How I can relate to NASCAR

Never thought I'd write that sentence. Heh. The first time I introduced my then-boyfriend now-husband to the fam was in Indianapolis, and we went to the Indy 500 museum, where he explained the finer points of auto racing.

We knew nothing of racing, until that moment in time. We learned that Indy is not NASCAR. Ah, yes, the picture is clear now, we thought: Indy has Danica Patrick, and nicely laid bricks on the track, and the whole thing appears rather historical and... high-minded in comparison. HOWEVER...! DH grew up watching NASCAR; then he learned the inner workings from an internship in PR (PR! Business! Not dirty!) at the Charlotte Motor Speedway. So I've developed at least a spouse's appreciation for all those endearing beer guts ahem, race day. :)

But today I discovered, in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, that little miss piano-lessons, debutante, thought-I-was-too-good-for-NASCAR can no longer keep such a distance from it! I'll paraphrase:

"The fastest crash course in how to be a Modern Southerner (in Atlanta) is to attend a NASCAR race.... the sport itself is really just bad driving and tailgating and cussing at one another at excessive speed, which most of us know how to do from commuting on Ga. 400" (or any of the God-forsaken, asphalt-spitting metro area highways).

Ba-haaaa! I've lived here ten-plus years, people. Atlantans are all NASCAR, at our core. Cussing and tailgating.

Maybe I should get a "3" for my bumper.

My Gift to You

I haven't had anything to say for 2 days. I don't want to bore everyone. As my Archives column gets longer and longer, I've been feeling like my blogging is the epitome of a self-centered pursuit. I mean, I've tied up little treasures of AJ's babyhood with a nice ribbon, here, and someday I will really enjoy reminiscing over this time in our lives. But the stretch of that list just seems egotistical, when I haven't really contributed to the greater good -- or even the tomes of good writing -- y'know? I went to lunch by myself yesterday, and as I was driving there, thought, "Well, it's good to have some time alone to think..." But then I stopped myself and admonished: "Wha-? You 'think' all the time! You LIVE inside your head! And publish it to the Internet, for some reason!" So that's where I'm at. (<-- Look! I just used one of my grammatical pet-peeves! I hate that sentence!) Trivial "Wonh-wonh-wonh-wah-wah" sometimes shouldn't be shared, just for the sake of a daily update. You're quite welcome.

Grandad's still in ICU, but he's doing better, we think. Husband feels he needs to go up there. And conveniently, we both have next TH and FR off work. Unfortunately, we had already bought plane tickets for a trip to New Hampshire, concocted by my college roommate -- a "mini reunion" of our little group of friends. We're thinking I'll just go by myself now. It'd have been fun to hold hands with my Hubby while walking down streets I've never seen, but oh well. Family comes first, and I know Nanny will appreciate having him to help her. Either way, AJ gets a break from both of us, so he probably wins the most. :)

Here's what I'm going to do, so I feel that I've Given Something Back today. I'm sharing a recipe. WAIT! An Idea! How about: Easy, Breezy Recipe Thursday, or something? All the cool kids are using clever "Pick-a-day" titles now. Anyway, here. You'll love this dessert!

Gina's Pretzel Pie

2 cups crushed stick pretzels
1.5 sticks melted butter or margarine
3 tablespoons sugar

Mix above ingredients together and press into a 9x13 pan or Pyrex dish. Bake 8-10 minutes at 300 degrees F.

Beat 8 oz. cream cheese, 10 oz. Cool Whip, and 1 cup sugar. Pour over cooled crust.

Top w/ fresh fruit or pie filling of your choice. (We like strawberries.)

Now, if you want to give me an easy recipe, I'm all ears. Dessert's the topic since I'm feeling my sweettooth. But after that, on with your day! Nothing to see here!

Items 1, 2, and 3

Bullet-point post!

• Home decor's on my mind. I'm supposed to call it "homecaring," to render it less daunting and more like an Act of Love, says [my self-appointed therapist] Sarah B. Breathnach. Some are genius at it; my friend Pam adds all the right personal touches, and rearranges every few months so her house always looks fresh to my eyes. I wish I could do that. Saturday I tried moving my stuff around -- replacing old pictures, putting things away that had been sitting in the same spot for years -- and things do look slightly renewed.... but I'm not completely at ease just yet. I think it's funny when your inner Creative gets shaken up, somehow, and things look different to you. I mean, Friday I looked at my mantle and thought nothing. Saturday? It made me MAD that it was so boring and stupid. Ha! Also: Feng Shui says if you move 27 things, your fortunes will change. I counted, and that's about how many I moved, so Vegas, here we come!
• AJ has a new friend. There once was a giant yellow Care Bear. A "cuddle pillow," specifically. We received it at one of the baby showers, and until recently, it was contained in its plastic bag, buried in AJ's closet under all kinds of hand-me-down clothes I hadn't sorted yet. I hated that thing, frankly. But we're in the season of Organize at our house -- possibly spurring the decor thing -- so I broke down and unwrapped it.... aaaaand he LOVES it. He slept OVER it last night, his head and feet about 3 inches lower than his middle, because it's so dang big. I'm glad on the one hand -- his pacifier is going to go away forever here, soon, and it's good to have a replacement soothie. But Funshine Bear is not going to be so easy to take, say, on a plane or into the grocery store. Yikes.
• Charlotte's Web (the TV movie) is still as sweet and good as it was in 1973 -- gasp! I know right?! That is OLD. And so are we! -- and now Debbie Reynolds sings to me, every day, "Chin UP!" It's good advice and I appreciate her for it. It's also AJ's favorite part of the movie. He marches around and sings "Tee! Up!" at random moments throughout the day. I mean, could he BE any cuter??

Waiting on client.

We sometimes use "WOC" to mean "waiting on client" or, "thank-god-I-am-not-responsible-if-this-project-is-late," in our office project log. I feel like that's much too frivolous a title for the news that DH and I are just waiting 'til the next phone call from his Mom, to find out how Grandad is doing. It was "pretty good," until later last night, when it was "not so good." And we haven't heard anything since, which is good, because every time the phone rings I hesitate.

I am, also and actually, WOC today, so I had time to do this stupid meme, another very idle occupation in the face of such life-and-death --- oh hell, there's my phone again -- (whew, just DH at the store wondering if I need anything) -- matters.

So, my apologies. But to take my mind off it:

The High School meme

1. Who was/were your best friend(s)?
You know her as "larry." Still is my BF! I'm lucky because she married my cousin so now we're Family!

2. What sports did you play?
Cheerleading is a sport. (larry and) I played it for 3 out of 4 years.

3. What kind of car did you drive?
1990 silver Ford Tempo with RED INTERIOR, we mustn't forget!

4. It's Friday night- where were you?
At the football game in the fall, or at a community theater rehearsal if winter/spring.

5. Were you a party animal?
No. I never got invited to the parties. I didn't much care, either. (Sometimes I cared.)

6. Were you a considered a flirt?
Not really, I don't guess, but there was one guy I was openly flirty with in 10th grade World History. And what a debacle that turned out to be. Heh.

7. Ever skip school?
I don't think I did. Unless it was an educational activity like Math Team or the county vocal competition or something.

8. Were you a nerd?
Assuredly.

10. Did you get suspended/expelled?
Heavens, no.

11. Can you sing the fight song?
Pretty sure we didn't have one. Lame!

12. Who was your favorite teacher?
Ms. Jernigan, my 9th grade French teacher

13. Favorite class?
Junior and Senior English tie for favorite, academically. I liked Trig, too. TYPING was fun, senior year, because larry and I both had little crushes on boys in that class (I think? was K in there, too?) and the teacher let us goof off quite a bit.

14. What was your school's full name?
Pensacola Catholic High School

15. School mascot?
Crusader

16. Did you go to Prom?
Junior and Senior years.

17. If you could go back and do it over, would you?
Not a chance.

18. What do you remember most about graduation?
The ceremony itself? I remember walking into the gymnasium where it was held. (I know, isn't that sentimental?) Surprisingly, I barely remember giving my speech.

19. Favorite memory of your Senior Year?
It's a toss-up between Prom and our class trip to DisneyWorld.

20. Were you ever posted up on the senior wall?
I don't know what that means.

21. Did you have a job your senior year?
Nope. I was footloose and fancy-free.

23. Where did you go most often for lunch?
The "senior lunchroom." Heh. Soooo not a perk. But we thought it was.

24. Have you gained weight since then?
Yeah, about 12 pounds I guess. And thanks for bringing THAT up.

25. What did you do after graduation?
My mom & dad had a party at our house, with just our relatives and larry's family, and then larry and I went to the all-night school-sponsored party, called "Grad Night," I believe. It was held at one of the military bases' Rec Centers, so there was a pool and bowling and video games and they even hired a hypnotist, oooooh!

26. When did you graduate?
1992

27. Where are most of your classmates?
I suspect most are still in the P'cola area, but I know of several who've moved away.

28. Ten year reunion, you going?
Already did. It was pretty fun. Everyone looked fantastic, at least. And most of the guys were nice; the girls? Meh. There were still a few bitches. But I got a good buzz so what do I care. ;)

29. Who was your home room teacher?
Well it changed every year… my last one was Mrs. Soule, the cool senior religion teacher.

30. Who will repost this after you?
I doubt anyone cares as much as I do! Larry may be unable to resist, now that I've jogged her memory. (Answer in comments or in your own blog if you want!)

*Blushing*

Ohmygoodness, I am a B4B Finalist! :) Wheeee!

And Melessa, too! Congratulations, Melessa!

Ends with run-on sentences

So, I was talking with my best friend the other day on the phone, and what should come up in our innocuous conversation but -- I don't know what we were originally talking about... recipes? shoes? the dollar spot at Target? but all of a sudden WHAMMO! -- topic = Baby Number Two.

Y'see, she had spoken to my Darling Husband during Beach Week, who tipped her off that after AJ turned two, the T-family goalie would be pulled, as Metrodad says, and there would be much rejoicing. :) And this is what DH and I have discussed, of course. But actually sharing that with people and making it real? Color me a teensy bit unsure.

A), -- well, first there's A, The Obvious: How in God's name will I handle TWO little people at the same time???! -- but that's been covered in so many blogs I don't need to reiterate the Fear here. Breastfeeding AND potty-training AND no sleep, oh my.

My real A), is: I don't know why I do this but I think of getting pregnant in terms of my job, and my coworkers. We've had a bit of turnover in the last week-ish, and so making any announcements sorta shakes everyone up. More important, I suspect that a certain coworker who deserves it very much, is also wishing on making a baby at this time. This someone, very dear to me, is also in my department, so to have us both with maternity leave at roughtly the same time, if it worked out that way, might be difficult for the company. WHY DO I CARE about the company, you ask? Heck, I don't know. I suppose the government dictates that they would just have to FIGURE IT OUT, because they can't fault us ladies for gettin' knocked up, no matter when nor where nor how many. But it's a small company, I can't help but think of it as a little family, and you know -- you have to consider the good of the whole, when it's a family. (Note: In the grand picture of the world, I know this is no real reason to NOT have baby #2 whenever the heck we want... It just crosses my mind is all.)

B), I would NEVER want to steal this dear coworker's thunder, which I hope she knows. I heart her very much and if this happens for her and her hubby, I would be the MOST excited for her. (Although it might be fun to share the experience, too. ICE CREAM IN THE COMPANY FRIDGE, is all I'm sayin'.)

But C), I desperately want AJ to have a sibling he's close to. I know from my own experience that IT IS AWESOME. :) I can't imagine life without my sister, and gosh, it'd be neat for AJ to have a playmate RIGHT IN HIS OWN HOUSE. They say that you space them 2 years apart if you want them to be friends, or 4 years for economics. But in two more years? I might be ready to be all done with diapers. It seems like a long time to wait, and besides, they wouldn't even be in high school together, ever. And that'd be a bummer, I think. Because nothing says "I love you, little brother," like ignoring him in the cafeteria or at the football game.

Finally D), It would probably be quite good for ME, personally, to have a baby -- despite getting FAT again and lordy I fear trying to lose the baby weight after #2, because I've heard it's HARD, and I remember my aforementioned best friend working out like CRAZY after her 2nd was born, and I'm also NOT as fit now as I was in 2003 when I got pregnant the first time -- but it would STILL be GOOD for me because if there is ONE THING I love to do, it is to smother AJ with kisses. And I have a feeling that he is going to wash his hands of ALL that nonsense as he gets older and realizes people are LOOKING AT HIM. So another baby would be a good thing to have because, my word! The overflow of LOVE has got to be poured out on SOMEONE. :)

Gratitude journal

• I'm so grateful for my iPod! When all else fails -- or when all else is good! Either way! -- the following tunes put me in quite a good mood: "It's Your Thing, by the Isley Brothers, "You Get What You Give," by the New Radicals, "Something More," by Sugarland, and "Here I Am," by Andrew Hyra. Mmm, that's-a-good-a music.
• Volumizing Shampoo. Because VOLUMIZING Shampoo is really the way to go. My hair has bounce! It holds its style! It's Hawwwwwwt! with the Volumizing. So I think I made a big mistake at BJs, buying Pantene Moisturizing Shampoo for "dry & damaged" hair -- a colossal-sized bottle for only $6.99. I think the Moisturizing totally weighs stick-straight locks like mine down. If anyone wants a bottle of shampoo, I am giving one away.
• Sleeeeeeeeep. I am grateful for sleep. In fact, so grateful that I would like some more, please.
• My husband's Grandad is having surgery today to remove a malignant tumor in his intestines. He's 80. It's scary, because his lungs are not strong enough to support this surgery -- they're putting him on a ventilator. I'm so grateful that I know him, and that he's being brave and fighting cancer, when he could have chosen to just sit and wait. And I'm grateful for his doctors who, I trust, will take care of his fragile body. My thoughts are all in Tennessee today. I'm grateful for Tennessee.

Shopping with el-e-e

Disclaimer: There is nothing really that interesting about this post. Just your general blah, talking to myself.

I've decided I'm done with BJs Wholesale Club. I was wary before joining last year, and yesterday's trip just made me mad. I wanted Fruit Loops; they had a 3-pack with FLs, Apple Jacks, and Corn Pops. I wanted toilet paper; they carry every brand except the kind with aloe, which my darling husband would be thrilled to know I've told you he prefers. I wanted frozen chicken breasts; they carry a 4.5-pound bag or a ten-pounder, neither of which I can accommodate in my side-by-side. They've got Coke, but not caffeine-free. They've got Altoids, but not cinnamon. ARRRRRRGH. At every turn I was just ticked the hell off.

So I'm all done with you, sucky BJs. Maybe, maybe I'll consider Sam's or Costco, because perhaps their selection will be better. But until I have a family of fourteen (not! very! likely!) I don't need ya. Or your aloe-less TP, either, so there!

In my other attempt to break the bank -- oh, did I not say that? I spent $105 even as I was hating the store! Ya gotta have your diapers and your 1,000-feet of alumimun foil! -- I also went to Talbots yesterday. And they're having their semi-annual sale, [larry!] so you better go check it out. I found some good deals, and that made me happy.

Happy is a good thing. I was thinking, the other day, about how much I actually, genuinely smile in a typical day. Not enough, that is for certain. Oh, yes, I smile at AJ -- plenty of happy in that department -- but otherwise? Um... not really. I used to be labeled "Bubbly," but THAT seems so far from the truth lately that it's really hilarious in itself. Except... not laughing. I just read about laughter yoga and I'm pretty intrigued. Evidently, you can cause all kinds of health and inner harmony by getting together with a bunch of strangers, walking around in a circle, and repeating,

"I don't know why I'm laughing. Ha. Ha. Ha. I don't know why I'm laughing."

I tried this yesterday in the car (not the walking around in a circle part), after my annoying Wholesale Club experience. I did the exercise By Myself, which just shows you how intent I am on Bringing the Joy! And I did end up actually laughing, but mostly because it felt so ridiculous and pathetic. Maybe that's entirely the point. There's a laughter-yoga group in my area... Might be kinda cool, you know? It'd be like Tai Chi, only funnier. :) Anyone want to join me?

Bubbly. Heh.

Call me FlyLady

Some things I accomplished yesterday:

• Wielded Mop and bleach against the laundry room floor. Badly needed doing. I am all about bleaching these days.
• Cleaned all three toilets, wa-hoo.
• Washed a load of towels.
• Emptied the dishwasher, my least favorite of all chores.

And that is it. I didn't vacuum, I didn't dust. The house isn't entirely cleaned up. My theory? What reason have we to LIVE, if EVERYTHING is already done? This explains a lot about me as a person! Some people do a project start-to-finish. But me, I'm ok if the last bit remains undone, at least if there's no deadline. Lazy much? :) Laundry's the perfect example. I'm okay with washing, drying, and folding. I mean, if it's not folded then it's getting all wrinkly and unwearable and everyone knows that's no good. BUT! When it's eleven-thirty o'clock p.m., and it hurts just to BE awake, putting all the folded t-shirts and socks away goes to the bottom of my priority list. My chair is sitting there for a reason, and no one's going to sit in it overnight, so the socks will be just fine there. They can wait until tomorrow. Drives my husband out of his head.

Edited to add:
In other cleaning news, I've finally surrendered to the inevitable... I am now using something similar to this for toy storage In Our Living Area. Ugh! Ugh! and Ugh. SO not pretty. But SO the only way to successfully manage HotWheels and Legos. I was hoping to avoid plastic-meets-pier-one, as a signature "look." But there it is.

Between feet

This is my Blogging 4 Books entry.

It's hot and steamy out, 5:00 pm, July, Georgia... NOT, I can assure you, my favorite time to be out of doors, especially when there's cold tea in the fridge and conditioned air to be savored. Wouldn't you know, that's exactly the time yesterday that Napoleon, our dear almost-ten-year-old lab/chow, starts jumping out of his skin, desperate to potty. Again. (It is going to take some getting used to, this "older dog" thing. Nap's had a bladder of steel his whole life, being raised from birth as an apartment dog. But no longer. Have yard, will pee.)

When Nap starts hopping one foot to the other, AJ joins the club immediately. He KNOWS it means he's going to get to play "ow-hide." With two of 'em whining, what can I do? I sigh, grab the Off wipes to towel us down, and step out holding my breath, facing the humidity.

It actually isn't so bad. We have pretty large trees all over our property, so there's at least a bit of shade. And since the birthday, we've got all kinds of new toys to occupy the 15 or 20 minutes that AJ's attention will likely last. The orange bubble gun is his first favorite: Kajillions of grape-scented (yes.) bubbles with just one pull on the trigger! And I get to be proud of his developing manual dexterity -- a "handy" skill for bubbles, har har. He chases 'em down, wanting to blow them this way and that way, and we drain the soap tray twice, then he quickly gets on his new toddler-trike and I push him around the driveway. It's like he's in a race to accomplish as many toys as he can before dinnertime. Next up, the soccer ball.

We're not really a soccer family. Neither DH nor I ever played it, never have watched it much (maybe one high school game when I thought I was crushing on the class soccer guy), and we don't even know anyone who plays regularly. Of course, we both grew up before soccer-moms were soccer-moms, before every mini-van in town had That Sticker on the bumper, before the World Cup was cool. But AJ, he's a little boy, and little boys need! things! to kick and throw, and so that is what he begins to do outside in the evening heat. And then Daddy arrives home. And then interestingly, everything somehow slows down a little bit and the light seems softer.

"Heeyyyy, AJ," DH says in his gentle Savannah accent. "How was your day, Buddy?"

(AJ's very busy placing the ball in an azalea bush, then knocking it down.)

"Kick it to me," Daddy suggests.

And AJ does. He sets the ball down in front of him and taps it with his little foot. Daddy taps it over to me. I steer it gently with a graceful kick try not to trip over it and manage to bare-foot it back in AJ's general direction.

"Now AJ toon," he says to no one in particular. He toddles over, stops, studies the ball, and kicks it again, right to his Daddy. And so our little triangle continues -- DH and me chatting, grinning, AJ trying new moves here and there, and giggling when he has a big success -- for a good long while, until finally I remember that the spaghetti sauce inside needs stirring. I leave the boys to their moment.

They don't come in until later, both a little sweaty and pink-cheeked. I just smile, hoping that in their lifetimes, they'll share a lot like this, between their feet.

The time of his life

Dear AJ,
I have never been more thrilled than I was to watch you turn two this weekend. You are my big boy now! Your smiles -- both spontaneous and "pasted-on," which you now can do on command -- are bigger than the biggest sun, and full of so much life (and teeth!). When your grandparents arrived on Friday and you made laps around the house, giddy with the excitement of your impending party, it made me feel like a kid, myself! I wanted to squeal with delight that you were so delighted. You knew that all the attention was meant for you, and I wanted you to just revel in that, even letting you stay up WAY past bedtime because you were having so much fun. It's fun for me to witness that -- I don't think I've ever seen you happier. This weekend you built race-tracks out of wooden blocks with your Daddy, and I know that meant so much to him. I can't believe you played that game for 30 full minutes! You rode your trike ("bike") and let "ebber-body" push you up and down the driveway, telling us to go "Dat way." You ate cake, with a fork, at a table -- a bit different from last year's headfirst dive into blue frosting! And you blew the candle out. (It was fun practicing that.) You DANCED! Something you've not cared one whit about before. You played with your friends, and even though you made that pleading, "Nooo, that's MY toy," face a few times, Mommy knew it was all a big act, and in the end you shared. You behaved when we went out to a fancy dinner, AND... as if a switch has been magically flipped, you, at two, are EATING! I can't tell you how much THAT pleases me. I'm not sure why you didn't sleep well -- why you're going through this little stage where you call out and cry for me multiple times in the night -- but I hope it's just because you've been so wound up for four days, and we'll get past it. This weekend, you constantly asked, "Where my pah-ty?" and "Where my boh-day?" -- hands up, questioning -- and melted my heart a thousand times.

I am so glad you had fun, Sweet Boy. I am so, so proud of you!

There's a trike in my trunk

It's going to be an awesome weekend. Happy "Boh-day," AJ! I will post photos of the guest of honor next week.

Gadgets

I like that on work from home days I can use some of the gadgets we received as wedding presents lo these many 5 years ago -- things that normally would sit quietly in a cabinet collecting dust for the next 20 years or so. On weekends with the busy schedules (and strong desire to eat out!), I never think to use them, but when I'm sitting here working (blogging), I figure I might as well multitask. Usually, it's the crock pot. I'm still learning -- we've had moderate success with c-p recipes. Today, however, it's the bread machine. If all goes well, I should have steamy, delicious French bread ready by noon. Mmmm.

The "small" birthday party I was planning for AJ is growing. I guess I didn't really think to count all the parents of his little friends. Heh, whoops. :) Good thing my mom and mom-in-law will also be around to help. It's just cake and ice cream, right? This morning I asked AJ how old he was going to be on his birthday. I had to prompt him with "Two?" And he replied, "Ayyyyy, five." Which means, "And, five." :) Let's hope not! Two is approaching so fast already!!

Hey, how about an update a la Melessa:

Reading:
I finished Jodi Piccoult's Plain Truth during our vacation. I loved it. She is a great writer -- anyone agree? She may be turning into one of my favorites. I think I want to read a third of her books, which really says something. I'm not typically a multiple-books-by-one-author kind of girl. I guess I feel like it's a waste of time? But Piccoult really tells a good story. This one, of course, intrigued the heck out of me with the Amish characters. Since I was pretty young, I've been fascinated by them, the Shakers -- all those guys. Plus! It was a sort-of murder mystery, and for the first time in maybe my whole life, I had the culprit figured out WAY before it was revealed. I am so smrt. :)

I'm also trying to read Daniel Pink's A Whole New Mind, which is something I never would have picked up had it not been recommended to me. It's pretty good, though -- all about how the [business] world is now driven more by the right side of the brain, the creative side, than the left. It's very true; design and aesthetic is more important than ever in this era of abundance, as he calls it. I'm learning a lot. Funny thing, though -- he recommends "Real Simple" magazine as a great example of a design mag we all should read. I picked one up yesterday and once again, I didn't think it was all that fantastic. Designed beautifully, yes. It's a pretty magazine. But the articles have never once blown me away. Nor the recipes. I keep trying to love it, but I just don't. Maybe I'm missing something?

Watching:
Once again, last night we watched Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares on BBC America. That show is eff-ing hilarious. And I only say "eff-ing" because HE swears every other word with his very British accent and slang, and half the time we don't know which are the swear words! We love it. We laugh out loud. The show is really a documentary as he goes into flailing restaurants and tells the owners and chefs what they're doing wrong. There's almost always a big blow-out fight between Ramsay and the head chef, and it's just cool to watch the inner workings of a restaurant business. If you have BBC America, totally check it out.

Question for my friends with UK spouses! Do you love BBC America? Is it, for your spouse, a little taste of home? Or an annoying plot to Americanize everything we Americans can get our hands on? Just wondering.

Concentrate.

I think there should be rules governing the placement of a national holiday in the middle of the week. As in, they should not do that to us! It just skews everything right out of focus and makes you think "Hey hey, it's the weekend!" when in fact it is definitely NOT the weekend. I am having trouble regaining my bearings today. How about you?

It's partly because of being off yesterday, and doing nothing but laying on my couch, then finding a different position in which to lay on the couch, and racing cars with AJ on the floor. But mostly because today is Buy Presents for AJ's Birthday Day, and I am excited. We took him to Mecca Target yesterday, to see what vibes we would get when we drove by certain items. We got this vibe when we drove by the "Cars"-the-movie end-cap display: "Lellow Cawww! Lello Cawww! Lellllllloooooo Cawwwww! (sob, sob, whine whine, sob)."

So I think he wants one of those.

We also got a good feeling about a bubble machine, and lots of Spiderman things caught his attention, and Bob the Builder, and some Hot Wheels cars, and he actually ASKED for Wolverine, which made his daddy VERY happy. Even if he grins ear-to-ear for 3 minutes, then tosses the item on the floor and moves on, those grins are almost worth my $6.99. I think the shopping trip will be a fantastic way to spend my every last dollar lunch hour, and I can't wait. :)

Until then, I must concentrate on the actual web site content I am supposed to be writing. Ugh. Work actually HURTS my brain.

Vacation by the Numbers

Number of my relatives who joined us at the beach: 60

Number of times I used a hair dryer or wore makeup while at the beach: 0

Number of days it took before I could let go of all my annual "beach issues," like worrying over too much scheduling, too many cousins, etc., and just relax: 3

Number of toes I had pedicured with my sister: 10

Number of dread diseases I contracted while at the beach: 2 (strep and pinkeye)

Number of dread diseases DH contracted: 1 (pinkeye, in 2 eyes) -- AJ caught none, thank God

Number of grapes AJ ate: 400

Number of times a day he therefore pooped: at least 3

Number of times he poured water from one plastic bucket to the other: infinite

Number of hours per day he napped, being so tired from sun and surf: 2.5 or 3

Number of ER visits: 1 (not us, but poor G! Hope he's feeling better!)

Number of times we watched the duck movie: lost count after 14

Number of dollars spent on clothes at the outlet mall: approx. $300

Number of sunburns we got: zero! go us with the sunscreen!

Number of times I wished I could be back at work: negative 80

Number of times I was grateful: probably not enough

Number of weeks until next year's vacation: 51

Gratitude journal

No preaching today, I promise. Don't go thinking I'm all good and holy. I'm truly, embarrassingly not. Just sometimes I get a chance to be silent for a while, and it is good for my soul. I like remembering it, so I write it down.

Here's the AJ report: MAN, did he wake up grumpy today! And he was last night, too! No Brush Teef! No Eat! (not even ABCs and 123s from a can. I do not understand him, those are the BEST and a critical kid food-group.) No Tooo (school)! No Mama Room! RRRAWR, it was annoying. Kid needs a damn vacation.

Here's the vaca report: We leave tomorrow! We were going to leave tonight, but I think we need one night to chill on our couch (after we pack), instead of scurrying around like little squirrels in November, like we have done all week -- not to mention giving AJ one more good night's rest to try and kick this cold. So here's to 6:00 am tomorrow!

Here's the gratitude report: 1. For my husband, who takes a figurative punch to the gut every day and continues to push through. I am so grateful for his constancy. 2. For my parents, who are planning (and paying for) another wonderful, relaxing weekend (full week!!) that is so needed I can't even tell you!! 3. For coffee. 4. For Zinc and Echinacea. (yep, my glands are swollen and throat hurts) 5. For the gift of an idea, finally -- an easy Ice Cream Sundaes birthday party at our house -- and a Party City right across the street!

God uses Clorox

I read this post at one of my new favorite-est sites yesterday, about cleaning products. I'm not a huge fan of cleaning, but I do like to live in a clean home, so recently I embarked on the Great Bleaching of the Tile project here at my casa. It went well. I sat on the floor and scrubbed all the grout in our master bath, and BOY, does it look good. It took a minute to get used to, since the outline of every tile appeared to have been erased. It looked like a "blank" floor there, for a while. But it thrilled me to have removed years (yes! years!) of nasty foot residue. (I'll wait while we all *shudder*.... twitch, twitch, *shudder again*... okay. Sorry. Shake it off.)

Last night, inspired by all the Clorox-talk over at Mir's, and needing to disinfect our place from AJ's recent hoarde of germs, I donned the blue gloves and got busy again. This time, the downstairs half-bath. It, too, was in grand need of a washing, and this time I wore gloves because last time, my knuckles actually started to bleed from scraping the floor with bleach as I worked my sanitizing toothbrush! (Don't you feel sorry for me?!) Anyway, last night was a good time to do it. I was tired, and DH was working very late, and AJ had gone to bed, so it was just me and my thoughts and the *bleach fumes. (Note! fumes!)

For some reason, a church song got stuck in my head; I think because of the rhythm of the scrubbing, which was very even, just like the straight rhythm of the eighth notes in these verses. The words go,

"If-an-y-one-lives-with-Me,
Then-they-must-die-with-me,
If-you-hold-firm-you-will-reign-with-me..."

And I wondered to myself, What does that really mean? To die with Jesus? It is, of course, to suffer with him. We always hear, "one must die to one's self." Accept God's will instead of our own. Surrender. The heart is willing but the flesh is weak -- it's not easy to do this. It's suffering... but that's the key! Jesus' death was full of pain, and suffering. And yet, He did it. He didn't want to go through what he went through. He Begged his Father to make it go away. Much like I beg! But if we are to live with Him in eternity, we must die -- suffer -- too. Pretty powerful stuff. I also started thinking, as I Cinderella'd my floors, about the Latin phrase I've learned from the very wise Selkie : Ancilla Domini. I love when she posts under that category -- it means, "handmaid of the Lord." Maid -- handmaid -- Cinderella -- cleaning lady. That's the connection. (Remember, I'm buzzing on fumes by this point!) You know who said ancilla domini, right? Mary! 2nd-best example of accepting God's will! Maybe she "DIN't WANNA" be a mom right away. Maybe she was planning on being an artist, and selling her pottery in the market! Or maybe she simply wanted to enjoy being a housewife for a while. (I know, I know, gender roles... she probably would have been pregnant within a week of her marriage anyway, but who knows what she was thinking. I can adapt the story a bit for the sake of my self-serving-sermon!) But she said, "I am the handmaid of the Lord. Let it be done to me according to thy will." A phrase I need to embrace and embrace again. Every. day.

The bath was half-done at this point, when another appropriate song drifted without warning into my consciousness:

"We shall draw water joyfully,
singing joyfully, singing joyfully,
We shall draw water joyfully
From the wellspring of salvation."

Quite funny, since I was, in fact, drawing (rinse) water from the pink bucket to my left. But again, there was a message: Do your work joyfully. Of course I was joyful to be doing this work (Feet! goo! *shudder*) -- but I asked myself... is there some work, perhaps, in my life, that I do not do joyfully? Hmmm??? Perhaps my clean bathroom floors are God's intention to help me, as I've asked Him to do, learn to accept things in my life with less resistance. Less muck, less whiny b.s. in my heart. More joy. (Not that you should accept the status quo or not try to change your situation, if it's bad; but you know what I mean, right?)

Of course these are all things I've known. But I was happy to have them revealed to me again, in a way I could understand, in the moment. SDW, it was one of those tiny whispers you talked about. :) I'm not done with this topic; I would like to absorb it all and really start living it, but we're all works in progress, all the time. I'll likely never be finished with the work of surrender, because it's hard. Harder than scrubbing floors with a toothbrush. But the reward is similar: Clean floors! Clean heart!

illustrative photo

Please see the antique laundry wringer and my current state of being, to your right. New feature! Instant Personality! Woo!

Zucchini Bread

I made some zucchini bread the other day in an attempt to sneak a vegetable into AJ's banana bread-loving mouth. It is dry. I am a whole wheat flour virgin -- at least I was, until Sunday night -- but how can a recipe with 1 cup canola oil, and a big wad of wet grated zucchini, come out dry? Anyone? Bueller? Is it the whole wheat or my poor cooking? (Don't answer that.) But, do. If you know.

Sucky things

Here are some things I've done in the last 2 days that haven't been all that much fun:

1. Made my first visit to the pediatric ER. Yah. It's located in the back of the hospital, among the dirt and unnerving chain-link construction fence where they are re-doing the parking lot. And it's about 34 degrees in the triage waiting area. My kid was probably grateful for the cool air on his 103 degree lethargic body, but I was not-so-much. ERs can be kind of yucky places, even when they're playing Shrek II on the DVD.

2. Held my child against his will on the X-ray table. He looked at me with little doe-eyes of horror when they put the lead skirt over his legs and tied it on him. He didn't know what the hell he was doing there and screamed to make sure everyone knew it. Of course I had to force his head to face forward, while they made a clean chest x-ray. His chest is fine.

3. Bathroom tile. Grout. Toothbrush. Clorox. (that was Sunday and I still smell the fumes in my nose.)

4. Rescheduled a conference call for work in a 12:30am pleading email to the client, only to have them NOT CHECK EMAIL before calling me 15 minutes after the event was supposed to start. I know they were thinking, "This slacker is 15 minutes late calling us." I had to gently ask "Did you get my email?" And wait while they checked it. And then listen to them feel bad for being mad at me before. That whole episode sucked of embarrassment and unprofessional-ness but whatcanyado?

That's it, I guess. Oh wait:
5. Left AJ with his Aunt Colleen and listened to him cry and scream because he's never been left with her before. He's met her, but he was understandably confused about why Mommy was leaving. OUCH. Hurts a little bit, every time.

Sigh.

Home again, home again

AJ is home with me again. I am convinced his molars are coming in and that is what's causing these weird fevers. We keep thinking, "He's all better!" and then at dinner, he goes all stare-into-space and then crawls into the crook of his Daddy's neck and goes to sleep. While the Mariachi band is playing! Kid is not well. He slept well last night, and even though I got on my knees and asked PLEEEEEEEZE, God, to make him feel better in the morning, he woke up with between 102 and 103. Which isn't cause for worry when all other features of a kid seem OK, but.

It's GOT to be teething.

The good news is, my creative juices are flowing and today we have built a FORT, and marched, 2, 3, 4 around the house, and emptied the dishwasher together. He's in a good mood and I'm having fun. :)

I'm hoping the Motrin will create for me a long nap in which I can work. Last week before vacation.

Please tip your waitresses, I'll be here all eternity

You remember that Depeche Mode song called "Blasphemous Rumors?" The refrain went,

I don't wanna start
any blasphemous rumors,
But I think that God
has a sick sense of humor
and when I die, I expect
to find Him laughing...

I always felt a bit sacreligious listening to that song but had to admit it was one of my favorites of theirs, because I DO think sometimes God has a sense of humor (and also it is a very singable tune). This week I had a revelation about that -- not to mention I actually heard the song on the TV music channel! I am being chuckled at from Heaven (and I'm okay with it). To wit:

What's the one thing I want more than anything in the world? Right, to stay home with my boy. And how can I be super-sure that God has listened to and answered that prayer? AJ's been sick one day per week, these last four weeks. I've been forced to saty home with him. Heh. Not quite the way I wanted to be answered, but I've been told my whole life God's got his own way of answering prayers. Funny, huh? I am a tiny bit grateful for the gift of all that time with AJ, but I also wish he'd get well already. Thank you, God, for the lesson, and now please commence with the merciful healing.

A 2nd funny example of God talking to me: Of course one thing that would make it possible for me to stay home is more moo-lah. I try never to pray for money (tsk, tsk, it's SUCH bad form)! But God knows what's on my heart, and every time I say "If it's your will, let it be," he probably hears a tinge of "Sure wish we had more money money money."

THEREFORE! In another stinging little joke, as He's taught AJ to talk, God has also infused in him a LOVE of MOVIES. AJ will ask all day can he watch his movies movies movies. And I get slightly irritated. Except you know how he pronounces it? You betcha: "Wat money money money."

Hahahahahaha. I get it, God. Thank you again. Lesson received. :)

Public Service Announcement

Just FYI, Wendy's latest concoction is about like I'd expected: Not That Good. I tried the turkey basil and pesto "Frescata" -- winner of the 2006 "Not a Word!" contest -- and it was flavorful, but rather dry. Or maybe I'm just used to enjoying a mouthful of grease and tomato at Wendy's. We always used to call their burgers "The Messier, the Better!" Was that an ad slogan at one time? Anyway, I say stick with the Single w/Cheese unless you're dieting. In which case, do not stop, do not collect $200, get yourself over to Subway with Jared.

Incidentally, if you're into nicely designed web sites, I was goofing around trying to find other "Not a Word!" winners, and thought probably Taco Hell had some. They didn't, but their site is pretty slick.

Lookie

Perhaps I should
consider curtains. But still...
Pretties!





















And, oh, okay, one more:

This is to that, "food" edition

Honey Nut Cheerios :: Best cereal ever!

Yesterday's Rain :: Good for crops and gardens.

Fox's Hell's Kitchen :: Freaking hilarious! (And soooo stupid and contrived. But hilarious.)

My Banana Bread :: AJ's favorite. "Anana Bay."

My Spanish Rice :: Made up last night out of thin air. (And everyone -- yes, AJ too -- liked it and ate it!)

Week-old chocolate chip pound cake :: Should've been tossed after eating one piece (pound cake!!) but still sits on my counter. Garbage day is Thursday!

Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition

This week I am going to write about nothing but good things. I am going to resist nature's monthly urge to whine, and instead band-aid over it by Thinking Happy Thoughts. I am Mrs. Merry Sunshine, and gratitude is my weapon. EVERYBODY SMILE, DAMMIT.

--Children's (purple) Motrin gets my wholehearted endorsement. Even more wonderful, I did not have to administer it at all yesterday, after 3 days of shameless reliance on it. AJ survived his fever. I always imagine those who lived when fever was cause for major worry -- Laura and Mary Ingalls and their scarlett fever come to mind -- and wonder how they survived being mothers back then. Not to mention how they survived to grow old enough to become mothers, but I'm talking about surviving the fear of your child being ill. Even though we mothers today know the Motrin will kick in any minute now, it's a quiet hell to sit there and feel the wet, red heat coming from every surface of your little one. Those women in 1870 were tough as nails. But back to the grateful: Motrin! Hooray! AJ sucks it right down like honey.

--Good thing: My boss just left the office for a business trip. Always good when he's not here.

--Good thing: Blatantly doocing myself with the above statement. (Hi, coworkers!)

--Good thing: Pool-time with friends and acquaintances, and discovering spray-on sunscreen! I haven't known very many years of squirmy kids who won't let you put that zinc stuff on without a fight, but for those moms who have, here is your salvation! Just spray it on? GENIUS! I went right out and bought 2 bottles. The days of grinding little granules of razor-sharp SAND into your sensitive skin while applying lotion at the beach are officially over.

--Potty trained not-yet-3-year-olds are a VERY GOOD THING! Congrats, larry and family! It feels like forever before AJ will get there, but hey, what's a day if you can't hold your breath and look some poop right in the eye, eh?

Material girl

The china cabinet is installed and it looks beautiful. Pictures to follow after I gently position all my pretties inside! I have to say, one of the sweetest things about it is how much DH is anxious for it to be ready for me to "play with." He worked really hard last night, not even taking time to change out of his work attire, to clean off the masking tape residue from the glass and inspect the wood and the metal and all. He ran out to Home Depot to get some thingamabobs to help it sit level on the carpet. He checked and rechecked to make sure it is just right. The care with which he's preparing it says a lot to me. I'm one lucky material girl.

In other news, AJ woke up with worse fever this morning than he had yesterday, so once again he is not going to school. I swear, the money we have offered to the daycare gods is starting to add the hell up. The days he hasn't been there since May 1, that we've paid for (because he isn't ALLOWED to go, sick)? 5. Let's clicky-click on our calculators... that's 180 bucks, dude. This is why it is ANNOYING to live away from your family where there are no grandparents handy for such emergencies. This is also when I start wishing and whining for THINGS WHICH ARE NOT, which I am not supposed to mention.

ANNNNyway, let's talk about something else. What's new in the news? My Senior year American History teacher used to always ask that to begin her current events talk before class. A 10-second scan of this morning's cnn.com brought me to that HORRIBLE photo of the dead Al-Zarqawi, did you see it? -- gross, CNN!!!! Are you kidding me? His lips are blue! There is uncouth, and then there is UNcouth - and I don't care if he IS a terrorist of the worst kind, I don't need to see his extreme close-up, fat DEAD above the fold at 9:50 in the morning. Good Lord. -- and also this shark story, which is equally wonderful to behold right before our beach trip. Two news items proving that this world is not the same as when we were young and carefree. We used to go all the way to the sandbar, at least 200 yards out, swimming, jumping waves, getting nibbled by minnows, not a care in the world about possible sharks. Hours of pure innocent sunburn-inducing joy. I never even saw "Jaws." But no way am I letting my kid swim there, now that the beasts have been lured **by us** to the seaside for their snacks! They can keep their shark-teeth, thankyouverymuch. I'll be at the pool!

Oh, for Pete's sake.

Now we're throwing up and feverish. AJ, I mean. What is WITH this kid? What in heck are they feeding him down at that school? Woke my butt up at 12:30 last night and kept on yuking 'til about 2 am. That's TWO changes of the crib sheet, 2 sets of jammies, and one stuffed bunny that may never be the same.

On a day when all I wanted to do (besides work my tail off for Mr. Multi-National Corporation Owner, of course) was set up my pretty china cabinet. Doesn't he know Mama's got PRIORITIES?

Sheesh.

A day in the life

Remember, we did this in April? Invented by Sheryl, my content supplier. Seems every fun thing I find can be attributed to her! So without further adieu, my (yester)day:

June 6

5:50 am
Woke up ten minutes early to begin getting us all ready to get out the door early so DH and I could get to his colonoscopy appointment in midtown by 7:30. AJ actually woke up in a very pleasant mood (asking for "Cheh-joos [in] a bowl" first thing). We made it out the door on time!

7:40 am
DH whisked away for his procedure and I wave bye-bye. I've been waiting to sit here uninterrupted for 2 hours and dive into my book, because I can't wait to finish it before hosting Book Club tonight.

9:00 am
Tears sting my eyes as I read the last few pages. And no tissues to be found in my purse or the waiting room. I know people are looking at me. Crap! Stop it, tears! Heh, heh. GOOD BOOK.

9:15 am
Go back to DH's recovery area and listen to him mumble as the anesthesia wears off. Laugh 'cause we have the same dialogue twice -- he doesn't remember. The nurse tells me that they biopsied a lot of places in the intestine, and all of a sudden I think to get nervous because "biopsy" is sometimes a scary word. Selfish me, didn't even think about a negative possible result... should I have? Silently say the quickest prayer for good results. But not too worried, really.

9:30 am
Doc comes in, tells us (me) he looks great inside. Yay. I really like his gastroenterologist. DH is coming to now, so we get him dressed and head out to pick up some food (he hasn't eaten, as instructed, since noon the day before, and I haven't had b'fast so we're both starved).

10:15 am
Since he was such a good little patient, we stop at Best Buy. DH buys a movie and a video game, and I get a little treat for myself, as well. Best Buy on a weekday morning, without the Saturday masses? Very Cool. Then off to Sonic 'cause DH wants burgers and Cherry-Limeades. Yum! (I swear to myself after this, no "bad" food 'til after the Beach. Ha.)

11:30 am
We sit down at home, I open up the laptop and start my work-at-home day. Meanwhile, DH revs up the DVD player and relaxes, as he deserves. It is kinda hard to resist joining him -- the lights are off in the den, there's a cozy blanket on the couch... a nap would feel mighty nice... but I resist.

2:00 pm
Still working, checking web sites and taking 1 phone call. Make marinade for london broil, and put the meat in. Mmmm.

4:00 pm
Time to pick up AJ from dayare. He is standing at the glass door of his classroom when I get there and starts banging on it, The Graduate-style. It's very cute.

4:30 pm
Run through the bank drive-through, and head home. Let AJ watch 1 hour of his movies (Chip-n-Dale and Goofy on DVD). Now starts my stress-fest, since I'm having folks over. I make an appetizer dip, then stop. No one's coming 'til 7, Self, just relax. Then I make some tea. Then stop again. I have time, no need to freak out. Then I remember the downstairs bathroom hasn't been cleaned, eek! Get on hands and knees. Scrub. DH plays with AJ and I keep going in there to remind myself, It's just 4 people, no biggie. None of my food takes a long time to prepare. Then I remember I should peel potatoes and get them going so AJ can have some for his dinner, too. It's so funny -- I can tell myself not to worry about hosting a party, but it's in my GENES to get a little wigged out. I only snapped at DH once, I think, the whole evening, but my mood was definitely FOCUSED, no-time-to-have-fun, don't-bother-me-I'm-PLANNING. I did go outside and pick the last gardenia blossom and put it in water. So pretty! I didn't even know I had gardenias 'til this year! (Yay for DH cutting down the tree that was blocking them from the sun!)

7:00 pm
Everything's set out and it's time for the guests to arrive. AJ's been fed (not "AJ's eaten," but "been fed," much to my frustration as usual). Grill is turned on. Wine is open. Apps are out. Table's set. I'm ready.

7:30 pm - 10:30 om
Girl-time! We chatter while I let DH do the work of grilling, then bathing/reading to AJ. Ha! Everyone is impressed by this! The steak was a PERFECT medium, we had a great discussion -- even managed to talk about the book this time -- wine poured, dessert shared, and we wrap up about 10:15. Then I start cleaning up and am left with my thoughts, which is no good because the old self-esteem monster comes in my head to tell me no one really liked the meal, that cake was too dry, they probably didn't have as much fun as we do at Stacy's house, I'm not that great of a hostess... Stupid. Why do I let myself think that way? Everyone was perfectly nice and there was laughter, it was enjoyable, people licked their plates clean! Whatever. I close up the kitchen by setting the dishwasher to start in 1 hour. Then I reconsider, and set it to start right away, so I get to hear that satisfying "swoosh" of water, telling me I accomplished a dinner party, and the day is now officially over. That's a nice feeling.

The Poisonwood Bible

by Barbara Kingsolver

I must write about this book, but I don't quite know what to write. I know that no review of mine will ever do it justice. I couldn't even completely wrestle out my thoughts for note-taking, which I tried desperately to do in the back, blank extra pages of my mass-market copy, so I'd remember some of its nuances and complexities. As if I'll ever forget.

It's the story, in case you don't know, of a Baptist missionary family - a preacher and his wife and 4 daughters - who travel to the Congo in the 1960s. Not my usual fare right there for starters, despite its being an Oprah Book, but WOW. My eyes are opened. More than the story of the family, it is the story of our WORLD -- our relationships with Africa and her countries, for good and for very bad, and the balance between all of the opposing forces. Nature vs. technology, have vs. have-not, black vs. white, our "God" vs. their mamba snake, husband vs. wife, democracy vs. other systems, "African-American" and what a contradiction the term sorta is... Communism as a possible good in the case of those starving native families.... it's a confusing, startling, wonderful book. It brought me to tears, and that is the best recommendation I can give to any story. Only a few novels bring me to tears (which is surprising, as much as I'm prone to crying!), so only they get put on my List of Favorites. This one belongs there, without a doubt.

I've wanted to read this book for years -- have seen it on bookstore tables, promising a literary lesson, but keeping many of its best secrets hidden. Finally, last month it was my turn to choose for Book Club, and I couldn't resist it any longer. I learned so much. I hesitantly want to ask my Mom to read it, because I want to know her views as someone who was around in the '60s. What did she know about Africa, at that time? And I want to hear her reactions to the book. (I say 'hesitant' because I'm not sure she'll love as much as I did. But then, that is the point of discussion great literature, yes?) I'm fairly certain my sister would like it, and eager to share it with her, too, as it is a story about sisters. I'm excited to host our meeting tonight, and see what my girlfriends have to say about it. I'm serving a marinated London Broil and Ranch Mashed Potaotes, as well as the requisite girly salad with feta and dried cranberries, and red wine. :)

Bday weekend 2006

What is the deal with blogger? I am typing this in Word and am going to have to copy/paste it later. Because the thoughts are in my head NOW, and they will soon be gone. My mind is like that.

I had a very nice Birthday Weekend, despite the fact that I was sick all of Saturday and most of Sunday. Urgh, the tummy bug got me. Including bedtime chills, achy shoulders, Charmin, and quite possibly a low-grade fever. Amazing how crappy just a teensy bit of fever can make you feel. Thank goodness for Advil. Am feeling much better today and food is appealing again. We had a fun time at the pizza place, and not just because we were watching our friends chase their little girl. AJ sat in his high chair while she ran wild around the restaurant "making friends" with the other patrons. And sitting on the wet floor (gross)! And getting in the way of the servers. AJ did his share of squirming, to be sure. But he was told to Sit Down in his High Chair, and he did. Grinned at me every time he tried to stand back up, the little weasel. But then sat back down again like the good little boy we are raising him to be. Smug smug smug. Toward the end of the evening he began saying "Weddy duh DOH, Mama. (Ready to GO!)"

So, to sum up: We purchased my china cabinet in what must have been the Easiest Rooms-To-Go shopping experience ever. I took a nap with AJ in the dark cool of my room. I read my book for more than an hour. We played outside. We ate dinner with good friends. I got calls from my loved ones. I watched Bridget Jones' The Edge of Reason, and ate cake, after my non-singing husband soloed Happy Birthday to me in his (actually lovely) baritone. Truly, it couldn't have been a nicer day. Except for the Charmin, of course.

P.S. larry! Thanks for your message! Would have called you back but it seemed awfully tacky to call back to "receive" my birthday greetings. :)

Just some stuff

So, Grandad met with a surgeon yesterday and following another consult with a pulmonary doc, they will try to schedule a surgery for him. When we saw him last weekend, he seemed in fairly good spirits for a guy who's been through what he's been through the past year, and I was glad of that. He'll need all the strength he can muster for the next phase.

We're hoping for some rain. Not for our plants and flowers, since AJ and I broke out the garden hose yesterday and doused them nicely. (AJ also enjoyed watering the rocks.) But for the cleaning of my driveway, which is covered in drawings of apples, rainbows, cats, sailboats, additional apples - the kid is obsessed - hearts, flowers and fish (I draw "girly" what can I say??)... due to the recent purchase of THIS monstrosity:

Please, Mr. Weatherman! Let it rain! We're running out of canvas!

Even though it was a three-day week, I'm anxious for the weekend break. Here's our plan:
Saturday
9:00am: I have "good choir" practice 'til 1:00pm. Last practice of the year.

3:00pm: I would like to visit the furniture store and purchase my anniversary/birthday gift with DH -- a china cabinet woo hoo! This is something I've l-o-n-g-e-d-f-o-r, since the dawn of time and my china collection. Since we got married, we've used that china and its corresponding silver exactly twice, because it is such a royal pain to drag it all out of the back of the closet where it's hidden (from potential robbers, you understand) in acid-free, bump-preventing cushioned bags. I would love to see my china on a daily basis. I would walk by it lovingly and say, "Good day, my preciouses." I might even Windex that cabinet regularly so its sparkle would be apparent. DH has been saying "Just PICK a cabinet, already!" for a couple of years now. So it is time. :)

6:00pm: My friend Mags is coming over to babysit so that DH and I can attend a party. I'm hoping there will be drinks involved, although it's a h.s. graduation shindig, so I doubt it. (I'm starting to sound like quite the lush with all my talk lately. I don't know why -- we totally don't even drink and therefore one glass is about all we can handle. I just like the taste of cocktails, more than anything. Aaaaand... the giggling.)

Sunday
10:00am Unfortunately Pentencost falls late this year, so Parish Choir stretches all the way into June. But that's it -- after this Sunday, sayonara Parish Choir. Really, I'm quitting it. No REALLY. I CAN TO tell someone No. Shut up.

5:00pm Plans are in place to visit the being-revitalized Downtown Square and let AJ run around in their park, as well as meeting my best pal from college. We'll walk to the pizza place after that and have a nice birthday dinner. I'm pretty psyched about that because I'm all about pizza. Beach Week, pfft. I think I have shed all my delusions about being skinny for the beach. I just don't care all that much if I look roly or poly. Wait, yes I do. How many abdominal crunches can I work in today? How many tomorrow? ...Nah, shrug, I don't. Sue me.

26 sounds like a good number

From papernapkin, the A to Z meme:


accent: Southern-fried.

booze: Margaritas. On the rocks, with salt.

chore I hate: unloading dishes.

dogs/cats: allergic to both, but we have a dog. I can't decide if I'm more a dog person or a cat person.

essential electronics: iBook G4. Although I'd love a newer one. It's sad, the speed at which something electronic becomes 'old.' I also have an iPod nano and rely pretty heavily on my cell phone. Oh, and Tivo/DVR! Essential!

favorite perfume/cologne: I'm wearing Warm Vanilla Sugar by Bath & Body Works these days. Cheap Cheap! I really loved wearing Tommy Girl for a long while. On a man, I love Cool Water.

gold/silver: silver

hometown: currently, Marietta, GA. But my heart calls Pensacola home since my family lives there.

Insomnia: never! I bet I can sleep standing up.

job title: web producer

kids: 1 precious boy

living arrangements: This question always cracks me up, I don’t know why, it just seems a dumb thing to ask. 2-story house (3 if you count the unfinished basement), in the 'burbs.

most admired trait: Calm, collected.

number of sexual partners: Well, hello! ….One. (at a time)… hahahahaha, I will never tell. My husband and I have never even discussed this about each other. The past is the past.

overnight hospital stays: just the one, when AJ was born

phobia: don't really have a true phobia, but little innocuous fears about bad things happening

quote: "Thank you, God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough." - Garrison Keillor

religion: Cradle, mostly practicing Catholic, infinitely grateful for my tradition and all the depth of knowledge it's given me, but not as devout as some; love to learn about other traditions and gather useful things from them, too

siblings: 1 wonderful sister

time I usually wake up: 5:38…snooze…5:47… snooze…6:00 am

unusual talent: I can fold fitted sheets like a pro.

vegetable I refuse to eat: Tsk, tsk. Shouldn't refuse any veggie, they're good for you. But I refuse to even TRY Vege-Mite.

worst habit: spending time online when I should be working?

x-rays: Teeth, once a year. I think that's it!

yummy foods I make: Crepes, banana bread, jerk chicken, Shrimp Durango

zodiac sign: Gemini.

June is busting out all over.

We're back, after a nice long holiday weekend plus one extra day for us. Yesterday I actually had time to go get my hair done. First time since December, people. What a luxury. I savored every moment of those toxic bleach-y fumes, every word of Allure magazine, and the salon-gossip my stylist was catty (awesome) enough to share with me.

I'm torn today because June holds much promise -- the month of our family vacation hooray!, the first month that school's out so traffic is thinner, the month of my 32nd birthday -- but as I make my to-do list at the office this morning, I'm seeing a month FULL-UP with WORK. Why is it that EVERY YEAR, I think work's going to slack up a bit, and send me on vacation to refresh and renew... but instead I end up SLAMMED right up until we close the trunk of the car on our way out? Every. Year. All of a suddent things are piling up: client visits, websites to write, blah ba dee blah, blah, blah. This year, add an extra choir concert on the 17th and a whole lot of unexpected social committments like this random h.s. graduation party we have to attend this Saturday, and I'm fully burned out before the month even starts. Plllllbbbbbbttt.

I will handle it (and not whine... every day). At least my gray hairs -- which will undoubtedly BUST OUT with this upcoming stress (and being SO OLD!) -- are now properly disguised as summer highlights. :)

Message for larry:

I am bored and can't stay focused!! Blahghhghghaaaaa. Friday afternoons suck. Methinks Friday night is going to be LIQUOR NIGHT at my house.

We're going to visit Shawn's grandparents so you guys have a burger-grillin', lawn-sprinkler-playin,' baseball-watchin' lemonade-sippin' Memorial Day without me.

MWAH!

P.S. Turns out the Old Navy MADRAS shorts -- which I LOVELOVELOVE in the commercials -- drool over, really, I had some yummy madras clothes in the '80s -- are Short-shorts. Rrrrrrgh. I do not think it would be good if I put Short-shorts on these thighs. Damn.

Can do it myself

I got screamed at by my 22-month-old last night because I DARED to put away his DVD case, which he told me it was time to put "wa-way," instead of lifting him high above my head so he could reach the shelf and do it HIMSELF. So we're at that stage.

Personally, I am right at the opposite end of that stick. I was thinking yesterday, while doing a work assignment, "I really don't LIKE doing this. But the fact is, I CAN do it, I have the SKILLS necessary to do it." Kind-of a bummer that I have those skills, because it means I Have To do the assignment.

Guess I'll be a great coach when AJ gets to the "I DON'T WANNA" stage. :)

Tummy bugs

AJ has another tummy problem, so I'm home today feeding him attempting to feed him yogurt and plain crackers and clear liquids. He's not really into yogurt these days. Even though I tried to fool him by announcing his "cherry pudding" was for lunch. Hmph. Too smart for me, I guess. We only managed to get a few bites of the good bacteria in him. He gets the occassional stomach cramp when he comes to me and wants to be held for a minute. "Does your tummy hurt, buddy?" He answers, "Ah do." :( Poor little man.

My husband's grandfather's been diagnosed with a malignant tumor in his lower intestine. This is a big bummer. The man's fairly weakened already so they aren't sure he's up to dealing with a surgery. So that's really really sad. Not sure what happens from here; it feels rather like no one's got much hope about an old man surviving it. I know that's reality but it seems wrong not to even WANT to fight it. Sigh. I know it's going to hit my husband hard because Grandad was really a father for him. He used to go stay with them in the summers and I know he cherishes those times and Grandad's gentle wisdom. And his indulgence of DH's childhood whims. Grandad took him to see movies, and if there was ever a toy that DH couldn't get in Georgia, Grandad would beat a hot path looking for it in every store in Tennessee. :)

We're anticipating DH's colonoscopy in a few weeks, as well. That will be fun. It's his 4th or 5th one and he's not forty yet! They're preventive of course, and necessary to keep watch on Captain Crohn. I'm sure that Grandad's news will weigh heavy on him this time. Sigh. I'm naturally a tad worried that all these gastroentologic legacies will someday reveal themselves in AJ's little body. Guess I'd better start a serious devotion to St. Timothy.

There'll be joy

I knew I wouldn't be able to stand "taking a break" from blogging. :) So I'm here, even though I still don't feel I have anything much to share. Except, well, writing things down that *I* want to remember, like last weekend I participated in possibly the best choral experience I've ever had. Now for me that's saying a LOT, because I have had the honor of singing in LOTS of choral concerts. Some in Europe, which you'd think would make them top on the list just by geographical and architectural default. I've been inspired many many times by particular MOMENTS during a choral performance. Like when I sang Handel's Messiah, when all the A-mens begin, I really FELT the "end" of that piece -- the culmination, because it paralelled my own life at that moment. It was the end of my college career -- my senior year Spring concert -- my last event with my first concert chorus. The end of my first love affair with choral music. (Oops, watch out for my dripping Sap!) I had a brief moment singing those Amens where every instance of music in my life was brought to mind: Granny, "the" singer in our family who taught me by example; my childhood stint in the First United Methodist and First Presbyterian choirs in my hometown (I was very young - maybe only 3 or 4 - for one of those choirs); all the piano and violin lessons; "songleading" in elementary school Masses... it was a tearful but happy moment that I'll never forget. And the times in Europe WERE great, too. Sometimes I'd just marvel at where we were -- Poland, Prague -- those were amazing moments.

That said, this past weekend was, yes, I think a teeny bit BETTER. The music we sang included a lot of songs I'd done before, and some, like Schubert's Mass in G, that I didn't think I even liked in rehearsals. But I learned very definitively that *the orchestration* is what makes Schubert and Mozart. The choral components? Meh. But put 'em together -- stand right in the middle of it, feel it happen around you with the 2nd violas sitting right there and a great conductor, an organist, and focus on your every note so that you execute each one perfectly as it was meant to be sung? and it's heaven. It's mathmatical and perfect and a full unique language. That is why those guys are called "genius."

Choral performance is most assuredly my favorite thing to do. I would rather have been in that church, on those risers Saturday night, than just about anywhere else. [And now for some stream of consciousness that I typed out shortly after the concert...] Durufle motets -- Tota Pulchra Es won't get out of my head now, I love it. Totus Tuus -- hardest choral piece I've ever sung -- and I've done it twice in performance now -- Such a prayer. "Totus Tuus sum Maria" -- I am completely yours, Mary -- Our Mother -- was a good chance for me to ask for strength and guidance in motherhood. The whole experience was spiritual for me. The actual "spirituals" made me grin wide. Gilead, Ride On King Jesus, Little Lamb, and Ain'a That Good News! Man! The acoustic was amazing, the music well chosen, the artists real, the sound glorious. The last note of Little Lamb = "Joooooy!" reverberated at least 6 seconds. I am PRIVILEGED to have been part of all of it. I heard my own voice, singing its best and loudest! at times. And yet it was just a tiny part of this grand whole GROUP -- a real communion with others, musical ensembles. I know that music is, aside from my family, my husband, and my son, Absolutely the greatest gift God gave to me. -- to the world! It's larger than me, larger than the world. It's a Privilege. And it's very humbling.

Thanks. Had to get that out. :)

Twitchy

I think I need a break from blogging. When I insistently click "Bookmarks" in my toolbar, but feel hopeless even as I scroll down to the "Blogs" folder that nothing in there is going to interest me, I think that's a sign. When I get a blank page in front of me and drum my fingers on the keys, unable to think of ANYTHING meaningful to type, that's another sign. Also when my eyes burn.

[Aside:] Anybody else just plain jealous that other people are being PAID, real-time full-time jobs, to mom-blog? I mean, yeah, happy for them and all that, but man, I could SO deal with some a'that action. We can't all be superstars, though, and I'm nowhere near the caliber. It's like church: some of God's angels sing from the pews and not from the choir loft. We need them there, too.

Anyways I think I'm backing off for a bit. I just might not hit "publish" in the next week or so. (Watch me get bored today at come over here to talk about Tom Hanks' hair, which, by the way, I think is appropriate to his daVinci Code CHARACTER. It's called acting, people. Plus he had to do something different so people wouldn't think "hey, it's Forest Gump. It's Jim Lovell. It's Tom Hanks!" Duh.)

I might not even read my favorites for a week or so. Gasp. What'll I read?? Well, I just bought 2 books the other day -- fiction, fun books simply because I WANTED them, quelle treat! -- maybe those. (Poisonwood Bible by B. Kingsolver and Plain Truth by J. Piccoult, in case you're wondering.)

Later, gators. :)

Mother's Day gift

AJ is starting to abosrb the world with all 5 of his senses. A few weeks ago when DH bought me some flowers on his way home from work (! writing that here because I want to remember it!), AJ was very keen to "mell" them. He got his little nose close and then giggled with the delight that is a rose's fragrance.

He's also hearing things. Last Thursday we were in the front yard doing our daily ball-playing with Napoleon, and a siren of some sort began its moaning on the way to rescue. "Heah dat?" AJ said. "Heah dat?" Yes, I grinned, "That might be a fire truck!" And AJ said, "Ray tut!" (Red truck!) Genius child! I loved that he heard it from so far away and mimicked what I've evidently been saying to him every time I hear something interesting.

So last night, we went out for Mother's Day dinner at, where else? My favorite Mexican place. It sits really close to a working railroad track, and while we were in line at the hostess stand, a train moved through. Husband walked over to the side of the building so that AJ could see the choo-choo, and reported back to me that AJ clamped onto him pretty tightly as it whistled by. No more than 100 yards away, a train is rather LOUD, you see. Later during our meal, which we ate in the back of the restaurant, another train came through. AJ heard it, looked up at me with eyes wide and a tiny whimper, and then

reached out and held my hand (my finger, actually) the rest of the meal.

The gift of Touch. :)

Week in Review!

Hey, check me out, I'm openly stealing! It has come to this. :)

Reading:
Wish I could name a book o' the Bible a la Melessa's WIR, but alas, I am not as good a person as she. Maybe I should start with JAMES, though. It's in my head, for some reason. I think the JAMESes are good, uplifting books. To wit:

But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. (James 1:5)

We'll put that on the to-do list.

Happily, I'm finally reading Harry Potter 6: the Half-Blood Prince. It's good that I've put a great deal of time between this and the last HP book. Although I've really loved all of them, they can be a bit tiresome (Harry begins schoolyear. Harry dislikes the Dark Arts prof. Hermione is very smart. Ron is not so much. The three of them ward off V-mort again. Hagrid bumbles around with an animal. Dumbledore dispenses sage advice. Harry returns to Privet Drive. The end). Of course, Rowling helps my procrastinating by how long it takes her to write each one! BUT, within her formula plot, she keeps churning out incredibly detailed characters and conflicts, so I forgive her. It'll probably take me a year to read this one; I get through a chapter page or two and drift immediately off to sleep. This is the state of my reading life avec child.

Watching:
So much watching. Our best friend Tivo works hard for us. Let's see, LOST this week was not as much of a mind-blower as the week before; it was more about trying to figure out whatthehelljusthappened. That show consistently impresses me, though. Again, detailed conflicts and several-thousand-layered characters. I LOVE IT. Poor Hurley. He was so sad. (Surprisingly, I did not cry.)

I also have FOUR, count'em, FOUR episodes of Scrubs recorded. Not sure when we'll ever watch those but JD and the gang totally crack me up. Not to mention this week's Amazing Race, a documentary about 9/11 that hubby recorded, and infinite Battlestar Galactica episodes that are so old now (from LAST summer?) I'm not even interested. Gah!

Mostly I'm watching Lady and the Tramp and lately, the Teletubbies. If you can believe this, my son's daycare introduced them to him. Daycare shows them one video per week. When it was Barney it was bad enough (although I had let Barney slide into our lives long before AJ started videos at daycare). But Britain's Weirdest? I did NOT need that. Thanks KidsRKids. "Aly wally Tubby? Aly wally Tubbie?" SIGH.

In My Netflix queue:
Hahahahahaha. We gave up Netflix 2 weeks after AJ arrived. We knew it was a doomed relationship. Hwever, I had recorded TAPS on the Tivo a few weeks ago, and watched it this week. Very good movie; such young versions of Sean Penn, Timothy Hutton and Wacko Cruise. It's one of Hubby's favorites from childhood and I enjoyed it. Pretty shocking, for its time.

What're you reading/writing/watching?

Magic eraser takes out any stain

One of the bad things about blogging when you're down is that it looks like the whole entirety of Thursday, May 11 was spent in the "dark place," unless I post something else. In truth, however, after I worked out (ROAR! Abs and arms today!) I felt much better. Checked off my to-do-list items. Did a little work, in fact. Drank some juice.

What-ever, depressive feelings. Pfft, I say.

Perennial ingrate

Imagine me sitting at the table in my kitchen, AJ safely in place at the daycare, hubby at work, no one to deal with but my sweet iBook and fuzzy, snoring dog; braless, makeupless, shoeless, checking email to discover I had no client bothering me, nothing really on my project radar, drinking coffee with Cool Whip Lite in it. Surfing my blogs. Imagine me, COMPLAINING about that. Good Lord in Heaven, somebody smack me! But there it is, I was ignoring all those good things and feeling sad, instead, when I ran out to Walgreen's to pick up some "Con-grad-ulations" (and, shhhh, Mother's Day) cards that MUST get in the mail today, because I drove RIGHT BY the daycare. And AJ was in there, and not with me. And I couldn't stay out too long becuase I am chained to my computer. Waaaaaa, I Have To Work.

What a righteous B R A T in big bold letters across my rear end. Because I can wallow in that one sad thought for, like, a couple of days if I try really hard. I can let it fester and in a matter of minutes produce real, hot stupid tears about it. I've gotten quite good since I've now been doing this for 22 months. (Like you don't know! I've only spent 42% of this blog going on and on and on about it. Okay, 52%.) It pisses me off. I have all of the best blessings in this LIFE. And I get to talk to grown, interesting adults every day! I am somewhat important to the workings of a business -- validated, in a word! (I am certain the moms that I envy do not get enough Validation for their Work.) And yet, somehow it isn't enough for me. I don't accept it as my final destination. I am not yet Satisfied.

I don't even quite know what it is I want. Mostly, it has to do with the future, because right now, really, it's working. WFM 2 days a week, Good. Daycare, Good. Money! Quite Good. But someday, I will need, and therefore I need to start preparing for:
--Easier logistics. How will I pick up AJ at 2:30 after school if I'm working full time and AN HOUR'S DRIVE AWAY?
--More Time for Him. As AJ gets older, he'll need someone to drive him to things. Like Comic Book Club and Video Game Practice. In fact, my SAHM best friend says she's more glad NOW to have the time for her 9 and 7 10 and 8 (ack! so big!) year olds than when they were toddlers. They need her to be a SAHM more now, for homework and activities and such.
--Summers off. How else am I going to get a freaking tan? But no, in all seriousness, who's going to take AJ to the pool? And enjoy long days with him? And get him interested in the library's summer reading program? I don't want him to have to attend day-camps one after another from June 'til September. The thought of that makes me more sad. I know that kids DO it, and survive, but I didn't have to. And I can't make myself stop attaching what was MY reality to what I think AJ's should be.

So the only thing to do in this situation is to quit sitting here being a sad brat, wishing, and Get Up and Do Something. Make a List. Because if I'm doing the little things on the list, at least then I can restart the Grateful, for this present moment, and stop gnawing at my own arm for the big, bad future.

1. Put roast in crock pot.
2. Workout.
3. Get cards in the mail.
4. Put Shit Away (laundry, mail, random toys, dishes).
5. Email Certain Friend(s) I've been neglecting to reply to.

There now. Moving on. Maybe one of these days I should make a life goals list, too, and work on that.

P.S. Sorry, readers. This is really the worst kind of navel-gazing and my darkest place.

Feeling share-y?

Hey, if you need a reason to give money for cancer research, Speckblog's got one: You enter her raffle, your dollars will help people who need it, and you might get a shiny prize!

Shiny prize! Shiny prize! Ahem. I mean, money for a good cause! good cause!

Sticks and snails

Today, as always, Kira posts a beautful, funny note about the mysterious world of little boys. She being an expert, with three of them. I love love love to read her, because I get a glimpse of -- an education about -- this world OF WHICH I KNOW NOTHING! :) I have a sister, no brothers. "I don't know no" trucks or action heroes or Bionicles. Yesterday I got a small inkling of what my son's world -- and my living room floor -- will become in the next few years ...we had to get a birthday present for AJ's friend Matthew, who turns 2 next week. His mom said, "Anything related to cars or trains." So, I turned our Target cart down the darkly-colored aisle (as opposed to the glittering, pinkly-colored aisle -- are girls' things getting MORE glittery, btw?), and slo-o-o-o-wly perused all the staggering, mysterious boy merchandise. Hot Wheels. Xmen. "Web Copters" and "Ultimate Warriors." And things with names like "Bardock" and "Slimer." I was starting to get short of breath. A little overewhelmed and I have to PICK something out of this mess of parts and plastic?? But AJ, sitting quietly in the cart, knew right away where we were when we reached the transportation area.

"TUTS!" he exclaimed. "Mama, wodududo aww da TUTS!" (He's adding extra syllables into his sentences these days. I love it.) "Yes, honey," I replied.

Look At All The Trucks.

Trucks.

:)

Guess I'm missing out

I really wish I could get inspired by the theme of "cheating," so I could enter this month's B4B. But I can't. I've racked my brain but my sister and I were just too sweet to each other when we played Sorry! and Clue. Oh well. :) Maybe I'll be inspired next month. If you have a novel in the wings about cheating, though, why not go post a chapter? Take a chance! I think you have 'til the end of today.Scratch that, time's up!

I also missed "This Day in the Life". I suppose I could do it retroactively, but I'm not feeling that much energy. The 6th, Saturday, can be summed up thus: Woke up, had breakfast, watched "Lady and the Tramp" twice, observed AJ being adorable, lather-rinse-repeat. Oh, also worked out, yay! And ate dinner on the back porch. Drank a bottle of our Biltmore wine. Got headaches. It was a great day but I'm not able to type out the details this time.

Blogging on the weekend is hard for me. When I'm at work, sitting in front of a computer screen anyway, sure. But when I have a free day? Gettin' out the ol' laptop doesn't really call to me like baking or playing outside or reading a book or...uh... lazing on my sofa do. :)

Dream Friday

Oh, this was a funny one: It was the week of my family's annual beach vacation. It was also the week before a St. Joseph's choir concert of some sort. (In real life we don't do concerts.) So the whole choir went with me to the beach. And the director, who in the dream was one of the sweetest altos in the group, made us rehearse all day every day of MY VACATION! It was crazy. On Thursday, I was hoppin' mad and I told everyone, "We've been here 4 days and I haven't even been to the pool yet! Grumble harumph, mrph mrph!"

So that one's pretty easy to interpret, yes? Methinks I carry the choir "burden" a little closer to my heart than necessary. !

I put all the week's dreams down on paper and thought about them, and it's pretty clear that somehow, I'm not quite satisfied. I'm feeling "in transition," and not sure where the journey is going to lead me next. Things are gray. Murky. Frustrating. I could admit it's relative to my job -- that I don't feel like I want to "settle" HERE in this situation forever -- or, that it's about wanting to move to a small town - specifically, my parents' small town -- or, amazingly, that church choir means enough to me that this decision about whether to quit or not is causing my subconscious much angst... but I think it's just about life in general. According to the email that gets forwarded around, you're supposed to

"Trust your Higher Power that you are exactly where you're meant to be. Let this presence settle into your bones..."

...guess I'm not quite doing that. I'd like to, though. I really would. I think that's what I should take from this little exercise.

Thursday dream

I only remember one scene, of being in a museum/aquarium of some sort, but it was set up in someone's creaky old house. Not an old house renovated to be a museum, but someone's actual home. Some of the rooms were bedrooms. Everything was gray or gray-green. It seems like some of the fish or lizard tanks were dirty, but I can't be sure. It was crowded and people were filing through. I think I was visiting alone, though.

I've read that Gray is "related with a transition period. If it's clear, it signifies peace, but if dull signifies fear." Hm. Not sure which category mine fits into. I guess "transition" might correllate with yesterday's entry, where I was "finding direction." An aquarium can mean that you feel your life is going in circles, going nowhere. A house is supposed to represent your soul and self; each room is a different "aspect of your psyche." There are a ton of other possible meanings for a house; I won't get into everything here. Also, standing in a line means you need patience; you're waiting for something.

This is getting deep! Which is, I guess, exactly what I wanted to do. One more day, and then maybe I'll attempt to share any conclusions. Or, if you have any ideas, feel free to play therapist.

* * * * * * * * *

Yesterday I worked out for an hour with Denise. AND I ate a mini whole wheat pita sammie for lunch (rather than a Hot Pocket), and drank 8 glasses of water/skim milk/juice. Later, I discovered the best workout ever -- I said, "Come on, AJ, let's run!" and then he said the same to the dog, and he laughed and laughed while we raced up and down on the "Back 40," this long stretch of grass in the way-back of our yard. It was great because he kept me going. "MO RUN, Mama? Mo run?" So we did that for about ten or fifteen minutes with small breaks in between. It was light jogging, in poor form and on bumpy grass. But it was fun -- he can be my permanent exercise buddy. Every little bit counts! Happy Friday!

Wednesday dreams

Plus! Bullet points!

-- First off, my dreams last night were choppy and annoying because I KEPT waking up uncomfortably, tossing and turning. No idea why, but I had a song in my head from last night's choir practice that WOULD NOT LEAVE ME ALONE. I don't even LIKE this song. But WOW, does it like my head. Every time I woke up it was repeating. Anyway, I dreamed that each line in the song was a rock or landmark on this giant 3D map I was looking at. I kept walking around the map -- IN the map, really -- but all there were, were rocks. And lines from the song. Argh. It had me so irritated! Right before I woke up, that nonsense drifted away, thank god, and I was dreaming that I went to the TMBG concert with my friend Cantus, but it was actually U2 performing TMBG. We were in a lobby, sitting around a table waiting for the show to begin, when in walked (the 1979 skinny, short-haired) Bono and started telling us how he first met John and John. I remember I also had a little blue camera and was very intent on not losing it. (But not so much on TAKING A PICTURE WITH BONO, Duh!!) Possible meanings? Well, my book says a map is about finding direction in your life, and that rocks/boulders are about things that are in your way. "Striving for something higher, but it is not going to be easy." And a camera means I need to look at something objectively, through the lens, so to speak. And Freud says it's a phallic symbol. (Welcome, pervy Googlers!)

Also, the non-sleeping was partly due to the fact that I'm STILL not getting my exercise and was likely a direct message from GOD saying, "GIRL! Heart disease and high cholesterol are a lot worse than tossing and turning, so GET ON IT, and now. You will sleep better."

-- Let's talk about sororities. Now, if you grew up in roughly the same time frame I did, I know you're saying to yourself, "Deltadeltadelta can I helpyahelpyahelpya?" from the SNL skit which gave us sorority girls quite the ditzy reputation. Not to mention Animal House. Even without the bad press from TV and movies, many people see the sorority is a very non-inclusive, non-PC, cliquey sort of an organization. And yeah, there are some ugly parts about it, when illegal hazing happens or unnecessary unkindness. HOWEVER, I pledged a sorority when I was a college freshman, and have never been sorry I did. When you get inside them, they're really about Including new people. And welcoming. I made friends then, I've made even better friends SINCE as an alumna, and then just yesterday I found out that one of my very favorite bloggy buddies is also a "sisterinthebonds." I've always wanted this to happen in real life -- I meet a girl I like and find out (by testing her with the secret handshake, of course) that she's a Delta Gamma. But it hasn't ever, IRL. Except that blogging is real. And friendships are real, no matter how you come by them. :) So I am quite excited. Don't get me wrong, I know sororities aren't all iced tea and ponytails. (Or maybe they are, and that's the problem!) I'm even willing to laugh about the stereotype "sorority girl" with whoever wants to. But know this: after we laugh, I'll tell you what I LIKE about being in a sorority (fraternity, if we're getting official), and this is a prime example. :)

-- Last night, I was going to quit the church choir. I WAS. But seeing as how we only have 3 weeks until we break for summer, and seeing as how I'm only scheduled to cantor TWICE the entire summer, I think I can stick it out 'til August, and then quietly, simply not return. Instead of having to break it off unexpectedly here, before it's finished. Rehearsal was even kinda fun. (Dammit.)

-- Someone please tell me again that AJ and his Daddy are going to grow to be friends. Last night's report was that AJ screamed after dinner, through his whole bath, after his bath, and every moment I was at choir. Evidently he didn't specify "No DA-DA," like he sometimes does when I say, "Want to go sit with Daddy?" -- but I still worry. He's very much Mama's boy, and has been since the beginning. Infanthood was hard on DH. It surprised him, that it was as hard as it was. (Colicky baby.) I worry that eventually he'll lose his desire to keep trying with AJ, that he'll just resign himself to the (incorrect) idea that AJ doesn't like him.... and that they'll have a relationship like DH does with his own father. :( It's not a terrible one, they're just not at all close. I'm afraid that someday I'll have to say, "AJ and his dad have had a rocky relationship since the day he was born." What can I do to help them?

Or maybe it's just teething?

Dreaming: Tuesday

Unfortunately I did not recall much of the night's dreaming this morning. I woke with the last image stuck in my head: the computer screen showing our newest web product at work. So that's lovely. I tried to dissolve said image with a hotter-than-usual shower. :)

2nd dream in a row of a COMPUTER SCREEN! Aye-yi-yi. Perhaps I should look out a window once in a while. Work has been quite busy for me lately -- highly unusual -- with more ahead. I don't really know when it will slow down again. It's fine, I'm somewhat glad of it, but I had gotten really used to having a slow workload. I rather liked it. But that life is no longer! I now breathe and apparently sleep, my job!