Living inside my head

I'm developing a theory that the reason kids are all screamy during their ones and twos is less because they're trying to become independent, and more because they are IN PAIN. Poor AJ has four molars pushing through, one in each quadrant of his mouth. His tantrums had decreased significantly last week and over the weekend, but all of sudden the last 2 nights Jekyl returned and we've had nothing but fits from dinner (which he also doesn't eat, even when it's chicken which he loves, probably because it hurts)... 'til bedtime. It's exhausting. It's got to be relative to mouth pain. I know that I'm a b-i-t-c-h when I've had mouth surgery or a big trip to the dentist -- it makes my whole head hurt. So I can't imagine it'd be much different for a kid.

Other than that, I'm all self-focused and think-y in my head lately. Nothing coherent that I'm ready to share, but there hasn't been much mental energy left for intelligent blogging, so here's this, to fill up the space. A Classic "Getting To Know Your Friends" email. You'll love it.

1. Legal First name?
Lee

2. Were you named after anyone? Maternal grandmother
and grandfather both had Lee in their names, as does
my mother

3. Do you wish on stars?
Absolutely, on the first one if I see it

4. When did you last cry?
Friday afternoon, no wait, Sunday morning during a
particularly moving hymn

5. What is your favorite lunch meat?
*embarrassed to say this* bologna

6. What is your birth date?
Jun 4

7. What is your most embarrassing CD?
I had a friend go to the trouble of downloading all of
Britney's songs and burning me a CD, back in the early
days of Napster.

8. If you were another person, would YOU be friends
with you? Heh. Good question. I guess I would but I
sure wish I'd call myself more often.

9. Do you use sarcasm a lot?
Heh. Guess.

10. What are your nicknames?
Honey, Lee-Bee

11. Would you bungee jump?
No way no how

12. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
sometimes

13. Do you think that you are strong? Not very.

14. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? I say coffee ice
cream every time.

15. Shoe Size?
6 1/2

16. Red or pink?
Red

17. What is your least favorite thing about yourself?
I have crazy guilt issues and I'm lazy about important
things like taxes and home "business" stuff.

18. Who do you miss most? Depends on the day. I miss
family, friends, Granny, AJ (while I'm at work)

19. Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it
back? No, but if anyone wants to play, feel free!

20. What color pants/skirt and shoes are you now
wearing?
khaki skirt, black shoes

21. What are you listening to right now?
iPod! Bela Fleck playing Paganini's "Allegro Vivace"
on the banjo

22. What did you eat for breakfast?
(this was yesterday - today i'm not having b'fast, Ash Wednesday fast and all)
Mocha-cappucino smoothie, YUM. Made
it myself!

23. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
Lavender. I told someone this the other day -- it's
indecisive. Is it pink or is it purple? That's me.

24. What is the weather like right now?
Clear, crisp, and in the 60s. Yum.

25. Last person you talked to on the phone?
best friend "larry," last night

26. What is the first thing you notice about the
opposite sex?
Hair, eyes

27. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
Yes! She is one of my very first friends. :)

28. Favorite Drink?
Coca Cola

29. Hair Color?
Brown (and some grays! Damnit!)

30. Do you wear contacts?
nope

31. Favorite Food?
Pizza? Mexican? Too difficult to decide.

32. Last Movie You Watched?
Lord only knows�. oh yeah, I think it was "White
Chicks" on Encore. Ugh. Husband had it on. *embarrassed, once again!*

34. Scary Movies or Happy Endings?
Happy Endings

35. Summer or winter?
Fall

36. Hugs OR Kisses?
Hugs

37. What Is Your Favorite Dessert?
the real gooey, thick, fudgey chocolate cakes

38. Who Is Most Likely To Respond?
oh, I don't know. Beansy already did in email, so I guess she wins

39. Who Is Least Likely To Respond?
eveyrone else

40. Living Arrangements?
House. 3br 2.5ba -- with DH, AJ and Napoleon, of
course.

What Books Are You Reading?
Just finished "Secret Life of Bees!" Need to start something. Maybe Harry Potter 6?

42. What's On Your Mouse Pad?
No mouse pads here

43. What Did You Watch on TV last night? Season premiere of The Amazing Race!

44. Favorite Smells?
DH's t-shirts just out of the laundry, AJ's breath, Christmas tree smell...

45. Favorite junk food?
Chips and salsa

46. Rolling Stones or Beatles?
OMG, Beatles. I Hhhhhhhhate the R. Stones!

47. What's the farthest you've been from home?
Japan

Word cloud

Hat-tip to Melessa for showing me this. Check out my "word cloud." I thought it was fairly accurate -- supposedly it goes into your URL and picks out the most-often used words. I added "ridiculous," which seems like it needs to be there -- but overall it captures the right concepts. I love that it scanned to find both "poo" and "poop." :) Hee hee. You can get one, too, here.

What inspires me?

Instead of my usual, I thought I could use a shot of Happy today, and after reading the beautiful lists of inspiration by Madame Rubies and Tiff, *I* was inspired!

First off, the word that caught my attention in Heather's post, the thing that inspires her, that jolted me to attention, was "Stillness." I have to borrow that. Stillness, without a doubt, inspires me. I just wish there were more of it in my life! For me, though, to really be inspired, I'd have to add solitude. Stillness, with others... well, I'm not sure I've ever really experienced that! I think stillness begs for solitude, and I love them as a pair.

Studying music inspires me. Not just listening, which can be inspirational, but when I've studied a piece intimately, and have been taught the why and wherefore of each note and each marking, it becomes infinitely more beautiful -- especially when it's then played/sung/performed perfectly. By me, or otherwise. Just yesterday I heard either the 2nd or 3rd movement of Beethoven's 5th on the classical radio station -- one phrase in particular reminded me of when I'd studied it in a music lit class in college, and I smiled. Ravel's Bolero inspires me every time I hear it and I hate to leave before it's finished. (Also, to continue music-geeking-out for a moment here, gorgeous suspensions, and dissonances that then resolve into harmonies -- Yeah.)

Watching AJ's face while he's asleep. Getting right up close to it so I can breathe his breath. Even better? Holding him while he sleeps. Heaven.

Driving with the windows down in spring. I especially like doing this at night, on nights when I'm returning from church, and I drive through the National Park near my house. It's very dark back there, and that cool, dark wind gives me a rush of happy.

Beautiful, descriptive, intelligent writing inspires me. Reading it, I mean. There's nothing like good writing.

Lives of unshakable, quiet faith in God's plan.

Holding hands and walking slowly.

Deep breaths of sunny morning.

Alright, dude!

This weekend marked a pretty big milestone in AJ's highway of life -- specifically, his speech development -- he learned to say "DUUUUUUUDE." As if that wasn't awesome enough, he also put it together with "Awwwww-iiiiiiiight," to make "Awight, dooooo!" DH and I cracked up and tried to find every reason we could think of to get him to say it again. :) In family lore, one of the first things I said to DH when we met was something that ended with "dude," and he thought it was dreamy. A girl who says "dude." So you see the significance of this moment for us.

** * ** * ** * ** * ** * ** *

Tip: Next time you go to an event like the circus in downtown Atlanta, on a weekend, try to pick a weekend when downtown isn't ALSO being used by thousands of glitter-makeup-y young cheerleaders at the "National Cheer & Dance Competition" and THIRDLY occupied by gazillions of stlyists attending the "Some Such or Other National HAIR SHOW." It will be too crowded downtown with shuttle buses and crazies. And you'll end up having to jump out of the car, 18 minutes before curtain, with your toddler in arms, leaving your husband to fend for himself with the parking hawkers, and hoof it across 5 blocks of stand-still traffic in sketchy downtown, up 2 flights of stairs, around the corner to the arena entrance, up 2 escalators (still holding your toddler, mind you, so you don't lose him!), then down the stairs (while your unsteady legs are shaking after all that, what was that? Exercise??) to your seat. And then you might not even be in the right seats. Oh yeah, and it will be raining and 29 degrees.

But you'll enjoy the circus just the same. (AJ, too.) You'll thank me for this tip later, I promise. One last thing, be sure to bring Fruit Loops. (Thankfully, we did.)

** * ** * ** * ** * ** * ** *

DUUUUUUUDE!

** * ** * ** * ** * ** * ** *

It would be nice if a certain work colleague would RETURN my email about a certain thing I asked him on THURSDAY. Instead he's going to wait until our Tuesday meeting when he can discuss the thing with me in front of everybody and make me feel foolish, which he does just about every time I bring these things to him. Certain W. Rrrr.

** * ** * ** * ** * ** * ** *

You'd never believe me if I told you about the drama going on in my church choir. It's not about music, even, it's about 1 person's attempt to overthrow the director. Notice I said CHURCH choir. We wouldn't even know each other if it weren't for JESUS and LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR and FORGIVENESS and all that jazz. One phrase alone, which was spoken BY A GROWN WOMAN this past weekend -- a grown woman who has 3 teenage daughters, you understand (hello, role model) -- should be enough to explain to you the gravity stupidity of the entire thing:

Ready?



Wait for it...



"....I thought you were my Friend!"


Did you hear that thud? That was my jaw hitting the floor. Probably in shock after not hearing those words SINCE HIGH SCHOOL. It is SUPER ridiculous around here, folks. Super. Ridiculous. I'm embarrassed that I even had to witness it. Thank GOD I wasn't a central part of it. Sunday morning was all hasty phone calls and "did she call you, too?" and "are you going?" and "I can't believe..." it is just a bunch of crap.

It required me to go shopping all afternoon yesterday, to rid my mind of it. :)

Granny

It surprises me how much my Granny comes into my head since having AJ. Last night while I was putting him to bed, it happened again -- I was singing one of her lullabies and I just got teary. Some days I miss her so much, and I wish she was here to know MY little boy. She had four of them, and I think that's why, maybe, I feel an even stronger bond to her now, as opposed to before AJ. On my other side, my Mom has 2 girls, me and Sis. Her Mom, my Grandmother, has 2 girls. But Granny, she had BOYS, and by the stories she told, they were the boy-est epitome of boyhood. Living on a farm, it's not hard to imagine that: skinned knees, torn jeans, muddy shoes, sticks and snails and firecrackers and rocks.

Maybe it got to me last night because yesterday AJ and I spent a good long while outside, in the 70-degree weather. (Snow on Monday, summer by Thursday -- this is Georgia winter.) Starting with his dirt-stained corduroys from when he played outside at daycare, it was the perfect scene: he walked the perimeter gathering sticks ("tcks"), played in the rock garden ("rie"), fell a small way (on purpose) into a muddy hole, tried to eat some dog poo, and did not want to come inside. :) I just ADORE the "little boy" in him. I want to squeeze it out and drink it. He loves to send Polie away and then call him back, loudly, "Budd-ee!" He's practicing "clicking" his tongue against his back teeth like we do, to call the dog, and getting pretty good at it. He loves to swing, but always stops to look up at the sky if he hears an airplane ("ay-bee"), and if THAT FACT, in my family, doesn't say BOY, then nothing does. Of the four boys of Granny's, three are or were pilots, and two of her grandsons, as well.

Fitting, then, that Granny's song asks the "Angels, dear, [to] hover near, watch o'er my darling boy tonight." Hovering. Like flying. So I always pray that she's one of the angels hovering at AJ's window. When she used to sing it to us, she had to say "Watch o'er my darling girls tonight," but I thought last night how strange that way feels in my mouth -- and how strange it must have felt to her, the first time she sang it that way.

Watch me, I'm healthy and virtuous!

Just saw this on the bottom of the bag of baby spinach that was part of my lunch salad: "5 A Day, The Color Way (TM)." With a little rainbow picture. Hunh, I thought to myself. Pretty ingenious, that.

Might have to contemplate further.

Brown... chocolate ice cream... wait, no.

Recently added

Can I tell you how much I love my iPod? A LOT. Right now I'm adding Cave In, the whole "Antenna" album. A minute ago I was adding several songs from The Church, hubby's favorite band of all time. (Who've kinda grown on me, too.) I can't wait to recreate a mix CD -- now a "playlist" -- that he made for me back when we were dating. :) In a minute, I've got John Denver's Greatest Hits to add. Hee hee. I have lived my entire life listening to that album and couldn't live without it, I don't think. A week ago I downloaded "Raindrops Keep Fallin' on my Head." That's Burt Bacharach, people, and I LIKE it! And later I'll be adding some Foo Fighters, some Dixie Chicks, some 10,000 Maniacs... it's just fun to gather up all of my very favorite music.

I should get to work, of course.

I'm reading Jodi Piccoult's "My Sister's Keeper." It's a hard one to swallow, because it illustrates in great detail my greatest fear. (Don't want to spoil it for you, but it's about a family who experiences something utterly lifechanging and tragic. There's a twist in this story that makes it even more heartbreaking for the mother. And of course, there's dysfunction.) But it's very well-written, and a nice change after some of the drivel I've read lately. It's at the point where I want to do nothing but read it 'til it's finished. Too bad.

Because I should get to work.

Guess what? We're going to the CIRCUS on Saturday! I'm so excited. I haven't been in years. I can't WAIT for AJ to see real live a-vees. He will freak out, in a good way I hope. I bet he'll notice when they poo-poo -- always a funny/awkward moment at the circus. You're watching them be amazing, stand on each others' backs, raising their trunks in all their circus-trick glory, and then in the back of the line, something not very pretty happens. You can't NOT see it. Heh. Such a let-down. They're supposed to be all magnificent, and then it turns out, they POOP. BIG poop. "Ewww," has become AJ's word for animal poo-poo, and he wouldn't know about that except Napoleon sometimes goes in just the wrong spot in the yard, and I have to warn AJ not to step in it. Which never helps -- I've spent more time digging poop out of the bottoms of his shoes than I ever could have imagined. This is something they definitely don't tell you about when you say "I'd like to have a baby." But I digress! The Circus! Will have clowns! And Tigers! And music and popcorn and balloons. I hope he'll be able to stand all the excitement. I'm just happy he'll be getting to do something fun -- a real, ticketed family activity. I've been wanting to do something like this forever -- the zoo, or the new GA Aquarium, or the Barney Live! show -- but we just haven't managed it yet. And little kids deserve treats like that once in a while, even if they're too young to remember them. My first memory of the circus is very, very faint, but I know my Granddaddy was there, and I got a little wallet with a lion on it, and we sat really close to the front, enough that the clowns came up to us at one point in the show. :) I was scared of them at the time, but it's such a warm, glowy memory that I don't mind anymore.

I got spaghetti

What did you get?

I got roses, too. Twenty-four of them. They smell divine. (Sometimes roses aren't at all fragrant until you get right up close to them -- but these smell yummy from 3 feet away. Score.)

The real gift was that Darling Husband came home from work, kissed the baby, clasped his hands together and said, "Now, what can I make you for dinner tonight, honey?"

I. Love. That. Man.

Of course in my self-defeatist way, I tried to martyr the situation and muttered, "Oh, you don't have to make me dinner... I was planning on..." but then I smacked myself in the head and realized what a big idiot mistake it would be to pass up this chance, so I finished with, "How about pasta?" and a big, grateful smile.

He made us a lovely meal: spaghetti and garlic toast. Carb-i-liscious. AJ had his tantrum for an appetizer, Time Out as sorbet, then strawberries, then cold spaghetti. But hey, he ate. And I got points for having made creme brulee the day before -- DH's favorite dessert. Our V-days may not be as sappy and starry-eyed as they once were, but the fact we both took the time to do these small things for each other means there is real-live love in our house, bouncing in and among the exhaustion and stress. So hooray for Love!

Time Out is working like a charm, by the way. I have no idea why we didn't implement this sooner, although I guess he really wasn't crying-to-get-his-way until now. But the minute I say in my Stern-Mommy voice, "AJ, do you need to go to Time Out?" he stops whatever he's doing and looks at me all deer-in-the-headlights-esque. It is good. I have Power! I am once again In Control!

The Special Box is working like a charm as well. Let me just tell you: Pick-Up Stix! The kid LOVES them. Take 'em out, put 'em in. Take 'em out, put 'em in. Hours of entertainment for a nineteen-month-old.

Gratitude journal

1 -- AJ and I had a wonderful weekend together while DH was out of town. We missed him, yes, but spent good quality time together. Despite the fact that we had to take the car in to be serviced, and AFTER having the tires rotated/balance, discovered a nail in one of them, and then had to take the car to the tire place... it was still a nice weekend, and here's why: taking a 2-hour nap together on a cold, gray day with a blankie and 4 pillows, on Mommy's cozy bed. Sigh. Nothing sweeter. (And, let's be honest, having the whole queen-size bed to myself 2 nights in a row wasn't too terrible, either. I like to spread out. That, and the nap? I got *really* good sleep this weekend.)

2 -- My friend Cantus, who picked us up from the dealer and took us to lunch and shopping for lipstick (AJ loved it! no, seriously, he did) while they changed the oil. It was soooo nice of her to come all the way out here to be with us.

3 -- Snow! Even though it only snowed a scoche (sp?), and there was blue sky peeking through the clouds as it came down, it was pretty and we managed to get bundled up and out the door in time to enjoy it for a minute. Like real winter! (I know my neighbors in New England are cursing the same snow right now.)

4 -- DH's return!

5 -- All the laundry at my house is done and the bathrooms are clean. You'd better believe I'm thankful for that!

I read too many parenting web sites

I think we're good parents, DH and me. We're gentle; we know that WE need to be in charge and not let AJ run the show; we stick to routines for him; we let him explore and discover; we remember the #1 thing is to love him... but I think we need to implement a definite team strategy for getting through this tantrum stage. Which I hear can last 'til he's 3, which... heaven help me.

By the way, I asked, and my Mom said *I* really never threw tantrums in my Terrible Twos. (I waited 'til I was 5.) So I blame all this on DH. It must come from his side.

My Ideas

• Plant a sippy cup with cool water in AJ's room before he wakes up (to head off the almost immediate JOOOOOOOSE! demands).
  
• Earlier to bed (8pm), earlier to rise (6:15-ish, to make our mornings less hurried -- so he has some time to wake up before he has to start getting dressed).
  
• MOMMY to get up earlier/finish getting ready by 6:15, so I can get him ready calmly instead of having to scoop him out of the crib, go dry my hair and let him sit on the vanity, help DH get him dressed, pull on my socks as I'm combing his hair, remember my deodorant at the last minute, hastily grab AJ's shoes before tripping downstairs, etc. We have previously been trying to get the kid up and dressed in approximately 20 minutes, which I realize now was RIDICULOUSLY ambitious just ridiculous, period.
  
• ROUTINE. Need to establish a predictable morning routine. Wake up. Want a drink of water? Change diaper/potty(?). Watch TV for a minute. Play for a minute in his room (prelude to getting dressed). Get dressed. Put on shoes. Go downstairs. Help feed Polie. Jacket on. etc. (I generally think we do this but it IS sometimes rushed which sort-of defeats the purpose.)
  
• CHOICES: AJ, would you like to change your diaper on Mommy's bed or the changing table? Would you like to take off/put on pants or shirt first? Would you like the lamp on or off? etc. Allllll the books and websites say this is how to do it. Give them some amount of control since all they want is to "do it MYSELF." As evidenced by my own parents using the strategy on me, it doesn't always work: they asked me every morning, "Milk or Juice?" and I pretty quickly figured out how to foul up their plan by responding, "Muckerjooose." Both, please. Heh.
  
• TIME OUT (?) -- If When he does go into tantrum-mode -- and people, just so you understand the magnitude, these are the writihing-on-the-floor, growling, hiccupping, unable-to-function-but-still-trying, and thus looking-like-a-drunken-gorilla kind of fits (!) visualize that! -- put him in his room, with the gate (so he can still see us)? Or maybe in his crib, while we stay in his room saying "I'm going to stay right here with you because I know you're upset." One minute time-outs. (From Dr. Sears: Time-outs should be 1 minute for every year of their age.) Or, like my friend MB says, "It's okay that you're crying, but we don't want to listen to it. So stay here until you're done crying. You can cry as much as you like." And then, 1-2...3-4 min later, "Are you all done crying?"
  
• For heading off his evening Episodes, I'm still going to try the "special box" idea for dinner-prep time. He only gets it when I'm making dinner. Don't know if it will work but I've put a can of Pick-Up Sticks (good for shaking and dumping, and putting back in), an old wallet with play money that he can open and close to his heart's content, some Elmo playing cards to scatter around, and a few other dollar-store items. I am also hiding the DVD boxes today because one of the things he fights for, when he sees them, is "TEEEE-DEEEEEEEEEeeeee."
  
• Finally, we've found that sometimes "holding therapy" works for him -- when he's really out of control, DH can hold him tight and talk to him quietly and walk around a bit, and sometimes he calms right down.

It's a crap-shoot. But as long as I'm shootin', I might as well have plenty of ammo.

One funny aside, and then I'll go: I dreamed last night that I was in a piano-playing exam of some sort, and I had not memorized my piece so I was cramming desperately with the sheet music right before going on-stage. Once I got up there I obviously hadn't practiced it AT ALL, and therefore I didn't pass my "test!" Ha! TESTING ME! Internalize, much?

bblllllahhhh.

This is just one of those days where I'd rather be doing anything than this. I want to be on a beach sipping a fruity drink. Or at the spa, getting my nails done. Or at Starbuck's, reading. Or, let's see... in a looooong yoga class. On a porch swing. At the movies.

I'm kinda missing Mr. Fussy-Pants, too. Despite his new name. The kid is making STATEMENTS about what he wants and doesn't want, sheesh! Tantrum City. Today's after-school activity is going to Walgreen's to buy some interesting new items to put in his special "only while Mommy makes dinner" shoebox. I wrapped it up real nicely so he'll get excited about it. In theory.

This is normal development this is normal this is normal. But... how to DEAL with it?! I'm developing a long list of battle strategies which I will share with you in my next post.

On the other hand, I'm extra-proud of him today because, drumroll please... he tinkled in the potty last night for the first time! How cool is that? *flicker, flicker* What's that? A light at the end of his diaper-pail??

Hand me the remote

Hey, the Grammys are on tonight. Usually this is the awards show I'm least interested in, but Sugarland is nominated again and I'm very excited for them. :) A real-life friend of mine has taken a job with the band (tour manager). That's zero (okay, it's) one degree of separation. I'm practically famous, myself!

Blogosphere question

Do any of you readers know which mommy-blogger out there is a guardian ad litem? I know I stumbled onto her site at one time, but can't remember or perform an effective search.

I'm trying to find out for a friend. (psst... hi, friend!)

Thanks in advance.

Hero worship

The other day I mentioned that Neil Armstrong is one of my heroes. He truly is, man. Walking on the MOON? That is some kind of cool. In fact, I find almost all things NASA quite fascinating and awe-inspiring, such as.... well, um, these are all Hollywood versions of NASA things, but... the movie Apollo 13. I could watch it a thousand times. (No, not because of Kevin Bacon, but he's a niiiiice bonus. Shut up.) But seriously, that mission, and the actual guys involved? Heroes. And The Right Stuff. And the recent anniversary of the 2 Mars Rovers who've survived about 9 times longer than they were designed to survive, and collected all sorts of valuable Mars information. I mean, we've designed robots that are exploring MARS, people! Is that not AMAZING? The delicacy with which these instruments had to LAND on Mars, alone, is a physics lesson big enough to explode my brain, never mind the fact that after landing, these things then began sniffing around a foreign planet, DISCOVERING things.

So really, any NASA engineer? Hero in my book.

I'm trying to think who are my other heroes. It's like a third-grade history lesson! Names like Sacagawea and Vasco de Gama and Honest Abe start trotting across my mind. No one ever talks about heroes anymore. My husband would say "Wolverine and Spiderman," of course, and my conscience tells me to say things like "Mother Teresa" and "Bono." I'll go all cliche and tell you "my parents," since they are very much heroic in the way they raised me and my sister. I just think they did it perfectly, with the right balance of strict and fair vs. fun and engaging. They didn't push us, we just WANTED to do right for them and make them proud. They treated us like people, not like children. I strive to emulate them more than anyone else.

I think today's American farmers are heroes. It's not an easy life for them and their work is some of the most noble, most honest work there is anymore. Because really, what is creating a website versus Growing Food?? Not comparable. (And I say that because *I* create websites for a living, so don't get offended.)

What about single moms? Yep, heroes. I constantly admire them from a distance -- hey, I actually don't know any single moms in real life. How weird is that? They blow my mind, though.

I guess I don't need a huge long list, but I was thinking about this today and wanted to share. I'll have to keep thinking.

Oh wait, I've got one: Mr. Juan Valdez. Thank God for his work in the coffee fields. And, ooh! ooh!... the person who invented Hamburger Helper. Now you know what we're having for dinner. And.... the Rubberband Man! He's just so happy. I should model my attitude after his! Nowwww we're cookin'...

Comfort me

in that paper-cut-lemon-juice kind of way:

From my friends at babycenter.com:

"7 Signs your Child Loves You:
....(3) Your toddler throws wicked tantrums. Nope,
those screaming fits don't mean he's stopped loving
you. He wouldn't be so hurt and angry if he didn't
trust you so deeply."

Gah. He loves me alright. So much that he almost made himself throw up Sunday, with the fits of LOVE.

I told him last night as I put him to bed that I'd love him through this phase of him fighting me, and if he fights me again when he is a teenager (for the toddler years are obviously similar to the adolescent ones in terms of child-independence issues)...sigh, I'll still love him then, too.

Isn't it fun?! Whee! Let's all have a party, our kids love us!

Gratitude journal

Today I am grateful for:

1. My best friend MB. We had a long talk yesterday on the phone which included tears and laughter, all rolled in to one lovely conversation, plus happy memories and future ideas. She understands me, more now than ever, and she is able to talk sense into me when I'm at my most non-sensical. Even sitting here at my desk, 753 miles away from her home in Texas, I have a Post-It note about one of my online passwords -- and it is indirectly relative to her. I'm so happy she's in my life.

2. Hope. In general.

3. Moe's Southwest Grill.

4. Pattie, at Kelly & Co. hair salon. She surprised me by actually being quite good and knowing exactly what I wanted.

5. Crayons, play-doh, lions/roarrrrrrs!, and elephants/a-veeeeees. :)

The most critical thing on today's list:

Haircut.

Yes, AJ has to stay in daycare a full hour beyond normal today so that I can go get pretty.

Sometimes it is so good that they will have no memory of this time in their lives.

Red-letter day

Happy Blogiversary to Me!

One full year since I put MySelf out there to be seen. My, how things do change. When I first discovered the 'sphere, I was devoted to my first blog-friend Miss Issues' daily offerings, and surfing St. Blog's big ol' Catholic list. Things are different now: Miss Issues went underground (and I miss her!), and my reading evolved. My description did, too. When I started, I defined myself thusly:

I'm a wife and mommy (three cheers for both)... a southern girl (minus the dramatic accent)... a cradle Catholic (but not a very good one)... an enthusiast for fine literature (but not someone who can quote it)... a 2nd soprano chorus girl (who'd love, just once, to have a solo)... a firm believer that things happen for a reason (I can back that up with stories)... and a journal-keeper since I was 9 years old.

Then I admitted this was much more mommy-blog than religion blog, and who am I, anyway, to associate myself with the good St. Bloggers who are so much more devoted than I am! ....and I got embarrassed for sayin' I cain't quote lit'rature in the same breath as saying I didn't have an accent. ;) So I edited:

I'm a wife and mommy, and love both roles... a southern girl, minus the dramatic accent... a cradle Catholic with somewhat of an ecumenical sensibility... a Book Club member who's slacked quite a bit since having a baby... a 2nd soprano chorus girl who'd love, just once, to have a solo... a firm believer that things happen for a reason... a journal-keeper since I was 9 years old

Then I stopped caring about being southern, really (I've never cared about it that much in the first place), and I started getting the solos in my little church choir... and I finally quit trying to have a definition. If I could be defined in 75 words or less, even I wouldn't want to know me. :) I'm a mystery, that's what. But still a journal-keeper. A diarist. A lover of memories. All this to say: This thing is for me, y'all. Years later I want to go back and remember this time in my life. (Here's a real question: Do any of you back up your blogs just in case? How?)

I stole this idea from someone else: As my blogiversary gift to you, I'm de-lurking my own first name. Hi, World, I'm.... Lee. el-e-e, I think we'll say, for creativity's sake and because I always end up spelling it when I give my name over the phone, or at the hostess stand at Applebee's. Plenty of friends have called me by name in the comments, anyway, and it's perfectly okay. There's something odd about wanting to remain anonymous when I share some of my innermost thoughts here. But there's still that Internet safety thing... so el-e-e. Call me whatever you like.

I had high hopes for my witty contributions to the information superhighway -- editorial comment on news and issues, inspired interpretations of my life's little moments, encounters with God in the everyday details... but most of those positions were brilliantly filled long before I got here. Lots of you write SO WELL. I'm in awe of you. I've learned from you, and determined that I'm quite the amateur. I'm okay with that. You're also SO FUNNY! How do you DO that? Is it the cursing? I suppose I could try that, but.... well, Mom's my most loyal reader, I'd better not. :) It's not me, anyway. But, sh*t! You guys crack me up. (see?) Mostly, I've learned that *all* of us parents, writers, employees, singletons, cooks, musicians, wives, students... are bumbling through it, some days. And that's quite comforting.

So I'm just journaling, trying to keep a handle on *my* humble thoughts and ideas. Taking steps toward knowing who I am. Like one of my heroes, Neil Armstrong, the walking is jumpy and glide-y and sometimes doesn't even touch ground.

It's very nice that some of you come by and read me. It makes my little heart go pitter-pat. Have a virtual cupcake, it's my birthday!

The heart of the matter

I feel like I'm always tryyyyying to post something very important, very thoughtful. I'm not, really, it's just that the times when I'm emotionally bent are the times when I most need to get it all down and talk through my fingers. But not everything is a heart-wrenching Issue: (In fact, I just read this funny note about what we, the Internets, write in our blogs. Anti-history, heh.) Here are some of the more mundane things going on at the MySelf household at this moment in time.

• I'm trying to drink more water today because I think my face looks, in general, like ash. (ha.) Seriously, ashy is the adjective of the day. It used to be the description of my highlights - "ash blond" - but now means something much less decorative and flattering. I look like I don't sleep enough. Fancy that... The gray in my face matches my current 'highlights,' which my Darling (DARLING) Husband continues to point out to me with a mirror and a wide-eyed expression. So, more water. Hopefully more glow. And next week: Hair appointment.
• This week's dinner menu: Taco Salad; crock-pot lasagna; spicy fried chicken (frozen) w/baked sweet potatoes, and.... a couple other things. I'm feeling better about my cooking -- was in a real wasteland there for a few months, having a cupboard full of recipes I decided I hated. But I've researched, and sent out one of those chain-letter recipe exchange emails, and resurrected some old ones too.
• Laundry continues to trip me up. I dried two of DH's polo shirts all the way today, instead of taking them out to air-dry after they've fluffed for about 15 minutes. (Why yes, this IS the definition of high-mai!)
• Actually, it isn't: we watched MTV's True Life last night and the episode was called "I have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder." These poor kids. Some really strange stuff going on there. What an affliction. I shouldn't joke about it anymore because those who live with it can truly be called sufferers. It was sad. One of the sufferers, a 23-year-old girl who was very aware that the rituals she did all the time (bending to touch the top stair every time she reached it, flipping light switches like mad, etc.) were unnecessary. She said she wasted so much time "tweaking out." I loved the expression in that context. Still, sad.
• AJ's fourth haircut this weekend went much the same as the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd ones. And by that I mean, Loudly and Stickily (lollipop-used-as-calming-device, not so bright). Besides that, the woman (new) nearly balded him. Oy. I am going to attempt Haircut The 5th my own self. Although, with his hair so short in the back, he looks even more like his Daddy which makes me GRIN. So cute, the two of them together.
• My only two living houseplants are finally dying. One of these plants, I have had since college. I am a killer of houseplants!
• We bought a potty seat and some step-stools this weekend at Crazies R Us. AJ likes his "Pooh & Friends" potty seat (yes, that's its real name), but he isn't so sure about sitting on it just yet. He'd rather wear it around his neck. :)

Revelations

...it's pronounced "meems?"

All along I've been saying "mehms." The French way, I suppose.

Shows how much I know.


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Last night, upon putting AJ to bed thirty minutes ahead of schedule, I commented to Husband, "Man, I love that kid. But he is a PAIN when he is overtired. So grouchy!"

In return I got A Look.

Whhhhat? You think he gets it from ME? Surely Not.


;)