I think the problem is that I'm letting a tough project get to me emotionally. It's been a long while since I've had a really difficult project, one where I had to actually buckle down and learn something. I've been doing my job for years now. In different capacities, yes, but the same basic job -- so I usually don't have to think that hard about it. In this case, that's not true. Besides having to actually use my brain, I have to work around some technicial difficulties that I'm not used to -- that aren't a typical part of my job. To be frank, it sucks royally.
As far as being "over the edge," I had several moments yesterday of "Waaa, I want to quit working," but I think they're nothing more than any working person has, really, any day of the week. It's very "Office Space:"
"Yeah, I don't think I'm going to go to work any more. I just don't feel like going.... Well, what about, like bills and stuff?.... Uh, you know, I never really liked paying them... I don't think I'll pay them anymore, either."
And I mean, don't we all feel that way half the time? The only difference here is, I actually have something I'd really rather be doing, and that, of course, is being a mommy. So it comes down to that for me, because I'm still biologically attached to that child, no matter how well I Play the Professional or the Supermom. The wish to stay home is natural -- I don't think any mom ever truly goes back to the office willingly. Maybe I'm wrong. I know that I didn't go willingly. I knew that, for the time being, this was how it had to be, and since it's become the routine, I've just accepted it and gotten lazy about it, I guess -- lazy about trying to make the situation different. If I was really determined, I suppose I could find a way to budget it all out. But figuring that out takes time and energy, too, which I am a bit short on these days. So I do my best. I really enjoy having adult company, and I am proud of the work I do, when I have the energy to do it well. But deep down, I sometimes wish that I hadn't been born in this post-feminism era, where women are allowed and encouraged to do it all. I don't mean I want to go back to subservience, I just mean... you know what I mean. I'm glad to have had the chance at a career, and all the rights and privileges blah blah blah. But lately I feel like now is the time for something else for me. A different Career - that time-honored one.
I got mad when I once read a post by a woman who said she was "adamantly" Stay-at-Home -- she meant, every mom needs to, and those who don't are "less than." At that time I defended all the reasons (justifications) for working outside the home. I was incensed that she thought she could label me as not as good a mother, because I had to devote time to something other than the baby. I think I told her that, We Are the Mothers that We Are. Working or not, we are 100% mother. And if we work, it informs and is part of our mothering. But... I'm getting tired of defending it. I'd rather pick the one job -- the Home Manager -- and leave the other one behind.
So my mind is whirring. Refinance the house? Never, ever eat out again? Coupons? Who knows.
I wish this post were more definitive. I guess I'm in a state of The Unknown. Maybe I'm always in this state and it only bubbles to the surface every once in a while. I know I'm having to wrestle with this tough project at work for a reason... maybe it's to bring all these thoughts into my mind and make me do something about it.
Or maybe it's just to keep me on my toes. At any rate, I'd better get to work. AJ's tearing something apart in the den, and I haven't checked my voice mail yet.
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