In the details.

This is long and has Bible quotes. You've been warned.

I have had a very big lack of faith-practice lately. And I don't just mean not going to church, although that has been a problem in and of itself since I was in college. I just don't really go unless a) I'm at home with my parents, or b) I'm bound by a choir gig. The Catholic "Sunday Obligation" isn't enough for me, I guess; I need a calendar-specific reason. So, I've been on the schedule as a cantor the last 2 weekends, but before that (and not including my sister's wedding Mass), I have just slacked about church this summer. It doesn't help that AJ is in a very squirmy stage and I'm using it as an excuse, nor that DH, for all his good intentions, doesn't really like the process of getting all dressed up and going to church -- he feels like it's interrupting his only relax-time on the weekend, i.e., he gets all dressed up 5 days a week for work. And I respect that. He works hard. It's okay to want 2 days off. So ANYWAY, this post isn't really supposed to be about that. (And here's where I have to throw in an apology to my Mom because I don't know that I've ever admitted outright to her that I don't attend church every week. Surely she knows that, though. Right? Shirley. Sorry, Mom.)

What this post is about is the very wide absence of any spiritual awareness in my life lately. I mean, usually I can see around me all the good things that are of God -- the breeze that cools me, the good fact that I have a job, even when I'm feeling down about it, the real love that I feel for Husband and AJ, and that LOVE = GOD, and there you go. Usually, I spend more time thinking on those things. Lately? Nothing. I'm wandering around without a compass, I guess. I don't read the Bible (cradle Catholic, I told you), I don't do daily devotionals, I don't even read Beliefnet anymore. I think part of it is that I'm just totally distracted by this child-raising thing. I mean, you parents know it is a CONSTANT activity -- one never gets a chance to NOT think about the child. To ignore him for a while. I know, I know, take time for yourself and blah blah blah... but it never really includes reflective time. If I do that, I want to read a book or get a massage or do some shopping. Or, you know, if I was feeling motivated, I'd workout. (HA.) Don't misunderstand, I am keenly aware, every time I look at AJ, that he is an extremely precious gift from God and my part in helping to create him is nothing short of a miracle. The fact that God would trust me with such a responsibility is pretty mind-blowing.... but my mind stays pretty much blown with "What am I going to feed the kid for dinner THIS time (turkey dogs and green beans, again)?"

So it struck me on Sunday, when I was sitting at church in the cantor's seat, trying NOT to listen to the reading -- trying, instead, to practice the next song in my head -- that all of a sudden God was finding a way to poke at me and say, "HEY! Listen up, you. Pay attention." He is very good at this, in my experience. It's all in the littlest things -- God is in the details, as they say. First reading: 1 Kings 19: (excerpt)
Elijah came to a cave where he took shelter.
Then the LORD said to him,
"Go outside and stand on the mountain before the LORD;
the LORD will be passing by."
...but the LORD was not in the wind.
After the wind there was an earthquake--
but the LORD was not in the earthquake.
After the earthquake there was fire--
but the LORD was not in the fire.
After the fire there was a tiny whispering sound.

Ahem. [God's booming voice, whispering:] "I am here. But I whisper. You have to work a bit harder to hear Me."

Second reading, which called me right out: Romans 9:1-5: ...my conscience joins with the Holy Spirit in bearing me witness that I have great sorrow and constant anguish in my heart. For I could wish that I myself were accursed and cut off from Christ for the sake of my own people, my kindred according to the flesh.

[me looking around] Who, me?? This is precisely it. I am kinda sorrowful and anguished lately, faith-wise. And obviously cutting myself off from Christ. (Or, at least from the Church, which is sometimes of Christ and sometimes... well, that's a whole other topic.) Hmph. Alright, what about the Gospel reading? Surely three in a row won't be so dang personal. And then...

[as God chuckled:] Matthew 14:
Meanwhile the boat, already a few miles offshore,
was being tossed about by the waves, for the wind was against it.
During the fourth watch of the night,
he came toward them walking on the sea...
Peter said to him..."Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water."
He said, "Come." Peter got out of the boat and began to walk on the water toward Jesus.
But when he saw how strong the wind was he became frightened;
and, beginning to sink, he cried out, "Lord, save me!"
Immediately Jesus stretched out his hand and caught Peter,
and said to him, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?"

Ummm. Okay, wow. By this time I had hastily pulled out my hymnal to make sure they were reading the right ones for this week. "Ye of little faith." So you see? It's in the details and perhaps if I turn my mind toward them and pay better attention, I can get my spirit back.

There were other things, I think, the rest of that day. I can't remember them all now, but things like when I went into church, it was raining and gray, and so was my mood (childish bad attitude about having to be at church when I didn't wanna)... but when we came out, after all that revelation during the readings, hmm, surprise, the sun was shining again. And see? I think of that as significant. Or, at least, illustrative. Another way of God trying to say "You see what I can do? I can turn things back around if you'll just NOTICE."

So. I'm trying to be better about keeping my eyes open. Oh yeah, and my heart. I'm still not 100% there yet. But that's another thing I realized... that I think it's OKAY. This is the way the path has turned for the moment, and I'm still walking. And it may be this way for some time to come. Maybe I'm only going to get small inklings of God right now. He gives us what we can handle.