Sunny springtime, 6 pm in the backyard

I've just got to capture, for future-me, the immensely happy feeling I had yesterday, and all the past weekend, before I forget it. It will fade away, guaranteed, with all the things that will happen between now and the future.

It wasn't any grand adventure or big event. It was just us. Just a very unplanned, no commitments weekend in spring - the kind I love best. In fact, I was SO spontaneous that late the week before, I texted the mom of a friend of Kate's, to ask if she could spend the night. And she could! So I drove her home with us after school on Friday and the two girls were very happy. They were so BUSY in Kate's room -- creating an "office" in her closet, and their "business," and asking me to come shop at their store, complete with pretend money. They drew/colored the paper money and cut it out themselves. They stayed up until nearly midnight. I let 'em. Kids love doing those kinds of "dangerous" things when it's a radical night like a sleepover, right? :) I was happy to let them. (Honestly, I snoozed on the couch while they watched multiple episodes of Disney sitcoms.)

Saturday I woke up and made just-add-milk-easy muffins for them, then left! Haircut and color. I hope Shawn wasn't upset with me for leaving him with the extra kid, but it had to be done. I have a feeling they played better without me there. Kate still tends to need me to be with her. We took Reese home Saturday afternoon and then went out for dinner at our new favorite BBQ place. So yummy. We played frisbee in the backyard afterwards, AND jumped on the trampoline. That's where the magic started -- our backyard. These spring nights have been just perfect. Low humidity, lots of sun, cool breeze, no pollen, no bugs. I mean... right?? We had to have dinner outside on Sunday,  because I couldn't be kept away from that weather. (Chicken fajitas, yum.) And we played more frisbee and then the kids trampolined some more while I sat, enjoying their giggles and the breeze. I called Mom and Dad.

Other little things making me happy:

• We bought outdoor pillows for the front porch bench and chairs and they're a lovely little touch I didn't realize we needed. I love them (red, of course).
• While we still haven't extended the back porch or fixed the fence, I think our backyard is looking great and inviting, thanks mostly to Shawn's hard work (with Alex's help) to plant some azaleas and lillies, and lay a brick border. And my firepit. :) All that it needs are four $20 chairs from Target.
• Monday, today, I have been able to hold onto this Filled-Up-With-Sunshine-&-Family-Time feeling. I've really really worked at staying filled up (still am). Not letting the office burst my bubble, no sir!
• One funny thing: I managed to do some yoga last night before the kids went to bed. However, while I was trying my new pose (Fish pose - not too hard, surprisingly, but in fact I AM rightly sore from it this afternoon)... in the living room next to me were three different soundtracks: Shawn's video game - gunshots mostly, rapid-fire; Kate's YouTube video - no headphones so I could hear the guy's British accent distinctly; and Alex's YouTube video he was watching -- same British YouTube gamer guy, different episode, also no headphones. I was trying to find my zen inside my head. [[big eyes of wonderment]]

Empty and blah

My tank is just EMPTY for work today. I am so over it. I know, I know, I say that all the time. I've actually been getting things done pretty well here lately -- digging deep and making progress on my big projects, and checking things off the list. But not today. I drafted something online and somehow hit the wrong key and it all disappeared, and there was no CTRL-Z UNDO to save me. So deflating. I just gave up after that, and it was only about 2:15.

The latest news is that we're moving our office. Only some of us. Only "sales and marketing." And they're planning to move us to midtown Atlanta. Which ISN'T GONNA WORK FOR ME and they know it. At least, I think they know it. I have done the hour-each-way commute before and I do not want to go back to that. I'm old enough to know better. My manager was very quick to try and laugh it off when the move was unceremoniously announced 2 weeks ago, and to assure me there would be flex-time options. I'll believe it when I see it, and yeah that would be great, but more than that I pray I won't be around to see it. In the meantime, though, before August, we're also supposed to squeeze into half the office space we're currently using. (Of course, my managers don't have to move. Very conveniently, they've managed to keep THEIR offices in the new floorplan, isn't that interesting?) But the marketing peons, myself and the graphic designer? We're being added to a block of cubicles with Accounting/Collections and next to Customer Service. Who are all on the phone 8 hours a day. Perfect for creative work, right? headdesk headdesk FML, get me my headphones and killmenow.

Besides all that, and this gets into some of the nitty-gritty of marketing (or at least marketing at our dumb company), but we're trying to roll out a New Brand Strategy and it's not easy. I was given this title of "Content Specialist," you know, but we're still trying to define the role. Last I heard, it means I'm going to have to work MORE closely with the Manager I dislike. I'm going to have to COME UP WITH the story ideas, plan them all out, including content for all the different "channels" like social media, articles online, brochures, newsletters, whatever... Oh, and also write it. All of it (the global English version). Oh, and if someone asks for a webinar on X subject? I probably will have to write -- or at least edit -- that, too, ensuring that it's in our New Brand Voice. President needs to send a letter to our customers? Welp, there's no Executive Assistant so Lee is tasked with that too. Customer Service needs a new script in the New Brand Voice? Where's Lee. She should do that.

I've already been getting bogged down in the details of the "Brand Voice." There are rules and intricacies, so even when I'm just trying to write a 25-character sub-headline, I can't just write it. It's like working a damn jigsaw puzzle to get every word exactly right. And then someone gets to veto it, if she feels like it. 

It's just too much, all the time, with no hope of ever having help (because budget - we still aren't making our sales numbers. I don't think we ever have, in all the years I've been here). Losing game, truly.

I'm sorry, I have been consciously trying not to feed my own negativity machine by writing about this here. I have done some real soul-searching about what's important to me, and really finding that I CAN focus just on those things, if I try. I've been having a better attitude, I promise. And I DO want to write about this past weekend, and our FAMILY busy-ness (=what's important to me), and moments of joy and Kate being sweet and Alex being sweet and growing up, and mine and Shawn's 15th anniversary. THAT life is perfect and full and wonderful.

But some days, I have to get it out of my head, about this job. I don't share it at home for a variety of reasons, and I don't share it with IRL friends because, I don't know, I don't want to be the one who's always complaining about her job. (So you're stuck reading it.)

Today I had a tiny idea, the briefest moment of inspiration, about what I MIGHT like to be writing - what I could give the world. It would cost me $8 to buy a domain name, and I might do that, just to see and make one small step toward DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT. But meanwhile I do have to help put food on the table, and I'd rather stop doing that by being miserable here.

Schreiben

I've been writing in a little European booklet that was given to me by a coworker who'd been to Germany. It says, at the top, Schreiben ist nur eine Art des Sprechens, bei der man nicht unterbrochen wird." Which means, I think: Writing is just the art of speaking, without being interrupted.

Amen. Interruptions are for the birds. So I have been starting my workday mornings there, with bulleted gratitude and pleasantness. Counting blessings, without being interrupted. I start MY day -- my day belongs to ME, I've discovered, not to Am03na (or any other office), even as difficult as that sometimes is to believe. It's MY day, to begin with gratitude and whatever (coffee, stretching, meditation/prayer sometimes) makes it a GOOD day for me. It took me 41.5 years to learn this.

I haven't been writing much here, as a result. Something about that book feels a tiny bit more sacred to me. Maybe it's because the lights in the office aren't turned on yet, usually, when I write there. All's quiet so it feels more like mine.

The best thing I'm learning lately is that everything is so, so good -- that my life is the awesome big things, Family, Faith, HOME, peace, hope, and not the dumb little things like the workday to-do list or the associated drama. Sure, I have to DO those things, and function alongside them, but they're not my calling. Some big stuff. I've known it, but not been able to tap into it on a daily basis, because it takes work, to keep truth at the forefront of your mind. Especially today with falsehoods and untruths (and drama) coming at us from all directions in the palms of our hands and the Tweets of our feeds. But also because Jobs like to be loud and distracting, and if we don't fight against them, they'll dictate our lives. I'm fighting against that and thankful mine is a job that stays put in its box, in the office, after I leave. I pray never to have a job that WON'T stay in its box.

However, last Friday I had a small taste of what it might be like to work for myself as a freelance writer, at home. MAN, it was nice. I had some work to do -- I had played hooky from work, actually, much to my conscience's dismay -- so I did 30 full minutes of yoga and a lonnnnng savasana (because of the conscience, I was trying to calm myself down), then I sat down to work for an hour or so. I wrote and edited. I turned off the computer. Then I left the house with a bunch of errands to complete before spending the afternoon at school, volunteering until 5:00pm. And YEP, that is definitely how I would like to spend my days if I could. I love being at school, I've discovered, and would like to find more ways to be there, more often.

Post-Break: Feeling Relaxed, Planning Dinners

It's my first day back to work after Spring Break 2016, and it's nearly noon, so I'm just finishing my "Ease Back In" program, which consists of reading my emails, then reading my blogs and goofing around a bit while also checking various things like the company Facebook page and my calendars/to-do lists. I figure half a day is a good time limit, and allows me some hours to remember what it's like to sit here all day 5 days a week.

And to write down my FEELINGS about it. ;) Thusly:

I do really need a refresher, honestly, about work, because I took the week OFF. And I do mean, off, from ANY and ALL responsibilities. I didn't cook much, I didn't clean much, I didn't ever ONCE sit down at the computer or look at a Google calendar, and I certainly let go of my work stuff for the week. It was nice. I needed a break. I'm unsure if the kids really had fun, but they say they did. I felt a little social-media-inspired guilt, seeing everyone away at this or that beach, or London or California or a Caribbean cruise, like some of our acquaintances. WTH, everyone? Does no one value the STAYCATION? I do. I valued it a lot. Like I said, we didn't make a lot of plans. We hiked the mountain and picnicked, which has become our Spring Break Staycation Tradition (I didn't even feel sore the next day, I'll have you know), and we ordered Chinese food one night and played Table Tennis and 100-pin bowling on the Wii, which was fun. We saw a movie (Zootopia, CUTE), Kate had a long playdate, Alex went to a sleepover, and that's really about it. The kids stayed up 'til about 10 every night, as they are doing lately on the weekends, but that was fine I suppose. We used the excuse of "Daddy has to work tomorrow" to send them to bed at 10. It was too bad he didn't have the week off like the rest of us, but having that limit was a good thing.

I slept "in" every morning until about 7:30 -- Kate until about 8:00 (Alex still woke up early as is his norm). I read two whole books, both awesome. (Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain, and then Falling Angels by Tracy Chevalier.) We had a few lunches out (Subway, McDonald's) and several of leftovers or sandwiches. We got ice cream one afternoon. I went out for Mexican food and margaritas with some mom friends. We just took it easy. I had joked with a coworker that I was going to nap every day; unfortunately, that didn't quite happen, but still, the days felt luxuriously lazy.

I'm so grateful that I had enough vacation days this year to cover the week. I'm so grateful my kids were okay with doing basically nothing. I'm so sad it's over. But, sigh. It's time to come back to the real world, and be engaged and Do Things. ;)

I'm trying to rev back up to "normal routine" standards. Getting a cold late last week didn't help for motivation but I'm feeling better today than I did Friday/Saturday. Made a big list at work this morning. LOTS of big tasks that need breaking up into smaller tasks, this afternoon. Checked the family G-cal today and remembered a couple of events, like I'm responsible for snack for the Girl Scouts this Wednesday, whoops! Shawn has to chaperone a Drama Club rehearsal, AND take the kids to their dentist appointments this afternoon! Teamwork, it's how we roll.

AND I tried to put together a decent dinner menu for the week. I said over on Lagliv.blogspot.com, that I've been wholly uninspired lately, and really, really bored with trying to come up with dinners every night. Her blog is full of suggestions, so I'm excited to think about and plan a few new things. First, my menus for this week:

S - (last night) Maple-glazed salmon, buttered broccoli and wild rice [SO YUM. Everyone ate it, no leftovers.]
M - Pizza Casserole with sausage and pepperoni (if I can get it done quickly when we get home tonight), garlic toast
T - Frozen chicken tenders w/BBQ sauce, mashed potatoes and corn, and Stouffers Harvest apples
W - Burgers and tater tots! Everyone's favorite!
Th - "Whatever" night -- with gymnastics at 6:30 and then me leaving for choir, I do Spaghetti-Ohs or corn dogs or mac and cheese for the kids usually, and Shawn heats up a bachelorhood-nostalgia favorite like SOS or Salisbury Steak when he gets home. Lame, but it's working for us for now.
F - (Shake n Bake) Crispy Baked Chicken Breasts, green beans and maybe salad, crescent rolls

Bookmarking some of the things I think look interesting that LL has mentioned (she's a working mom slash weekday dinner inspiration!):
http://tastykitchen.com/recipes/soups/cheeseburger-soup/
http://www.thegardengrazer.com/2012/03/black-bean-spinach-enchiladas.html
http://allrecipes.com/recipe/13983/mexican-vegetable-rice/

Summer Schedule 2016

No more daycare camp for us! We shall have, I declare, an easy, breezy, FUN summer, thanks to the commitment of our dear, darling babysitter, Carli.

I love Carli. For $9/hour plus some gas money and meals, she's going to (I hope) be a game-changer.

Thankfully, the kids love her, too. I had my camp-panic a few weeks ago, and then I got busy. Without further ado, here's what the kids' summer looks like so far.

May 30-June 3 -- Memorial Day week, so we'll have Monday off, of course, but then T-F will be spent at home, and/or at the pool, with Carli at the helm. I'm hoping for 8 am to 5 pm. Still need to talk with Shawn (and he with his boss) about his and my schedules -- would be nice for me to leave by 7am so I can come home by 4:30pm, but that might mean Shawn needs to be home until 8am, which would be weird for him, I bet.

Jun 6-10 -- Kate will be at Winshape for the first time! Sleepaway camp! My baby. Say a prayer -- she wants to go -- is excited to go -- but is also a little nervous since Alex decided NOT to go. Still... if Alex could handle it, shy and reserved as he is, then surely strong-willed Kate can, too. This first week, I'm hoping I can convince Alex to do a swimming camp at the YMCA in the mornings.

Jun 13-17 -- Winshape week 2! I don't have anything planned for Alex but maybe that's okay. As long as he doesn't watch YouTube videos 8 hours a day, I'm cool. (Perhaps I will increase the Family Summer Reading Project from 4 books to 6 or 8, however.)

Jun 20-24 -- Beach Vacation. We already know how I feel about that!

Jun 27-July 1 -- This is a week I'm unsure about, but might include a mornings-only camp at the kids' gymnastics school. It's easy and Kate loved it last year. Alex might not be totally enthused, but it's air conditioned and has a trampoline and a foam pit - how could he complain?

Jul 4-8 -- Might be a "regular" Carli week. She's offered to take the kids to her pool (her parents' neighborhood?), and I've said she can use our pool, so I think we're covered. I say they go every day for a couple of hours. Why not?

Jul 11-15 -- Maybe to Savannah, maybe to Pensacola?

July 18-22 -- Alex's week at Boy Scout Camp in North Carolina. Kate is signed up, thanks to the excellent planning of another mom-friend, at Art Camp all day with her buddy, Siena. I think it's drawing/art in the mornings, and musical theater (squee!) in the afternoons.

Jul 25-29 -- Alex will have Video Game design class at the same Art Camp in the afternoons, 1:30 - 4:30. Kate will hang out with Carli and do some Summer reading of her own, I hope.

Aug 1-5 -- Maybe to Savannah, maybe to Pensacola?


So, still a few holes, but it's starting to shape up very nicely, I think.

I live for weekends, really

Here is a boring start to a blog post: Had a nice weekend. It didn't really feel like 3 days (I took Friday off for one of the school's random "no school" days), since Saturday was a wash, spent at the Archdiocesan middle school Honor Band/Chorus Festival with Alex, but that was fun in its own way (more below). Friday was great and Sunday was... normal, with some good afternoon cooking/baking, which I haven't gotten to do in WEEKS.

So, Friday dawned (but I didn't dawn with it, until I wanted to, which was about 7:30) bright and sunny. Temps have been in the 70s for several days now, almost a little TOO warm, but still - warm! The first thing Kate wanted to do was make a list of the things we needed to do that day (a girl after my own heart)! So while we ate breakfast, she wrote:
-Homework (Alex) and Cougar Mall poster
-clean out draws (drawers)
-Staples for new crayons
-Kohl's - summer clothes for WinShape
-trampoline
-make dinner

Pretty cute. She dreamed up that she "needed" new crayons late on Thursday - maybe even as she was falling asleep - but I'm pretty much a sucker for new crayons so I let her. We found a box of 120 colors for $7.50. I wish it was mine. ;) Anyway, we got the homework done first, then moved on to cleaning out the clothes drawers. Both kids needed a BIG purge of old/too small/winter stuff, so I was going back and forth from bedroom to bedroom while the two of them tried on and then tossed on the floor. We have TON of clothes ready to give away (or sell - I'm trying to decide if I want to post them on the local Facebook sale page). I was surprised that we got finished by about 11, which was exactly my goal. Off to shop!

Great deals at Kohl's for both of them; we realized that Kate needed longer, looser shorts for her first time at WinShape (sleepaway camp) this year. They have a good-Christian-girl dress code and her typical summer "uniform" of super-mini-skirts, tank tops and bike shorts, does not meet the standard. None of it. Heh. We found her some appropriate shorts and tees, (some from her hand-me-downs bins and some we bought), and of course a new pair of flip flops, just because. Alex has been growing, so he was in dire need of some new shorts and shirts, as well. I think he got 4 pairs of shorts, 4 new shirts, and new flip flops, too. I saved as much as I spent, according to the receipt, so that felt good. And just good to have them outfitted a bit. I feel like I never get to shop properly for their clothes - partly because they wear uniforms for school - so it made me feel like a Good Mom. ;)

And THEN: the KIDS chose Poblano's Mexican Grill for lunch! I had nothing to do with it! They saw it, we'd never been there, and they suggested it! WOOP! I am training them right, after all. It was yummy (but maybe not the highest quality Mexican food, as I didn't really feel well in the afternoon). I resisted the temptation to have a beer or margarita, but we did eat outside which is my 2nd favorite "out to eat" thing. 1. Mexican food, 2. Eating Outside. SO HAPPY.

When we got home, we jumped on the trampoline (mommy too, which was a mistake because my knee was sore all the next day, DUMB 42-year-old body), and then I napped while Kate read a book for 30 minutes and Alex played on his DS. YES, I NAPPED! That made it a perfect day off.

I have to tell you about Saturday, even though it's past time for me to get to WORK. Alex was chosen for the Archdiocesan Honor Band festival with several of his classmates. He's been playing clarinet this year and I'm SO EXCITED about it - moreso than he, probably. Lately he's really gotten better, helped by the fact that he has a better instrument. (He was using a donated one from the school, but it gave out, so we rented him a newer one.) Anyway, I want so much for him to enjoy playing, and this was an opportunity. It was all day, 8 to 5, and boy, did we feel it. I volunteered to chaperone. Met some nice moms from other Catholic schools nearby, and enjoyed listening to the kids with their guest clinician. It would have been great if it had been planned just a LITTLE better. As it was, the kids were kind-of stuck in the cafeteria ALL DAY, with very few breaks and almost NO time outdoors (and it was a lovely day, so that was a shame). They all said it was a "hard" day, and some of them said "boring." But they learned a lot, I think, and the concert at 4:00 pm on a real stage was a nice reward for their work.

When we got home after dinner I was WIPED OUT, even though I didn't do much. Moved some chairs around, maybe, but I was stationed at "first aid" so mostly I sat there. But the energy expenditure, I guess, made me really tired.

Our Sunday was the normal kind, minus one hour. The females of us were unreasonably grumpy for a bit. Me included. I'm apologizing here - there was no reason for it and I hated feeling it, but I did. Eh, it happens. We all survived, I suppose. Got through a game of Apples to Apples as a FAMILY. I like Daylight Savings, though. I especially like Sunday afternoons on Daylight Savings. They seem more relaxed, somehow. I spent some time in the kitchen and made tomato-basil soup, that 2-ingredient Angel Food/Pie Filling cake (that Shawn LOVED, wahoo!), and a weight watchers Whole Wheat Penne Pasta recipe that was delicious, I thought. Too bad I could only have one reasonable serving (Lent!).

That's my recap. I know Mom and Dad are having fun on a road trip (they're making retirement look awfully fun), and I have a lot of summer planning to do (upcoming post) this week and next. It's Time to Panic About Summer™!

Not my usual "On Working" (I promise)

Yesterday was such a productive day at work. I want to be even more enthusiastic than that, because I really felt strangely good about it, but "productive" is the basic gist. I don't know if it was just the deadlines and "past dues" that motivated me, or that my manager was out of the office -- I know both helped -- or that the weather was just so dreary and I didn't want to go out. But whatever it was, it worked. I sat down at my usual time, around 7:45, and I remember getting up a couple of times to use the restroom and grab my salad from the kitchen, but otherwise, when it was 4:30 and time to go, I felt like a) I'd just started AND b) I am the Master of Everything!

So weird.

I haven't been in that flow for so long. Writing lately has been a real slog, and all the other details - the spreadsheets, the forms, the emails, the "extra" "helping" tasks haven't been fun either. Yesterday all of it was do-able, and conquered. Of course today I've got nothing. I mean, I did come up with some "starter" content ideas for our next magazine issue, and with the collaboration of my team, we worked those ideas into some semblance of a pretty damn good issue.... but otherwise, nothing. ;)

I don't know -- when I write well for work, does that mean I'm doing what I'm SUPPOSED to be doing? Am I "called" to this? Or is it dumb luck, or am I just a good enough writer, who's been with the company long enough that I know their rules and what will make the superiors of the day happy? Hard to say.

My friend Judith, at church, thinks I should quit my job and launch a career as a singer. She means, singing for church weddings and giving voice lessons. She is convinced that all I need is a website (and adorably says her [no offense but 60-something-yr-old] husband can help me with that). (Thank you anyway.) I try to be polite. I've thought of that before, naturally, as something that would be pretty fun to do -- except that I'd end up working on Saturdays, and guess what? Kids are OUT of school on Saturdays. Not ideal. Yes, I'd be more available to volunteer at school on weekdays, and would be available to drive them to and from school at the appointed times, no Aftercare, but it still just doesn't wash. I'd have to spend a year first, learning how to play the piano again. (Dummy, should never have quit.) And even if I did a wedding every weekend, that's only about $800 a month. And even if I supplemented that with lessons, let's see... $25/hour, probably I could only do 2 lessons every weekday.... (because my own kids have lessons and stuff to attend...) carry the 2.... it's still only half of what I bring home now, never mind taxes. I am grateful to her for wanting me to be happier with my work. She says she's been praying for me. I'll have to tell her about this week's excellent writing experience -- maybe her prayers (and mine) were answered in a different way. She always sees me at Thursday night rehearsals, when I am near the end of my weekly rope of "getting it all done." She should know that it's sometimes really GOOD.

Monday in the gratitude notebook

> Was so grateful for some space to breathe this weekend. Easy errands, time to "stop by" a store to get a few things just because I happened to be nearby, and by myself. Time alone to watch a movie Saturday night while Kate and Shawn were at their Father-Daughter dance, and Alex was occupied with Brandon. A leisurely brunch together on Sunday, extra time in the afternoon to meet up with the Girl Scout leader to correct a cookie mix-up... it was so relaxing, even though things got done.

> An auspicious start this morning. Alex's juice exploded all over him! But we were fine -- Kate had had a good morning (slow, but not whiny), so we were in a capable frame of mind and got it cleaned up, he got changed, he had another clean uniform available, I used Spray and Wash to soak it all day, and I still got to work well before anyone else.

> Cookies are all delivered! (On to Round 2...)

> Finally, I figured out what I can "give up for Lent" that's both spiritually enriching and physically challenging. (I know it isn't required, but you know, it's habit. Plus if the kids ask me I need to have an answer for them, especially if I'm going to be so bold as to remind them of what they've given up!) No second helpings at meals. One plate is enough. Think of those who are happy to just have one serving of food. Maybe donate to Food for the Poor.

> Loved last night that the new tune for "Lamb of God" was stuck in both Kate's and my heads. She sang it in her shower. A prayer - like it was being said FOR us, and despite us -- poured into us, over and over. (Last night we didn't have any fussing, so it was as if the prayer had already worked.) Have mercy on us. Grant us peace.


Addendum: Trying like heck to remain open and focused this Monday morning at work. I give myself a little slack - Mondays are hard. A few difficult emails and conversations have already happened, but it's okay. Step back, make a list, do good work. Do not worry over the insignificant details.

Kate Turned Eight

We had the loveliest long weekend last week, including a visit from the grandparents. :) They arrived on Thursday, while Alex and I were at the Middle School Dance. In fact, their timing was just perfect; I had just walked downstairs to fetch Kate from Aftercare when I got the text saying, "We're here!" So she and I walked up just a little ways and met them outside the dance. By the time we got into the building, the DJ had dismissed the middle-schoolers, and cleanup had just begun. (Thanks for helping with cleanup, Mom and Dad!) Fifteen minutes later, we were done (amazing), and headed to Bahama Breeze to eat our first of many delicious meals together. Then I went to choir. A whirlwind of a day!

On Friday, I went to work and the g'parents babysat. I think they even had a good time. Kate insisted on a trip to Target, and Grandmommy couldn't resist her. Alex and Papa Joe kept busy with grocery runs and books and game systems, I guess. Kate Facetimed me twice while I was at work, which was cute. I like being asked, "Whennnnn are you coming hommmmme?" It makes me feel loved. I did come home, to crock pot Loaded Potato Soup, which is surprisingly delicious even without the bacon (no-meat Lenten Friday). I can't remember what we did that night but it's possible we played Apples to Apples Junior and had a few laughs.

On Saturday, we had to get up early to get the kids to a gymnastics make-up class at 9:00 am. It was kind-of a bummer all the way around (class was chaotic, folding chairs were cold, Mom and I were bored), but we got it on the books and therefore my pre-paid money did not go entirely to waste. And the rest of the day was spent watching Shawn and Papa Joe put together the NEW TRAMPOLINE! Wheeeee! Kate's first birthday present was the biggest, and the biggest hit. Obviously she loves it, and Alex loves it, and I love it, and if it would stop raining, we would be on it every afternoon after school. We, meaning all three of us! On my big brainstorm about things I ENJOY, one of the things I wrote down was 'jumping on a trampoline and doing back handsprings.'

That night's dinner was at Huey Luey's, our new fave Mexican place, with a Valentine's special price for a pitcher of smoooooth top-shelf margaritas. Yes, please! Super fun. I think we watched the horrible GOP debate when we got home, and went to bed pretty much at a decent hour (well, the grown-ups did... the kids' bedtimes are getting increasingly late on the weekends, and this is somewhat bothersome but (usually) not terrible).

On Sunday morning, I was privileged to sing a solo in William Byrd's Teach Me, O Lord. Byrd is one of my all-time favorites, and if I were only allowed to sing his songs for the rest of my life, I wouldn't be sad about it. I love the ancient sound. Despite having had a sore throat from Thursday through Sunday morning, I pulled it off without a hitch and got so many compliments my head blew up like a balloon and exploded. And then we treated ourselves to Dunkin' Doughnuts! ;)

I feel like I'm detailing too much, here, but it was all just so lovely, I want to remember the details. Sunday afternoon entailed more JUMPING outside, even though it was kinda cold, a brief visit from Andy and Peyton, grocery shopping with Mom (an activity we always used to share) and Oh yeah, it was Valentine's Day! Shawn had asked Mom and Dad way ahead of time if they would babysit so we could have dinner out, just the two of us. So sweet! Date night! So they ordered pizza and watched movies, and we went to an Italian place and had dinner at the bar. A+! I love having dinner at the bar, actually. It's cozier, to me. It was perfect. Last week's Downton Abbey on the DVR afterwards was an excellent addition to a delightful evening. So happy!

And then, of course, was Monday (I was so happy to have taken the day off), Kate's birthday. EIGHT. How is this even possible?? My little baby! I keep finding it hard to believe. She was so cute and sweet all day. She loved her presents -- a new purse from Justice, some lip gloss and nail polish, and a hippie sweater, all from Mom. A charm locket necklace from me, and a set of Jersey sheets of her very own. ;) A zebra striped sleeping bag from Gammy (it's SO Kate). We went to Total Wine. Maybe not the right place for kids, but they had fun enough, and us parents sure do like that store. More jumping/playing/watching TV/napping in the afternoon...and her dinner choice was Volcano, the hibachi steakhouse down the street. What fun. She was serenaded with the big Asian drums, ate her favorite, shrimp, and felt like queen of the world, I hope. Cake came afterwards, at home, where again, the pictures tell me she's all grown up but I simply can't fathom! Eight!

Full, rich life

Several tidbits about what's been going on (nothing major, just the regular stuff!):

Took a brisk 10-minute walk yesterday at 2pm, which helped wake me up. Am trying to do this anyway, as many days as possible, but especially yesterday because I was sleepy. We were all sleepy, actually, due to the Super Bowl festivities Sunday night. It was so great that Peyton Manning won. I mean, even though everyone knows it wasn't HE who won it, but his team's Defense... still, I hope he retires on top and never has a single regret.

Went to Costco yesterday, too, in the 11:00 hour. I still have post-traumatic something, leftover from that year I bought snacks for the school and had to go to Costco at least once a week... which is to say, I do not enjoy Costco, despite its tempting, enormous boxes of granola bars and pretty great prices on Capri Suns. But I've re-upped my $55 membership (to buy stuff for a different school committee, haha!), so I will have to learn to at least tolerate it, in order to justify the card. I have made a note that Monday 11ish is not a bad time to visit (but NEVER on weekends. NEVER AGAIN).

Alex's piano teacher has resigned, so we may not have a lesson this week. It's just as well, and so rare that we get to go straight home and stay there, on a weeknight! We're looking for another teacher. Meanwhile, maybe he'll actually practice his clarinet (Band / school) while he has a bit of a break?? I can hope. The only thing he fully commits to is his digital life. A topic for another day.

Thursday is the next Middle School Dance (saying prayers for Alex's pre-teen self to enjoy, be brave, and be protected from nonsense)... and my parents' next visit to our house! I love having them visit, and this time I even took a Monday off while they're here! We decided on a trampoline for Kate's birthday present. She wanted an American Girl doll at one point, but I have seen her play dolls exactly two times in my life. (I think it's partly due to having a brother and never having girls her age in the neighborhoods to play with her.)

Thursday is also a choir practice I can't skip at 7:00, so it's is going to be go-go-go from wakeup to bedtime.

But that's okay.

I've been thinking about my enjoyment of things lately. I have spent the last couple of (5?) years learning to be grateful for the little things (and the big things), to make sure I know what a good, good life it is. I've tried to pray, to learn the simplest of 5-minute meditation, to appreciate, to "be present." Those things are not always easy, but I try. You should see the number of places I count my blessings, besides here on the blog. In the back of my work "to-do" list notebook I'll write down two or three things; in a separate journal/notebook I got as a gift from a co-worker; on the Happier app...and yet I still manage to not always enjoy my days. I had this revelation recently and wondered WHY??

Partly it's the rush, and the busy culture we live in, where we have to Do, Do, Do and can't just Be. I mean, what would it actually be like to wake up, have coffee and breakfast at whatever leisurely pace I chose, then stand at my window and think, "Hmm, what do I want to do today?" Does anyone have that luxury nowadays? It doesn't feel like it.

One thing I believe is that perfect happiness every day is a myth. People are created to have different moods, after all. I am allowed. You are. Despite pop-psych culture demanding that we "find our bliss" and all that, it's okay to only be "meh" sometimes. Work is work, it isn't meant to be a super-fun partytime hour. "Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life...?" I think it's a crock. Work is work.

But I've decided that "be present," which is the advice you find all over the Internet and in the current books, doesn't speak to me. "Be happy" -- even "choose to be happy" -- doesn't quite spur me to action. "Enjoy this" speaks to me. I've been trying to direct myself - to remind myself - to enjoy this, whatever it is that I'm doing. I think this is working the best so far.

Recently I read this, too, and I like it:

"Life is happening right now, in this moment. Today is the only day that matters. Anchor yourself in the now and give it your all. Notice the details and drink in the sweetness. Be present."

Drink in the sweetness. That's a good one.

Cleanup!

It is surprising how much better I feel after cleaning and re-organizing my desk this week. I'm not finished; there are still areas that could use improvement, but with a revamped filing process -- I don't think I had actually filed anything in more than 2 years, just created piles and relied on my Documents folder and Inbox -- and a drawer where things have compartments, it's a whole new world in the cube. I mean, don't get me wrong, I wasn't exactly PigPen of the Office, but now

• I can reach the papers I need, but they're not just laying there in plain sight. 
• Projects have folders. 
• Timelines and Plans are printed out, in color, for reference.
• Binder clips fit inside a box.
• Brochures I never look at are filed or relegated to the back.
• Promos, little gifts and other crap that I'd kept for no good reason are out of my drawer and in the CIRCULAR FILE.

I had forgotten, at work, that it's okay and even important to take the time (it took me probably 2 hours total) to stay neat and organized. I guess I've wanted to appear like I'm working on an ASSIGNMENT. But working on how I work is just as critical.

I feel like this shouldn't be such a revelation, but there it is.

Happy Friday to me!

Retreating for an hour

Today I treated myself to an actual lunch hour. I had intended to go to school and do my volunteer job, and change the message on the outdoor signs, but realized the message that's up now will still be accurate through the end of the week...so, eh. They don't pay me enough (anything) to merit doing it when I don't feel like it and don't have to.

I went to the used bookstore instead. Aside from the patchouli incense they were burning up front in the store, which made me want to gag, and aside from it being so dang dark in there, I can't read the book spines (!! OLD EYES), it was a good choice for a lunch outing. Bought a $4 paperback (by Tracy Chevalier, a favorite). Dawdled over the entire Mitford series but decided I didn't need to buy them (or, if I'm going to re-buy them for myself, I'll buy a nice NEW boxed set). Still, was fun to re-read a few lines about Father Tim and Cynthia.

Next door is a Starbucks, and since my coffee from home was just not quite right this morning, AND I didn't sleep well last night, that worked out perfectly. Perhaps a warm Mocha on a Monday afternoon will be just the thing.

So far? Pretty nice day. :)

Better

Just want to let all my 3 readers know that things did get better. Tuesday was weird, for sure. But after I wrote my post, I got up and walked to an empty conference room where I stood in the window for a few minutes and adjusted the blinds to let the sun in. I looked up "yoga poses for calm" or something like that, and was advised to do forward bends, so I did. I drank some water. When I got back to my desk, I dug in to the project that was most vexing from my morning Inbox. I finished it. That is what finally calmed my breathing and my nervous tummy.

And the rest of the day was good. A frozen meal from Bird's Eye made Tuesday night's dinner easy, and everyone ate some of it. Piano lessons for Alex got cancelled that night and that eased the evening still more. Kate was determined to be the first kid dressed and downstairs on Wednesday morning - what inspired her, I don't know, but I'll take it. Ordinary days = gift.

And today is good. For starters, it's Shawn's birthday. I love that guy. :) This morning in meditation (please understand, by "in meditation" I only mean "while driving to work, sometimes I leave the radio off and let my mind wander") I was reminded of the fact that all I ever wanted was to be, when I was a kid, was a wife and mommy, and maybe an editor. And I get to do all those things every day. (Sometimes I also wanted to be a teacher, and still do (want summers off and want to teach English and literature), until I think about grading papers and being with kids all day long). Anyway, I'm better for today, and it should be documented.

Keyed up

I can't figure out what's going on with me today. My insides are all knotted and tense, as if I were nervous about something, but there's really nothing to be nervous about.

It might have started this morning while sifting through my work Inbox... we were only away for MLK Day -- one day -- but my Inbox looked like I'd been gone a week. And some of the projects that I'm working on are very unclear, and due now! and unclear. So it could be that.

Another of the projects is a hurry-up! one that I meant to start last week, but there isn't a real deadline, so it's not like I'm behind, it just feels that way... so maybe that got me going.

I had an early meeting with some Europeans on my team. I love those ladies, but the early meetings (they're already in "afternoon" over there) are tough on me. I never have time enough to prepare and always feel disorganized. (Our whole project-tracking system feels disorganized to me, incidentally. I can never find things I'm looking for and there are double-tasks, unassigned tasks, it's a huge mess.)

At lunch, I had to go and re-test my car's Emissions... I had it tested last week (the first time I could get to it since 2016 started), but that was RIGHT after we'd had the catalytic converter replaced, so it didn't pass. Evidently when you have work done, the car's on-board computer has to reboot and re-set itself, and mine wasn't ready. So today, after driving it plenty more, crossing my fingers and holding my breath, I had it re-tested. While I was sitting there in the waiting area, I was literally praying to God to let it pass. Just because I don't need this little additional stress; I didn't see the point of the stress, not even to teach me a lesson about taking care of my car. I do take care of it. (Enough to drive it.) Anyway, it DID pass, and when I got in to drive back to work, I wanted my feeling of nervousness/tension to go away. I thought it would! I was sure that the test, as dumb as it was, had gotten me all worked up.

Apparently not, because I'm back at work and the feeling hasn't let up. I wouldn't have told you this morning that I was stressed. In fact, after yesterday's holiday and a morning with no arguing from Kate or forgetting anything on my way out the door, I would have told you I felt great! Totally calm. I did yoga this morning. I was gentle with myself.

But at the moment I'm still keyed up. Can't get a good breath. I'm trying to listen to my body/feelings, feel them, and even walk away and breathe, talk myself out of it.

So far it isn't working.

This week's blessings

The first week back hasn't been SO bad (but I wouldn't it order it off a menu of other options), I guess. We've made it out the door basically on time every day, the kids haven't had any homework angst, and work has been relatively stress-free. (Stupid, of course, but some of the stupid people have been tied up in meetings most of the week and therefore haven't had time to bother me. Except for once.)

Blessings, right?

It's all been leading up to today. My Dad's Australian cousins arrive this evening after dinnertime. I am thrilled to get to see Brett again, and meet his wife and family, neither of which he had, nor did I, when we met the first time in 1992, I believe it was. When we were in our 20s (late teens)! Naturally, Wednesday, I panicked and ran to Bed Bath and Beyond, to procure the Very Important Bathroom Details one needs (last-minute) when one is having guests. We never have decorated Alex's bathroom, which is also the guest bathroom, since moving in, back in 2014. We just hung up a shower curtain and called it good. Nothing on the neutrally painted walls. I looked at it Tuesday night and thought, "This looks like a sad, lazy person's apartment," and decided it Would Not Do. So I bought an over-the-toilet standing shelf and a framed print to hang on the wall. "Just remember, it's a boy's bathroom," Shawn admonished when I told him where I was. Ha! Nothing frilly, I promised. And lo, it looks so much better. Thankfully, the shelf was easy to assemble. I folded the towels just like they do on Pinterest, and added some existing knick-knacks and it looks like it was all meant to be. Hooray, bathroom!

Meanwhile, we rearranged the guest room/playroom, too, hung a picture on the wall in there (should have been done a year ago), and I made sure they had things that one needs in a guest room, like tissues, and bath towels neatly folded in a basket, and an extra blanket for the bed. I feel good about that room, too.

I'm not certain about what I'll serve for breakfast in the morning, but I do have a can of 8 cinnamon rolls, and enough eggs and orange juice to feed and water at least the kids, and even some turkey sausage, so I think we should be okay.

Tonight, however, is also the Middle School Dance -- and the one semi-formal of the year, at that. So I'll be running around this evening at school, making sure Alex is dressed up and ready, and Kate is happily sent home with her daddy, and the lemonade is mixed and the cookies placed on the tables. I love being on this committee with my two friends, but the events always seem to sneak up on us, no matter how early we start planning! Still, it should be fun.

Kate has had a hard time getting back into the school routine, i.e., going to bed on time and waking up happy. I don't know how to cure Persistent Sassy Attitude. I've tried to ignore, I've tried begging, I've tried charts, I've slammed doors and yelled. (Not proud of that last one.) She claims it's just part of her and she can't help or control it. I call bullshit and try to encourage her that YES, YOU CAN. Take a deep breath. Think before you speak. (Advice I need, myself). And then she says, "I'm not good, I'm just the worst, I'm not even nice," which is the same thing I think about myself. It's partly true, we aren't very nice to each other a lot of the time, but it all breaks my heart and exhausts me. Mostly breaks my heart. Do you know the cure for this?

Last night was NOT a good night for my car to decide it's not feeling well. Several dashboard lights came on. I took it to the dealership this morning and they still have it, so pray that they will be finished with it by three p.m. at the latest, so we can manage all the rest of this darling, darling happy life.

Thank God for Shawn, who helped me load up the things I need for the dance, and helped me decorate the bathroom on Wednesday, and helped me diagnose my car last night, and will Windex the 2 bathroom mirrors, and will help me retrieve my car and the kids this afternoon.

Thank God for Shan, who picked me up at the dealership this morning and bought me Starbucks.

Thank God for Jill, who texted me last night to ask, "How are you?" just when I needed a vent and a virtual hug.

Thank God for Ashley and Susan, who will make me smile this afternoon while we watch our big (so big!) kids dance the night away.


I do plan to collapse on Sunday afternoon.

The Review

Year-end! Time to review. Not to dwell on anything, just to acknowledge, and accept, and get ready to welcome a new, blank slate. I didn't do the whole meme last year or the year before, and while I'm sort-of glad, I sort-of missed it, too. Some of the questions are good writing prompts, so here are the ones I want to answer.

--Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

My 2015 wishes, besides remembering that God is good and I am loved? To read a little more. To pray a little more. To plan a few more fun family things. To walk, run and stretch a little more. To take more time off. To find more meaning in my work, somehow. To be who I am.

I did read more! And I kept track of what I read via Pinterest, which is fun. It's showing 19 books for 2015, and I've started the 20th, which is Moby Dick, which I've never read! I like it so far. I'm reading it because I want to re-read Ahab's Wife in 2016. I also prayed more, I think, although that can always use more improvement. Fun family things...? Well, we're working on it. We didn't take any grand trips like we still want to, but I did take the kids away for Spring Break, which was fun. I succeeded in stretching a little more - but just a little - and walked, but again, just a little. I love my little midday walks at work. 10 minutes or so, outside. And yoga in the morning here. Good for the soul. I did take more time off, if just by virtue of the fact I had more to take (work anniversary earned me another week). Did I find more meaning in my work? No. It was a hard year for work. Maybe more on that later (maybe not). Being who I am? I definitely tried.

So: Good Job, Me! Resolutions were mostly successful! Happier, fatter, richer, overall. A Win.

More resolutions? Certainly. I like 'em. After the review.

--What did you do in 2015 that you’d never done before?

I had a crown put on one of my teeth! Haha! Don't recommend it. I'm still having a little bit of jaw pain even though I got a stupid, stupid night guard. (I haven't worn it every night as prescribed.) I sang solo (a wedding) in a beautiful big church without a microphone, like a real professional, with a symphony violinist! That was awesome. I drove 2 kids to Florida by myself. I hosted a slumber party with six- and seven-year-old girls OMG. Sent a kid off to middle school (we love middle school so far)! Then joined the Middle School Dance committee with my two best school-mom friends. I felt, and feel, totally secure in calling them best friends. I probably did some other new things, too. It's hard to remember everything! In all, it was a pretty great year. I am loved and have a family I adore.

--What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Tough one, because I feel like I'm not really in an "achieving" stage of my life (and the things I do at work don't really get touted as achievements, more on that later). Still, one thing I was proud of: Planning/managing a lot of different summer activities and camps for the kids. (Which it is nearly time to do, again, for 2016.)


--What was your biggest failure?

The kale chips I tried to make 2 days ago. Ha ha, not really, but they did turn out badly and smelled up the house. Too bad, I had high hopes for kale chips.

As always, I don't like to say "failure," because we're all, always, just doing the best we can. I try to be gentle with myself. But I've been monumentally unhappy at work, and have failed to do anything about it. Well, that's not fully true... I have tried "positive thinking" and "fake it 'til you make it" and sunshine-y, Oh, well, I can't complain, let's just laugh about how stupid this all is... and I did apply for one awesome-sounding job in June. I didn't get it, obviously - didn't even get called for an interview after what I thought was an excellent application (13 big essay questions, seriously). That somewhat deflated me. Haven't seen anything interesting since, that I think I'm qualified for, and fits my requirements (close to home or remote, minimal travel). My professional confidence has taken a major blow, not from that one application but from the past year's changes, where my job got whisked out from under me without my asking, communication got worse and worse again, I continually got dumped on (i.e., asked to "step in" where other people failed/left), and the leaders and personalities at my workplace continue to disappoint. I feel pretty damaged, actually. Unsure of myself, unsure what I want, unsure how to take the next step. I have tried not to talk about it so much in real life anymore, though I do come here and whine, for 2 reasons: one, it's negativity and I don't need that to be a major part of my days, and two, well, because I don't want to continue burdening others with it. I'll leave it at that for now.

--How did you spend Christmas?

We had a busy Christmas Eve, what with Kate singing at 4:00 in the Children's Choir and me singing at midnight with the adult choir! So we got to church at 2:45 and barely got a seat for 4:00 Mass, then went out to dinner at Bahama Breeze, which was nice and cozy on a rainy night. Christmas morning the kids woke us up at 6:30 and didn't even feel bad about it, and we did Santa (unwrapped). My one oops there was that I didn't have a single thing for Shawn's stocking. I'm sorry, honey! I got an outdoor fireplace! so exciting, and it was a giant present "under" our tree. Behind it, actually. Around 10 am, we were loaded up in the car to drive to Savannah. "To Grandmother's house we go!" We spent Friday night and Saturday there, enjoyed seeing 3-year-old Hailey, ate our turkey and ham, couldn't believe it was 79 degrees outside, and came home Sunday morning. Short and sweet. Shawn and I juggled days off this year but had enough to cover all the kids' vacation days.
 
--What were your favorite books of the year?

The Timebound/Chronos series, Wonder, and The Book Thief, for sure. Wonder, above all of those.

--What was your favorite music from this year?

It's fun listening to the kids' music. I liked Uptown Funk the most.

--What were your favorite films of the year?

Uh, DUH, Star Wars: The FORCE AWAKENS. Just saw it last night. I have so much to say about it. I started crying when "A long time ago...." appeared on the screen. Kids liked it, too. We also enjoyed Ant Man as a family, and I loved, loved, loved Cinderella (but that might have been 2014).

--What valuable life lesson did you learn in 2015?

Well. I learned, I guess, that things change all the time, and to just get used to it, and not be attached to the way things are. I learned to not be "precious" about anything I write. I love that. Posted it on my cubicle wall, I love/need it so much. I learned that everyone has a different perspective on the situation. I learned again that happiness and gentleness is a choice, and I can try every day to make it my story. (I still have so much to learn.)

-- And so, resolutions for 2016?

I have several. One, I obviously want to do something about work. It's going to have to be something risky I guess, or at least uncomfortable like using a headhunter or actually networking again, in person. I feel like that is going to take some courage-building, so it might not happen immediately, and I need to be OK with that. I feel fairly certain that others in my department will be doing the same, but that does not mean I need to be "first." I want to keep that perspective. Because of course, this job pays our bills and serves me well in a few areas, like being able to leave work at work, etc. I don't have to rush. It's just a job. But nothing will happen unless I MAKE IT happen.

Two, and Shawn and I have discussed, we're trying to lower the sugar/carb intake at our house. Kale chips and I may not have become fast friends, but I'm breaking up with Hershey's kisses and white bread. In an achievable, nothing is forbidden but be smarter, no-diet-diet kind of way. More veggies. Less sugar. The end.

Three, the goal is to fill up with love. Fill myself up, radiate it out. Not to be hippy-dippy, but I had a moment while doing yoga yesterday. ;) I nearly forgot, but I'd love to attend a weekly yoga class as a goal, too. Maybe. Saturday mornings?

But love. That's the main one. Amen and amen. Happy New Year. I'm planning a stop at Publix before going home, for cake (sugar's last hurrah), and chips, and maybe something festive like party hats. :)

Wait, it's December?

Christmastime is here! Whether we're ready for it or not, and surprise, surprise, I'm probably not! I saw a photo from October on my Facebook feed the other day, and I thought, wait, isn't it still October? Even though I know very well that all of November is already behind us (and some of December, even)! It's crazy, how time works -- how the days are long but the years are short. And I mean, I try to "just take one day at a time." You'd think that would make me extra-aware of what day/month/year it is. But, no.

Anyway, we have actually placed orders on Amazon Prime (Prime is the BEST), so at least we're not totally behind in the Santa Claus department. They're both definitely suspicious about S.C., and Alex may already be completely in the know, although he's not letting on. One of my friends says she tells her kid, "If you don't believe, you don't receive!" To me that's a little harsh, but I'm at the point where I kinda WANT them to figure it out. Partly so we get the THANK YOUS we deserve, heh, and partly so I can wink and waggle my eyebrows and talk about it in that fun, conspiratorial way.

I've not even thought about Christmas cards, but we did decorate...

I have to stop right here and one LAST time, "publicly" thank Shawn for all his hard work this past weekend. He had just told me Friday afternoon he was feeling his annual "anti-Christmas" feelings (don't we all?), and that I should be warned, and I was... but then I insisted anyway, that we were doing the tree and then HE was doing lights outside the house all weekend, plus raking/blowing leaves.... basically I said, "Christmas, here: Make It Happen" and he did. He worked ALL day Sunday, 9 to 9, save for the hour when I made him take me/us to brunch with Santa at the Country Club, and have a holiday mimosa with me, and LIKE IT.

So THANK YOU, Darling Husband, I love you so. This is just the way of the world, it seems, for husbands and wives. I think of our friends Jason and April, and I am certain she gives him her Instructions, and he is Expected to carry them out, and at least I'm not quite THAT brazen about it, I don't think.

The school Christmas program is already out of the way, Santa brunch, check, and so this weekend's activities include dinner out Friday night with our couple-friends Christina and Bobby, and the choir Christmas party Saturday night. I'm skipping choir on Sunday because I detest the song we're doing. Ha! I've never skipped for that reason, but I have done this song a zillion times with this choir and with another choir, and even though most people say it's SO BEAUTIFUL (Cantique de Jean Racine, by Faure), I still just hate it. The soprano has a few notes too low for comfort, (below "the break," as they say, which for me is lower than about A above middle C) and it's supposed to be sung in French, but we always sing it in English. Bleh. Actually, I don't even love it in French. It's boring to sing. Sorry, Faure. So, Sunday we can either go to the mall or wrap presents or do something FUN, after 9:00 Mass (or Saturday vigil). Lord knows Kate will demand we do SOMETHING FUN.

Oh, and I'm having my December cold right now, so hopefully that means it will be gone by Christmas Eve/Midnight Mass! Two winning years on that score, woo!

Sprechen Sie Deutsch?

I fell in love with German - the language - when, my sophomore year as a college chorister, we sang "Still, Still, Still" in our Festival of Nine Lessons and Carols. I LOVED that hymn, partly because it's a sweet lullaby for Baby Jesus, but also specifically because we sang all three verses in German. It was my first experience with the language, even though my Dad's ancestry is German, and close enough to his generation that his father, my Papa, still probably cursed in German. (I know there were a few phrases my Dad heard frequently - not curse words, but little things like "Salz und Pfeffer" and "heiß wie alles.")

Anyway, the German for Still, still, still is beautiful and I wanted to know more about it after that concert, so the very next semester I signed up for German 101. I was glad that several music-major friends had also signed up, since they frequently had to perform art songs in German. I felt like it was a perfect fit for me, since I was majoring in French already. A master of languages! Multi-talented! Multi-lingual! I would be a language superstar. Except... German is HARD. And very different from any romance language, as any student of languages knows. The instructor was not very patient or kind (we used to shrug and say, "Welp, she's very German!" but I know that we shouldn't stereotype anyone that way, and I have a lot of supremely kind German friends now), and that made it even harder.

So "101" was as far as my German education went, until I started working at my current job. Its global headquarters is located in Raubling, near Munich, and I do still love hearing the language on occassion. Like just now, the Chairman of the Board and CFO were just hanging around the copy room, right by my cubicle, chatting away. The (company) Germans visit our office pretty frequently, or we Skype with team members and overhear other conversations. I love it -- I still try to pick out words I think I remember. It makes me wish very much that I had stuck with it.

Pumpkin Spice Latte Day

Picture me with my red cup! Yummy.

It's Friday, 8:11 am and so far I'm still the only one in the office that I can tell. Did everyone take the day off and not tell me? No, my UK teammate just called me for a little chat. I learned that, on top of the confidential stuff happening here in the US, regarding which I've already been approached to "help cover responsibilities" (naturally) (again), our German teammate has just told us she has to have surgery on Dec. 4 and will likely be out until Janaury, so guess what? Can I "help cover responsibilities" for her, too?  WHY, SURE! This is so awesome!

I was remembering last year at my appraisal/review, and Ms. Meany-Pants boss told me one of the things I need to work on... hang on, let me dig out the sheet... ah, here it is... was being "Flexible." Let me read the delightful comment:

Score: 2/5 = Requires Development. While Lee is willing to pitch in when asked to, there are times when something is requested spontaneously and Lee's reaction seems a bit negative.... I do think that Lee has done a good job in adapting to so much change in the past year, but I would like to see her respond better to the changes in priority and the last minute pop up projects.

Hahahahaha! WELL. I think I've been PRETTY GOSH-DANG flexible, and I apologize in advance that I have not "developed" any further in that area but....it's because all the stupid crap is STILL HAPPENING. These idiots. They changed my job description without even telling me first. I WENT WITH IT. =flexible. And I actually don't think that I'm any more negative than anyone else, and if they say ANYTHING about it this year, I will be certain to throw names out. No one here is positive, because no decision ever makes sense, there is NO leadership -- and they continually DUMP on a few of us. They can't ding me for taking on the mood of the entire team, or for being A BIT NEGATIVE.

Sorry.

Didn't mean to get into all that. Incidentally, appraisals are due today, and no one has even bothered to mention mine (because my manager resigned, remember). Maybe I'll get out of it this year? Doubtful. But one can hope.

edited to add: my coworker in Germany is fine, I hear. I asked, I promise. I am concerned about her surgery, not just myself, despite how this reads.

Three days, including today, and then I will be on vacation. And even if it's busy with cooking and traveling and family gatherings, guess what? IT'S NOT HERE.

(I actually can't wait for the cooking and family gatherings. Love you, Mom and Dad -- see you soon!) 

Freebie

We had a power outage today at office building - an accident of some sort, so whole city blocks were without power. I was sent home to finish out the day on my laptop. Total gift and luxury to be able to work at home -- alone, with no kids to supervise / feel guilty about. I sat outside for the first hour and a half, writing an article and submitting it for approval.

After that I came inside and treated myself to a half-hour yoga session, just because I can. It was crappy -- Namaste TV, I think? hastily found on YouTube -- but full of breathing, (a little too fast for my taste), which I needed. I needed to "empty of everything" and fill it with breath. I was extremely frustrated by work yesterday evening, and once again flustered/flummoxed by Kate this morning. We're working on it. I'M working on it. (She doesn't want to work on it much.) But I was drained and needed that extra, quiet breath.

My "new" (old?) annoying manager resigned today. That's confidential. When I found out, I just laughed out loud. She was well on her way to being fired, anyway, as long as we're talking confidentially. Today at lunch we discussed how she uses several little tricks to make it seem like she's still in the office -- always leaves her computers on, lights on, even leaves a bag kind-of half open, near her desk, chair pushed back -- as if she's just gotten up for a coffee or a quick ladies' room visit -- but it'll be 3:30 pm and she'll just never come back. Her bosses and the important people had begun to notice. That among other things. But nope, she went ahead and resigned herself. One week notice. Hahahahahaha. I just can't even. This place is never devoid of something interesting or dramatic. I do wonder what in the hell will happen next.

My own workload seems to be full (I have to tell them frequently what is "my capacity" -- lately I've just been saying I'm at "max capacity" or above), because the idea of new assignments just sends me spinning. I can't even GET TO some of the existing assignments, or heaven forbid, come up with any NEW strategies or plans, just to be a leader / idea-bringer. Wouldn't that be nice? But it'll never happen. I feel so guilty sometimes, that my parents paid a big walloping college tuition bill for me to be still doing a low-on-the-totem-pole job (even though I do have a nice-sounding title). How did that happen? I did everything right, really -- the internships, the "paying of entry-level dues..." it's just that the companies I've landed at haven't had anywhere much for me to go. I mean, I'm writing now, at least there's that -- something I like and am good at, and have been doing consistently for a while, but I don't necessarily feel like an "expert" at it. [Well, especially not when they still feel the need to EDIT ME so much, when I AM supposed to be The Editor. Global Content Specialist, I mean, right? That sounds important, or like I would have THE authority over the writing at the company. But nope, I don't.]

Sometimes I wonder if I'll find THE THING late in life. Like, I'll finally be inspired to write a book (lately I've been thinking it would be about my interesting (?) 20+ years in a cubicle) when I'm in my fifties or something. And will sell it to a real publisher and do book tours and speaking engagements. Haha. Is that a wish/dream/hope? I don't know. Maybe. But will that story even be useful by the time I'm in my fifties?

Whew, all that fast breathing must have gotten to me. Stream of consciousness is not a bad thing, though. Gets the dust out of the corners sometimes.

Anyway, I am enjoying a somewhat free day. :)