with a book called "Think and Grow Rich," written in the 1930s by, guess what: a liar/criminal/cheat/huckster! One of the things I took from this, and a few other episodes, is that all of our striving, positive-thinking and  visualizing ourselves successful -- the American Dream, basically -- does a number on our health. Both mentally and physically -- high blood pressure from stress, heart conditions, pain, etc. (Another part of life coaching is often the instruction to eat a little better, and move your body more, and that nugget is what gets people feeling better, in my opinion, not the mental gymnastics.)

I'm not explaining this well, but what it all added up to, for me, a little lightbulb moment, was that I need to care LESS. No one needs "life coaching," we need to be a little more active, get some sunshine. And we don't need to aim for A-plus work, or climb any Ladder. For me personally, I don't need to assume that there's "something better," some job that I'll love and will naturally excel at. I don't need to "grow" or achieve more, or any of that. I can do my work, get my paycheck, full stop. The end. Care less, be happier. 

I don't know exactly how the math worked for my brain, but that's the first lesson. Care less. (Something in there, too, about how WOMEN strive to prove ourselves all the dang time, while many men in business just glide along, doing less but getting more. Not you, honey, I know how hard you really do work, with 110% effort.) 

The second lesson came to me in prayer. And it was, simply, that I can lay down the burden of hating my job. Just let it go. I don't have to hate it. I can let the hate of it dissolve at God's feet, I don't need it anymore. And that has been such a relief. After so many years at this job, with several managers along the way who weren't good people, or weren't good to me, I don't have to keep feeling that way. Lay down that burden.

I think it also has to do with this being my 50th year on earth. Birthday coming up in June! :) I am here, THIS job, this life are what I have. So I'd better find some way to enjoy it. It's the only chance I get. I mean, I've known this all along, but it's really clicked into place in my brain here lately. Find something to enjoy, otherwise you're spending your life miserable. And, no, I haven't been miserable about my whole life, family always been great, something to be grateful for. But you know -- work is a pretty big chunk of daily life. So care less, be happier, find something enjoyable in this. Don't hate it.

Which brings me to the day to day! We're in full-swing club volleyball season, so Kate has practice T/TH/Su, and for 2 more weeks-ish, I am still driving her there. It's going well, actually, because I'm finding ways to use the waiting time (podcasts! and walking!). I can hardly believe she will have her license that soon. And it will be a relief as well as another kind of stress, obviously. She's so excited. 

My "not cooking much" era continues. However, last week I made a minestrone soup, and decided I could eat soup every night for dinner if you let me. There are so many good kinds! Alas, my family is very much Against that idea. Too bad. 

I'm still seeing the chiropractor (more like a therapist), and my plantar fasciitis is not better. I am dealing with it. I know it's some kind of stress that is stuck; at least that's what she says. My back doesn't hurt (today). I've been working on engaging the deep core with some Pilates -- still less time for exercise than I'd like, overall, but it's a work in progress. 

I'm watching the Blue Zones on Netflix (LOVE - this is where I got the idea for minestrone), many seasons of The Great British Baking Show, and I'm happy Abbott Elementary is finally back. Shawn and I together are watching Reacher, and True Detective season 4, both good. And I finally got back into reading, at the end of January! I loved Daisy Jones and the Six, read it in one rainy day; and I am now loving (LOVING!) Steven King's Fairy Tale. 

I'd better get back to my job. Even though I'm not concerned about it! Haha! I like this way of being. 

Poet

Career Changer

I turned 49

And now, I'm listening

to my

    heart's whispers.

We're supposed to -- women.

Know our souls. Claim our    

   power.

I don't know 

  so much about that.

But I do know

I've always thought it would be

the best job -- poet.

    observe, reflect, write words:

Skills on my resume.

What is stopping me? Nothing.

   I'm a poet, then.

Summary: Creative human, seeking

    position with...

So I'm a poet now.

    This is, in fact, a poem.

-------

P.S. I'm not changing my career (just yet). And I'm not (I don't think) losing my marbles. I actually wrote this last summer, by hand, in a little journal that has some other writing prompts at the tops of pages. I thought it was funny and it's true, I DO think it would be the best job, to be a poet. If only it paid, haha! But the thought came to me again this morning while I drove to my actual job -- of poems, poetry, being a poet. Does anyone even read them anymore? 

You're a poet if you say you are - I don't think there's a certification required. Anymore, you can just start a poetry Instagram account, and there you are. I'm too scared to do that, but I wish I weren't. Maybe I will. Anyway, I wanted to save all of those thoughts here, silly as I feel doing it. Understand: very silly. 

Well, 2024!

As you can see, I took a big break from this, for Thanksgiving and all of December. It was mostly necessitated by my job and my calendar. It's not that I haven't felt reflective through all of those days, but there are limited hours, you know? To compose my thoughts here just hasn't felt like a priority these last months. 

I've actually spent a lot of time thinking about 2023, though, and have concluded it is important for me to surrender it -- to lay it down and leave it in the past. I'm also walking into the new year with no concrete  resolutions. I want this year to be lived instead of just survived. I want to enjoy things, not just get through them. I want to feel unbothered, not always behind. I want to feel hopeful and sure, and I feel like the only way to do any of these things is to take one day at a time, with openness.

Late yesterday, I saw a job listing that immediately caught my eye and piqued my interest. I hit "Apply," then sent a quick email as well. Auspicious, on January 1? Maybe. It felt good to go to sleep last night with a little hope in my heart, that I might wake up to a positive reply. (Nothing yet, but the day is young.)

Here's wishing that same small-but-significant amount of hope to get all of us going every day in this new year.

Briefly: Thanksgiving plans

I'm so happy it's Thanksgiving Week (except for the fact that I didn't take the full week off like I have the last few years, because our school district gives kids a whole week off). Thanksgiving is a favorite holiday, because it's forced down-time without the pressure of gift-giving. It's understood that there WILL be time spent on a couch, watching football. And it's all the good food, including the leftovers and the turkey gumbo afterwards. 

It also "hits different," as the kids say, when you have one in college. Alex is heading home Tuesday after his last shift at work; he tried to offer that shift to his co-workers but, surprise, no one wanted it. But no matter, Tuesday night through Sunday is a nice, long time to have him home. I scrubbed his bathroom thoroughly this past weekend, and during that process, wondered if it's related to the nesting we do as pregnant moms -- prepping the space/home somewhat frantically for the baby to come stay. I kind-of love the idea that it's the same thing, years later. (But also, his bathroom just had a layer of yuck, from extreme neglect.) 

I'm excited to have Thanksgiving dinner in our newly-painted dining room. We hung up some things on the pristine walls -- new to the room, though not to our house. It's fun to have mixed it up like that, and I really love how it turned out. Here are before and after:

   

We still need a rug, but how much do you love that color?! Heart-eyes! I love it so much. We think it's going to be a (fun) shock to Alex's system, to come home to the new floors and new paint in several places. 

I'm roasting our turkey with apples, onions, and citrus inside the cavity, hoping for juicy and flavorful. I'm making my family's sausage dressing. Plus the usual mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, green beans (not casserole, but two different kinds), gouda mac and cheese, and homemade rolls. And a fun dessert! 

Weather permitting, I also hope there will be time in the backyard, perhaps with a fire in the fire pit. I want to have this drink in a warm mug. 

I wish all of you a happy holiday, filled with rest and peace. Those are the things I'm hoping to get out of it.

All of the Things

Here are some things going on:

1. We got new floors in our house! Thanks to our darling kitties, the carpets were looking terrible:  Scratched all to heck at the thresholds, and many-times yuked-upon, unfortch (part of having cats). So now, the whole downstairs, the stairs themselves, and the upstairs hallway are a beautiful dark wood-looking Luxury Vinyl Plank, scratch- and water-resistant, and I LOVE them. I could not believe that the installers did all of it in ONE DAY. Granted, it was a very long day, and I felt imprisoned in my bedroom (with the equally imprisoned cats), but it was impressive and worth it. It feels like a grown-up house now. ;) We need a few area rugs. 

2. Because we emptied the large downstairs furniture, including bookcases in the living room and china cabinet in the dining room, we are now going to paint those rooms. And the half-bath. And, while we're at it, the rest of the upstairs rooms that we have wanted to paint since we moved in. The previous owners of this house painted everything a neutral (but yellow-y) sand color, and many of those walls are scuffed up now, not to mention boring. The master bed and bath, the office, the kids' bathrooms, and the guest room are all up next. It's going to be a big job, and we are hiring it out, not doing it ourselves, but still I have a little case of overwhelm about it at the moment. Hoping to get the downstairs done by Thanksgiving. The rest, I'm not sure. (I'm excited about it, yes! But overwhelmed.) 

3. Many, many job things. A 3-day meeting to plan. A product to relaunch. Two catalogs to edit and print. Plus all the stupid little things that come up every single day in my Inbox. Today I had an idea about how I could possibly remain a valuable member of the team ("retain top talent" is a goal of my manager), but not have to handle all of these marketing things. I wonder if I'm brave enough to speak to our HR manager about this idea.

4. A little freelance job. Thanks to my former manager for sending this easy work my way! It's fun work (proofreading), and an extra little pay will be nice. 

5. Helping my parents discern whether they need to move into assisted living, hire more in-home help, move here, stay there, or what. (Hi, Mom!) Of course this is a huge topic; more than I can blog about. I spent last week in FL with them and my sister and we had the major discussions about options, finances, long-term care insurance (a web of confusion if ever I saw one, second only to dealing with the VA), and their wants and needs. We're nowhere near a decision point, I don't think, but just having the conversations (and putting them into a spreadsheet, thanks Jilly!) is progress. 

6. Club volleyball started this past Sunday. So it's time to drive to and from practice 3 days a week and get ready for weekends to be spoken-for, woo-hoo! 

7. The social life of a teenage girl! My goodness, do these kids ever slow down? No. No, they do not. If there isn't a practice or an event, they find a way to create one. Like last night, around 4, she told/asked me if she and her 5 friends could go to dinner and a movie (there's no school today)? And could we please drive? I was still finishing my workday and had been thinking how nice it would be to make an easy dinner, eat, and just chill for one night this week. I can't decide if it's just Kate's personality as an extrovert, or is it the fact that she has a large group of friends... Probably both. But once again, I find myself counting down the days until she is driving (reluctantly, reluctantly, my babeeeee on the road...) so that I can catch my breath! I will say, we did drive them to dinner last night and Shawn and I ate at the same place, several tables away of course. So it was a win in some ways! 

8. We're going into the busiest season of the year, lol! Bring on the holidays, because why not?! Thanksgiving will likely be at home, and I'm hoping we can go to FL-home for Christmas with Mom and Dad. I've bought one gift so far, and Shawn has bought one. Let's choose to say we're ahead of the game! 

I'm grateful for this full life! Taking it one thing, one day at a time. Seeking the joys. 

A fine October morning

(Even though it's a Monday.) 

It's 47 degrees, currently. What bliss! I had to wear a vest-jacket and layers! And socks! Definitely not sandals weather this morning. I live for this time of year. Hot coffee, bathrobe, heavy comforter, fuzzy socks, and sweatshirts: Welcome back! 

As I rev up my work-engine for a very busy week, with a meeting I'm sort-of in charge of, on Friday, and some office visitors T-Th (UGH to all of it), I'm still thinking about this past weekend. We had tickets to the UGA football game and we had such a nice day of it. 

The game was at 7:00 pm, so thankfully we did NOT have to wake up at the crack of dawn to drive there in time. Instead, we had a leisurely morning and left the house around noon. It helped that we didn't have tailgate plans, although in the future, I wouldn't MIND having tailgate plans -- it seems to be a very fun activity for game day and I bet the food involved would be better than stadium pizza. Not to mention having a little adult drink would be nice. 

Anyway, we arrived around 2:30, walked through campus toward the stadium, stopping at a couple of tailgates where we had friends. I had to explain to Kate that there's a code of tailgate etiquette, and that we couldn't simply invite ourselves to join these friends, only stop by to say hello. She was disappointed and so am I, frankly, but you have to have manners. We had places to be, anyway: wanted to catch the Dawg Walk with the band, and see Alex as much as we could when he wasn't required elsewhere. He was very sweet to come and find us whenever he had free time. And the band sounded great and so festive, as usual. 

The weather was just picture perfect. Sunny but cool/breezy, especially in the shade. The game was exciting -- our guys won -- and we hadn't ever experienced a night game before. It's extra atmosphere, for sure. Worth staying out really late and walking what felt like miles to and from our car. 

Afterwards, Alex let us come to dinner with him and several alto-sax buddies including 2 of his roommates. It was simple, not a party or rowdy at all, like you might imagine. These band kids are tired after a full day of being in uniform, and just want some food. ;) I was touched that Alex left the table where he had been sitting to join the three of us instead. 

A lot of little moments, in fact - when he texted to say he had some extra time and could come find us again; when he gave us long hugs; at dinner; some of our conversation about his girlfriend - are evidence to me of how he's maturing. I mean, Alex has never been particularly immature, but it's really neat to watch him change ever so slightly. And it's gratifying that he doesn't mind being with us. He might actually even enjoy it. :) 

We do get to see him again tonight, since the band is coming to our county to perform for a bunch of high school band kids! Yay!

But this morning, I'm trying to hold onto the big joys from the weekend and face whatever "adventure" lies ahead in my Inbox.  

Chiropractic Care, aka Self Care

Earlier this month I decided I had thrown everything else at my foot pain issue, I might as well try chiropractic care. My insurance seems to cover it (so far), so why the heck not? 

Plus, the most recent foot repair thing I tried, the night splint, had possibly caused me to torque my back strangely while I slept, and I have been having significant back pain (lower right, and it's my right foot that gives me trouble) the last 3 weeks or so. I wake up unable to bend forward, and in the beginning there was pain all day and through the night too. Are they related? Maybe, maybe not... but a holistic type of doctor seemed like a good way to find out. And one of the only options left that I hadn't tried, lol sob.

I really like it. I've been going twice a week. I've never been afraid of pops and cracks in my spine -- I was definitely that girl who could crack her back loudly, all the way up, when I was a teen (and now Kate does it and makes me cringe). This doctor talks me through things, is very open with what she's doing, what she sees and feels in my body, and that's refreshing. The popping and cracking she causes don't seem very severe to me, yet she seems really pleased when she hears them. Today, on my 5th visit, was the first time she popped anything in my neck. It made me nervous but felt fine, and she seemed astounded at the response she heard. I hope it will do something. So far I have a bit of a headache this time, which is expected after an adjustment. 

Progress seems to be slow, but noticeable, at least in my back. Especially immediately afterwards. She says that after about 6 weeks, adjustments start to "hold" and the body starts to feel better. (Hopefully the foot, too?? Please please please.)

It's kind-of like massage, in that I feel the need to take it slowly the rest of the day after a visit, drink lots of water. And it's very much like what I assume therapy is, because we talk a lot about stuck emotions being the cause of a lot of physical pains. (Of course I have cried while there - so how can my pain be stuck when I have always let my emotions out, with no problem?! But maybe it can.) We talk about diet, movement, breathing. All things I know, but don't always practice at 100%. I feel like she gets me; we're similar age/stage in life. 

Today she mentioned a book called Burnout. (She must mean this one.) My sister and I have been talking about that recently, as well, regarding our jobs. I haven't felt like I personally was experiencing "burnout," because I'm not physically or emotionally TIRED all the time. I haven't even felt particularly stressed lately... yes, there's a lot to do, but I've pretty much decided it doesn't matter if I get it done or not - no one really gives me deadlines, it's just me... and it's all bullshit anyway. I've been doing my prayer and meditation, I can find 5 things every day to be grateful for. I'm fine, you know? Blessed. On good days, work is just something to do, something that allows me to receive a paycheck. (On worse days, I probably haven't exercised and I scroll LinkedIn in a panic: "I have to get out of this, I have to get out of here.") 

However, I read a definition just now, and this part made me raise my eyebrows:

Emotional signs and symptoms of burnout:

Sense of failure and self-doubt.

Feeling helpless, trapped, and defeated.

Detachment, feeling alone in the world.

Loss of motivation. Increasingly cynical and negative outlook.

Decreased satisfaction and sense of accomplishment.

Umm. Check, check check check and check?  

Self-doubt, for sure. "I couldn't even GET a different job, I don't have the skills and I'm too old."

Feeling helpless, trapped, defeated? Very very trapped. Never see any opportunity that interests me.

Feeling alone. YES, at my job. Shan left. No one to talk to, share burdens with, at work. Work alone most of the time (which I LIKE, yes, but still).

Loss of motivation. Yep. Don't care. Cynical. Meetings are stupid. I do most work at the last minute possible. It doesn't matter anyway. I barely care if we make our numbers or not. 

Decreased sense of accomplishment. For sure. Whatever I am doing, it's only the bare minimum in my eyes. I'm convinced it's not GREAT work, it just gets the company by. 

(Oh, and one of the physical signs/symptoms is "frequent muscle pain.")

So that's... depressing. Interesting. An "opportunity," as they say. Perhaps I need to read the book. Anyway, I thought writing about it a little might help me FEEL my FEELINGS about it. Because the doctor encourages that.

Self care self care self care. After this I'm going for a gentle walk.

August Review

The notes not in parentheses are what I wrote in my planner/journal this morning: 

I definitely went to the office more regularly (didn't love it but a few free lunches were nice), drank more water, and maybe did more meditation and prayer (these were my stated Aug goals). Made some progress with the foot pain by buying 2 different night splints and using them. (Why my podiatrist skipped over that particular treatment suggestion, I do not know, but I'm mad at him about it. I'm nearly a year into this "journey." :/ But I think the splints are going to help.) Aug was so busy with school starting back, and high school vball. And Alex moving back to Athens. I wish there'd been a little more socializing (but the social aspects of hs vball have been good so far). 

I wish I could figure out when to go to P'cola for a visit. Guess that's a Sept. goal. 

Other wins: Took that PTO Friday and enjoyed reading, working out, doing NOTHING. Learned GHSA vball scorekeeping and libero tracking! InDesign projects (at work)! :) NEW appliances! New HHS vball friends, and Kate having her friends here last Friday (in the backyard, with the hanging lights)! :)

Looking fwd to in Sept: LONG WKND! Lots of HHS vb! Maybe cooler weather? Decorating for fall/Halloween. Flooring estimates and paint estimates. 

Monday morning mood

I'm not really in a "mood," but it is Monday morning. Mondays, it's so hard for me to get going; I'm not one of those, "let's attack the week!" types, lol. If you are, I probably don't like you. No, for me, it's a planning day of the week, not really a DOING day. (Also, I think there should be a BAN on weekend emails -- nothing new should be waiting for me when I first login. I'm still trying to remember what happened LAST week, and probably catch up to it.) 

Anyway, here I am: I've put my top tasks at the top of this week's planner page, and I'm sure half of those will be overtaken by whatever new Most Important Things are handed to me from other people throughout the day/week, sigh. No respect. At least I'm working from home today.

One fun thing on my calendar is New Kitchen Appliances. We bought them yesterday -- fridge, range, microwave, and dishwasher! Three of the four of those actually NEED replacing. Mostly the range -- the door and its handle are falling off, causing the glass-front to also fall off periodically. Usually while I'm cooking inside it. And it's not really something that can be repaired, it's plastic bits that have decayed and can't hold anymore. I mean, we've tried to repair it -- Shawn got washers and screws and has made it better, along with duct tape -- yes, I have duct tape keeping my stove together. So that is the impetus for the whole thing. Our fridge, too, has issues. The icemaker no longer works (first-world problem, we're using ice trays, the horror), and the motor makes a loud ticking noise sometimes if you open or close the doors. We have to shake or hit it to get it to stop. The dishwasher has done nothing wrong, it's just loud as all heck. Our microwave works perfectly, but it wouldn't match if we replaced the range, so... there you have it. BestBuy was selling them in bundles, so we bought the whole kit and kaboodle. I'm really excited. 

The NEW fridge has French doors, a bottom freezer drawer (swoon) and a special "Beverage Center," -- no, even more special than you're thinking - it's this one if you're curious. The oven will have both convection and AirFry options (how that works, I have no idea). The dishwasher is only 42 decibels and will once again have a "Delay Start" (our old house had an old, off-white (ew) dishwasher, but at least it offered that useful feature)! Delivery date for all four is August 5. We'll have to eat up everything in the old fridge/freezer before that date -- perhaps this means I won't go to the grocery store next weekend at all! We'll see. 

I can't believe summer is nearly over. Kate has one week left, and has already started some of her school volleyball season. In fact, HHS hosted a small tournament this past weekend, so we were there Thursday & Friday nights and all day Saturday. We met most of the other parents -- "our people" now, I guess -- and liked them quite a lot. Guess we'll be sitting in the stands with them, carpooling, and working in concessions. It's exciting to see your kid doing her thing, in an official uniform with her last name on it like some kind of superstar! (Oh, and she made a club volleyball team earlier in the month, in case you were wondering. It's going to involve slightly more travel than the last 2 years, and slightly more $, but hopefully we can manage it.)

Alex still has a week or two at home, but I'm trying to mentally prepare for him being gone again. :( I have a feeling we will see him less this fall than last, because he's been added to the travel marching band, so he'll be attending most of the Away games as well as the Home games (of the National Champions, I might add, Go Dawgs). He's going to be busy!

So life rolls along. This morning was nice and cool on the porch -- a relief, after a typical mid-July stretch where it's been much too hot to be outdoors, even at 7 am. I try to take care of myself with coffee and a 10-minute Calm.com meditation on the porch, as many days as possible. Even when I'm going to the office. 

And I'm trying to be open, to listen, to watch, for signs that will show me what's next for me with my job, if anything. I want a really clear sign. Like, hit me over the head clear. You might argue that I've already gotten it, what with all the poor treatment of me over the last 6 months. Each time, though, I've felt like I have to "wait out" whatever drama occurs -- Shan being fired, then my boss resigning, and now the new boss being hired. That was in May. He gave me a small raise so I feel a little bit beholden to him in gratitude, and I know he has discovered a lot of other problems he needs to fix. If I left now I'd definitely add to his burden. I also don't know where I'd go or what I'd do, yet. So that's the sign I'm looking for. Trying to be patient is difficult; I'd really love to rip the band-aid off and just hightail it out! I could hang out with my new appliances, making amazing dinners and desserts for my family, haha! But you know that's not me. I hope I'll know exactly when is the right time, and where I'm headed. 

Whoops, skipped June altogether

A meeting got cancelled just now so: found time! 

How've you been, blog friends? I am hanging in there. I've decided: I spent the first 6 months of the year grieving and railing against my new normal at work, but I want to be done with that mindset. I'm trying, as July begins, to move more lightly through it. It's JUST WORK, for gosh sakes, and it isn't brain surgery. I am doing my best. I am doing fine.

The new boss is working out okay so far. He seems to see the situation clearly. He did give me the small raise I should have gotten in January, and has promised to hire me half an assistant. (I'll have to share her, but I'm okay with that.) It might be an interesting new challenge to have a young person as a Direct Report. I assume she'll be young. It's weird, approaching the age of fifty and knowing that more than half of the work force is younger than you. But anyway, lightness and capability. I can do it, I am doing it. 

If I start regular exercise/walks again next week -- this week has been too hectic -- that will also help. I get really bummed out, and depressed, and downright hateful about work, when I don't workout. So the only way to continue managing this job with lightness and capability, until I can leave it, is to MANAGE the mental health. So say we all.

Meanwhile, home is in summer mode. I realized this week that it's my last year where summer will be harder than the schoolyear -- next summer, if all goes well, Kate will be driving. It will leave me free to go to the office without worrying that I need to take her somewhere or pick her up. YIKES. That is a gut-punch, as well as a huge relief. The very definition of "days are long, years are short." 

We had our family beach week in June (lovely long days in the hot sun and cool water); we repeated our July 4th from last year at Alex's girlfriend's neighborhood, with her parents; and tomorrow little AJ from blog-days of yore will turn 19! We have a lot to do in the next few weeks to get him ready to move to his first off-campus apartment in Athens. He doesn't yet have a bed, eek. I am counting on Amazon and Ikea to help us quickly resolve those issues. It's been so nice having him here this summer. 

Big deal today is club volleyball tryouts. Club season doesn't start until October, but tryouts for every club in town are this weekend. We're trying a new team this year, which makes us both, Kate and me, nervous as all get-out. Butterflies in the tummy, both for the new place as well as feeling weird/bad about leaving the old one. But we'll see what happens. Good vibes and prayers for Kate are appreciated! 

Lots of Good News

I have so many things I want to share, and I don't want to forget them all, so for this Friday, a quick brain cleanse with bullets:

• Alex and Kate both got straight As for 2nd semester of their respective freshman years! I mean, this is not a surprise but it's still mighty impressive, and wow, it's fun to be a parent and get to be proud of your kids for being hard workers, and smarty-pantses.
• Kate made the high school JV Volleyball team (tryouts were this week)! This relieves the sting from last year's disappointing result, for sure. It's going to be a fun fall season. I want to remember this, from the coach: She told Kate she was really impressed, that Kate had clearly worked on all the things she told her to work on last year, and she said, 'You proved me wrong.' !! Validation. And commendation because Kate did, indeed, work REALLY hard this year.
• My company hired a new General Manager and he seems nice enough... We'll see. There are some people who "only give him 6 weeks," but I'm hopeful it will be a good change.
• I have been told multiple times what a good job I'm going in my new role. I've had to admit out loud, to both the new manager and others, that it really has been hard. However, I'm starting to feel like I halfway know what I'm doing, and when this higher-up told me he could see that I'm more relaxed, and confident, THAT was a boost of confidence.
• Shawn closed on the sale of his mom's house! Huge weight lifted from him! Of course it's a mix of emotions, selling the home he grew up in. But he has worked so hard on all the paperwork and lawyer discussions and dealings with banks etc., and I'm so proud of him. It's been hard to sit on the sidelines but since I wasn't named an executor, it really was kinda all on his shoulders. 
• My mom's two procedures, a knee injection-in-lieu-of-replacement, and a carpal tunnel surgery, are both DONE and hopefully will be successful for her! Less pain is very much YAY. I'm so happy my sister and brother-in-law got to be with her this week to help her while she recovered.
• I just had a huge win at work, getting rid of a project that was an absolute albatross around my neck - the people affected were agreeable to it and I'm SO relieved.
• Kate was confirmed at church 2 weeks ago, and it was a JOY-FILLED 2 days, with her cousin -- the daughter of her godparents, incidentally -- coming to stay with us and serve as her Sponsor. I would love to write more eloquently about how I felt that night at the church, but I don't know if I can articulate it. We were surrounded by friends (kids and parents from her St. Joe's class of 9 years), a former neighbor and longtime church member who had known her since she was tiny, surprising her with a sweet card, PLUS having family there from out of town... it was a holy moment, indeed. My heart needed to feel that full, and it was so good.
• (And now for a complete shift,) I have done 5 full days of Intermittent Fasting (16 hours fasting/8 hours eating window) and it's not that hard, and I feel pretty good, like it's already a helpful thing for me. The book I ordered about it should arrive today. I am excited to delve a little further, and feel optimistic. The doctor/author seems to know her stuff, and says this way of eating helps not only weight loss, but all the other things as well. It reduces risk of disease, inflammation, blood pressure, etc etc etc. Snake-oil? We'll see, but I'm willing to give it a go.
• The weather has been lovely the last several days! I just had lunch on the front porch with Alex and it was cool, breezy, and I think I'm going to finish my workday here as well. 
• It's about to be a 3-day weekend! I hope you have something fun planned! We don't, really, but I am so grateful already for the day off, and for it being summer!