Spinning round and round

My little round pinwheel is spinning as I download the latest OSX upgrades from apple.com. How I love my Macs. Yesterday I was getting "POSIX error: connection reset by peer (54)" -- Peer 54, where are you? -- and today, after deleting three little .plist files, I'm back up and running, no more error. I love the .mac forums where I can get detailed fix-it instructions for all that ails me.

Sigh. If only that were true of all of life. Where can I find Mr. Steve Jobs' suggestion box?

I'm fretting about my friendships today. Had Book Club Tuesday night and... it wasn't very much fun. For starters, I had to drive all over God's Creation to find the hostess' house. Not that I'd want to BLAME her for being a complete ditz because I'm not catty like that, A-hem, but she gave me really bad directions: once, when she recited them to me, and twice when I repeated them back. Twice! I double-checked with her! She said turn LEFT when in fact, I needed to turn RIGHT, in 3 separate instances. What the...?? Thankfully I had the smarts to know those were errors, even though I'm clueless about her part of town and generally clueless in the geography department. I know she was getting ready to feed 6 hungry mommies while coralling her 3 young boys at the same time, so I forgive her, but it put me in a bad mood to start out with.

Then when the conversation went nowhere NEAR the book, and everywhere near SHOPPING to furnish and decorate my friends' NEW 5-br houses in the more expensive neighborhoods of our dear metro area? ...I just got depressed and sulky. Why am I hanging out with these rich women who have husbands who are partners in their law firms and who go cruising around the Greek isles in January? This is not my league. I can't possibly belong here.

I am not good at the shopping. I don't just go out and BUY things, on a whim. One friend explained her recent "perfect find:" a delicate wooden birdcage that she's going to fill with hydrangeas and ivy and place at the top of a cabinet. Sounds pretty. But the green-eyed monster in me reared back when she told the story, mad that she can just go out, so breezy, and "pick up" fun things whenever. I cannot. Purchases like that seem absolutely frivolous to me, even though we have money in the bank. I don't know why, but I'm like a parrot in my head, repeating, "We do not need that. Squawk. We do NOT need that."

One Saturday when my girlfriends and I were all pregnant, we went to the trendy area of town to have brunch and pedicures, and to shop. We browsed precious boutiques and saw expensive antique-y things, and some bargains too, to be fair. I came home with exactly 2 things: a scented candle (about $6) and a ceramic bluebird which I love (on sale for $15). I bought them just to say I'd bought something, and I felt extraordinarily guilty about them.

I am jealous that some girls just shop without the trouble of spending-guilt. They buy fun stuff and decorate their houses on a whim. Not to mention they'll just "run in" to Talbots or Macy's or wherever, when there's a sale on cute blouses. Let's not even talk about my fashion sense and lack of ability to buy nice new clothes. Or, let's do... I only let myself shop, really, when I have a gift card or I'm on vacation. Or at Target. I think the vacation thing is because we're not at home, so my self-imposed "rules" are relaxed. At Book Club Tuesday night, though, I started not to like my own friends because they don't seem to even *have* rules.

All that said: I KNOW deep down in the cockles of my heart how blessed and RICH I really am. I have a husband who loves me, an adorable son, a decent job with kind coworkers, and these friends. Not to mention a nice, more than adequate home, and nice things. (Just maybe not so many nice things as they have.) It's ridiculous -- even sinful -- for me to covet their things, their lives. God gave me This life. And He could have given me any number of lives; I shouldn't even have to remind myself that there are hungry, poor, homeless, suffering millions who'd give anything to have all that I have.

I just feel down about the whole episode. I think loving your station in life is a lesson that takes a long time to learn. I am certain it starts with basic Thanksgiving. Therefore, the Gratitude Journal:

1. For my home and the way we've decorated it, which is good and charming. No one who came here would say we lack for nice things.

2. For my beautiful family, and for knowing the value of money is less than the value of time together. (My husband has been offered, more than once, a higher-paying position at the company, but it would be at a price. He'd have to work more and be here less, and he's not willing to do that. And that is a GOOD thing; I love him for it.)

3. For my father, who taught me to save money. Taught me a little *too* well. ;)

4. For my mother, who understands me.

5. For my girlfriends. I do love them. I learn from them. (Even this time, I guess.)