FRITZ

Or, why I won't be getting any right-hand ring

First off, I just received email from my sister entitled "Hello from Taipei!" WTH?! If *I* were going to be traveling to Taipei by way of Kuala Lumpur (which I wouldn't even know about if it weren't for The Amazing Race), I would have TOLD ME about it. Why is she there? Is she a spy? Is she doing some really crazy Christmas shopping? Is this a 2nd phase of her postponed-so-it-could-be-more-wonderful honeymoon?? W.T.H.? Bring me a t-shirt.

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My whole house is on the fritz. I almost just said "f-ing fritz," because that is ABOUT how fed up I am with the whole thing. In fact, last night when the straw actually broke the camel's back of appliances, I gave hubby a fed-up look that could have stopped an army. And it is SO not his fault. I am sorry for that look, Hubby.

BUT LORD HELP IF I DON'T GET SOME NEW APPLIANCES IN HERE WE ARE ALL GOING TO STARVE, AND THEN GO AROUND IN WET CLOTHES, AND ALSO NOT HAVE ANY TOAST.

You remember when the dryer moaned and sputtered, yes? We never did replace it. It's limping along. We haven't started a fire yet. But that would have been a relatively painless replacement -- we saw some fairly decent dryers for about $300 all total. Didn't buy 'em. Hello, Lazy.

Saturday night, DH and I baked our cake, right? Wellllllll.... just after taking it out of the 400-degree oven, we recevied a series of warning beeps and an LCD display of "F - 1.... F - 1.... F - 1...." Indicating something wrong. Much like something ominous on Lost. This had happened once before, when our neighbors were over for dinner actually (NICE), and my neighbor got down on his hands and knees to fix it, because DH and I were standing around glancing quizzically at each other, like, "Hmm, what'd'ya think we should do?... Huh, did you say something?..." So Neighbor unplugged the oven to stop the beeping. We plugged it back in an hour later and all was fine. Fast forward 9 months or so, and same thing this Saturday, except in MY trying to unplug it (why did I have to be the take-charge female?) I got SHOCKED!! I've never been shocked before but WOW. Felt like a jackhammer. I crawled back out from under there and asked hubby if he had seen that bright light? In my super-buzzed state, I thought I'd caused a real electrical storm but really I just dropped the flashlight. Heh.

Then LAST night while I was trying to bake a pizza? Beeps again after a couple minutes. Mal. Function. &@!(!~^&fricking fracking. (Grilled pizza is delicious, btw.) I went to plug it back in this morning just now, just ONE last try. Immediate BEEP BEEP BEEP. F - 1. So... screw it. I'm done. I'm calling the JennAir place this week. Yeah, it's a JennAir. The kind of stove you just can't go to Home Depot and replace. *0%-@&!aaaghaaaahh. WOE is me and PITY me.

This morning I also put an English muffin in the toaster. Turns out the left-hand 'elevator' doesn't work! Ha ha!

Maybe we should just move?