Error

Yesterday afternoon I made an error at work, and it really got me going in circles in my brain, about the various levels of mediocrity in all aspects of my life. I was fretting over everything, giving myself, if not "FAIL" in all categories, then at least C MINUS:

• Work is completed to the best of my ability but not with a full-on, study and achieve, become a leader, professional success, real go-getter mentality. C-
• Stupid additional freelance business I keep talking about isn't happening. Even the gig I interviewed for hasn't come through. they probably didn't like me. I had no business cards, no good set rates, no answers to their (stupid) questions - FAIL
• Kids - I feel like I'm in a fog with them half the time; I do okay but there's lots of TV, not enough educational fun, my 4-year-old's been to the library with me exactly once, when he was 2 - C-
• I often go to bed without washing my face and I'm 34 now and it's starting to show with uneven complexion and crap - FAIL
• I make great dinners... out of a box or a bag. My best friends are Lipton/Knorr and Kraft - C-
• Can't keep the house clean to save my life.
• Don't have the right clothes, right professional briefcase, right shoes
• Church, ohhhhh church. The tending of my childrens' souls... FAIL...

It went on like this in my head for a full hour. I turned off the radio on my commute so I could fully hear these mean voices in my head, telling me how craptastic my effort -- not my life, mind you, I know I have a good life -- but my level of effort has become. It was harsh.

When I got home I let it all out and shed 3 or 4 tears into DH's collar. He is so good to have around -- he's not your typical man that shuns emotions like sadness. He understands. I'm lucky, there. I felt better after getting it out, talking it through, and I feel better this morning.

Updatery

Weekend
Well, the weekend weather was beautiful here -- in the mid '80s or less, with a breeze! How did we get so lucky, in August? That's kind-of unheard of in Georgia. But there it was, so we took advantage of it. Saturday, we ate lunch outside, not at a posh sidewalk cafe... not even on a picnic blanket on the grass... we went to SONIC, baby. :) Nothing better than Coney Dogs (why do they call them Coney dogs?) and Cherry Limeade on red metal tables.

Sunday we upped the bar and went to the park for our fresh air. AJ climbed enthusiastically on the playground equipment (even went down the BIG CURVY slide), and then we all got schooled by the greedy, mean ducks. We only had 3 bread ends to give them so they charged at us intimidatingly to show how hungry they were. Yikes. ...What else? Oh, we played outside in our very own yard, too! Hide-n-seek, basketball, football with daddy, and KT baby is big enough for our swing! I will have to get some photos because I LOVE a baby in a swing, don't you?

Memories
Today I'm working in my dining room instead of the usual kitchen. I'm enjoying the scent of, again, nothing chic like a candle by Illuminations or a bowl of exotic potpourri, but a Febreeze plug-in "Noticeable." ha! It is the same scent that I bought just after KT was born, though. Her pack-n-play was positioned right in front of the outlet where it was plugged, so the scent is strongly associated with her newborn infanthood. Which I can't believe is A MEMORY already. She'll be 6 months old Friday. She has tried squash, sweet potatoes, pears, carrots, peas, and green beans. I'm saving bananas for the last, amazing dish. I can't wait to see her reaction to them. (AJ about went out of his mind whenever I'd serve him bananas.) She is almost able to sit up on her own.

Diet update
I'm down 7 pounds, somehow! Woo hoo! My joints have been aching lately, though, so it's yoga and stretching today, as much as I can manage. And I made some taco dip (forgot the guacamole layer, duh) but I guess I'll only eat a tablespoon or two. That is so hard.

Entertainment
Did everyone watch the Olympics all weekend? I got teary, no surprise, during the opening ceremonies. AJ did not get it. He wanted to "go see" the fireworks in person, and remained otherwise uninterested. Of course, gymnastics last night: That one Chinese girl looked about five years old!! Crazy. Poor American team took a beating on the uneven bars, didn't they? I was uncomfortable when the camera guy hovered over their little team cheer-up session after the competition was over for the night. I admired them for not smacking him and telling him to STEP BACK. It was a private team moment, sheesh! BUT NO, all of AMERICA needs to hear your pep-talk, little girls. So we can sit in our armchairs back at home and go, "DAMN!" when you miss a tiny step. (Husband and I chastised ourselves for that.)

Just for Sis: A couple of lists

Reasons why I'm bummed that Jilly Beans is moving to Denmark on Thursday:

1. No more spur-of-the-moment counting backwards three hours to figure out what time it is at her house. Now I will have to count forward 6.
2. We liked Seattle! Now we will have no claim to it whatsoever. We can't drop it casually into conversation to make ourselves sound all West Coast hip and in the know. Poor us.
3. On a serious note, she and HB may not get to come home for holidays and vacations as much.
4. On a silly note, I won't get to keep any more random pairs of her socks that get left in my laundry basket.
5. I don't speak Danish (I just eat them. Ba-dum-chhhhh).
6. 
   

Reasons why it's GREAT that Jilly Beans is moving to Denmark on Thursday:

1. Living abroad is exciting! And I'm thrilled she'll get to experience that.
2. We might like Denmark! Birthplace of The Little Mermaid and home to the world's happiest people -- what's not to like?
   
3. Perhaps they have cool kids' clothing boutiques over there so that Jilly's niece and nephew can aspire to be European hip and in the know. Hee.
   
4. Care packages direct from me to her. Nestle chocolate chips? Jif Peanut Butter? CHECK.
   
5. Five Weeks Mandatory Vacation. So maybe we WILL see her and HB once in a while, after all.
   

Held og lykke, Jilly! I am so proud and happy for you! Have an adventure. Post lots of pictures and I'll see you on Skype!

Happy new year

I did have fun shopping for Amber's Pay It Forward prize. I hope she will like it. I never did see that movie, but when I was shipping the package I was thinking all sorts of good karma over it, sending my best friendship and kindness and peace vibes through the wonder of the postal service (well, FedEx actually). I liked the idea of that.

That was Friday. Our weekend was quiet and good. Until today, I've felt like we're still in recovery from June and July. But now we're all cleaned up (the house, I mean), all the birthday presents have found homes, and we're about to cross the threshold into full-on August, which means Pre-K! Same school, but it still promises to be a new experience for AJ. I hope he'll like it. We have an open house at the school next week, to meet and greet. Supplies lists are posted at the stores. I'm excited to now start counting years from August to August. It's like revisiting my own childhood, in a way. I hope the weather hurries up and complies. It is too hot. Il fait trop chaud.

Heritage

Trotty-trot, trot,
To Boston-town,
You go up, and
I go down.

If you get there
Before I do,
Tell them I
Am Coming, Tooooooooooo!



*My granny used this rhyme to entertain me and my cousins all the time.

I may have lost my head

You know how I'm always complaining about having all kinds of stuff to do and not enough time to do it? Well, I maybe haven't complained here real recently about my to-do list, because I am STILL trying not to make those kinds of lists, but if I WERE to make one, it would look like this, today:

- load of laundry
- iron 2 new blouses I got because I left them in the bag too long and the dryer won't get the wrinkles out, for some reason, GAH
- get professional photos sent to DH's Nanny and Aunt, STAT
- get Pay It Forward prize in the mail, STAT (I think tomorrow, Amber, in case you're reading!)
- buy yet ANOTHER birthday present for another friend of AJ's
- order prints from Snapfish from June and July
- finish labeling photo albums (you can see what slips... photography tasks!)
- help DEAR HUSBAND clean a little bit by dusting, doing bathrooms, and kitchen counters
- sing at Saturday vigil Mass this weekend
- start planning next Disney trip
- oh yeah, My Job...

Something like that! So it doesn't seem that I should be taking on something new, does it? NO, IT DOESN'T if you're a rational and somewhat lazy person like I actually am.

However. Today I have a meeting with the Parish School of Religion (PSR) coordinator because I think I'm volunteering to be a P3 and P4 assistant on Sunday mornings. If they'll take me.

Heh.

I feel like this is a good thing to do for several reasons. First of all, apparently it's time to enroll AJ in PSR! Who knew?! And if I hope to get him there every weekend (SIGH), it would probably be good for me to ALSO be committed to it. Second: My kid likes me, I have to say. And I like being with him, too. Yeah, it'd be good for him to be in a classroom with other adults that aren't me, but he does that already, 5 days a week. I hate to take away our time together on the weekends and replace it with yet more school for him. Third: I would like to know what's going on in the Sunday School class, and just how they teach kids catechism nowadays. Maybe I'll learn a thing or two. Maybe even be spiritually inspired by the little cherubs. (Don't laugh.) And finally, I DO want to get to know some other parents at church/school. It seems like a good idea and provides a non-threatening environment with planned activities, rather than me having to sign us up for a Small Church Community, which is modern Catholic code for "dinner and Bible Study (ack!) with complete strangers."

I've said this before

Quick, a blog post! At work I have one of the brand-new shiny iMacs with a 20- or 24-inch screen, and directly behind me sits my manager, facing my back. At any given time I feel like he's totally watching my SUPER REFLECTIVE screen since it is larger than my head by about triple. Anyway, he stepped out for a meeting so I can goof off for a minute. How dumb, right? I am a salaried employee with very little to do today AND I work in the Web 2.0 field for crying out loud. I don't need an excuse to visit Blogger. And yet, I feel like I do. Me and guilt, I swear.

So I think I've come to a point where I put KT baby in daycare five days a week instead of three. I was weepy about it yesterday but I know it's got to happen. I have come to dread Mondays and Thursdays, knowing that they're going to be filled, every second, with either Mom duties or job duties, and never being able to attend fully to either one. It's easier when they're tiny, but even now, with her at 6 months, I feel like she needs me to entertain her more than I really can. (And then I think, Wait. Did our mothers and grandmothers, in the 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, entertain us all the time? No. They used their playpens, too, in order that they get their other work done... so I needn't feel bad for plopping her on a blanket for 20 minutes with some toys... and yet I do feel bad. Like I said... guilt and me, we're likethis.) ANYWAY it's dumb to have to convince myself again that it's OKAY to put kids in daycare, since I thought I waged that battle with my heart three and a half years ago, and since I love our school... but there ya go. I love her, and I simply don't want to leave her. It's certainly easier this time around, but I thought it'd be MORE easier. Heh. I do know that I feel better on days when she goes and I can concentrate fully on one thing. So I guess we'll start that next week.

[Right when she's starting to feel some separation anxiety in the mornings, too. BUMMER.]

However, if you think I'm giving up my work-from-home days in this economy with gas prices as they are, you're crazy. That means working at my home with neither of my not-yet-school-age kids there with me, and naturally THAT fills me with more guilt, but on the other hand, it HELPS me be a better wife and mother to have that time to get laundry done while waiting for files to download, or time to do a workout video during lunch sometimes.

< / same story, different day >

Guess what? KT ate pureed squash last night with her rice cereal. FUN, baby food! She's getting pretty good at swallowing the stuff and I'm excited about introducing Flavor to her. I'm going to do it right this time, vegetables first, then fruits, so maybe she won't disdain the veggies like her stubborn brother did/does.

But oh, how CUTE that stubborn brother is. Yesterday after school/work we were sitting on the couch, me, KT, and him, and he leaned into us girls and looked at KT and said, "Oh, Mommy, I love her." I think he surprised himself by letting that out, but it was about the sweetest thing I'd ever heard and my heart pretty much burst with goodness.

My age in random memories

This idea occurred to me several months ago - to write one or two random scenes from every year I've been alive. Might get long; I am OLD! I'll start with age five, because memories are unreliable before then.


When I was 5… I went to Kindergarten with Sister Wendelina as my teacher, and I had a crush (seriously? Age 5!) on Derek Z.

When I was 6… my hair was the longest it would ever be, just below my shoulders, and so I put it up in a half-ponytail for our Mexican dance “performance.” We wore long red, white, and green skirts that were pretty and flow-y and I loved mine.

When I was 7… I received a green pen from a teacher (Sister Anne Mary) that, for some reason, I treasured. It was just a pen.

When I was 8… I went to my first baby shower. My teacher was pregnant (this is all about my teachers so far!) and my Mom was the co-teacher in the class, so they invited me, too. I felt so grown up. I also got my ears pierced at 8.

When I was 9… I went skiing with my friend and her family in Pueblo, Colorado. It was the first and last time I’ve been skiing.

When I was 10… I went to my first boy-girl dances – one was a summer “luau” by the pool, at the country club. I don’t think I got to dance with the one boy I had my eye on.

When I was 11… My friends and I went TP-ing other friends’ houses, and nearly got caught one night. We hid under a window that turned out to be open. Our friend peeked his (yes, a boy! we were wild and brave!) head out and said, “Hi, guys.”

When I was 12… My friends had an unexpected going-away party for me at Teresa’s house since we unexpectedly moved from Texas to Florida. I was surprised and touched by the gesture. (Shortly thereafter, I was the new girl.)

When I was 13… I was the only one to wear her hair short. I thought there were no interesting boys in my class. I took pre-Algebra, and passed notes back and forth with my friend, Tracy L. in a tiny journal. We were catty in most of the notes.

When I was 14… I had a locker next to a boy named Alfie (crush!) and met my best friend who would become my cousin-in-law!

When I was 15… I was kissed by a boy.

When I was 16… Someone threw me a surprise birthday party and it meant the world to me.

When I was 17… I was in a pageant ("scholarship competition") and I went to a lot of baseball games.

When I was 18… I wrote letters to my Mom, and treasured the ones she wrote back to me on pretty printer-paper. (Days before email and cell phones!)

When I was 19… I auditioned for the University Concert Choir, which changed my life in many ways.

When I was 20… I spent 7 weeks in France, rooming with an odd girl from my hometown, flirting with another boy in our group, and writing letters to my serious boyfriend back home.

When I was 21… Ooh, I had a terribly dumb internship at a newspaper. Ugh. Newspaper work did NOT suit me.

When I was 22… I began working full-time at the SAME PLACE I WORK NOW.

When I was 23… I wanted to "see other people" while the boyfriend and I were long-distance-relationshipping, but instead he just flat broke up with me. I was SO relieved. It only took a couple days to get over him, although we had dated 4 years.

When I was 24… These 2 years are kind-of fuzzy. I think I went out quite a bit. I also became really involved at a church I loved.

When I was 25… I considered moving home to Pensacola.

When I was 26… I attended a company picnic, where I met the future Mr. el-e-e. :) I was in love by the third date, I think.

When I was 27… We married. Still the happiest day of my life.

When I was 28… I revisited my youth and participated in a musical: Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. It was not as much fun as when I was a teen.

When I was 29… I ate right and exercised, and lost 10 pounds. I also discovered "Web 2.0" and message boards and Internet communities.

When I was 30… I became a mother.

When I was 31… I took a one-year-old cross-country on an airplane.

When I was 32… I lived much the same life as I do now, going to work, getting less done at home, and treasuring the lazy weekends that occur once in a while!

When I was 33… I began a pretty uncomfortable pregnancy, and played a lot of Sorry and CandyLand.

When I was 34… I remembered what it's like to want pretty, frilly pink things in my closets.


I'm older than I've ever been! ...and now I'm even older!

Fear, itself

My biggest fear for my kids right now is seeing THEM afraid. It's happened once to each of them lately and it just kills me.

-- Last week, something was going on in the back of our subdivision. We weren't sure what, but we had heard 4 fire engines go by and were marginally curious. While AJ was "doing his work" on the computer (i.e., playing Ben 10 games), his Dad stepped out to our back porch to see if he could get a glimpse of the excitement. I was holding KT baby and stayed in, until approximately 1 second later when I couldn't stand missing the action! I went out to the porch, too. I was only out there about 3 minutes. When I came in, AJ had left his post at the computer. He was upstairs and I could hear him, hysterically crying, calling for us. He couldn't find anyone and thought we'd left him all alone.

It stopped my heart, and still does, thinking about it now.

-- Just a little while ago, I put KT baby down in her crib. She was fast asleep. I went downstairs, watched a little something on TV, and then about 10 minutes later Husband muted it... did we hear her? We listened and I started making my way for the stairs... yes, she was crying. Pretty hard, in fact. I wonder how long she had been? When I got to her room, she had rolled over onto her back and her blanket was covering her face. (Yes, she sleeps on her stomach.) I have no idea how the blanket got so high around her because I only put it over her feet, but her eyes were wide open as she cried, and she was obviously frightened by the situation. (Of course she's new to rolling front-to-back, so I'm sure that was kind-of a shock to her, too.) Poor baby. I nearly cried with her.


I've thought recently, after reading two cancer stories (the sad news of the Last Lecture professor, and one that I saw in that sneaky Reader's Digest -- it always has cancer stories, doesn't it?), that I don't actually fear myself getting cancer. Well, I mean, I do: I'm not very good at being sick or experiencing physical pain, so that would be hard... but mostly? I fear the kids' fears. The "Is Mommy very sick?" questions. I can't put into words how hard that would be for me.

Sorry for being a downer.

Woo-hoo!

And the winner is.... Amber!

That's right, her first Haiku of her LIFE wins the random integer generator's love and affection. Congratulations, Amber!

Let the prize shopping commence! So say we all.

Daily rotation

Today KT's entertainment devices will include the A-Number-1 Bouncy Seat, the Exciting Exersaucer of Fun, the Blue High Chair, hopefully a nap in the Sleepy Swing, and... the Afghan on the Floor, while I attempt to log 8 hours or so. Haaaaaaar.

When not working, I have been Facebooking like crazy, y'all. And some interesting friends are finding me. Have had a GREAT conversation with one of my girlfriends from the dorm, freshman year. I haven't talked to her since THEN, probably. Because sophomore year, we all found our "thing," and made interest-based friends; we moved on from needing the security of location-based friends. I missed them but was too caught up in all the sophomore year stuff (including some dumb boy). Anyway, it's been super fun.

Know what else is super fun?? Winning a contest! Today's the last day to enter, so get your Haiku pen and go to it! I can't wait to shop for some lucky commenter.

Adding lots of new words to this page while I eat lunch*

*coherence is not guaranteed

You guys, the coffee poetry is SO FUN! Thanks for indulging me and not scoffing at my silly whim. Here is my contribution:

Despair. Home brewed stuff.
No Latte for me today:
We're pinching pennies.

My Starbucks and fish tacos had to be skipped today, since we're trying to end the month on a banking high note with no unnecessary expenditures. Sigh. I say Starbucks IS necessary, but some might disagree. (I mean, I joke that it's necessary. I know that it's not. It hit home last night at dinner when we pulled the old tried-n-true "there are starving kids" argument for AJ, to get him to eat his mashed potatoes, and I had to tell him that EVERY DAY, we have enough to eat. MORE than enough, even. And some people don't so we have to be thankful and enjoy our food and not waste it.) Blah-buh-dee money cakes. Next topic!

KT baby is teething. I can feel the first little sharp puppy-tooth on the bottom gum. It's so cool! I had the same feeling about discovering her new tooth as I have about the very first hint of a pregnancy. All, "Ooh, congratulations, a new LIFE! A tiny little BUD inside you! And, WOW, I can't believe it. *big eyed wonder*" And then, as she proceeded through the day refusing to be put down, I was not AS charmed. It was a long one. It definitely made me want to consider 5 days of daycare for her, instead of just three, which made me sad re: paragraph 2 and the money cakes. AND losing those 2 days working at home with her, of course.

Last night I got all motivated and filled several plastic bins with either "12 month" or "6 to 9 months" clothes, instead of leaving them all strewn down at the bottom of the basement stairs. It felt good. I swear, that is one of the things no one tells you to work into your new Mommy schedule: switching out clothes. ARGH! They go through them sooooo fast during this first year. I am JUST getting her 3-month stuff rotated in, and it's almost time (she's 5 months) to rotate it back out! Also, she is in the 50-75th percentile for height and weight, whereas AJ is in the 5-10th, so I have to change my mindset a little bit, and rotate things in AHEAD rather than BEHIND her actual age. So! Keep up, Mama!

Hey, to go with our coffee theme, I present to you: "If Donuts Could Talk:"

- Move over, creampuff.
- Bite me.
- Coffee goes right through me!
- Don't mind him, he's Danish.
- There's nothing cruller than being all boxed in like this.
- Shut your hole.
- What's the glazed look on her?

BWWAAAAHAHAHAHA. (Credit goes to the genius at Carlton Cards who created my birthday greeting card "From the Office" this year. You know, one of those with a little "thought balloon" for each donut in the photo, to represent that there are many office-mates.) I've kept it around since June because it still makes me laugh.

I just ate the juiciest nectarine. It was slightly chilled, but not too much, and the perfect level of sweetness. YUM.

To cure your case of the Mondays: my PiF contest

You know, for a long time when KT baby was born, we were getting fun things in the mail to welcome her. And then it was our anniversary, then mother's day, my birthday, father's day, and AJ's birthday... but then all THAT ended, and we've had a week or two where all we've gotten is FLIERS and BILLS. Boooo-riiing!

That's why I was so excited Friday to receive my Pay It Forward prize from Nicole! Totally made my day.


Gorgeous red things! My favorite color! There's a great red pen, nail polish, beautiful cards with my initial on them, MORE beautiful cards that say, "Merci beaucoup," and a very beautiful Target gift card that she specified was JUST FOR ME. :) Thank you, Nicole!

And now it is my turn to totally make YOUR day! Enter my contest here, by leaving a comment on THIS POST, before 5pm on Thursday 7/24. I will choose one lucky winner by random number generator. I haven't decided what kind of pay I will be forwarding, but it will be FUN to think of something!

Be prepared: If you win, you have to have your OWN Pay It Forward contest! That's the rules.

The comment topic is this: HAIKU about coffee! Go! (Oh, come on, you can TOO think of something!)

We have rollover!

Forgot to document that we are officially mobile, i.e., KT baby rolled over, back to front, on Sunday, July 13, 2008, two days before her 5-month birthday. :)

Diet update: A shocking (boring) revelation

Hey, guess what? I eat badly when I'm stressed. Monday I was trucking along, having my bran muffin for breakfast, my little salad with grilled chicken and Lite Italian for lunch.... and then the fever began and I had to start rescheduling everything.

Well, instead of having 1 demure little cup of pasta and 1/2 cup of sauce for dinner, I had a plateful and 2 slices of garlic toast (it was lite, okay!), and found myself finishing off a small bag of semi-sweet morsels while I finished up my work on the laptop around 10 pm.

And yesterday I couldn't control myself AGAIN -- made a big, fat burrito with cheese for lunch (COM.FORT.FOOD), had a "100 calorie" pack of Chips Ahoy! crisps in the afternoon even though I didn't have the 100 cals to spare, and 4 pieces of chocolate from AJ's candy stash, for dessert. We had grilled chicken and veggies for dinner, but I ate more than 4 oz of meat, for sure. I like how I'm able to justify eating too much, because it's "good things" like grilled chicken and "100-cal" cookies. HA.

The whole time I was aware of what I was doing -- emotional eating -- but didn't want to stop. I've never noticed it so acutely before; I guess that's a step forward, just noticing.

Anyway, the diet stalled for a day or two. Thank goodness AJ seemed fine this morning.

No time for crying!

Well, folks, my pity party had to end abruptly because AJ is sporting the same fever virus that KT had last week. He's zonked out on the couch now and I've come home for an afternoon of working from home, again. Which, can I just say it is ANNOYING that teleworking options even exist in this case, because ten years ago it would have been an actual "sick day" for whichever parent stayed home, not an "OMG trying furiously to squeeze in work when I'm not administering Tylenol day." I make no excuses if I can't get to everything on my To-Do list today, but DANG it'd be nice to be able to devote 100% of my energy to either the kids or the job, GAAAHHWWWD.

It's also annoying that we might have to figure out our work schedule again tomorrow, due to that pesky 24-hour daycare rule. I guess it will be me, again, working from home. And rearranging an appointment (wherein I was hoping to impress a potential associate, there goes THAT), and not having access to all the company's servers, etc. etc. blah blah frustrating blah.

I guess I am grateful that I won't necessarily get canned for being absent too much. I guess.

I did buy one new bra and some underwear today. (Howdy, perv Googlers! Sorry, No P*R*0*N here.) I'm sure it will make me feel better as you all suggested, and I'm also sure you're SO GLAD that YOU KNOW. Heh. I am good entertainment.

I am so over it.

I am so over our bank account feeling pinched.

I am so over both of us working so hard, every day, but never feeling like we are getting or will get ahead.

I am so over both of us doing jobs we don't love, for pay we don't love, and feeling like there's no real way out of that.

I am so over hating the clothes I have, but feeling like I just don't have any extra to spend on something new.

I am so over having a long list of new things I actually NEED, but won't buy: bras, workout clothes, pretty work clothes, underwear, good athletic shoes.

I am so over Marshall's, Target, and Ross.

I am so over my savings accounts losing money with this crappy market, even for mutual funds, and even for IRAs and long-term investments which you're not supposed to worry about because "eventually they'll bounce back."

I am so over my Publix not ever having the brand and size of formula that I buy.

I am so over myself thinking, "Self, if you were nursing you wouldn't have that problem, and besides, nursing is FREE."

I am so over my just-married sister-in-law, age 20-something, saying that when she has a baby she wants to stay home with it or she'll "just murder someone." The hell? Also: get over yourself and enjoy those mortgage payments; hope it works out for ya. Also: saying that to me feels a little like a slap in the face, like my lifestyle isn't good enough for you.

I am so over wanting to stay at home. Or doing that math loop where I work part-time so we'd save on gas and "business clothing" (HAR) but still be paying SOME daycare and Catholic school, and therefore, it equals a zero benefit.

I am so over wishing to win the lottery, when I DON'T EVEN PLAY THE DAMN LOTTERY.

Leave me hanging

I often fail to update the ol' blog properly. Looking back over the archives, I see the following topics that need closure:

1. Dinnertime. We're doing pretty well. Someone suggested gently that I might have been trying to tackle too many problems at once, with my new rules. But it's worked for the most part. AJ knows that he only gets three warnings for good behavior, and if he uses them all up he generally gets down from the table without a fuss. He sometimes asks to watch TV at those times and fusses about being told no, but usually moves on. I don't know if he's eating more or less food -- I'm not supposed to be counting bites, remember? Just letting him determine if he's had enough. But I'm giving him dessert as part of his meal, whenever he's done.
2. Health kick. I am happy to report that after vacation, I began a diet in earnest. After 1 week of consuming 500 fewer calories than I burned, each day (exercising 3 days) I've lost 1 pound. It doesn't seem like much, but it is the right way to lose weight (slowly), and I'm trying to make these changes real habits, without depriving myself too much. I really vary what I'm eating, and how the calories go in -- for example, on Tuesday I might have a planned lunch where I know I'm going to eat more, and therefore my calories may be more around 16- or 1700, then the next day I will pull it back and maybe only have 1400 calories. I wish my tummy would just magically flatten, but I know that's not realistic. Slow and steady wins the race. My parents are trying NutriSystems, so we're having fun keeping each other updated.
3. Working part-time. My last Friday off (maternity leave) is this week. Then it is back to full-time, all the time for me, despite my continuous talk-talk-talky-talk about part-time. ...the crappy economy, hello. I feel like we need to stockpile more money right now, instead of earning less. AND I learned this morning on NPR just how firmly I/we sit in the middle-middle-class, earnings-wise. I'll still keep KT Baby with me on my work-from-home days and hope that our work slow-down continues enough that I don't have to feel guilty for only putting in about 5 real hours of work on those days. (*praying my manager has lost or forgotten this blog address, which I accidentally revealed to him recently*)
   
4. KT baby. At her four month check-up, she was 14 pounds. She has not yet rolled over, but often tries. She is now taking around 6 ounces at each feeding, and we have tried rice cereal a few times. I'm excited about baby food. :) Hee hee. I still do not have a Bumbo seat and wonder EVERY time I go to Target if I should just fork out the 40 bucks, already, because she does like to sit upright. It's almost time to get out the exersaucer. She has discovered board books and really likes to chew on them. I'm going to really try to incorporate a bedtime routine with her, starting next week.
   

LMNOP

Nicole, my new best friend, tagged me for this meme long ago while I was on vaca. Since it's an alphabet meme, I have to first share this snippet from the life of AJ: he really did think "LMNOP" was one letter. We were talking about "M" the other day, and he said, "Mommy, but there isn't any 'M' in the alphabet." He was serious, too, even though that kid is super smart. Funny.


A. Attached or Single? Quite Attached.

B. Best Friend? Well, I'd get in trouble for not saying my Darling Husband, and it's true. But for girl-best-friends-who-aren't-blood-relatives, you all should know by now it's maryb.

C. Cake or pie? Pie. I prefer the "icebox" variety to warm apple or warm peach. Give me key lime, chocolate silk, cherry-chocolate, peanut-butter pie... the list goes on.

D. Day of choice? Fri-day! Fri-day!

E. Essential item? Afghan. (Or burp cloth. But I could use the afghan for that in a pinch.)

F. Favorite color? Red

G. Gummy bears or worms? Gummi Bearen. The worms get too sticky and are too big for my mouth.

H. Home town? Pensacola, FL

I. Favorite indulgence? Coffee ice cream with cherry preserves on top. Sounds weird but is divine.

J. January or July? Dude, making me choose between the month of my husband's birth, and that of my son? Not cool. Those 2 days aside, I'd say January, because of the fresh beginning and all.

K. Kids? 2 preciouses.

L. Life isn’t complete without? Faith and chocolate.

M. Marriage date? April 28, 2001.

N. Number of brothers and sisters? One wonderful sister.

O. Oranges or Apples? Apples.

P. Phobias? Can't say I have a real phobia. But for fun: I'll say these: Rhytiphobia (fear of getting wrinkles), Zemmiphobia (rats), Automatonophobia (wax statues). What? Go look them up!

Q. Quotes? "Are you talking?" --Richard, from Tommy Boy

R. Reasons to smile? too numerous to count

S. Season of choice? Fall

T. Tag 5 people: Make me.

U. Unknown fact about me? My two favorite activities at Camp Fire Girls' summer camp were archery and riflery. And I was pretty good at riflery.

V. Vegetable? This is going to sound crazy but I actually think it is lettuce. Or, "mixed greens." I mean, a salad is just sometimes the very best meal.

W. Worst habit? Picking at my poor, dry heels.

X. Xray or Ultrasound? Ultrasounds are a whole lot more fun, within the contexts I've enjoyed.

Y. Your favorite food? ...this is not really a "Y" item, people. "Y" should be "yo-yo?" as in, do you? I do not. My favorite foods are too numerous to mention (and I'm on a diet, Yo. Hey -- YO!)

Z. Zodiac sign? Gemini.

On the eve of turning four

This weekend we packed up a cooler and took it to our favorite local playground and park. AJ was eager to feed the ducks, after he'd seen Daddy fold up the almost-finished bag of Sunbeam Sandwich White. My sister is with us; we wanted an "outing." We got to the park and thus began the BEST DAY OF AJ'S LIFE! Oh, he was up, he was down, he slid and he climbed. He was BRAVE! (He's never been brave at the park. Never.) We fed ducks for a while, and then playgrounded for a while. He tried new things, and then he tried them again ALL BY HIMSELF. He was obviously showing off a bit for his aunt. He got a sweaty little-boy head and showed us big smiles and happy feet. His Dad and I were so excited to see him having that much fun.

Then, it started to look cloudy. Dark, even. We had seen the weather report, that indicated a thirty percent chance, but decided to have our picnic anyway. ...Mayyyybe should have reconsidered that choice, but I was convinced it wouldn't be that bad.

...It was. Thunder, SERIOUS lightning, very close by, even a couple of pellets of hail, and nothing between us and it but a wooden pavilion. And my little boy, all of him, climbed up onto me and curled around me and buried that sweaty little brave head, and held on tight.

It was so perfectly four -- a teetering balance beam between being big and being little.

Happy Birthday, little man. I will walk this way with you.

Le Random*

*Totally stole this term from Skiplovey, and it made me wonder: Why am I not using more franglais in my life/blog? (Heh, life/blog! As if the two were ONE.) I was a French major, after all; and my kid's favorite word is l'oreille. He even pronounces it correctement!

-- How many working bras should a girl have? At least one for each day of the week, right (I mean, n'est-ce pas)? Right now I'm down to 5, I think. And two of them are black, naturally, which can't be worn under everything. Why are good bras so expensive? Grr.

-- The Fridge Situation only cost us $336.19. And by "only," I mean, "Crap. Three hundred bucks."

-- How many of you think we're seriously headed for another Great Depression? Raise your hands..... yeah. Me, too. I think about how I look in drab brown and gray, because that is the color of a Depressed Economy, in my mind.

-- Dudes, I love all the contests! I returned from vacation to all this posting about them and to be honest, it kind-of overwhelmed my sun-dried little brain. But I did want to tell some blog-friends hello, and when I did, it entered me in their contests, which I was HAPPY to do! Now, I won one! Nicole's, to be exact. Thanks, Nicole! And thanks, Random Number Generator! The good news for all of MY readers is that there will be another contest to enter shortly, right here on this blog. I believe the rules state I'm supposed to receive my prize, photograph it, and then begin MY Pay-it-Forward Extravaganza. Fun!

Not my life, but.... my life

Poor TLC. Trying so hard to reclaim the audience of us women who used to watch A Baby Story every day.

You know what? Jon & Kate Plus 8 just doesn't do it for me. They seem very nice. But I think they're a little boring. Their commentary, I mean. They just sit on that brown couch and narrate every little incident with the same non-plussed pitch in their voices, and they hardly ever smile. I'm like, "Yeah, no kidding: three-year-olds."

Not that I don't enjoy hearing about other people's kids, or think that since I've been there, done that, it isn't interesting... it's just... I don't think their particular daily story, aside from the fact that they have 8 kids under age 7, is all that compelling. Gimme more wit. A crazy but smart way of handling that many kids. Or at least fun personalities SLASH amazing attitudes about having multiple Multiples. Quirkiness, maybe. (Ahem, Duggars!) Give me something.

OBVIOUSLY I don't have 8 kids and never will. But on the other hand, as far as the TV show goes, it's not that much different from my life. They have trouble getting them dressed. They take the kids to the dentist, and the kids scream. The parents are tired by 3:00 pm at an amusement park. Check, check, annnnd check. Of course, I don't envy them or think I could do it. I actually think their parenting style is kinda similar to mine. I guess that means I would not watch MY life on TV, either. Heh.

Now if they were fishing on the Bering Sea, all 10 of 'em? I'd probably watch that.

OHHAI!

I'm back! I'm at work! My sister's coming to visit Saturday! And my fridge is trying to die!

That's the EXECUTIVE SUMMARY. (hat tip: Tessie.)

There's a lot I could tell you about our vacation, but on the other hand, you can probably picture it. A nice condo, white sand beaches, good friends and family around, and Texas brisket. (What? You don't eat brisket when you go to the beach?) For some darling photos, See Here. Hat tip: MB. Thanks to my Mom and Dad babysitting KT, we got plenty of time poolside. She enjoyed only fifteen minutes at the pool because her naptime always coincided with our being ready to head out. I know next year will be fun for her at 16 months, though.

I actually read a WHOLE BOOK! It was Ice Bound: A Doctor's Incredible Battle for Survival at the South Pole, and it was just gripping. Really, it stayed in my mind for days after I finished it. I love books like that. Maybe I'll do a more in-depth review one day.

Noting one AJ-ism that repeatedly made me smile: In the pool, when he wanted help getting out, he'd say, "Mommy, give me a caboost." :)

My Google Reader says "1000+" y'all. Holy Moses. I am going to be playing ketchup for the next three weeks. Not to mention work is pretty busy, not to mention the aforementioned appliance situation. AND a 4-year-old's birthday to plan AND I need to have my neighbors over for dinner to thank them for collecting our mail while we were gone, etc. etc.

This post sounds a lot like the 2nd half of 2007, where I was stressed out all the time and never seemed to clear off the to-do list. What is UP, June through December?

Wish you were here

We are having a fabulous time at the beach. Man, do I love vacation. Coffee in the morning, salt water in the afternoon, beer at 5:00 pm!

For the first time, AJ is truly swimming (with floaties), and enjoying his time in the pool. The last three years he has been too scared, poor thing. Not this time. He's brave and wet. :) We even got him into the Gulf to "bounce" with the waves. "Whooooooaaaaa!" he'd say, gliding over every one. He and his Daddy built a well-fortified sand castle, while Mommy looked out over the water and felt a comfortable, warm breeze. KT baby is getting to know her grandparents and sleeping well every night under salty air and ceiling fan.

It is wonderful, in a word. Talk to you again in three or four days. :)

Some little junk and nonsense (and one sweet story)

- Yesterday, I hated my hair. Hated. It was sitting like a mushroom cap on the top of my stupid head, and there was a lot of stupid gray peeking out through my "natural color" (not), making my part look thin and old woman-like. Also, helmet head. TODAY, however, my hair looks great. Healthy, tamed, styled just the way I like it so it appears casual and yet has some shape. What's with that??

- I had never eaten Lucky Charms until this week. Today I decided that a healthy and enjoyable breakfast might include a serving of Lucky Charms, dry, and my coffee. Because I really HATE having cereal with milk, AND coffee (with milk) in the same meal. It's too much milk. Oh, and Lucky Charms ARE magically delicious!

- I still always THINK about making healthy choices (like limited milk), and about heart disease and high cholesterol and my family history of dread diseases, even while I am eating cake twice a day, and buying things like Pringles. I'm blaming hormones but it's incredibly annoying and makes me feel like a stupid-head, and makes me worry that I'm just going to get fatter and fatter if I can't learn to NOT EAT CRAP.

- This is totally what I meant last week when I took a short blogging break. Man, do I love Mrs. Flinger.

- When are we going to get tomatoes back? I tried growing them last year and it was a sad, sad affair.

- Ways My Husband is a Great Dad, #1: Last Thursday night, I took AJ out on the back porch to watch fireflies. It's one of the sweetest things about summer, to me, because they're so quiet and magical, and because we didn't have them in any of the places where I grew up. The next night, Husband took AJ out to the yard with a jar and they collected fireflies. I never would have done that. Even though I know children DO catch fireflies in jars, AJ was already pajama'd and bathed. And I never collected them as a kid, myself. But Hubby did, at his grandparents'. And he knew it was Something A Boy Needs To Do. AJ kept those 5 lightning bugs in the jar by his bed that night (husband was kind enough to tape it shut for my peace of mind), and was SO excited every time they blinked. He gave them names, and was smart enough to put some leaves in there in case they "got hungry for breakfast." Husband told AJ that we'd have to let them go the next morning. In fact, he used Finding Nemo as an analogy to explain how much they'd miss their moms and dads if we kept them forever! So AJ was happy to oblige the next morning, and we opened the jar and wished them well as they took off, one by one. (Thankfully they were all still able to fly away; I was nervous they might be "taking REALLY long naps.") The whole thing was a sweet summer interlude.

= Cute!

I've been wanting to do a post with photos of ALL the cute outfits that KT has been wearing, thank you sdw, mom, mom-in-law, Lara, and Carter's, but haven't had enough time to do ALL of them. Here are a few, though, of the aforementioned summertime things I'm taking to Destin:

Seahorses! Notice it's a "Taggies" item? Brilliant.

The perennial favorite watermelon outfit. SQUEE, ruffles on the widdle boddoms!

I get all giggly over a tiny baby in DENIM. And, it's a one-piece. But also a Dress.

Oops, how'd that one get in here? ;)

Beach hat. Polky-dots. Bloomers!! Now we are all sticky with the goo of cute, n'est-ce pas?? Get in line people. She'll let ya hold her if you're reeeeal nice...

Development & destruction

KT baby is growing by leaps and bounds. Her daycare teacher says, every Tuesday, "She grew over the weekend!" And I believe her! I'm anxious for our 4 month appointment on Friday, to see exactly how much. I'm watching for milestones, especially rolling over, since Owen's already performed in that area, and he is just a couple of weeks older than KT. But Every Baby Develops Differently. :) I think she wants to roll over. When she's on her back, she arches it to reach for something, and knows to draw her knees up so she can inch a little closer to what she wants. Working that abdominal wall, baby.

MY abdominal wall, on the other hand, is more of a fort built with cushions or something. Pfft.

We have SO many adorable outfits for our beach trip next week -- I mean, specifically FOR the beach, as in, they have starfish or seahorses on them, and sundress-like straps instead of sleeves -- that I had to do 2 loads of laundry to prepare, and she's going to have to change clothes thrice a day in order to wear them all. I can't wait to do that much changing. :) Playing dress-up doll WAS always a favorite pastime of mine.

AND speaking of playing, GOOD GRIEF but AJ is playing a lot lately. Imaginative play. And wanting ME to play with him. Have I blogged about this before? I just don't feel very adept at thinking up good guy/bad guy scenarios for us to act out. To be honest, I just don't feel like "acting" at all, really, but it is what it is, and I'm super glad that he HAS an imagination. We're a little concerned that it's always "attacking" and "fighting" and "roaring like a really bad monster" lately, but that is normal for little boys right? Even Thomas and Percy, the loveable choo-choo trains, to fight and destroy each other... that's normal right? Of course we feel guilt for letting him watch maybe a bit too much Spiderman and Batman, with their rather dark themes and adult issues (they BOTH need therapy, really)... but boys this age -- almost 4 -- are GOING to want to watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and OMG, Ben 10 Alien Force, right? Our fathers played cops and robbers and cowboys and Indians. Our brothers played Star Wars.

You can see this is something I want your feedback on, RIGHT?

Save me a seat

You feel like you're going to lose something -- seniority? place in line? -- if you don't post very regularly. Or your parents and relatives are going to wonder if you're okay. So somebody save me a seat; I just don't seem to have much to say lately. Nothing wrong, just out there living, trying to beat the HEAT. Gah. Still reading all of you clever people, of course.

We'll return to our regular programming... sometime. :)

Happy birthday to me!

A series of possible blog topics have come into my head this week, and then promptly gone right back out, so for now we're stuck with just the random thoughts I can gather on this, my thirty-fourth birthday. Thirty four! One last year of being marketed to, and then I might as well just curl up on the couch and read dusty old library books or something, because things like the funny Budweiser commercials, new electronic gadgets, and great TV shows...? NO LONGER FOR ME. Sob!

I did get a really cool present from my husband-o: A digital piano! What came with it? A STARTLING revelation that I am NO GOOD at piano any more! I have concentrated on singing much too long -- and only one note at a time. All this "two hands, ten fingers together" nonsense is far, far too much to keep up with. I have just realized this is why I seem GOOD at singing, sight-reading, and rhythm when I'm in a chorus. IT'S EASIER, EINSTEIN!!

Rather than clunk around every time I sit down at my new favorite gadget, I have chosen three songs to begin practicing on the piano, until I get them down. I took piano lessons for 10 years, for crying out loud -- it is so embarrassing to only have the capacity to perform "Big Chief Indian" and "Spinning Song." The songs are "Fur Elise," because, as I told DH, every twelve-year-old in town can already play it; and two nice Wesleyan hymns, because hymns are relatively easy -- just your basic 4-part chords and a few progressive notes in-between. (Right? Don't we call those "progressive notes?" Oh, gees, I can't remember ANYTHING.)

The idea, of course, is for AJ and KT to have a piano around to get interested in, so that I can thereby introduce the concept of Piano Lessons without any fuss. Brilliant, no? At first I was thinking, "I can even teach AJ a kind-of 'pre-lessons' before he starts with a real teacher." But... perhaps not. Even if he WERE to listen to me, which he won't, since I'm his PARENT and that automatically knocks down his level of respect for me versus a stranger, I probably shouldn't teach him much more than Middle C. I can't even do scales properly, people. Whew. It's been a tough birthday for more reasons than getting OLD.

Speaking of respecting his parents... Sigh. We're having Dinner Table Issues, again. It seems we just get this situation licked, then whammo, he comes up with something new. I won't go into the gory details, but if you're interested in sharing your Dinnertime Rules for Happiness, Toddler/Preschooler Edition, go ahead. Last night Husband and I had to DISCUSS what our new plan of attack is going to be, because what we've been doing is simply not working. That new plan is detailed below:

1. No more snack after school. (We get home around 5:15; dinner's no later than 6:30.) He can have a yummy drink, but no food. My giving him snacks is totally sabotaging dinner. I admit: I've been a dumbass about this repeatedly.

2. He'll get Three Chances to behave at the table. After that, dinner will be over. He may go play (but not watch TV).

3. A small dessert will be placed on the table at the beginning of the meal and he can eat it at the end of his meal. He should eat as much dinner as he wants but we will not specify how much. If he thinks he's eaten enough, he may eat dessert and then get down. (We will not say, "You can't have dessert if you don't eat your dinner." We will not say, "Eat three more bites and then you may get down.")

THE END.

I think those are simple enough rules for a nearly 4-year-old, do you?

Memory days, and gifts

We went to visit DH's grandmother for Memorial Day weekend, and I was sitting on the back porch in gorgeous 75-degree sunshine on Sunday afternoon, holding KT baby for a few minutes of peace and quiet. Enjoying her cooing – she’s really picked up the back and forth of conversation, and loves to answer me when I go, “Ooo,” or “Mmm,” – and staring into her pretty little blue eyes, I just kept telling myself, “Remember this. Remember it.” Because I know that I sat staring at AJ and cooing with him in the same way, 3 and a half years ago, I know it… but it’s hard to recall the exact moment. The way the sky looked. What outfit he was wearing.

I can remember ONE time, and I’d better write it down now before it slips away again: it was the day before I went back to work. I have pictures of it, even, so I DO know what he was wearing – a little green onesie. We sat on OUR back porch that time, and it was fall, and I guess we talked and laughed and blew raspberries in the same way, but that part’s fuzzy.

Anyway, KT and I sat there “bbbb”ing at each other in rhythm, one after the other, and she had on the adorable orange gingham outfit from Aunt Jane that says “Love” on the knee. My legs were propped up on the chair in front of me, and she lay on my legs. I’d alternate between pulling her up to sitting, and letting her rest on her back. We stayed out there for about 20 minutes. I kissed her soft cheeks every other minute. She is so smiley.

Remember this.

---------

I had a nice morning today. Well, nice, and a little funny/frustrating. I’d intended to work from home. Got everyone dressed and out the door, got the first load of laundry in and my coffee poured. Opened Firefox…. Nothing. No Internet. I should have known, since Comcast cable was out this morning, too. Bother. I decided I’d better call to see what the deal was, and Comcast’s automated lady told me there was an outage in my neighborhood but technicians were working on it.

So I decided I’d go for a walk. Actually I wanted to do an aerobic workout On Demand but, whoops! No On Demand without cable! So, a walk it shall be. I had planned to do this anyway today. Got my shoes on and out the door… without my key. THAT made me say “Frak!” Luckily my neighbor has a key and I did have my cell phone with me, so I called him. Took my 20-minute walk. UP and DOWN the big hills in my neighborhood – my heart got pumping! Felt great. AND it was my favorite kind of morning – really cool, damp even, and cloudy. I call those kind “Walden mornings,” because the week when I first read Walden, the weather was like that and I loved to read it out on my balcony. And it seems to me the weather at Walden Pond must have been like that a lot, too.

Anyway, that’s all. I finished my walk, got my spare key from the neighbor, went in and got dressed. Oh, during the walk I found the 4 Comcast trucks in the neighborhood. “You guys have an ETA or should I go into the office today?” “Ummm…. I’d go in to the office.” “Okay, thanks.” Heh. Traffic wasn’t too bad since I didn’t leave until 9:00.

It was just… nice. A little gift.

Smell me

One thing that a long commute is good for, is radio listening. If you are not getting enough friendly DJ banter in your life, go out and find yourself a job located 35 miles from your home. You can thank me later for that tip.

Radio can also be good for blog fodder, like today on my radio station of choice, they were doing an interview with the woman who wrote this brand new book about perfume. What fun! This is a topic I've enjoyed once before, in fact; I wonder if it's an Obsession? Hardee har har har!

I don't buy a lot of perfume but I have had scents that were my hard and fast favorites at a particular moment in time, and everyone knows about the olfactory-memory connection. This morning they were talking about the scents of the '80s, which were much stronger than most other decades. I can think of several -- Lauren, by Ralph Lauren, Beautiful by Estee Lauder, Chanel No. 5 of course, Fendi, Elizabeth Taylor's Passion, and one of my personal favorites, Liz Claiborne in the triangle bottle. The boys wore Polo or Drakkar Noir.

Remembering Liz Claiborne made me remember high school, naturally, where my best friend and I and our circle of cheerleaders wore this bold combo: Aussie hairspray (grape!) + Liz perfume, plus a little Liz purse slung over our shoulders. (It had no scent but carried an AURA!)

Someone called in to mention Gingham, by Bath & Body Works. Yes! I wore that! And everyone had to try Exclamation when it came out. The one I really adored, but only bought once and have never found again, was called "Etages," and I think Limited Express made it. You know, the bastion of parfumerie excellence that they are.

Today I forgot to wear perfume. Yesterday I was wearing Island by Michael Kors, from a tiny sample I am saving. I'm having fun playing on this website. Too bad my brand-new computer doesn't come with scratch-n-sniff, though.

Day in the life

Thursday, May 22, 2008

(I've been wanting to do one of these, to remember how our days go right now, with a 3 yr old and a 3 month old. Someday I'M SURE I will want to re-live it. Ha!)

5:50 am -- Wake-up time. Someone needs to get in the shower, I guess it will be me first. :) Try not to wake up AJ as I crawl out of bed over him.

6:07 am -- DH enters bathroom. His turn. I put on robe, go wake up AJ. He's compliant this morning, thank goodness. Wants to go downstairs and get his breakfast.

6:10 am -- Stand in front of (mostly empty) pantry. I have intended to go grocery shopping all week but haven't yet. Offer AJ a waffle (Eggo, obv.), Frosted Flakes, or Cinnamon Toast Crunch because we're out of his 2 favorites, Oatmeal and Pop-Tarts. He pouts. Doesn't want any of that. Try to cajole him, to no avail. Fine. I go back upstairs to check on KT baby and put on jeans and a blue shirt.

6:20 am -- Change KT's diaper. She always wakes up so agreeable. Stretches and yawns while I'm changing her. Then I hear AJ calling me, saying "Mama, I waaaaaaant breakfast." SIGH. Go back downstairs, with KT and her warmed-up bottle. Get waffle into the toaster (one-handed) and scowl at Mister Whiney Pants. Get him V8 Fusion juice from the fridge. He gripes about that, too. I ignore. He has no choice in the matter, he'll drink it and LIKE IT.

6:33 am -- KT swallows the last of her bottle. She is FAST when she's hungry.

6:40 am -- Head upstairs to change her clothes and finish getting myself dressed/dry hair/put on makeup. DH says, "Don't you need to get dressed? I thought you weren't going into the office today." But I am. So I hand baby to him and he gets her dressed while I finish up at the mirror. He chooses a lavender Winnie-the-Pooh outfit and coos at her while he changes her. So cute.

6:50 am -- I start rushing around. Not pleased with my own outfit, I put on a skirt instead. Better. Get a bracelet. Get clothes to take downstairs for AJ, since that's where he gets dressed lately (in front of TV).

6:55 am -- Rush around the kitchen. We need to be ready to leave in five minutes (7:00 am). Get KT's bottles, already labeled by helpful DH, into her bag. Throw leftovers into a grocery sack for my lunch. Thanking the gods that I remembered to set my coffeepot last night, I pour a cup for the road. 3 Splendas + fat-free Half-n-half. Perfect. Grab a granola bar, too.

7:02 am -- Okay. AJ's dressed, he wants his Nemo vitamins. Gets mad when I don't lift him up so he can reach them. Man, is he grumpy! DH comments that I'm funny when I'm rushing around. Ha, ha. (Luckily I'm in a good enough mood that it doesn't bother me.) I realize I won't get to see KT all day, again, and want to hug her. CLASSIC MOM MOMENT: already late, dressed, pick up baby and what does she do? Spits up on my shirt, of course! I wave my fist and tease her about her sneakiness, and run back upstairs to change.

7:11 am -- Finally in the car and on the road. It was DH's turn to take the kids to daycare. HOOray. Listen to five minutes of NPR but decide it'd be better for my still-frantic morning mood to turn on the iPod. Choose U2.

8:04 am -- Traffic is getting worse near my office bldg, which was built nearly 2 years ago in what was then a pretty remote area. Now there are strip malls galore and more office spaces, too. Crawl along at 4 mph for about 2 miles. Still listening to U2. "Elevation" got me pumped up earlier, and "Peace on Earth" reminded me to be grateful.

8:15 am -- Begin workday. Voice Mail from a client who wants a live chat service. Start Googling. :)

8:45 am -- phone call on my cell -- it's Mom & Dad from Vienna! They're having fun, but Mom sounds tired. I know she is ready to come home. They've been gone nearly 2 weeks already. But I'm looking forward to the pictures when we see them next, and jealous 'cause they're going to a Mozart concert tonight. In VIENNA. Pretty cool.

... work continues... I check both Facebook and the daycare webcam 2 or 3 times today, which is unusual. I typically forget or don't have time. Start this blog post. I wish I had time to check Google Reader but I resist... 'til later... :)

11:30 am -- Realize it's lunchtime. Will I walk or eat? ... Eat. I'm hungry. Enjoy tetrazini, steamed broccoli, and Diet Coke. Still think I might walk 30 minutes after my food digests.

12:40 pm -- I manage to walk 15 minutes. Almost 1 mile. LOOK LIKE A DORK in my skirt and tennies, and worry the entire time if someone I know is going to drive by and see me. (Vain, much??) But BOO-YAH for getting out there anyway to get the heart pumping. Think maybe I can fit in another 15 minutes after work today. (Then wonder if I can, REALLY, when I said that yesterday, too, and didn't manage it...)

1:43 pm -- Answer some email. Hear this tragic news and feel very, very sad for the Chapman family.

... work continues...

3:00 pm -- Ruin the good I did walking by taking a trip to the vending machines. Although I did resist chocolate and had Welch's Fruit Snacks instead. I could feel my blood sugar dropping and just NEEDED something. I don't know why kids, or specifically my kid, thinks Fruit Snacks are the bee's knees. After about the third one, it's just a big bag of pectin and disappointment. Not like brownies, which continue to deliver all the way to the end of the pan...

3:47 pm -- Start wishing for 4:00 already, so I can leave. This day has been unusually longer and more boring than most, since my return to work. Maybe because it's a holiday weekend and people have already left town? Or maybe because I'm detailing it so faithfully?

3:48 pm -- Look at workitmom.com and Google Reader some more.

4:00 pm -- Quietly leave the office and start the long drive home. Or, more specifically, to the daycare. On the drive I make a few phone calls, confirming lunch plans with a friend, making KT her 4-month well-baby appointment for June, and trying to catch up with my sis before she goes to Copenhagen this evening, for a week.

5:00 pm -- Pick up kids! Best time of the day. :) I am stressed, however, about dinner because there's really not much to eat at the house, AJ needs a haircut, and it's bath night. Lots to do tonight. I decide we can have pizza at SteviB's, which is right next door to Great Clips, and DH can meet us there. Call DH.

6:00 pm -- We opt for Mexican instead, next door to a different Great Clips. Either way. I have a spinach quesedilla, yum. AJ behaves but doesn't eat, KT mostly sleeps through dinner, we get AJ's hair cut (and he goes ALL BY HIMSELF to the chair, which is a first, and talks to the stylist with such charm and confidence that I'm beside myself), then it's time to head home. ACK! I realize the poor dog got forgotten and is probably crossing his legs and starving. But I still have to fill up my car which is on Empty. SIXTY DOLLARS LATER we're on our way.

7:00 pm -- Bath time for bozos. (Hubs always says this to the kids -- "Bedtime for Bozos! Who's a Bozo?" I don't know where it came from.) AJ of course wants to help bathe KT baby, and he does. Then he gets in his bath and enacts wild, drawn-out Ninja Turtles scenes, telling us what's going to happen in detail before doing it. By the way, he looks SO CUTE with his hair cut short. :)

8:00 pm -- Daddy reads stories to AJ (A Ladybug magazine and then some book called "Barnaby the Baby Bear" which we all think is dumb but AJ picked it anyway) -- he manages to stay awake even though he's dead tired and says his blood sugar is low. (Mexican food!) Meanwhile, I pick up a few stray dirty clothes items and put away the bath stuff. Then it's bedtime. We put AJ down (KT's already in her crib for tonight, but this is unusual) and 5 minutes later, he's back in our room. We surprise him by being there -- typically he just sneaks into our covers and stays there 'til we come upstairs. I convince him to go back to his room by putting his pillow at the foot of his bed instead of the head. He thinks this is funny, and makes his room "good," where before it was "not good." ?! Who knows.

9:00 pm -- I'm a little fuzzy on the rest of the evening (it's the next day as I type this, obviously), but I think we watched Season4 Episode4 of Battlestar Galactica. We are FINALLY caught up with this show, and we can't believe it! We had more than 10 episodes DVR'd from Seasons 2 and 3, for the longest time. It's a super-good show, I hope you're watching it.

10:00 pm -- I decide to go to bed. Had already been dozing anyway. Grab the cooler and 2 bottles and place them quietly in baby's room. She's still out like a light. Wash face (Mary Kay bar facial soap) and brush teeth (Colgate Total). Turn on "Ace of Cakes" to fall asleep to. Duff needs to stay shaved, he looks like a Tool with his beard. That's the last thing I remember. KT sleeps until 4:15 am, which is awesome.

Health kick post

I'm trying, I really am. I mean, insofar as that includes eating a good bit of chocolate every day (HELLO STARBUCKS CHOCOLATE, NICETOMEETYOUmmMMRMFFF!), and not really counting calories or points or what-have-you. I AM trying to make better decisions -- like having a salad instead of 10 wings -- and having vinagrette with that salad instead of RANCH, duh. Those were the bad habits that I reintroduced during my pregnancy just because I could. But my overall energy level about this whole health-kick, lose-weight thing (...and can I just say: it's LOSE weight (v.), not "LOOSE" weight! ...People! Grammar! Sorry...) my energy level is just not quite there. I want to lose weight and get fit but I don't have the desire to log in to Fitday all the damn time.

Today I knew I would arrive to my Tuesday meeting site at least 15 minutes early, so I tossed my shoes and socks in the car. I HATE all the "Sneak Exercise In Wherever You Can" tips. Walk up the Stairs! Park far Away! Do butt-crunches while you shower! And yet... that seems to be the only way I'm going to get any exercise in, ever, until my kids are grown up and moved away. Time is just not on my side about this. And yes, I suppose I could wake up an hour earlier. I've considered torturing myself that way ONE day a week -- I don't think that would officially kill me, although trying to do that EVERY day most definitely would.

So. Yesterday I did one 10-minute all-over-body-sculpt via the ON DEMAND menu from Comcast during KT's first nap of the day, and then a 12-minute one later in the day. Last Friday I did step aerobics (10 minutes) on my living room staircase while trying to "rock" KT to sleep. Then the two kids and I took a 20 minute walk later. And today, I took my little morning walk (20 minutes) around the midtown Target where we meet. I was wearing my khakis, my pearls, and my running shoes. GAH!! Hate! I am that girl! Work clothes with athletic shoes! (At least I wasn't wearing a skirt and hose, but oh man, was I ugly in that outfit.)

I'm trying to go at this EASY, because I know, I know, I just had a baby 3 short months ago and I should cut myself some slack about losing weight. I have lost only 1 pound since starting to consider weight-loss about 3 weeks ago. Mostly I just want to claim to be a smart person. And smart people know that you HAVE to exercise. Period. And you can't eat potato chips and brownies all the livelong day.

I wonder if I do this kind of slackery health kick for a while and really try to DO some exercise regularly, will I ACTUALLY WANT to start counting cals again? Sigh. I probably will. Let's hope.

Sigh, again.

Deprived

I keep doing this: Saving the "cute" outfits of KT's for daycare days, and opting when she's home with me for the plain onesie. I deny myself, as if she has to get "dressed" for "work" like I do -- because I save my "good" t-shirts for office days, too. Heh.

First quarter

Little KT Baby,

Or should I say, “Big KT Baby,” because you are a big girl even in your infanthood! Twelve pounds already on your 3-month birthday, and growing still, despite the fact that you seem to eat so little. Two ounces here, 3 ounces there... you have your own way of doing things, Little Miss, not letting your parents fuss over you to any extent and knowing what you want and don't want already.

Can it really be three months already? I find it so hard to believe. The pictures are telling, though – where before you were a squirmy little thing, light practically shining through your willowy fingertips, now you’re sturdy and confident, holding your head up just like a big kid.: You are a high achiever, sweetie-girl. You're meeting every milestone right on time, and we're somehow more aware of them all this time than the last. First it was following objects with your eyes, then oodles of smiling, now cooing and talking, wanting to grab and hold things, and standing right up on our laps. It's so fun to watch you take shape and Become! We're determined not to miss a moment.

With each day, whether I’m with you at home or entrusting you to our good friends at school, it sinks in a little more that I’m really, truly, a Mommy now – a Mommy of two. It’s a title I’ve wanted since I, myself, was a child, and I couldn’t be happier to share the privilege of Mommyhood with you and your brother.

And, oh, the two of you together. He wants to know you, KT, and he loves you already. He wants to help raise you, even – he’s always “helping” me, and “very strong.” I know because he tells me. ;) And I can tell he’s becoming more interested as you change into someone he can relate to. He can’t go a day without “getting his smiles” from you; if he doesn’t, he tells me he’s sad. I am eager for the day you and he will interact as friends, on the one hand -- the happiness that will afford me is exciting. On the other hand, I just want you to stay little and cuddly and so, so smiley for as long as possible. Your dad and I can say with confidence that you are a happy baby. An easy baby. We say all the time, yesterday and today, that you are a precious baby. A treasure.


Three months!

Love,
Mommy

One day this, next day that

Two weeks ago all we could DO outside was play golf with these little plastic clubs that we got when AJ was about 1 year old. This week it's playing "Bad Guys," and, "Ninja Turtles with Bad Guys," using weapons of all sorts made from the various branches that have fallen into our yard. We fight Shredder and "Goliath" and "Vampiro."

Two weeks ago we were watching KT just begin to smile at us when we'd appear in front of her. This week she wants to stand on her feet a little bit, and gets excited about using those muscles. AND she's starting to want to grab at things dangled in front of her.

It all goes so darn fast.

So fast, I can't seem to keep up with blogging, or anything else, either. My days start with an alarm and a wish for just fifteen more minutes, and once I get to work it's all business, whip this stuff out, until time to go (OH, right now it's time to go!) and then we get home and dinner-bath-another bath-TV and bed. Last night I was so useless to my husband that he took the dog out, folded laundry, made bottles, probably waxed the cars, and massaged my foot that's hurting, which I don't even remember because I had begun my nightly snooze -- no, my nightly semi-conscious-state -- to the tune of Dirty Jobs on Discovery. And, man, do I love that show. Such a bummer that I always miss half of it. (not to mention the massage)

I realized this morning I haven't played hardly any music for KT -- no lullabyes or the 8 CDs of baby music I have stocked in her room. I guess because she doesn't need it -- she's so agreeable she goes to sleep and I don't have to lull her. But now I feel like she's "behind" on her music. Or, I am behind in teaching her -- see, baby? Music! Is nice! And comforting! Oh well.

I'm sure we'll look back fondly on this time of our lives one day. Right now we're just motoring.

Product Reviews: Bottle Warmer & Heart Warmer

Was I a complete moron as a first-time mom? YES. Yes I WAS. I did not think about the potential benefits of this bottle warmer. Thank God I got smarter between then and now. UM, HELLO? Do YOU own a 2-story home? Do YOU keep a microwave -- or even better, a stove and a pan of hot water -- on the same floor as your bedrooms? No, neither do I. And this bottle warmer has SAVED my aching KNEES, my almost-34-year-old KNEES, for the love of God, from having to stumble downstairs at 2:00 am carrying a hungry baby. So, Five Stars, Bottle Warmer. You are AWESOME.

------

You need this Mulberry Whoosh. Seriously. Got kids, around 4 years old? You need this. It is so fun -- a book with a CD, which, in our house, makes it automatically the BEST BOOK EVER -- and is a darling updated take on "Here We Go 'Round the Mulberry Bush." I never could remember the words to the original song anyway. Was it a "cold and frosty morning?" or "so early in the morning?" No matter -- now I have plenty of silly verses to get stuck in my head.

The narrators/singers on the CD use all these wacky, nasaly or strangely-pitched voices, which at first made me wrinkle my nose, but once again: AM I A MORON? Kids eat thar stuff up. Funny voices? COOOOOL. AJ laughs and sings along and mimics said voices from start to finish. Besides that, the illustrations are bomb-diggity -- a real work of art. AJ loves this book. And so do I. And I wanted to share.

For Mother's Day

I really liked Arwen's thoughts about motherhood and about sharing the burdens and joys of it, instead of throwing them at each other in a useless competition for Best Parenting. For me, this part hit home:

"I'm guilty of it too, absolutely. It is true that I feel confident in my relationship with my daughter, but I am not without my moments of self-doubt. More than one time I have looked at another mother and felt relieved that she was not measuring up in some way, because it took the (self-inflicted) pressure off me."

Oh, Yes. Amen, sister. There's one particular mom at our daycare, Amy, who works for a large red soda company based here in Atlanta, and whose son is in AJ's class. She's never been anything but nice to me and yet, I have this mental block about her. Like maybe she's doing things better than I am. Or maybe she makes more money than I do and therefore fancies herself better than me. I know from AJ's teachers that her kid often gets in trouble and sometimes it secretly relieves me. I don't know where these thoughts come from, but I'm taking Arwen's wise advice and putting a stop to them today. I know in my heart that she has the same struggles as I do. The same hurt when she can't pick her boy up as early as she'd like to. The same sadness when he's sick or badly behaved. The same tired wish for him to LISTEN to her, and for him to grow up happy. Anyway, Amy, wherever you are today (probably on the connector right now, wishing traffic weren't such a PITA), I'm thinking of you in SOLIDARITY and FRIENDSHIP. :)

And for my own mother, who's headed off to visit Croatia (!!! brave woman, goodhearted wife !!!) this weekend, I wish a very happy Mother's Day. Because you, as I've always said, have given me such a gift in yourself. I'm blessed and lucky that you chose to be my Mom. :) ...Also because your Hallmark cards may not arrive before you leave the country. From one mom to another, I'm sure you understand.

Contents

I think my last post was lame.

This one, The Continuation, might not promise to be much better, but hey, I'm a slave to the subject matter that the Internet demands at this moment. ;)

So, inside the Diaper Bag, a visual:


clockwise from left:
- $10 bill because I'm too lazy to put it IN the wallet
- wallet, OLD
- gift card to Ann Taylor LOFT (thanks, Mom!)
- program from AJ's Spring Program (can't decide whether to file it under "Heartstrings" or "Excess Crap")
- aforementioned burp cloths, onesies, formula, diapers, wipes, & changing pad
- oh! a hanger! leftover from this weekend's baptism of KT, which I have to tell you about -- the "custom" at our church (evidently) is NOT to dress the baby in the White Garment until After the water part of the rite (yes...! interesting... and weird!)
- yellow toy cell phone, or so I thought, until AJ informed me indignantly that IT'S A CALCULATOR. From a Wendy's Kids' Meal (mom of year award!)
- Welcome envelope of coupons from my new hair salon
- raisins in mini boxes. For emergencies
- gum in 2 flavors
- missing from photo: Fave lip gloss. Where is it? Not sure. Also, bottle of water, which I realized right after taking the photo but had already put everything else back in, and, not going to re-create at 10:00 pm.

My other bag is smaller, pinker, and perfect when I go to work. I just transfer the wallet and a few other important Ida., and can JET!



- Target gift cards. Still have 2 to spend, around $30 each! Wooohoo!
- purse itself. A Tommy Hilfiger I got at Marshall's for cheap.
- nail file, nice and dusty (eww)
- Palm Zire. I loved this when I first got it but it doesn't hold a charge for crap. It's an electronic address book since that's the only feature I really use. Bummer.
- iPod nano in handy carrying pouch. MWAH!
- more raisins. (I don't love 'em that much, but they are served so rarely at our house that they're a great diversion when AJ is Extrememly Pissy-slash-Hungry.)
- pen, lipsticks, and more gum. I am a bit obsessed with gum lately.

So. Fun for you? Fun for me. Oh, I forgot my cell phone because I often keep it in my back pocket like a teenager. I also chose not to photograph all the gum wrappers, used grocery lists (several), and various other detritus that just gets lost in the big bag. It's a shame when a pretty bag becomes a Receptacle. Pennies and expired coupons are the BANE.

In the bag

I win I win I win! Surely you heard that I won one of Swistle's fabulous contests. :) I am so excited for her new writing gig. And happy about my PRIZE from this artist!

I can't even begin to tell you how much I love purses. When I go to Target, it's all I can do to avoid that purse area, which is always RIGHT UP FRONT in every different Target I frequentwhyIS THAT? The lovely bags at Target are usually $24 or less, which is good for me, but I still don't buy as many of them as I would like.

...Unrelated Aside: Oh, dear, my baby swing is dead of "C" batteries this morning. I do not have four Cs in the house, not even if I strip them from AJ's other toys, and ACK, I am working from home today. Can't be done without a baby swing! A trip to Target, therefore, will be made here SHORTLY.

Anyway, I thought, in light of my new bag, it'd be fun to show you my old bags, and what's in them (a good ol' fashioned Internet trick).

My Diaper bag:


... is not very fancy. It's one of your general choices at Babies R Us and it's really a prettier chocolate brown than this photo indicates. But I like it a lot. I wish two things: that it had TWO side pockets for bottles, and that the buttons on the front were sewed more tightly on (one of mine has already come off). BUT! It's pretty much just what I wanted. PINK trim helps. :) Inside, for baby:
- a nice changing pad (came with bag)
- diapers (although I discovered we were down to ZERO on Saturday when KT was in her white, heirloom christening gown and I thought she'd pooped... thankfully she hadn't)
- wipes
- an empty bottle
- a thing of formula powder
- a bottled water
- 2 onesies, a burp cloth, and a light blanket

...for me:
- Victoria's Secret Beauty Rush lip gloss (LOVE!)
- some other lipsticks in case of emergency
- my iPod nano, when I remember to charge it
- cell phone
- gift cards and coupons for diapers

...aaaaaaand KT's woken up from my second attempt at a morning nap. This will have To be continued when I get back with batteries. Up next, we'll view INSIDE the purse(s). WOooooooo! Cliffhanger!

Useless information

Once again, I dreamed that I was friends with Amy. That just by virtue of my reading her, she knew me and we were friends. In this dream (as opposed to another one I had -- multiple dreams, is what I'm saying!), some gamer-boy had referred to her on his blog or a message board, with a negative comment about "mommy bloggers." He'd even spelled her name wrong (Am-lah). I laughed knowingly with her as if to say, "Silly gamr dude, with his misspelling! But any PR is good PR in this crazy blogging business, right? Wink, wink, AmyMYBESTFRIEND." As if *I* am in the blogging business. And as if she needs more PR. HAaaaaa. Love Amy. Anyone else dream about your fellow bloggers?

* * * * * * * * *

Something I think about alot of the time is my German heritage. Although we do more cultural celebration of my Mom's side of the family (Cajun), my maiden name (one of those below) and my Dad's heritage is decidedly German. In fact, the little town I grew up in, in Texas, had a large collection of German-descended folks. I realized last night that it was concentrated mostly within our Catholic church, and that having the perspective of a child when I lived there is why it has seemed to me for years that "everyone" was German -- really it was just our general circle. The town had plenty of Scottish, English, Hispanic of course, and even French-sounding names. Anyway, the German thing is endlessly fascinating to me and I often find myself listing out all the names I can remember from from my elementary (parish) school or our family's acquaintances:

Albrecht
Berend
Geiger
Gerber
Herr
Kriegshauser
Lindeman
Lueb
Lowerwald
Reinart
Reinauer
Schilling
Schrandt
Schroeder
Schumacher
Wagner
Walterscheid
Wilhelm
Zinzer

I don't know why this interests me, but it does. My school served sausage and sauerkraut at its spring carnival, by the way.

* * * * * * * * *

Did I take a leave of absence from work because I had a baby or something? It is strange to me that, coming back, it really feels like I didn't much leave. Now, I advised this and I generally think it's a good thing, but lately it has seemed like I never was pregnant and that hospital thing was just a blip on the screen. I turn around and check behind me like, "Did that really happen?" I don't know -- the last time I returned from maternity leave it just felt a whole lot more monumental. This time it's just life, continued. Strange. Maybe KT is getting short shrift. Maybe TIME FLIES.