Oh, the Brainwaves

Yesterday. All my troubles seemed so.... right in front of my face. It was the grown-up version of "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day," starting with work -- one of those days when I really wanted to concentrate and everyone around me was having fun, how dare they?, laughing and talking it up outside my cube. (This was just in the morning, for about 5 minutes, dear coworkers who read me - not to worry - but for some reason it Set Me Off.) I tried headphones, but all the music did was totally jam up my brain and distract me even further.

Sally Client kept asking me questions, how dare she?, showing just how much she DOESN'T know and making me crazy with the questions when I was trying to wrap up a project for her before the stinking holiday. I kept trying to end our email conversation with "Sorry for being unclear before. Hope this helps," and "Thanks for your email, have a great holiday weekend," but she kept. Replying.

Then when I got in the car to drive home, my radio was too loud, I had to wait for the traffic light too long, and the heater was too hot. And I wanted a Coke. So, therefore, being insane and unreasonable, I broke down. I cried and I cried over hating my job sometimes, and over not being able to just quit and be a mommy, and by the way, I'd be a BETTER mommy if I didn't have to work -- I'd be able to actually spend time with AJ instead of sending him off to be cared for by Strangers!, and also when I got home I wouldn't give in and let him watch a half-hour of Barney just so I could get dinner started without any fuss, and also I want a Coke but I don't have any cash, and oh! don't even get me started on what a terrible WIFE I am, just barely scraping by as a Co-Parent/Roommate... not really being a very Good Friend to my husband, much less a good partner... and I just sobbed and hiccupped and messed up my makeup, and OH CRAP, now the daycare receptionists are going to see me and wonder what's wrong, and I'll probably break down in their office if they ask, and then they'll talk about me after I leave and worry that I'm unstable, and I probably am - I maybe need to ask the doctor about depression - and they'll be worried for AJ's sake... and, crap. Just stop. STOP THE MADNESS. Roll down the window, get some fresh air -- stay back, stupid tears! I will not have this. Breathe. Dammit. And then this started all over 2 or 3 times (I have a pretty long commute).

You ever have a day like this? WELL, I DO. Just about every Fracking month and I swear to god it always catches me with no warning. How can a person be THIS hormonally imbalanced?? How can I not KNOW that it's just the monthly woman-thing messing with my brain? How? Why? Usually it manifests with 2 days of me silently thinking my marriage is in trouble. Husband will say one thing to me, one word, even, like "Hey." And I'll just DIE of the sad.

It is mind-boggling, the day after.

When they invent a Palm-pilot organizer microchip that we can have installed in our brains, I'm going to be the first in line. I'm going to set mine with the loudest alarm it's got, that goes off every 4 weeks, shouting, "RED FLAG!! WARNING: EMOTIONAL BOMB AHEAD. TAKE COVER."