Intentions

I didn't really mean to stop writing here. But life. You know.

Since we last visited, the WLC has ended! I've posted on its website and in notes with Mom and Jill, that it was successful for me. But for posterity here: 10 lbs lost, 3 inches from my waist and 2 from my hips. And already (it ended on 3/18), after adding back IN a little bread here and there, I can tell when I eat it, from the belly bloat. Now, this was one thing I didn't really want to happen -- I don't want to NEVER be able to eat bread again... but on the other hand, it will likely keep me from eating much bread, and that's a good thing. I'm really hoping to maintain the 10-lb loss until the next challenge starts in May, and that will require some work. I took a break from exercise the first week after, and ate all the things I'd missed... and this week, I have been too puny to exercise. Fever, aches and chills. It's been unpleasant, even though those have been the only symptoms.

Next week is Spring Break. I presume we'll do a little walking around -- we're going to Nashville -- and maybe I can at least stretch, in the hotel room. We'll see about swimming (there's an indoor heated pool); I'm sure the kids would be up for that! And I'll want to enjoy the food in Music City! But THEN, I promise: Back to plan. (-ish.) ;)

Another thing I didn't intend to do: go to Confession the other night at church. I'd been asked to sing at the parish Penance service, and fully intended to leave right after my singing was done. But Kate wanted to come with me to the service (she likes the privilege of sitting in the choir loft when Mom sings), and as people started to line up, she asked, "Aren't you going to Confession?" She had been with her class, the week before. So what could I say?! In the end, I'm glad I did, as usual. It's comforting, after you get over the initial discomfort. I always get tearful. Our pastor is so kind and good, though. I loved having him pray over me, just me, and watching him hold the hands of everyone who came to him, if they wanted him to. I love the compassion of the priests - don't you imagine it's a bit of a burden, hearing all our shame and sinfulness, over and over? I bet it's tiring. And the place was packed. It's heartening to see that many people acknowledge their need for God's mercy and love. To know we're all in this together, we all feel bad about ourselves, and we're all loved and forgiven anyway. Already. (We do have one new-ish priest, however, and he kept this one lady in the chair for at least 15 minutes, I noticed. He was sermonizing the whole time - or so it appeared from a distance. Note to self: Don't go to Fr. Revak's line.)

Chocolate. Amen.

Today I had a craving for chocolate. I have had several great food days in a row, including my delicious lunch today of roasted potatoes and broccoli, some chicken breast, and chicken-sausage (yum!)… but for some reason, I could not stop wanting something sweet. And Lara bars were not going to do. Actually, I ate a square of the Lara bar I’ve had at my desk, Peanut Butter Cookie flavored. It didn’t help.

I’d been to Target to get a birthday card for Susan, and decided, “I’m a grown-up woman with 2 Indulgence points, and by gosh if I want chocolate, I’m going to have some!” So I bought a Ghirardelli dark bar. When I got back to work, I carefully opened the outer box and peeled open that whisper-thin gold foil. Then I glanced at the Nutrition label (habit, you know) – a serving size is 3 squares. I only broke off two – partly for symmetry (who breaks off three squares?) and partly because... if it wasn’t a whole serving, maybe I wouldn’t even count it as a deducted point! Total cheat, I know.

Next, I clicked over and re-read Leo Babauta’s The Art of Tasting Chocolate Mindfully, because I really wanted to enjoy this indulgence, and I love that post. I’ve read it many, many times before. You should too, if you haven't.

Well, what a treat. I snapped the bar. I inhaled deeply before ever going for it. Even the inhale was a treat! (I’ve been doing that a lot, and enjoying it, with the kids’ cookies, cinnamon rolls, etc. during this challenge.) It was the slowest I’ve ever eaten a square of chocolate. The only ‘flavor notes’ I tasted were a hint of marshmallow, and just the deep cocoa, but man, did I enjoy that square. After about 10 minutes I looked up and I hadn’t even eaten ¾ of it – I’d been breaking off small bites. To my surprise, I could barely finish it. I put the 2nd square back in the package. One was plenty, eaten slowly and after nearly 8 weeks without sugar  except from fruits or the occasional birthday dessert.

I’m just amazed. I used to go through 2 or 3 squares at a time at work, and wonder how they disappeared so fast!

Now We Are Nine

I clicked on my 'Kate' category early this morning and have found myself unable to stop reading. Today she turns nine. Right about now, in fact, 9:23 a.m. What a moment it was, her birth. We had no idea who/what was coming. ;)

I wrote in my gratitude journal: She completes us. Challenges us. Energizes us. Loves us. Tests us. And teaches us. I love that baby girl with all my heart. I pray again for guidance in teaching her. For calm. For wisdom. For patience and mercy. To pour out God's love on her, for her. To understand her better. To encourage her. To lift her up. 

I've been s l o w l y learning it all these nine years that it's me, not her. If *I* can control my reactions to her wild and creative and not-like-mine personality, if I can go slowly, then she'll probably follow suit. If I can't, if I let my expectations get in the way, or let my feelings get hurt, nothing works. Mothers and daughters. I never, never guessed it would be this hard. But I also never guessed a person could fill me so much, with her sparkle, her spunk, her silliness, her talent, her joy, and the weight of her sadness, when she feels it. My goodness, daughter. You're a gift and a blessing and part of God's mystery! No doubt about that.

Anyway, she opened her gifts this morning before getting dressed - her request - and seemed to love them all. A teal water bottle with a soft spout. The Little House on the Prairie box set (my heart!!). Some new clothes. A DVD ("Trolls"). New teal headphones. This weekend, we're having a big shopping day with her friend Ady Grace. Lunch at the Food Court, maybe pedicures, maybe a movie.

Today after school she'll go to choir practice, but then we'll feast on fettucine alfredo, and probably shrimp. Favorites for my favorite girl.

She's an artist.

She's a singer.

She's a good friend.

She's a character, a big personality.

She's persistent.

She's courageous.

She's smart.

She's fun to be around.

She's going to go far.

Highs and Lows

Oh, friends. Highs and lows this weekend, highs and lows. Our Nanny, Shawn's grandmother, passed away this morning after a few days' stay in the hospital. We're told she went in for stomach trouble and was dehydrated. Tests revealed both a hernia in her stomach (she would not let them operate) and kidneys that were beginning to fail. She was 90 years old and the dearest lady. I'm going to miss her, and I know that Shawn is grieving deeply, as they were very close, from the time he was a little boy. I'm so glad we were able to spend so many Memorial Day weekends with her over the years. Alex and Kate have known she was ill, and that this was likely. We'll talk with them tonight and determine our travel plans. It won't be an easy week. I prayed that Susan would make the long drive in time to see her on Saturday, and she did, praise God. She was able to be with her. I've been rolling the phrases "home-going" and "may the angels greet her" and "our sister in Christ" around in my head, knowing she's at rest and believing desperately in the heaven where we become our most perfect selves again, reunited with those who left ahead of us. I love to think of 19-year-old Bernice and Mack together again, with all their families and friends. Sometimes I think it's a strange thing to believe, don't you? I really do. How in the world (or, not in the world actually) could it be true? How does it work? But believe we do, and believe we must, and hope. I pray I'll be a useful granddaughter-in-law while we're there for the funeral, and that I will know how to best help and comfort, and hold it together myself. 

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Friday night, Alex performed in another piano solo festival, judged by the National Federation of Music Clubs' local chapters, and earned himself a 2nd Superior+ rating. He's been with this new piano teacher only 6 months and she's already done more for him than his previous 2 teachers combined. Of course, he immediately felt he didn't deserve it because he didn't play the songs perfectly. But over the weekend, I think he came to accept that the goal isn't perfection, and that his musicianship is what got him the gold star, not the individual notes. It made me wonder how I could possibly be part of the local Music Club. Is it only for music teachers? Or could a lowly church musician join/volunteer? That might be fun. Maybe I'll be brave and ask Alex's teacher. (I sure DO need one other thing in my schedule, haha.) At any rate, it was worth the drive across town on a Friday night in rush hour, to get him that win. 

Thaila's dying to get Kate, too, into piano lessons. For some reason, Kate is acting like she's unsure. I'll have to work on her. ;)

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Saturday we also did something fun. We met some of Kate's basketball teammates for lunch, and then attended a Kennesaw State Univ. women's basketball game. Really enjoyable time. The girls' season is over now (hooray! We have Saturday mornings back!), but this was a great way to cap it off. The KSU team gave autographs afterwards, and Kate immediately framed hers (a photo of the team) and has it on her dresser.

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And then, the Super Bowl. Gosh dangit. Atlanta sports, man. Always SO CLOSE.

Hahaha. Oh, dear.

Besides the negative feeling Every. Time. I. Turn. On. The. TV. or radio, we've got negative feelings swirling around the office again, big-time. Last week our much-loved Finance Manager resigned, and I just heard that our also-loved HR person is threatening to leave. Those events happened after a "town hall" meeting where our dear but bereft General Manager tried to tell us that yes, we've been in a funk, but the time to get out of the funk is NOW.

Guess what? No one's gotten out of the funk. Nice try, mister.

Meanwhile, the suits from the Motherland are here this week. I haven't received my 2016 bonus. (Maybe I've been enrolled in the Jelly of the Month club?) My manager (who also hasn't) said she "has a gut feeling" that something's afoot. She advised resume revisions for the both of us.

Just lovely.

Worse, though, is the ABSENCE of any interesting-looking jobs on the job boards. I use Glassdoor, LinkedIn, and have daily email alerts set up with more than one service... and just don't see anything that makes my heart flutter. One or two things, maybe, but I'm afraid to apply to them because they're located downtown, and I really really really don't want to add that interstate commute back to my life. That's the main thing. Remember I said? The reason I think God put me HERE, is the location. I am hesitant to give that up, even if it means not leaving this terrible, terrible company. That's crazy! But it's my truth right now. I don't know which companies in Cobb County (northwest Cobb if I'm being picky, which I am) would actually hire a writer.

And part of me doesn't even want to be in Marketing anymore, which makes this a career-change job search, which is a lot harder. Especially when you don't know what you're changing TO. hahahahahaha. Oh, dear.

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In other news, the Whole Life Challenge is going so well so far. Giving up bread and cheese hasn't been as hard as I thought. I mean, it's hard, yes, but there are enough good things we can eat, like bacon, salsa, avocados, even rice to an extent, that I don't feel totally deprived. And I just LOVE that there's no COUNTING of calories burned, or calories eaten. Just eat, if you're hungry. Approved foods. It's such a relief to not have to count out how many nuts/quinoa crackers/tablespoons of something. Of course, you're not supposed to go overboard, but it's just not that hard.

I posted this on the challenge, but want to record here that I already feel much less bloated and, well, fat. I was really feeling FAT after Christmas. I'm feeling less so now. Yesterday I wore some pants I have been relying on as comfortable ("fat pants"), and now they feel too loose. I weighed myself today and it appears I've lost 2 pounds in this first week, but of course "weight loss is just a nice side effect" on this plan - it isn't supposed to be about that. ;) (It totally IS about that.) My knees hurt less, when I get out of bed or go up and down stairs.

Today I did a Core/Abs workout (only 10 minutes, as required), and man, it got my heart rate up, too! Felt good, and I'm going to feel SORE tomorrow, I can already tell. That's what I want.

Please nobody comment on the word "fat." It's just a word, it's in my head, I know I'm not actually FAT but, you know. The negative voices in my head have used that word. I'm working on "healthy" and "better" and "toned" and "marvelous." :)

Dinners this week include:
- Grilled chicken wings, which were delicious but my house STILL smells like smoke. I'm surprised the smoke alarm didn't go off Sunday night. With celery and carrots, and spanish rice from a packet for Shawn and the kids.

- Turkey Chili. Family staple. Yum, yum. No saltines.

- Tilapia. Think I'm going to use this recipe, though I don't have tomatoes or green onions. Maybe heat up some rolls for the rest of them.

- Smoked sausage (chicken sausage for me), mac and cheese (not for me), and salad or broccoli. Easy night.

- Some type of baked chicken breast. I can't remember what I wrote down at home. Maybe chicken parm? So I'd make one without cheese, for me. See? This diet isn't that hard, even with a family to feed.

Health Kick 2017!

It's the first full week of the Challenge! I'm excited about it, and curious, and really wanting to do well and get all 35s! (5 points per habit, and there are 7 habits each day.) Most of the habits are EASY: 50 oz. of water, check. 7.25 hours of sleep, pretty easy usually. Mobility/stretching, no problem. Reflection, why sure, I'll journal for you! Even the Lifestyle practice this week is easy -- it's to write down 3 goals every day, by hand. They don't require that you DO the goals, just that you write them. (Sneaky, aren't they? Getting you to see those goals every day... Obviously it'll make you want to start working toward them... clever, clever tactic.)

The food restrictions and exercise are the hard parts for me, but as I said, I'm enthusiastic right now, and hopeful for some great, visible results, so we'll see. 

Man, our weekend was bonkers. We never really got to relax. We're in that stage of life, I guess. Saturday Kate had an 8:00 am basketball game, and Alex had his piano lesson at 9:00. Then Kate and I went to the Girl Scouts' Mother-Daughter Tea at 11, and Alex had to help at the school's Open House since he's on Student Council. Everyone was home by about 4:00, and I rushed to Publix to do my shopping (WLC prep and weekly meals!). I made it home by 5:30, just in time to throw the cold things in the freezer/fridge, change clothes, and go out to dinner to celebrate Shawn's birthday! What a whirlwind. Nice that it's always a lonnnnng meal there; we actually got to SIT. Also nice that red wine isn't forbidden on the WLC level I'm playing -- I enjoyed myself a delicious glass of Cabernet. Ahhhhhh. The kids enjoyed their first fondue and we were SO FULL afterwards.

Then Sunday was our regular Mass time, which eats up the entire morning, and at 2:00 we made the drive to Alpharetta to watch the Falcons win the NFC Championship!! It was so fun! What a great game. The Packers played terribly (thank God). So now we're really, really excited for the Super Bowl! I will undoubtedly get zero points for nutrition on February 5.

More (new) food

Through Christmas break and New Year's, our fridge stayed full. I think I served leftovers for more than 6 meals while my parents were here (mostly lunches, but some dinners, too). But it has all finally dwindled down and we're down to bare bones on this Friday, mostly because I never have time during the week to make a grocery run - do you? This morning for breakfast the kids got the last of the frozen mini pancakes, and Gatorade, because there was no juice in the house (and they don't drink milk). In their lunches they have oyster crackers as a side item. "They're just like goldfish!" I told them.

The Whole Life Challenge hasn't started yet but I'm spending a little time on Pinterest today (and did yesterday) trying to come up with 2 or 3 weekly dinner menus that we can all live with. Some things will be our usual favorites (with modifications for me), and others will be new, because it's good to try new things. I am a little worried that the grocery bill is going to shock me, since I'll have to check brands for added sugars and that probably means buying the fancy-pants versions of staples like spaghetti sauce. I also anticipate getting sick of salad with plain protein and oil and vinegar, which will probably be my go-to when I'm out of ideas. But here's a week I came up with yesterday:

Monday - Salmon-Asparagus foil packets with rolls (obviously I won't eat a roll). Good thing the kids like salmon, although they're used to maple-syrup-glazed. Hopefully lemon and garlic will be acceptable as an alternative.

Tuesday - we're still going to have basketball practice/gymnastics on Tuesdays, so it'll be fast food. Not sure how I'll handle that, except maybe to eat a HUGE lunch on those days.

Wednesday - Spaghetti, with the aforementioned fancy-pants sauce, as well as zucchini noodles for me, made with my new spiralizer! I bought a manual version, not an expensive one, so I may hate using it, but I'm willing to give it a shot.


Thursday - Burgers, with homemade patties or an organic, sugar-free brand of pre-made (Bubba Burgers makes a grass-fed version). I just won't have a bun. Or chips. Or french fries. Sob! Maybe I'll make a chunky guacamole with tomatoes and call it a salad. (How I LOVE that avocados are allowed/encouraged!)

Friday - Chicken Drumsticks, oven-baked with a spice rub, brown rice, arugula and green beans. I think everyone will LOVE these, although they're supposed to cook for an hour, which is more than our weeknight time-budget usually allows. We'll see.

I'm also going to have to really plan out breakfasts and lunches. That means making SOUPS on the weekends to freeze, and maybe scrambled egg things, too.

And this is just the food! Never mind fitting in exercise every day, and journaling, and getting enough sleep, as the WLC requires! It's going to be a 2nd full-time job.

Starting 2017

The New Year (Year-End) Review... I feel pressured to do it, for some reason, though it isn't critical. I tried to do some thinking about 2016 during the holiday break and New Year's weekend, and here's what I came up with. The good stuff:

• Our Aussie cousins' visit in January
• In April we saw Mom and Dad, on the way back from their trip to France
• May, I traveled by air for the first time in AGES, to Seattle for Jilly's birthday weekend (sadly leaving Shawn to drive the kids to Nanny's in the middle of a bout of strep throat). Jilly and I had a blast, touristing and eating and having heart-to-hearts
• June included, like always, a kid attending camp at Winshape (Kate) and then our beach trip
• July, despite missing some of Alex's birthday due to the trip, was my trip to Germany, an eye-opener and good time, both professionally and personally (I was honored/surprised to be the person that my manager chose to share her Catholicism/God/Divine Inspiration/Faith story with, and thought, maybe that's why we were in each others' lives all along, that one conversation...)
• August was the beginning of my personal health quest to walk for at least 15 minutes, as many days as possible. I've kept it up with various levels of success since then. August also saw my work-life change dramatically with the departure of the same manager, who generally caused me stress and anxiety. But to balance that good thing, the start of school meant we had a hard time transitioning Kate to a regular bedtime again. We will work harder to avoid that mistake again in the future.
• September, we hosted Tom and Dominique and their kids, and Angie and Scott and their kids, with a super-fun dinner party at our house, and then went to a Braves/Nationals game the next day; we threw a grand party in Pensacola for Mom's 70th; and I invited the SJCS Moms to my house for a wine night, which was so fun. 3 parties!
• October, we hosted our family who was evacuated from South Carolina for Hurricane Matthew. Fun to see them; strange week overall with their different schedule/routines than ours. But it was a good thing to do, the only right thing, obviously.
• And November and December we hosted the holidays at our house, with Mom and Dad and then Mom, Dad, and Jill.

It was quite a good year. Christmas and New Year's were at home and rainy. The whole time, I felt weird/bad that we weren't doing any sight-seeing, or hiking together, or interesting activities, especially after Jill showed me around Seattle like a boss earlier in the year. I hated that she came all the way over here to the East Coast to... enjoy my couch and kitchen. But I told myself, and everyone, that maybe God/The Universe thought we all just needed To Rest. We rested, for sure. We watched movies, read books, played a ton of board games, ate leftovers, napped, and watched the days go by rather fast. Shawn's home with the kids today and tomorrow while I'm at work, and then the kids go back Thursday. Done and done.

They loved their Christmas presents, btw.

Goals from 2016? Well. I didn't do much work to get out of this job that I don't love, but other things shifted a little AT the job, as mentioned, so I'm waiting. And I decided, I am here for proximity to the kids' school, for now, and that's enough. Acceptance. (I still get email alerts for new jobs, and sometimes still read them.) Right now, I'm trying to take initiative and be professional in my work  responsibilities. It's not easy. I'm also appreciative of my team members, who are also friends.

For the New Year, Mom and Jill and I are going to do the Whole Life Challenge together, starting on the 21st. I think it's going to be hard. I'm trying not to dread it (and dreading it). But I need something to help jump-start me to a better mindset about food. I don't want to continue my bad habits in 2017. Habits like:

• Eating chips and salsa, standing up, after getting home from work when I'm really hungry
• Cheeze-Its
• Chocolate at work, chocolate at home
• Relying on Pizza and Pasta and hamburger buns for every weekly dinner menu
• Fast-food and Mexican for lunch every week

I am sure the WLC will help me kick those habits, so I'm willing to try it. No bread, no sugar, no cheese for 8 weeks. *big eyes* I'm also reading Cravings: A Catholic Wrestles with Food, Self-Image and God, for a spiritual boost on the same topic. I hope it's good for both soul-food and table-food. :)

And beyond that, I (am resolved to STOP picking up my phone at traffic lights, and) just want to maintain my place right now, and my "project," which has kept me sane and happier the last several months. Walking, meditation, calm but firm parenting. Acceptance. Contentment. Curiosity. Those are my words for the year.

Les grands menus de Noel!

I've got nothing left but menus. I've been useless at work (well, almost useless - I did schedule a  meeting today about an upcoming infographic - doesn't that sound fun??), and even more useless at home (has anything been cleaned yet or prepped or baked? nope). But I think I know what my menu plans are -- knowing that it's fine if plans change, there is no such thing as a perfect Christmas -- for the nights when my parents and sister are here:

I'll back it up to this week's menus, just for kicks.

M (last night) - I got a last-minute invitation to dinner with my girlfriends, at a steakhouse that Shawn and I had just decided we wanted to try sometime soon. Sorry honey, that I had to go without you. It WAS good enough to go there again, so now I"m looking forward to Valentine's Day. Shawn, BLESS HIM, offered to take the kids out, too, which stopped the figurative bleeding of my injurious decision to leave Kate on a weeknight. How dare I?! She told me in high decibels that "whenever they invite you, you GO! Every DAY!" Also, I'm The Worst. But as soon as Shawn mentioned Waffle House, guess what? The wailing stopped on a dime. I may never understand her but I do appreciate the humor (!!) she brings to the family.

T - We'll either have soup and grilled cheese sandwiches, or Omaha Steaks hamburgers, a gift we received last week from Shawn's Mom. Either way, YUM. Also, our first non-restaurant Tuesday meal since October!

W - Tacos. Alex already spied the Old El Paso box in the pantry and he can't wait.

Th - I do have to go to the last choir rehearsal before Christmas (boo), so we'll eat something quickly at home. Maybe pizza, maybe the other option from Tuesday, either burgers or soup and grilled cheese.

F - The day everyone arrives!! I plan on Happy Hour first, of course, and then if I can swing it, our turkey breast and dressing dinner, with salad and cranberry sauce (jelly), and rolls. Aunt Jilly didn't have our family's special dressing on her Thanksgiving, so she requested it.

S (Christmas Eve) - I'm torn. Last year we went to Bahama Breeze after Kate's early church service, and it was really nice. Cozy, no cooking required... I'm considering that again. OR I'll make potato soup in the crock pot. We'll see how everyone feels ("oh, whatever you want to do, Lee...")

S (Christmas Day!) - for Breakfast, we'll have crepes. I had an egg casserole on my list of possibilities, but yesterday one of the kids mentioned crepes. Yay! I've made a tradition that they ask for! So I'll make those while they're playing with their new presents and the Christmas carols are playing on Pandora, and I'll have my Christmas morning punch in-hand, and it will all be lovely! Then for late lunch/early dinner, Lasagna! With some kind of festive salad (maybe the one R. mentioned in her Christmas menu: Mandarin Orange Salad  with leafy lettuce, green onion, cilantro, cucumber, mandarin orange slices + red wine vinegar dressing)... and garlic bread. And I'm planning on Cherries Jubilee for dessert after a long, lazy, wonderful day with family and food and presents and National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation and other merriment. It's supposed to be rainy, which is just FINE with me.

For the following two days, we'll wing it a little, but a Snacky Dinner is a possibility, as well as taking everyone to one of our favorite restaurants, Fish Thyme.Or some good Georgia BBQ, maybe. Lots to choose from. Here's to your menus! Stay present and calm.

Mid-December update

I feel like I'm forgetting to just observe my mind and not believe everything. My mind is trying to tell me that there's a lot to do, "and you still haven't started this and that and the other, and you need to have it all planned to the minute and get another gift for X person and hurry hurry don't forget!!" But not all of that is true. I need to breathe. (I need to take 15 minutes and close my eyes to breathe, I mean. Every day. How is it that all my coping mechanisms have gone out the window, when I was just here, proclaiming that they're how I cope so well!?)

We have done some festive baking, without too much hurry or stress. Sugar cookies with icing and sprinkles, an easy "funfetti" cookie with M&Ms, and the first batch of peanut clusters last night. (It just isn't Christmas without them.) Kate's been dying to bake and bake and bake. When I'm not rolling my eyes as she explodes eggs into the batter instead of gently cracking them, I think she enjoys herself. Bless it. There's no other way for them to practice, I guess, than to make messes. And I know that in the long run, letting her spill and stir and help clean up teaches her confidence, and that I trust her and love being/doing with her, no matter what mistakes she makes. Important! (But it is a little test for me to stay patient.) I want to get Alex involved, too, but he manages to always be working on something else when we're in the kitchen.

The last 2 weekends have been easy, with very few plans or commitments. I'm grateful. We ordered Chinese food one Friday night, went to a cozy pizza place for dinner early last Saturday, then came home and watched Christmas movies all piled up on the couch. We've had our typical chores and errands, but nothing much additional. No choir party this year... no extra birthday parties, somehow... no need for dressing up or getting a babysitter. It's good. Although I'd really like to go to some kind of Christmas concert (or the Nutcracker) at some point while the kids are young, I'm glad we haven't had to work it into our calendar right now. Maybe there will be one at a church this weekend.

I wonder if my working hard to stay calm is what's also slowing me down at work. I just don't have any drive. Or is this time of year is always quiet at work (something I should certainly be grateful for)? I'm unsure. None of my projects interest me. Some are writing projects, but those are hard to start. And I often feel like I work in a vacuum: my closest team members now are in the UK and Germany. There's not enough idea-bouncing. Or something. New for me this year, I'm planning content months in advance. It's really hard to be interested when the deadline isn't until March or April. Ah, well. I did get a raise, thanks to Shan's kind negotiating it. Not a huge raise, and it sounds like she really had to push our grouchy German head of HR to get even that, but I'm grateful.

So I guess the tl;dr is that we're having a fairly quiet Advent, when I manage to turn off the voices in my head. :) I'm lighting candles nearly every night, and waiting for Christmas to come.

Pushed too hard

Welp, this morning (again) she didn't want to go to school. Yesterday, of course, was her long activities day -- she had basketball at 6 and then gymnastics from 7:30-8:30. When I saw her at 4:30 she said she felt fine. But continuing on meant that she didn't get into bed until 9:30.

Glad I remembered to bring the laptop home. The bonus for me includes:

• coffee in a ceramic mug instead of a tumbler
• refills
• Spanish eggs for breakfast
• a candle burning all day
• sock feet and comfy pants
• Christmas tree lights for cheer
• HGTV and Food Network in my ear, instead of Customer Service Reps in the cubicles next to me
• carpool at 3:00

I already had a Skype call before Kate even woke up, so that's good. Work from home days are the best. 

A little cold

It's been a while since I had any specific "working mom" woes. Since July, I guess, when I had to leave the country on Alex's birthday. But today Kate woke up feeling crummy, and I/we had to tell her to suck it up. Not in those words.

If I weren't working it would be so easy to let them stay home when they only feel a little bit bad. She didn't have a fever, no headache; she's just had a tight chest and sniffles for 3 days. She said, "The classroom is out of tissues and when I have to cough, it's loud," and she's felt self-conscious about it. So if I COULD stay home, gosh, wouldn't it be nice to just cuddle up with her and say, "It's okay, honey, let's just go back to sleep and stay in all day. Don't breathe on me." Especially on a day like today where it was POURING rain this morning. Sigh.

But that might not be the right call. Maybe kids need to learn that they make daytime cold medicines so we can get through days like this (a thing I actually told her this morning, to convince her to TAKE the TRIAMINIC even though she was protesting mightily). I know I've relied on DayQuil many days when I'd rather have been in bed. This is the real world, better get used to it. Toughen them up.

Ah, well. Anyway. It's fine, she'll be fine. I'm not sad over it, just thinking. She took the meds, went to school, and I trust Shawn will judge, when he picks her up, whether or not she can go to gymnastics, or if she should come home instead. I pray we didn't push too hard today. Obviously I'm taking my laptop home with me today just in case. (Maybe even hopefully.) If a fever develops, at least I'll be ready. Here, sweetie, eat an orange. Eat two. Early bedtime tonight. Feel better.

Remember This:

#CalmTip: The mind will do what it wants to do. Observe gently and don’t believe everything 🙏🏼

A photo posted by Calm (@calm) on Nov 27, 2016 at 1:10pm PST

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This thought saved me yesterday, and I predict it will save me many more times this season. I am not going to get stressed about Christmas. I am going to only observe gently (LOVE THAT), and not believe everything.

Confessions and purchases

I think I've mentioned that my Thursday night choir practice has become... less than inspiring... since our director, John, resigned. We've had a substitute and she's very nice and plays the organ beautifully, but, at the risk of sounding like a diva soprano, she's not really teaching us anything. John had chosen music for us before he left, to cover every Sunday through Epiphany including all the Christmas Midnight Mass songs. It's all stuff we have done a million times before, and our rehearsals consist of running through these songs, over and over. I'd go into other details but it's boring and maybe whiny.

Last night, I decided that attending rehearsal is "no longer serving me," to borrow a phrase from the wellness and happiness-movement languages. Hush, you voices that say, "But music ministry is supposed to be about you serving them, not the other way around, Lee." I know. I'll serve on Sunday. I just don't think rehearsal is doing me any good. In fact, it makes me growly and tired. John would always challenge us vocally, to conserve the breath, to aim for the very pinpoint of the pitch, to use dynamics and phrasing to make something beautiful. I miss that. Even WITH that, though, sometimes choir practice was still the same old songs, and I've been in the group for 10-ish years now.

SO, last night I didn't let on to the kids or to Shawn, but I opted out and went shopping, by myself, instead. All year I've been remembering, then forgetting, that my black trouser socks have holes in the toes... or that my Am0ena bras, which I LOVE, are in fact, more than a few years old at this point... or that I've, ahem, gained a pound or two, and guess what, my sweaters don't fit as comfortably as they used to. (BTW, I saw this tip yesterday, for stretching out shrunken clothes. I wonder if it works?)

I went to Kohl's with my handy dandy credit card and their constant promise of percentages off -- everything's always on sale there, every day! -- and I bought stuff FOR ME. Well, first I bought stuff for Shawn -- he needed new basics, too. But then, I spent 30 minutes trying on a VARIETY of bras. I went back and forth from the fitting room, more than twice! Here are all the necessaries I bought: Bra, 4-pack underwear, 6-pack trouser socks, 1 pair of jeans, two sweaters, one tank top, one pair of running shoes (walking)... It was extravagant! At least to me.

Usually when I declare I'm going shopping, a lovely 8-year-old wants to come, and she is not so patient when Mommy wants to try things on for a half-hour. And somehow, we always end up in the Girls 6X-10 area, and by then I don't want to spend more money on me. So this wandering around, all on my own, was so unusual! Freedom! Craziness!

After Kohl's I still had plenty of time, so I popped into Ross next, and found a pair of black ankle boots for $22. Score. THEN, on a high, I took myself to Books-A-Million and JUST BROWSED, quietly, in the Fiction/Literature shelves (NOT THE KIDS' SECTION) for 20 full minutes! I was thirsty, so I bought a Sprite Zero. This made me laugh out loud. Such a TREAT! (And so ridiculous that it's a treat!) I came home feeling energetic, actually, like some burden had been lifted (the burden of remembering all the things I needed to buy? maybe).

Who knew socks and underwear could so inspire!?

P.S. Guess what else? Today, I skipped work for a 3.5-hour "lunch," to chaperone Kate's field trip to the Symphony! My manager's on an airplane back from Germany, she'll never know. TOTAL REBEL IN THE HOUSE, everybody WATCH OUT.

Weary

Funny how everyone kept saying, "I'll just be so GLAD when this is over," all during the election cycle, and now that it's over, no one is glad.

I'm disappointed to see T-Rump representing us. It made me say a bad word when I woke up Wednesday and checked the news. He's not a decent person, I don't think. Not by a long shot. But you know what? This is how American democracy works, and why are people surprised that the "change" candidate won? That's normal after an 8-year term. I'm sick of the reaction to it already. I am sorry for the people who feel despondent and betrayed, and as I said, I don't like him either, but I'm weary of all the dramatic, earnest, "I will"/"I will not" posts in my social feeds. (Note to self: Stop checking FB, duh. And stop listening to news radio for a while.)

I downloaded two new books to distract me. Last night, though, I fell asleep immediately, at around 9:00, and wasn't able to shake myself out of it enough to make lunches or read. Shawn and I both, we think, aren't adjusted to the time change! Isn't that weird? Our kids seem fine, it's the grown-ups who can't get used to it. AskMoxie didn't warn me about this, heh.

Today I woke up with neck pain. I don't know what's going on with my shoulder and neck, but it's not great. I suspect that years of choral singing contribute to the shoulder pain -- holding a hymnal high and out in front isn't doing me any favors. Nor is sitting at a computer and reaching for the mouse all day every day. And probably, doing a lot of downward-facing dog and other yoga poses without really thinking about shoulder alignment. For the last 3-4 weeks I have had pretty consistent pain at the front of my right shoulder. Sometimes, I guess, when it's worse, I hold tension there and it moves across to my neck. Like today. I roll it and turn it and stretch it but nothing's working yet. I'll end up taking an Aleve but I'd kind-of like to just leave it alone and see what happens. Will it seize up completely? Should I go see a doctor? Probably. But I don't feel like having to do X-rays, only to be told they don't see anything, and I'm too chicken to try a chiropractor. I don't know. Modern problems. I've heard of people going to the doc for aches and pains and being told, "It's because you're using your mobile device too much." I don't want THAT diagnosis, either - how embarrassing. We'll see what happens. We've talked about investigating a new, fancy Sleep Number bed, too.

Since I'm already a little grumpy (but overall great! Kids are great! Husband even better! It's finally fall! It's almost the weekend!) I'll also tell you that I STILL, after 20 years at this writing thing, get annoyed when I get edited. Which happened this morning. (Or, not so much edited as told, "I'm not seeing the connection between this headline and that text," or, "It doesn't look right, now that I see it in the layout." It's never the layout's fault, by the way. It's NEVER that maybe it should have been designed differently. Nope.) So I'm off to go rewrite a headline that I thought was a good, unique, able-to-be-translated way to SAY THE SAME THING AGAIN. Argh.

Things that made me smile this week

1. Kate being so proud of her school pictures, which arrived yesterday. They do look pretty. I think she mostly loves the special background that I (finally, begrudgingly) let her choose. She wants one to frame and put in her own room, tee hee! But the one I have here on my desk is making me smile. (Alex's, too - his first with braces. He didn't grimace or try to hide them, and he looks great. His neck and shoulders, somehow, look teenager-y!! ) These. kids. are. getting. so. grown. UP.

2. I smile and shake my head at every political Facebook post I see. Let it be over soon, please, God. Some of my friends have surprised me.

3. When I realized today is my Friday (tomorrow's a school holiday, for P-T Conferences, so I took the day off)... and when I realized that terrible traffic this morning delayed my arrival at work, and thus shortened my "Friday" even further. Thank you, traffic!

4. Cucumbers on my pumpernickel-turkey sandwich today. YUM. Ever since Germany I've been a little obsessed with cucumbers. I eat them for breakfast with a piece of rye toast sometimes.

5. Some of the German execs are here this week, but since I've had to move my desk to another part of the office, I don't ever see them. Yesterday they were having a big conversation about digital marketing/e-commerce, and I stayed quietly over here NOT participating in that bullcrap. HA!

6. I was asked to lead a Skype meeting (nothing difficult, just with my own team), and they were more complimentary than strictly necessary about how it went. :) Made me feel good.

7. Okay, so, here's the long one. Of course I'm drawn to, and see in my News feed (because I always click them) every blog or book or speaker that talks about positivity and "how to be happy." Right? I mean, that's why the genre has taken off, because we're all such suckers and want to KNOW the answers to those big questions. So yesterday, I checked out Jonathan Fields' Good Life Project. I downloaded the free first chapter of his book, and was going along nicely, agreeing with all of his ideas.... but when it came time for him to outline the Project, I started feeling overwhelmed and annoyed. All the books make it seem like you have to quit your job, find or create your DREAM WORK, write a book, or go off to the mission field in a foreign country, to truly be passionate and happy. Some big goal. And do you know what I realized? I've reached a point where I don't feel like I NEED a project or goal. I have done my own work, and reached my conclusion (for now). I am happy. Yes, I have my grumpy-pants days. In fact, I started 2 different blog posts this week, wanting to say something but not really knowing what, and in both of them I had complaints. About being busy, about things that make Mondays less than awesome... Overall, though, things are so good.

My routine that seems to help:

- Walking. Still trying for "more days than not," and still only aiming for 15 minutes a day. It's fine. Any longer and I get bored. It feels good to say I'm doing it regularly. I'm going to use a gift card this weekend to buy new shoes.

- When I get to the office, even if it's past 7:30, which it usually is, I've been allowing myself 10 minutes in the car for meditation. I use the free recordings on the Happier app, mostly. Or sometimes if I've not gotten good sleep, I just set the timer and snooze. I don't feel guilt about being "late." No one even knows or cares. (If they did notice and fired me for it, so much the better. Not liking my job is a blessing/freedom, here!) But the meditation itself is nice, if sometimes a little hokey.

- Honestly the biggest thing I've realized over the past 6 or 8 months is that the day is MINE to live out. Even though I work for a company, the company doesn't get to determine how I feel, or what kind of day I have. It's MY day. So if that means I need to take care of home stuff "on the clock," so be it. No guilt. And if I need to take a break, I take a break. I still produce; I still work. I don't feel bound to think solely about my job for 8 hours straight, though. (I wonder if the departure of MM has alleviated a lot of pain of my job, too. Probably.)

- I think I've come to finally know that the reason I'm here, at THIS company, is that it's close to school. That's all. It was, of course, a good opportunity for me to use my skills, when presented to me in 2009, but the main plan for me and this job is that I'm close. I'm able to go there during the day if needed. Maybe, when Kate graduates in 5.5 years, some other job, the wonderful job I look for all the time, will present itself. But for now, this one's where I'm meant to be, for a REASON.

- I live for 4:30, and that's when the good stuff of my day starts. :) I like to remind myself of that.

- I've let go of a lot of my hangups with Kate's behavior, and lo and behold -- or at the same time -- she's been so much better, so much more willing to compromise and cooperate. I've had to release a lot of feelings about obedience. I had to unlearn a lot. And learn a lot, like how to speak calmly but firmly. I'm still a huge work in progress and maybe I just jinxed it by typing it here (every. time.), but we're arguing so much less. Part of the tactic is to spend more time together, really focused time, so the kid wants to please you. I've been trying to do that. Our busy schedule has actually helped; on Tuesdays we're forced together. No time to drive home before basketball, so I don't cook; instead we just sit and eat fast food and talk and look into each others' eyes. And take selfies. I try to avoid using the phone other than selfies. 

- Last weekend I got a little bummed because we didn't really rest. And most weekends, we don't, much. It's laundry and groceries and choir and yardwork for Shawn, and cleaning house, and kid activities, and it's tiring. But I do try to have my morning coffee, outside if possible, and just breathe. Just sit.

- Gratitude in as many instances as I can. I can find three things, even tiny things, every day, to be grateful for. My journals are a lifeline.

This is working for me. This has been my project.

Positively

I have succeeded in making Diet Coke a physical no-no for myself. Months of not drinking it (unsweet iced tea, please) have resulted in DISCOMFORT when I do pour a glass, which I did yesterday afternoon. I won't be doing that again any time soon. Ugh. I'm pleased, though. It's good to know your body, and to have an excuse to avoid it: that stuff's no good for anyone, anyway.

Our weekend was really nice, despite needing to clean the house top to bottom. We did it, and it's SO clean now, which makes me happier than I realized. Hard work, but worth it. ALSO: We watched a movie Saturday night, with the kids: The Heart of the Sea. I've been s-l-o-w-l-y working through Moby Dick over the past year, after loving the book Ahab's Wife so much, several years prior. I feel like I've had an entire literature course on whaling and Moby Dick, actually. And I LOVE that. I really enjoyed the movie - it brought everything full circle and I loved how it brought Herman Melville's story into it.

The week ahead promises to be FULL and satisfying (provided our attitudes stay bright!) -- lots of extra things to keep it interesting. Like today, the most interesting thing for Kate was the $20 bill I gave her, for the Book Fair. Can you believe she had the gall to say, "It's not enough for all the books I want!"?! Haha! I told her it was all I was willing to give her, and the best part is, she didn't argue about it... I even used "money doesn't grow on trees" for some classic-parenting-wisdom effect. ;) I mean, I'm all for buying books, but I also had to tell her not to spend it on the extra crap they sell, like keychains and erasers. Twenty bucks is plenty.  (Dinner menu plan: Grilled chicken, rice and brocoli)
 
Tuesday, both kids have field trips - how handy is that? No one can say, "Unfair!" Alex's class is visiting a local radio station, and Kate's going to a museum. Then Tuesday night is basketball/gymnastics, which has quickly become one of our favorite nights. Partly because fast-food, and mostly because of the activities themselves. (And some because she'll fall asleep in 5 minutes flat.)

Wednesday, Alex will have a piano lesson -- the follow-up to his SUPERIOR+ rating at the Cobb County Music Teachers' Association Solo Festival this past Saturday! As a former piano student, this was a THRILL for me, to listen to him working on the two pieces all week (and even, heartbreakingly, the morning of, listening to him mad at himself when he kept making errors in the rehearsal), to share the butterflies with him while we waited for his turn, and then to see him come out of the judging room, all smiles, knowing he'd done well. The teacher texted us his results about 15 minutes later. I loved the whole experience and can't wait to see his judging sheet with comments! I promise to file it away safely, Mom, per tradition. :)  (Sloppy Joes and chips)

Thursday is typically my choir rehearsal night, but... I think I'm not going. We have a substitute director who's nice, but... not overly inspiring. In fact, she can be a little insulting toward our soprano section, or at least that's how I'm feeling. Anyway, the song planned for next Sunday is one of my least favorites, so I think I'm going to skip it and not feel bad. Thursday night will be FREEEEEEE (for homework help and showers management and dinner -- Chicken tenders, homemade mac and cheese).

And Friday, my thing to look forward to is a half day of work and the first Middle School Dance of the year! Committee-chairs, activate! First I have to go to Costco, then we'll pass out pizza and hide in the kitchen to watch/not-watch our 7th graders be pre-teens in a social situation. Eeee! (probably leftover pizza).

I wonder if I'm feeling so positive this morning because of my morning workout? I re-started that plan today after a week+ off. I didn't intend to take a week off, it just happened. But I'm back to it, and enjoyed it this morning. The moon was HUGE and bright (yes, I walk before the sun comes up), and the air was cool. Trying to add a little strength work every other day this week -- we'll see how that goes. I wrote an article about menopause last week, as it happens, and strength work before menopause is important, to protect the bones!

Work's not been SO terrible lately, either; a few things to keep me busy, not enough to overwhelm (or else I don't care enough to get overwhelmed). That's nice.

Speaking of work...

Mid-October, are you serious?

ZOOM! go the days! Especially this past weekend:

Hurricane Matthew forced Shane and Suzanna and their girls up here on Thursday last week, and they stayed through Tuesday -- with week-old baby Alexis (7 days old and she took her first road trip)!! Suzanna is my hero, really, on that score. I distinctly recall NOT being interested in getting off my couch when my babies were that small. I can't fathom traveling. No way. We were all worn out (them too) by the time they went home. But it WAS an excuse to have them visit -- we NEVER get family-time with them. Usually just an afternoon here or there during holiday stays at Susan's. So this was nice, even though WE had to continue to go to work and school while they were having "vacation" days. No fair.

But now it's back to normal and whaaaaa! Where did September go (and August, for that matter)? How is it mid-October already? The end of the kids' first quarter today. School pictures have been taken! Magazine drive is over! Halloween decorations are up!


Third-grade basketball has begun and Kate looooooooves it. I do, too, except sitting on metal bleachers after a day at the office. Ouch. She's learning a lot already. I'm bummed that Alexis' christening is scheduled on the weekend of her first game... she'll have to miss the game, I guess. ARGH. Why can't all the calendars line up neatly for me?! Maybe something unexpected will happen and fix it. Fingers crossed.

Meanwhile, I think I'm quitting Facebook until the 2016 presidential election is over. I don't believe I can take any more "politics."

Party 3 of 3 in a row

I'm thinking of these Monday-morning blog posts like gas-pedal-pumping on an older car — a necessary step to get her going.

Despite having a new, clean desk/cubicle, work's all the same, same, same. Yesterday I was thinking, do all marketers just eventually run out of ideas? Can I use that logic to switch careers and become something else entirely, please? I have run out. All the marketing speakers and thought-leaders are saying now, to copy the work of others. They mean for you to use your own photos/taglines/etc., but do just go ahead and use other peoples' ideas. It's okay now. See something that works, online? Do the same thing. Nothing new under the sun, why bother even trying?

- - - - - - -

Over the weekend, on Saturday night, I hosted the 3rd party of three that were planned for this fall: Moms' Night In. Out, really, because we sat outside on the back porch in pretty, pretty weather, finally!, at the patio table with umbrella that Shawn bought me (us), that I love. I went out Saturday morning to buy some red mums and 2 little succulents plants, to spruce up the very utilitarian metal shelf we have out there. It helped 100%, along with a pretty candle lantern from Pier 1 on the table. (And yes, I will do my best to take care of the plants, Darling Husband. They'll probably have to move where they can feel the sun for best results, but see? I've already looked up "how to care for fall mums.")

Everyone I invited came to the party, and they all brought fun party foods and wine. Lots of different dips and crackers and even goat cheeses (YUM), salads and several pumpkin-y treats since IT'S OCTOBER! (what?!). Conversation was lively, of course, including gossip about who may be pregnant again, and teasing the PTO president about which snot-nosed punk might have pulled the fire alarm two weeks ago (she wouldn't budge). I thoroughly enjoyed it all, from the prep (lighting candles, listening to my Bruce Hornsby Pandora station) to the clean-up — no, really! — and am, again, grateful to Shawn and the kids who let me kick them out of the house for a while. I hope I was fully present to my friends. It all feels like kind-of a blur, now, but I think I had a great time. And no, I only had 2 glasses of wine, so it's not that -- it's just, various hostess duties kept me from sitting in any one place too long, I think, so I never quite relaxed. But I did laugh a lot, and I feel so comfortable with all those ladies, and I think they appreciated the time together — it had been a while. All good.

I think I'm all filled up on hostessing for now. Well, except we did talk about inviting Andy and Pam over for Sunday football watching one day soon. We totally should. ;)

- - - - - - -

This week for dinner:

Sunday: Crock pot BBQ meatballs, egg noodles, and green beans/potatoes in sauce (from the frozen aisle, and were a disappointment)
Monday: Spaghetti w/meat sauce, garlic toast and a Caesar salad
Tuesday: Chick Fil A or Zaxby's or Jimmy John's, because it's Kate's first basketball practice at 6pm and then gymnastics at 7:30, and HOW are we going to add something to the schedule?! By eating fast food.
Wednesday: Hate to tell you this, honey, but it's going to be ham steaks. The kids eat it and we haven't had it in a long time. With corn and mashed potatoes. And you're cooking. ;) Love ya, mean it.
Thursday: Pizza bake. Fruit salad. Carrrrrrbs.
Friday: I get a half-day off, so I can cook something delicious with chicken thighs, I hope. No... wait, just remembered, there's a party at school that night to celebrate the Blue Ribbon School of Excellence Award. Woo hoo! Kitchen is closed Friday night!

Two best things

Two of the best things my sis and I have done together, lately:
Dad's surprise 70th birthday party 5 years ago, and Mom's less-surprising but also amazing 70th birthday party this past weekend! :)

I'm going to tell you about this weekend. We had fun surprising Mom via email, that we both planned to come to Florida to celebrate with her. We knew she wouldn't want us to just show up one Saturday, especially if she already had plans for a pedicure or a DAR meeting or something, and then bring 25 people to her house with no warning. So we told her in August, I think. Something to look forward to!

We made lots of yummy food after a fun sisters' grocery-store run (and liquor-store run) Saturday morning:

• Sweet Potato and Bacon skewers -- as delicious as they sound! Sprinkled w/a brown sugar and cayenne mixture that gave them just the perfect level of sweet/spice! 
• Maple-Bacon Crack -- also delicious and decadent... but these weren't as crispy as the recipe promises. They were soggy and sticky, in fact, and we didn't serve all of them.
• Green salad w/cranberries and spiced pecans
• Veggie tray w/hummus AND Ranch, because we're just that crazy
• Fruit and Cheese
• Meat and Crackers
• Rotel dip and chips (it's not a party without them)
• Turkey Roll-ups w/cream cheese
• Frozen Mini Corn Dogs for the kids
• Cake!

And our signature drink, an Apple Pie Moscow Mule that you must try! So delicious! I could have had three of them, I think! (I only had one.) And I'm not usually a MMule fan, I'll admit. But these were light and delicious (apple-flavored vodka!) and now I need my own set of copper mugs!

Of course, it's not all about the food. (Most, but not all.) ;) We had fun with Mom and Dad's friends from next door, our awesome cousins and their spouses, our favorite aunt and uncle, and all of the next generation, too. I feel like I was a sweaty mess (working in the kitchen and chasing the youngest kids), but I had fun. Only person I didn't get a chance to talk with was (as usual) Shawn. We laugh about that a lot, after parties. But then again, I guess we talk to each other most days so it's cool. ;)

Sunday morning the kids got a quick swim in, in the backyard, and then we had to head home. Weekend, you were too short!

But I've been thinking about Time, this morning, after a little stress last night when Kate couldn't fall asleep and I got frustrated because of it. I realized I rely so heavily on my carefully calculated schedule to get through weeknights, that when my plans/schedules get disrupted, it causes me stress. But if I could just LET GO of my arbitrary rules about time, I'd be better off (and a better mom). Because all time is limited... and all time is also infinite. We have nothing but time. Sure, it HELPS me to get a full night's rest (I really like getting 7 hours exactly)... but if my lunchbox-prep gets pushed later than I'd like, for whatever reason, it's not going to kill me (unless it becomes a bad habit)... I should let time run, do what needs doing, in whatever time it takes, and just TRUST that God will give me what I need to get through being tired the next day. For example. I have more thinking to do about this, but it is a welcome insight.

Anyway, our time together over the weekend was much too short, but it was just what it was meant to be, and what we were given, and therefore it was perfect. :)

Love you, Mom. Happy birthday tomorrow.

Weekend Recap - So Much To Remember!

Morning/Magazines

Today's morning rush was a little bit XTREME, mostly because I made the conscious decision not to prep lunchboxes last night. First time this year! But also because it is time, once again, for the school's magazine drive bullshit, and I had not yet read any of the instructions (naturally, this year they've "changed it up!" meaning the procedures are slightly different than the last EIGHT years we've done it) nor placed any orders ...and today was the first turn-in day and don'tcha know, the kids want their plastic keychain prizes.

I am FINALLY WEARY of this particular fundraiser. WHY does it need to be so complicated?? Several turn-in-days, and prizes they can ONLY get - like an Out of Uniform Pass which everyone wants - if they turn in X orders on X day, and if you also order this SPECIAL item you get DOUBLE prize points, but it can't be ordered online like everything else, you have to turn in a form and money by hand... and also can anyone volunteer to donate magazine subscriptions to the Libary slash come in and help count orders?!

Can't we just have a box of chocolate bars? Those suckers seem to sell themselves.

Anyway, if any of you reading this is kind enough to place an order (MOM, thank you), my prize-obsessed kids and I thank you. I asked Alex last week if he was ready to be "over" the prizes yet. (I think last year it was plastic duck keychains, the kids all collect them and wear them around all week). He had a hard time answering and was willing to consider letting Kate take all the orders this year. But when it came down to it this morning, he waffled. I guess the lanyard is a bit of a status symbol, still. Maybe a maximum of one duck will be just ironic enough to be cool in 7th grade? Let's hope. Sigh.

The main reason I wanted to remember this morning, though, was that the kids HELPED OUT. They made their lunches (...ish. Kate put a sandwich in her lunchbox and when I asked her if she grabbed a drink or anything else, she made big eyes at me like, "I was supposed to do ALL of that?" but still...)! They (Kate) got ready on their own! Kate didn't require me to French braid her hair, for once! It was lovely and magical.

Earrings

Kate and I had a doozy of a time last night trying to replace her piercing earrings. Her 3 weeks (accelerated) probation period had ended and she was SUPER eager to put in new ones. But lo and behold, those ears are a little SORE. And finding the hole in the back was not easy. She cried and cried and I kept my cool (mostly), but when you start a process like this before 8, and are still not finished at 8:56, it's a LITTLE frustrating. She finally let me -- FINALLY -- touch the earring and I found the back hole with no problem. And with one side done (!) we called it a night. *wide eyes* We have to do it again tonight and I just can't wait.

Bless her heart.

Cousins

Ohhhhhh, but we had a fabulous weekend. The Cousins came to visit and we hosted a party Saturday night (meaning we prepped most of the day Saturday, when we weren't singing for a wedding (me) or taking the kids to Kennesaw Mountain, (thanks Shawn)!!), then went to Mass and a Braves game on Sunday. It was all awesome. For the party I made a triple recipe of chili, with white rice or egg noodles to choose from, a veggie tray with Ranch dip, cut watermelon for the kids, and one of the creamy corn dips you find on Pinterest, called "Crack Dip" (I hate the name). We also made Rice Krispie treats for dessert, and took a cue from my parents and had Bluebell ice cream cups for the kids, too. They were in hog heaven -- they ran around the backyard, mostly, and the adults drank a little wine and were able to have interesting conversations.

I was just so thrilled to have a party. I mean, yes it's a lot of work, but it just filled me up with happiness to have  family there. And to be a hostess - my inner Martha was content. I don't know if it's the act of serving I like, or subconsciously, the compliments I get about a nice dinner, pretty home, or what, but it satisfies me. I always go back to this concept, too, which stirred my heart when I first read about it. Simple meals, not-pristine homes, TIME TOGETHER with people we love. That's what I like my weekends to be about. (some weekends, I should clarify!)

Seeing the Braves play was icing on the cake. Especially because they won (and I had a new team t-shirt to wear, ha)! It wasn't hot outside, we had great seats, all the kids were sooo well-behaved, and I've loved that team (and that stadium) for a long time now. Because of a rain delay, we even got to watch a whole documentary on the big screen, about the 1990s when the Braves were on top! It was the best. Exhausting, and I fear Shawn's coming down with something, but so fun all around.

Tallies and Teams, and Terrible headlines for posts about just regular life ;)

Hey-oh. Friday again! I'm still working on the Product Catalog I mentioned 2 weeks ago. It is kicking my butt with its blah blah blah brand style intros and tone-of-voice subheads. (ooh, but Shan just said she thinks my most recent draft looks great, woot.) 

My tally for August was 21 days out of 30 walking. Achievable stats: More days than not, I did some exercise. Not counting calories burned, not really aiming for a certain number of minutes per week, just: more than not. This I can do. Just returned from my Friday lunchtime walk on the Office-Perk trail. It's not too hot in the shade, and most of the trail is shaded. :) I'm looking forward to an early morning 30 minutes tomorrow. Must wake up early!

Kate wants to do everything this year. She's newly signed up for Art Club and Basketball, on top of her already full schedule including choir, Girl Scouts and gymnastics. But I'm all for it. Try them on for size. Art Club is just after-school, and she's there anyway in Aftercare. In fact, why they don't offer MORE clubs during Aftercare is a question. Anyway, basketball was something I enjoyed, the years I had good coaches, even though I was pretty terrible at it. Team sports, thumbs up. The school has also started a Run Club, where you have to participate in a 5K Run or Walk each quarter. Families encouraged. I kinda like this idea and Kate brought it up, too, and Alex could earn service hours for it... so maybe. HA! See what I mean? Everything!

Alex is, meanwhile, paring down his activities. He decided against gymnastics, is barely attending  Scouts (but oh, we're hopeful he'll finish some rank advancements before December), and chose not to be in the fall Drama Club production. But it's okay. (Piano is going well and he works on his YouTube channel.) His homework-load is definitely increasing and he's handling it beautifully so far. He's my steady, instinctively organized kid.

(In fact, an aside: it's funny to contrast the two kids' bedrooms. Alex, much like his Daddy, keeps everything put away. Well, pajamas on the floor, but they're neatly piled on top of slippers, out of the way. He's an old man because he sometimes puts them on the minute he gets home from school. Kate's room is chock full with stuff taped on the walls and little "areas" everywhere; this doll's bed, that table for Art Stuff, pillows and of course, the outfits she sheds multiple times a day, and shoes, all over the floor. Sheets totally askew on the bed. Cracks me up. I just try not to care. It's not like anyone's seeing it. ...oh wait, next week we have cousins coming to town! I predict a straightening-up frenzy.)

Our new rule to limit screentime to homework, weekends, or selected family TV watching, after dinner, is working. No one's even really whined about it. Kate's snuck up to her room a few times and we've caught her playing iPhone games or watching YouTube, but I think we've managed to put a stop to it with Disappointment and also Warnings that weekend time could also be cancelled. So.

Even I was disappointed with this week's dinner menus, except Sunday. If I can recall:

S - burgers on the new grill, yummy, with baked beans and potato chips. We even ate outside.
M - Hibachi restaurant on Labor Day (i dunno)
T - sausage, spinach and parmesan pasta. Totally made up by me, and accepted by all, surprisingly.
W - chicken patty sandwiches
Th - fried chicken from the Publix deli, potato salad, fruit from a can
F - pretty sure it's going to be Brinner. Which is supposed to be easy, btw, but always seems to take me 3 pans and a lot of jumping around to make it happen all at the same time. Eggs, pancakes, bacon... jump, hop, turn, flip.

Merrily we roll along! Bummer that it's just a TWO-day weekend, but I'll take it.

I'm So Over These Words

If I never hear the words...

• content marketing
• promotion
• increase our database
• align our promotions
• markdown
• infographic
• push-to-pull strategy
• media guide
• editorial calendar
• brand strategy
• reach
• measurement/statistics
• analytics
• digital marketing
• integrated strategy
• social advertising
• budget
• merchandising
• thought-leaders
• influencer marketing
• growth

...again, it would BE TOO SOON.

I wish one of these days I could get myself a job that has nothing to do with those things. Something like:

• Ticket-taker/docent at a museum or botanical garden
• Cashier at Natural Body (a local massage/spa store)
• After School Supervisor
• Education Coordinator/Assistant at a church
• Registration Coordinator at a retreat center
• Mobile plant tender!!
• Volunteer coordinator for a non-profit

These are jobs that I think would not make my head hurt. I'm looking over at the green, green grass and knowing it isn't so green after you get there, but still wishing, at least for today. Too many dumb words that I've come to hate in my current job.

In the House, On my Feet

My back hurts this morning, and I figured out why while driving to work. I piddled around the house all weekend, doing Not Much Really, just things like decorating bookshelves, vacuuming hard-core, and laundry/ironing.... in bare feet. DUMB. Old ladies must wear supportive shoes, Self, even in the house! Otherwise backs will hurt.

I had a pretty nice weekend, though, in the house on my feet. I had bought some bookshelves for our living room, so I dusted them and put pretty things on them! Not too many. Trying to keep it classy. ;) Of course by the end of the weekend I noticed a plastic bucket with Dory on it had made its way onto a bottom shelf. That room gets a lot of toy action even though it's the "formal-ish" living room. I guess growing up, Jill and I used our parents' formal living room as a gymnasium. I don't feel like we left toys all over it, though. 

Kate spent the night with a friend Friday, and was picked up right after school by them, so Alex and Shawn and I enjoyed some quality time. We let him watch the first episode of Stranger Things, since Shawn and I loved it so much 3 weeks ago. I think Alex liked it, but didn't have the immediate '80s connection like we'd had, obviously. Still, it was fun letting him be a big kid (lots of language in that show, I hadn't realized!)... and he basically put himself to bed afterwards, around 10:30. Since Kate was gone, I also got to play a card game with Alex on Saturday. Not regular cards, but one of The Kids' games, with Attack points and Health points and Life points and oh my goodness, it was a lot to keep up with! It was an easy version of this type of game -- I'm not sure I could handle anything harder!

Saturday morning we met with a new piano teacher. She is going to be just great; I'm setting high expectations. She was delightful to talk with, so kind to Alex and I can tell, an excellent teacher. I bet I'm more excited than he is. I might have mentioned I would like if both my kiddos loved music, and I think the seed is IN THERE, it just needs some really good tending. I think this lady is the one to do it. I'm also starting to consider when we should get Kate into piano. Maybe next year. Her musical training happens in the church choir currently, but the excellent director is leaving. :( I don't know who will take his place. Watching the situation to see what happens next.

And Kate survived her 2 weeks of good behavior, and got her ears pierced yesterday! WOO-HOO! I was worried she'd chicken out, but she didn't. She cried, yes, which I knew would happen.... but in the end we got it done. She chose a pretty little purple birthstone and looks So Grown Up I can hardly believe it. This morning we French braided her hair so the newly acquired sparkle was most visible. :) 

This week's menu:
S - The Pepperocini Beef recipe that was so hot online 2 years ago. Finally tried it. I loved it, Alex tolerated it, Shawn thought it was okay I think, and Kate spit it out (too spicy). It WAS more spicy than I expected. Might or might not make it again. Also had veggies and ranch, and deviled eggs.
M - Dirty Rice with ground beef. Getting all our iron in, early in the week!
T - Tuna Casserole. Haven't made that in a while and everyone likes it.
W - Chicken Parmesan with garlic bread and salad. Yum.
TH - Fish Sticks and Popcorn Shrimp, I believe. My choir rehearsals begin again (mixed feelings), so Thursday has to be quick prep.
F - It's the first night of a 3-day weekend so we'll see! Might have to order pizza to celebrate. ;)

Don't Wanna

Work.... nope.

Not feeling it.

This week's dinners? Why, sure!

S - Leftovers bonanza. Actually a pasta bonanza, because that's what the leftovers happened to be. But no one complained (shockingly), and there's now room in the fridge.
M - Hamburger sliders baked in the oven. Easy and yummy. Probably with tater tots.
T -Smoked Sausage, mac-cheese and broccoli
W - Chicken, potatoes and green beans. Pinterest For The Win.
TH - Pasta with meat-ah-balls.
FR - Kate's going to a sleepover so we'll wing it (yay for winging it!)

[Alright, fine... I did some work in another Tab while I was writing this. I guess I still have some work ethic, and a desire to knock the quick, easy things off my looming to-do list... aren't Mondays just the worst?]

----------------

We had a school event last Friday night, an annual picnic/cookout that we've attended all 8 years we've been there. It was a good time, despite the sprinkling of rain going on throughout the evening. We came home with three dirty kids, I'll tell you that (one was a friend), but the burgers were good (and free), and there were lots of side dishes. You know I love the side dishes.

We mostly chatted with a couple we met at the very first one of these picnics, and with a family who's new to the school. I was happy to be able to help welcome the new family, since they have kids in both Alex's and Kate's homerooms. And the long-time friends are definitely some of my favorites; friends I know I could call on for help in time of trouble, or invite out for fun and expect an enthusiastic "yes." I'm so grateful. It's a wish that I wished long ago: to make friends.

But later in the weekend I caught myself thinking, all of this is temporary. One of these days, these friends will be part of the past, most likely. We'll move on to different high schools, our kids will make new friends, and, if I'm honest, my elementary and middle-school friends definitely aren't high on my list of "priority" friends anymore. My own parents DO keep up with parents of some  elementary school friends of mine, who lived across the street from us... but that's about it. Besides Facebook, of course. So that made me a little sad. The thoughts grew bigger, to, "Well, all of Life is temporary, actually...." and that made me feel really melancholy, mostly about these friends.


Unless, I guess, I dig deep into my faith and pray that I'll get to hang out with Ashley, Matt, Susan, Rick, Julie, Mike, Emily, John, Ellyn, Stephanie, Karen, Yvonne, and maybe newbies Wendy and Andy, in heaven. Not to mention all my other friends who, for now, aren't in my daily life but remain in my social media news feed. College friends, high school friends, work friends... and those of my kids whom I've yet to meet. Then we'll have a cookout for allllllll eternity. ;) It seems far away, of course. And it seems a little odd to think about, but perhaps it's something to hang some hope on.

Cheerful

Apparently expense reimbursement can only happen by Direct Deposit. And no one bothered to tell me this until today, so I am STILL not reimbursed the $380-something dollars they owe me for The Trip. Come ON, Company. This stuff is not that hard.

. . . . . . . .
I did not intend to start a blog post with negativity. It just happened. I mean, literally it just happened a few minutes ago, so I'm hot about it at the moment.

But most of all I am feeling SO, SO GOOD this morning. The children have been pleasant these past um, let me count... 22 and a half hours. 23 hours ago, maybe things were not so rosy, but no need to reminisce. ;) We're on the rosy side now, with high hopes to stay there firmly until two weeks from now, when a girl I know will have earned a very special privilege -- getting her ears pierced.

She's been adamantly against, in all the days leading up to yesterday morning. I would tease her every time we went into Claire's (which is often), saying, "Oooh, Kate, there's no one in the chair... I know you want to get your ears pierced today, right??" And it was always met with, "NO, no... doesn't it hurt?" and "Never! I am NOT doing that." But for some reason yesterday, she changed her mind.

She always announces things like this - big things or instances where I'm going to need to drive her somewhere - with, "Mommy. I have an IDEA." And she calls me to some corner where no one else will hear, or even SEE her ask me, and whispers. It's pretty cute (when I step back and take a minute to think about it... though sometimes in the moment, it's interruptive and I feel like it's a ploy, which it is).

SO, we're working on Maintaining Rosiness and Cheerfulness, through every schoolday morning and bedtime for 2 weeks, in order to earn this privilege. Habits are good to develop, especially if she's going to have to clean those ears and turn the earrings every night. (Oh, I just read the Claire's post-piercing instructions and they actually say to clean/turn them three times a day! Even better.) And this cheerfulness-at-certain-times-of-day THING is a habit she desperately needs to solidify. Perhaps it's hard transitioning back from the easy-breezy late-bedtime summer schedule. Perhaps.

Today was a good day.

I also feel pretty good because last Friday I asked for a raise and will probably get one. I'm terrible about doing that; it's long overdue. I've just gone along, la-la-la, accepting the piddly 1-2% yearly raises and being grateful for them -- being told that other departments weren't getting ANY raise or bonus, the past 2 or 3 years. But with significant changes to my role (before even telling me), it's time. And international travel? Ok, fine, but pay me accordingly. Anyway, I was told that my manager "absolutely" agrees with what I requested, and in fact she believes it was already added to our annual budget, so it's looking positive.

And finally, I walked this morning for 15 minutes before leaving for work. I'm trying to work this in to my morning routine. After Shawn and the kids leave, I put on my shoes and head out the door (thankfully the weather's allowing this. It should not be 80 degrees before 7:00 am, and finally it isn't. Bring on fall, though). Or, a couple of times I have done a "walking" video with Xfinity On Demand. It works, too. Whatever it takes to get moving. It's only fifiteen minutes but I know that's better than the zero minutes I've been doing for about 2 years. I really, really want to make it as "daily" a habit as possible. It does mean driving to work sweaty, but I have a 20-minute drive. It's long enough to cool down with the AC on high blast.

The kids are in school now full-time. I still have to schedule piano lessons and gymnastics, but we are Go for Launch and feeling good on a Monday.

Parenting-cation

Out of juice at 2:50 on a Friday afternoon. Can't bear the thought of opening up my Product Catalog Word doc. It would be false to pretend I have any good ideas for that project, anyway. There are only so many words -- only so many ways I can write/say the same thing over and over and make it feel new and fresh. I will try again on Monday, maybe. (Or after I let my fingers run here for a bit...)

We've had a really good week. It's such a gift to us, that Mom and Dad still want to host the kids for a week of Camp Grandmommy/Papa Joe. Jill asked me what were Shawn and I going to DO, with the kids gone a whole week?? So far the answer is: We're going to WATCH TV. Shows that WE want to watch. Ha, ha. First choice was the Netflix series "Stranger Things," and we both loved it. We watched 2 episodes a night. Lapped it up -- there were only 8 total. It's very sci-fi, very 80s, but also emotionally gratifying. (On the 80s topic, it reminded me of E.T., The Goonies, Tron, and A Wrinkle In Time, among plenty of other references.) One little character just tugged at my heartstrings. We hope they'll do a 2nd season.

We also watched Mockingjay Part 1, since we're behind on the Hunger Games movies. Excellent. And we've caught up on our Flipping Out recordings. What else? Oh, The EVENING NEWS, aren't we grown-up, and some politics (Libertarian Town Hall). It's a weird freedom, to have full HOURS of time we can fill up with media.

I've tried to do some reading, too. Margaret Atwood's The Blind Assassin. It's excellent. The writing is unreal. I wish I could spin phrases like she does.

We ate out twice, I think, and plan to order Chinese tonight. (So we can watch something while we eat!!)

Oh, dear. All of a sudden I'm worried for us during retirement. That's something I think about regularly, actually -- when (if) we retire, what in the world are we going to do with ourselves? I guess I'll volunteer at the church or something. Help the choir director sort music. And we talk about how we'll take daily walks (...will we, really?). And sit on the porch. But what ELSE will we do, together? What are our common interests? (Um.) I suppose it'll work itself out, no need to panic. I do still have that 1,500 piece puzzle I bought the kids a year ago. ;)

Some pretty deep thoughts, here. School starts Monday/Wednesday.

Monday morning yapping

Our every-minute-planned summer, is nearing its end. I'm naturally finding it hard to believe, but at the same time, June also seems like eons ago.

Yesterday we bought school supplies. Those included a Swiss Army brand backpack for Alex, who hasn't had a new one in 3 years. He chose it himself, but we didn't realize until the cash register that it was a one-hundred-dollar backpack! Yipes. Still, a kid ought to have extremely nice things once in a while and not always the cheapest. So I bought it without another thought. ENJOY that backpack (until your sophomore year of high school at least), kiddo. ;)

Thankfully, and after an initial whine, Kate realized her Jansport from last year is still in FINE condition, and didn't bother me at the store about wanting a new one even though Alex was getting one. (And in the process she earned herself a Vera Bradley one for a Christmas gift, if I can remember. *goes to make a reminder note on the iPhone*)

We've had 1 week of well-received evening meals, and I have another one planned. Last week:
M- Bourbon Salmon (from the Publix seafood counter), wild rice, green beans
T- Chicken Tetrazini (I'd been wanting to make it for WEEKS) - with Alex away it was a good time, since he's not so much into the creamy casseroles. I think we made a Caesar salad to go with it.
W- BBQ sandwiches with Stouffer's Harvest Apples. Yes, they're both ready-made foods, but I whipped up a jalepeno cole slaw that Shawn really liked, so I felt quite accomplished indeed.
TH- Frozen Pizza (sorry not sorry) and salad, this time with tomatoes and cheese and croutons, you're welcome, Shawn
F- We went out to Bahama Breeze.

Okay, so it really wasn't that impressive, but at least I'd planned the days and we ate in every night but the one. ;) This week:

S- Spaghetti w/meatballs, garlic bread
M- Fish Tacos (just fish sticks for the kids), jalepeno cole slaw, and mac and cheese
T- Chicken Tortilla Soup (crockpot)
W- Sausage and potatoes (small pieces that are easier for Alex to eat with his braces)
TH- Chicken Patty sandwiches
F- (I think we're going out with some friends)

Why do I feel the need to record our daily suppers? I don't know! It's a weird quirk and a throwback to public mommy-blogging, I guess.

Over the weekend I did a LOT of cleaning out of clothes. Kate had received yet another giant 2 bags of hand-me-downs from our friends. Again, I'm so appreciative. But there are SO MANY things she either doesn't like or will never wear (15 pairs of athletic shorts, puffy-sleeved things, random event t-shirts...) so it always takes me a long time to sort through it all. For the moment, 3 of her 7 dresser drawers have been reorganized, and the closet emptied of things that were too small. (Some of which are going to Pensacola for the cousins, by the way, Mom and Dad.) Next round will be when it's time to switch over to fall. It's a full-time job, keeping up with the kids' clothes, I tell you! Reminds me of Grandmother, who rightly said it's real work to run a household.

Saturday the kids go to Mom and Dad's for their week of grandparents-and-cousins time. I think it's a nice way for them to end their break, with backyard pool parties and kitchen-table goodness. :) Wish I could go, but on the other hand, Shawn and I always enjoy our week's stay-cation from parenting, too.

Better get to work.

Zonked out

So far my jet lag is still showing. By 8:30 pm (2:30 am German time), I am simply DEAD TO THE WORLD. I mean, if I sit down, forget it. This happened again last night... not that I don't always fall asleep on the couch, because I do, but it has felt different. It's super-deep sleep. It huuuuuurts to wake from it. I hope last night was the last time and I'll feel better tonight (I have, during the days). Maybe I just won't let myself sit down. Coworkers who've made this trip laughed knowingly when I told them, so I guess it's normal.

Alex left for Scout camp yesterday. He did not seem in any way nervous about it. In fact, he was overheard talking with his friends: "I love how everyone's parked in the parking spaces and there's MY Dad's car, right in the middle of the lot...(sarcasm)". Haha! Such a tweenager-y thing to do, to disparage your OWN PARENTS. Hilarious (there weren't any more parking spots, as it happens). He didn't get to bunk with Brandon, like he'd requested, but he seems okay with it. Shawn and I are still bummed that he continues to place all his friendship stock in Brandon. When will he see that it isn't being fully reciprocated? I don't know. Maybe it is, and we just don't observe it. Anyway, he's with Charlie, and Brandon's nearby, and that's good - they're all friends. He barely had a second to tell us goodbye. Definitely didn't want Mom giving him any hugs in front of the guys. I tried to sneak one in anyway. ;)

Kate started a week-long Art camp today. She'll do drawing/painting/clay in the mornings and Musical Theater in the afternoons. She WAS excited about it, until the friend we signed up with didn't show this morning. I don't know what's going on with them - I had emailed and texted, everything short of picking up the phone, but I didn't want to be a nuisance - and gotten no response. They were the ones who wanted to set up a carpool for the week. I actually got concerned this morning. I texted a mutual friend, "Have you seen them? Is everything ok?" She replied, "oh they're fine, just busy." And OK, I get it -- busy is the default setting for most of us. But after hearing that, I'm perturbed. Courtesy, people. I was busy, going to Germany and back, and I still managed to email and text you. Whatever.

See, Self? You CAN travel abroad, and be fine. And even enjoy it a little bit

I survived. :)

I am so tired today. I didn't realize it when I was waking up in my own bedroom this morning, showering, getting ready... but as soon as I sat down at my regular desk, it hit me. Definitely feeling sluggish. Also, after 3 days of intense meetings, you forget what you're supposed to do on a "normal" day. And what is "normal," anymore? Our meetings were about a whole procedural and role shift, so that's fun. We left without feeling exactly, fully CLEAR about everything, and without really knowing whether the previous priorities are still priorities... or not.

One of my coworkers, whom I like very much, is more of a worrier than me. She would like to just continue wondering "what's next?" while I'm ready to just decide and move on. I'd rather get to the doing. We will, I guess. Dig in and start.

It's all just something to keep us busy for 8 hours and keep the paycheck coming, anyway. "We all work for the money," Jay told me long ago.

But let me tell you about traveling to Germany. (My worry and problem, I realize now, is that I'd rather not have to do it all by myself. Going through Passport Control? Not really scary. Getting off a plane in a foreign country where you don't speak the language? Okay, it's fine, and thankfully airports are all the same, and nicely Anglicized (is that a word?) so at least you can read the signs. Getting a taxi? Same in every country I guess. But still: all those things feel less stressful when you have a buddy. It didn't work out for me to have a buddy this time; everyone had to travel on different days. I made it, obviously -- I was given step-by-step instructions, down to the specifics of "Your can find an ATM to the left of baggage claim, and your cab ride to the hotel will probably cost you 60 Euros," and it was a relief and accomplishment to Make It, but next time I'd really rather not have to do all the thinking.

I may be 42, but I still prefer to feel taken care of. I was glad Malissa did the driving while we were there, or we could ask a hotel or restaurant person to call us a cab. The people speaking German could order our food for us. I never had to pay for meals past a certain point (company expense). And I was so much more comfortable having Shawn pick me up at the airport yesterday -- I could have parked my car there and driven myself home, but this way I was allowed to relax after a long day on the plane.)

There were beautiful parts, for sure. Driving by the cornfields. Seeing the foothills of the nearby Alps (very near Austria and Italy). The history and architecture in Munich. Sightseeing and crowds because there was a festival (Munich's Gay Pride as it turns out). No, wait, that wasn't actually a "favorite" part. Too crowded, too hot. I liked the Viktaulienmarkt. The classic Bavarian villages. The factory, at my company, and the people who work there -- having written about our company history/philosophy for so long, it was nice to see the actual "heartbeat." Being with the kind, good, fun people on my team. Having truly enjoyable, festive, celebratory meals. Having free time to read or do nothing in the evenings. (Blessed relief for a mom, no matter what!) Open windows at the hotel, even all night long, because it was SO HOT without AC. Seeing that little church around the corner. Our hotel itself, which was adorable. Bavaria, in general, and knowing now where it is, and what it is. I'm so grateful for all of that. And the chance to move around the world on someone else's dime is pretty sweet.

Returning on a Friday is also awesome.

First International Travel since 1999

I leave tomorrow for Germany. Am I ready? Not yet. I have bought a plug adapter, two luggage tags, and some new clothes; I have downloaded the airline app and made copies of my expedited passport (totally arrived in time, darn); and I have talked with the seasoned coworkers about where to find the ATM in the Munich airport. I've called AT&T and my debit and credit card companies to let them know where I'll be using their products. I even downloaded some podcasts to keep me busy during the long flights, and of course I'll take a book or two. I think I'm getting close to ready.

Work-wise, I'm also trying to prepare. Think smart. Sound professional. I have a need to impress, at this meeting, I think, which I'm not opposed to, but it's outside my comfort zone. Usually I am the attendee who sits quietly, listens, takes notes, and then I process and figure out what I think about things later. But I want to be on top of things for this one, and show 'em what I've got. Or at least, that's what I feel I'm expected to do. With the last few days of our manager's tenure remaining, maybe I'm starting to feel like I need to push harder, make a difference, be more leader-like, and make my career more meaningful. Or something. I'm wrestling with it because I really LIKE my "in the background" role and don't know if I want to give that up, exactly, but I also don't want to be seen as someone who needs another controlling manager. Lots of thoughts.

Tomorrow I'll be busy celebrating Alex's birthday in the morning (I took vacation time), while I pack my clothes and industrial-strength laptop bag. Tonight we'll go to dinner and maybe sing to him as a family. The week of the 25th, he'll finally get to have some semblance of a "party," which at 12, means just a friend coming to sleep over. Maybe a trip to the mall where I let them go off by themselves for a while (remember, Mom?). :)

I can't believe I haven't traveled abroad in so long. Since our family trip to Japan in 1999!