Writing, jobs/vocations, and Christmas coming

I've been trying to write something here all week, and nothing I've put down has seemed worthy of even remembering, myself, let alone inviting others to read. We've been sick at our house - Shawn, Alex and Kate - and I'm living in fear that I'll be next, probably during (2013) Christmas (2012) Week (2011) as usual, or during Midnight Mass, which has happened more than once. (As long as I get to sing my solo verse of "In the Bleak Mid-Winter," I will not mind, really. It's one of my favorite solos, even moreso than "O Holy Night," which I've never done because we have a tenor who does it. ;) )

My job leaves me wanting to blog-vent every single day, and if I were not me, but someone else reading this, I would likely comment with heavy fingers, typing, "FOR GOD'S SAKE, QUIT the job if it's so terrible!" ...but I'm either too timid to quit or too stupid, or there are enough decent things about it that I don't always want to. Only sometimes. Mondays usually. ;) The things that make me crazy are, many times, the whims of ONE person in particular -- she who hired me. I had thought that she was on her way out this year, as a matter of fact. She was making it known in the fall that she was actively looking for new work (yay)! But then, the CEO bought the company from our previous shareholders, and he divided his shares among the managers, including her. So I guess she's staying now. Pfft.

There's still one hope for me, if they hire an additional new person in my department. She/he would become my manager, and I have begun praying for a person who HAS CHILDREN, and might possibly have an understanding heart in that department -- and also one who has a pleasant working style, UNLIKE this woman around whom I've been struggling. If that were to happen, I think things would be infinitely improved. But you never know.

Working is such a fundamental part of living, at least for me. It continues to define me and my mood and my operating style, and I don't know why, or if that is a good thing, or bad. I don't know if I can take the wider view in a more permanent way, and STOP seeing work as part of my definition, or if I will always do so. I suppose if it's a vocation, it's okay to see it this way. And maybe writing to breast cancer survivors, with them in mind, about wellness and happiness and strength and courage, IS my vocation (w w w dot a m o e n a dot u s, for those who don't know). I suppose it isn't a bad one. The problem is when the vocation gets surrounded with all the other stupid stuff of business. Personalities and power-plays and making money and continuously low clickthrough rate challenges and having to do thing reactively instead of proactively.

I'm sure priests' and ministers' vocations get eaten up with the stupid stuff of business, too. I've always thought they must hate the financial part of running a parish. "Not why I got into this business!" they must grumble to themselves. That's a bit of comfort, maybe.

Anyway, it's Christmas, and the kids' last half-day of school today. They both had a ton of makeup work that needed to get done this week, and they did it by the skin of their teeth (Kate, this morning, eating pancakes and doing spelling).

We feel good about this year's Santa haul, although we haven't layed it all out REALLY, to compare and make even. I'm trying to decide if I'll wrap everything this year or not. I kinda want to and have squirreled away 2 different Santa-themed wrapping papers, one for each kid, a la my Mom. :) Maybe I'll include a note that one of the elves got excited about wrapping paper this year. The kids are getting a Disney Infinity game for (one of the game systems, I can't remember which one) to share. Kate's getting an Easy-Bake Oven, and Alex an Air Hogs Quad-Copter, for their "big" gifts, I guess. Kate's also getting some stitching and yarn activities, which I can't wait to do with her, and Alex is getting some of his trading cards, of course. I can't remember what all else. Books. Oh, Kate's getting a bow and arrow (Nerf Rebelle) for an outdoor toy.

Tonight I get to go to a moms' party, and I'm excited because I love having something festive to do, but also feeling a little bummed slash guilty that it's just for the moms. Kate will give me the business, I'm sure, about being gone "all the time." The weekend promises errands and a kids' choir thing at the Square, and cleaning house (much needed), but we don't have to do uniforms laundry, so that's a bonus. ;)

I'm planning to make crepes for Christmas breakfast. In our own house, just us.

Elf Defense

I almost took that post from Tuesday down. No need to spew my bad mood all over the place. But.... yes. There IS a need to, because it feels good to get it out of my head. It's a journal, and journals are for FEELINGS, and I'm nothing if not rich in feelings.

Here's how I feel about something: I don't know why everyone's so heated up about the Elf on the Shelf. There is no direct commandment from the creators of that thing to make the Elf do any "antics!" NONE! In the little book that comes with the Elf, it only says he finds a place to sit and the kids have to find him! If you're thinking you have to be all kinds of creative and come up with tiny marshmallow habitats or clever plays on Elfin daily activities, or worse, that you have to wreck your own home in the name of "elf mischief," you have been swindled by Pinterest and Facebook and it's your own fault!

Now admittedly, Shawn and I produce big sighs about having to find a new place for him some nights, and we sometimes forget, but all the complaining that goes down on social media, and all the 800-word blog posts about how one little red doll has ruined Christmas -- I'm weary. Stop doing it if you don't like it, ya idiot.

Our tree is up, with the usual amount of parental angst and bickering, and also the usual number of ornaments on the bottom half of the tree where the kids automatically go, no matter how many times I say, "don't forget the back of the tree!" We had excellent laughs, however, at our photo ornaments of babies who were afraid of Santa. They got "front and center" status, and I dearly hope to have at least ONE party at our house so that other people can experience the joy of those pictures.

I need a floor lamp in that space, however. This weekend, we need to shop for outdoor Christmas decor (our first! Because new house!) and a floor lamp. Oh, and maybe some gifts for others, heh. I still have to ship a few things, don't I? Eek.

Go on, GUESS how I'm feeling.

Whiny. The answer is "whiny," about work this week (total shocker), even though I KNOW I should be grateful for having a job, and yes, it's only a small part of my overall amazing life. Amazing. Grateful, indeed. Part of it is re-entry after Thanksgiving break, which was so lovely and long (3 days off, plus a weekend! Luxury!) and we went to Pensacola and there, at Mom and Dad's, is where I feel comfortable and secure, and also able to be lazy (sorry, Shawn). And cousins. I had such fun letting our kids play with Tom and Dominique's kids, and they all just adore each other. It's hard to leave all that fun.

But my malaise is more than just post-vaca blues, because before the break, I'd had an annual performance review with a new manager who is more critical than my previous manager. She did me in with the "Needs Improvement"s. Sad face. When I see my Outlook calendar or my to-do list, I'm left with a really low, dejected spot in my mind, and uninterested in implementing any resulting goals. It's the opposite of what I think I'm supposed to feel, which is "Motivated and Enthusiastic to do Better, and be more Awesome!" Don't get me wrong, she applauded me on ... one or two things.

Scratch that -- you can go ahead and get me wrong. I guess I've always been a top student and not getting an A hurts a bit. A lot. (Even though I wasn't that surprised by the review, and during it, I didn't get emotional or even argue anything. It's just that 4 or 5 days later, it's starting to sting.)

Anyway, on top of that delightfulness, there are many, many new and Very Important projects. Ideas that people come up with, that they never manage to think all the way through. Or follow up about. But they manage to send me an email with an ACTION item. And they needed it yesterday.

I guess if I combine the two problems -- goal malaise plus things that need following-through-on -- I could come out on top, by bringing some things to fruition and thus looking awesome.

But blogging and Twitter and online shopping all seem like a lot more fun to me right at this moment.

Of all the days

Of all the days for our furnace to not be working...

It's the downstairs furnace, and we've already had it checked once. The guy said there was a sensor that was a little dirty, so it wasn't sensing the right temp and therefore the heat wasn't kicking on. We thought, "Oh, okay, all fixed, thank you!" and it's been working fine now all week. Shawn even installed our very own Nest thermostat, which you can control via an app on your phone, and it's pretty awesome. But last night the temperature decided to get down to GULP! Wait, is it November? degrees, and we couldn't get the downstairs heat to come on at all.

The only good thing about that is I am pretty sure I can convince Shawn to build us a fire in the fireplace tonight.

I do love winter weather, actually. And this week has been amazing with fall color -- it had to be the peak of the season.

On tap this weekend: Kate has two birthday parties to attend, I'm making chili for the family of the boy with brain cancer (update: he's halfway through his radiation treatments and doing chemo, as well), and other than that, it's a clean house kind of weekend!

6 Quick Takes (no time for 7)

I think Mom & Dad probably worry a little when I don't post for more than a week. Everything's fine, though - just busy. :)

Let's do this in the ol' Seven Quick Takes format:

1. I almost started a blog post the other day, when I got my weekly "Prayer Team" email from the parish. (I joined the "prayer team," which they call "Prayer Warriors," which I kind-of strongly dislike.) There was a request that said, and I quote, "For a family who has problem [sic] with bees in one room of their house; pray that the pest control company will be able to get rid of the bees."

"Really? We're praying about bees?!" I thought. Meanwhile, the choir director who needs a kidney was not on the list. (I mean, he's on the general prayer list of course, but I was offended on his behalf, and also.... bees.) I don't know, I guess if I had bees in my house I wouldn't be too pleased, but I am fairly certain I wouldn't call up the parish office and ask for it to be put on the PRAYER list. What the heck.

2. Yeah, so the choir director -- MY choir director, my FRIEND -- needs a kidney translplant and donation. He had heart surgery 2 years ago, and it went okay but there was a coma and some complications and ever since, his kidneys have not been doing well. He'd been put on The List - the national transplant list - a long while back, but in October, his doctor told him that it was worse than they thought, and he needs a translplant ASAP. He's been fitted with a catheter for home dialysis, and he flat-out asked the choir to consider donating. He also went home to visit family, and I'm hopeful that a cousin or something will be moved to donate, one, because even cousins have a better genetic match probability, and two, that takes the pressure off.

Because also: He's O+, and so am I (pretty sure)... and he needs a kidney that's less than 63 years old, which counts out the vast majority of my fellow choir members.

I've been struggling with this.

Immediately when he asked, I thought to myself, "This could be your big gift to the world." I don't know why I thought that. It feels right to at least consider it -- I mean, how terrible would I feel if no one does offer a kidney, and he died? Here I sit, very healthy and only (only!) 40! I could likely get through a surgery just fine. I mean, yes, it opens the donor up for possible complications and all. And that's why anyone would hesitate. But then an evil little corner of my mind even whispered, "You could get a break! Time off work because you had a major surgery." I don't know why I would even tell anyone that, but... Well. Barring that stupidity -- from what I've read, the recipient's insurance pays for it. And he's a friend. I'd hate for him to think his friends WOULDN'T donate a kidney for him. How unloved would you feel?

It's really eating at me. Monsignor put a notice in the bulletin, as well, so I'm hopeful that someone else is braver, faster than me. I wonder how much time we actually have. Please put ME on the prayer list (right after the bees).

3. How weird would it be for your kidney to be in someone else's body, on the other side of the piano where you rehearse together every week? Hi, kidney! Truly weird. I'm not trying to be funny, even. I really think that would be surreal.

4. One of the reasons I hopped on here was to put some ideas for Christmas gifts out there in the world, so I don't forget them and also to help some of the family members who read this blog who might want ideas. :)

For A & K, we've already bought one big gift. Haven't decided yet if it's going to be from The Jolly Old Elf or from the parents, but it's a Disney Infinity game for the Xbox, and a couple of extra characters. (look it up). We also have a nice case for trading cards for Alex.

For Kate, I want to get some crafty things, like a Spool Loom, or some needlepoint or cross-stitch. She seems to really like those kinds of things and I loved them, too, when I was about her age. I think, too, she needs things like that to develop her focusing skills.

I haven't yet asked them what their "wants" are, but Kate busted out with "I don't want to ask for anything this year; I don't want to seem greedy," and shocked us all. Pleasantly, but still. I think they want that little robot dog, the Zoomer? Or a real dog, I think....ooooh, Honey.... ?.... or no, maybe not.... not yet in our new house.

5. I'm not afraid of being greedy: I would like a new bathrobe, a Pioneer Woman cookbook, some Kirkland's giftcards, the Mitford series (read 'em years ago but don't have them anymore), a book by Cary Elwes (the actor) called As You Wish, and the Princess Bride movie to go with it, sweaters, boots (size 7), socks... See? Plenty of ideas.

6. Shawn, feel free to chime in, in the comments, with some things that you promise not to buy for yourself before December 26th. :) xo!  (and Mom, you too!)

Mad (both meanings)

Ooooh, something happened earlier at work that SET ME OFF and I vented to my coworker very loudly about it! I'm still feeling the heartrate increase and it's been at least an hour. I think all the same drama/stress (firings and hirings, and lots of attitudes and me still feeling undirected and underappreciated, in a small company) that's been squashed down over the last few weeks just finally had to get out. Normally I just type my little typings, do my thing, head down. Get the work done and get out of there. But today, man. Watch out.

;)

Why are so many workplaces so stupid??

I wasn't sure how we were going to manage this past weekend's family schedule, but we did it. Multiple Saturday sleepovers and cross-town birthday parties for the kids to attend, a party for the adults (Shawn and I made our appearance but could hardly wait to leave it, sadly), and a fun concert on Friday night (Capital Cities in downtown ATL) kept us going in high-gear until Saturday around 9:00pm. I got changed into my comfy pants and basically went to bed right then. I was d.o.n.e. Slept until 8:00 am on Sunday, and weirdly, or maybe not weirdly, I was even more tired Sunday afternoon. Like, HEAVY tired.

So THIS weekend, if we were smarter, would be long, lazy days at home with nothing to do. Unfortunately, that is not how it's going to be. Tra-la! We're in the thick of fall! Shawn and Alex (and Brandon) leave for their Scout camping trip early Saturday morning. Right on their tails the same morning, Kate and I must attend a 5K fundraiser for my job. I want to look forward to it -- a chance to be outside and walk, casually, in one of my favorite spots in town -- but it's supposed to be 30-something degrees out and it's the day after Halloween! Blerg!! NOT optimal timing. And then in the evening, Kate sings with the choir at Mass, AND she wants a friend to spend the night, too. YEESH. Speaking of which, I'd better get off here so I can email the mom.

But maybe after THAT, on Sunday, I will be free to rest (ha) or do something *I* want to do. Like decorating the guest room a little. Maybe.

What things are you doing this fall?

Quickie updates...

I have removed 6 pounds from my person! Well, 5.9 truthfully. But we're going to say 6 because: Hooray, and my Old Navy grey pants fit again! They'd been relegated to the back of the closet for a GOOD WHILE there.

I told Mom: If anyone asks me, "How did you lose weight?" I'll just say, "Oh, I was just hungry all the time." That's the truth. I haven't gotten to the point where I want to eat vegetables to fill up. I'd just rather not eat. I mean, the little snack-size containers of sugar-free applesauce and diced peaches have been a saving grace -- and bananas, I can't get enough bananas -- but broccoli? Salad? Not interested. I miss wine, too, but not willing to spend the calories on it the last few weeks if it's going to mess up my progress. Mayyyybe, if I add in exercise (I REALLY need to add that into the equation), I'll add a glass of wine back in, too.

And on the AJ grows up front: Recording in the 'baby-book' that I left him at home alone yesterday (on purpose) for the first time. :) So big. He was there about 45 minutes between when I took Kate to gymnastics and Shawn got home from work. Kind-of a freedom, for him and for me. But a strange-feeling freedom! 

Blog love and AJ love

I just love this blog. I was re-reading posts from the "grumpy pants" category this morning, heh. Poor 4-year-old AJ. He was trouble back then, I had forgotten! That was before I complained about Kate's behavior full-time! AJ is sometimes still trouble now, though not often. When he is, it is ugly -- kicking and stomping in his upstairs bedroom. Eek. It's hard to know how to handle it; on one hand, I feel like as long as he's not destroying things, he can vent in this way.... but it sometimes SOUNDS like he's destroying things. Particularly MY NEW HOUSE. Doors, walls. On the other hand, dude, you're TEN, come on. He would feel like a real jerk if he actually did kick a hole in a wall, and he'd be so remorseful and sad, I don't know what I would do. Kid does have a big heart for wanting to please/be perfect. Once, I sent him outside to the backyard to have his temper tantrum, and he did -- rolled around on the grass and everything. I admit I snickered at him from the window inside (he didn't see me). Volatile emotions, I tell you.

Anyway, what I wanted to say was that I love having the blog to go back and remember things by -- even the grumpy days. And I miss little AJ. My 10-year-old Alex is starting to do some of that pulling away that I know bigger kids do. Not like, going out on his own with his friends, obviously, but just needing us less. There are still cuddles on the couch sometimes, and morning hugs and nighttime tuck-ins. I treasure that he's still asking me, so sweetly, to please read with him before he goes to sleep (after I put Kate to bed). He'll hand me the book in his hands and snuggle down to let me read to him for a few minutes. Last night it was Shel Silverstein. The kid gets me.

He's grown in the past year. His annual check-up is next week and I need DH to take good notes on height/weight, so we can see for sure. He's still the smallest one in the class, but there are a few kids who aren't much taller than he - he's caught up quite a bit. He's lost only 4 teeth. Kate's lost 5. He's embarrassed by that, I think, and dying for the current loose one to come out, but he won't wiggle it like we always tell him to. The adult tooth is already coming in, he says.

He eats pretty well. He eats hamburgers, tacos (ate three tacos last night, plus finished the taco meat with Scoops tortilla chips), lasagna, spaghetti, chicken of all types -- says his favorite food is chicken, which cracks me up (what about pizza?!) -- loooooooves broccoli, eats green beans and snow peas, loves chili, tuna casserole, sloppy joes... still doesn't really do seafood. Haven't tried gumbo this fall, but maybe soon. There's a cold front coming through right now and once the weather's cool.... yummy.

He got invited to enroll in the Duke University TIP program. I plan to register him this week and I hope he'll like it. There's a book club and a writing contest and those two things alone should entice him. :) He still thinks he wants to be a writer when he grows up.

We quit jiu jitsu last year, for a variety of reasons -- mostly that his interest level was at zero. He's still doing Cub Scouts but has pretty much checked out of that, too. We're not sure he'll continue to Boy Scouts and we're leaving the choice up to him. We desperately need to get him set up with piano lessons -- that is what he says he wants to try. And his trading cards. We're not worried that he'll turn into one of those Magic the Gathering kids -- they're usually smart, introspective types, after all -- just that he'll spend all his teenager free-time wearing black at comic book store back-room tournaments, like this place called The Raven's Nest. Or speaking Elvish or some such.

He's a great kid.

* * * * * * *

Lately (this is going to sound somewhat "DUH"), my mind has given me a new way to deal with not really loving my job/workplace, and that is by thinking about the goodness of my/our life as a whole, giant circle, and thinking of the work part as SUCH a small part of that. It really is. Insignificant, really, although I do give myself a pass because as the saying goes, the days are long. I still don't like the fact that a good chunk of my weekdays are spent sitting in that cubicle, but when I back out of the cube in my mind, and look at it from afar... meh. It's nothing. It's not worth my getting so "grumpy pants" all the time. I don't know why it's taken me this long to come to that realization. I expect I'll have to continue coming to it.

We help because we're part of the family

I just read a post by Caroline at Some Pig and it sparked a topic that has been on my mind, but I've not written about it. Mostly because I'm always too busy whining to have anything as planned-out or well-executed as a TOPIC. Pshaw! Topics.

Anyway, the topic is chores, or in a kinder, gentler tone: Helping around the house.

There's a memory deep in my brain, about being over at a childhood friend's house (Nikki) and having to follow behind her while she dusted one Saturday morning. Her mother required that she do the dusting, and she wasn't complaining about it, just already responsible enough to do it (or... she may have been threatened enough by her parents, I'm unsure). I felt a little weird about because she didn't necessarily want me to help her, she just had to get it done before we could go ride our bikes or jump on the trampoline or whatever. We couldn't have been more than 8 or 9.

I had chores, too, like making my bed (I think) and, as I always tell Kate and Alex, pulling weeds in the yard. Weed-pulling wasn't a daily or weekly thing, though, and making the bed, setting the table.... I never really felt a working pressure to do them. It seems like we had a chore chart at some point. We didn't get allowance, and maybe that's one difference, but in general I knew I was supposed to help around the house. Cleaning up our rooms and our closets was a big one, too, as I recall.

Anyway, we're trying to instill some kind of "helping" mindset in our kids with mixed success. Alex's main chore, for allowance, is that he collects the upstairs and incidental garbage every week. This year I've added "putting away clean clothes" to Alex's list -- I just put them on his bed and he's expected to put them in the drawers neatly.

Kate's first chore was wiping off the table after dinner (she never could stick to that one). Lately it has unofficially become setting the table for dinner. She really likes helping with all the aspects of dinner prep and sometimes I'm even grateful.

They're also supposed to put their backpacks on the hooks (or at least remove them from the middle of the kitchen floor), help me when I'm bringing in groceries, clear their plates after meals, brush teeth, and get dressed... but I don't think of those as chores as much as good citizenry.

I think it's been a gentle, easy progression into doing some work around the house, and I do like that they feel they're "earning" their allowance (we're still at $2.50/week for Alex (age 10) and $1.25/week for Kate (6) -- I don't know if it's too much or too little, but for me it's about learning to earn/save/spend wisely. We still have much work to do there!). We have frequent battles about who's responsible for taking shoes/toys/junk upstairs to their own rooms, and "we all help because we're all part of this family" often needs declaring. I *think* they're getting it, overall, but sometimes attitudes and results tell me otherwise.

An idea percolating to help with the concept, that Swistle incidentally brought up just today, is to spend an hour on a weekend day with everyone cleaning together. Because let me tell you: One thing that stresses Mama out is all the cleaning that piles up during our busy weeks, that has to be done on the weekends. Like scrubbing down bathrooms, vacuuming, cleaning the kitchen counters, and dusting. Shawn almost always does the dusting and vacuuming, and I typically handle kitchens and bathrooms, but I'm thinking it's about time we SHARE THE FUN with the kids. Those are time-consuming tasks and we could get them done faster by working together. Maybe (ha)... Maybe after one good training session... I bet Alex could wield the vacuum. Kate already likes Windexing mirrors and even sweeping under the kitchen table... Maybe there would be an extra couple of dollars tacked onto their allowances for completing the whole hour. Hmmmmm.

Email Eliz. and other random things

I left a note in my work To-Do notebook last Friday afternoon: "Email Eliz." -- with the check-box-shaped bullet point I use to indicate tasks.

Monday, and still today, I have no idea who "Eliz." is, or what she needs from me in an email. I really don't. There is no Elizabeth in my immediate circle, and no one I can think of in my work circle. Mystery!

The mind is strange, I tell you, and getting older is even stranger.

* * * * *

We had a delightful weekend, with Mom and Dad arriving Friday afternoon to celebrate Mom's birthday. They are so good and generous to drive up here for us. They think it's a gift to themselves, to come see their grandkids, but it's really a gift to Shawn and me. I truly, truly wish we had more time to drive to THEIR house for regular visits, but we have to just be, and accept what is. So we can't go there as often as we would like. That is the reality, and it's okay. So I'm just grateful that in their retirement, they don't mind a weekend road trip or four, per year. :) We talked about Thanksgiving, and I think we'll go to Pensacola then, so I'm happy about that. It will be a luxurious three-and-a-half days there, something so precious and rare.

We celebrated with a new (to them) Mexican restaurant and a very lime-y guacamole on Friday night.... and crashing on the couch later.... then with a lazy, gray Saturday (well, lazy after doing a quick volunteer job at school, and excluding Shawn, who had busy Cub Scout duty).... a Cajun dinner out with Uncle Jim and loud music and so much fooooooood..... and crashing on the couch later..... and then Sunday Mass with a Mozart solo I was proud of, and happy to be able to share with my Most Importants.... and some shopping, just the girls. Shopping is fun and I don't do it often enough. We didn't even venture into any grown-up ladies' stores, only Gymboree, since Kate was determined to have a new outfit by the end of the outing. We did have fun in the Yankee Candle store, as well.

What I remember about shopping with Mom when I was Kate's age, is the grown-up stores. Mom trying on things in the fitting rooms. And then, going to the kids' sections and trying on clothes. Kate doesn't do much of that yet. I can be pretty sure that the 5s or 6s will fit her. But someday, we'll do more shopping, and do it right. And have a latte afterwards. :)

Oh, and one other milestone, we had our first meal and birthday cake in our new house's dining room. I was happy about that, and so happy that it was spacious! No squeeeeeezing around the table like we used to in our old house! Plenty of space to move out a chair, sit down, get up to grab something from the kitchen, take photos...! Dining room is christened!

* * * * *

Today (Thursday) I'm fighting a cold, ugh. How luxurious and wonderful it would be to take a sick day, and fight a cold from my bed, using my new book (Jodi Piccoult's The Storyteller) and several naps as my effective weapons. Sigh. Do people my age do that anymore, ever?

I guess DayQuil is effective, too.

Learning from others

Last Wednesday, we learned that very unexpectedly, a child in our Scout Pack was having brain surgery. Just like that. Headaches, MRI, brain surgery. I was a bit of a mess that day. (I'd already been reading/watching some of the 9/11 memorial stuff, then this hit my inbox.) I don't know the child very well at all, and I barely know the parents, but we know them. They're in our circle, we know each others' names and kids' names. I know they're good people. And the thought of what they were going through that day... a 6-hour surgery... a neurosurgeon, of all things... it stopped my breath several times while I was trying to work and be a good employee. The surgery went well and they'll probably be released today. They haven't gotten pathology results on the golf-ball-sized tumor (!) that was removed from his cerebellum, or at least they haven't shared those results on caringbridge.org yet. But I am praying for them constantly. Thinking of them. Give them strength. Help them get through today. What a life-changing week they've had. Every time I pictured it last week, my mind managed to put me in that hospital waiting room, because What if? And thank God, no, but what IF. Frightens and saddens me to the core. So there's been a bit of perspective around here lately. Another friend, I learned, has become a grandmother. I knew her 21-year-old daughter was pregnant but didn't realize baby had been born. And evidently there is enough friction that my friend has told the daughter she won't help, that the baby would be better off if she gave it up for adoption. I'm floored by this. That is an awful lot of pain, to be able to say that. I think about the girl, postpartum without help from her Mom. Whom does she ask when she has questions about how warm to make the bottle? If it's okay if the baby sleeps with her? If it's okay to not shower for a day or two? I'm considering trying to find out her phone number and just offer something. This is a girl that babysat Alex a couple of times when she was in high school. I thought she was very sweet. But there was rebellion, and trouble. Her mother never gave her a chance; wrote her off the minute she began misbehaving. (The baby's father has left, I think.) I don't understand and can't fathom. And I read a book about a guy from my high school who was paralyzed at age 19, and has been wheelchair-bound ever since. Sorry to be a downer. Everything is fine. I've been gifted with some real examples of, If these are my problems, my problems are nothing.

Grateful and lighter

First week of [whisper] Weight Watchers was a success; weigh-in was this morning. Well, done, Me! I resisted the cheese dip that is in my fridge (bought the week before I decided to do this). I resisted the Dove dark chocolate squares in my desk drawer at work. I had peanut butter on toast when I was hungry one night, instead of something stupid yummy mindless. It is indeed possible to succeed on a diet, you just have to eat less. Imagine that. I don't know, I feel good but also kinda dumb for not being able to realize this every other time before. Money talks, I guess.

Our weekend was nice, except for a bummer of a restaurant pick Friday night. We're still experimenting with our new location, you know? Bad news is, we haven't found anything amazing except the brunch place. This was a bar-type place. I had a salmon salad, supremely boring. I wanted wings with blue cheese. I did have one of Shawn's wings, and in fact it was too salty, hence the thumbs-down review. Does anyone care about this paragraph? No.

We went to Mass on Sunday morning -- my choir's first Mass of the school year. When I arrived, I stopped at the "time and talent" tables to say hi to a friend, then inside, I ran into my high school buddy, Alex, who lives in town and, lo and behold, attends our church. His last name and mine were right next to each other on all the rosters, so we frequently had lockers and homerooms together, all those years ago. What fun to see him. While talking to him, three different people came up behind me and wanted to say hi or share a hug. I felt FULL with friendship - just the way it's supposed to be. I love that. And then, after a dismal pre-game rehearsal that convinced me we were going to sing a whole step flat all morning, we pulled off an a cappella anthem, and ended it PERFECTLY in tune, in the right key. Amazing.

After that it was football-watching time, and a nail-biter for the Falcons! I mostly sat and enjoyed the game and my Diet Pepsi. Only had to attend to Kate once, really -- she and Alex played and watched Scooby Doo in the other room, occupied with other kids. Bliss! This coming Sunday the family who hosted is coming to our house -- our first non-family, actual party-attending guests! I'm making chili. I'm debating letting Kate have a girly friend over at the same time, since the football friends only have two teenage boys.

What more can we ask for? A relaxing weekend, time with friends and family, love of God displayed ...? Nothing! Well, maybe just a delicious place to eat dinner. ;)

September begins

It is no longer August, and this is a very good thing. August is my bugaboo. Deep in the heat of the southern summer, it drains all my energy. Or rather, seems to tamp it down into the very core of me, so that I feel suffocated and bothered by many things, like work and food and bad habits, and unable to think of anything else.

So, I'm relieved and happy for September 1. And I have new things to enjoy:

1. A new iPhone! I upgraded to the lowly 5S, which shall be obsolete and so-last-year by next week, when the 6 is released. I'm sure Shawn cringed to watch me NOT buy the 6, but my 4S was being a fuddy-duddy and wanted to be relieved of its daily duties. My new phone is shiny and white and that's one (really dumb) weight lifted off me. I can trust that I can download all the apps now that I have iOS7.
2. A new person at work. I've only met her twice via Skype (she sits in the UK), and she was very deer-in-the-headlights (welcome to A****na!), but maybe with this addition to my team, some of the 9-5 drama will be relieved. I'm hopeful.
3. A paid-for membership to Weight Watchers online. Sigh. It's time to put some money where my mouth is, and what an excellent metaphor that is. $56 for 3 months of mouth discipline, and I've already told a real-life friend so she and I can be buddies and keep each other accountable. On my own, I can buy all the right foods and TELL myself I'm going to eat them, in the right portions, but then we order pizza and 2 (okay, 3) slices later, I'm stupid-full again and I might as well eat ice cream with the kids, too. I'm looking at this with "when I was 40, I got healthy" eyes. Forty is a good reason. The first 5-pound loss is going to be rewarded with a new pair of shoes. I wouldn't say I'm excited about it, new shiny apps notwithstanding. It's a pain to track everything. But success will feel sweet and I can manage a little discomfort. I like most vegetables, after all. I can be mindful and not just eat whatever. I can give up the 13th through the 50th tortilla chips, and just have 12 instead.

Simple.

Last night while eating dinner and with both kids happy (parents too), Shawn asked Kate, "What can we do, to make morning-time easier for you?" I followed up with, "Yeah, what might be some suggestions for how to be happier while we get dressed and ready for school?"

She only had to think for a second, then said, "Maybe set my alarm? And play a CD?"

Simple.



It worked.

Living without intention?

[Monday] Sunday nights and Monday mornings make me feel like I'm not living intentionally. I read wayyyyy too much about goal-setting and productivity, and "living with intention," so my emotions are likely skewed, but when another weekend goes by and I haven't made the time to 1) Refresh my dang LinkedIn profile slash resume, and maybe even peek in on Monster.com just to see what's out there, or 2) done this or that change of address form (still), or 3) gone for a long walk/workout ... it makes me feel like I'm Doing It Wrong. But I was DOING THINGS, ALL WEEKEND, I promise. The kids' furniture got delivered (all but one piece, a mistake on the order, grrr...), and we rearranged all their stuff to accommodate it. That was most of the day Saturday, and then Sunday afternoon, too. We're really starting to finish, I think, getting moved in. :) Heh. Starting to finish. It's a long process, isn't it? I need to wash and possibly iron the dust ruffle that will now go on the guest room bed (we have a bed! in a guest room!) and then we can start arranging in there. So yes. Almost finished.

But back to the doing: We scheduled and executed playdates/sleepovers for both kids, again, and drove them there and back and around town. They can't say they didn't get to do anything fun all weekend (although Kate tried to, when she finally came home after 2 nights away - she was obviously extra-tired)...

We did lots of laundry, Shawn mowed the front and back, I went to the grocery store and Target, we went out to dinner Saturday night, and I even cooked something in the crock-pot for later this week.

We do so much.

But this whole living with intention thing is hard. Most days we just live to get through. Especially Mondays. We wake up unwillingly, we do what we have to do, we try to be present when we're parenting, and we crash by about 9:00 pm with no energy left. I know this is normal. I'm grateful for the normalcy, and for the goodness of a normal existence and a love-filled family. Is it social media/bloggers/vocal-and-optimistic-life-coaches that make us feel like we need to exist in some other, better way? Because they're sure vocal. And Visible. Online, I mean. It's everywhere. "You Could Be Happier."

[Tuesday] Last week I re-started the flextime plan, and I'm not sure it's going to work out. Our new house is further away from work, so if I don't leave by 6:10 (really difficult when you have a daughter whose circadian rhythms don't accommodate anything before 6:15), I'm not going to make it to the office before :45. And :45 means I'm already 15 minutes in the red for the day, when I already leave in the afternoon 15 minutes before when I should, just to hit the carpool line in time. (You: this is getting complicated/boring.) I don't take a lunch on those days, simply for the APPEARANCE of working harder -- even though I could, technically, still take a 30-minute lunch and have worked 8 full hours.

And you know what? I am SO OVER THIS. I am weary of being defensive about my time and counting minutes. I'm tired of feeling like the work that I DO GET DONE (all of it, every deadline met) isn't enough.

Here's my intention, and "by prayer and petition, and with thanksgiving," I'm "presenting my request to God:"* I want to reduce my hours to part-time. 35 hours would be 7:30 am to 2:30 pm. Maybe 3:30 pm one day a week, to take a lunch-hour. No guilt. The difference in pay would, I believe, be manageable. It's scary to contemplate this when we've just bought a new house, and furniture. But, quality of life. I really want us to consider it without fear or resentment. I CAN CLIP COUPONS.

*Phil. 4:6-7

Putting this here to bookmark it: http://www.workoptions.com/part-time-proposal

Weekend Gratitude Again

• A lovely, kid-free dinner out, on a patio (lemon-ricotta ravioli WHAAAAT?? Luscious.)
• Playdates and happy children
• More Furniture!

In the category of very first-world stuff, our kids' rooms are about to get an upgrade. When we moved, We boxed things up and didn't actually know how/where to put things at the new place, feeling we'd want to rearrange as soon as we could get them new furniture. With one more bedroom to furnish, we knew we'd have to shuffle beds around at some point.

Sunday, we went back to Rooms to Go. I guess the naysayers and Pinteresty pinners and interior decorators would tell you RTG isn't good quality, but I'm here to tell you I had my old RTG living room set for 17 years and it was still in pretty good shape -- good enough to give to some college kids for their apartment. Anyway, RTG and me, we're buds. We bought the kids each a full-size bed, and headboards and footboards and trundles, oh my! The headboards match; Kate got white, Alex got black (to match his black dresser). The headboards have storage cubbies and a shelf above, plus a "hidden" bookcase going down the side. I'm so excited about that hidden bookcase. Kate got a dresser/mirror for her room, as a little girl should have, and Alex got a DESK, since he's nearing middle school and real, for-true STUDYING, and then high school OMG.

And after the stuff is delivered, we can DECORATE.

Little by little, we've been decorating around the house, putting things on walls. I'm almost ready to share pictures and start having people over. Eeeee!

----

The weekend helps things look brighter, and I'm more calm, even about the dumb job, today. (THANK YOU for your comments.) Even though it's a Monday. I was proactive and scheduled a lunch with my mom-friends for Friday. I'm hoping to make that a regular thing. It was scary to ask (I don't know why), but apparently they like me, and they immediately said 'yes.' I can't wait for Friday.

The kids were less horrible this weekend, hooray for school being in session! Maybe it helped that they were each with friends for sleepovers/playdates, and then we got a babysitter Saturday night. Heh. I guess it's possible they weren't that good, but at least Shawn and I didn't have to deal with it! No, I'm kidding. Alex also got injured on Saturday -- his back. He slipped at the foot of the stairs, and landed on his back, and it really scared him badly because it knocked the wind out of him. He stayed pretty quiet and moved slowly. I think he's fine now.

A friend from several years ago died in a tragic accident last Friday (Sherry, it was Cary Scales). She was 40, and has two little boys. I'm having guilty thoughts for all of my complaining last week, after learning this news last night. A lesson, a warning, a wish, to be a better human every single day, because who knows.

This week in my brain

Things feel a little out of control. We're back to school, the first full week, and they're throwing us all the way in, right away. There were/are parent-teacher meetings Tuesday and Thursday nights, plus the Cub Scouts kick-off tonight, and already there's homework and lunches to make every day, since Fun Food doesn't start until next week. I dread those long, every-day lunchbox weeks.

Alex is handling it pretty well so far. He's excited to have color-coded his schedule and his 5th-grade binder. He has a lot of work to do to learn "responsible" and "organized," but he's beginning the work. He wants to be successful.

And not to compare the two kids, who are obviously at different stages of independence and development, but Kate is handling it... less well. Six is difficult. Kate is six. I worry she isn't getting enough sleep. She still requires me to sit with her while she takes a bath, falls asleep, and this morning she wanted me to sit with her while she got dressed. (I've read that this is pretty normal for her age, but it's tiring.) This morning. This morning was difficult. She's been doing better with waking, but not today. I hate the morning rush. I hate that I feel such a need to be punctual to my job. I should not care. (On the other hand, this is how the world works. Punctuality is a good trait to have and teach.) However, maybe I should help her as much as she needs, and THEN get myself ready to go. That might have to be this year's adjustment. But then there's the need to teach them independence, too. How to do that, while being helpful and secure for them at the same time? I just don't know. Everything is one huge contradiction, and kind-of on repeat.

Wait, I can't let Alex totally off the hook, because over the weekend HIS behavior had us absolutely baffled, too. He gets bored, I guess, or frustrated, and he flails around, unable to control his movements. I'm serious. And if Kate pisses him off, watch out. He'll go right up to her and punch... the couch cushion, an inch away from her leg or something. Repeatedly. Or he'll just walk around SIGHING. Or, he gets self-deprecating in the extreme. If he's gotten in trouble for pushing his sister earlier in the day, then the next time we look at him with a raised eyebrow it's, "I mess up EVERYTHING" and "I should just go in my room for the rest of the WEEKEND. That's what I'll do, I deserve to."

I realized something yesterday: I'm feeling very untethered at work right now, and that's adding to the stress at home. Aside from the drama, there's also some transition going on and it's left me on my own to handle things. My former mgr. is no longer my mgr. We no longer have our weekly meetings where she used to keep me in the loop on the politics. Meanwhile, I see her having weekly meetings with other, less senior coworkers. My next/subsequent mgr. is also now "former," and her successor is only contract/part-time. My European counterpart has left the company, and her temporary replacement was just on a European (read: 3-week) vacation. And on and on.

So yeah. I feel like I don't have any insight, or anyone leading me. I realized I'm a doer, not a leader. Which is fine and good. The world needs doers. But I've started wishing I'd be "reorg'd" out. I could deal with some severance pay for a month or two, that wouldn't be so bad. This thought seems... unhealthy.

I mean, overall everything is fine, great. I read this, after all. I know to be grateful. But also, there's been a full moon, have you seen it?

Atmosphere

I actually feel fine, myself, but everyone in my department is moody today, and it has totally rubbed off and made me feel anxious, depressed, a little sick to my stomach and like I just want to get out of here or curl up under my desk until it all goes away. There are big changes afoot at The Company Of Constant Drama -- new people in upper management started work yesterday, and a couple of people left -- and my friend/neighbor has been cursing under her breath all day about something else that is going to cause a lot of stress in our production schedule. Then M, my manager, went into friend/neighbor's office, shut the door, and I could tell they were both griping and having some tearful moments. I don't have a clue what most of it is about, but I do know my Mgr. has been doing some kind of life/career assessment course. I bet she's fed up. I bet she might leave because she doesn't feel respected as a person.

Hm., I want to say to her, and point to the email she sent me last week. HMMM. Isn't that interesting.

I know what I SHOULD feel is sympathy. I do... but I do not.

Hmm.

Did I mention I want to run away for today? It feels weird in here.

Good stuff from this weekend

So much to report. :)

• First of all, Friday at lunchtime, Shawn and I went to the furniture store and spent other people's money! Well, I mean, opened a credit card. :) We got a new sectional for the family room/den, and end tables and an ottoman to go with it. Gone are the days of not having enough seating space, and not having a surface on which to put our drinks! Yippie! That evening, Shawn went by the showroom to pick up one additional piece I bought, on a whim, the floor/display model. Totally on-sale. It's a beautiful cabinet. It's in our foyer right now, and might stay there or might move to the dining room, but I LOVE IT.

Don't you love it?

The rest is being delivered next Saturday. Now that we have all the furniture in mind, I think we're ready to start decorating. So yesterday, I unwrapped photos and candles and artwork and wandered around the house, trying to find the best spots for them. Maybe tonight some nails will go into some walls!

This was a weekend of spending TIME at home -- we had no commitments to birthday parties in the middle of the day, no long afternoons at any swimming pool, and I was in the house during times of the day I'm not normally there. I could see how the light from the big window hits this wall and that wall, and it was so nice. I still just love this house, and it's really coming together to be the house I have always wanted.

• Shawn bought, and the kids and I planted, some flowers (thanks, honey!). My first attempt at flowers went awry -- I had bought some lovely hanging baskets, but they died (even though I watered them! I promise!) within 7 days. Sad panda. So let's hope this second effort works out better.

• I finished the whole-house-cleaning that Shawn had started during the week. Now everything has been dusted, vacuumed, mopped or otherwise cleaned (bathrooms), and boy, did it need it. And wow, does that feel great.

• I baked banana bread. Always a satisfying venture.
• We saw a family that we like at Mass, who've now joined our parish. Their kids attend the school, but they were members elsewhere; now they're registered where they belong. I smile every time I see them. File this in the "appreciating friends" category.
• We got the last of the school supplies -- all-white PE shoes for Kate (hard to find) -- and spent a morning shoe shopping in the process. Kate was being a quintessential GIRL, oohing and ahhing over all the pretties at Payless. It was adorable. (Yes, I did also buy her that pair of gold flats, because how could I not??)
• Kate helped me make fish last night, and then both kids cleaned their plates! A miracle!

Let's not talk too much about how much the kids are fighting with one another lately, or how many times they were sent to their respective bedrooms (or how many times one of them refused to go)... let's just chalk it up to We Really Need School to Start Back, Now, and be grateful that happens on Thursday this week. Yes, let's.

Whiner

Last night Kate and Alex laughed at a TV show because there was a whiny kid on the screen, whining. They snorted. "Hey, Alex, that sounds just like Alonso at camp, doesn't it?"

I wanted SO BADLY to say, "Uh, it sounds like YOU at home!" But I refrained. I asked her why did it remind her of Alonso? "Oh, he's always whining, 'I don't wannnnnnt that.' or 'But I want to play outsiiiiiiiiiide...'"

She didn't see any comparison to herself at all, which, I guess, is fine. But I'm slightly gratified to know that at least she can recognize whining as NOT THE RIGHT WAY TO BEHAVE (particularly at a school or camp setting). I mean, I knew this, I trust that she behaves at school and camp. But sometimes at home, she really makes me wonder what lies there, deep down in her understanding.

WHEW.