It should have been so pretty. We didn't have any snow in 2013, so we were really craving some, I think. And it came down so fast, but still silently, as snow always does, that it could have been really beautiful.
Except that it wasn't, as everyone knew by the evening news.
I just want to record how I felt about it. My own experience, for memory's sake.
We left that Tuesday morning 1/28, thinking nothing of it. Forecasts all said that north of Atlanta, where we live, would get 1" - 3", which is usually an indicator that we'll get less than 1". It was cold, sure, and we bundled the kids up in their coats, but went off to school as usual, confident that, as the forecasters had told us, the snow wouldn't start coming down until around 3 or 4pm.
Well, at 9am the snow started coming down. I was safely ensconced in cubicle-land, prepping for and hosting a small online meeting. I saw out the window that it was snowing (pretty!) but didn't really think it would continue all morning. And my meeting caused some additional drama and stress, and I had some big projects that needed finishing -- a full to-do list -- so I was unable to think about outdoors at all. At one point I remember going into the breakroom and looking down at my car (I'm on the 4th floor) thinking, "It's sticking. The car's actually getting covered up. Huh."
At 12:20, Shawn called me.The school had announced via phone-tree message that they were shutting down at 1:00pm with regular carpool, and all kids should be picked up by 2:00 at the latest. He had volunteered to pick them up, and I was fine with that -- I didn't realize until later HOW glad I was that he had them. So at 12:20 he had already left his office and was in slow traffic -- he told me he could only go about 20 miles an hour and that I'd better leave, too.
I booked it out of there with my laptop, of course, to finish all my work from home that afternoon, and good thing. I think 10 minutes after I left, an intersection near my office, which has a small hill, had iced over and several cars didn't make it up that hill. Meanwhile, traffic on the two roads I needed to drive was at a standstill already. As you've read, ALL the offices in all the towns released their employees right around 12:30 -- sheer coincidence -- and the buses were trying to get kids home and the untreated roads were beginning to get slippery. Recipe for disaster. I felt okay in the beginning -- I could keep my tires in line with the slushy wet tire tracks in front of me and I didn't slip at all. It was just slow going. I turned left without a problem. I noticed I had been on the road an hour, and hadn't gotten very far. Less than a mile, probably.
I had called Shawn and he had the kids but he was also moving verrry
slowly around the school (hills), trying to get out to a main road. They
were excited about the snow at this point, talking to me from the back
seat. We hung up and I was so grateful he had them. Then I did start slipping a little. Crunch, crunch, swivel swivel, and my blood pressure immediately shot up, I could tell. In seconds that seemed like minutes, I remembered, "Don't stand on the brake," which was exactly what I'd been trying to do at first. (My standard excuse is "I learned to drive in Florida!") I pumped the brake and that stopped me, thank God, but that was the beginning of the nerves being on edge. I looked out the window and noticed it was pretty coming down, but was only able to think that for a few seconds before the heightened feelings of worry took over again.
Another hour. I called Shawn again and this time I was kind-of panicked. He had to take me off speaker so the kids wouldn't hear, because I was crying. "I'm just a little scared," I told him. He said to keep calm, just drive carefully in low gear, and that it was going to be fine. I used yoga breathing and prayer to try to calm down, and it worked, mostly.
At several points I had to turn OFF the local news radio, which was making me more nervous than helping. They were trying to report accidents and I knew there HAD to be one in front of me, so I wanted to hear confirmation of that, but they never mentioned Barrett Parkway. They just kept saying my county was one of the worst, and then they'd mention tractor-trailers (semi trucks) turned over, and cars sliding off the road at random, and my heart rate would skyrocket. This happened a couple of times. I was imagining all the terrible things. I would get hot, too, and roll down the windows a bit. I wanted to keep the heat ON to keep the windshield defrosted (the back window was already forming some ice in the center) and I was scared to think, "what if I can't even see out the windows?" On the other side of the median, cars were still driving, albeit very slowly, so I knew the roads weren't completely iced yet. That helped my logical brain. Still, when a car in front of me and one lane over, just randomly starting sliding -- we were stopped -- I panicked again. What IF my car was next?
My hands were shaky and I cried a couple of other times. I also noticed that the other drivers around me WEREN'T panicky. They mostly looked bored, annoyed. I couldn't understand that. I kept thinking, "Why is no one else panicked?" And then since we were going nowhere, I started looking at Facebook. Everyone I knew was stuck somewhere. It was now 3:00 and there were still moms who hadn't gotten to school. (School sent out a message to say, "of course we will keep your kids safe as long as necessary.") Commenting on their scary situations actually helped me focus less on myself.
I also called my mom. She helped keep me calm just by talking and listening to my tale of woe, for half an hour. It helped immensely.
Top of the hour, called Shawn again. I had made it more than halfway to my subdivision and I told him if I got there and the ice was too bad (our s/d is all hills), I was leaving the car wherever I could and walking the half-mile to the house. The kids were being good as gold, he said. He could tell Kate was somewhat scared. They'd both slept a little, too. I couldn't imagine. He, funnily, had had to use his water bottle to relieve himself. I had been worried the kids would need to potty -- thank God, they never did. They'd eaten their school snacks. (Oh, another thing: because my morning at work had been dramatic, I hadn't eaten breakfast, and then I left before lunch. I had a few bites of chicken from my lunch salad on my way home but was basically going through the whole thing on an empty stomach. At one point I found a piece of the kids' Hubba Bubba gum, and ate it like medicine -- I could feel my blood sugar lowering, truly. Felt faint. Gum helped.)
I couldn't believe we had been in the car four hours. We talked about which road Shawn should take and I strongly suggested he stay on a main road, and NOT take the mountain road that was all hills and curves. He thought his new tires could handle it but I didn't want him away from commercial real estate -- if he chose the road I was suggesting, at least there'd be a grocery store and other businesses on the way, just in case. He thankfully agreed. I did see people out of their cars at this point, leaving them and starting to walk. To where, I don't know - the street I was on is pretty residential. Oh, and I was desperately watching my temperature gauge. It was just above halfway from Cold to Hot - no need for panic, but every time I looked at it I was convinced it was edging upwards. (It was fine.)
I was approaching our subdivision entrance and there was a car stopped just before the turn, slowing everything down as people went around it. Finally, finally, I got to turn in, and could go more than 1 mph. I went 5. The street was solidly covered but still had enough new snow on top to give me some traction, and I made it home. My neighbors' kids were already sledding. I made it up the hill in front of our house and down our driveway, into the garage. I couldn't believe that, and as I stopped the car I was seriously shaking, and had to sit a few minutes, cry my last tears, and let the panic shudder out of my whole body.
I know the whole thing sounded strange to everyone at home, but this was what it felt like to me. I went inside, called my mom again, texted my friends who'd sent out "are you okay?" texts, and sat at the front window waiting for Shawn's car. Didn't even take my coat off and I was still so tensed up. I should have probably started shoveling the driveway for Shawn, but couldn't move. When they pulled up, I can't even tell you. I ran to the back door. I couldn't believe the kids weren't climbing up the walls. I couldn't get them hugged enough. We all exclaimed. Alex said, "I don't think I want to go play in the snow right now. I've had about enough of the snow!" Kate couldn't believe it took them SO LONNNNNG to get home.
We spent the rest of the night watching Facebook for friends' reports -- several sat in their cars for 10+ hours, walked a mile or more to their homes, or the homes of friends, some slept at the school with their shaken kids after arriving there at 5:00, 6:00, and some helped strangers along the way. No one we knew got hurt. It was impossible. It was unbelievable. We still both felt high strung at 10 and 11pm.
The rest of the week, we recovered, enjoyed our snow days, and watched the news pound Atlanta government officials and our favorite weathermen for the epic fail. I don't know. Who knows what Mother Nature is ever going to do? There's no way to predict that. Shawn got out to his office on Thursday. The first time I drove again was Friday at 1:00pm and I was actually nervous. Ice was still on the ground in some places and my stomach was preparing for the worst. Post-traumatic, I guess.
What a crazy week.
(And then yesterday, Sunday, it was 60 degrees and the kids played outside in their flip flops.)
Monday, February 3
Tuesday, January 21
3 Days, 0 Tantrums
I have to report that Kate's behavior has vastly improved, or at least it has the last few days.
We finally, a week ago, had a Family Meeting, where we all discussed and agreed on The Rules.
We posted the rules, in the kitchen and in each kid's bedroom.
We created a system of consequences (the tokens for screen-time thing that we used when AJ was about this same age) and she really seems able to focus on earning tokens, and losing them when she messes up. She especially likes to be ahead of her brother in the number of tokens in her possession.
I can't tell you how nice this three-day weekend was. Even when she's neared the slippery slope, she's managed, with some coaching, to compose herself and accept compromises. I am so, so proud of her, and I keep telling her so, and I am so relieved, for the moment.
*...cautiously tiptoes away...*
We finally, a week ago, had a Family Meeting, where we all discussed and agreed on The Rules.
We posted the rules, in the kitchen and in each kid's bedroom.
We created a system of consequences (the tokens for screen-time thing that we used when AJ was about this same age) and she really seems able to focus on earning tokens, and losing them when she messes up. She especially likes to be ahead of her brother in the number of tokens in her possession.
I can't tell you how nice this three-day weekend was. Even when she's neared the slippery slope, she's managed, with some coaching, to compose herself and accept compromises. I am so, so proud of her, and I keep telling her so, and I am so relieved, for the moment.
*...cautiously tiptoes away...*
Thursday, January 16
OMG, what have we (I) done?!
So yeah, I met with the real estate agent. She's awesome -- so cool about everything while I figuratively flap my arms about, nervous but trying not to let on. She suggests getting our house on the market by February to "beat the crowds" but wow... February is practically here! And we have a frillion things still left to do, not the least of which is decluttering every inch of our living space. Every! Inch! Books, goodbye! Family photos, pack 'em. Jewelry, find a place to hide it. China cabinet -- too full, thin out the crystal. Kitchen pantry and bedroom closets, straighten them up. Bathroom toiletries, stash 'em in a bin under the sink but for heaven's sake, don't leave them on the countertop. And in fact, buy something nice for the countertop! For EACH countertop. Something Pinterest-worthy. (Something that has its tags on the bottom, so I can take it back and get a refund after it sells the house!! Right?!) Don't forget to light your sugar cookie candle and be feng shui about it, so you invite the buyers in with your amazing flow of chi.
I think the staging part is going to really send me over the edge.
Never mind the bigger projects like all the painting. I mean, Alex's and Kate's walls will clearly need to be stripped of their adhesive decals (Angry Birds and Rapunzel, respectively), but then won't we need to cover up all the other marks and dirt? We've been concentrating on the visibly horrible rooms for paint -- the laundry room (finally finished), the trim in the entry/hallway, and I've gotten an estimate for someone to do both upstairs god-awful bathrooms. But now we're realizing there are little walls (ha, "little" walls) here and there that could stand to just be painted again, as well. BOTHER. I don't have time!
We've tried to prep the kids a bit for the clearing out of their stuff. Kate, having no good toy storage in her room, is likely to be hit the hardest when we take ALL THE TOYS, which just live on the floor in various stacks and semi-neat arrangements. Why is it girls have so many "big" toys that don't fit into a toy box? Dollhouse, stroller, pretend salon chair, baby crib....
Let me tell you, this whole move, if it happens, is going to be a full-time job. I haven't been able to fully concentrate on Work-work all week, that's for sure.
P.S. I am excited about the fun part - the buying - as you can imagine. We have our number in mind, and Emily's sent us some listings already. Eeeeee. That's the good stuff! But still, the scary stuff, too. What if what if what if.
I think the staging part is going to really send me over the edge.
Never mind the bigger projects like all the painting. I mean, Alex's and Kate's walls will clearly need to be stripped of their adhesive decals (Angry Birds and Rapunzel, respectively), but then won't we need to cover up all the other marks and dirt? We've been concentrating on the visibly horrible rooms for paint -- the laundry room (finally finished), the trim in the entry/hallway, and I've gotten an estimate for someone to do both upstairs god-awful bathrooms. But now we're realizing there are little walls (ha, "little" walls) here and there that could stand to just be painted again, as well. BOTHER. I don't have time!
We've tried to prep the kids a bit for the clearing out of their stuff. Kate, having no good toy storage in her room, is likely to be hit the hardest when we take ALL THE TOYS, which just live on the floor in various stacks and semi-neat arrangements. Why is it girls have so many "big" toys that don't fit into a toy box? Dollhouse, stroller, pretend salon chair, baby crib....
Let me tell you, this whole move, if it happens, is going to be a full-time job. I haven't been able to fully concentrate on Work-work all week, that's for sure.
P.S. I am excited about the fun part - the buying - as you can imagine. We have our number in mind, and Emily's sent us some listings already. Eeeeee. That's the good stuff! But still, the scary stuff, too. What if what if what if.
Tuesday, January 14
Dream state
It is weird, what the mind does while we sleep. I know that no one likes dream posts, and I don't have a lot to share about this one, but. That's why this isn't a money-making blog!
I've been Stressed with a capital "S." My job has exploded into a full-time, all-the-time, word factory, and if I'm not creating fluffy words in press releases and various articles about the SAME TOPIC, just a DIFFERENT WAY, then I'm adding lots of products to our website (oh, and copy/pasting the "Spain-Spanish" products into "Mexico-Spanish" just for kicks. In mah spare time). And also responsible for several gazillion other tasks. No, really.
This is all the same story.
Yesterday I was stressy enough to get tearful on a Skype call with my European buddies (awesome). The whole call was a list of things I needed to do, or hadn't done, or hadn't properly captured analytics for -- I really am a good employee, usually -- but all I could think about was my lunch date with my real estate agent. I can say that now because we're kinda official. She's not only my friend! After all this time of me and Shawn thinking about it, she's going to sell our house AND try to find us a better one to buy!
Anyway, I had two big demons competing for space in my tiny brain -- So Much Work and Real Estate Project.
I dreamed about two beasts, fighting. One was a monster of some sort. Brown, furry, bear-like, but bigger. The other was a caribou (supposedly) with 5 long claws, about 2 feet long, where his hooves should have been. In the dream, I was trying to get into my car from the garage of my childhood home, while the two beasts gored each other many times on the front lawn.
Super weird.
I've been Stressed with a capital "S." My job has exploded into a full-time, all-the-time, word factory, and if I'm not creating fluffy words in press releases and various articles about the SAME TOPIC, just a DIFFERENT WAY, then I'm adding lots of products to our website (oh, and copy/pasting the "Spain-Spanish" products into "Mexico-Spanish" just for kicks. In mah spare time). And also responsible for several gazillion other tasks. No, really.
This is all the same story.
Yesterday I was stressy enough to get tearful on a Skype call with my European buddies (awesome). The whole call was a list of things I needed to do, or hadn't done, or hadn't properly captured analytics for -- I really am a good employee, usually -- but all I could think about was my lunch date with my real estate agent. I can say that now because we're kinda official. She's not only my friend! After all this time of me and Shawn thinking about it, she's going to sell our house AND try to find us a better one to buy!
Anyway, I had two big demons competing for space in my tiny brain -- So Much Work and Real Estate Project.
I dreamed about two beasts, fighting. One was a monster of some sort. Brown, furry, bear-like, but bigger. The other was a caribou (supposedly) with 5 long claws, about 2 feet long, where his hooves should have been. In the dream, I was trying to get into my car from the garage of my childhood home, while the two beasts gored each other many times on the front lawn.
Super weird.
Thursday, January 2
The Year-End Meme 2013
It's the first workday of 2014, and thus, the first blog post! Sort-of goes against the prescribed "Eat your frog" philosophy of productivity, but... eh. Do I care? Not really. This morning Shawn said, "We have 2 days to be awesome," and I thought it was so funny. He's trying to have a more positive outlook, this year, he said. A worthy resolution.
I have many more than one, but don't know if it's productive to list everything out. Can't I just try every day to be better? What I eat, how I behave? I think yes. There's no rule that says the stroke of midnight is the time to change. But still, it's fun reading other people's reflections, and I like to have that catalog, too.
I haven't felt like there's been a good time to step away and be quiet/think during the end of December. So it feels "off" to do this now, on the 2nd of January, instead of 3 days ago, but it's the closest thing to quiet time that I am going to find, I think.
1. What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before?
I did a few new things this year. One of the nicest was taking those yoga classes. It ended with a bit of a bitter taste in my mouth, but I don't think it was the fault of the studio, just the circumstance. I still enjoyed having an instructor, and really pushing myself in the 4 classes I took. We also did family portraits with a photographer-friend -- that was awesome.
2. Did you keep your New Year’s Resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I've already talked about this a little, but here's what I wrote last year: "In 2013 I'm hoping to just move more lightly through the days. I want to be better at praying for help with the daily things; help with planning my schedule so that workouts are a part of most days, but not freaking out about it too much. I don't know. Planning my days so that it's possible to enjoy a lunch out with a friend once in a while, and do the errands later. I need spiritual help with these things. I want to be a better wife, mother, daughter, daughter-in-law, and friend. I don't know what else. I wish more light, a lighter feeling, for 2013.
I don't want to focus on the details all the time. I'd rather see the big things -- love, joy, dedication -- in the forefront, and the rest -- work projects, stress about commitments, etc. -- just background noise."
I think I did a few of those; the "overall" ones. I can still stand to work on some of the specific ones, like making workouts the norm, and having lunch dates with girlfriends. I actually feel like I have a few girlfriends in 2014, which is somewhat new.
As far as this year's resolutions... I want to smile more. I want to make sure each member of my family, including me, gets at least 8 hugs a day. :) I want to live more mindfully, particularly within my relationships (Kate). I want to work with more care, at work. I want to brush twice a day. I want to drink 8 glasses of water a day. I want to put the iPhone down more often than not. I want to continue to appreciate the little things. I want to take a family trip to Seattle. I want to update the kids' rooms.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Thankfully, no.
5. What countries did you visit?
I like how Bethany said, "Maybe one day this question will be relevant." I doubt it will ever be very relevant for me. I don't have a lot of desire to see other countries anymore. We took our usual trips to see family, plus a nice day-trip to Chattanooga that I loved -- planning it, sleeping in a random hotel with the excited kids, doing all the touristy things.
6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?
Peace of mind about my retirement accounts. This year, maybe because age 40 looms, I started worrying that maybe I'm not saving RIGHT for retirement. I do save -- I have, every paycheck since I started working -- but maybe I need to manually rebalance and plan BETTER? I don't know. I usually do the auto-rebalance plans, you know?
I'd also like to have a new (to us) house. Maybe. If we find the right one in the right price range, and sell ours.
And some snow! We didn't have a single snow [day] in 2013! Fingers crossed. :)
7. What dates from 2013 will remain etched on your memory, and why?
I don't have any specific dates, I don't think. Our day-trip in April was fun.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
In the spring, I had a very big (to me) choir solo "performance." (It was during a Mass, so not supposed to call it a "performance" but it was.) I've always wanted to be asked to do something like that, and I am proud of how it sounded. It was Mozart's Laudate Dominum.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Continual difficulty keeping my cool in pressure situations -- specifically, when Kate's behavior was bad. I forgot, several times, that she is only little, and that I need to teach her, not blame her. And that my time constraints and high standards may not be realistic. I didn't handle my anger very well in many of those instances. (But I'm working on it, and on being forgiving.)
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Just my annual @$!*8# Christmas cold. I had to miss Midnight Mass, after working hard all season in choir rehearsals and really wanting to sing several of the anthems. Rrrrrr.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Maybe the ice cream maker. And I didn't buy it, but Shawn bought us FitBit Flexes. Two awesome things.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My parents', always traveling to be with us and understanding when we can't come to their house all the time. My MIL's, dealing with FIL's reduced physical and mental abilities (stroke). Alex's -- always having to put up with Kate's tantrums and my subsequent focus on her. Shawn's -- helping me survive parenting a daughter.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Children who have access to guns and their parents. Politicians. Miley Cyrus.
14. Where did most of your money go?
For the first time, NOT daycare! We had to give a lot of extra to the IRS last January, because of converting a traditional IRA over to a Roth (ugh). Most of it went to bills and the mortgage, though.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The Happier app is one thing. I am so grateful to have found an easy, fun way to count blessings every day. I think it has really helped me to feel happier.
16. What song will always remind you of 2013?
We spent a lot of time listening to Imagine Dragons' Radioactive, so that would be one...The Joy Formidable's This Ladder Is Ours was on repeat too, when it first came out... and Bridgit Mendler's Hurricane was in my head quite a bit. Also, Kate's dance recital piece was Miley Cyrus' Party in the USA so we heard that one a lot. Almost none of these songs were by my choice, but they're good and so I'm okay with that. I'll rely on my kids and husband to provide the tunes, no problem. :)
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a. happier or sadder? Happier, definitely. More mindful.
b. thinner or fatter? Not thinner -- about the same, probably.
c. richer or poorer? Richer I think - we both finally had raises during 2013 after several years without them.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Running. Walking. Hiking. Inviting friends to lunch. Reading. "Date nights" and individual time with the kids, particularly Alex.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Yelling. Taking it personally.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
At home, recovering from a cold, not doing much of anything that would stress me out. Mom and Dad came on Christmas Day and they're still here, and I love that.
21. Did you fall in love in 2013?
Yes, with the same people I've loved since I met them: Shawn, Alex and Kate.
22. What was your favorite TV program?
Downton Abbey. I binge-watched seasons 1 and 2 early last year, loved season 3, and can't wait for season 4 to start. On the other end of the spectrum, the Walking Dead became a favorite this year, and Modern Family, Parks & Rec, Cougartown, Duck Dynasty, Alaska: The Last Frontier and Property Brothers. (I watch a lot of TV.)
23. What was the best book you read?
I reread A Wrinkle in Time and it was by far the best. I also liked Tracy Chevalier's The Lady and the Unicorn, and Life of Pi.
24. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I don't think I discovered anything. As I said, my husband and my 9yo (now) are my music source. (Yay!)
25. What did you want and get?
New lighting in my kitchen! A pretty new mug that is red, and has my initial "L" on it. (Seems so small, and it is, but I've wanted that very thing for so long!) An ice-cream maker! To host a small party at Christmastime! A happy, healthy family.
26. What did you want and not get?
To get a little more house-sale-prep done before the end of the year (oh well). Decor inspiration. A lot of crap moved out of the house and to the Goodwill.
27. What was your favorite film of this year?
We saw "Silver Linings Playbook" on Netflix and I liked that. Don't know if it was my "favorite" or if it even came out this year. Quick Google of "2013 movies" reminds me of "This is the End," which was hilarious. Oh, and "Oz the Great and Powerful." THAT was my favorite, now I remember. A lot of James Franco, I see now.
28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Turned 39 in June! We went to dinner, I'm sure, but I don't recall any particular thing.
29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Having the right clothes and shoes. I need to do some serious shopping in 2014.
30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?
Ha. See above. I didn't even see this question when I answered that one.
31. What kept you sane?
The routine. I think having both kids at the same school since August has been a very positive, sane-making change.
32. What celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Apparently James Franco. Not really, though. Tina Fey/Amy Poehler. M. Lindsay Bierman (editor of Southern Living magazine). Pope Francis.
33. What political issue stirred you the most?
Guns. I know my dad disagrees with me but I don't think anyone should have guns. That's an exaggeration. I just wish we could figure out who can be responsible with guns, and let them have them, but not let anyone else, particularly idiots and idiot parents.
34. Who did you miss?
My sister. We're both busy but we just don't seem to talk as much anymore (and our workday IM chats have gone by the wayside, and I really miss those.)
35. Who was the best new person you met?
I made a new friend at work. I really enjoyed her; she was the first cube neighbor in that spot that I actually liked. And then she was let go. :( I think we'll stay friends but of course, it's awkward.
36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.
You just do the best you can, and you get another chance every single morning.
37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
This might be pretty cliche, but it's from "Life is Good" by Kenny Chesney (Googled "life is good" to find it):
Life is good, the grass is green
The good Lord smilin' on you and me
Gonna knock on wood
Sweet sunshine everywhere I look
You love me like no one could
Life is good
I'm a very lucky girl.
I have many more than one, but don't know if it's productive to list everything out. Can't I just try every day to be better? What I eat, how I behave? I think yes. There's no rule that says the stroke of midnight is the time to change. But still, it's fun reading other people's reflections, and I like to have that catalog, too.
I haven't felt like there's been a good time to step away and be quiet/think during the end of December. So it feels "off" to do this now, on the 2nd of January, instead of 3 days ago, but it's the closest thing to quiet time that I am going to find, I think.
1. What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before?
I did a few new things this year. One of the nicest was taking those yoga classes. It ended with a bit of a bitter taste in my mouth, but I don't think it was the fault of the studio, just the circumstance. I still enjoyed having an instructor, and really pushing myself in the 4 classes I took. We also did family portraits with a photographer-friend -- that was awesome.
2. Did you keep your New Year’s Resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I've already talked about this a little, but here's what I wrote last year: "In 2013 I'm hoping to just move more lightly through the days. I want to be better at praying for help with the daily things; help with planning my schedule so that workouts are a part of most days, but not freaking out about it too much. I don't know. Planning my days so that it's possible to enjoy a lunch out with a friend once in a while, and do the errands later. I need spiritual help with these things. I want to be a better wife, mother, daughter, daughter-in-law, and friend. I don't know what else. I wish more light, a lighter feeling, for 2013.
I don't want to focus on the details all the time. I'd rather see the big things -- love, joy, dedication -- in the forefront, and the rest -- work projects, stress about commitments, etc. -- just background noise."
I think I did a few of those; the "overall" ones. I can still stand to work on some of the specific ones, like making workouts the norm, and having lunch dates with girlfriends. I actually feel like I have a few girlfriends in 2014, which is somewhat new.
As far as this year's resolutions... I want to smile more. I want to make sure each member of my family, including me, gets at least 8 hugs a day. :) I want to live more mindfully, particularly within my relationships (Kate). I want to work with more care, at work. I want to brush twice a day. I want to drink 8 glasses of water a day. I want to put the iPhone down more often than not. I want to continue to appreciate the little things. I want to take a family trip to Seattle. I want to update the kids' rooms.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Thankfully, no.
5. What countries did you visit?
I like how Bethany said, "Maybe one day this question will be relevant." I doubt it will ever be very relevant for me. I don't have a lot of desire to see other countries anymore. We took our usual trips to see family, plus a nice day-trip to Chattanooga that I loved -- planning it, sleeping in a random hotel with the excited kids, doing all the touristy things.
6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?
Peace of mind about my retirement accounts. This year, maybe because age 40 looms, I started worrying that maybe I'm not saving RIGHT for retirement. I do save -- I have, every paycheck since I started working -- but maybe I need to manually rebalance and plan BETTER? I don't know. I usually do the auto-rebalance plans, you know?
I'd also like to have a new (to us) house. Maybe. If we find the right one in the right price range, and sell ours.
And some snow! We didn't have a single snow [day] in 2013! Fingers crossed. :)
7. What dates from 2013 will remain etched on your memory, and why?
I don't have any specific dates, I don't think. Our day-trip in April was fun.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
In the spring, I had a very big (to me) choir solo "performance." (It was during a Mass, so not supposed to call it a "performance" but it was.) I've always wanted to be asked to do something like that, and I am proud of how it sounded. It was Mozart's Laudate Dominum.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Continual difficulty keeping my cool in pressure situations -- specifically, when Kate's behavior was bad. I forgot, several times, that she is only little, and that I need to teach her, not blame her. And that my time constraints and high standards may not be realistic. I didn't handle my anger very well in many of those instances. (But I'm working on it, and on being forgiving.)
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Just my annual @$!*8# Christmas cold. I had to miss Midnight Mass, after working hard all season in choir rehearsals and really wanting to sing several of the anthems. Rrrrrr.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Maybe the ice cream maker. And I didn't buy it, but Shawn bought us FitBit Flexes. Two awesome things.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My parents', always traveling to be with us and understanding when we can't come to their house all the time. My MIL's, dealing with FIL's reduced physical and mental abilities (stroke). Alex's -- always having to put up with Kate's tantrums and my subsequent focus on her. Shawn's -- helping me survive parenting a daughter.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Children who have access to guns and their parents. Politicians. Miley Cyrus.
14. Where did most of your money go?
For the first time, NOT daycare! We had to give a lot of extra to the IRS last January, because of converting a traditional IRA over to a Roth (ugh). Most of it went to bills and the mortgage, though.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The Happier app is one thing. I am so grateful to have found an easy, fun way to count blessings every day. I think it has really helped me to feel happier.
16. What song will always remind you of 2013?
We spent a lot of time listening to Imagine Dragons' Radioactive, so that would be one...The Joy Formidable's This Ladder Is Ours was on repeat too, when it first came out... and Bridgit Mendler's Hurricane was in my head quite a bit. Also, Kate's dance recital piece was Miley Cyrus' Party in the USA so we heard that one a lot. Almost none of these songs were by my choice, but they're good and so I'm okay with that. I'll rely on my kids and husband to provide the tunes, no problem. :)
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a. happier or sadder? Happier, definitely. More mindful.
b. thinner or fatter? Not thinner -- about the same, probably.
c. richer or poorer? Richer I think - we both finally had raises during 2013 after several years without them.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Running. Walking. Hiking. Inviting friends to lunch. Reading. "Date nights" and individual time with the kids, particularly Alex.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Yelling. Taking it personally.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
At home, recovering from a cold, not doing much of anything that would stress me out. Mom and Dad came on Christmas Day and they're still here, and I love that.
21. Did you fall in love in 2013?
Yes, with the same people I've loved since I met them: Shawn, Alex and Kate.
22. What was your favorite TV program?
Downton Abbey. I binge-watched seasons 1 and 2 early last year, loved season 3, and can't wait for season 4 to start. On the other end of the spectrum, the Walking Dead became a favorite this year, and Modern Family, Parks & Rec, Cougartown, Duck Dynasty, Alaska: The Last Frontier and Property Brothers. (I watch a lot of TV.)
23. What was the best book you read?
I reread A Wrinkle in Time and it was by far the best. I also liked Tracy Chevalier's The Lady and the Unicorn, and Life of Pi.
24. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I don't think I discovered anything. As I said, my husband and my 9yo (now) are my music source. (Yay!)
25. What did you want and get?
New lighting in my kitchen! A pretty new mug that is red, and has my initial "L" on it. (Seems so small, and it is, but I've wanted that very thing for so long!) An ice-cream maker! To host a small party at Christmastime! A happy, healthy family.
26. What did you want and not get?
To get a little more house-sale-prep done before the end of the year (oh well). Decor inspiration. A lot of crap moved out of the house and to the Goodwill.
27. What was your favorite film of this year?
We saw "Silver Linings Playbook" on Netflix and I liked that. Don't know if it was my "favorite" or if it even came out this year. Quick Google of "2013 movies" reminds me of "This is the End," which was hilarious. Oh, and "Oz the Great and Powerful." THAT was my favorite, now I remember. A lot of James Franco, I see now.
28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Turned 39 in June! We went to dinner, I'm sure, but I don't recall any particular thing.
29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Having the right clothes and shoes. I need to do some serious shopping in 2014.
30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?
Ha. See above. I didn't even see this question when I answered that one.
31. What kept you sane?
The routine. I think having both kids at the same school since August has been a very positive, sane-making change.
32. What celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Apparently James Franco. Not really, though. Tina Fey/Amy Poehler. M. Lindsay Bierman (editor of Southern Living magazine). Pope Francis.
33. What political issue stirred you the most?
Guns. I know my dad disagrees with me but I don't think anyone should have guns. That's an exaggeration. I just wish we could figure out who can be responsible with guns, and let them have them, but not let anyone else, particularly idiots and idiot parents.
34. Who did you miss?
My sister. We're both busy but we just don't seem to talk as much anymore (and our workday IM chats have gone by the wayside, and I really miss those.)
35. Who was the best new person you met?
I made a new friend at work. I really enjoyed her; she was the first cube neighbor in that spot that I actually liked. And then she was let go. :( I think we'll stay friends but of course, it's awkward.
36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.
You just do the best you can, and you get another chance every single morning.
37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
This might be pretty cliche, but it's from "Life is Good" by Kenny Chesney (Googled "life is good" to find it):
Life is good, the grass is green
The good Lord smilin' on you and me
Gonna knock on wood
Sweet sunshine everywhere I look
You love me like no one could
Life is good
I'm a very lucky girl.
Monday, December 30
Post-Christmas 2013
I did find my Christmas spirit. :) I stayed sick through the day after Christmas, at 3:00. It was that precise, the moment I felt better. Until then I just felt like I was in a fog. The doctor had just said, "Viral," and kicked me out of her office with no prescription. Thanks a lot, doc. I did get to skip the Midnight Mass choral extravaganza, which was sort-of a bummer, but on the other hand not, because who wants to get out at 10:00 on Christmas Eve, anyway?!
But our quiet, just the four of us Christmas morning was really lovely. The kids were appropriately excited both the night before and upon waking up and seeing that Santa "really did" come! We worried that there wouldn't be enough of the big-ticket gifts, but we needn't have. We're lucky to have pretty easy-to-please kids, as far as gifts go. :) So, no iPads or tablets this year, and everyone is just fine with that. Let's see, for posterity -- Alex got the Skylanders Swap game, some Naruto cards, a Naruto book, a Professor Layton DS game, the movie "Epic," a Minecraft t-shirt, an origami set, two Lego Chima sets (600 pieces!), an iTunes gift card (from us, not Santa) and an alarm clock. Kate got the light-up dry erase board, the two main character barbie-like dolls from Frozen, several books (Rainbow Fairies, The Secret Garden and Anne of Green Gables - simplified, illustrated editions), a small Nerf Rebelle dart-shooter, Hello Kitty pajamas, a DS Game called "Doodlejump," the Katy Perry movie on DVD, the same alarm clock as Alex, a voice-activated diary (from us) and 2 outfits for her Build-A-Bear.
Mom and Dad arrived late Christmas Day, and we had appetizers (spinach dip, bacon-wrapped pineapple) and then an easy dinner of honey-baked ham, dressing, mashed potatoes & corn, and a green salad. We used the Lenox Holiday china. I think after dinner, I went to the couch and might not have gotten back up. I know I napped at least once the next day... maybe twice.
Alex has already put together his two new Lego sets, and Kate has played with her light-up dry erase board, and actually they've both been playing pretend quite well over the last 4 days -- finding ways to keep occupied, mostly without fighting. Today's the first day Mom and Dad are keeping them while Shawn and I are at work and I hope the "without fighting" part continues! I'm worried that they're going to get cabin fever (the kids), even though we've taken them out -- to a lights display in downtown Atlanta on Friday night, and to my cousin's house last night. But maybe they can run around outside for a while and not notice. They still have several new movies they can watch today.
We're going to have potato soup for dinner tonight, and I have plenty of work here to make the day go by. I'm thinking about the end of 2013 -- happy it was a nice year, wanting to end it on a good, productive, feel-good note. :) Perhaps more to come on that topic.
But our quiet, just the four of us Christmas morning was really lovely. The kids were appropriately excited both the night before and upon waking up and seeing that Santa "really did" come! We worried that there wouldn't be enough of the big-ticket gifts, but we needn't have. We're lucky to have pretty easy-to-please kids, as far as gifts go. :) So, no iPads or tablets this year, and everyone is just fine with that. Let's see, for posterity -- Alex got the Skylanders Swap game, some Naruto cards, a Naruto book, a Professor Layton DS game, the movie "Epic," a Minecraft t-shirt, an origami set, two Lego Chima sets (600 pieces!), an iTunes gift card (from us, not Santa) and an alarm clock. Kate got the light-up dry erase board, the two main character barbie-like dolls from Frozen, several books (Rainbow Fairies, The Secret Garden and Anne of Green Gables - simplified, illustrated editions), a small Nerf Rebelle dart-shooter, Hello Kitty pajamas, a DS Game called "Doodlejump," the Katy Perry movie on DVD, the same alarm clock as Alex, a voice-activated diary (from us) and 2 outfits for her Build-A-Bear.
Mom and Dad arrived late Christmas Day, and we had appetizers (spinach dip, bacon-wrapped pineapple) and then an easy dinner of honey-baked ham, dressing, mashed potatoes & corn, and a green salad. We used the Lenox Holiday china. I think after dinner, I went to the couch and might not have gotten back up. I know I napped at least once the next day... maybe twice.
Alex has already put together his two new Lego sets, and Kate has played with her light-up dry erase board, and actually they've both been playing pretend quite well over the last 4 days -- finding ways to keep occupied, mostly without fighting. Today's the first day Mom and Dad are keeping them while Shawn and I are at work and I hope the "without fighting" part continues! I'm worried that they're going to get cabin fever (the kids), even though we've taken them out -- to a lights display in downtown Atlanta on Friday night, and to my cousin's house last night. But maybe they can run around outside for a while and not notice. They still have several new movies they can watch today.
We're going to have potato soup for dinner tonight, and I have plenty of work here to make the day go by. I'm thinking about the end of 2013 -- happy it was a nice year, wanting to end it on a good, productive, feel-good note. :) Perhaps more to come on that topic.
Monday, December 23
Two days before Christmas...
Well, it definitely does stink to be at the office today, the official first day of the schools' Christmas vacation, but on the other hand, it's predictably quiet; I've had my one necessary phone call of the day (a Skype call, actually, with a delightful British guy who's doing some work for us); I have set tasks that aren't very difficult but will keep me busy; and I'm even feeling good about having to be here next week, the 30th and 31st, for the same reasons.
Unfortunately, all that is being threatened every hour or so because I'm feeling ill. It started last Tuesday night with a sore throat, then got better, then came back, then yesterday after what I thought was my last Christmas shopping trip, in the pouring rain, I came home exhausted. It was a short outing -- didn't merit that kind of tiredness. And then I slept VERY fitfully during the night, and I knew I was feverish because I kept having the same thoughts/dreams over and over, even though I didn't want them, and a single song was constantly in my head. That always happens to me when I'm feverish at night. Ugh. It was awful.
The doctor can't see me until tomorrow. I know I need to go because Shawn had walking pneumonia last week. (Oh, hi, Mom and Dad! Can't wait to see you!! I promise to Lysol everything.)
I just came back from Target, where I got a few things that still needed getting, and I feel good about that. The lines weren't too long although there were a lot of people in the store.
I haven't eaten anything but chocolate today. Perhaps I should.
Not feeling overly Christmas-y at this moment in time, but I hope that after 5:00 pm, I will.
Unfortunately, all that is being threatened every hour or so because I'm feeling ill. It started last Tuesday night with a sore throat, then got better, then came back, then yesterday after what I thought was my last Christmas shopping trip, in the pouring rain, I came home exhausted. It was a short outing -- didn't merit that kind of tiredness. And then I slept VERY fitfully during the night, and I knew I was feverish because I kept having the same thoughts/dreams over and over, even though I didn't want them, and a single song was constantly in my head. That always happens to me when I'm feverish at night. Ugh. It was awful.
The doctor can't see me until tomorrow. I know I need to go because Shawn had walking pneumonia last week. (Oh, hi, Mom and Dad! Can't wait to see you!! I promise to Lysol everything.)
I just came back from Target, where I got a few things that still needed getting, and I feel good about that. The lines weren't too long although there were a lot of people in the store.
I haven't eaten anything but chocolate today. Perhaps I should.
Not feeling overly Christmas-y at this moment in time, but I hope that after 5:00 pm, I will.
Thursday, December 19
Present
Sometimes I know I'm not present with the kids. There are too many dishes in the sink, needing to be washed; there's dinner that I haven't even started putting together; there's Christmas decorating (at least there was 2 weeks ago) that will take a full Saturday to really do "right." So the kids need to find their own entertainment, which they typically do in front of a flat-screen. (Well, also in the hallway, throwing a ball. I don't have time to argue about ball in the house -- at least they're being "active!" And not bugging me!) I'm okay with not always being present, and they NEED me to let them just go, spin around and find their own ways in the world, but I want to do more, be there enough.
In the past 24 hours I did at least three things more "presently," and I want to pat myself on the back for them. (Also, I just read one of those insipid HuffPo articles titled "motherhood is ____" -- they're all named the same -- and I'd rather have read/written my own version I guess.)
1. I did not "scratch on my phone," as my dad endearingly says, at all from 4:00 pm until 10:00 pm. My eyes were available for whatever they wanted to show me, my fingers for whatever they needed me to do.
2. At bedtime, I finally got to spend a few minutes with Alex. After getting Kate down, which is always a feat worth a pat on the back (but not dramatic last night, thank the Good Lord), I went into Alex's room. He was re-reading one of the Diary of a Wimpy Kid books. I flopped down on my stomach next to him, and we flipped through the pages together. We laughed and laughed at the part where they're trying to name their dog. Roderick, the older brother, suggests they call the dog Turtle. "Turd for short," he says, hilariously. We laughed out loud for at least 4 minutes together, repeating the phrase to each other and collapsing in giggles every time. Man, I needed to connect with that kid, in that exact way.
3. This morning at 5:00 (don't worry, that's my normal Thursday wake-up time), I was making a quick breakfast dish for my office Christmas brunch. Kate must have heard me and wandered downstairs. When she saw her new "doodles" coloring book on the counter, she asked if she could color in it, and if I would, too. And I did. We used markers and sat together in the dark of the kitchen, and just colored. There was very little chatter -- I mean, there was a little, she's a 5-y-o girl -- and it was just perfect.
In the past 24 hours I did at least three things more "presently," and I want to pat myself on the back for them. (Also, I just read one of those insipid HuffPo articles titled "motherhood is ____" -- they're all named the same -- and I'd rather have read/written my own version I guess.)
1. I did not "scratch on my phone," as my dad endearingly says, at all from 4:00 pm until 10:00 pm. My eyes were available for whatever they wanted to show me, my fingers for whatever they needed me to do.
2. At bedtime, I finally got to spend a few minutes with Alex. After getting Kate down, which is always a feat worth a pat on the back (but not dramatic last night, thank the Good Lord), I went into Alex's room. He was re-reading one of the Diary of a Wimpy Kid books. I flopped down on my stomach next to him, and we flipped through the pages together. We laughed and laughed at the part where they're trying to name their dog. Roderick, the older brother, suggests they call the dog Turtle. "Turd for short," he says, hilariously. We laughed out loud for at least 4 minutes together, repeating the phrase to each other and collapsing in giggles every time. Man, I needed to connect with that kid, in that exact way.
3. This morning at 5:00 (don't worry, that's my normal Thursday wake-up time), I was making a quick breakfast dish for my office Christmas brunch. Kate must have heard me and wandered downstairs. When she saw her new "doodles" coloring book on the counter, she asked if she could color in it, and if I would, too. And I did. We used markers and sat together in the dark of the kitchen, and just colored. There was very little chatter -- I mean, there was a little, she's a 5-y-o girl -- and it was just perfect.
Monday, December 16
We had a better weekend
Thank you for your prayers. We had a nice weekend. Kate was SO much better. I'm not saying we're all cured, but. It was better. As, of course, these things tend to go. She and Alex invented a new game of pretend that satisfies them both, so all was right with the world, I suppose. :)
It's crunch-time for Christmas, isn't it?! I have a lot of tasks left but am trying not to look at the big picture, just one day at a time. I went grocery shopping yesterday and didn't even think about what I'm making for Christmas dinner, or what I might need. I have one more weekend before the big day, you see. I have time. (Why does it always feel like there's less time than there really IS?)
I wish I weren't working, that's for sure. We have a website launch this week so there's a lot of proofreading and testing; we're trying to prep for January, and my European colleagues take a full 2 weeks off, so that means doing half of January's work now; and I could just get a lot of shit done if I could be at home - laundry, cookies, vacuuming, changing sheets! This is my forever complaint, I suppose.
I made peanut clusters this weekend. Now it feels like the holidays. :) Maybe we'll have time to make some sugar cookies, too. I went ahead and took the working mom easy route for one of the kids' classroom parties -- ordered sugar cookies from a bakery! I mean, how easy are sugar cookies?! But not easy enough. Worth my $50 if I don't have to think about it! Remind me NOT to volunteer for the Valentine's Day parties -- I have done my duty.
Kate's holiday ballet recital is tomorrow night. Her last for a while, I guess, because she says she doesn't want to continue. They tried to ask me if I thought she'd prefer a hip-hop class. I think she would, and she asked, "What's hip-hop?" I said, "It's sassy dancing." Even with that description, she said, "Nah." ;) I'm relieved. Off to the next adventure. Soccer? Piano? We don't know yet. Maybe nothing.
Signing off to procrastinate and figure out which errands I want to run today at lunch!
It's crunch-time for Christmas, isn't it?! I have a lot of tasks left but am trying not to look at the big picture, just one day at a time. I went grocery shopping yesterday and didn't even think about what I'm making for Christmas dinner, or what I might need. I have one more weekend before the big day, you see. I have time. (Why does it always feel like there's less time than there really IS?)
I wish I weren't working, that's for sure. We have a website launch this week so there's a lot of proofreading and testing; we're trying to prep for January, and my European colleagues take a full 2 weeks off, so that means doing half of January's work now; and I could just get a lot of shit done if I could be at home - laundry, cookies, vacuuming, changing sheets! This is my forever complaint, I suppose.
I made peanut clusters this weekend. Now it feels like the holidays. :) Maybe we'll have time to make some sugar cookies, too. I went ahead and took the working mom easy route for one of the kids' classroom parties -- ordered sugar cookies from a bakery! I mean, how easy are sugar cookies?! But not easy enough. Worth my $50 if I don't have to think about it! Remind me NOT to volunteer for the Valentine's Day parties -- I have done my duty.
Kate's holiday ballet recital is tomorrow night. Her last for a while, I guess, because she says she doesn't want to continue. They tried to ask me if I thought she'd prefer a hip-hop class. I think she would, and she asked, "What's hip-hop?" I said, "It's sassy dancing." Even with that description, she said, "Nah." ;) I'm relieved. Off to the next adventure. Soccer? Piano? We don't know yet. Maybe nothing.
Signing off to procrastinate and figure out which errands I want to run today at lunch!
Friday, December 13
Hosting, and other notes
I think I'm going to get to host something Christmas-y this year. Well, besides Christmas dinner and the Christmas/New Year's Holidays -- we're already hosting those. :) I am so happy. I think it's the perfect plan: Grandmommy and Papa Joe arriving on Christmas Day. It's actually our first Christmas (Santa) morning in our own home, with no guests. That, in itself, is exciting and a small blessing, I think. Having guests is lovely, too, but I'm happy about it just being us. And then later in the day, we'll have our favorite guests-who-aren't-guests, but who are family, to join us for a real Christmas Dinner, and the rest of the fun stuff about the holidays: sitting around, watching movies, enjoying time off, playing with new things, reading new books, napping, chatting, drinking yummy beverages and eating cookies. ;)
But BESIDES that hosting, I think I'm going to get to host my little group of mom buddies, next Friday night. Another woman had volunteered, but one of our group is allergic to cats (so am I), and she asked if we could not go to that friend's home. (No offense.) So I volunteered. It's an easy potluck and BYOB, so as long as I can keep the place relatively straightened up, and it's already pretty straight because of Christmas decorating, I'm good to go. I love this group of girls, and like Swistle said, I definitely feel like it solidifies my place among them to host something. I've been wanting to -- I don't know why I don't ever send that email to INSTIGATE a get-together. Maybe after this I'll feel like I can.
I would love to do a "whole families" party, too, and not just the moms -- but I just don't think our house is big enough for that. Not in the winter, when the back deck is unavailable. This is yet another reason I'd like to try to find a new home. I really like having parties, and being stifled by the lack of space is hard.
------
The "other notes" are harder. We're still having a hard time with Kate. That's all I want to say. I wish I could make it funny, like all the bloggers do. I wish I could laugh and say, "She's like a tiny drunk, one minute saying one thing (GET ME A SNACK!), and then next minute, the exact opposite (NO! DON'T TOUCH MY SNACK BOWL!"), and expecting me to believe both hahaha, isn't it hysterical, how illogical they are!" But it has become less funny. I'm seriously considering the question, "Where would I even buy a lump of coal?" (...was that funny?)
Bless her. I pray for her so much. I pray for me. She gets her flaring temper from both her father and, I've learned, from me. I pray for Alex, who loses out. I pray for Shawn who has to deal with her irrational emotions, and then feel bad for mine. I have extremely HIGH expectations of my kids because that's the standard I was raised by, and I met it. I WAS A PERFECT CHILD. ;) (Really, I was.) I wouldn't have DREAMED of telling my mother she was stupid or bad or any of the things Kate says to me on a daily basis. But I need to let GO of those expectations. Every single one.
And yet, she's still so sweet when she decides to be. Today there was a glimmer of hope when she apologized to me for "being bad," with no prompting (that I know of). That's a tiny speck of hope. (and also breaks my heart)
I've said too much. Just... Mom, say a prayer for us. Say a prayer that this will be the worst of it and the teenage years will be a breeze. PLEASE, say that prayer. Because, Jesus.
But BESIDES that hosting, I think I'm going to get to host my little group of mom buddies, next Friday night. Another woman had volunteered, but one of our group is allergic to cats (so am I), and she asked if we could not go to that friend's home. (No offense.) So I volunteered. It's an easy potluck and BYOB, so as long as I can keep the place relatively straightened up, and it's already pretty straight because of Christmas decorating, I'm good to go. I love this group of girls, and like Swistle said, I definitely feel like it solidifies my place among them to host something. I've been wanting to -- I don't know why I don't ever send that email to INSTIGATE a get-together. Maybe after this I'll feel like I can.
I would love to do a "whole families" party, too, and not just the moms -- but I just don't think our house is big enough for that. Not in the winter, when the back deck is unavailable. This is yet another reason I'd like to try to find a new home. I really like having parties, and being stifled by the lack of space is hard.
------
The "other notes" are harder. We're still having a hard time with Kate. That's all I want to say. I wish I could make it funny, like all the bloggers do. I wish I could laugh and say, "She's like a tiny drunk, one minute saying one thing (GET ME A SNACK!), and then next minute, the exact opposite (NO! DON'T TOUCH MY SNACK BOWL!"), and expecting me to believe both hahaha, isn't it hysterical, how illogical they are!" But it has become less funny. I'm seriously considering the question, "Where would I even buy a lump of coal?" (...was that funny?)
Bless her. I pray for her so much. I pray for me. She gets her flaring temper from both her father and, I've learned, from me. I pray for Alex, who loses out. I pray for Shawn who has to deal with her irrational emotions, and then feel bad for mine. I have extremely HIGH expectations of my kids because that's the standard I was raised by, and I met it. I WAS A PERFECT CHILD. ;) (Really, I was.) I wouldn't have DREAMED of telling my mother she was stupid or bad or any of the things Kate says to me on a daily basis. But I need to let GO of those expectations. Every single one.
And yet, she's still so sweet when she decides to be. Today there was a glimmer of hope when she apologized to me for "being bad," with no prompting (that I know of). That's a tiny speck of hope. (and also breaks my heart)
I've said too much. Just... Mom, say a prayer for us. Say a prayer that this will be the worst of it and the teenage years will be a breeze. PLEASE, say that prayer. Because, Jesus.
Thursday, December 5
Bored out
I'm so bored with the Internet. There's nothing new. Is there? You tell me, I would say if this were still a public blog. Where are the hilarious new bloggers that I must be reading? The fun new sites I have to try?
I suppose I could DO MY WORK, but that's just too sad. No, I'm kidding -- in fact, I have a ton of work that needs doing, and none of it is terrible or awful. But I do like a good click-fest between projects, and Facebook, Twitter, my feed reader and my email just aren't doing it for me anymore. I do Instagram and Happier on my phone; they're good for a minute or two. Pinterest.... meh. I'm bored with it. The same people post the same recipes over and over, and I got to where I couldn't look at the decor or home-improvement stuff any longer because it made me feel bad about myself. There, I said it.
I used to also spend a lot of clicky time on Sparkpeople, but again, it got to be less motivational and more depressing. Maybe I'll pop over there later and see if I can kick my butt into gear. I have been using the Fitbit again, and meeting my 5,000 steps goal - woo! - after Swistle's inspirational post about it. Maybe after a few more successful days I will officially increase the goal to 6,000. And then further still, after that.
I still want to DO yoga, but I think I'm finished with the studio I have been attending. I've just never felt overly welcomed there. I think it's because I only do the one class, at random times, and am not a "regular." And that old dude, man, with the judgy eyes. I'm done with him. I might have spent some money for which I didn't get a class (I think I have 2 or 3 left on my "punchcard") but as our old friend Tess would say, it's a sunk cost. It's spent, whether or not I get anything from it. And it wasn't much. Some of the classes only cost $6 -- for an hour and 15 minute class! Bargain.
I don't know if I'll find another studio or not. Yoga is actually meant as singular meditation, after all. I like learning new poses and experiencing the kindness of yoga teachers, but... eh. I did just start receiving Yoga Journal. It's all organic and new-age and makes me feel like a bit of a faker. ;)
Today I'm bored with our weather, too! It has been gray and rainy for 4 days straight! Normally I like the moody feel of those kinds of days, and I will say it feels awfully wintery (except that the temps today will be in the high 60s), but I'm ready for some variety. It can get cold, but we need the sun once in a while.
Perhaps this last paragraph helps explain my general mood! Ha.
I suppose I could DO MY WORK, but that's just too sad. No, I'm kidding -- in fact, I have a ton of work that needs doing, and none of it is terrible or awful. But I do like a good click-fest between projects, and Facebook, Twitter, my feed reader and my email just aren't doing it for me anymore. I do Instagram and Happier on my phone; they're good for a minute or two. Pinterest.... meh. I'm bored with it. The same people post the same recipes over and over, and I got to where I couldn't look at the decor or home-improvement stuff any longer because it made me feel bad about myself. There, I said it.
I used to also spend a lot of clicky time on Sparkpeople, but again, it got to be less motivational and more depressing. Maybe I'll pop over there later and see if I can kick my butt into gear. I have been using the Fitbit again, and meeting my 5,000 steps goal - woo! - after Swistle's inspirational post about it. Maybe after a few more successful days I will officially increase the goal to 6,000. And then further still, after that.
I still want to DO yoga, but I think I'm finished with the studio I have been attending. I've just never felt overly welcomed there. I think it's because I only do the one class, at random times, and am not a "regular." And that old dude, man, with the judgy eyes. I'm done with him. I might have spent some money for which I didn't get a class (I think I have 2 or 3 left on my "punchcard") but as our old friend Tess would say, it's a sunk cost. It's spent, whether or not I get anything from it. And it wasn't much. Some of the classes only cost $6 -- for an hour and 15 minute class! Bargain.
I don't know if I'll find another studio or not. Yoga is actually meant as singular meditation, after all. I like learning new poses and experiencing the kindness of yoga teachers, but... eh. I did just start receiving Yoga Journal. It's all organic and new-age and makes me feel like a bit of a faker. ;)
Today I'm bored with our weather, too! It has been gray and rainy for 4 days straight! Normally I like the moody feel of those kinds of days, and I will say it feels awfully wintery (except that the temps today will be in the high 60s), but I'm ready for some variety. It can get cold, but we need the sun once in a while.
Perhaps this last paragraph helps explain my general mood! Ha.
Tuesday, November 26
More thankful
I went back just now, through the archives of my own blog, and found my Jan 1, 2013 post. Here's what it says:
So there's sleep.
Plus, I've been capturing little moments in the Happier app since February. It's a wonderful way to count blessings, and counting blessings -- even just the smallest things like "wearing a scarf I like" -- changes you. It does. You notice those things more. In the app, you even want to take little pictures of them. (Kate always scoffs at my photo library: "WHY do you have a picture of your Starbucks cup, MOM? That's so weird." Haha! She's only five.) So that feels like some of the "light" I was wishing for, back in January.
And I've definitely been asking for spiritual help lately, with Kate's little tantrums and attitude testing me. I pray over her every chance I get, and over her brother. "Please help her be kind. Please be with her, in her heart." "Please give him patience. Let him know he's loved and cherished." But also for me, "Help me know what to do." That one a lot. One of our parish deacons (the one I like best, and found out recently he's a Franciscan, so no wonder) gave a homily this past Sunday, and said we all need at least "one humiliation each day," because it keeps us going to God. It's a pretty smart theory, and I've certainly been getting mine.
Anyway, I've been dying to write something about the Thanksgiving holiday, but haven't at all been motivated, until I saw the January post. I think I've accomplished some of those things, and I'm glad. Here's hoping I can continue to be even more thankful all this holiday weekend, and through stressful December.
In 2013 I'm hoping to just move more lightly through the days.... I don't want to focus on the details all the time. I'd rather see the big things -- love, joy, dedication -- in the forefront, and the rest -- work projects, stress about commitments, etc. -- just background noise.I don't know if it's reflected here, but I think I have managed to do that, a little bit, in 2013. It's partly because, I will freely admit, I've gotten more sleep this year. Not only has KT been better about not waking me up at night, but also, Shawn and I have made a bigger effort to get to bed in the 10 o'clock hour as much as we can. (I hate "not only/but also," by the way. I employ one writer who overuses it and I have come to think it's the worst grammar convention in the history of writing.)
So there's sleep.
Plus, I've been capturing little moments in the Happier app since February. It's a wonderful way to count blessings, and counting blessings -- even just the smallest things like "wearing a scarf I like" -- changes you. It does. You notice those things more. In the app, you even want to take little pictures of them. (Kate always scoffs at my photo library: "WHY do you have a picture of your Starbucks cup, MOM? That's so weird." Haha! She's only five.) So that feels like some of the "light" I was wishing for, back in January.
And I've definitely been asking for spiritual help lately, with Kate's little tantrums and attitude testing me. I pray over her every chance I get, and over her brother. "Please help her be kind. Please be with her, in her heart." "Please give him patience. Let him know he's loved and cherished." But also for me, "Help me know what to do." That one a lot. One of our parish deacons (the one I like best, and found out recently he's a Franciscan, so no wonder) gave a homily this past Sunday, and said we all need at least "one humiliation each day," because it keeps us going to God. It's a pretty smart theory, and I've certainly been getting mine.
Anyway, I've been dying to write something about the Thanksgiving holiday, but haven't at all been motivated, until I saw the January post. I think I've accomplished some of those things, and I'm glad. Here's hoping I can continue to be even more thankful all this holiday weekend, and through stressful December.
Wednesday, November 20
She was probably sick; and a yoga update
So, Kate came home from school at noon yesterday feeling cruddy. She did a lot of sleeping, and coughing. She was likely feeling cruddy all weekend (Sunday, when her whining was a day-long affair) and Monday morning, which prompted my last post.
Don't I feel like an idiot.
Oh well, nothing to be done for it now. I tried one of the calm, hug-it-out, talk about it techniques this morning with success... the first time. The second tantrum, 5 minutes later, sent me into a rage. I realize this whole thing is likely my problem, not even hers. I'll have a large guilt, please. Hold the self-loathing. If this becomes the go-to technique, then it only took me five and three-quarter years to figure out my own child. Yay?
Anyway, a good sweat would help me feel better so I'm off to yoga today. It's been so long that I'm nervous again, just like the first time I went. Stupid. I hope that guy isn't there. I've always seen him on Fridays; I hope he only goes once a week and not twice. Ugh.
Don't I feel like an idiot.
Oh well, nothing to be done for it now. I tried one of the calm, hug-it-out, talk about it techniques this morning with success... the first time. The second tantrum, 5 minutes later, sent me into a rage. I realize this whole thing is likely my problem, not even hers. I'll have a large guilt, please. Hold the self-loathing. If this becomes the go-to technique, then it only took me five and three-quarter years to figure out my own child. Yay?
Anyway, a good sweat would help me feel better so I'm off to yoga today. It's been so long that I'm nervous again, just like the first time I went. Stupid. I hope that guy isn't there. I've always seen him on Fridays; I hope he only goes once a week and not twice. Ugh.
Monday, November 18
Wrong side of the bed
Today's not the first time I've cried on a Monday morning, when my manager/friend walked in and asked, "How are you?"
Unfortunately, I was not that great.
Unfortunately, KT and I experienced our morning friction again today.
Has it been a while? Maybe. I mean, we've talked before about how she isn't a morning person. Thankfully, we haven't fought very much about bedtime since Kindergarten started. Lately she's been grouchy about wanting to lie down on the couch, NOT THE CHAIR, when we come downstairs for morning snuggles. Lord forbid if Alex makes it to the couch before her. But she's somehow been able to get over it, and hasn't gotten flipped out over the lights being TOO BRIGHT in quite a while.
Until today. Really, we spent most of yesterday (Sunday) in a heightened state of emotion, too. She was mad at me about every little thing. Nothing was going her way and she made that known.
Always, after these tantrums, I feel two things: 1. Ashamed, at the things I think (and sometimes the things I say), in response to her lashing out; and my inability to handle it with more patience and calm. But I mean, good grief, should I also have to be spoken to disrespectfully by my child?? No, I should NOT. 2. Guilt, that I've let it go this long and she's still acting this way. Is it because I don't have (make) the time to help her get through it with "emotional intelligence (see link below)?" Or time to discipline her properly? I've thought that "ignore, ignore" was the Number One Rule... but maybe that's also known as "Letting her Get Away With It." She's five and a half... Tantrums should have long ended, shouldn't they have? At least tantrums this big? I don't know.
I don't want us to punish her harshly, because she feels everything very deeply, from the initial reactions that get her ramped up, all the way to deep remorse. Often in the last 3 months, she's sobbed, "I don't want to be a bad person..." which just.... you can imagine what that does to a mama's heart.
We can't NOT discipline her, though, can we? I always run to the Internet or a book and further convince myself that I'm doing it all wrong, even though I know in my head that isn't true, and that every parent just does the best they can, and it's good enough. It IS.
I hate it for Alex, because it's not fair to him that she forces my full attention on her all the time; it's simply not fair. Even though he's older and doesn't need me as much, I know that too... but he's so like me and averse to conflict that he'll often give up whatever it is she's fighting for, just to avoid the hassle. What does that teach her? And yet, I don't blame him; it's what I do, myself. So I've definitely taught her, "Scream, and you'll eventually get your way." Not in every instance, but in some of them. I'm sorry for that. I don't believe in bratty kids, I swear. Would you believe me if you watched us from afar? And how do I turn it around now?
What's the natural consequence for acting out in the morning? You have to eat your breakfast alone in the dining room, instead of with Alex in the kitchen? (She'll scream that she's scared to be alone.) You must not want your breakfast; let's just go get dressed and you can have a granola bar on the way to school. ("You don't even want to FEED ME, Mommy? You don't even LOVE ME!" Believe me, this is what will transpire.) The next morning, you have to wake up with an alarm clock instead of Mommy so nicely waking you up?
Or, what can I start taking away that she will give a rip about? all TV? (which punishes Alex as well). Dessert? Sweets and Snacks? It's not immediate so she won't see the logic. She doesn't care that much about her toys and again, not immediate unless it's a specific situation)
How do I help her learn that she cannot always have her way? We played a board game yesterday and she flipped the board, mad when I pulled a card that she wanted. Yeah, she's that kid. It was CandyLand -- the game meant to teach 3-year-olds about winning and losing. I tried to gently tell her that we can't win every time -- as I have since we started playing games with the kids -- but it fell on deaf ears.
If we up her bedtime because she's just not getting enough sleep (I guess this is possible), she'll have to go to bed at 7:00 (that would give her 11 hours). I honestly don't think I can make that work.
I've come out with so many different "New House Rules" charts and "Kate's Behavior Chart"s over the years that I doubt they have any effect at this point.
I like what I read in the link above, and she does seem to respond to that type of helping behavior... I WANT to acknowledge her emotions every time and say, "There, there, I know you're mad/sad, and I'm here, you're safe. Let's talk about it -- you can tell me about why you're scared or upset." Is that the right thing to do? Or is it just babying the baby? Giving her attention when that's exactly what she wants?
I don't know which.
p.s. I know. I KNOW that everything's okay and I'm doing the best I can, and she's fine and she'll BE fine. I know, really. I love her and I love being a parent. It helps me sort out the difficult emotions and ideas, and to vent my frustrations, by writing it all here.
Unfortunately, I was not that great.
Unfortunately, KT and I experienced our morning friction again today.
Has it been a while? Maybe. I mean, we've talked before about how she isn't a morning person. Thankfully, we haven't fought very much about bedtime since Kindergarten started. Lately she's been grouchy about wanting to lie down on the couch, NOT THE CHAIR, when we come downstairs for morning snuggles. Lord forbid if Alex makes it to the couch before her. But she's somehow been able to get over it, and hasn't gotten flipped out over the lights being TOO BRIGHT in quite a while.
Until today. Really, we spent most of yesterday (Sunday) in a heightened state of emotion, too. She was mad at me about every little thing. Nothing was going her way and she made that known.
Always, after these tantrums, I feel two things: 1. Ashamed, at the things I think (and sometimes the things I say), in response to her lashing out; and my inability to handle it with more patience and calm. But I mean, good grief, should I also have to be spoken to disrespectfully by my child?? No, I should NOT. 2. Guilt, that I've let it go this long and she's still acting this way. Is it because I don't have (make) the time to help her get through it with "emotional intelligence (see link below)?" Or time to discipline her properly? I've thought that "ignore, ignore" was the Number One Rule... but maybe that's also known as "Letting her Get Away With It." She's five and a half... Tantrums should have long ended, shouldn't they have? At least tantrums this big? I don't know.
I don't want us to punish her harshly, because she feels everything very deeply, from the initial reactions that get her ramped up, all the way to deep remorse. Often in the last 3 months, she's sobbed, "I don't want to be a bad person..." which just.... you can imagine what that does to a mama's heart.
We can't NOT discipline her, though, can we? I always run to the Internet or a book and further convince myself that I'm doing it all wrong, even though I know in my head that isn't true, and that every parent just does the best they can, and it's good enough. It IS.
I hate it for Alex, because it's not fair to him that she forces my full attention on her all the time; it's simply not fair. Even though he's older and doesn't need me as much, I know that too... but he's so like me and averse to conflict that he'll often give up whatever it is she's fighting for, just to avoid the hassle. What does that teach her? And yet, I don't blame him; it's what I do, myself. So I've definitely taught her, "Scream, and you'll eventually get your way." Not in every instance, but in some of them. I'm sorry for that. I don't believe in bratty kids, I swear. Would you believe me if you watched us from afar? And how do I turn it around now?
What's the natural consequence for acting out in the morning? You have to eat your breakfast alone in the dining room, instead of with Alex in the kitchen? (She'll scream that she's scared to be alone.) You must not want your breakfast; let's just go get dressed and you can have a granola bar on the way to school. ("You don't even want to FEED ME, Mommy? You don't even LOVE ME!" Believe me, this is what will transpire.) The next morning, you have to wake up with an alarm clock instead of Mommy so nicely waking you up?
Or, what can I start taking away that she will give a rip about? all TV? (which punishes Alex as well). Dessert? Sweets and Snacks? It's not immediate so she won't see the logic. She doesn't care that much about her toys and again, not immediate unless it's a specific situation)
How do I help her learn that she cannot always have her way? We played a board game yesterday and she flipped the board, mad when I pulled a card that she wanted. Yeah, she's that kid. It was CandyLand -- the game meant to teach 3-year-olds about winning and losing. I tried to gently tell her that we can't win every time -- as I have since we started playing games with the kids -- but it fell on deaf ears.
If we up her bedtime because she's just not getting enough sleep (I guess this is possible), she'll have to go to bed at 7:00 (that would give her 11 hours). I honestly don't think I can make that work.
I've come out with so many different "New House Rules" charts and "Kate's Behavior Chart"s over the years that I doubt they have any effect at this point.
I like what I read in the link above, and she does seem to respond to that type of helping behavior... I WANT to acknowledge her emotions every time and say, "There, there, I know you're mad/sad, and I'm here, you're safe. Let's talk about it -- you can tell me about why you're scared or upset." Is that the right thing to do? Or is it just babying the baby? Giving her attention when that's exactly what she wants?
I don't know which.
p.s. I know. I KNOW that everything's okay and I'm doing the best I can, and she's fine and she'll BE fine. I know, really. I love her and I love being a parent. It helps me sort out the difficult emotions and ideas, and to vent my frustrations, by writing it all here.
Wednesday, November 13
A few ideas
I kinda would like to have some sort of celebration this summer.
I think my DH appreciates knowing these things, and being given a few ideas. I know it's not even Christmas yet -- I haven't given any ideas for Christmas (we're maybe skipping gifts this year). But I thought I'd put a bug in someone's ear. A
F O R T I E T H
birthday is happening on a Wednesday in June 2014.
Here are the few ideas. We mustn't do all of them; I'd be thrilled with one:
Of course for HIS 40th, Kate had pneumonia, I think we ate dinner at home, and I tried to frost a cake myself, which was cakewrecks.com worthy. Truly pathetic. :/ Not sure how to reconcile my guilt about that (he did have a surprise 35th), but I'll have to think about it another time. Hitting Publish before I wimp out....
I think my DH appreciates knowing these things, and being given a few ideas. I know it's not even Christmas yet -- I haven't given any ideas for Christmas (we're maybe skipping gifts this year). But I thought I'd put a bug in someone's ear. A
F O R T I E T H
birthday is happening on a Wednesday in June 2014.
Here are the few ideas. We mustn't do all of them; I'd be thrilled with one:
- A bottle of Veuve Cliquot
- or a small family fondue or some-other-atypical party (maybe at the Melting Pot)
- or a nice-sized party at our house (I'll even help cook and clean)
- or a surprise party (wherein I do NOT have to help cook and clean) ;) -- is it a surprise if you ask for it?
- or a weekend getaway, just the two of us?
- or a day-trip or 1- or 2-night family trip somewhere fun/unusual/interesting?
Of course for HIS 40th, Kate had pneumonia, I think we ate dinner at home, and I tried to frost a cake myself, which was cakewrecks.com worthy. Truly pathetic. :/ Not sure how to reconcile my guilt about that (he did have a surprise 35th), but I'll have to think about it another time. Hitting Publish before I wimp out....
Thursday, November 7
Sick day
Tuesday, because Alex had a 101.5 fever the day before, and because the fourth grade at his school is plagued this week, meriting a typed letter from the school nurse to remind us of the 24-hour rule (fever-free, WITHOUT fever-reducing medicine, they said emphatically).... we stayed home. Seriously, 21 kids out of his class of 54 felled by strep or flu or virus or sinuses!
In retrospect, he probably had a fever Sunday and Monday, too, but I assumed he was just tired from his Cub Scout trip. Whoops. He wasn't really complaining, as I'm told boys sometimes don't do. The fever was gone by the time he woke up Tuesday, of course. He stayed in his jammies and I did a very reckless thing and didn't go to the office to get my laptop. Just took a day. I checked my email one time only and didn't even respond.
It was lovely.
I made 2 lasagnas for the freezer, before noon. Yes, I have been praising the pre-fab ones recently, but I do love to give food to new mamas and sick people, and I'm involved in a current opportunity for that. (One lasagna is for us, however.) It was relaxing to just cook like I had all the time in the world - no dinnertime bearing down on me! I did all the laundry I could find. Used up my last dryer sheet, even! He played on the computer, worked on a social studies project due next week, watched some (really terrible) TV. Cartoon Network needs to go home. Cartoon Network, you are very drunk.
After lunch we agreed to read/rest for 1 hour. He read Boys' Life magazine without complaint. At first he was reading it aloud to me every little bit but then we settled in, and he was working a crossword or puzzle of some sort, and I finished my book, and tried to fall asleep on the couch. Such a nice silence, together. The lights were off, just soft daylight through the blinds. This kid is so easygoing. I think he needed that quiet time, too. He's a lot like me in a lot of ways.
We played cards. I taught him Gin Rummy (what I know of it), and he taught me a game called "Trash," which is fun, too. Then we played an interminable game of War (they always are) in the afternoon sunshine at our kitchen table. Then we went to pick up Kate at school.
I want to box up and wrap the memory of our nice sick day together. :)
In retrospect, he probably had a fever Sunday and Monday, too, but I assumed he was just tired from his Cub Scout trip. Whoops. He wasn't really complaining, as I'm told boys sometimes don't do. The fever was gone by the time he woke up Tuesday, of course. He stayed in his jammies and I did a very reckless thing and didn't go to the office to get my laptop. Just took a day. I checked my email one time only and didn't even respond.
It was lovely.
I made 2 lasagnas for the freezer, before noon. Yes, I have been praising the pre-fab ones recently, but I do love to give food to new mamas and sick people, and I'm involved in a current opportunity for that. (One lasagna is for us, however.) It was relaxing to just cook like I had all the time in the world - no dinnertime bearing down on me! I did all the laundry I could find. Used up my last dryer sheet, even! He played on the computer, worked on a social studies project due next week, watched some (really terrible) TV. Cartoon Network needs to go home. Cartoon Network, you are very drunk.
After lunch we agreed to read/rest for 1 hour. He read Boys' Life magazine without complaint. At first he was reading it aloud to me every little bit but then we settled in, and he was working a crossword or puzzle of some sort, and I finished my book, and tried to fall asleep on the couch. Such a nice silence, together. The lights were off, just soft daylight through the blinds. This kid is so easygoing. I think he needed that quiet time, too. He's a lot like me in a lot of ways.
We played cards. I taught him Gin Rummy (what I know of it), and he taught me a game called "Trash," which is fun, too. Then we played an interminable game of War (they always are) in the afternoon sunshine at our kitchen table. Then we went to pick up Kate at school.
I want to box up and wrap the memory of our nice sick day together. :)
Monday, November 4
So I'll remember
I don't do photo albums much anymore. I feel extreme guilt about it. I really, truly want to do photobooks, and maybe I should make a goal of catching up in 2014. But at least I will have snapshots in words to help me look back at the beautiful things in my life.
- Kate losing her first tooth. We're (Mom and I) hanging out in the kitchen on Saturday, she's watching TV in the den. She calmly walks over to us and says,"Look what I did." And shows me a tiny little bloody tooth in her hand. Her purple and pink tooth pillow had JUST arrived the day before from Etsy. Whew!
- Alex and Shawn going on yet another Cub Scout campout. This time on an aircraft carrier, the Yorktown, where they slept in bunks stacked 4 high, with barely enough room to roll over between them. Might have been better than sleeping in a tent, but not much. I know they're going to treasure the memories they made together in Charleston, even if the time spent there wasn't all roses and unicorns (or, in their case, it wasn't all gunfire demonstrations or cool programming or soft mattresses). I know that this time with his dad is the best foundation for Alex's heart and will make him an amazing man and (hopefully) father one day, too. I can't wait to see the seeds Shawn's planting someday grow big and strong.
- I mean, I CAN wait. Slow down, time. But it will be a satisfying sight.
- Another volleyball state championship game for my cousin, Amber, a junior. This year, it was a loss. (Last year, a win.) Seeing her all grown up, but still so young. High school doesn't feel that long ago when I'm there, and I know it won't be long before my kids are in that amazing time of their lives, too -- it's one long mind- and time-warp-trip, going to her games. It felt appropriate that she had to learn the agony of defeat this year. Tough on her, but made me proud of her. And here's hoping her senior year brings a come-from-behind, satisfying victory.
- Quiet afternoons with MY Dad, doing our 'project' -- a word that has bonded us since childhood, when he'd wake me on a Saturday with "Lee... got a project for ya..." -- in the very definition of a companionable silence. (We painted the deck rails.) The fall sunlight was perfect and there was even a nice breeze sometimes, and we shared a comment here or there, about a dog barking, or about Kate wandering off to play with the neighbors, or about our paint running out. It was hard work, on one hand, and easy work on the other hand. Something about the meditative action of painting, too -- whitewashing -- was calming. I enjoyed being in those moments, so much.
- Kitchen table with my Mom. There's nothing better. Our adult friendship is built on the kitchen tables.
- Easy, but big, beautiful family dinners. I mean, a frozen lasagna. A Caesar salad. Garlic bread. There's nothing fancy about it, but for sure pulling the extra leaf out from under the table, and gathering around it, is one of life's biggest blessings.
Thursday, October 31
Halloween things, and scarier things
Two things:
I have never liked dressing up for Halloween, as an adult. Maybe I did too much dressing up as a teen in community theater? Maybe I thought I didn't have any good ideas (and wasn't willing to spend $29)? Maybe I didn't think I could pull off the sexy-whatever that seems to be the norm for adult women costumes (definitely)...I don't know why.
But this year my office has a new HR manager, and a real need for some morale-boosting (it's just been a crummy few years with no social events at all), and so we're actually having a costume contest. And it's actually really fun. I'm Minnie Mouse. I already had a headband with the ears and the red bow from our last Disney trip, and I just safety-pinned white felt polka-dots onto a red t-shirt. Easy! (I also bought white gloves but it's awfully hard to type in them!)
The best part was Kate telling me this morning, "Everyone is going to love your costume, Mommy!" :) Awww. Made my day.
In previous jobs I've had, there were always the few people who dressed up, but everyone looked sideways at those weirdos. Without an official invitation, I never was motivated to do so myself. I'm glad of the planned requirement, this year.
Around the office, we have Rainbow Brite, a cowgirl, a "devil in a blue dress," (clever), a zombie, a guy wearing an Afro wig who says he's Bob Ross (love), a fortune teller, some other creative things, and several bah-humbugs who aren't dressed at all. The ones whose religions prevent them from celebrating Halloween (Jehovah's Witnesses, we have a few), I'll give a pass -- but the regular ol' people who just didn't feel like it, I'm now scowling in your general direction. Even though I used to be one of you.
---
Much scarier than Halloween, is the fact that at my kids' Catholic school now, they are having Intruder Drills along with Fire Drills and Tornado Drills. "Intruder Drills are where you have to HIDE, Mommy," Kate says in her 5-year-old, doesn't-even-know-what-"intruder"-means voice. She prefers the restroom to the closet, she says, and is glad Ms. Lane brings a flashlight.
I just can't... this is so incredibly sad. Leaves me feeling entirely hopeless for our world.
I have never liked dressing up for Halloween, as an adult. Maybe I did too much dressing up as a teen in community theater? Maybe I thought I didn't have any good ideas (and wasn't willing to spend $29)? Maybe I didn't think I could pull off the sexy-whatever that seems to be the norm for adult women costumes (definitely)...I don't know why.
But this year my office has a new HR manager, and a real need for some morale-boosting (it's just been a crummy few years with no social events at all), and so we're actually having a costume contest. And it's actually really fun. I'm Minnie Mouse. I already had a headband with the ears and the red bow from our last Disney trip, and I just safety-pinned white felt polka-dots onto a red t-shirt. Easy! (I also bought white gloves but it's awfully hard to type in them!)
The best part was Kate telling me this morning, "Everyone is going to love your costume, Mommy!" :) Awww. Made my day.
In previous jobs I've had, there were always the few people who dressed up, but everyone looked sideways at those weirdos. Without an official invitation, I never was motivated to do so myself. I'm glad of the planned requirement, this year.
Around the office, we have Rainbow Brite, a cowgirl, a "devil in a blue dress," (clever), a zombie, a guy wearing an Afro wig who says he's Bob Ross (love), a fortune teller, some other creative things, and several bah-humbugs who aren't dressed at all. The ones whose religions prevent them from celebrating Halloween (Jehovah's Witnesses, we have a few), I'll give a pass -- but the regular ol' people who just didn't feel like it, I'm now scowling in your general direction. Even though I used to be one of you.
---
Much scarier than Halloween, is the fact that at my kids' Catholic school now, they are having Intruder Drills along with Fire Drills and Tornado Drills. "Intruder Drills are where you have to HIDE, Mommy," Kate says in her 5-year-old, doesn't-even-know-what-"intruder"-means voice. She prefers the restroom to the closet, she says, and is glad Ms. Lane brings a flashlight.
I just can't... this is so incredibly sad. Leaves me feeling entirely hopeless for our world.
Tuesday, October 29
Flavorful!
I made jambalaya for dinner last night. It turned out pretty darn tasty. Wasn't as amazing as the jambalaya recipe that my parents and Uncle are currently using, but still had that delicious, unmistakable Cajun flavor, and what seemed like a lot of healthy vegetables so it was virtuous. It calls for a 1-lb. can of whole tomatoes, among other things. Lycopene for the win!
I made mine with shrimp, ham and brown rice. You can also do oysters, but why would you? The parents'/Uncle's recipe has chicken and andouille sausage, I think, but this easy recipe (from Great Aunt Lou) doesn't.
Only thing I didn't have was a nice loaf of French bread. Darn. Probably saved myself 600 calories, though.
I can't wait to have the leftovers for lunch tomorrow. (Didn't bring them today because of eating the same thing 2 days in a row. It's just not right.)
The kids tried it and both said, with eyebrows raised as if surprised, "That's pretty good!" As I tell them every time I make something Cajun, "Good, you'll be seeing it again."
----
Although, it's funny about "family" recipes. I think a lot of people who have nothing at all to do with Louisiana make Cajun dishes like jambalaya. They might even call them "family favorites." The millions of cooking websites and recipe Pins and cooking shows these days -- not to mention the availability of ingredients -- makes it possible to have anything you want as a "family" recipe. You like Pad Thai? It's easy. Want some Indian curry and Naan? Got that. Authentic Polish kielbasa something-or-other? I bet there's a crock-pot version.
It makes the special recipes a little less unique, I think, which is kind-of sad. It also dilutes the family "norm," because in any given week, we could have pasta, sitr-fry, pulled pork, and chorizo quesadillas. We're diluted on heritage -- we're not Italian in any way, nor Chinese, nor Mexican. (I guess pulled pork BBQ's the only thing we can legitimately claim, as Georgians.) But we're always big on flavor. :)
I made mine with shrimp, ham and brown rice. You can also do oysters, but why would you? The parents'/Uncle's recipe has chicken and andouille sausage, I think, but this easy recipe (from Great Aunt Lou) doesn't.
Only thing I didn't have was a nice loaf of French bread. Darn. Probably saved myself 600 calories, though.
I can't wait to have the leftovers for lunch tomorrow. (Didn't bring them today because of eating the same thing 2 days in a row. It's just not right.)
The kids tried it and both said, with eyebrows raised as if surprised, "That's pretty good!" As I tell them every time I make something Cajun, "Good, you'll be seeing it again."
----
Although, it's funny about "family" recipes. I think a lot of people who have nothing at all to do with Louisiana make Cajun dishes like jambalaya. They might even call them "family favorites." The millions of cooking websites and recipe Pins and cooking shows these days -- not to mention the availability of ingredients -- makes it possible to have anything you want as a "family" recipe. You like Pad Thai? It's easy. Want some Indian curry and Naan? Got that. Authentic Polish kielbasa something-or-other? I bet there's a crock-pot version.
It makes the special recipes a little less unique, I think, which is kind-of sad. It also dilutes the family "norm," because in any given week, we could have pasta, sitr-fry, pulled pork, and chorizo quesadillas. We're diluted on heritage -- we're not Italian in any way, nor Chinese, nor Mexican. (I guess pulled pork BBQ's the only thing we can legitimately claim, as Georgians.) But we're always big on flavor. :)
Wednesday, October 23
Don't look at her
Let me tell you what volunteering in Kate's classroom has been like, so far. [So Fun.]
I went in last week to help the new computer lab teacher with the Kindergarteners. I didn't do much prep-work for this event with Kate; the day before, I mentioned it to her. It was going to be 45 minutes or an hour -- a convenient lunch-hour for me -- and I wanted to give her fair warning but didn't think we needed to discuss it at great length. She knows I go over to school once in a while to do little "jobs." But when I told her, I definitely got A Look. It wasn't the teenage eyeroll you're thinking, but it was close. There was a hint of, "Are you kidding me?" (the sarcastic version), and just a touch of "I'm revolted by the thought," too. Clearly the Kindergarten classroom is her very own domain and she does not want Mommy coming in there to mess it all up. (Or, she doesn't want me to see how WELL-BEHAVED she can actually be....)
When I saw her coming into the computer classroom, she nearly stopped right in line to GAPE at me, like, "Really? You actually ARE here?" and she kind-of wrinkled up her nose like something smelled bad. Talk about funny. I made SURE not to talk to her much during the class. Instead I took it as an opportunity to meet some of her friends. (And of course, to observe the wide variety of computer skills that a group of 28 mostly-privileged white kids displays -- it was so interesting. Some can navigate through a SurveyMonkey questionnaire with just a little bit of reading help by the teacher, clicking here and there and having no trouble. Other kids track their mouse all over the table, trying to get the cursor back where it belongs, and unable to find "A" or "Enter" on the keyboard at all. Fascinating.)
Yesterday, I volunteered again, this time in the Library slash Scholastic Book Fair. Helping kids count out their money, now THAT'S fun. ;) Once again, Kate was not very happy to see me (at least on the outside). She did allow herself to whine to me a little bit, when she realized her $12 saved-up-allowance would only buy her 2 books, but at that point my hour was up and I had to leave. I made the mistake of calling her "Kate-Kate" on my way out. Her Kinderg. friends don't know that name -- just her Pre-K friends, who've known her and called her that since before they could all talk (awww). I apologized later for calling her that in front of people. Thankfully, she hadn't noticed or cared.
I'm not hurt by any of her antics, by the way. It's actually the best part of it. I do my best to react the right way, and not annoy her any further, and not incite her! It's so funny. Also of note, Alex used to totally LIGHT UP when I (infrequently) showed up at school. Makes me want to be there even MORE. I have another computer lab date next month, I think, and I signed up to be a "Mystery Reader" in January. HOW embarrassing, to have your mom READ (think I should do character voices??) to your class. Hahaha. I can't wait.
I went in last week to help the new computer lab teacher with the Kindergarteners. I didn't do much prep-work for this event with Kate; the day before, I mentioned it to her. It was going to be 45 minutes or an hour -- a convenient lunch-hour for me -- and I wanted to give her fair warning but didn't think we needed to discuss it at great length. She knows I go over to school once in a while to do little "jobs." But when I told her, I definitely got A Look. It wasn't the teenage eyeroll you're thinking, but it was close. There was a hint of, "Are you kidding me?" (the sarcastic version), and just a touch of "I'm revolted by the thought," too. Clearly the Kindergarten classroom is her very own domain and she does not want Mommy coming in there to mess it all up. (Or, she doesn't want me to see how WELL-BEHAVED she can actually be....)
When I saw her coming into the computer classroom, she nearly stopped right in line to GAPE at me, like, "Really? You actually ARE here?" and she kind-of wrinkled up her nose like something smelled bad. Talk about funny. I made SURE not to talk to her much during the class. Instead I took it as an opportunity to meet some of her friends. (And of course, to observe the wide variety of computer skills that a group of 28 mostly-privileged white kids displays -- it was so interesting. Some can navigate through a SurveyMonkey questionnaire with just a little bit of reading help by the teacher, clicking here and there and having no trouble. Other kids track their mouse all over the table, trying to get the cursor back where it belongs, and unable to find "A" or "Enter" on the keyboard at all. Fascinating.)
Yesterday, I volunteered again, this time in the Library slash Scholastic Book Fair. Helping kids count out their money, now THAT'S fun. ;) Once again, Kate was not very happy to see me (at least on the outside). She did allow herself to whine to me a little bit, when she realized her $12 saved-up-allowance would only buy her 2 books, but at that point my hour was up and I had to leave. I made the mistake of calling her "Kate-Kate" on my way out. Her Kinderg. friends don't know that name -- just her Pre-K friends, who've known her and called her that since before they could all talk (awww). I apologized later for calling her that in front of people. Thankfully, she hadn't noticed or cared.
I'm not hurt by any of her antics, by the way. It's actually the best part of it. I do my best to react the right way, and not annoy her any further, and not incite her! It's so funny. Also of note, Alex used to totally LIGHT UP when I (infrequently) showed up at school. Makes me want to be there even MORE. I have another computer lab date next month, I think, and I signed up to be a "Mystery Reader" in January. HOW embarrassing, to have your mom READ (think I should do character voices??) to your class. Hahaha. I can't wait.
Monday, October 21
Around the office
I can tell my co-worker/mgr is going to be grouchy today. Great. After such a nice weekend, too. Leo B. would say that her mood doesn't have to determine how I'm going to react. It's a "leaf falling" or a "bird flying by." I can't control it and there's no need to respond with equal grouchiness. I should instead try to respond with care for her. I should consider why she might be feeling that way, and then consider ways to show her compassion and kindness instead of feeding her bad mood by letting myself be negative, too.
Except I think I know why she's grouchy -- it's because it's Monday and she had to get out of BED, and she has a lot of TASKS to do at work today. And not enough time to do them. People demanding things of her. Same as the rest of us!! It's hard to feel sympathy when this is the reality.
Well. I don't want to sink into a crappy Monday. -Brisk clap!- I have rearranged my desk, did I mention it? In an attempt to alleviate what I still think is carpal tunnel in my left elbow, although a physical therapist has suggested otherwise (just in conversation, I haven't seen anyone officially)... I moved my computer out of the corner of my desk. I'm pretty sure I was extending the elbow in question farther than necessary so I could rest it on the desk. Very poor ergonimic technique. Now I don't have that option -- I must by necessity hover my wrists and elbows properly over the keyboard. I also have a nice footrest under my desk, so my short little legs can reach the ground. Moving the computer required that I basically redecorate. FUN! It's coming together. Isn't perfect yet, but it's nice to have a fresh perspective. It seems odd that something so small would make a big difference, but it does. I could use another lamp.
I don't have to tell you that we had another nice weekend, and now we've had a cool front and it feels like Actual Fall! We wore long sleeves and jeans to the corn maze (one goal accomplished: Shawn and I want to do MORE of these types of fun outings with the kiddos), and by the end of the evening we even needed sweaters. AND low temps are supposed to be in the 30s later this week. BRING IT! I need more pumpkin bread, more hot chocolate, and lots of Yankee Candles.
I've written this whole thing while my other (new) coworker has been talking to me through the cubicle wall. It's nice to have a buddy but sometimes I do need my whole brain to write things, even dumb blog posts like this one. I also just got up and walked around the building in the 50-degree morning. I feel 100% better about everything when I remember to do that. Maybe my mgr should try it.
Except I think I know why she's grouchy -- it's because it's Monday and she had to get out of BED, and she has a lot of TASKS to do at work today. And not enough time to do them. People demanding things of her. Same as the rest of us!! It's hard to feel sympathy when this is the reality.
Well. I don't want to sink into a crappy Monday. -Brisk clap!- I have rearranged my desk, did I mention it? In an attempt to alleviate what I still think is carpal tunnel in my left elbow, although a physical therapist has suggested otherwise (just in conversation, I haven't seen anyone officially)... I moved my computer out of the corner of my desk. I'm pretty sure I was extending the elbow in question farther than necessary so I could rest it on the desk. Very poor ergonimic technique. Now I don't have that option -- I must by necessity hover my wrists and elbows properly over the keyboard. I also have a nice footrest under my desk, so my short little legs can reach the ground. Moving the computer required that I basically redecorate. FUN! It's coming together. Isn't perfect yet, but it's nice to have a fresh perspective. It seems odd that something so small would make a big difference, but it does. I could use another lamp.
I don't have to tell you that we had another nice weekend, and now we've had a cool front and it feels like Actual Fall! We wore long sleeves and jeans to the corn maze (one goal accomplished: Shawn and I want to do MORE of these types of fun outings with the kiddos), and by the end of the evening we even needed sweaters. AND low temps are supposed to be in the 30s later this week. BRING IT! I need more pumpkin bread, more hot chocolate, and lots of Yankee Candles.
I've written this whole thing while my other (new) coworker has been talking to me through the cubicle wall. It's nice to have a buddy but sometimes I do need my whole brain to write things, even dumb blog posts like this one. I also just got up and walked around the building in the 50-degree morning. I feel 100% better about everything when I remember to do that. Maybe my mgr should try it.
Wednesday, October 16
Girl Scouts!
I've lost my motivation. All I feel like doing is reading stuff online, checking email to see if there's anything new from our Daisy Scouts troop leaders (EEE! Kate's going to be a Girl Scout and for some reason I've gotten really geeked about it!), and let's see, what else... NOT WORK.
I ordered her uniform vest and the official insignia items this morning. A TREFOIL pin! An American flag. A Troop number. I think I've said, I didn't love Girl Scouts myself - it was fine, but we weren't in it long enough to start to have feelings for it - but the history, the connection to my Mom, the international-ness of it makes me really, kind-of inexplicably happy that she wanted to join. I think I'm equally happy that the girls she talks about most as her new friends, K and C, are also joining. I hope we'll get to know them better. I am ready to invite them for playdates. Let's DO this girl thing!
Maybe it's because last night was the annual Cub Scout Halloween meeting/party. Balancing out all the black hooded capes and scary masks with a little Daisy color and girl-positivity, perhaps. By the way, in our school/collection of troops, Daisies don't sell cookies. Thank the Good Lord. That craziness will come in a year or two.
Okay, I suppose I have to get to it. Four articles and they all need to at least get started today. Ugh.
I ordered her uniform vest and the official insignia items this morning. A TREFOIL pin! An American flag. A Troop number. I think I've said, I didn't love Girl Scouts myself - it was fine, but we weren't in it long enough to start to have feelings for it - but the history, the connection to my Mom, the international-ness of it makes me really, kind-of inexplicably happy that she wanted to join. I think I'm equally happy that the girls she talks about most as her new friends, K and C, are also joining. I hope we'll get to know them better. I am ready to invite them for playdates. Let's DO this girl thing!
Maybe it's because last night was the annual Cub Scout Halloween meeting/party. Balancing out all the black hooded capes and scary masks with a little Daisy color and girl-positivity, perhaps. By the way, in our school/collection of troops, Daisies don't sell cookies. Thank the Good Lord. That craziness will come in a year or two.
Okay, I suppose I have to get to it. Four articles and they all need to at least get started today. Ugh.
Monday, October 14
October
I've been enjoying the private blog. There's no pressure to post. There wasn't MUCH pressure before, but I did hate to have the page linger with a week-old title on top. I've been too busy the last couple of weeks, though. Work has been pretty ridiculous. My days have had to be very planned out, down to the half-hour, to get all the important things done. I'm hopeful (but not convinced) that the worst of it is past.
Right now it's Monday morning, and the lights aren't turned on in the office yet. My little desk light is. Soon the other people will start arriving. I pray they'll turn on the AC; it was steamy when I arrived after a weekend of saving pennies, I guess. Today the task list is lighter so I feel like I can take a minute to write down a thought or several.
I went to yoga again last Friday. There's an older man in the class who is very scowl-y. His face is trying to ruin that class-time for me. I'm sure it's not intentional, but gosh, he makes me, personally, question myself. I don't know if he does the same to everyone, but he looks at me like, "What are you doing here?" ...I don't know! Geez, HELLO, Sir. Ugh. I think I only have 2 more "punches" on my purchase card, so that might be good. I'm wondering if a different studio would be better.
We had another really lovely weekend. (Or, I did, as I always feel compelled to clarify. Shawn did yardwork, and had to deal with a broken lawnmower halfway through. On the other hand, the weather was nice, so at least he got a dose of Vitamin D and fresh air. And on the other, other hand, it isn't like I was eating bon-bons; I did laundry, cleaned the bathroom, vacuumed, too. But these are the things that have to get done, yanno? It's all good, especially when the kids can entertain themselves a bit.)
Saturday was activities and errands -- I am still very proud of us for scheduling the kids' extra-curriculars at the same time Saturday morning, across the street from one another -- then I planted some fall pansies and mums. I was itching for a little new curb appeal. I'm pretty terrible at floral landscaping, but ya gotta give it the old college try. It makes me feel better to have the beds cleared out, at least. Shawn added a fun "graveyard" scene to make it Halloween-y. Then AJ went to a friend's house while I got my hair cut in the afternoon, and we all had a yummy pasta dinner on the patio at Macaroni Grill. Expensive-ish, but a beautiful night, well-behaved kids, and they ate their food. It's becoming less of a miracle when that happens.
Sunday I sang with the choir, then mostly piddled around the house after grocery shopping. I was wearing my tennis shoes, because I've discovered that piddling around on my hardwoods all day, in flip-flops or bare feet (my preference), makes my FEET HURT. So I wear tennis shoes in the house like an OLD LADY. Gah.
I made a Publix-brand frozen lasagna for dinner, and added it to the list of Dinners Everyone In Our House Will Eat! (At least, last night everyone ate it.) The kids were out in the yard with the neighbor-kids, until 6:30 pm. It is so nice. I have said before that our neighborhood is one of the reasons we are thinking of moving, but I have to keep in mind how rare it is, these days, for kids to be able to play out in the yard all day on a Sunday, with other kids close in age to themselves. Is it possible we would find this elsewhere? I don't know.
Speaking of the moving plans. Well, there's not much to report, other than we're starting to feel some, not pressure, but, urgency, to get the punch-list items done. Half the laundry room is painted. This week I really want to paint the bottom half, and the trim. I really want to get the deck sanded and stained, and the rails painted, right now while the weather's good. Then, our bathroom. Got to do that. I think if we accomplish those three big things, I'll feel pretty good.
Anyway, it's time to start work. I can't end before reminding myself how grateful I am that we live such a charmed life. I thought of that a few times this weekend. How lucky we are.
Right now it's Monday morning, and the lights aren't turned on in the office yet. My little desk light is. Soon the other people will start arriving. I pray they'll turn on the AC; it was steamy when I arrived after a weekend of saving pennies, I guess. Today the task list is lighter so I feel like I can take a minute to write down a thought or several.
I went to yoga again last Friday. There's an older man in the class who is very scowl-y. His face is trying to ruin that class-time for me. I'm sure it's not intentional, but gosh, he makes me, personally, question myself. I don't know if he does the same to everyone, but he looks at me like, "What are you doing here?" ...I don't know! Geez, HELLO, Sir. Ugh. I think I only have 2 more "punches" on my purchase card, so that might be good. I'm wondering if a different studio would be better.
We had another really lovely weekend. (Or, I did, as I always feel compelled to clarify. Shawn did yardwork, and had to deal with a broken lawnmower halfway through. On the other hand, the weather was nice, so at least he got a dose of Vitamin D and fresh air. And on the other, other hand, it isn't like I was eating bon-bons; I did laundry, cleaned the bathroom, vacuumed, too. But these are the things that have to get done, yanno? It's all good, especially when the kids can entertain themselves a bit.)
Saturday was activities and errands -- I am still very proud of us for scheduling the kids' extra-curriculars at the same time Saturday morning, across the street from one another -- then I planted some fall pansies and mums. I was itching for a little new curb appeal. I'm pretty terrible at floral landscaping, but ya gotta give it the old college try. It makes me feel better to have the beds cleared out, at least. Shawn added a fun "graveyard" scene to make it Halloween-y. Then AJ went to a friend's house while I got my hair cut in the afternoon, and we all had a yummy pasta dinner on the patio at Macaroni Grill. Expensive-ish, but a beautiful night, well-behaved kids, and they ate their food. It's becoming less of a miracle when that happens.
Sunday I sang with the choir, then mostly piddled around the house after grocery shopping. I was wearing my tennis shoes, because I've discovered that piddling around on my hardwoods all day, in flip-flops or bare feet (my preference), makes my FEET HURT. So I wear tennis shoes in the house like an OLD LADY. Gah.
I made a Publix-brand frozen lasagna for dinner, and added it to the list of Dinners Everyone In Our House Will Eat! (At least, last night everyone ate it.) The kids were out in the yard with the neighbor-kids, until 6:30 pm. It is so nice. I have said before that our neighborhood is one of the reasons we are thinking of moving, but I have to keep in mind how rare it is, these days, for kids to be able to play out in the yard all day on a Sunday, with other kids close in age to themselves. Is it possible we would find this elsewhere? I don't know.
Speaking of the moving plans. Well, there's not much to report, other than we're starting to feel some, not pressure, but, urgency, to get the punch-list items done. Half the laundry room is painted. This week I really want to paint the bottom half, and the trim. I really want to get the deck sanded and stained, and the rails painted, right now while the weather's good. Then, our bathroom. Got to do that. I think if we accomplish those three big things, I'll feel pretty good.
Anyway, it's time to start work. I can't end before reminding myself how grateful I am that we live such a charmed life. I thought of that a few times this weekend. How lucky we are.
Monday, September 30
Fresh air and family time
I got over my work-rage last week, I guess, but it remained a bit of a stressful few days. 4th grade is kicking our butts! "Our," meaning my family's, and also all of the 4th grade moms'. I'm glad it's widespread! There's a lot more homework than our kids are used to, and their teacher, whom they all love, has been on bed rest (pregnant) for the past 2.2 weeks, during which time they were given several tests and assigned a big science project. Timelines have been screwed up. Homework assignments not turned in. It's been rough, man.
On Tuesday, in addition, I realized I had completely borked up my left elbow. I think it was a carpal tunnel thing, radiating upwards. I was working on the aforementioned 600-line Excel file, for hours at a time, with my left fingers sort-of stretched out over the keyboard to reach both the numbers and the CTRL-key, and by Tuesday night I couldn't straighten my arm or turn it at all. Weirdness! Old-lady-ness! Creaky joints! It really hurt.
And by Friday, I think I was just run-down and I woke up with pain in the back of my throat, just like a cold coming on. I was already dosing up with Motrin and Advil for the elbow, but they didn't seem to be helping much with the aches and throat.
I don't know why I feel the need to document those things -- except maybe in the future, if I ever have such elbow pain again, I'll be able to find out how it finally went away** -- but there you have it.
However, a few excellent things happened, too, for which I am grateful.
Thursday afternoon, I had to cancel my Friday yoga plans with Ashley because of my elbow, but guess what? She was going to cancel, too, for work/other commitment reasons. Hoping we will go this Friday instead.
My parents arrived Thursday evening! AJ and KT were looking forward to it all week and I just loved hearing them say, "I can't WAIT 'til tomorrow! Grandmommy and Papa Joe will be here!!!" (And I was excited, too... I'm so lucky that I LIKE my parents, and I'm not just saying that because they are half the readers of my blog. Hee. I really do enjoy their company.)
Friday was my Mom's birthday so we went out to dinner and then had birthday cake. Well, actually I cut the cake, and then scooted off to a little wine-y get-together with the 4th-grade moms, at Ashley's house. Mom had made me promise not to change my plans. There were 6 of us and we gabbed and snacked until around 11:30. (Unfortunately, I was still slightly under-weathered, and the DayQuil mixed with the wine messed me up a bit. I slept sloshily and most of Saturday I felt off.)
But Saturday morning after activities, we managed a little picnic at the park. The fresh air was good for all of us, and a great excuse to leave the house. We whipped up some pasta salad and some tortilla wraps and everyone got a soda. :) Afterwards, I got laundry done and visited with the parents, while the kiddos played outside all afternoon. At one point, KT came in and whined, "I haven't been entertained ALL DAY." Hahahaha! She seemed fine to us! I let her watch some TV and I guess she got what she needed.
Sunday we went to Mass and to the grocery store, and then spent the afternoon in the kitchen. I made salsa, chocolate ice cream, spicy Chex mix and a chicken pot pie (with cream cheese!) that were all yummy. And we just talked and enjoyed each other -- the kids, again, were out in the fall neighborhood, running, breathing cool air, just like Norman Rockwell intended.
I do feel slightly terrible that Shawn was doing yard work all that time Sunday, and on Saturday he had been at a Cub Scouts obligation. I don't know how to reconcile those two days to him. What would he like best? That I take the kids next Saturday so he can do whatever he wants? That I hire a yard service so he doesn't have to do that ever again, particularly not while we have company? We could totally afford it... I just don't know. He just doesn't ever seem to get to relax on the weekends. I guess I don't relax toooo much, either, but it seems imbalanced.:/
**My friend Jackie from church used to work as a massage therapist at a chiropractor. She told me to massage two pressure points near the elbow that HURT when I first found them, but did help a LOT. She had me ice it for 20 minutes at a time, as well. Today it's perfect, no pain. I'm going to be more diligent about doing anti-carpel tunnel stretches every day. Might even massage those pressure points regularly. (Also for the throat: Listerine! Gargling!)
On Tuesday, in addition, I realized I had completely borked up my left elbow. I think it was a carpal tunnel thing, radiating upwards. I was working on the aforementioned 600-line Excel file, for hours at a time, with my left fingers sort-of stretched out over the keyboard to reach both the numbers and the CTRL-key, and by Tuesday night I couldn't straighten my arm or turn it at all. Weirdness! Old-lady-ness! Creaky joints! It really hurt.
And by Friday, I think I was just run-down and I woke up with pain in the back of my throat, just like a cold coming on. I was already dosing up with Motrin and Advil for the elbow, but they didn't seem to be helping much with the aches and throat.
I don't know why I feel the need to document those things -- except maybe in the future, if I ever have such elbow pain again, I'll be able to find out how it finally went away** -- but there you have it.
However, a few excellent things happened, too, for which I am grateful.
Thursday afternoon, I had to cancel my Friday yoga plans with Ashley because of my elbow, but guess what? She was going to cancel, too, for work/other commitment reasons. Hoping we will go this Friday instead.
My parents arrived Thursday evening! AJ and KT were looking forward to it all week and I just loved hearing them say, "I can't WAIT 'til tomorrow! Grandmommy and Papa Joe will be here!!!" (And I was excited, too... I'm so lucky that I LIKE my parents, and I'm not just saying that because they are half the readers of my blog. Hee. I really do enjoy their company.)
Friday was my Mom's birthday so we went out to dinner and then had birthday cake. Well, actually I cut the cake, and then scooted off to a little wine-y get-together with the 4th-grade moms, at Ashley's house. Mom had made me promise not to change my plans. There were 6 of us and we gabbed and snacked until around 11:30. (Unfortunately, I was still slightly under-weathered, and the DayQuil mixed with the wine messed me up a bit. I slept sloshily and most of Saturday I felt off.)
But Saturday morning after activities, we managed a little picnic at the park. The fresh air was good for all of us, and a great excuse to leave the house. We whipped up some pasta salad and some tortilla wraps and everyone got a soda. :) Afterwards, I got laundry done and visited with the parents, while the kiddos played outside all afternoon. At one point, KT came in and whined, "I haven't been entertained ALL DAY." Hahahaha! She seemed fine to us! I let her watch some TV and I guess she got what she needed.
Sunday we went to Mass and to the grocery store, and then spent the afternoon in the kitchen. I made salsa, chocolate ice cream, spicy Chex mix and a chicken pot pie (with cream cheese!) that were all yummy. And we just talked and enjoyed each other -- the kids, again, were out in the fall neighborhood, running, breathing cool air, just like Norman Rockwell intended.
I do feel slightly terrible that Shawn was doing yard work all that time Sunday, and on Saturday he had been at a Cub Scouts obligation. I don't know how to reconcile those two days to him. What would he like best? That I take the kids next Saturday so he can do whatever he wants? That I hire a yard service so he doesn't have to do that ever again, particularly not while we have company? We could totally afford it... I just don't know. He just doesn't ever seem to get to relax on the weekends. I guess I don't relax toooo much, either, but it seems imbalanced.:/
**My friend Jackie from church used to work as a massage therapist at a chiropractor. She told me to massage two pressure points near the elbow that HURT when I first found them, but did help a LOT. She had me ice it for 20 minutes at a time, as well. Today it's perfect, no pain. I'm going to be more diligent about doing anti-carpel tunnel stretches every day. Might even massage those pressure points regularly. (Also for the throat: Listerine! Gargling!)
Monday, September 23
Releasing Steam
You have to forgive me for this post in advance. I need to blow off some steam and my fingers are itching to POUND SOMETHING, which in this case happens to be my KEYBOARD. (ooohhh, so scary)
I think that PR is a fancy way of saying "SOMEONE DOING A LOT OF VERY MEANINGLESS AND IRRITATING WORK," but "NEVER THE PERSON WHO INSTIGATES IT." <<<< Official definition. I am sick to death of being the person that everyone asks to WRITE EVERYTHING. I mean, no.... grateful that they pay me to do something that comes naturally, etc. etc. but OMG. If one more person today sends me an email with bulleted things that need to be written, FOR THEM, by YESTERDAY, I'm going to throw something. And it's not just me. Every time there's a "PR OPPORTUNITY" we -- the peons, I guess -- have to do the writing, and the finding photos and the uploading thereof, and the sending out samples to whomever is asking for them, and the adding of the press release to OUR OWN website, too, and and and.
My company was given a "PR OPPORTUNITY" last week, naturally it's for October - last minute - and naturally the woman who called my boss said everything would be taken care of! We get a big ol' spread in their online magazine, plus 4 blog posts, plus social media to go with it! Awesome! Sounds like a great deal! Thank you very much and my boss signed us right up. And I KNEW... I knew it was too good to be true. No, it's not all provided for us, guess who is now being told she needs to write those 4 blog posts by yesterday?? Yes, that'd be me. On top of the 3 new assignments, one with an all-caps URGENT at the front of it, that my "other" manager handed down over the weekend. And the one stupid time-sucking assignment (uploading files) that my "actual" manager gave me that's due Wednesday. And let's just see, what else? A huge Excel file of 600 customer names that I have to rifle through manually, copy/pasting some additional columns in as I go, that will inevitably end with some of those same customers calling ME, unhappy with the outcome. And some introductory text to write by Wednesday for our product catalog, no pressure, and by the way, it's the same exact topic you've written four thousand times already, but could you do it in a UNIQUE way? This time? AGAGAHAHAHAHAHHh.
Today I am hating my job. Mondays, man.
I think that PR is a fancy way of saying "SOMEONE DOING A LOT OF VERY MEANINGLESS AND IRRITATING WORK," but "NEVER THE PERSON WHO INSTIGATES IT." <<<< Official definition. I am sick to death of being the person that everyone asks to WRITE EVERYTHING. I mean, no.... grateful that they pay me to do something that comes naturally, etc. etc. but OMG. If one more person today sends me an email with bulleted things that need to be written, FOR THEM, by YESTERDAY, I'm going to throw something. And it's not just me. Every time there's a "PR OPPORTUNITY" we -- the peons, I guess -- have to do the writing, and the finding photos and the uploading thereof, and the sending out samples to whomever is asking for them, and the adding of the press release to OUR OWN website, too, and and and.
My company was given a "PR OPPORTUNITY" last week, naturally it's for October - last minute - and naturally the woman who called my boss said everything would be taken care of! We get a big ol' spread in their online magazine, plus 4 blog posts, plus social media to go with it! Awesome! Sounds like a great deal! Thank you very much and my boss signed us right up. And I KNEW... I knew it was too good to be true. No, it's not all provided for us, guess who is now being told she needs to write those 4 blog posts by yesterday?? Yes, that'd be me. On top of the 3 new assignments, one with an all-caps URGENT at the front of it, that my "other" manager handed down over the weekend. And the one stupid time-sucking assignment (uploading files) that my "actual" manager gave me that's due Wednesday. And let's just see, what else? A huge Excel file of 600 customer names that I have to rifle through manually, copy/pasting some additional columns in as I go, that will inevitably end with some of those same customers calling ME, unhappy with the outcome. And some introductory text to write by Wednesday for our product catalog, no pressure, and by the way, it's the same exact topic you've written four thousand times already, but could you do it in a UNIQUE way? This time? AGAGAHAHAHAHAHHh.
Today I am hating my job. Mondays, man.
Friday, September 20
3rd Yoga class
Today the actual, scheduled yoga instructor led our class, and it was the best one yet (for me). It was no-nonsense, poses I knew, I felt more comfortable, yet still verrrry challenged, and the AC was on before class started so I didn't get as steamed up. Apparently the enjoyment of yoga for me depends very much on the temperature. But I was able to concentrate, stretch, do more push-ups than usual really relax in Savasana (or Shavasana? The internet spells it both ways), and there are poses I want to attempt/work on this week (for my own memory: fallen triangle, crane and side crane, and flipped Down Dog), so that next week I can attempt them in front of people.
The biggest challenge, really, is letting go of comparison to other people. It's a huge mental block if you let it linger. And you'll fall over faster if you don't focus on YOU. A little contrary to the Jesus-Others-You mentality that we're all told is correct (and it is), but on the mat, you just have to be in your own space, and do you own thing. That's why I've liked doing yoga in my own bedroom for all these years - it's impossible to compare yourself to others when there are no others there! But again, challenge is good when we do it gently and with kindness (the instructor said that today).
I was also glad there was no crying. :) But at the risk of getting totally touchy-feely on you, I am learning that you take what you need from yoga, and you GET what you need. Last week, I needed forgiveness. For me, for sassy last-week Kate, for being gentle as I was nervous and learning. This week, I needed a good stretch of my glutes, and to feel empowered, like I can DO THIS. And that's what I got.
Next week, I'm so excited, my friend Ashley asked to join me. Even though she and I have been friends for more than 4 years now, I still feel unusually happy when she asks me to do things, or acts like she "likes me." How silly is that? I have a friend. It's still surprising. I don't mean it in a pity-me way, just in a how-cool-that-this-has-worked-out way. :)
The biggest challenge, really, is letting go of comparison to other people. It's a huge mental block if you let it linger. And you'll fall over faster if you don't focus on YOU. A little contrary to the Jesus-Others-You mentality that we're all told is correct (and it is), but on the mat, you just have to be in your own space, and do you own thing. That's why I've liked doing yoga in my own bedroom for all these years - it's impossible to compare yourself to others when there are no others there! But again, challenge is good when we do it gently and with kindness (the instructor said that today).
I was also glad there was no crying. :) But at the risk of getting totally touchy-feely on you, I am learning that you take what you need from yoga, and you GET what you need. Last week, I needed forgiveness. For me, for sassy last-week Kate, for being gentle as I was nervous and learning. This week, I needed a good stretch of my glutes, and to feel empowered, like I can DO THIS. And that's what I got.
Next week, I'm so excited, my friend Ashley asked to join me. Even though she and I have been friends for more than 4 years now, I still feel unusually happy when she asks me to do things, or acts like she "likes me." How silly is that? I have a friend. It's still surprising. I don't mean it in a pity-me way, just in a how-cool-that-this-has-worked-out way. :)
Tuesday, September 17
Nicer
We had a better weekend, this past. Worked on Saturday, yes. Did the lessons and Cub Scouts and errands and laundry, and I think Shawn mowed the grass, bless him -- general running around. But Sunday we were determined to enjoy the day, after Mass.
We had "lunch" at Dunkin Donuts, which made the kids happy as you can imagine. When we got home, do you know what Shawn and I did? We changed clothes, I poured myself a Coke Zero, and we watched the Falcons game. Without driving anywhere! Without any (or minimal) interruptions from the kids, who were off playing outside with the neighbors! It was so quiet and calm in the den, and we just... watched the game! It was bliss. I told him, "Enjoy this 5 minutes, because you know it can't last much longer." I got up here and there; I think I was thawing something for dinner, and freezing a new batch of ice cream. (I am loving the ice cream maker! Hint: It works best if you use full-fat heavy cream, and whole milk. LOL)
But it did last, long enough anyway.
We had told the kids we'd go on a hike at 4:00. But 4:00 showed up and it was HOT. Too hot for hiking, in my opinion. We offered the pool instead and there was jumping up and down, and "you're the best mommy ever" if I remember correctly.
The pool was super cold, but Alex jumped right in without even testing it first (his new method of entering the pool). BTW, he Jumped In! He is finally, officially a SWIMMER. Complete with diving sticks and everything. Kate was all in, as well, no fear of the cold. I abstained from swimming, for once. It was too cold for me, and I saw a glimpse of my own mother, who gets teased by my father all the time (hello, both of you) for only swimming if it's "bathwater." Mirror, mirror, on the wall, I am my mother after all. :)
Everyone, however, stayed sweet, got along, smiled, soaked up the sun, and then I caught this moment as we were packing up to head home.
We had "lunch" at Dunkin Donuts, which made the kids happy as you can imagine. When we got home, do you know what Shawn and I did? We changed clothes, I poured myself a Coke Zero, and we watched the Falcons game. Without driving anywhere! Without any (or minimal) interruptions from the kids, who were off playing outside with the neighbors! It was so quiet and calm in the den, and we just... watched the game! It was bliss. I told him, "Enjoy this 5 minutes, because you know it can't last much longer." I got up here and there; I think I was thawing something for dinner, and freezing a new batch of ice cream. (I am loving the ice cream maker! Hint: It works best if you use full-fat heavy cream, and whole milk. LOL)
But it did last, long enough anyway.
We had told the kids we'd go on a hike at 4:00. But 4:00 showed up and it was HOT. Too hot for hiking, in my opinion. We offered the pool instead and there was jumping up and down, and "you're the best mommy ever" if I remember correctly.
The pool was super cold, but Alex jumped right in without even testing it first (his new method of entering the pool). BTW, he Jumped In! He is finally, officially a SWIMMER. Complete with diving sticks and everything. Kate was all in, as well, no fear of the cold. I abstained from swimming, for once. It was too cold for me, and I saw a glimpse of my own mother, who gets teased by my father all the time (hello, both of you) for only swimming if it's "bathwater." Mirror, mirror, on the wall, I am my mother after all. :)
Everyone, however, stayed sweet, got along, smiled, soaked up the sun, and then I caught this moment as we were packing up to head home.
.JPG) |
| Kiss of / Peace out. :) |
Friday, September 13
Reporting from the mat
Class #2 today. (Manager didn't mind at all. I even took ownership of being out 1.5 hrs., and apologized. She was fine with it -- forgave me, said "oh, don't even worry about that" -- which is interesting, as you'll read...). I wanted to remember everything so this is mostly stream of consciousness-y.
I don't know if it went better than the previous -- it wasn't worse -- just different. First of all, it was a different teacher - yet another substitute. I haven't yet met the official teacher of this class, who is male, which shouldn't make any difference but, you know. So this 2nd teacher, I really liked. In fact, she was next to me the last time, taking the class with us. She is very "down to earth," which sounds cliche, but she stopped the consistent yoga-talk during class, to tell us a little story or to laugh about something. She often teased (and praised) the pregnant woman in class today about her beautiful belly. It was real. It wasn't JUST yoga, you know? It sounded just like the rest of life and that was a comfort.
I was nervous again. Butterflies nervous. Also because I'd been having a very gassy tummy all day. My truth. Sorry. I was slightly concerned about it. What might happen?! Hee.
She told us she's Jewish - so perfect because last night I was listening to the "musical memories of the high holy days," hosted by Itzak Perlman, on NPR (love), and it's Yom Kippur tomorrow. All about forgiveness -- forgiveness of SELF, for not being perfect, we all need forgiveness from others, and to be forgiving of others.
That's a language Catholics speak. Made me feel at home in Hindu-land.
In line with that "theme" for the class (the last teacher didn't do this), I made my word, my intention, "okay." Simple. Lame, maybe.
begin in child's pose, head to the mat. In prayer.
I felt uncomfortable with that until she said something like "here with mother earth." Which I liked.
was not as hard -- I didn't come out of the room already sore
she made more of taking your OWN pose, what feels good to you, right now
she said it's "more than just a physical workout, which is awesome, but there's more."
I was wearing better clothes.
the air conditioning! Wasn't turned ON until the middle of class. So it wasn't just ME being wimpy last time (because there was no AC then either)!
self-conscious about the number of times she came over to adjust my positions. eek. I want to take it as, "we can all learn from someone" and obviously she's a TEACHER and I'm the STUDENT, duh. Still, I checked and hoped that she was adjusting other people, too.
I wasn't the only one looking around, comparing. She kept telling us all, gently, to close our eyes.
and then, it brought me to tears
At the end of the class she came around and did some little nice thing on my forehead. Traced a swirly thingy. I know she could tell my chin was quivering. And when we came out of Savasana, I know she could see the tears in my eyes and on my cheeks. She looked right into them.
I don't know how the teachers react to such things. (translation: what is she thinking about me now?)
I don't know why I was crying, I wanted to stop, I wasn't sad, just moved, in a good way -- and I really tried to just. breathe. let it go. She did 3 "ohmmmms" at the end and that helped distract me. It was just like singing but I felt weird.
Guess I was cleansed. It was so nice, thinking about forgiving, being in that space, being imperfect, being "fixed" by a teacher, and being told again and again that it was okay.
I don't know if it went better than the previous -- it wasn't worse -- just different. First of all, it was a different teacher - yet another substitute. I haven't yet met the official teacher of this class, who is male, which shouldn't make any difference but, you know. So this 2nd teacher, I really liked. In fact, she was next to me the last time, taking the class with us. She is very "down to earth," which sounds cliche, but she stopped the consistent yoga-talk during class, to tell us a little story or to laugh about something. She often teased (and praised) the pregnant woman in class today about her beautiful belly. It was real. It wasn't JUST yoga, you know? It sounded just like the rest of life and that was a comfort.
I was nervous again. Butterflies nervous. Also because I'd been having a very gassy tummy all day. My truth. Sorry. I was slightly concerned about it. What might happen?! Hee.
She told us she's Jewish - so perfect because last night I was listening to the "musical memories of the high holy days," hosted by Itzak Perlman, on NPR (love), and it's Yom Kippur tomorrow. All about forgiveness -- forgiveness of SELF, for not being perfect, we all need forgiveness from others, and to be forgiving of others.
That's a language Catholics speak. Made me feel at home in Hindu-land.
In line with that "theme" for the class (the last teacher didn't do this), I made my word, my intention, "okay." Simple. Lame, maybe.
begin in child's pose, head to the mat. In prayer.
I felt uncomfortable with that until she said something like "here with mother earth." Which I liked.
was not as hard -- I didn't come out of the room already sore
she made more of taking your OWN pose, what feels good to you, right now
she said it's "more than just a physical workout, which is awesome, but there's more."
I was wearing better clothes.
the air conditioning! Wasn't turned ON until the middle of class. So it wasn't just ME being wimpy last time (because there was no AC then either)!
self-conscious about the number of times she came over to adjust my positions. eek. I want to take it as, "we can all learn from someone" and obviously she's a TEACHER and I'm the STUDENT, duh. Still, I checked and hoped that she was adjusting other people, too.
I wasn't the only one looking around, comparing. She kept telling us all, gently, to close our eyes.
and then, it brought me to tears
At the end of the class she came around and did some little nice thing on my forehead. Traced a swirly thingy. I know she could tell my chin was quivering. And when we came out of Savasana, I know she could see the tears in my eyes and on my cheeks. She looked right into them.
I don't know how the teachers react to such things. (translation: what is she thinking about me now?)
I don't know why I was crying, I wanted to stop, I wasn't sad, just moved, in a good way -- and I really tried to just. breathe. let it go. She did 3 "ohmmmms" at the end and that helped distract me. It was just like singing but I felt weird.
Guess I was cleansed. It was so nice, thinking about forgiving, being in that space, being imperfect, being "fixed" by a teacher, and being told again and again that it was okay.
State of the days
(From Tuesday) I really have SO much work to do right now. Like, if there isn't a list of products that I need to update in both English and Spanish (I don't translate 'em, I just copy/paste it in), then there's that email I need to write to that freelancer, and there's an article that needs editing for the other site, and there's also the statistics reports that haven't been done for this month and the email blast that still needs to be created and approved and sent out, today.
That's what I have on my list. There's no way all of that's going to get done today.
Annnnnnnnd I just got a phone call and I think I wasn't very kind to the person on the other end. I wasn't mean, I mean, I just expressed my annoyance in a noticeable way. Shame on me.
I don't know, some days it's just not a lot of fun, you know? It's fine, it's just not FUN. I want to be grateful for those days, and I am, but... meh.
We had a weekend day like that recently. Two days, in fact, and the kids thought so, especially: the days were fine, they just weren't fun. We had our normal easy Saturday morning, with waffles (Eggo, don't be fooled) and Cartoon Network and me on my phone. And then we went off to all the activities while DH mowed the lawn. Ballet on one side of the highway, jiu jitsu on the other. I dropped off and picked up and watched and taxi'd and went to the restroom in both places, and we even had a small snack in between. And then we ran errands -- haircuts, shoe buying, Lowe's Home Improvement shopping, the ushe (I looked it up; that IS how you spell it). Stuff we had to get done.
On Sunday, we went to Mass at 10:45, then drove across town to watch the first Falcons game of the season with our friends. It's always good to see them, and we ate awesome cheeseburgers!, but it's an hour-long haul to get there, and another hour back. Their boys are older than our kids, and usually they play really well together despite that difference in age, but the 14-year-old is now in high school and has less brain-space available for little guys. I understand. But I think my kids were bored. I felt bad that when we got home it was dinnertime, then - school night - bath and bed. We really felt kind-of cheated overall.
So Shawn and I (I'm still getting used to using real names here, it's weird) talked about how we have to be mindful and plan more FUN things. We have a lot of commitments on the weekends, but a day at the mountain, an easy trip downtown to see stuff, a picnic here and a frisbee game there -- we want to do these things for our kids. If they'll even appreciate them! Sometimes we spend so much time barking at the kids to "be kind to each other" and listening to "he is touching me!" -- tired old boring CLICHES! That are TRUE! -- that we can't enjoy fun things, anyway. Is it an attitude change on our part that's needed? Or kinder kids??
..........
(today, Friday) The whole week has just been FULL at work. Not terrible, just full. Meetings and tasks. There hasn't been time to let the mind wander too much. No solo lunch hours, for errands or a walk or just LUNCH, except I think Tuesday I went to the bank and the dry cleaners. I came back after 30 minutes because I had a lot of stuff to get back to. I had a "working lunch" yesterday with colleagues. It was longer than an hour, and paid for (nice!), but it wasn't relaxing. So I'm looking forward to yoga today, even though my manager IS here and will likely notice that I'm gone more than an hour. Hope she won't say anything. She started taking yoga, too, on her own inspiration at a different place.
We went to the Girl Scouts information meeting yesterday, Kate and I. My experience with Girl Scouts was short-lived, unfortunately, but I feel like she deserves a chance just like her brother has had with Cub Scouts. I can't be the troop leader, although part of me wants to (which Shawn finds baffling, given his Cub Scouts experience). I know I simply don't have the time and I can't get off work, anyway -- the meetings are Wednesdays at 3:30. It's good the info session was on a Thursday, my busiest day of the week when I always wonder, "Am I doing too much?" But I do hope some lovely moms step in, and volunteer, for Kate's sake. I'll help any way I can. I want to get plugged in to that group of women at our church/school.
That's the state of things. Moving right along and nearing October, which is hard to believe!
That's what I have on my list. There's no way all of that's going to get done today.
Annnnnnnnd I just got a phone call and I think I wasn't very kind to the person on the other end. I wasn't mean, I mean, I just expressed my annoyance in a noticeable way. Shame on me.
I don't know, some days it's just not a lot of fun, you know? It's fine, it's just not FUN. I want to be grateful for those days, and I am, but... meh.
We had a weekend day like that recently. Two days, in fact, and the kids thought so, especially: the days were fine, they just weren't fun. We had our normal easy Saturday morning, with waffles (Eggo, don't be fooled) and Cartoon Network and me on my phone. And then we went off to all the activities while DH mowed the lawn. Ballet on one side of the highway, jiu jitsu on the other. I dropped off and picked up and watched and taxi'd and went to the restroom in both places, and we even had a small snack in between. And then we ran errands -- haircuts, shoe buying, Lowe's Home Improvement shopping, the ushe (I looked it up; that IS how you spell it). Stuff we had to get done.
On Sunday, we went to Mass at 10:45, then drove across town to watch the first Falcons game of the season with our friends. It's always good to see them, and we ate awesome cheeseburgers!, but it's an hour-long haul to get there, and another hour back. Their boys are older than our kids, and usually they play really well together despite that difference in age, but the 14-year-old is now in high school and has less brain-space available for little guys. I understand. But I think my kids were bored. I felt bad that when we got home it was dinnertime, then - school night - bath and bed. We really felt kind-of cheated overall.
So Shawn and I (I'm still getting used to using real names here, it's weird) talked about how we have to be mindful and plan more FUN things. We have a lot of commitments on the weekends, but a day at the mountain, an easy trip downtown to see stuff, a picnic here and a frisbee game there -- we want to do these things for our kids. If they'll even appreciate them! Sometimes we spend so much time barking at the kids to "be kind to each other" and listening to "he is touching me!" -- tired old boring CLICHES! That are TRUE! -- that we can't enjoy fun things, anyway. Is it an attitude change on our part that's needed? Or kinder kids??
..........
(today, Friday) The whole week has just been FULL at work. Not terrible, just full. Meetings and tasks. There hasn't been time to let the mind wander too much. No solo lunch hours, for errands or a walk or just LUNCH, except I think Tuesday I went to the bank and the dry cleaners. I came back after 30 minutes because I had a lot of stuff to get back to. I had a "working lunch" yesterday with colleagues. It was longer than an hour, and paid for (nice!), but it wasn't relaxing. So I'm looking forward to yoga today, even though my manager IS here and will likely notice that I'm gone more than an hour. Hope she won't say anything. She started taking yoga, too, on her own inspiration at a different place.
We went to the Girl Scouts information meeting yesterday, Kate and I. My experience with Girl Scouts was short-lived, unfortunately, but I feel like she deserves a chance just like her brother has had with Cub Scouts. I can't be the troop leader, although part of me wants to (which Shawn finds baffling, given his Cub Scouts experience). I know I simply don't have the time and I can't get off work, anyway -- the meetings are Wednesdays at 3:30. It's good the info session was on a Thursday, my busiest day of the week when I always wonder, "Am I doing too much?" But I do hope some lovely moms step in, and volunteer, for Kate's sake. I'll help any way I can. I want to get plugged in to that group of women at our church/school.
That's the state of things. Moving right along and nearing October, which is hard to believe!
Friday, September 6
Bought me some yoga
I committed to the yoga studio, buying a 7-class "card" today.
I couldn't attend this Friday's class (today), because my manager who usually works from home on Fridays, enabling me to be on "lunch-hour" for more than 1 hour, is IN the office today. (It's a 45-minute class, but getting there, parking, cooling off in the restroom for 10 minutes after the sweaty sweat-session.... etc.) I found myself rather sad that I wasn't going today, and kept remembering last Friday afternoon and how great I felt. Exhausted. Energized. Zen. (Conflicted about feeling Zen, but still Zen.) Mindful. Deeply breathing and calm. Sore that night and Saturday, but okay by Monday. I am still nervous about going back, of course. Even though I already did the hardest part of Trying It, and I didn't fail. I don't know why I think I'm not good enough -- I am. I've always been pretty flexible, and yoga's not about winning or being the best, anyway. It meets everyone where they are, as they say. Maybe I just think I'm not "granola" enough. It's all in my head.
So now this weekend, I want to buy something to wear. Everything changes when you are going somewhere public for your exercise! Ha! One nice thing about yoga is, there are no expensive shoes to buy. But you do want a top that won't expose everything when you're upside down. :) Everything I find is spaghetti-strappy, though, and that's not really my preference. We'll see.
I couldn't attend this Friday's class (today), because my manager who usually works from home on Fridays, enabling me to be on "lunch-hour" for more than 1 hour, is IN the office today. (It's a 45-minute class, but getting there, parking, cooling off in the restroom for 10 minutes after the sweaty sweat-session.... etc.) I found myself rather sad that I wasn't going today, and kept remembering last Friday afternoon and how great I felt. Exhausted. Energized. Zen. (Conflicted about feeling Zen, but still Zen.) Mindful. Deeply breathing and calm. Sore that night and Saturday, but okay by Monday. I am still nervous about going back, of course. Even though I already did the hardest part of Trying It, and I didn't fail. I don't know why I think I'm not good enough -- I am. I've always been pretty flexible, and yoga's not about winning or being the best, anyway. It meets everyone where they are, as they say. Maybe I just think I'm not "granola" enough. It's all in my head.
So now this weekend, I want to buy something to wear. Everything changes when you are going somewhere public for your exercise! Ha! One nice thing about yoga is, there are no expensive shoes to buy. But you do want a top that won't expose everything when you're upside down. :) Everything I find is spaghetti-strappy, though, and that's not really my preference. We'll see.
Wednesday, September 4
Yoga class
Last Friday, I went to a yoga class. I have been wanting to take a class again for a long time -- a really long time -- and I have done a lot of yoga, on my own, since the last time I took a class, in 1999. YES. Fourteen years ago! Shawn and I signed up together for a beginners' class when we were dating, for a "semester," and we walked to the yoga studio near his apartment every Sunday afternoon. It was lovely.
Since then, I have done yoga DVDs, prenatal yoga, made-up variations based on how I like to stretch, and yoga On Demand on TV. I've learned a lot of the poses that we were too "newbie" to learn, in that first class (in fact, I think the thing we did most in that first class was Savasana, the corspe pose, which we called "sleeping" and one guy in our class called "snoring").
So I decided on a whim last week to do a Google search, I found a 45-minute noon class near my office, and went all alone to check it out. I had to be brave. I don't like working out with other people. And when I got there, there were several young, lithe girls with their hair in perfect messy buns, wearing fitted spaghetti-strap tank tops and tight pants. Thankfully, there was also a grey-haired man in a t-shirt, so I felt like I could bridge that gap.
Our 20-something cheerleader/ballerina instructor (I read her bio online) spoke in that wonderfully soothing way that yoga instructors speak, and she got us started right away with some Cat-Cow poses and quickly into Chaturanga. We did lots and lots of Chaturangas (push-ups, basically, if you don't know). I didn't notice them at the time but I NOTICED 8 HOURS AFTERWARDS. Good lord.
I could follow along, mostly, although she did some sequences differently than I'd done them before. I got so hot and sweaty, I was embarrassed. And my face always gets more red than strictly necessary. I hadn't pulled my newly-long hair back, either, and that was a mistake. I looked like a literal hot mess. I couldn't keep my mind properly free of worry; mostly I was thinking, "Surely it'll be over soon??" Also some "I feel fat and is everyone looking at me? Am I doing this wrong?" Clearly, I have some things to work on, mentally. Physically, I was able to keep up. I kind-of wish it had been less vinyasa and more "learn some poses," but challenge is good, right? I'm trying to decide if and when I'll go back. I might need to be even MORE brave to do that. Show my face again, heh. But it was a really great workout, for sure, and I continued the deep, calming breaths through the rest of the afternoon, which felt lovely.
At the end of class, the instructor called it "sweet Savasana," which is so perfect.
Since then, I have done yoga DVDs, prenatal yoga, made-up variations based on how I like to stretch, and yoga On Demand on TV. I've learned a lot of the poses that we were too "newbie" to learn, in that first class (in fact, I think the thing we did most in that first class was Savasana, the corspe pose, which we called "sleeping" and one guy in our class called "snoring").
So I decided on a whim last week to do a Google search, I found a 45-minute noon class near my office, and went all alone to check it out. I had to be brave. I don't like working out with other people. And when I got there, there were several young, lithe girls with their hair in perfect messy buns, wearing fitted spaghetti-strap tank tops and tight pants. Thankfully, there was also a grey-haired man in a t-shirt, so I felt like I could bridge that gap.
Our 20-something cheerleader/ballerina instructor (I read her bio online) spoke in that wonderfully soothing way that yoga instructors speak, and she got us started right away with some Cat-Cow poses and quickly into Chaturanga. We did lots and lots of Chaturangas (push-ups, basically, if you don't know). I didn't notice them at the time but I NOTICED 8 HOURS AFTERWARDS. Good lord.
I could follow along, mostly, although she did some sequences differently than I'd done them before. I got so hot and sweaty, I was embarrassed. And my face always gets more red than strictly necessary. I hadn't pulled my newly-long hair back, either, and that was a mistake. I looked like a literal hot mess. I couldn't keep my mind properly free of worry; mostly I was thinking, "Surely it'll be over soon??" Also some "I feel fat and is everyone looking at me? Am I doing this wrong?" Clearly, I have some things to work on, mentally. Physically, I was able to keep up. I kind-of wish it had been less vinyasa and more "learn some poses," but challenge is good, right? I'm trying to decide if and when I'll go back. I might need to be even MORE brave to do that. Show my face again, heh. But it was a really great workout, for sure, and I continued the deep, calming breaths through the rest of the afternoon, which felt lovely.
At the end of class, the instructor called it "sweet Savasana," which is so perfect.
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