Keyed up

I can't figure out what's going on with me today. My insides are all knotted and tense, as if I were nervous about something, but there's really nothing to be nervous about.

It might have started this morning while sifting through my work Inbox... we were only away for MLK Day -- one day -- but my Inbox looked like I'd been gone a week. And some of the projects that I'm working on are very unclear, and due now! and unclear. So it could be that.

Another of the projects is a hurry-up! one that I meant to start last week, but there isn't a real deadline, so it's not like I'm behind, it just feels that way... so maybe that got me going.

I had an early meeting with some Europeans on my team. I love those ladies, but the early meetings (they're already in "afternoon" over there) are tough on me. I never have time enough to prepare and always feel disorganized. (Our whole project-tracking system feels disorganized to me, incidentally. I can never find things I'm looking for and there are double-tasks, unassigned tasks, it's a huge mess.)

At lunch, I had to go and re-test my car's Emissions... I had it tested last week (the first time I could get to it since 2016 started), but that was RIGHT after we'd had the catalytic converter replaced, so it didn't pass. Evidently when you have work done, the car's on-board computer has to reboot and re-set itself, and mine wasn't ready. So today, after driving it plenty more, crossing my fingers and holding my breath, I had it re-tested. While I was sitting there in the waiting area, I was literally praying to God to let it pass. Just because I don't need this little additional stress; I didn't see the point of the stress, not even to teach me a lesson about taking care of my car. I do take care of it. (Enough to drive it.) Anyway, it DID pass, and when I got in to drive back to work, I wanted my feeling of nervousness/tension to go away. I thought it would! I was sure that the test, as dumb as it was, had gotten me all worked up.

Apparently not, because I'm back at work and the feeling hasn't let up. I wouldn't have told you this morning that I was stressed. In fact, after yesterday's holiday and a morning with no arguing from Kate or forgetting anything on my way out the door, I would have told you I felt great! Totally calm. I did yoga this morning. I was gentle with myself.

But at the moment I'm still keyed up. Can't get a good breath. I'm trying to listen to my body/feelings, feel them, and even walk away and breathe, talk myself out of it.

So far it isn't working.

This week's blessings

The first week back hasn't been SO bad (but I wouldn't it order it off a menu of other options), I guess. We've made it out the door basically on time every day, the kids haven't had any homework angst, and work has been relatively stress-free. (Stupid, of course, but some of the stupid people have been tied up in meetings most of the week and therefore haven't had time to bother me. Except for once.)

Blessings, right?

It's all been leading up to today. My Dad's Australian cousins arrive this evening after dinnertime. I am thrilled to get to see Brett again, and meet his wife and family, neither of which he had, nor did I, when we met the first time in 1992, I believe it was. When we were in our 20s (late teens)! Naturally, Wednesday, I panicked and ran to Bed Bath and Beyond, to procure the Very Important Bathroom Details one needs (last-minute) when one is having guests. We never have decorated Alex's bathroom, which is also the guest bathroom, since moving in, back in 2014. We just hung up a shower curtain and called it good. Nothing on the neutrally painted walls. I looked at it Tuesday night and thought, "This looks like a sad, lazy person's apartment," and decided it Would Not Do. So I bought an over-the-toilet standing shelf and a framed print to hang on the wall. "Just remember, it's a boy's bathroom," Shawn admonished when I told him where I was. Ha! Nothing frilly, I promised. And lo, it looks so much better. Thankfully, the shelf was easy to assemble. I folded the towels just like they do on Pinterest, and added some existing knick-knacks and it looks like it was all meant to be. Hooray, bathroom!

Meanwhile, we rearranged the guest room/playroom, too, hung a picture on the wall in there (should have been done a year ago), and I made sure they had things that one needs in a guest room, like tissues, and bath towels neatly folded in a basket, and an extra blanket for the bed. I feel good about that room, too.

I'm not certain about what I'll serve for breakfast in the morning, but I do have a can of 8 cinnamon rolls, and enough eggs and orange juice to feed and water at least the kids, and even some turkey sausage, so I think we should be okay.

Tonight, however, is also the Middle School Dance -- and the one semi-formal of the year, at that. So I'll be running around this evening at school, making sure Alex is dressed up and ready, and Kate is happily sent home with her daddy, and the lemonade is mixed and the cookies placed on the tables. I love being on this committee with my two friends, but the events always seem to sneak up on us, no matter how early we start planning! Still, it should be fun.

Kate has had a hard time getting back into the school routine, i.e., going to bed on time and waking up happy. I don't know how to cure Persistent Sassy Attitude. I've tried to ignore, I've tried begging, I've tried charts, I've slammed doors and yelled. (Not proud of that last one.) She claims it's just part of her and she can't help or control it. I call bullshit and try to encourage her that YES, YOU CAN. Take a deep breath. Think before you speak. (Advice I need, myself). And then she says, "I'm not good, I'm just the worst, I'm not even nice," which is the same thing I think about myself. It's partly true, we aren't very nice to each other a lot of the time, but it all breaks my heart and exhausts me. Mostly breaks my heart. Do you know the cure for this?

Last night was NOT a good night for my car to decide it's not feeling well. Several dashboard lights came on. I took it to the dealership this morning and they still have it, so pray that they will be finished with it by three p.m. at the latest, so we can manage all the rest of this darling, darling happy life.

Thank God for Shawn, who helped me load up the things I need for the dance, and helped me decorate the bathroom on Wednesday, and helped me diagnose my car last night, and will Windex the 2 bathroom mirrors, and will help me retrieve my car and the kids this afternoon.

Thank God for Shan, who picked me up at the dealership this morning and bought me Starbucks.

Thank God for Jill, who texted me last night to ask, "How are you?" just when I needed a vent and a virtual hug.

Thank God for Ashley and Susan, who will make me smile this afternoon while we watch our big (so big!) kids dance the night away.


I do plan to collapse on Sunday afternoon.

The Review

Year-end! Time to review. Not to dwell on anything, just to acknowledge, and accept, and get ready to welcome a new, blank slate. I didn't do the whole meme last year or the year before, and while I'm sort-of glad, I sort-of missed it, too. Some of the questions are good writing prompts, so here are the ones I want to answer.

--Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

My 2015 wishes, besides remembering that God is good and I am loved? To read a little more. To pray a little more. To plan a few more fun family things. To walk, run and stretch a little more. To take more time off. To find more meaning in my work, somehow. To be who I am.

I did read more! And I kept track of what I read via Pinterest, which is fun. It's showing 19 books for 2015, and I've started the 20th, which is Moby Dick, which I've never read! I like it so far. I'm reading it because I want to re-read Ahab's Wife in 2016. I also prayed more, I think, although that can always use more improvement. Fun family things...? Well, we're working on it. We didn't take any grand trips like we still want to, but I did take the kids away for Spring Break, which was fun. I succeeded in stretching a little more - but just a little - and walked, but again, just a little. I love my little midday walks at work. 10 minutes or so, outside. And yoga in the morning here. Good for the soul. I did take more time off, if just by virtue of the fact I had more to take (work anniversary earned me another week). Did I find more meaning in my work? No. It was a hard year for work. Maybe more on that later (maybe not). Being who I am? I definitely tried.

So: Good Job, Me! Resolutions were mostly successful! Happier, fatter, richer, overall. A Win.

More resolutions? Certainly. I like 'em. After the review.

--What did you do in 2015 that you’d never done before?

I had a crown put on one of my teeth! Haha! Don't recommend it. I'm still having a little bit of jaw pain even though I got a stupid, stupid night guard. (I haven't worn it every night as prescribed.) I sang solo (a wedding) in a beautiful big church without a microphone, like a real professional, with a symphony violinist! That was awesome. I drove 2 kids to Florida by myself. I hosted a slumber party with six- and seven-year-old girls OMG. Sent a kid off to middle school (we love middle school so far)! Then joined the Middle School Dance committee with my two best school-mom friends. I felt, and feel, totally secure in calling them best friends. I probably did some other new things, too. It's hard to remember everything! In all, it was a pretty great year. I am loved and have a family I adore.

--What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Tough one, because I feel like I'm not really in an "achieving" stage of my life (and the things I do at work don't really get touted as achievements, more on that later). Still, one thing I was proud of: Planning/managing a lot of different summer activities and camps for the kids. (Which it is nearly time to do, again, for 2016.)


--What was your biggest failure?

The kale chips I tried to make 2 days ago. Ha ha, not really, but they did turn out badly and smelled up the house. Too bad, I had high hopes for kale chips.

As always, I don't like to say "failure," because we're all, always, just doing the best we can. I try to be gentle with myself. But I've been monumentally unhappy at work, and have failed to do anything about it. Well, that's not fully true... I have tried "positive thinking" and "fake it 'til you make it" and sunshine-y, Oh, well, I can't complain, let's just laugh about how stupid this all is... and I did apply for one awesome-sounding job in June. I didn't get it, obviously - didn't even get called for an interview after what I thought was an excellent application (13 big essay questions, seriously). That somewhat deflated me. Haven't seen anything interesting since, that I think I'm qualified for, and fits my requirements (close to home or remote, minimal travel). My professional confidence has taken a major blow, not from that one application but from the past year's changes, where my job got whisked out from under me without my asking, communication got worse and worse again, I continually got dumped on (i.e., asked to "step in" where other people failed/left), and the leaders and personalities at my workplace continue to disappoint. I feel pretty damaged, actually. Unsure of myself, unsure what I want, unsure how to take the next step. I have tried not to talk about it so much in real life anymore, though I do come here and whine, for 2 reasons: one, it's negativity and I don't need that to be a major part of my days, and two, well, because I don't want to continue burdening others with it. I'll leave it at that for now.

--How did you spend Christmas?

We had a busy Christmas Eve, what with Kate singing at 4:00 in the Children's Choir and me singing at midnight with the adult choir! So we got to church at 2:45 and barely got a seat for 4:00 Mass, then went out to dinner at Bahama Breeze, which was nice and cozy on a rainy night. Christmas morning the kids woke us up at 6:30 and didn't even feel bad about it, and we did Santa (unwrapped). My one oops there was that I didn't have a single thing for Shawn's stocking. I'm sorry, honey! I got an outdoor fireplace! so exciting, and it was a giant present "under" our tree. Behind it, actually. Around 10 am, we were loaded up in the car to drive to Savannah. "To Grandmother's house we go!" We spent Friday night and Saturday there, enjoyed seeing 3-year-old Hailey, ate our turkey and ham, couldn't believe it was 79 degrees outside, and came home Sunday morning. Short and sweet. Shawn and I juggled days off this year but had enough to cover all the kids' vacation days.
 
--What were your favorite books of the year?

The Timebound/Chronos series, Wonder, and The Book Thief, for sure. Wonder, above all of those.

--What was your favorite music from this year?

It's fun listening to the kids' music. I liked Uptown Funk the most.

--What were your favorite films of the year?

Uh, DUH, Star Wars: The FORCE AWAKENS. Just saw it last night. I have so much to say about it. I started crying when "A long time ago...." appeared on the screen. Kids liked it, too. We also enjoyed Ant Man as a family, and I loved, loved, loved Cinderella (but that might have been 2014).

--What valuable life lesson did you learn in 2015?

Well. I learned, I guess, that things change all the time, and to just get used to it, and not be attached to the way things are. I learned to not be "precious" about anything I write. I love that. Posted it on my cubicle wall, I love/need it so much. I learned that everyone has a different perspective on the situation. I learned again that happiness and gentleness is a choice, and I can try every day to make it my story. (I still have so much to learn.)

-- And so, resolutions for 2016?

I have several. One, I obviously want to do something about work. It's going to have to be something risky I guess, or at least uncomfortable like using a headhunter or actually networking again, in person. I feel like that is going to take some courage-building, so it might not happen immediately, and I need to be OK with that. I feel fairly certain that others in my department will be doing the same, but that does not mean I need to be "first." I want to keep that perspective. Because of course, this job pays our bills and serves me well in a few areas, like being able to leave work at work, etc. I don't have to rush. It's just a job. But nothing will happen unless I MAKE IT happen.

Two, and Shawn and I have discussed, we're trying to lower the sugar/carb intake at our house. Kale chips and I may not have become fast friends, but I'm breaking up with Hershey's kisses and white bread. In an achievable, nothing is forbidden but be smarter, no-diet-diet kind of way. More veggies. Less sugar. The end.

Three, the goal is to fill up with love. Fill myself up, radiate it out. Not to be hippy-dippy, but I had a moment while doing yoga yesterday. ;) I nearly forgot, but I'd love to attend a weekly yoga class as a goal, too. Maybe. Saturday mornings?

But love. That's the main one. Amen and amen. Happy New Year. I'm planning a stop at Publix before going home, for cake (sugar's last hurrah), and chips, and maybe something festive like party hats. :)

Wait, it's December?

Christmastime is here! Whether we're ready for it or not, and surprise, surprise, I'm probably not! I saw a photo from October on my Facebook feed the other day, and I thought, wait, isn't it still October? Even though I know very well that all of November is already behind us (and some of December, even)! It's crazy, how time works -- how the days are long but the years are short. And I mean, I try to "just take one day at a time." You'd think that would make me extra-aware of what day/month/year it is. But, no.

Anyway, we have actually placed orders on Amazon Prime (Prime is the BEST), so at least we're not totally behind in the Santa Claus department. They're both definitely suspicious about S.C., and Alex may already be completely in the know, although he's not letting on. One of my friends says she tells her kid, "If you don't believe, you don't receive!" To me that's a little harsh, but I'm at the point where I kinda WANT them to figure it out. Partly so we get the THANK YOUS we deserve, heh, and partly so I can wink and waggle my eyebrows and talk about it in that fun, conspiratorial way.

I've not even thought about Christmas cards, but we did decorate...

I have to stop right here and one LAST time, "publicly" thank Shawn for all his hard work this past weekend. He had just told me Friday afternoon he was feeling his annual "anti-Christmas" feelings (don't we all?), and that I should be warned, and I was... but then I insisted anyway, that we were doing the tree and then HE was doing lights outside the house all weekend, plus raking/blowing leaves.... basically I said, "Christmas, here: Make It Happen" and he did. He worked ALL day Sunday, 9 to 9, save for the hour when I made him take me/us to brunch with Santa at the Country Club, and have a holiday mimosa with me, and LIKE IT.

So THANK YOU, Darling Husband, I love you so. This is just the way of the world, it seems, for husbands and wives. I think of our friends Jason and April, and I am certain she gives him her Instructions, and he is Expected to carry them out, and at least I'm not quite THAT brazen about it, I don't think.

The school Christmas program is already out of the way, Santa brunch, check, and so this weekend's activities include dinner out Friday night with our couple-friends Christina and Bobby, and the choir Christmas party Saturday night. I'm skipping choir on Sunday because I detest the song we're doing. Ha! I've never skipped for that reason, but I have done this song a zillion times with this choir and with another choir, and even though most people say it's SO BEAUTIFUL (Cantique de Jean Racine, by Faure), I still just hate it. The soprano has a few notes too low for comfort, (below "the break," as they say, which for me is lower than about A above middle C) and it's supposed to be sung in French, but we always sing it in English. Bleh. Actually, I don't even love it in French. It's boring to sing. Sorry, Faure. So, Sunday we can either go to the mall or wrap presents or do something FUN, after 9:00 Mass (or Saturday vigil). Lord knows Kate will demand we do SOMETHING FUN.

Oh, and I'm having my December cold right now, so hopefully that means it will be gone by Christmas Eve/Midnight Mass! Two winning years on that score, woo!

Sprechen Sie Deutsch?

I fell in love with German - the language - when, my sophomore year as a college chorister, we sang "Still, Still, Still" in our Festival of Nine Lessons and Carols. I LOVED that hymn, partly because it's a sweet lullaby for Baby Jesus, but also specifically because we sang all three verses in German. It was my first experience with the language, even though my Dad's ancestry is German, and close enough to his generation that his father, my Papa, still probably cursed in German. (I know there were a few phrases my Dad heard frequently - not curse words, but little things like "Salz und Pfeffer" and "heiß wie alles.")

Anyway, the German for Still, still, still is beautiful and I wanted to know more about it after that concert, so the very next semester I signed up for German 101. I was glad that several music-major friends had also signed up, since they frequently had to perform art songs in German. I felt like it was a perfect fit for me, since I was majoring in French already. A master of languages! Multi-talented! Multi-lingual! I would be a language superstar. Except... German is HARD. And very different from any romance language, as any student of languages knows. The instructor was not very patient or kind (we used to shrug and say, "Welp, she's very German!" but I know that we shouldn't stereotype anyone that way, and I have a lot of supremely kind German friends now), and that made it even harder.

So "101" was as far as my German education went, until I started working at my current job. Its global headquarters is located in Raubling, near Munich, and I do still love hearing the language on occassion. Like just now, the Chairman of the Board and CFO were just hanging around the copy room, right by my cubicle, chatting away. The (company) Germans visit our office pretty frequently, or we Skype with team members and overhear other conversations. I love it -- I still try to pick out words I think I remember. It makes me wish very much that I had stuck with it.

Pumpkin Spice Latte Day

Picture me with my red cup! Yummy.

It's Friday, 8:11 am and so far I'm still the only one in the office that I can tell. Did everyone take the day off and not tell me? No, my UK teammate just called me for a little chat. I learned that, on top of the confidential stuff happening here in the US, regarding which I've already been approached to "help cover responsibilities" (naturally) (again), our German teammate has just told us she has to have surgery on Dec. 4 and will likely be out until Janaury, so guess what? Can I "help cover responsibilities" for her, too?  WHY, SURE! This is so awesome!

I was remembering last year at my appraisal/review, and Ms. Meany-Pants boss told me one of the things I need to work on... hang on, let me dig out the sheet... ah, here it is... was being "Flexible." Let me read the delightful comment:

Score: 2/5 = Requires Development. While Lee is willing to pitch in when asked to, there are times when something is requested spontaneously and Lee's reaction seems a bit negative.... I do think that Lee has done a good job in adapting to so much change in the past year, but I would like to see her respond better to the changes in priority and the last minute pop up projects.

Hahahahaha! WELL. I think I've been PRETTY GOSH-DANG flexible, and I apologize in advance that I have not "developed" any further in that area but....it's because all the stupid crap is STILL HAPPENING. These idiots. They changed my job description without even telling me first. I WENT WITH IT. =flexible. And I actually don't think that I'm any more negative than anyone else, and if they say ANYTHING about it this year, I will be certain to throw names out. No one here is positive, because no decision ever makes sense, there is NO leadership -- and they continually DUMP on a few of us. They can't ding me for taking on the mood of the entire team, or for being A BIT NEGATIVE.

Sorry.

Didn't mean to get into all that. Incidentally, appraisals are due today, and no one has even bothered to mention mine (because my manager resigned, remember). Maybe I'll get out of it this year? Doubtful. But one can hope.

edited to add: my coworker in Germany is fine, I hear. I asked, I promise. I am concerned about her surgery, not just myself, despite how this reads.

Three days, including today, and then I will be on vacation. And even if it's busy with cooking and traveling and family gatherings, guess what? IT'S NOT HERE.

(I actually can't wait for the cooking and family gatherings. Love you, Mom and Dad -- see you soon!) 

Freebie

We had a power outage today at office building - an accident of some sort, so whole city blocks were without power. I was sent home to finish out the day on my laptop. Total gift and luxury to be able to work at home -- alone, with no kids to supervise / feel guilty about. I sat outside for the first hour and a half, writing an article and submitting it for approval.

After that I came inside and treated myself to a half-hour yoga session, just because I can. It was crappy -- Namaste TV, I think? hastily found on YouTube -- but full of breathing, (a little too fast for my taste), which I needed. I needed to "empty of everything" and fill it with breath. I was extremely frustrated by work yesterday evening, and once again flustered/flummoxed by Kate this morning. We're working on it. I'M working on it. (She doesn't want to work on it much.) But I was drained and needed that extra, quiet breath.

My "new" (old?) annoying manager resigned today. That's confidential. When I found out, I just laughed out loud. She was well on her way to being fired, anyway, as long as we're talking confidentially. Today at lunch we discussed how she uses several little tricks to make it seem like she's still in the office -- always leaves her computers on, lights on, even leaves a bag kind-of half open, near her desk, chair pushed back -- as if she's just gotten up for a coffee or a quick ladies' room visit -- but it'll be 3:30 pm and she'll just never come back. Her bosses and the important people had begun to notice. That among other things. But nope, she went ahead and resigned herself. One week notice. Hahahahahaha. I just can't even. This place is never devoid of something interesting or dramatic. I do wonder what in the hell will happen next.

My own workload seems to be full (I have to tell them frequently what is "my capacity" -- lately I've just been saying I'm at "max capacity" or above), because the idea of new assignments just sends me spinning. I can't even GET TO some of the existing assignments, or heaven forbid, come up with any NEW strategies or plans, just to be a leader / idea-bringer. Wouldn't that be nice? But it'll never happen. I feel so guilty sometimes, that my parents paid a big walloping college tuition bill for me to be still doing a low-on-the-totem-pole job (even though I do have a nice-sounding title). How did that happen? I did everything right, really -- the internships, the "paying of entry-level dues..." it's just that the companies I've landed at haven't had anywhere much for me to go. I mean, I'm writing now, at least there's that -- something I like and am good at, and have been doing consistently for a while, but I don't necessarily feel like an "expert" at it. [Well, especially not when they still feel the need to EDIT ME so much, when I AM supposed to be The Editor. Global Content Specialist, I mean, right? That sounds important, or like I would have THE authority over the writing at the company. But nope, I don't.]

Sometimes I wonder if I'll find THE THING late in life. Like, I'll finally be inspired to write a book (lately I've been thinking it would be about my interesting (?) 20+ years in a cubicle) when I'm in my fifties or something. And will sell it to a real publisher and do book tours and speaking engagements. Haha. Is that a wish/dream/hope? I don't know. Maybe. But will that story even be useful by the time I'm in my fifties?

Whew, all that fast breathing must have gotten to me. Stream of consciousness is not a bad thing, though. Gets the dust out of the corners sometimes.

Anyway, I am enjoying a somewhat free day. :)

Choir, on a positive note

Let me just start this with a huge Siiiiiiiiiiiiighhhhh. Because that is, in general, how I feel by Thursday night at 7:00 p.m. I donnnnnn't wanna.

But yesterday I decided to talk myself out of that crap. To direct my thoughts a little. To TELL myself, "I am going to choir because I enjoy singing. I enjoy being with these funny people. I am furthering my music education, and I like doing that." I don't know what all exact words I used. But during the drive there, I kept thinking it. When I got there, one of the men who drives me a little bit crazy pulled up at the same time I did. But I stopped myself from rolling my eyes (not that I would ever do so TO his face, just inside my own car), and instead tried to think, "How do I want this person to see me? As "that nice young lady who's always so kind to me." Not as, "That soprano who always seems tired and a little closed off."

I've also been trying to think of vocal breathing as another kind of yoga breathing. They're not the same thing, obviously, but breathing is good either way. :)

So, last night's rehearsal was better, with a positive intention behind it. I also remembered that choir can be my only time to (sorry for the cliche) "break open the Word" a little bit. The hymns we sing, of course, are usually based on Scripture, and Lord knows I don't have (make) time to read it. When it speaks to me personally, which happens a lot, hey, that's a lovely bonus. "Singing is praying twice," and all.

Anyway, life. It's true we humans are learning all the time, and still haven't figured it all out. More for me to be diligent about. :)

Trying my Best to Magnify/Multiply the Good Stuff!

• About 2 weeks ago, while I was stressing out over what the heck content I could use to fill up some pages of my (work) magazine, out of the blue I got a pitch from a trusted writer that was just perfect! Paid her $300 and thanked her Very Much! 
• Our babysitter is almost always available. Whether I need her for an evening out (this coming Saturday) or for a full day (one of last month's random SJCS student holidays), she's up for it, and will come at 7:00 a.m. if I ask her. We totally lucked into her, too, through one of Shawn's co-workers.
• Kate and I had a big talk last night and thus hope to resolve morning-rush stress once and for all. She wants to do better, I can tell. Bless her little heart. I am so proud of her.
• You should SEE these kids' school pics. Wait, I'm going to share them: 

Already on my desk and we just got them yesterday. Look how grown up! Alex looking more like his Daddy, and Kate looking like a tiny fashion model, if I do say so myself! She thought her hair was "messed up," but I think it's perfection. #unbiased

• We've hit a rhythm for weeknights, I think. Who goes where, when, and who picks up, and how to have dinner as a family, still, most nights of the week.
• Halloween went off without a hitch. First time the kids trick-or-treated without each other, Alex at one friend's and Kate at another's (with us). I didn't even get a photo of them together in their costumes. Felt so left out of the Facebook fun, I have to say! 
• November is here, and that means Thanksgiving, my favorite! All the food to look forward to! I have already made Pumpkin Corn Chowder and Pumpkin Dip that you eat with graham crackers. I might overdose on pumpkin but I would die happy. ;)

Weekend: Full of Happy

• Every other 6- to 10-year-old girl in this town might have gotten to hear T. Swift live and in-person Saturday night, but MY kids got to play Go Fish, Crazy 8s, Slap-Jack (Whisper-Jack, Yak-Jack), and even Gin Rummy with me on Sunday night at our kitchen table. I love playing [non-stressful] card games.
• It's surprising how delicious the pizza at Mellow Mushroom is. I was thinking about it again this morning, after going there Friday night. (Friday night pizza! What is better than that? NOT MUCH. I'm in love with Friday Night Pizza. Can we please do it every weekend?)
• Kate was totally giggly most of the day yesterday because of the word, "Tummy." We don't know why.
• Alex has begun using the word "Derp" in all the right ways, and it, too, made us laugh over and over again.
• A fuzzy diary and a metal Naruto headband (? I don't know either) are little things you can get at the mall, that make 2 kids pretty happy. 
• Wal-Mart might have lowered my grocery spend for the month of October (we haven't done the final tally), but I have declared that experiment over now. I really hate buying groceries at Wal-Mart, and decided my happiness is more important. Do what makes you happy! Don't do what doesn't. 
• During our backyard game of Frisbee yesterday, we broke the RECORD of 16 catches without dropping it! We made it all the way to TWENTY-ONE! It was momentous. 
• Shawn is the one who sorts, starts, switches, and folds most of our laundry on Sundays. (And he's cute, too!)
• We made Jerk sauce for our hamburgers last night, because we both like to eat everything spicy. YUM.
• The glass of Riesling I sipped while reading The Shell Seekers on my Kindle (64% through it) for 30 minutes last night made that half-hour truly lovely. Loving the book!
• I went to bed at 10:30, and slept all the way through.

Wish

Hope. The Holy Spirit. And a reason to Smile at the office. These are 3 things I prayed for this morning. These are what I think I need to get through a workday. My office is so amazingly bizarre/horrible. I have never been in a place that has SO much politics, drama, and is so incapable of getting a wholly successful team on-board. Is it because our hiring managers are no good? I think that has been part of it. We've had people in the HR office who have little understanding, in my opinion, of what it means to be an HR manager, and their bosses, the VPs of hiring, are European, and maybe don't catch all the nuance in their American interviewees' personalities. So they hire these people who never turn out to be what the position needs, and then they have to dramatically let them go and people whisper and worry, and get shuffled around to cover, and and and. It's a theory. (Also: there's one manager in particular who is actually good at what she does, but has power-trippy tendencies and also causes a large majority of the daily chaos, because she can never enjoy status quo. This person is head of my team, incidentally.) Anyway, we are once again in a state of flux/drama with middle management and leadership, and yet EVERYTHING STILL HAS TO GET DONE, so I have one million "hot" tasks and I'm once again (still) so over it.

Holy Spirit, be here. Hope, come in. Smiles.... just, please let us smile. I'm yoga-breathing today.

I'm ready to find something else -- to flee, to run away! -- but I am also having a hard time being enthused about anything jobs I've seen, particularly in my field. I'll keep looking. How I would love to have a remote (work from home), flexible full-time job writing for a cool, successful company (because benefits). Putting that wish out into the universe, maybe, will mean something. Hear me, Universe? Help a girl out.

Follow-Up: Summer Goals

We didn't accomplish all of my summer goals. However, we did accomplish a few of them, so I thought I should update my life-log, for future reference. [Related: I just had to Google "blog etymology" because I forgot where the "b" came from. !!?! (web. web-log)]

1. Finish the Easter puzzle. .... nope. In fact, I finally put it back into its box on Saturday morning. Gave up. Not going to happen in this stage of our lives. I will save it for my first week of retirement, someday, and work on it while eating Raisin Bran for lunch.

2. Bike riding. Another nope. Too hot. Too tired.

3. Reading! YES! DID IT! Both kids read 4 chapter books. Maybe more. Kate, who prefers being read to, even finished several of hers without me. I'm unsure now if Grandmommy read them to her while she was in Florida, but even if.... this was a big success. I gave them the gift-card prizes, too. (See? Just because we don't have leisure-time for the public library summer reading program, doesn't mean we don't have a reading program!) Am very proud of us.

4. Swimming! Kate! YES, by the hair on her chinny-chin-chin, she figured it out by September. GO GIRLY! Like a fish.

5. [Screentime Limits] I don't even know. This issue is going to continue to crop up again and again, I think. Right now, we're in school again, so it's different from summertime, but obviously still requires limits of some kind. We discovered we're right AT our monthly usage limit on our internet usage overall, so we're monitoring that... and both kids have "favorite" YouTube channels, users who publish new videos either every day or every week ("Munching Orange" is Alex's current favorite gamer to watch, and Kate likes a makeup artist named "Promise Phan" as well as "MattyB," a kid musician/rapper who's hilarious/nauseating.) Plus, Kate is lobbying for her own tablet -- she wants it right away but I'm trying to stall her until Christmas -- so then we'll have to figure out more rules. It's a moving target. Last night, we declared no devices during the weeknights without asking parental permission. Time will also be limited if they ask. We'll see if they can survive. (Does TV count? I don't know. Yes, I think it should, but no, not really, since they can access the TV more easily and I can't "put it away.")

Breaks

I feel compelled to tell someone that I'm enjoying an afternoon of working at home today. I was sure my manager wasn't going to approve it, but lo and behold, she proved me wrong, so here I am. Both kids are watching their shows with headphones on, for a little while until I make them go do something constructive, and I'm sitting here feeling content and grateful, with my pumpkin spice candle burning -- and oh, yeah, actually getting some work done, too. Mildly important.

It's interesting that part of why I'm feeling good is because I was entrusted with two fairly important projects at work. And they're getting done. This morning I was kicking ass and taking names on those two projects! Helping the president of the company, thank you very much. And also because yesterday, I did the annual helping-with-inventory at our warehouse. I dread that day every year, but while I'm there, I usually enjoy it. It's a distraction; the workday goes much faster when you only have 3 scheduled breaks to look forward to. You know you must work until 10:30, then take 15 minutes, then work until 12:30, and after lunch again at 3:30, you get a 15 minute break.

I'm considering setting up my regular days the same way. Isn't that silly? On my own schedule, I will dork around 'til the cows come home, taking the 5-minute break here to check Facebook, there to read a blog post, everywhere 5 minutes. (Sometimes 10; I do enjoy my 10-minute walking break that I try to do every day, especially now that the weather's cooled down.) Yesterday I was reminded that the longer breaks are a lot more satisfying. Hmmm. Something to think about.

Anyway, the day away from my desk and the gift of a work from home Friday afternoon have improved my week SIGNIFICANTLY.

Also: I am no-more bound to the no-good manager -- my time as "E-business and PR Coordinator" is officially over, and I am on the Global Marketing team, hooray hooray! I'm hopeful this will improve things in a long-term way. Goodbye, Store Locator spreadsheets! Goodbye, "Help Desk" duties! Goodbye, requests from random salespeople to help their customers download photos, or manage their own Facebook pages! I will SO not miss you.

Amen and amen!

Old 'hood, Groceries, and New Dude

1. We learned that the rental house 2 doors down from our old house -- have I already told you this? -- has new tenants, who, according to our source, have "sh!t all over the yard." We drove by there once, and even though it was nearly dark, we could see some sh!t. Trailers and bins... it was Whoa.

DH has thanked me a number of times for spearheading the Real Estate project and getting us out of there. It's satisfying. ;)

In fact, where we live now is continuing to grow, with large new neighborhoods popping up all over the place. Well, at least trees being mowed down in preparation for new neighborhoods. Traffic definitely feels thicker than it did this time last year, and it looks like there will be more influx of people/cars in the future. So far, it isn't unmanageable, but the window for leaving the house is NARROW. If we're not out of there between 6:45 and 7:05, forget it.

2. I'm so proud of us, for stretching our groceries to last 2 weeks. Last Sunday I just didn't go to Publix. Didn't feel like it? Knew we had enough? Had just paid bills and didn't wanna spend any more cash? Whatever it was. I did have to buy milk, bread, apples, ham, and some on-sale crackers for the kids' snacks, on Wednesday. But for the most part, we have been totally fine without spending my usual weekly $140 or so. Yesterday I had thawed chicken breasts in the fridge and I was certain they would be bad by 5:30 pm. So I tossed 'em in the crockpot before I left the house, with BBQ sauce, Zesty Italian, brown sugar, and voila! Shredded chicken bbq sandwiches for dinner. We happened to have burger buns on-hand. Other times in the week, we used leftovers wisely. ....Fine, I will admit that Monday was a bit of a bust; the kids had McDonald's milkshakes after school, and Spaghetti Ohs for dinner. The hipster/Paleo/bento-box moms do not approve! And speaking of boxes, more days than not, the kids' lunchboxes didn't include a fruit or vegetable. BUT STILL. I am happy about the whole deal. Tonight's dinner might have to be made from Bisquik, but I do have it, and milk! WIN.

3. New Dude at work: Takes notes, has been trained, has been given procedure documents... tells me this morning, "I don't remember all the steps." ARGH. (But he did give me a red pear, so I'm considering forgiveness.)

Clairey's

Kate has discovered The Mall. More specifically, Justice and Claire's (which she adorably called "Clairey's" this weekend, thinking the "e" was more than silent). We had to go there during Labor Day weekend, to pick up a wedding shower gift at Macy's, and since we had the day off, I just decided we'd walk around and explore. And... well, Kate insisted she needed go back this past weekend, too. :) We had smoothies from Smoothie King (had a coupon), visited Claire's and Justice and The Disney Store, and Bath and Body Works (all the important ones), sat down in one store and rested our feet from all the walking, ate lunch in the food court, gave in to frozen yogurt after lunch (I am a sucker), and then figured we'd had enough for one day!

Our mall isn't all that close to home, although we've taken the kids there a few times before. It's always fun for me to see their little minds blown over so many stores in one place. These last two times, Kate has commented on how good the mall smells. As soon as you open the door, you get this sweet whiff of shopping and cotton candy or something. I love it, too, and love that she loves it.

She's not interested in getting her ears pierced, although I won't be surprised if that comes up at Claire's in the next couple of years.

On a related note, something about girls-growing-up-too-fast, yesterday she sent this message to her Daddy from my phone, while I was busy doing something else:

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Totally unrelated book talk: Check out the awesome comments on this post. Sherry, need any more recommendations?? I got several from this discussion, namely I was reminded again of The Shell Seekers, which my mom has been urging me to read for oh, about 20 years now. !!

Schedule change

For years here, I've been saying, "I just don't know if I can do this flex-schedule again." So this year, I dropped it. I've maintained a 7:30 to 4:30 workday, and it's better. No more 5:00 alarm. No more stressful 3:30 rush to the 3:15 carpool line, only to be the very last one there. No more worrying if Shan thinks I'm cheating. The kids go to Aftercare every day, they do their homework there, mostly, and it's fine. Thumbs-up for eliminating unnecessary stress.

I had a heckuva week at work -- just mentally tiring. Lots of meetings. Wednesday night, we had an out-of-town work-guest to entertain, so I stayed at the office until 6:30 and then went to dinner with the team. Not a terrible evening - free meal and wine, after all - but wow, did it feel like a long day. I'm very glad I only do that rarely. And even more glad that Shawn's around and available to share dropoff and pickup duties with me every day -- I don't know how people do it when one parent travels a lot. Yesterday was my first choir rehearsal at 7pm, and we've shifted our gymnastics time to Thursdays at 6:30, so that was tricky, too (I take the kids, Shawn meets us there, I leave for choir, he takes them home). Two nights in a row not saying grace at the dinner table, and me not good night to the kids in person (or even on the phone). Sad trumpet.

It's fine, of course, just new. I'm hopeful that next week will feel a little more normal as far as the extracurriculars are concerned, but I'm also fully aware that we're deep in the kid-raising years right now, and it's going to be like this a little bit, until Alex can drive. I wonder if I need to say something to John about choir - like, maybe he just needs to not expect me to always be there. Last night I was so tired before the rehearsal started, and I sang LIKE CRAP (but I blame him for rehearsing pieces with high B-flats in the descants, gross). But in the end I was still glad I had gone. Mostly.

Alex is doing fine so far, but I've seen a few instances where I could tell he's stressed about fitting everything in: schoolwork, piano practice, gymnastics, clarinet (he joined the middle school band), Scouts, and the video gaming and YouTube videos about his gaming that he wants to produce... so we'll see how it all goes. So far they've not had any big school projects but WOE on that day.

However, today is Friday, my managers have all left for the day, I have some projects to keep me occupied until 4, Kate's having a friend over tonight (sweet Ady Grace), and I hope that means Shawn and I will be able to watch Justified. :) Weekend! It's supposed to be rainy, too -- BONUS!

On authority, and watching

I am watching from the sidelines as a project at my company is in the last planning stages and still not at all ready for launch. It's a new website. My original job here was to manage the company's US websites, both content and functionality. Since I started working here, of course, there have been major changes, and now we have a global e-commerce manager as well as other team members, so when this new site project was conceived, I was actually left out of it entirely. I felt strange and slightly offended about that, but I'm not in a position of authority and I presumed my team knew precisely what they were leaving out by forging ahead without me. Fine, whatever. They've given me a new title, anyway, and hired someone else for the website stuff. Good riddance.

However, I can't help but overhear and feel a lot of tension around the final days and leading into the launch, and I wonder if I should have spoken up or gotten involved. I couldn't have, without appearing intrusive, could I? Is intrusive or overstepping your bounds okay when it positions you as a "team player?" I don't know. I don't WANT the project to fail, but I fear it might. Or at the least, it's going be a huge and complicated mess. The dude they hired talks in circles, I think -- posturing, to make people THINK he's very smart -- and most of the time his words/ideas don't make sense. (I think most, if not all, successful people do that, by the way -- but some of them actually ARE smart, and others aren't.) Besides that, they've not given him all the information he actually needs. Besides THAT, he's never wrong, according to him. (I'm not bitter, I swear, but this personality type drives me bananas.) The manager in charge postures the same way -- and on top of it, she never follows through with her tasks. The tech guy on the other side of the pond thinks he can do it all by himself in the first place, and isn't very communicative.

On the one hand, I'm definitely glad that my name has not been "allowed" to be on the project -- it will not be my fault! On the other hand, I'm sure I'll be pulled in, to triage, troubleshoot or otherwise manage the mess, and that will tick me off, indeed.

Oh, corporate life. So ridiculous in so many ways.

So far, so good!

Week 1 of school was a rousing success...but they haven't had any real homework, yet. This week starts the real deal. I just looked online at the 2nd grade Homework planned for this week and it's a doozy! Spelling and Math tests, and worksheets every night. I can't even imagine how 6th grade will be, eek. So it's good we had a productive and relaxing weekend to gear up.

It ended with yesterday evening's trip to the pool with our friends, from about 4:00 until 7:00. We ate dinner there (country club For The Win!) and went out for ice cream afterwards. But first, the biggest news: Kate SWAM!! Underwater and everything, kicking her feet and coming up for air! I am  so proud of her. Of course she was hesitant when we left the house, not wanting to wear her floaties in front of other kids (Maren, 1 year older than Kate, in particular). I gave her a boost by telling her I hadn't even packed the floaties (she grinned and hugged me), but that Daddy and I would stay near her as much as she needed in the shallow end. She's fine on a kickboard or noodle, and can touch the bottom in the shallow end (barely, in this pool).

So I mostly sat on the steps with Emily and Shawn, and once in a while Kate wanted one of us to catch her or carry her, but she didn't cling to us like a little koala, which is what she has done all summer. Having Maren there helped; at one point, Maren asked why Kate couldn't go to the deep end and I think Kate was slightly embarrassed, but I helped answer the question and they both forgot about it and played anyway. Then toward the end of the evening, Kate was by herself in the shallow end, and I saw her practicing. She got better and better, swimming a little farther each time she went under. I could tell she had gotten determined. :) Goggles have been a key element for both of them; once they learned how clear everything looks underwater, they've wanted to see more. I'm just as thrilled for her as I was for Alex when he finally got it. All she needs is to get used to going longer distances, without stopping to put her feet down, and she'll be golden. We're going back to the pool as much as we can before they close it in September, I can tell you that much. Practice, practice, practice.

Who knew swimming would be such a major deal in the parenting gig? I never would have guessed!

9 Things on my Mind That Aren't Work

My mind needs an "Out of office" message today; no room for this job! I'm buzzing about:

1. A happy report from 2 kids who had good first half-days at school
2. Alex's signup for Band, meaning we'll have to either buy or rent an instrument of some sort here, soon
3. Kate's gymnastics camp and the school friend who also wants to sign up... but that we might need to move Kate to a different day, to accommodate Alex, who also wants to sign up, and for whom I would like a class that has more boys his age
4. My driving/flex schedule, and telling the kids I'm not doing carpool this year, instead they'll do Aftercare every day (if I do, indeed, decide that)
5. Is it too much? Monday - Boy Scouts, Wed - Girl Scouts and piano/choir, Thurs - gymnastics, plus instrument and piano practice?? OR is now the time for them to be digging in and finding out what they want to pursue in the future (somehow I think scouts might not last for either of them)?
6. PTO/vacation days - I think I will be able to accommodate several school holidays this fall and the Middle School Dances (committee member!), except for the day of Parent-Teacher Conferences, which is a student holiday (Darling Husband, can you take 10/23 off?)
7. Remaining PTO days and even The Holidays; yes, already thinking about that week off
8. The large piece of Harry and David milk chocolate sitting on my desk - should I eat it immediately or save it for an emergency chocolate situation?
9. Yoga - I've taken nearly an entire week off and I miss it. Even just the fifteen minutes at a time that I can manage. I want to get BETTER at it, too, but how/when?

So you can see there isn't any work getting done.

6th and 2nd Grades

Yesterday was School Orientation day. The little boy young man in our life, who squirmed nervously the night before his first day of Kindergarten, was assigned a middle school locker and a combination lock and will start 6th Grade. SIXTH! (It's fun, as you get older as a parent, and can actually remember your time in the grade your kid is entering. Sixth grade was a lot of fun for me and I'm praying he will love it, too.) He got a great teacher, I think, and yesterday his best friend's name was on the desk next to his own, so it's a happy start and he's curious/excited about the change to the Upper School Hallway, and all that entails.

The young lady in our life will start 2nd Grade, and once again, was pretty quiet when the teacher greeted her enthusiastically. She was also (rightfully) miffed at me, I think, because I left a lot of her supplies at home, whoops. They were the things that we are reusing from last year, like the purple pencil box, her headphones for computer lab and her old shirt for art class, but still, she couldn't check every single thing off the list on her desk. I would have been mad, too, but she got over it and when she went to bed last night the thing she was most concerned about is that she has to sit next to ALL BOYS. Smart teacher, I say. ;)

The mama was exhausted after our morning! Lugging textbooks up and down the hills and stairs was one thing, but the locker hallway was entirely another. I had to find scissors to undo the locker shelf from its stupidly-secure packaging; there wasn't enough room for everyone's backpacks and supplies so I kept having to get up and return to the classroom, then back to the locker; the locker wouldn't shut all the way; I saw a LOT of friends and fellow parents but didn't have ONE MINUTE to talk to any of them because of the kids and siblings everywhere. It made me think of high school, and how awful and crowded those halls were between classes. And it was like we didn't even notice! We WANTED to run into people, and walk by the boys we had crushes on, and hope they said hello! If I had to go through those kinds of crowds NOW on a daily basis.... ugh. But not kids - they'll thrive on all the energy and possibility.

So it was fun yesterday but it was HOT; someone had left the outside doors open and the AC was definitely not apparent. And finally, we missed some classmates who've left this year -- a lot of them, it seems. For valid reasons, but still... going into our seventh year together, with some key people missing, doesn't feel quite right. At least they still live nearby. In fact, I'm having lunch with my favorite mamas today, so we'll get to hear how the missing ones' kids are adjusting (they've been back in class all week already).

Off we go! Monday, ahoy!