Stalling

A play in one act.

Scene: Present-day. Post-dinner, Dad's calmly washing dishes and Mom's tidying up in the family room. A young boy stares at the TV. Or alternately, throws small plastic letters onto the floor.

Mom: "AJ, let's turn off our James and the Giant Peach DVD and go up to take a BATH!" :) :) :) [symbol represents the level of Mom's effort to make something fun! or happy!]

AJ: "Yah, and foost let's put dat James an-a Diant Peat DFeeDee in-a its TASE."

"Honey, we don't need to put it in its case; let's just leave it in the DVD player [because God KNOWS we'll be hitting the Play button the MINUTE we are both in this room again tomorrow]..."

"Tase?" [stomps little feet]

"No, honey. Time for Bath."

[tries new tactic] "May I pease toon off da DFeeDee player, Mama?"

"[OH you ask so politely so as I cannot refuse!] OK, turn it off. Push that off button. Good job."

"I did a dood job wif dat, Da-da."

"Come on, AJ. Let's go up the stairs. Move it, monkey, move it." :)

"You tarry me????"

"No, buddy, you can walk like a big boy."

"You hafta hold my hand."

"Okay, I'm holding your hand, here we go."

(insert whine) "Mama, you TARRRRRRY me. [I'm so forLORN.]"

"Nope, walk like a big boy. Or Ah-ma gonna GET YOU!" :) :) :)

"Aaah! Mama! NO, don't GET ME. [stops walking, pouts] TARRY ME."

"I will carry you halfway, then you have to walk by yourself."

"Otay. I goin' all da way UP."

"Up, that's right. [All 28 pounds of you. My poor knees...] [winces]"

"Tan I listen to a HeeDee in my room?"

"We will turn on a CD while we get undressed for your BATH. [Remember, the bath? THE BAAAATH.]"

[runs off] "I put dis HeeDee in my BED? OH! Dere's Woody and Jesse!"

"No, honey, CDs don't go in your bed. PUT WOODY DOWN and come over here, let's get undressed."

"I wanna be a DOGGIE [pulls shirt over head, halfway]. Arf! Arf! [crawls away]

"Which CD do you want, AJ? Come on, pick one [already, and get over here]."

"Mmm, whit one I want? [quizzical. also adorable.] Hode me up an I will hee, Mama. Hode me UP."

[opens and shuts each case]

[begins to lose her mind] "HONEY. Just pick one or I am going to put in the Wiggles one."

"NOOOOO MAMA! I don' WANNNNN A Widdles one!!!"

[ohnolordjesus, please not this now.] Okay, how about Pooh Bear?"

"Pooh. An maybe... Mickey Mouse? TWOOOO HeeDees, Mama? ...*I* will put it in. [long emphasis on I]

[mama debates addressing the 2-CD request at all, decides against] "You do that. Okay. There we go. Push Play. Very good. NOW. Bath time!" :)

"I tan't hear dat. I need a toon it UP."

[fortheloveofpete] "Turn it up. Now that's it. Into the bathroom."

[...much strife over Mama's soliloquy, "To Pee or Not To Pee"...]

[AJ runs to bathtub] "*I* wanna do da bubbles. *I* do it."

[Mama sits wearily on tub's ledge] "Yes, honey, you do it."

[pours bubbles]

"Now I haffa rinse dat (the bottle cap)."

[mama sighs]

"Now I haffa dwyyyy dat. Where my Mr. Frog...?" [goes looking]

[mama crumbles to floor] "AJ the bath is getting full. Let's go."

"Maybe Woody wan to take a baf wif me, Mama? Tan I go get him an' put him in?"

[mama looks up from the floor] [Have we even moved from ten minutes ago? Are we progressing? No? Okay, good. I'll just lie here then...]

:) :) :).... :)


Curtain. (The story-reading in Act II was equally entertaining.)