Mixin' it up

I've written the proposal to my boss to alter my work-at-home schedule. I don't think it will be a problem for him; thankfully, he's grown quite receptive to flex-time options for his employees, as long as the business is still successful. But I'm hesitating to hit "Send," because I calculated out the number of weekday hours I currently spend with AJ and the time I will spend if my proposal is implemented: It's 35 versus 19. Maybe 20, if I fudge a little on Tuesday mornings. And that's a big difference that I wish I hadn't seen. So I'm coming here to wrestle it out in words rather than numbers, and make sure this is really what my heart desires.

Clearly, I'm "making do." But I'm resolved in 2006 to stop complaining about being a working mom, stop wishing for What Is Not, and just enjoy the enormous blessings I've been given, so that's the end of that topic. (See, I told you I had real resolutions!) The truth is that I have sort-of come to dread my work-at-home days. It's so HARD to be motivated to work when AJ's right there, being cute and needing me to be his Primary Caregiver. It's so SAD to actually use the Disney Channel and PBS as babysitters, when I know very well that is exactly what you're Not Supposed To Do. (Besides that, "Little Einsteins" is a damn good cartoon and I'd rather be watching it with him than rushing to the closet to secretly check my email! Rock on with tha Mozart and Bizet! Plus, it's fun to hear him shout "Eye-Tie!" and point when he sees the opening titles. *Smile*)

I have started reading a wonderful book by Katrina Kenison called Mitten Strings For God, Reflections for Mothers in a Hurry and it speaks to me. (Check it out.) It talks about kids needing time to just sit, and daydream, and have Quiet. As much as I love and trust AJ's daycare, I'm not convinced he gets that kind of time there, and he sure as heck doesn't get it at home when I'm working. I mean, yeah, he plays by himself for moments.... but it's usually not that quiet because I'm tapping and he's looking for me (I hide in the closet, remember), or else Cookie Monster is singing in our CD player, or the TV's on. (I absolutely turn it off in the afternoons, I swear. And do ya think I'm a little obsessed with the TV topic?? Y'think??) I rarely allow us the time to go into the backyard and just sit for an hour or 2 -- not without some amount of job-guilt, anyway. He's just not old enough for me to do that WITH my laptop, and to be be away from it that long is just guilt-inducing. Who told me I need to be working NON STOP from 8 to 5, anyway? I'LL TELL YA WHO -- iChat. My team uses it to "stay in touch" but it makes me feel like everyone's watching my Status, and like they're Counting The Minutes when I'm shown as "Away." PARANOID MUCH??? I've never had to punch a time clock, but man, does it feel that way sometimes. I hate that.

Okay, one more "con" of the current set-up: I. Never. Sit. Down. Between jumping over the gate, reassuring AJ that I'm still here, stepping over the dog, taking the dog out, taking AJ out, bringing him back in, putting him in his high chair for lunch and going to check email Just Once More... it's a very tiring day. It feels scattered and hurried, all the time. I think I've had about enough of that.

At any rate, I've proposed ending my work-day at 3pm and if that flies, I'll be picking up the little guy and taking him to the public library once in a while, to sit and whisper between the short shelves of pictures books. Or to the park. Or just, to our house, but with the freedom to focus directly on him. Or to let him play alone, and observe silently from a corner. Kids are so fun to watch when you can actually see the gears whirling. They figure something out and grow a little with each move.

It's a tough choice to give up hours. But I think the gains might just be worth it.

*hitting Send now*

P.S. Ooh, hey, just thought of something else! I might get to actually cook something decent once in a while, with a bit more time in the afternoons. Bonus.