Remember this.

Yesterday, Mother's Day, May 14, 2017, Kate is 9 and I am 43.

On the way down the stairs at home, dressed and ready for Mass: She takes my hand to hold.

On the way out of the church, in the beautiful sunny day, chatting and talking: She holds my hand again.

On the way to the car after a lovely brunch: She takes it a third time. I looked down at her hand in mine, and I just want to remember how it felt, how natural and soft and sweet it was, forever.

Also, twice during the day, my nearly-teenage son kissed me on the cheek. Once when he was directed to by his Dad, for a photo op, and another time while I was just sitting at the kitchen table. He just came right up to me and leaned in. Stayed a while, too, after the peck on the cheek, just side-hugging me.

I do like Mother's Day, quite a lot.

Begin Again

In 8 days, we're starting the Whole Life Challenge again.

It has been surprisingly difficult to keep up the habits in this "8 weeks off" period. I don't know if the creators of the challenge knew that it would be, and therefore knew they had a good business model on their hands, or not... but it's difficult. Bread and Bread-like things (flour tortillas, Hot Pockets!, muffins, granola bars) are just So. Easy. to Grab. Salads and compliant snacks, not so much. How I love walking (just 10 minutes!) and stretching (just 10 minutes!) every day. HOW IS IT that I haven't been doing it???

So weird.

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Guess what? It's time to buy a new car. I kinda figured I'd drive my Highlander until the wheels fell off, and that's practically what's happening. Yesterday I was quoted $4,300 to fix everything that is wrong with it. Yeah. It's 13 years old. I opted to only fix $1,200 of that total, in the hopes I could drive it a month more (or maybe two), while we do our research. But hey, a new car is something fun, right? And, there are Memorial Day Sales... maybe we can fool ourselves into thinking we're getting a deal. (Car prices are beyond Ridiculous.)

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Busy week, but we are so close to the end of the year that I refuse to stress about anything else. Hey, I have to brag: I lasted longer this schoolyear, with making lunchboxes the night before, than I've ever lasted before! I think it's only in the last month (2?) that I've gotten really bad about leaving it until the morning of. Go me! Thank God it's nearly over.

Tonight is the school play. Neither of my kids is involved but we're going, Kate and I, because we love The Theatre. ;) It's Beauty and the Beast, naturally, and no, we still haven't seen the live-action movie yet! This weekend is our least busy of May, actually. We have family plans to see Guardians of the Galaxy 2, and that's it. Cleaning House a bit, probably. I need to start buying some of the camp supplies the kids need. Sunscreen, shampoo, bug spray, etc. Maybe car shopping! And then Mother's Day, when I hope to 1) have coffee on the porch, 2) go to Mass, 3) go to brunch, and 4) take a nap/read. No Grocery Shopping on Mother's Day! I VOW to go Saturday night. VOW!



I love YOU, Mom -- hope you have a nice Sunday. I know you'll be on the road, but at least you're not driving! :) xoxoxoxo

Why Peter Pan Calls Capt. Hook a "Codfish"

Yesterday the seafood counter was out of tilapia. I know, I know, the Internet warns about how we should never be eating tilapia! But ...well, sometimes we do, anyway. Not last night. Instead I bought wild-caught cod for just $6.99/pound. (That was why.) You can't save fish, so if I buy it, usually we eat it on Sunday night.

For this, I baked it as I normally would, with butter/lemon/garlic. I didn't include any onions and wish I had, and I cooked it for less time on a higher temperature than I have in the past.... maybe these reasons are why it did not satisfy me in the slightest. The adjective I'd use, in fact, is "gross." The texture was weird, making me think, "Did I cook this long enough?" and the taste was totally fishy. Now I know why "codfish" is an insult. Blech. Next time I will get grouper or trout or something else. Salmon, I guess. (My kids love salmon! Finally! But I get tired of it and don't want to serve it every week.)

Speaking of every week, let's detail the menu, shall we?

Sunday -- Codfish. White rice. Broccoli. Thumbs down.

Monday -- Grandmother's Spicy Fried Chicken! Publix has not carried the box of frozen fried chicken in years. But guess what? Kroger had it. Made me hate Kroger a little less, yesterday. I am so excited for dinner tonight. Will also make fresh corn on the cob, because braces-less Alex can eat it now (carefully, with his permanent bottom retainer in place) and maybe green beans, too.

Tuesday -- Alex has a piano competition at 5:00, so I'm going to ask Shawn to heat up the pizza that I've got in the freezer. Woo-hoo!

Wednesday -- Broccoli-Cheese Soup. Kate saw it in my recipe book and was intrigued. However, Shawn's not a fan, and Alex won't be, either (cheese). So I'll also make a Tortilla soup (from a mix) that we like.

Thursday -- Out to eat! Mom and Dad arrive for the Art Show/Grandparents' Day and I can't wait! (To see them, not to eat out. But also, to eat out. Heh.)

Friday -- Not sure, but I might ask Mom to make brisket while I'm at work. ;) Hi, Mom! OR we might do something else easy.

Challenges (but not terrible ones)

I finally bought some drugstore readers for myself. I've been eyeing them (HAHA) for 6 months or more, but not willing to make the commitment. So far I don't love wearing them, except for looking studious. They do help a little, but they're also not perfect. They kind-of make my eyes hurt, after I take them off, and I definitely don't want to use them when reading on my Kindle. Interestingly. But this morning, writing in my morning journal, OH YES, they helped immensely. That is where my vision tends to feel really unfocused and fuzzy - when I'm writing by hand. Weird.

An update on the WLC -- I have NOT been keeping kosher! I mean, staying compliant. I have been eating cheese, and some bread, and definitely some sugar. I am NOT exercising or stretching every day, sadly. I don't know why not, since I discovered it's not difficult to do 10 minutes of each. I guess the January challenge didn't cure my laziness. Heh. Luckily so far, I'm not gaining the pounds back. But it makes me nervel-dervel. The plan was, during these 8 Off-Plan weeks, to stay on plan during the week, but relax on the weekends. What it's turning out to be, instead, is that I eat pretty well during the workday, then "relax" for dinner. We've had pasta and pizza and garlic toast, and I have indulged. I'll walk tonight - I always do, during gymnastics. I guess it's good I'm already signed up for the next challenge in May.

Not much update on work, except yesterday Shan had a 4-hour interview somewhere. She is definitely going to leave me; this was not her first interview set - she's been hitting the pavement pretty hard. I think she has a recruiter helping her. If she does leave, my only advocate will be in the U.K. -- I mean, a global-team advocate. I think the new U.S. Marketing Mgr. would fight to get me onto HIS team, to be a Marketing Assistant basically. (And still do all my other writing for the global team, I'm SURE.) I did get my resume updated, but haven't sent it anywhere yet and haven't uploaded it to LinkedIn. I still don't know that I want to stay in Marketing at all. Same tasks, different desk? Might not really help at all... though the absence of the constant drama/politics of THIS place would be welcome. Oh, I don't know. Grateful for the paycheck and the location. Grateful grateful grateful. I am able to be simply content. I don't have to be "professionally successful" to have a good life. But it does seem like, as long as I'm working, and as many hours as I put into it, I should at least get to enjoy it a LITTLE. Achieve something and be recognized. I do realize they don't call it "play," it's not supposed to be a party. Anyway, I'm very curious about what's next -- even, what's going to happen TODAY -- in my so-called career.

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Now for the (non-challenging) good stuff. Shawn and the kids. This week is our 16th wedding anniversary! The babysitter's coming on Friday night and I guess I need to make dinner reservations. It is crazy when we think that in 9 more years, both kids will be grown. It's a kind-of freedom to look forward to, obviously, but... it's just weird.  ...The other night (Saturday, maybe?) we played frisbee for a long time in the perfect spring evening weather, laughing, tripping, throwing some really good ones (the kids have improved a lot over the years!), and some really bad ones, and fearing the snake when we had to go hunting for the worst throws. (YEP, we saw a 6-foot-long Georgia King snake in our yard recently! He wasn't bothering anyone, just doing his thing. It was still pretty creepy.)   ...We're gearing up for summer; this past weekend Kate and I had fun at WalMart, buying cheap t-shirts she can get dirty at Winshape. Shopping's pretty fun with her now -- when she isn't being whiny about wanting something frivolous, which is always. Last night, for instance, we popped over to Target after dinner to grab a pencil sharpener and milk and a birthday gift for her friend. Essentials. ;) She was sweet and fun, "riding" on the grocery cart as she pushed it through the empty store aisles. ...Next week, Alex will play in his first National Guild Audition. It is all I can do NOT to try to help/teach him as he gets ready. I need to let his teacher do that job, and stay out of it. But, OH, I want to help him. If only he would practice phrases at a time, the hard ones, (like the 10,000 "frog jumps" we did in violin) instead of the entire song every time. If only he would sit straighter. Move the bench back. Curve the fingers. BUT I'm trying my best to keep quiet. He's doing really well.

Days off in abundance

2017 has been a really great year for days away from the office.

• In January there were 2 company holidays and 2 days of dangerous ice when I worked from home.
• In February I worked from home 2 half-days (I think), we had 2 days off for the funeral (not that we liked the reason), and I took a day and a half of PTO because of random school holidays. I also took a trip to Vegas for work and that was another 2 days out of the office.
• March had me home with Alex one day (him sick, me working), and working from home another time (I can't recall why)
• Then April, the first week was Spring Break, this week we get a company holiday tomorrow (Good Friday), and Monday the 17th the kids have off, so I'll work from home again! 

I'm liking it. Even having orthodontist appointments with Alex once a month hasn't been unpleasant, because usually it means working from home at least a half-day when it's my turn and not Shawn's (the ortho office is closer to home). Monday is the last one for a while -- he gets his braces off! I'm so excited to see his teeth again! He's excited to eat Starburst. ;)

I just wrote out a schedule for Carli (tentative), for summer babysitting. She said she's up for it again - and why wouldn't she be? It's easy money. "Come over, take our kids to the pool (I don't know why she doesn't swim herself, though), and hang out on our couch and we'll pay you." I love having her there and the kids love her, too. We'll see her today, in fact, for a half-day off school. Yes, they're nearly old enough to take care of themselves on a half-day, but I'm not quite ready for it, where Kate's concerned.

Only bad thing about taking last week off is that this week's been insanely busy at my computer. Lots of tasks to catch up on, and I can't seem to keep up with them. I should get off Blogger and back to writing -- an intro paragraph and a secondary copy block for a "Seasonal Brochure," harder than it sounds -- but before I go, these simple, yummy dinners have made me so happy this week:

Sunday - chili and cornbread

Monday - chicken teriyaki and fried rice

Tuesday - fettucine and creamy tomato sauce

Wednesday - tacos (Shawn cooked)

Tonight - Pizza soup (new one! never tried but sounds delicious)

Tomorrow night - cheese pizza of course! Good Friday sacrifice ;)

Intentions

I didn't really mean to stop writing here. But life. You know.

Since we last visited, the WLC has ended! I've posted on its website and in notes with Mom and Jill, that it was successful for me. But for posterity here: 10 lbs lost, 3 inches from my waist and 2 from my hips. And already (it ended on 3/18), after adding back IN a little bread here and there, I can tell when I eat it, from the belly bloat. Now, this was one thing I didn't really want to happen -- I don't want to NEVER be able to eat bread again... but on the other hand, it will likely keep me from eating much bread, and that's a good thing. I'm really hoping to maintain the 10-lb loss until the next challenge starts in May, and that will require some work. I took a break from exercise the first week after, and ate all the things I'd missed... and this week, I have been too puny to exercise. Fever, aches and chills. It's been unpleasant, even though those have been the only symptoms.

Next week is Spring Break. I presume we'll do a little walking around -- we're going to Nashville -- and maybe I can at least stretch, in the hotel room. We'll see about swimming (there's an indoor heated pool); I'm sure the kids would be up for that! And I'll want to enjoy the food in Music City! But THEN, I promise: Back to plan. (-ish.) ;)

Another thing I didn't intend to do: go to Confession the other night at church. I'd been asked to sing at the parish Penance service, and fully intended to leave right after my singing was done. But Kate wanted to come with me to the service (she likes the privilege of sitting in the choir loft when Mom sings), and as people started to line up, she asked, "Aren't you going to Confession?" She had been with her class, the week before. So what could I say?! In the end, I'm glad I did, as usual. It's comforting, after you get over the initial discomfort. I always get tearful. Our pastor is so kind and good, though. I loved having him pray over me, just me, and watching him hold the hands of everyone who came to him, if they wanted him to. I love the compassion of the priests - don't you imagine it's a bit of a burden, hearing all our shame and sinfulness, over and over? I bet it's tiring. And the place was packed. It's heartening to see that many people acknowledge their need for God's mercy and love. To know we're all in this together, we all feel bad about ourselves, and we're all loved and forgiven anyway. Already. (We do have one new-ish priest, however, and he kept this one lady in the chair for at least 15 minutes, I noticed. He was sermonizing the whole time - or so it appeared from a distance. Note to self: Don't go to Fr. Revak's line.)

Chocolate. Amen.

Today I had a craving for chocolate. I have had several great food days in a row, including my delicious lunch today of roasted potatoes and broccoli, some chicken breast, and chicken-sausage (yum!)… but for some reason, I could not stop wanting something sweet. And Lara bars were not going to do. Actually, I ate a square of the Lara bar I’ve had at my desk, Peanut Butter Cookie flavored. It didn’t help.

I’d been to Target to get a birthday card for Susan, and decided, “I’m a grown-up woman with 2 Indulgence points, and by gosh if I want chocolate, I’m going to have some!” So I bought a Ghirardelli dark bar. When I got back to work, I carefully opened the outer box and peeled open that whisper-thin gold foil. Then I glanced at the Nutrition label (habit, you know) – a serving size is 3 squares. I only broke off two – partly for symmetry (who breaks off three squares?) and partly because... if it wasn’t a whole serving, maybe I wouldn’t even count it as a deducted point! Total cheat, I know.

Next, I clicked over and re-read Leo Babauta’s The Art of Tasting Chocolate Mindfully, because I really wanted to enjoy this indulgence, and I love that post. I’ve read it many, many times before. You should too, if you haven't.

Well, what a treat. I snapped the bar. I inhaled deeply before ever going for it. Even the inhale was a treat! (I’ve been doing that a lot, and enjoying it, with the kids’ cookies, cinnamon rolls, etc. during this challenge.) It was the slowest I’ve ever eaten a square of chocolate. The only ‘flavor notes’ I tasted were a hint of marshmallow, and just the deep cocoa, but man, did I enjoy that square. After about 10 minutes I looked up and I hadn’t even eaten ¾ of it – I’d been breaking off small bites. To my surprise, I could barely finish it. I put the 2nd square back in the package. One was plenty, eaten slowly and after nearly 8 weeks without sugar  except from fruits or the occasional birthday dessert.

I’m just amazed. I used to go through 2 or 3 squares at a time at work, and wonder how they disappeared so fast!

Now We Are Nine

I clicked on my 'Kate' category early this morning and have found myself unable to stop reading. Today she turns nine. Right about now, in fact, 9:23 a.m. What a moment it was, her birth. We had no idea who/what was coming. ;)

I wrote in my gratitude journal: She completes us. Challenges us. Energizes us. Loves us. Tests us. And teaches us. I love that baby girl with all my heart. I pray again for guidance in teaching her. For calm. For wisdom. For patience and mercy. To pour out God's love on her, for her. To understand her better. To encourage her. To lift her up. 

I've been s l o w l y learning it all these nine years that it's me, not her. If *I* can control my reactions to her wild and creative and not-like-mine personality, if I can go slowly, then she'll probably follow suit. If I can't, if I let my expectations get in the way, or let my feelings get hurt, nothing works. Mothers and daughters. I never, never guessed it would be this hard. But I also never guessed a person could fill me so much, with her sparkle, her spunk, her silliness, her talent, her joy, and the weight of her sadness, when she feels it. My goodness, daughter. You're a gift and a blessing and part of God's mystery! No doubt about that.

Anyway, she opened her gifts this morning before getting dressed - her request - and seemed to love them all. A teal water bottle with a soft spout. The Little House on the Prairie box set (my heart!!). Some new clothes. A DVD ("Trolls"). New teal headphones. This weekend, we're having a big shopping day with her friend Ady Grace. Lunch at the Food Court, maybe pedicures, maybe a movie.

Today after school she'll go to choir practice, but then we'll feast on fettucine alfredo, and probably shrimp. Favorites for my favorite girl.

She's an artist.

She's a singer.

She's a good friend.

She's a character, a big personality.

She's persistent.

She's courageous.

She's smart.

She's fun to be around.

She's going to go far.

Highs and Lows

Oh, friends. Highs and lows this weekend, highs and lows. Our Nanny, Shawn's grandmother, passed away this morning after a few days' stay in the hospital. We're told she went in for stomach trouble and was dehydrated. Tests revealed both a hernia in her stomach (she would not let them operate) and kidneys that were beginning to fail. She was 90 years old and the dearest lady. I'm going to miss her, and I know that Shawn is grieving deeply, as they were very close, from the time he was a little boy. I'm so glad we were able to spend so many Memorial Day weekends with her over the years. Alex and Kate have known she was ill, and that this was likely. We'll talk with them tonight and determine our travel plans. It won't be an easy week. I prayed that Susan would make the long drive in time to see her on Saturday, and she did, praise God. She was able to be with her. I've been rolling the phrases "home-going" and "may the angels greet her" and "our sister in Christ" around in my head, knowing she's at rest and believing desperately in the heaven where we become our most perfect selves again, reunited with those who left ahead of us. I love to think of 19-year-old Bernice and Mack together again, with all their families and friends. Sometimes I think it's a strange thing to believe, don't you? I really do. How in the world (or, not in the world actually) could it be true? How does it work? But believe we do, and believe we must, and hope. I pray I'll be a useful granddaughter-in-law while we're there for the funeral, and that I will know how to best help and comfort, and hold it together myself. 

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Friday night, Alex performed in another piano solo festival, judged by the National Federation of Music Clubs' local chapters, and earned himself a 2nd Superior+ rating. He's been with this new piano teacher only 6 months and she's already done more for him than his previous 2 teachers combined. Of course, he immediately felt he didn't deserve it because he didn't play the songs perfectly. But over the weekend, I think he came to accept that the goal isn't perfection, and that his musicianship is what got him the gold star, not the individual notes. It made me wonder how I could possibly be part of the local Music Club. Is it only for music teachers? Or could a lowly church musician join/volunteer? That might be fun. Maybe I'll be brave and ask Alex's teacher. (I sure DO need one other thing in my schedule, haha.) At any rate, it was worth the drive across town on a Friday night in rush hour, to get him that win. 

Thaila's dying to get Kate, too, into piano lessons. For some reason, Kate is acting like she's unsure. I'll have to work on her. ;)

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Saturday we also did something fun. We met some of Kate's basketball teammates for lunch, and then attended a Kennesaw State Univ. women's basketball game. Really enjoyable time. The girls' season is over now (hooray! We have Saturday mornings back!), but this was a great way to cap it off. The KSU team gave autographs afterwards, and Kate immediately framed hers (a photo of the team) and has it on her dresser.

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And then, the Super Bowl. Gosh dangit. Atlanta sports, man. Always SO CLOSE.

Hahaha. Oh, dear.

Besides the negative feeling Every. Time. I. Turn. On. The. TV. or radio, we've got negative feelings swirling around the office again, big-time. Last week our much-loved Finance Manager resigned, and I just heard that our also-loved HR person is threatening to leave. Those events happened after a "town hall" meeting where our dear but bereft General Manager tried to tell us that yes, we've been in a funk, but the time to get out of the funk is NOW.

Guess what? No one's gotten out of the funk. Nice try, mister.

Meanwhile, the suits from the Motherland are here this week. I haven't received my 2016 bonus. (Maybe I've been enrolled in the Jelly of the Month club?) My manager (who also hasn't) said she "has a gut feeling" that something's afoot. She advised resume revisions for the both of us.

Just lovely.

Worse, though, is the ABSENCE of any interesting-looking jobs on the job boards. I use Glassdoor, LinkedIn, and have daily email alerts set up with more than one service... and just don't see anything that makes my heart flutter. One or two things, maybe, but I'm afraid to apply to them because they're located downtown, and I really really really don't want to add that interstate commute back to my life. That's the main thing. Remember I said? The reason I think God put me HERE, is the location. I am hesitant to give that up, even if it means not leaving this terrible, terrible company. That's crazy! But it's my truth right now. I don't know which companies in Cobb County (northwest Cobb if I'm being picky, which I am) would actually hire a writer.

And part of me doesn't even want to be in Marketing anymore, which makes this a career-change job search, which is a lot harder. Especially when you don't know what you're changing TO. hahahahahaha. Oh, dear.

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In other news, the Whole Life Challenge is going so well so far. Giving up bread and cheese hasn't been as hard as I thought. I mean, it's hard, yes, but there are enough good things we can eat, like bacon, salsa, avocados, even rice to an extent, that I don't feel totally deprived. And I just LOVE that there's no COUNTING of calories burned, or calories eaten. Just eat, if you're hungry. Approved foods. It's such a relief to not have to count out how many nuts/quinoa crackers/tablespoons of something. Of course, you're not supposed to go overboard, but it's just not that hard.

I posted this on the challenge, but want to record here that I already feel much less bloated and, well, fat. I was really feeling FAT after Christmas. I'm feeling less so now. Yesterday I wore some pants I have been relying on as comfortable ("fat pants"), and now they feel too loose. I weighed myself today and it appears I've lost 2 pounds in this first week, but of course "weight loss is just a nice side effect" on this plan - it isn't supposed to be about that. ;) (It totally IS about that.) My knees hurt less, when I get out of bed or go up and down stairs.

Today I did a Core/Abs workout (only 10 minutes, as required), and man, it got my heart rate up, too! Felt good, and I'm going to feel SORE tomorrow, I can already tell. That's what I want.

Please nobody comment on the word "fat." It's just a word, it's in my head, I know I'm not actually FAT but, you know. The negative voices in my head have used that word. I'm working on "healthy" and "better" and "toned" and "marvelous." :)

Dinners this week include:
- Grilled chicken wings, which were delicious but my house STILL smells like smoke. I'm surprised the smoke alarm didn't go off Sunday night. With celery and carrots, and spanish rice from a packet for Shawn and the kids.

- Turkey Chili. Family staple. Yum, yum. No saltines.

- Tilapia. Think I'm going to use this recipe, though I don't have tomatoes or green onions. Maybe heat up some rolls for the rest of them.

- Smoked sausage (chicken sausage for me), mac and cheese (not for me), and salad or broccoli. Easy night.

- Some type of baked chicken breast. I can't remember what I wrote down at home. Maybe chicken parm? So I'd make one without cheese, for me. See? This diet isn't that hard, even with a family to feed.

Health Kick 2017!

It's the first full week of the Challenge! I'm excited about it, and curious, and really wanting to do well and get all 35s! (5 points per habit, and there are 7 habits each day.) Most of the habits are EASY: 50 oz. of water, check. 7.25 hours of sleep, pretty easy usually. Mobility/stretching, no problem. Reflection, why sure, I'll journal for you! Even the Lifestyle practice this week is easy -- it's to write down 3 goals every day, by hand. They don't require that you DO the goals, just that you write them. (Sneaky, aren't they? Getting you to see those goals every day... Obviously it'll make you want to start working toward them... clever, clever tactic.)

The food restrictions and exercise are the hard parts for me, but as I said, I'm enthusiastic right now, and hopeful for some great, visible results, so we'll see. 

Man, our weekend was bonkers. We never really got to relax. We're in that stage of life, I guess. Saturday Kate had an 8:00 am basketball game, and Alex had his piano lesson at 9:00. Then Kate and I went to the Girl Scouts' Mother-Daughter Tea at 11, and Alex had to help at the school's Open House since he's on Student Council. Everyone was home by about 4:00, and I rushed to Publix to do my shopping (WLC prep and weekly meals!). I made it home by 5:30, just in time to throw the cold things in the freezer/fridge, change clothes, and go out to dinner to celebrate Shawn's birthday! What a whirlwind. Nice that it's always a lonnnnng meal there; we actually got to SIT. Also nice that red wine isn't forbidden on the WLC level I'm playing -- I enjoyed myself a delicious glass of Cabernet. Ahhhhhh. The kids enjoyed their first fondue and we were SO FULL afterwards.

Then Sunday was our regular Mass time, which eats up the entire morning, and at 2:00 we made the drive to Alpharetta to watch the Falcons win the NFC Championship!! It was so fun! What a great game. The Packers played terribly (thank God). So now we're really, really excited for the Super Bowl! I will undoubtedly get zero points for nutrition on February 5.

More (new) food

Through Christmas break and New Year's, our fridge stayed full. I think I served leftovers for more than 6 meals while my parents were here (mostly lunches, but some dinners, too). But it has all finally dwindled down and we're down to bare bones on this Friday, mostly because I never have time during the week to make a grocery run - do you? This morning for breakfast the kids got the last of the frozen mini pancakes, and Gatorade, because there was no juice in the house (and they don't drink milk). In their lunches they have oyster crackers as a side item. "They're just like goldfish!" I told them.

The Whole Life Challenge hasn't started yet but I'm spending a little time on Pinterest today (and did yesterday) trying to come up with 2 or 3 weekly dinner menus that we can all live with. Some things will be our usual favorites (with modifications for me), and others will be new, because it's good to try new things. I am a little worried that the grocery bill is going to shock me, since I'll have to check brands for added sugars and that probably means buying the fancy-pants versions of staples like spaghetti sauce. I also anticipate getting sick of salad with plain protein and oil and vinegar, which will probably be my go-to when I'm out of ideas. But here's a week I came up with yesterday:

Monday - Salmon-Asparagus foil packets with rolls (obviously I won't eat a roll). Good thing the kids like salmon, although they're used to maple-syrup-glazed. Hopefully lemon and garlic will be acceptable as an alternative.

Tuesday - we're still going to have basketball practice/gymnastics on Tuesdays, so it'll be fast food. Not sure how I'll handle that, except maybe to eat a HUGE lunch on those days.

Wednesday - Spaghetti, with the aforementioned fancy-pants sauce, as well as zucchini noodles for me, made with my new spiralizer! I bought a manual version, not an expensive one, so I may hate using it, but I'm willing to give it a shot.


Thursday - Burgers, with homemade patties or an organic, sugar-free brand of pre-made (Bubba Burgers makes a grass-fed version). I just won't have a bun. Or chips. Or french fries. Sob! Maybe I'll make a chunky guacamole with tomatoes and call it a salad. (How I LOVE that avocados are allowed/encouraged!)

Friday - Chicken Drumsticks, oven-baked with a spice rub, brown rice, arugula and green beans. I think everyone will LOVE these, although they're supposed to cook for an hour, which is more than our weeknight time-budget usually allows. We'll see.

I'm also going to have to really plan out breakfasts and lunches. That means making SOUPS on the weekends to freeze, and maybe scrambled egg things, too.

And this is just the food! Never mind fitting in exercise every day, and journaling, and getting enough sleep, as the WLC requires! It's going to be a 2nd full-time job.

Starting 2017

The New Year (Year-End) Review... I feel pressured to do it, for some reason, though it isn't critical. I tried to do some thinking about 2016 during the holiday break and New Year's weekend, and here's what I came up with. The good stuff:

• Our Aussie cousins' visit in January
• In April we saw Mom and Dad, on the way back from their trip to France
• May, I traveled by air for the first time in AGES, to Seattle for Jilly's birthday weekend (sadly leaving Shawn to drive the kids to Nanny's in the middle of a bout of strep throat). Jilly and I had a blast, touristing and eating and having heart-to-hearts
• June included, like always, a kid attending camp at Winshape (Kate) and then our beach trip
• July, despite missing some of Alex's birthday due to the trip, was my trip to Germany, an eye-opener and good time, both professionally and personally (I was honored/surprised to be the person that my manager chose to share her Catholicism/God/Divine Inspiration/Faith story with, and thought, maybe that's why we were in each others' lives all along, that one conversation...)
• August was the beginning of my personal health quest to walk for at least 15 minutes, as many days as possible. I've kept it up with various levels of success since then. August also saw my work-life change dramatically with the departure of the same manager, who generally caused me stress and anxiety. But to balance that good thing, the start of school meant we had a hard time transitioning Kate to a regular bedtime again. We will work harder to avoid that mistake again in the future.
• September, we hosted Tom and Dominique and their kids, and Angie and Scott and their kids, with a super-fun dinner party at our house, and then went to a Braves/Nationals game the next day; we threw a grand party in Pensacola for Mom's 70th; and I invited the SJCS Moms to my house for a wine night, which was so fun. 3 parties!
• October, we hosted our family who was evacuated from South Carolina for Hurricane Matthew. Fun to see them; strange week overall with their different schedule/routines than ours. But it was a good thing to do, the only right thing, obviously.
• And November and December we hosted the holidays at our house, with Mom and Dad and then Mom, Dad, and Jill.

It was quite a good year. Christmas and New Year's were at home and rainy. The whole time, I felt weird/bad that we weren't doing any sight-seeing, or hiking together, or interesting activities, especially after Jill showed me around Seattle like a boss earlier in the year. I hated that she came all the way over here to the East Coast to... enjoy my couch and kitchen. But I told myself, and everyone, that maybe God/The Universe thought we all just needed To Rest. We rested, for sure. We watched movies, read books, played a ton of board games, ate leftovers, napped, and watched the days go by rather fast. Shawn's home with the kids today and tomorrow while I'm at work, and then the kids go back Thursday. Done and done.

They loved their Christmas presents, btw.

Goals from 2016? Well. I didn't do much work to get out of this job that I don't love, but other things shifted a little AT the job, as mentioned, so I'm waiting. And I decided, I am here for proximity to the kids' school, for now, and that's enough. Acceptance. (I still get email alerts for new jobs, and sometimes still read them.) Right now, I'm trying to take initiative and be professional in my work  responsibilities. It's not easy. I'm also appreciative of my team members, who are also friends.

For the New Year, Mom and Jill and I are going to do the Whole Life Challenge together, starting on the 21st. I think it's going to be hard. I'm trying not to dread it (and dreading it). But I need something to help jump-start me to a better mindset about food. I don't want to continue my bad habits in 2017. Habits like:

• Eating chips and salsa, standing up, after getting home from work when I'm really hungry
• Cheeze-Its
• Chocolate at work, chocolate at home
• Relying on Pizza and Pasta and hamburger buns for every weekly dinner menu
• Fast-food and Mexican for lunch every week

I am sure the WLC will help me kick those habits, so I'm willing to try it. No bread, no sugar, no cheese for 8 weeks. *big eyes* I'm also reading Cravings: A Catholic Wrestles with Food, Self-Image and God, for a spiritual boost on the same topic. I hope it's good for both soul-food and table-food. :)

And beyond that, I (am resolved to STOP picking up my phone at traffic lights, and) just want to maintain my place right now, and my "project," which has kept me sane and happier the last several months. Walking, meditation, calm but firm parenting. Acceptance. Contentment. Curiosity. Those are my words for the year.

Les grands menus de Noel!

I've got nothing left but menus. I've been useless at work (well, almost useless - I did schedule a  meeting today about an upcoming infographic - doesn't that sound fun??), and even more useless at home (has anything been cleaned yet or prepped or baked? nope). But I think I know what my menu plans are -- knowing that it's fine if plans change, there is no such thing as a perfect Christmas -- for the nights when my parents and sister are here:

I'll back it up to this week's menus, just for kicks.

M (last night) - I got a last-minute invitation to dinner with my girlfriends, at a steakhouse that Shawn and I had just decided we wanted to try sometime soon. Sorry honey, that I had to go without you. It WAS good enough to go there again, so now I"m looking forward to Valentine's Day. Shawn, BLESS HIM, offered to take the kids out, too, which stopped the figurative bleeding of my injurious decision to leave Kate on a weeknight. How dare I?! She told me in high decibels that "whenever they invite you, you GO! Every DAY!" Also, I'm The Worst. But as soon as Shawn mentioned Waffle House, guess what? The wailing stopped on a dime. I may never understand her but I do appreciate the humor (!!) she brings to the family.

T - We'll either have soup and grilled cheese sandwiches, or Omaha Steaks hamburgers, a gift we received last week from Shawn's Mom. Either way, YUM. Also, our first non-restaurant Tuesday meal since October!

W - Tacos. Alex already spied the Old El Paso box in the pantry and he can't wait.

Th - I do have to go to the last choir rehearsal before Christmas (boo), so we'll eat something quickly at home. Maybe pizza, maybe the other option from Tuesday, either burgers or soup and grilled cheese.

F - The day everyone arrives!! I plan on Happy Hour first, of course, and then if I can swing it, our turkey breast and dressing dinner, with salad and cranberry sauce (jelly), and rolls. Aunt Jilly didn't have our family's special dressing on her Thanksgiving, so she requested it.

S (Christmas Eve) - I'm torn. Last year we went to Bahama Breeze after Kate's early church service, and it was really nice. Cozy, no cooking required... I'm considering that again. OR I'll make potato soup in the crock pot. We'll see how everyone feels ("oh, whatever you want to do, Lee...")

S (Christmas Day!) - for Breakfast, we'll have crepes. I had an egg casserole on my list of possibilities, but yesterday one of the kids mentioned crepes. Yay! I've made a tradition that they ask for! So I'll make those while they're playing with their new presents and the Christmas carols are playing on Pandora, and I'll have my Christmas morning punch in-hand, and it will all be lovely! Then for late lunch/early dinner, Lasagna! With some kind of festive salad (maybe the one R. mentioned in her Christmas menu: Mandarin Orange Salad  with leafy lettuce, green onion, cilantro, cucumber, mandarin orange slices + red wine vinegar dressing)... and garlic bread. And I'm planning on Cherries Jubilee for dessert after a long, lazy, wonderful day with family and food and presents and National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation and other merriment. It's supposed to be rainy, which is just FINE with me.

For the following two days, we'll wing it a little, but a Snacky Dinner is a possibility, as well as taking everyone to one of our favorite restaurants, Fish Thyme.Or some good Georgia BBQ, maybe. Lots to choose from. Here's to your menus! Stay present and calm.

Mid-December update

I feel like I'm forgetting to just observe my mind and not believe everything. My mind is trying to tell me that there's a lot to do, "and you still haven't started this and that and the other, and you need to have it all planned to the minute and get another gift for X person and hurry hurry don't forget!!" But not all of that is true. I need to breathe. (I need to take 15 minutes and close my eyes to breathe, I mean. Every day. How is it that all my coping mechanisms have gone out the window, when I was just here, proclaiming that they're how I cope so well!?)

We have done some festive baking, without too much hurry or stress. Sugar cookies with icing and sprinkles, an easy "funfetti" cookie with M&Ms, and the first batch of peanut clusters last night. (It just isn't Christmas without them.) Kate's been dying to bake and bake and bake. When I'm not rolling my eyes as she explodes eggs into the batter instead of gently cracking them, I think she enjoys herself. Bless it. There's no other way for them to practice, I guess, than to make messes. And I know that in the long run, letting her spill and stir and help clean up teaches her confidence, and that I trust her and love being/doing with her, no matter what mistakes she makes. Important! (But it is a little test for me to stay patient.) I want to get Alex involved, too, but he manages to always be working on something else when we're in the kitchen.

The last 2 weekends have been easy, with very few plans or commitments. I'm grateful. We ordered Chinese food one Friday night, went to a cozy pizza place for dinner early last Saturday, then came home and watched Christmas movies all piled up on the couch. We've had our typical chores and errands, but nothing much additional. No choir party this year... no extra birthday parties, somehow... no need for dressing up or getting a babysitter. It's good. Although I'd really like to go to some kind of Christmas concert (or the Nutcracker) at some point while the kids are young, I'm glad we haven't had to work it into our calendar right now. Maybe there will be one at a church this weekend.

I wonder if my working hard to stay calm is what's also slowing me down at work. I just don't have any drive. Or is this time of year is always quiet at work (something I should certainly be grateful for)? I'm unsure. None of my projects interest me. Some are writing projects, but those are hard to start. And I often feel like I work in a vacuum: my closest team members now are in the UK and Germany. There's not enough idea-bouncing. Or something. New for me this year, I'm planning content months in advance. It's really hard to be interested when the deadline isn't until March or April. Ah, well. I did get a raise, thanks to Shan's kind negotiating it. Not a huge raise, and it sounds like she really had to push our grouchy German head of HR to get even that, but I'm grateful.

So I guess the tl;dr is that we're having a fairly quiet Advent, when I manage to turn off the voices in my head. :) I'm lighting candles nearly every night, and waiting for Christmas to come.

Pushed too hard

Welp, this morning (again) she didn't want to go to school. Yesterday, of course, was her long activities day -- she had basketball at 6 and then gymnastics from 7:30-8:30. When I saw her at 4:30 she said she felt fine. But continuing on meant that she didn't get into bed until 9:30.

Glad I remembered to bring the laptop home. The bonus for me includes:

• coffee in a ceramic mug instead of a tumbler
• refills
• Spanish eggs for breakfast
• a candle burning all day
• sock feet and comfy pants
• Christmas tree lights for cheer
• HGTV and Food Network in my ear, instead of Customer Service Reps in the cubicles next to me
• carpool at 3:00

I already had a Skype call before Kate even woke up, so that's good. Work from home days are the best. 

A little cold

It's been a while since I had any specific "working mom" woes. Since July, I guess, when I had to leave the country on Alex's birthday. But today Kate woke up feeling crummy, and I/we had to tell her to suck it up. Not in those words.

If I weren't working it would be so easy to let them stay home when they only feel a little bit bad. She didn't have a fever, no headache; she's just had a tight chest and sniffles for 3 days. She said, "The classroom is out of tissues and when I have to cough, it's loud," and she's felt self-conscious about it. So if I COULD stay home, gosh, wouldn't it be nice to just cuddle up with her and say, "It's okay, honey, let's just go back to sleep and stay in all day. Don't breathe on me." Especially on a day like today where it was POURING rain this morning. Sigh.

But that might not be the right call. Maybe kids need to learn that they make daytime cold medicines so we can get through days like this (a thing I actually told her this morning, to convince her to TAKE the TRIAMINIC even though she was protesting mightily). I know I've relied on DayQuil many days when I'd rather have been in bed. This is the real world, better get used to it. Toughen them up.

Ah, well. Anyway. It's fine, she'll be fine. I'm not sad over it, just thinking. She took the meds, went to school, and I trust Shawn will judge, when he picks her up, whether or not she can go to gymnastics, or if she should come home instead. I pray we didn't push too hard today. Obviously I'm taking my laptop home with me today just in case. (Maybe even hopefully.) If a fever develops, at least I'll be ready. Here, sweetie, eat an orange. Eat two. Early bedtime tonight. Feel better.

Remember This:

#CalmTip: The mind will do what it wants to do. Observe gently and don’t believe everything 🙏🏼

A photo posted by Calm (@calm) on Nov 27, 2016 at 1:10pm PST

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This thought saved me yesterday, and I predict it will save me many more times this season. I am not going to get stressed about Christmas. I am going to only observe gently (LOVE THAT), and not believe everything.

Confessions and purchases

I think I've mentioned that my Thursday night choir practice has become... less than inspiring... since our director, John, resigned. We've had a substitute and she's very nice and plays the organ beautifully, but, at the risk of sounding like a diva soprano, she's not really teaching us anything. John had chosen music for us before he left, to cover every Sunday through Epiphany including all the Christmas Midnight Mass songs. It's all stuff we have done a million times before, and our rehearsals consist of running through these songs, over and over. I'd go into other details but it's boring and maybe whiny.

Last night, I decided that attending rehearsal is "no longer serving me," to borrow a phrase from the wellness and happiness-movement languages. Hush, you voices that say, "But music ministry is supposed to be about you serving them, not the other way around, Lee." I know. I'll serve on Sunday. I just don't think rehearsal is doing me any good. In fact, it makes me growly and tired. John would always challenge us vocally, to conserve the breath, to aim for the very pinpoint of the pitch, to use dynamics and phrasing to make something beautiful. I miss that. Even WITH that, though, sometimes choir practice was still the same old songs, and I've been in the group for 10-ish years now.

SO, last night I didn't let on to the kids or to Shawn, but I opted out and went shopping, by myself, instead. All year I've been remembering, then forgetting, that my black trouser socks have holes in the toes... or that my Am0ena bras, which I LOVE, are in fact, more than a few years old at this point... or that I've, ahem, gained a pound or two, and guess what, my sweaters don't fit as comfortably as they used to. (BTW, I saw this tip yesterday, for stretching out shrunken clothes. I wonder if it works?)

I went to Kohl's with my handy dandy credit card and their constant promise of percentages off -- everything's always on sale there, every day! -- and I bought stuff FOR ME. Well, first I bought stuff for Shawn -- he needed new basics, too. But then, I spent 30 minutes trying on a VARIETY of bras. I went back and forth from the fitting room, more than twice! Here are all the necessaries I bought: Bra, 4-pack underwear, 6-pack trouser socks, 1 pair of jeans, two sweaters, one tank top, one pair of running shoes (walking)... It was extravagant! At least to me.

Usually when I declare I'm going shopping, a lovely 8-year-old wants to come, and she is not so patient when Mommy wants to try things on for a half-hour. And somehow, we always end up in the Girls 6X-10 area, and by then I don't want to spend more money on me. So this wandering around, all on my own, was so unusual! Freedom! Craziness!

After Kohl's I still had plenty of time, so I popped into Ross next, and found a pair of black ankle boots for $22. Score. THEN, on a high, I took myself to Books-A-Million and JUST BROWSED, quietly, in the Fiction/Literature shelves (NOT THE KIDS' SECTION) for 20 full minutes! I was thirsty, so I bought a Sprite Zero. This made me laugh out loud. Such a TREAT! (And so ridiculous that it's a treat!) I came home feeling energetic, actually, like some burden had been lifted (the burden of remembering all the things I needed to buy? maybe).

Who knew socks and underwear could so inspire!?

P.S. Guess what else? Today, I skipped work for a 3.5-hour "lunch," to chaperone Kate's field trip to the Symphony! My manager's on an airplane back from Germany, she'll never know. TOTAL REBEL IN THE HOUSE, everybody WATCH OUT.

Weary

Funny how everyone kept saying, "I'll just be so GLAD when this is over," all during the election cycle, and now that it's over, no one is glad.

I'm disappointed to see T-Rump representing us. It made me say a bad word when I woke up Wednesday and checked the news. He's not a decent person, I don't think. Not by a long shot. But you know what? This is how American democracy works, and why are people surprised that the "change" candidate won? That's normal after an 8-year term. I'm sick of the reaction to it already. I am sorry for the people who feel despondent and betrayed, and as I said, I don't like him either, but I'm weary of all the dramatic, earnest, "I will"/"I will not" posts in my social feeds. (Note to self: Stop checking FB, duh. And stop listening to news radio for a while.)

I downloaded two new books to distract me. Last night, though, I fell asleep immediately, at around 9:00, and wasn't able to shake myself out of it enough to make lunches or read. Shawn and I both, we think, aren't adjusted to the time change! Isn't that weird? Our kids seem fine, it's the grown-ups who can't get used to it. AskMoxie didn't warn me about this, heh.

Today I woke up with neck pain. I don't know what's going on with my shoulder and neck, but it's not great. I suspect that years of choral singing contribute to the shoulder pain -- holding a hymnal high and out in front isn't doing me any favors. Nor is sitting at a computer and reaching for the mouse all day every day. And probably, doing a lot of downward-facing dog and other yoga poses without really thinking about shoulder alignment. For the last 3-4 weeks I have had pretty consistent pain at the front of my right shoulder. Sometimes, I guess, when it's worse, I hold tension there and it moves across to my neck. Like today. I roll it and turn it and stretch it but nothing's working yet. I'll end up taking an Aleve but I'd kind-of like to just leave it alone and see what happens. Will it seize up completely? Should I go see a doctor? Probably. But I don't feel like having to do X-rays, only to be told they don't see anything, and I'm too chicken to try a chiropractor. I don't know. Modern problems. I've heard of people going to the doc for aches and pains and being told, "It's because you're using your mobile device too much." I don't want THAT diagnosis, either - how embarrassing. We'll see what happens. We've talked about investigating a new, fancy Sleep Number bed, too.

Since I'm already a little grumpy (but overall great! Kids are great! Husband even better! It's finally fall! It's almost the weekend!) I'll also tell you that I STILL, after 20 years at this writing thing, get annoyed when I get edited. Which happened this morning. (Or, not so much edited as told, "I'm not seeing the connection between this headline and that text," or, "It doesn't look right, now that I see it in the layout." It's never the layout's fault, by the way. It's NEVER that maybe it should have been designed differently. Nope.) So I'm off to go rewrite a headline that I thought was a good, unique, able-to-be-translated way to SAY THE SAME THING AGAIN. Argh.