honestly, thankfully, attentively...

Those words, via Toni's old blog, have inspired me for more than a year now. They're taped to the cabinet in my little cubicle, right where I can see them. :)

Monday as I was going around my round, trying to squeeze in all the daily tasks like Swiffering the floors (sooo dirty with warmer weather and playing outside), dusting the furniture, folding little sockies (and sockies and sockies), paying bills (and bills and bills), I tried, really tried, to remain thankful. Thank You, for the fact that I HAVE these days at home when I really should be working 7 hours straight for WORK, but Thank You, that I sometimes don't. Thank You, for the secrecy of not being watched or made to post my time. Thank You, for giving me such a beautiful child whose socks I'm folding. Thank You, for the money to pay for a new bottle of Tide since I see we're running low today. Thank You, for a husband who isn't a slob, who motivates me just by being himself, to clean up my crap.

It's like a mantra. Or like that form of prayer, what's it called? Centering Prayer -- where you just repeat and focus on one word. Jesus. Jesus. Or, Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Saying it was a comfort Monday, even while I felt hurried, pushed to get all that home-caring stuff knocked off my list. (Also made me feel better while doing work-work.)

Honest about my feelings. Church Choir. Not happy. Not making me happy to go there anymore. After we break for the summer, I'm out. Finished. No -- maybe not forever, just... suspended for a time. I really need this time, every bit that I can soak up, to be with AJ and my husband. You just don't get time back, and if it isn't making me happy, I can't continue to spend it. And honestly? I do feel like I'm missing out on something. When DH and I were just starting to date seriously, we did go to church together. We held hands during the homily. We gave each other the Kiss of Peace (one of the major benefits of being married, I think, is KNOWING that you'll turn to your spouse FIRST for the Kiss of Peace, don't you think? Instead of wondering, "Do I go left or right? Is the person to my left alone? Because if so, I'll turn to the left." Hee.) I just value worshipping together; however zoned out we are on a given Sunday, at least we're there, next to each other, hearing the same message and breathing the same incensed air. And yes, we're still together if I'm in the choir area while he's in the pews... but it's not the same. It's not "family" time, in my mind. Instead it's me, Apart from them. No good. It'll be hard to tell my choir buddies and the director, but oh well. I'll just have to take a deep breath and tell him. He'll have to live with it.

Last night I had Not-Book-Club with 2 friends, Nancy and Jennifer (we were a bit disabled by illness and babysitter issues, usually we have about 8) and it was wonderful. Although, for the 2nd month in a row, I get an "F" in Book Club for not even BUYING the book. Sigh. I am going to be more dedicated to this from now on. Attentive. Because one of the best things in the entire WORLD is a good book discussion, and I want to help create those. Despite our BC handicaps (Amy Tan's Saving Fish from Drowning was determined to be not as good as her other books, and much too character-heavy -- we talked about it exactly 14 minutes I think), we had a great time. It is such a blessing to have friends you can count on, for advice and support and wine. :) And I'm not just saying this because I told them about my blog and they might be reading. (hi, guys!) I'm saying it because one of my great weaknesses is being inattentive to my friendships. And I need to rememdyremedy that.

Edited: evidently another great weakness is typing. rememdy. Ha.