Gratitude journal

No preaching today, I promise. Don't go thinking I'm all good and holy. I'm truly, embarrassingly not. Just sometimes I get a chance to be silent for a while, and it is good for my soul. I like remembering it, so I write it down.

Here's the AJ report: MAN, did he wake up grumpy today! And he was last night, too! No Brush Teef! No Eat! (not even ABCs and 123s from a can. I do not understand him, those are the BEST and a critical kid food-group.) No Tooo (school)! No Mama Room! RRRAWR, it was annoying. Kid needs a damn vacation.

Here's the vaca report: We leave tomorrow! We were going to leave tonight, but I think we need one night to chill on our couch (after we pack), instead of scurrying around like little squirrels in November, like we have done all week -- not to mention giving AJ one more good night's rest to try and kick this cold. So here's to 6:00 am tomorrow!

Here's the gratitude report: 1. For my husband, who takes a figurative punch to the gut every day and continues to push through. I am so grateful for his constancy. 2. For my parents, who are planning (and paying for) another wonderful, relaxing weekend (full week!!) that is so needed I can't even tell you!! 3. For coffee. 4. For Zinc and Echinacea. (yep, my glands are swollen and throat hurts) 5. For the gift of an idea, finally -- an easy Ice Cream Sundaes birthday party at our house -- and a Party City right across the street!

God uses Clorox

I read this post at one of my new favorite-est sites yesterday, about cleaning products. I'm not a huge fan of cleaning, but I do like to live in a clean home, so recently I embarked on the Great Bleaching of the Tile project here at my casa. It went well. I sat on the floor and scrubbed all the grout in our master bath, and BOY, does it look good. It took a minute to get used to, since the outline of every tile appeared to have been erased. It looked like a "blank" floor there, for a while. But it thrilled me to have removed years (yes! years!) of nasty foot residue. (I'll wait while we all *shudder*.... twitch, twitch, *shudder again*... okay. Sorry. Shake it off.)

Last night, inspired by all the Clorox-talk over at Mir's, and needing to disinfect our place from AJ's recent hoarde of germs, I donned the blue gloves and got busy again. This time, the downstairs half-bath. It, too, was in grand need of a washing, and this time I wore gloves because last time, my knuckles actually started to bleed from scraping the floor with bleach as I worked my sanitizing toothbrush! (Don't you feel sorry for me?!) Anyway, last night was a good time to do it. I was tired, and DH was working very late, and AJ had gone to bed, so it was just me and my thoughts and the *bleach fumes. (Note! fumes!)

For some reason, a church song got stuck in my head; I think because of the rhythm of the scrubbing, which was very even, just like the straight rhythm of the eighth notes in these verses. The words go,

"If-an-y-one-lives-with-Me,
Then-they-must-die-with-me,
If-you-hold-firm-you-will-reign-with-me..."

And I wondered to myself, What does that really mean? To die with Jesus? It is, of course, to suffer with him. We always hear, "one must die to one's self." Accept God's will instead of our own. Surrender. The heart is willing but the flesh is weak -- it's not easy to do this. It's suffering... but that's the key! Jesus' death was full of pain, and suffering. And yet, He did it. He didn't want to go through what he went through. He Begged his Father to make it go away. Much like I beg! But if we are to live with Him in eternity, we must die -- suffer -- too. Pretty powerful stuff. I also started thinking, as I Cinderella'd my floors, about the Latin phrase I've learned from the very wise Selkie : Ancilla Domini. I love when she posts under that category -- it means, "handmaid of the Lord." Maid -- handmaid -- Cinderella -- cleaning lady. That's the connection. (Remember, I'm buzzing on fumes by this point!) You know who said ancilla domini, right? Mary! 2nd-best example of accepting God's will! Maybe she "DIN't WANNA" be a mom right away. Maybe she was planning on being an artist, and selling her pottery in the market! Or maybe she simply wanted to enjoy being a housewife for a while. (I know, I know, gender roles... she probably would have been pregnant within a week of her marriage anyway, but who knows what she was thinking. I can adapt the story a bit for the sake of my self-serving-sermon!) But she said, "I am the handmaid of the Lord. Let it be done to me according to thy will." A phrase I need to embrace and embrace again. Every. day.

The bath was half-done at this point, when another appropriate song drifted without warning into my consciousness:

"We shall draw water joyfully,
singing joyfully, singing joyfully,
We shall draw water joyfully
From the wellspring of salvation."

Quite funny, since I was, in fact, drawing (rinse) water from the pink bucket to my left. But again, there was a message: Do your work joyfully. Of course I was joyful to be doing this work (Feet! goo! *shudder*) -- but I asked myself... is there some work, perhaps, in my life, that I do not do joyfully? Hmmm??? Perhaps my clean bathroom floors are God's intention to help me, as I've asked Him to do, learn to accept things in my life with less resistance. Less muck, less whiny b.s. in my heart. More joy. (Not that you should accept the status quo or not try to change your situation, if it's bad; but you know what I mean, right?)

Of course these are all things I've known. But I was happy to have them revealed to me again, in a way I could understand, in the moment. SDW, it was one of those tiny whispers you talked about. :) I'm not done with this topic; I would like to absorb it all and really start living it, but we're all works in progress, all the time. I'll likely never be finished with the work of surrender, because it's hard. Harder than scrubbing floors with a toothbrush. But the reward is similar: Clean floors! Clean heart!

illustrative photo

Please see the antique laundry wringer and my current state of being, to your right. New feature! Instant Personality! Woo!

Zucchini Bread

I made some zucchini bread the other day in an attempt to sneak a vegetable into AJ's banana bread-loving mouth. It is dry. I am a whole wheat flour virgin -- at least I was, until Sunday night -- but how can a recipe with 1 cup canola oil, and a big wad of wet grated zucchini, come out dry? Anyone? Bueller? Is it the whole wheat or my poor cooking? (Don't answer that.) But, do. If you know.

Sucky things

Here are some things I've done in the last 2 days that haven't been all that much fun:

1. Made my first visit to the pediatric ER. Yah. It's located in the back of the hospital, among the dirt and unnerving chain-link construction fence where they are re-doing the parking lot. And it's about 34 degrees in the triage waiting area. My kid was probably grateful for the cool air on his 103 degree lethargic body, but I was not-so-much. ERs can be kind of yucky places, even when they're playing Shrek II on the DVD.

2. Held my child against his will on the X-ray table. He looked at me with little doe-eyes of horror when they put the lead skirt over his legs and tied it on him. He didn't know what the hell he was doing there and screamed to make sure everyone knew it. Of course I had to force his head to face forward, while they made a clean chest x-ray. His chest is fine.

3. Bathroom tile. Grout. Toothbrush. Clorox. (that was Sunday and I still smell the fumes in my nose.)

4. Rescheduled a conference call for work in a 12:30am pleading email to the client, only to have them NOT CHECK EMAIL before calling me 15 minutes after the event was supposed to start. I know they were thinking, "This slacker is 15 minutes late calling us." I had to gently ask "Did you get my email?" And wait while they checked it. And then listen to them feel bad for being mad at me before. That whole episode sucked of embarrassment and unprofessional-ness but whatcanyado?

That's it, I guess. Oh wait:
5. Left AJ with his Aunt Colleen and listened to him cry and scream because he's never been left with her before. He's met her, but he was understandably confused about why Mommy was leaving. OUCH. Hurts a little bit, every time.

Sigh.

Home again, home again

AJ is home with me again. I am convinced his molars are coming in and that is what's causing these weird fevers. We keep thinking, "He's all better!" and then at dinner, he goes all stare-into-space and then crawls into the crook of his Daddy's neck and goes to sleep. While the Mariachi band is playing! Kid is not well. He slept well last night, and even though I got on my knees and asked PLEEEEEEEZE, God, to make him feel better in the morning, he woke up with between 102 and 103. Which isn't cause for worry when all other features of a kid seem OK, but.

It's GOT to be teething.

The good news is, my creative juices are flowing and today we have built a FORT, and marched, 2, 3, 4 around the house, and emptied the dishwasher together. He's in a good mood and I'm having fun. :)

I'm hoping the Motrin will create for me a long nap in which I can work. Last week before vacation.

Please tip your waitresses, I'll be here all eternity

You remember that Depeche Mode song called "Blasphemous Rumors?" The refrain went,

I don't wanna start
any blasphemous rumors,
But I think that God
has a sick sense of humor
and when I die, I expect
to find Him laughing...

I always felt a bit sacreligious listening to that song but had to admit it was one of my favorites of theirs, because I DO think sometimes God has a sense of humor (and also it is a very singable tune). This week I had a revelation about that -- not to mention I actually heard the song on the TV music channel! I am being chuckled at from Heaven (and I'm okay with it). To wit:

What's the one thing I want more than anything in the world? Right, to stay home with my boy. And how can I be super-sure that God has listened to and answered that prayer? AJ's been sick one day per week, these last four weeks. I've been forced to saty home with him. Heh. Not quite the way I wanted to be answered, but I've been told my whole life God's got his own way of answering prayers. Funny, huh? I am a tiny bit grateful for the gift of all that time with AJ, but I also wish he'd get well already. Thank you, God, for the lesson, and now please commence with the merciful healing.

A 2nd funny example of God talking to me: Of course one thing that would make it possible for me to stay home is more moo-lah. I try never to pray for money (tsk, tsk, it's SUCH bad form)! But God knows what's on my heart, and every time I say "If it's your will, let it be," he probably hears a tinge of "Sure wish we had more money money money."

THEREFORE! In another stinging little joke, as He's taught AJ to talk, God has also infused in him a LOVE of MOVIES. AJ will ask all day can he watch his movies movies movies. And I get slightly irritated. Except you know how he pronounces it? You betcha: "Wat money money money."

Hahahahahaha. I get it, God. Thank you again. Lesson received. :)

Public Service Announcement

Just FYI, Wendy's latest concoction is about like I'd expected: Not That Good. I tried the turkey basil and pesto "Frescata" -- winner of the 2006 "Not a Word!" contest -- and it was flavorful, but rather dry. Or maybe I'm just used to enjoying a mouthful of grease and tomato at Wendy's. We always used to call their burgers "The Messier, the Better!" Was that an ad slogan at one time? Anyway, I say stick with the Single w/Cheese unless you're dieting. In which case, do not stop, do not collect $200, get yourself over to Subway with Jared.

Incidentally, if you're into nicely designed web sites, I was goofing around trying to find other "Not a Word!" winners, and thought probably Taco Hell had some. They didn't, but their site is pretty slick.

Lookie

Perhaps I should
consider curtains. But still...
Pretties!





















And, oh, okay, one more:

This is to that, "food" edition

Honey Nut Cheerios :: Best cereal ever!

Yesterday's Rain :: Good for crops and gardens.

Fox's Hell's Kitchen :: Freaking hilarious! (And soooo stupid and contrived. But hilarious.)

My Banana Bread :: AJ's favorite. "Anana Bay."

My Spanish Rice :: Made up last night out of thin air. (And everyone -- yes, AJ too -- liked it and ate it!)

Week-old chocolate chip pound cake :: Should've been tossed after eating one piece (pound cake!!) but still sits on my counter. Garbage day is Thursday!

Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition

This week I am going to write about nothing but good things. I am going to resist nature's monthly urge to whine, and instead band-aid over it by Thinking Happy Thoughts. I am Mrs. Merry Sunshine, and gratitude is my weapon. EVERYBODY SMILE, DAMMIT.

--Children's (purple) Motrin gets my wholehearted endorsement. Even more wonderful, I did not have to administer it at all yesterday, after 3 days of shameless reliance on it. AJ survived his fever. I always imagine those who lived when fever was cause for major worry -- Laura and Mary Ingalls and their scarlett fever come to mind -- and wonder how they survived being mothers back then. Not to mention how they survived to grow old enough to become mothers, but I'm talking about surviving the fear of your child being ill. Even though we mothers today know the Motrin will kick in any minute now, it's a quiet hell to sit there and feel the wet, red heat coming from every surface of your little one. Those women in 1870 were tough as nails. But back to the grateful: Motrin! Hooray! AJ sucks it right down like honey.

--Good thing: My boss just left the office for a business trip. Always good when he's not here.

--Good thing: Blatantly doocing myself with the above statement. (Hi, coworkers!)

--Good thing: Pool-time with friends and acquaintances, and discovering spray-on sunscreen! I haven't known very many years of squirmy kids who won't let you put that zinc stuff on without a fight, but for those moms who have, here is your salvation! Just spray it on? GENIUS! I went right out and bought 2 bottles. The days of grinding little granules of razor-sharp SAND into your sensitive skin while applying lotion at the beach are officially over.

--Potty trained not-yet-3-year-olds are a VERY GOOD THING! Congrats, larry and family! It feels like forever before AJ will get there, but hey, what's a day if you can't hold your breath and look some poop right in the eye, eh?

Material girl

The china cabinet is installed and it looks beautiful. Pictures to follow after I gently position all my pretties inside! I have to say, one of the sweetest things about it is how much DH is anxious for it to be ready for me to "play with." He worked really hard last night, not even taking time to change out of his work attire, to clean off the masking tape residue from the glass and inspect the wood and the metal and all. He ran out to Home Depot to get some thingamabobs to help it sit level on the carpet. He checked and rechecked to make sure it is just right. The care with which he's preparing it says a lot to me. I'm one lucky material girl.

In other news, AJ woke up with worse fever this morning than he had yesterday, so once again he is not going to school. I swear, the money we have offered to the daycare gods is starting to add the hell up. The days he hasn't been there since May 1, that we've paid for (because he isn't ALLOWED to go, sick)? 5. Let's clicky-click on our calculators... that's 180 bucks, dude. This is why it is ANNOYING to live away from your family where there are no grandparents handy for such emergencies. This is also when I start wishing and whining for THINGS WHICH ARE NOT, which I am not supposed to mention.

ANNNNyway, let's talk about something else. What's new in the news? My Senior year American History teacher used to always ask that to begin her current events talk before class. A 10-second scan of this morning's cnn.com brought me to that HORRIBLE photo of the dead Al-Zarqawi, did you see it? -- gross, CNN!!!! Are you kidding me? His lips are blue! There is uncouth, and then there is UNcouth - and I don't care if he IS a terrorist of the worst kind, I don't need to see his extreme close-up, fat DEAD above the fold at 9:50 in the morning. Good Lord. -- and also this shark story, which is equally wonderful to behold right before our beach trip. Two news items proving that this world is not the same as when we were young and carefree. We used to go all the way to the sandbar, at least 200 yards out, swimming, jumping waves, getting nibbled by minnows, not a care in the world about possible sharks. Hours of pure innocent sunburn-inducing joy. I never even saw "Jaws." But no way am I letting my kid swim there, now that the beasts have been lured **by us** to the seaside for their snacks! They can keep their shark-teeth, thankyouverymuch. I'll be at the pool!

Oh, for Pete's sake.

Now we're throwing up and feverish. AJ, I mean. What is WITH this kid? What in heck are they feeding him down at that school? Woke my butt up at 12:30 last night and kept on yuking 'til about 2 am. That's TWO changes of the crib sheet, 2 sets of jammies, and one stuffed bunny that may never be the same.

On a day when all I wanted to do (besides work my tail off for Mr. Multi-National Corporation Owner, of course) was set up my pretty china cabinet. Doesn't he know Mama's got PRIORITIES?

Sheesh.

A day in the life

Remember, we did this in April? Invented by Sheryl, my content supplier. Seems every fun thing I find can be attributed to her! So without further adieu, my (yester)day:

June 6

5:50 am
Woke up ten minutes early to begin getting us all ready to get out the door early so DH and I could get to his colonoscopy appointment in midtown by 7:30. AJ actually woke up in a very pleasant mood (asking for "Cheh-joos [in] a bowl" first thing). We made it out the door on time!

7:40 am
DH whisked away for his procedure and I wave bye-bye. I've been waiting to sit here uninterrupted for 2 hours and dive into my book, because I can't wait to finish it before hosting Book Club tonight.

9:00 am
Tears sting my eyes as I read the last few pages. And no tissues to be found in my purse or the waiting room. I know people are looking at me. Crap! Stop it, tears! Heh, heh. GOOD BOOK.

9:15 am
Go back to DH's recovery area and listen to him mumble as the anesthesia wears off. Laugh 'cause we have the same dialogue twice -- he doesn't remember. The nurse tells me that they biopsied a lot of places in the intestine, and all of a sudden I think to get nervous because "biopsy" is sometimes a scary word. Selfish me, didn't even think about a negative possible result... should I have? Silently say the quickest prayer for good results. But not too worried, really.

9:30 am
Doc comes in, tells us (me) he looks great inside. Yay. I really like his gastroenterologist. DH is coming to now, so we get him dressed and head out to pick up some food (he hasn't eaten, as instructed, since noon the day before, and I haven't had b'fast so we're both starved).

10:15 am
Since he was such a good little patient, we stop at Best Buy. DH buys a movie and a video game, and I get a little treat for myself, as well. Best Buy on a weekday morning, without the Saturday masses? Very Cool. Then off to Sonic 'cause DH wants burgers and Cherry-Limeades. Yum! (I swear to myself after this, no "bad" food 'til after the Beach. Ha.)

11:30 am
We sit down at home, I open up the laptop and start my work-at-home day. Meanwhile, DH revs up the DVD player and relaxes, as he deserves. It is kinda hard to resist joining him -- the lights are off in the den, there's a cozy blanket on the couch... a nap would feel mighty nice... but I resist.

2:00 pm
Still working, checking web sites and taking 1 phone call. Make marinade for london broil, and put the meat in. Mmmm.

4:00 pm
Time to pick up AJ from dayare. He is standing at the glass door of his classroom when I get there and starts banging on it, The Graduate-style. It's very cute.

4:30 pm
Run through the bank drive-through, and head home. Let AJ watch 1 hour of his movies (Chip-n-Dale and Goofy on DVD). Now starts my stress-fest, since I'm having folks over. I make an appetizer dip, then stop. No one's coming 'til 7, Self, just relax. Then I make some tea. Then stop again. I have time, no need to freak out. Then I remember the downstairs bathroom hasn't been cleaned, eek! Get on hands and knees. Scrub. DH plays with AJ and I keep going in there to remind myself, It's just 4 people, no biggie. None of my food takes a long time to prepare. Then I remember I should peel potatoes and get them going so AJ can have some for his dinner, too. It's so funny -- I can tell myself not to worry about hosting a party, but it's in my GENES to get a little wigged out. I only snapped at DH once, I think, the whole evening, but my mood was definitely FOCUSED, no-time-to-have-fun, don't-bother-me-I'm-PLANNING. I did go outside and pick the last gardenia blossom and put it in water. So pretty! I didn't even know I had gardenias 'til this year! (Yay for DH cutting down the tree that was blocking them from the sun!)

7:00 pm
Everything's set out and it's time for the guests to arrive. AJ's been fed (not "AJ's eaten," but "been fed," much to my frustration as usual). Grill is turned on. Wine is open. Apps are out. Table's set. I'm ready.

7:30 pm - 10:30 om
Girl-time! We chatter while I let DH do the work of grilling, then bathing/reading to AJ. Ha! Everyone is impressed by this! The steak was a PERFECT medium, we had a great discussion -- even managed to talk about the book this time -- wine poured, dessert shared, and we wrap up about 10:15. Then I start cleaning up and am left with my thoughts, which is no good because the old self-esteem monster comes in my head to tell me no one really liked the meal, that cake was too dry, they probably didn't have as much fun as we do at Stacy's house, I'm not that great of a hostess... Stupid. Why do I let myself think that way? Everyone was perfectly nice and there was laughter, it was enjoyable, people licked their plates clean! Whatever. I close up the kitchen by setting the dishwasher to start in 1 hour. Then I reconsider, and set it to start right away, so I get to hear that satisfying "swoosh" of water, telling me I accomplished a dinner party, and the day is now officially over. That's a nice feeling.

The Poisonwood Bible

by Barbara Kingsolver

I must write about this book, but I don't quite know what to write. I know that no review of mine will ever do it justice. I couldn't even completely wrestle out my thoughts for note-taking, which I tried desperately to do in the back, blank extra pages of my mass-market copy, so I'd remember some of its nuances and complexities. As if I'll ever forget.

It's the story, in case you don't know, of a Baptist missionary family - a preacher and his wife and 4 daughters - who travel to the Congo in the 1960s. Not my usual fare right there for starters, despite its being an Oprah Book, but WOW. My eyes are opened. More than the story of the family, it is the story of our WORLD -- our relationships with Africa and her countries, for good and for very bad, and the balance between all of the opposing forces. Nature vs. technology, have vs. have-not, black vs. white, our "God" vs. their mamba snake, husband vs. wife, democracy vs. other systems, "African-American" and what a contradiction the term sorta is... Communism as a possible good in the case of those starving native families.... it's a confusing, startling, wonderful book. It brought me to tears, and that is the best recommendation I can give to any story. Only a few novels bring me to tears (which is surprising, as much as I'm prone to crying!), so only they get put on my List of Favorites. This one belongs there, without a doubt.

I've wanted to read this book for years -- have seen it on bookstore tables, promising a literary lesson, but keeping many of its best secrets hidden. Finally, last month it was my turn to choose for Book Club, and I couldn't resist it any longer. I learned so much. I hesitantly want to ask my Mom to read it, because I want to know her views as someone who was around in the '60s. What did she know about Africa, at that time? And I want to hear her reactions to the book. (I say 'hesitant' because I'm not sure she'll love as much as I did. But then, that is the point of discussion great literature, yes?) I'm fairly certain my sister would like it, and eager to share it with her, too, as it is a story about sisters. I'm excited to host our meeting tonight, and see what my girlfriends have to say about it. I'm serving a marinated London Broil and Ranch Mashed Potaotes, as well as the requisite girly salad with feta and dried cranberries, and red wine. :)

Bday weekend 2006

What is the deal with blogger? I am typing this in Word and am going to have to copy/paste it later. Because the thoughts are in my head NOW, and they will soon be gone. My mind is like that.

I had a very nice Birthday Weekend, despite the fact that I was sick all of Saturday and most of Sunday. Urgh, the tummy bug got me. Including bedtime chills, achy shoulders, Charmin, and quite possibly a low-grade fever. Amazing how crappy just a teensy bit of fever can make you feel. Thank goodness for Advil. Am feeling much better today and food is appealing again. We had a fun time at the pizza place, and not just because we were watching our friends chase their little girl. AJ sat in his high chair while she ran wild around the restaurant "making friends" with the other patrons. And sitting on the wet floor (gross)! And getting in the way of the servers. AJ did his share of squirming, to be sure. But he was told to Sit Down in his High Chair, and he did. Grinned at me every time he tried to stand back up, the little weasel. But then sat back down again like the good little boy we are raising him to be. Smug smug smug. Toward the end of the evening he began saying "Weddy duh DOH, Mama. (Ready to GO!)"

So, to sum up: We purchased my china cabinet in what must have been the Easiest Rooms-To-Go shopping experience ever. I took a nap with AJ in the dark cool of my room. I read my book for more than an hour. We played outside. We ate dinner with good friends. I got calls from my loved ones. I watched Bridget Jones' The Edge of Reason, and ate cake, after my non-singing husband soloed Happy Birthday to me in his (actually lovely) baritone. Truly, it couldn't have been a nicer day. Except for the Charmin, of course.

P.S. larry! Thanks for your message! Would have called you back but it seemed awfully tacky to call back to "receive" my birthday greetings. :)

Just some stuff

So, Grandad met with a surgeon yesterday and following another consult with a pulmonary doc, they will try to schedule a surgery for him. When we saw him last weekend, he seemed in fairly good spirits for a guy who's been through what he's been through the past year, and I was glad of that. He'll need all the strength he can muster for the next phase.

We're hoping for some rain. Not for our plants and flowers, since AJ and I broke out the garden hose yesterday and doused them nicely. (AJ also enjoyed watering the rocks.) But for the cleaning of my driveway, which is covered in drawings of apples, rainbows, cats, sailboats, additional apples - the kid is obsessed - hearts, flowers and fish (I draw "girly" what can I say??)... due to the recent purchase of THIS monstrosity:

Please, Mr. Weatherman! Let it rain! We're running out of canvas!

Even though it was a three-day week, I'm anxious for the weekend break. Here's our plan:
Saturday
9:00am: I have "good choir" practice 'til 1:00pm. Last practice of the year.

3:00pm: I would like to visit the furniture store and purchase my anniversary/birthday gift with DH -- a china cabinet woo hoo! This is something I've l-o-n-g-e-d-f-o-r, since the dawn of time and my china collection. Since we got married, we've used that china and its corresponding silver exactly twice, because it is such a royal pain to drag it all out of the back of the closet where it's hidden (from potential robbers, you understand) in acid-free, bump-preventing cushioned bags. I would love to see my china on a daily basis. I would walk by it lovingly and say, "Good day, my preciouses." I might even Windex that cabinet regularly so its sparkle would be apparent. DH has been saying "Just PICK a cabinet, already!" for a couple of years now. So it is time. :)

6:00pm: My friend Mags is coming over to babysit so that DH and I can attend a party. I'm hoping there will be drinks involved, although it's a h.s. graduation shindig, so I doubt it. (I'm starting to sound like quite the lush with all my talk lately. I don't know why -- we totally don't even drink and therefore one glass is about all we can handle. I just like the taste of cocktails, more than anything. Aaaaand... the giggling.)

Sunday
10:00am Unfortunately Pentencost falls late this year, so Parish Choir stretches all the way into June. But that's it -- after this Sunday, sayonara Parish Choir. Really, I'm quitting it. No REALLY. I CAN TO tell someone No. Shut up.

5:00pm Plans are in place to visit the being-revitalized Downtown Square and let AJ run around in their park, as well as meeting my best pal from college. We'll walk to the pizza place after that and have a nice birthday dinner. I'm pretty psyched about that because I'm all about pizza. Beach Week, pfft. I think I have shed all my delusions about being skinny for the beach. I just don't care all that much if I look roly or poly. Wait, yes I do. How many abdominal crunches can I work in today? How many tomorrow? ...Nah, shrug, I don't. Sue me.

26 sounds like a good number

From papernapkin, the A to Z meme:


accent: Southern-fried.

booze: Margaritas. On the rocks, with salt.

chore I hate: unloading dishes.

dogs/cats: allergic to both, but we have a dog. I can't decide if I'm more a dog person or a cat person.

essential electronics: iBook G4. Although I'd love a newer one. It's sad, the speed at which something electronic becomes 'old.' I also have an iPod nano and rely pretty heavily on my cell phone. Oh, and Tivo/DVR! Essential!

favorite perfume/cologne: I'm wearing Warm Vanilla Sugar by Bath & Body Works these days. Cheap Cheap! I really loved wearing Tommy Girl for a long while. On a man, I love Cool Water.

gold/silver: silver

hometown: currently, Marietta, GA. But my heart calls Pensacola home since my family lives there.

Insomnia: never! I bet I can sleep standing up.

job title: web producer

kids: 1 precious boy

living arrangements: This question always cracks me up, I don’t know why, it just seems a dumb thing to ask. 2-story house (3 if you count the unfinished basement), in the 'burbs.

most admired trait: Calm, collected.

number of sexual partners: Well, hello! ….One. (at a time)… hahahahaha, I will never tell. My husband and I have never even discussed this about each other. The past is the past.

overnight hospital stays: just the one, when AJ was born

phobia: don't really have a true phobia, but little innocuous fears about bad things happening

quote: "Thank you, God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough." - Garrison Keillor

religion: Cradle, mostly practicing Catholic, infinitely grateful for my tradition and all the depth of knowledge it's given me, but not as devout as some; love to learn about other traditions and gather useful things from them, too

siblings: 1 wonderful sister

time I usually wake up: 5:38…snooze…5:47… snooze…6:00 am

unusual talent: I can fold fitted sheets like a pro.

vegetable I refuse to eat: Tsk, tsk. Shouldn't refuse any veggie, they're good for you. But I refuse to even TRY Vege-Mite.

worst habit: spending time online when I should be working?

x-rays: Teeth, once a year. I think that's it!

yummy foods I make: Crepes, banana bread, jerk chicken, Shrimp Durango

zodiac sign: Gemini.

June is busting out all over.

We're back, after a nice long holiday weekend plus one extra day for us. Yesterday I actually had time to go get my hair done. First time since December, people. What a luxury. I savored every moment of those toxic bleach-y fumes, every word of Allure magazine, and the salon-gossip my stylist was catty (awesome) enough to share with me.

I'm torn today because June holds much promise -- the month of our family vacation hooray!, the first month that school's out so traffic is thinner, the month of my 32nd birthday -- but as I make my to-do list at the office this morning, I'm seeing a month FULL-UP with WORK. Why is it that EVERY YEAR, I think work's going to slack up a bit, and send me on vacation to refresh and renew... but instead I end up SLAMMED right up until we close the trunk of the car on our way out? Every. Year. All of a suddent things are piling up: client visits, websites to write, blah ba dee blah, blah, blah. This year, add an extra choir concert on the 17th and a whole lot of unexpected social committments like this random h.s. graduation party we have to attend this Saturday, and I'm fully burned out before the month even starts. Plllllbbbbbbttt.

I will handle it (and not whine... every day). At least my gray hairs -- which will undoubtedly BUST OUT with this upcoming stress (and being SO OLD!) -- are now properly disguised as summer highlights. :)

Message for larry:

I am bored and can't stay focused!! Blahghhghghaaaaa. Friday afternoons suck. Methinks Friday night is going to be LIQUOR NIGHT at my house.

We're going to visit Shawn's grandparents so you guys have a burger-grillin', lawn-sprinkler-playin,' baseball-watchin' lemonade-sippin' Memorial Day without me.

MWAH!

P.S. Turns out the Old Navy MADRAS shorts -- which I LOVELOVELOVE in the commercials -- drool over, really, I had some yummy madras clothes in the '80s -- are Short-shorts. Rrrrrrgh. I do not think it would be good if I put Short-shorts on these thighs. Damn.

Can do it myself

I got screamed at by my 22-month-old last night because I DARED to put away his DVD case, which he told me it was time to put "wa-way," instead of lifting him high above my head so he could reach the shelf and do it HIMSELF. So we're at that stage.

Personally, I am right at the opposite end of that stick. I was thinking yesterday, while doing a work assignment, "I really don't LIKE doing this. But the fact is, I CAN do it, I have the SKILLS necessary to do it." Kind-of a bummer that I have those skills, because it means I Have To do the assignment.

Guess I'll be a great coach when AJ gets to the "I DON'T WANNA" stage. :)

Tummy bugs

AJ has another tummy problem, so I'm home today feeding him attempting to feed him yogurt and plain crackers and clear liquids. He's not really into yogurt these days. Even though I tried to fool him by announcing his "cherry pudding" was for lunch. Hmph. Too smart for me, I guess. We only managed to get a few bites of the good bacteria in him. He gets the occassional stomach cramp when he comes to me and wants to be held for a minute. "Does your tummy hurt, buddy?" He answers, "Ah do." :( Poor little man.

My husband's grandfather's been diagnosed with a malignant tumor in his lower intestine. This is a big bummer. The man's fairly weakened already so they aren't sure he's up to dealing with a surgery. So that's really really sad. Not sure what happens from here; it feels rather like no one's got much hope about an old man surviving it. I know that's reality but it seems wrong not to even WANT to fight it. Sigh. I know it's going to hit my husband hard because Grandad was really a father for him. He used to go stay with them in the summers and I know he cherishes those times and Grandad's gentle wisdom. And his indulgence of DH's childhood whims. Grandad took him to see movies, and if there was ever a toy that DH couldn't get in Georgia, Grandad would beat a hot path looking for it in every store in Tennessee. :)

We're anticipating DH's colonoscopy in a few weeks, as well. That will be fun. It's his 4th or 5th one and he's not forty yet! They're preventive of course, and necessary to keep watch on Captain Crohn. I'm sure that Grandad's news will weigh heavy on him this time. Sigh. I'm naturally a tad worried that all these gastroentologic legacies will someday reveal themselves in AJ's little body. Guess I'd better start a serious devotion to St. Timothy.

There'll be joy

I knew I wouldn't be able to stand "taking a break" from blogging. :) So I'm here, even though I still don't feel I have anything much to share. Except, well, writing things down that *I* want to remember, like last weekend I participated in possibly the best choral experience I've ever had. Now for me that's saying a LOT, because I have had the honor of singing in LOTS of choral concerts. Some in Europe, which you'd think would make them top on the list just by geographical and architectural default. I've been inspired many many times by particular MOMENTS during a choral performance. Like when I sang Handel's Messiah, when all the A-mens begin, I really FELT the "end" of that piece -- the culmination, because it paralelled my own life at that moment. It was the end of my college career -- my senior year Spring concert -- my last event with my first concert chorus. The end of my first love affair with choral music. (Oops, watch out for my dripping Sap!) I had a brief moment singing those Amens where every instance of music in my life was brought to mind: Granny, "the" singer in our family who taught me by example; my childhood stint in the First United Methodist and First Presbyterian choirs in my hometown (I was very young - maybe only 3 or 4 - for one of those choirs); all the piano and violin lessons; "songleading" in elementary school Masses... it was a tearful but happy moment that I'll never forget. And the times in Europe WERE great, too. Sometimes I'd just marvel at where we were -- Poland, Prague -- those were amazing moments.

That said, this past weekend was, yes, I think a teeny bit BETTER. The music we sang included a lot of songs I'd done before, and some, like Schubert's Mass in G, that I didn't think I even liked in rehearsals. But I learned very definitively that *the orchestration* is what makes Schubert and Mozart. The choral components? Meh. But put 'em together -- stand right in the middle of it, feel it happen around you with the 2nd violas sitting right there and a great conductor, an organist, and focus on your every note so that you execute each one perfectly as it was meant to be sung? and it's heaven. It's mathmatical and perfect and a full unique language. That is why those guys are called "genius."

Choral performance is most assuredly my favorite thing to do. I would rather have been in that church, on those risers Saturday night, than just about anywhere else. [And now for some stream of consciousness that I typed out shortly after the concert...] Durufle motets -- Tota Pulchra Es won't get out of my head now, I love it. Totus Tuus -- hardest choral piece I've ever sung -- and I've done it twice in performance now -- Such a prayer. "Totus Tuus sum Maria" -- I am completely yours, Mary -- Our Mother -- was a good chance for me to ask for strength and guidance in motherhood. The whole experience was spiritual for me. The actual "spirituals" made me grin wide. Gilead, Ride On King Jesus, Little Lamb, and Ain'a That Good News! Man! The acoustic was amazing, the music well chosen, the artists real, the sound glorious. The last note of Little Lamb = "Joooooy!" reverberated at least 6 seconds. I am PRIVILEGED to have been part of all of it. I heard my own voice, singing its best and loudest! at times. And yet it was just a tiny part of this grand whole GROUP -- a real communion with others, musical ensembles. I know that music is, aside from my family, my husband, and my son, Absolutely the greatest gift God gave to me. -- to the world! It's larger than me, larger than the world. It's a Privilege. And it's very humbling.

Thanks. Had to get that out. :)

Twitchy

I think I need a break from blogging. When I insistently click "Bookmarks" in my toolbar, but feel hopeless even as I scroll down to the "Blogs" folder that nothing in there is going to interest me, I think that's a sign. When I get a blank page in front of me and drum my fingers on the keys, unable to think of ANYTHING meaningful to type, that's another sign. Also when my eyes burn.

[Aside:] Anybody else just plain jealous that other people are being PAID, real-time full-time jobs, to mom-blog? I mean, yeah, happy for them and all that, but man, I could SO deal with some a'that action. We can't all be superstars, though, and I'm nowhere near the caliber. It's like church: some of God's angels sing from the pews and not from the choir loft. We need them there, too.

Anyways I think I'm backing off for a bit. I just might not hit "publish" in the next week or so. (Watch me get bored today at come over here to talk about Tom Hanks' hair, which, by the way, I think is appropriate to his daVinci Code CHARACTER. It's called acting, people. Plus he had to do something different so people wouldn't think "hey, it's Forest Gump. It's Jim Lovell. It's Tom Hanks!" Duh.)

I might not even read my favorites for a week or so. Gasp. What'll I read?? Well, I just bought 2 books the other day -- fiction, fun books simply because I WANTED them, quelle treat! -- maybe those. (Poisonwood Bible by B. Kingsolver and Plain Truth by J. Piccoult, in case you're wondering.)

Later, gators. :)

Mother's Day gift

AJ is starting to abosrb the world with all 5 of his senses. A few weeks ago when DH bought me some flowers on his way home from work (! writing that here because I want to remember it!), AJ was very keen to "mell" them. He got his little nose close and then giggled with the delight that is a rose's fragrance.

He's also hearing things. Last Thursday we were in the front yard doing our daily ball-playing with Napoleon, and a siren of some sort began its moaning on the way to rescue. "Heah dat?" AJ said. "Heah dat?" Yes, I grinned, "That might be a fire truck!" And AJ said, "Ray tut!" (Red truck!) Genius child! I loved that he heard it from so far away and mimicked what I've evidently been saying to him every time I hear something interesting.

So last night, we went out for Mother's Day dinner at, where else? My favorite Mexican place. It sits really close to a working railroad track, and while we were in line at the hostess stand, a train moved through. Husband walked over to the side of the building so that AJ could see the choo-choo, and reported back to me that AJ clamped onto him pretty tightly as it whistled by. No more than 100 yards away, a train is rather LOUD, you see. Later during our meal, which we ate in the back of the restaurant, another train came through. AJ heard it, looked up at me with eyes wide and a tiny whimper, and then

reached out and held my hand (my finger, actually) the rest of the meal.

The gift of Touch. :)

Week in Review!

Hey, check me out, I'm openly stealing! It has come to this. :)

Reading:
Wish I could name a book o' the Bible a la Melessa's WIR, but alas, I am not as good a person as she. Maybe I should start with JAMES, though. It's in my head, for some reason. I think the JAMESes are good, uplifting books. To wit:

But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. (James 1:5)

We'll put that on the to-do list.

Happily, I'm finally reading Harry Potter 6: the Half-Blood Prince. It's good that I've put a great deal of time between this and the last HP book. Although I've really loved all of them, they can be a bit tiresome (Harry begins schoolyear. Harry dislikes the Dark Arts prof. Hermione is very smart. Ron is not so much. The three of them ward off V-mort again. Hagrid bumbles around with an animal. Dumbledore dispenses sage advice. Harry returns to Privet Drive. The end). Of course, Rowling helps my procrastinating by how long it takes her to write each one! BUT, within her formula plot, she keeps churning out incredibly detailed characters and conflicts, so I forgive her. It'll probably take me a year to read this one; I get through a chapter page or two and drift immediately off to sleep. This is the state of my reading life avec child.

Watching:
So much watching. Our best friend Tivo works hard for us. Let's see, LOST this week was not as much of a mind-blower as the week before; it was more about trying to figure out whatthehelljusthappened. That show consistently impresses me, though. Again, detailed conflicts and several-thousand-layered characters. I LOVE IT. Poor Hurley. He was so sad. (Surprisingly, I did not cry.)

I also have FOUR, count'em, FOUR episodes of Scrubs recorded. Not sure when we'll ever watch those but JD and the gang totally crack me up. Not to mention this week's Amazing Race, a documentary about 9/11 that hubby recorded, and infinite Battlestar Galactica episodes that are so old now (from LAST summer?) I'm not even interested. Gah!

Mostly I'm watching Lady and the Tramp and lately, the Teletubbies. If you can believe this, my son's daycare introduced them to him. Daycare shows them one video per week. When it was Barney it was bad enough (although I had let Barney slide into our lives long before AJ started videos at daycare). But Britain's Weirdest? I did NOT need that. Thanks KidsRKids. "Aly wally Tubby? Aly wally Tubbie?" SIGH.

In My Netflix queue:
Hahahahahaha. We gave up Netflix 2 weeks after AJ arrived. We knew it was a doomed relationship. Hwever, I had recorded TAPS on the Tivo a few weeks ago, and watched it this week. Very good movie; such young versions of Sean Penn, Timothy Hutton and Wacko Cruise. It's one of Hubby's favorites from childhood and I enjoyed it. Pretty shocking, for its time.

What're you reading/writing/watching?

Magic eraser takes out any stain

One of the bad things about blogging when you're down is that it looks like the whole entirety of Thursday, May 11 was spent in the "dark place," unless I post something else. In truth, however, after I worked out (ROAR! Abs and arms today!) I felt much better. Checked off my to-do-list items. Did a little work, in fact. Drank some juice.

What-ever, depressive feelings. Pfft, I say.

Perennial ingrate

Imagine me sitting at the table in my kitchen, AJ safely in place at the daycare, hubby at work, no one to deal with but my sweet iBook and fuzzy, snoring dog; braless, makeupless, shoeless, checking email to discover I had no client bothering me, nothing really on my project radar, drinking coffee with Cool Whip Lite in it. Surfing my blogs. Imagine me, COMPLAINING about that. Good Lord in Heaven, somebody smack me! But there it is, I was ignoring all those good things and feeling sad, instead, when I ran out to Walgreen's to pick up some "Con-grad-ulations" (and, shhhh, Mother's Day) cards that MUST get in the mail today, because I drove RIGHT BY the daycare. And AJ was in there, and not with me. And I couldn't stay out too long becuase I am chained to my computer. Waaaaaa, I Have To Work.

What a righteous B R A T in big bold letters across my rear end. Because I can wallow in that one sad thought for, like, a couple of days if I try really hard. I can let it fester and in a matter of minutes produce real, hot stupid tears about it. I've gotten quite good since I've now been doing this for 22 months. (Like you don't know! I've only spent 42% of this blog going on and on and on about it. Okay, 52%.) It pisses me off. I have all of the best blessings in this LIFE. And I get to talk to grown, interesting adults every day! I am somewhat important to the workings of a business -- validated, in a word! (I am certain the moms that I envy do not get enough Validation for their Work.) And yet, somehow it isn't enough for me. I don't accept it as my final destination. I am not yet Satisfied.

I don't even quite know what it is I want. Mostly, it has to do with the future, because right now, really, it's working. WFM 2 days a week, Good. Daycare, Good. Money! Quite Good. But someday, I will need, and therefore I need to start preparing for:
--Easier logistics. How will I pick up AJ at 2:30 after school if I'm working full time and AN HOUR'S DRIVE AWAY?
--More Time for Him. As AJ gets older, he'll need someone to drive him to things. Like Comic Book Club and Video Game Practice. In fact, my SAHM best friend says she's more glad NOW to have the time for her 9 and 7 10 and 8 (ack! so big!) year olds than when they were toddlers. They need her to be a SAHM more now, for homework and activities and such.
--Summers off. How else am I going to get a freaking tan? But no, in all seriousness, who's going to take AJ to the pool? And enjoy long days with him? And get him interested in the library's summer reading program? I don't want him to have to attend day-camps one after another from June 'til September. The thought of that makes me more sad. I know that kids DO it, and survive, but I didn't have to. And I can't make myself stop attaching what was MY reality to what I think AJ's should be.

So the only thing to do in this situation is to quit sitting here being a sad brat, wishing, and Get Up and Do Something. Make a List. Because if I'm doing the little things on the list, at least then I can restart the Grateful, for this present moment, and stop gnawing at my own arm for the big, bad future.

1. Put roast in crock pot.
2. Workout.
3. Get cards in the mail.
4. Put Shit Away (laundry, mail, random toys, dishes).
5. Email Certain Friend(s) I've been neglecting to reply to.

There now. Moving on. Maybe one of these days I should make a life goals list, too, and work on that.

P.S. Sorry, readers. This is really the worst kind of navel-gazing and my darkest place.

Feeling share-y?

Hey, if you need a reason to give money for cancer research, Speckblog's got one: You enter her raffle, your dollars will help people who need it, and you might get a shiny prize!

Shiny prize! Shiny prize! Ahem. I mean, money for a good cause! good cause!

Sticks and snails

Today, as always, Kira posts a beautful, funny note about the mysterious world of little boys. She being an expert, with three of them. I love love love to read her, because I get a glimpse of -- an education about -- this world OF WHICH I KNOW NOTHING! :) I have a sister, no brothers. "I don't know no" trucks or action heroes or Bionicles. Yesterday I got a small inkling of what my son's world -- and my living room floor -- will become in the next few years ...we had to get a birthday present for AJ's friend Matthew, who turns 2 next week. His mom said, "Anything related to cars or trains." So, I turned our Target cart down the darkly-colored aisle (as opposed to the glittering, pinkly-colored aisle -- are girls' things getting MORE glittery, btw?), and slo-o-o-o-wly perused all the staggering, mysterious boy merchandise. Hot Wheels. Xmen. "Web Copters" and "Ultimate Warriors." And things with names like "Bardock" and "Slimer." I was starting to get short of breath. A little overewhelmed and I have to PICK something out of this mess of parts and plastic?? But AJ, sitting quietly in the cart, knew right away where we were when we reached the transportation area.

"TUTS!" he exclaimed. "Mama, wodududo aww da TUTS!" (He's adding extra syllables into his sentences these days. I love it.) "Yes, honey," I replied.

Look At All The Trucks.

Trucks.

:)

Guess I'm missing out

I really wish I could get inspired by the theme of "cheating," so I could enter this month's B4B. But I can't. I've racked my brain but my sister and I were just too sweet to each other when we played Sorry! and Clue. Oh well. :) Maybe I'll be inspired next month. If you have a novel in the wings about cheating, though, why not go post a chapter? Take a chance! I think you have 'til the end of today.Scratch that, time's up!

I also missed "This Day in the Life". I suppose I could do it retroactively, but I'm not feeling that much energy. The 6th, Saturday, can be summed up thus: Woke up, had breakfast, watched "Lady and the Tramp" twice, observed AJ being adorable, lather-rinse-repeat. Oh, also worked out, yay! And ate dinner on the back porch. Drank a bottle of our Biltmore wine. Got headaches. It was a great day but I'm not able to type out the details this time.

Blogging on the weekend is hard for me. When I'm at work, sitting in front of a computer screen anyway, sure. But when I have a free day? Gettin' out the ol' laptop doesn't really call to me like baking or playing outside or reading a book or...uh... lazing on my sofa do. :)

Dream Friday

Oh, this was a funny one: It was the week of my family's annual beach vacation. It was also the week before a St. Joseph's choir concert of some sort. (In real life we don't do concerts.) So the whole choir went with me to the beach. And the director, who in the dream was one of the sweetest altos in the group, made us rehearse all day every day of MY VACATION! It was crazy. On Thursday, I was hoppin' mad and I told everyone, "We've been here 4 days and I haven't even been to the pool yet! Grumble harumph, mrph mrph!"

So that one's pretty easy to interpret, yes? Methinks I carry the choir "burden" a little closer to my heart than necessary. !

I put all the week's dreams down on paper and thought about them, and it's pretty clear that somehow, I'm not quite satisfied. I'm feeling "in transition," and not sure where the journey is going to lead me next. Things are gray. Murky. Frustrating. I could admit it's relative to my job -- that I don't feel like I want to "settle" HERE in this situation forever -- or, that it's about wanting to move to a small town - specifically, my parents' small town -- or, amazingly, that church choir means enough to me that this decision about whether to quit or not is causing my subconscious much angst... but I think it's just about life in general. According to the email that gets forwarded around, you're supposed to

"Trust your Higher Power that you are exactly where you're meant to be. Let this presence settle into your bones..."

...guess I'm not quite doing that. I'd like to, though. I really would. I think that's what I should take from this little exercise.

Thursday dream

I only remember one scene, of being in a museum/aquarium of some sort, but it was set up in someone's creaky old house. Not an old house renovated to be a museum, but someone's actual home. Some of the rooms were bedrooms. Everything was gray or gray-green. It seems like some of the fish or lizard tanks were dirty, but I can't be sure. It was crowded and people were filing through. I think I was visiting alone, though.

I've read that Gray is "related with a transition period. If it's clear, it signifies peace, but if dull signifies fear." Hm. Not sure which category mine fits into. I guess "transition" might correllate with yesterday's entry, where I was "finding direction." An aquarium can mean that you feel your life is going in circles, going nowhere. A house is supposed to represent your soul and self; each room is a different "aspect of your psyche." There are a ton of other possible meanings for a house; I won't get into everything here. Also, standing in a line means you need patience; you're waiting for something.

This is getting deep! Which is, I guess, exactly what I wanted to do. One more day, and then maybe I'll attempt to share any conclusions. Or, if you have any ideas, feel free to play therapist.

* * * * * * * * *

Yesterday I worked out for an hour with Denise. AND I ate a mini whole wheat pita sammie for lunch (rather than a Hot Pocket), and drank 8 glasses of water/skim milk/juice. Later, I discovered the best workout ever -- I said, "Come on, AJ, let's run!" and then he said the same to the dog, and he laughed and laughed while we raced up and down on the "Back 40," this long stretch of grass in the way-back of our yard. It was great because he kept me going. "MO RUN, Mama? Mo run?" So we did that for about ten or fifteen minutes with small breaks in between. It was light jogging, in poor form and on bumpy grass. But it was fun -- he can be my permanent exercise buddy. Every little bit counts! Happy Friday!

Wednesday dreams

Plus! Bullet points!

-- First off, my dreams last night were choppy and annoying because I KEPT waking up uncomfortably, tossing and turning. No idea why, but I had a song in my head from last night's choir practice that WOULD NOT LEAVE ME ALONE. I don't even LIKE this song. But WOW, does it like my head. Every time I woke up it was repeating. Anyway, I dreamed that each line in the song was a rock or landmark on this giant 3D map I was looking at. I kept walking around the map -- IN the map, really -- but all there were, were rocks. And lines from the song. Argh. It had me so irritated! Right before I woke up, that nonsense drifted away, thank god, and I was dreaming that I went to the TMBG concert with my friend Cantus, but it was actually U2 performing TMBG. We were in a lobby, sitting around a table waiting for the show to begin, when in walked (the 1979 skinny, short-haired) Bono and started telling us how he first met John and John. I remember I also had a little blue camera and was very intent on not losing it. (But not so much on TAKING A PICTURE WITH BONO, Duh!!) Possible meanings? Well, my book says a map is about finding direction in your life, and that rocks/boulders are about things that are in your way. "Striving for something higher, but it is not going to be easy." And a camera means I need to look at something objectively, through the lens, so to speak. And Freud says it's a phallic symbol. (Welcome, pervy Googlers!)

Also, the non-sleeping was partly due to the fact that I'm STILL not getting my exercise and was likely a direct message from GOD saying, "GIRL! Heart disease and high cholesterol are a lot worse than tossing and turning, so GET ON IT, and now. You will sleep better."

-- Let's talk about sororities. Now, if you grew up in roughly the same time frame I did, I know you're saying to yourself, "Deltadeltadelta can I helpyahelpyahelpya?" from the SNL skit which gave us sorority girls quite the ditzy reputation. Not to mention Animal House. Even without the bad press from TV and movies, many people see the sorority is a very non-inclusive, non-PC, cliquey sort of an organization. And yeah, there are some ugly parts about it, when illegal hazing happens or unnecessary unkindness. HOWEVER, I pledged a sorority when I was a college freshman, and have never been sorry I did. When you get inside them, they're really about Including new people. And welcoming. I made friends then, I've made even better friends SINCE as an alumna, and then just yesterday I found out that one of my very favorite bloggy buddies is also a "sisterinthebonds." I've always wanted this to happen in real life -- I meet a girl I like and find out (by testing her with the secret handshake, of course) that she's a Delta Gamma. But it hasn't ever, IRL. Except that blogging is real. And friendships are real, no matter how you come by them. :) So I am quite excited. Don't get me wrong, I know sororities aren't all iced tea and ponytails. (Or maybe they are, and that's the problem!) I'm even willing to laugh about the stereotype "sorority girl" with whoever wants to. But know this: after we laugh, I'll tell you what I LIKE about being in a sorority (fraternity, if we're getting official), and this is a prime example. :)

-- Last night, I was going to quit the church choir. I WAS. But seeing as how we only have 3 weeks until we break for summer, and seeing as how I'm only scheduled to cantor TWICE the entire summer, I think I can stick it out 'til August, and then quietly, simply not return. Instead of having to break it off unexpectedly here, before it's finished. Rehearsal was even kinda fun. (Dammit.)

-- Someone please tell me again that AJ and his Daddy are going to grow to be friends. Last night's report was that AJ screamed after dinner, through his whole bath, after his bath, and every moment I was at choir. Evidently he didn't specify "No DA-DA," like he sometimes does when I say, "Want to go sit with Daddy?" -- but I still worry. He's very much Mama's boy, and has been since the beginning. Infanthood was hard on DH. It surprised him, that it was as hard as it was. (Colicky baby.) I worry that eventually he'll lose his desire to keep trying with AJ, that he'll just resign himself to the (incorrect) idea that AJ doesn't like him.... and that they'll have a relationship like DH does with his own father. :( It's not a terrible one, they're just not at all close. I'm afraid that someday I'll have to say, "AJ and his dad have had a rocky relationship since the day he was born." What can I do to help them?

Or maybe it's just teething?

Dreaming: Tuesday

Unfortunately I did not recall much of the night's dreaming this morning. I woke with the last image stuck in my head: the computer screen showing our newest web product at work. So that's lovely. I tried to dissolve said image with a hotter-than-usual shower. :)

2nd dream in a row of a COMPUTER SCREEN! Aye-yi-yi. Perhaps I should look out a window once in a while. Work has been quite busy for me lately -- highly unusual -- with more ahead. I don't really know when it will slow down again. It's fine, I'm somewhat glad of it, but I had gotten really used to having a slow workload. I rather liked it. But that life is no longer! I now breathe and apparently sleep, my job!

Cooking up something

I am percolating a little bloggy-fun regarding dreams. I'm a Seer in my other life, did I tell you? Fo realls, yo. Dreams sometimes have meaning, I'm certain of that. In FACT, my great grandmother was known for HER extra-sensory perception, and I believe that her visions, too, were sometimes born of nightly dreams. (Although, for some reason, when I imagine her dispensing mystic advice to her friends, she's sitting up in a bed during the bright part of daytime, with a California breeze blowing her curtains around her. I've never seen an actual photo like this or been told of it, it's just how my brain imagines the scene.) Anyway, I thought it'd be fun to collect my dreams for a week and then see if they all had some collective corollary -- or if they are all just a load of bunk. Which is also very possible.

Play along with me if you like! We'll determine together if you're eating too much spicy food before bed, or if you're just plain crazy. :) Here's my first 2 installments:

Sunday: (1) My coworker W. and his wife and baby were leaving for Slovakia. The wife hails from there, and they just up and decided they were moving. When I asked W, "What are you going to DO there?" meaning work, he said to me, in the dream, "Guess I'll have to learn to speak Czech." Heh. So, Fear of loss perhaps? (2) The oft-noted "Unprepared for a Test" dream. I hate those! Somehow I am supposed to be taking a big old (music? I think?) test, but I have not begun any measure of studying for it. The Encyclopedia of Dreams says "You have lost confidence in your abilities." To do what, I don't know. I'm actually feelin' quite confident these days, as a mom, wife, employee... who knows.

Monday: I actually dreamed I was reading Joshilyn's blog. Shows you how interesting my life isn't! (No offense to Joss, of course.) But there was a purpose to my mind settling on the subject of her blog -- A week ago I submitted a little meager haiku to her recent haiku contest, and... I'd been kinda hoping to win. So in the dream, I did. :) Hee hee. In real life, I did not. It's cool, I'm (sob!) really okay. For my mom's sake -- she always praised my haiku, as was her duty -- my entry went like this:

Shriveled bananas.
Could be reborn as bread, but
I'm out of eggs, too.

Ha ha! Pure genius, right Mom? I thought it really captured the visual imagery of those brown bananas rotting in my kitchen.

Stepping away

I suppose I should tell you alllll about our trip to Asheville, NC, and the 2 days of what-seemed-like major frivoloty that accompanied. I, for one, spent a good deal of time dreaming of what it would've been like as a Rich Friend of the Vanderbilts, back in 1899. (Hint: It would have been KICK-ASS. To be invited to their "winter home"? For, oh, let's say a few weeks? And stay in one of their 35 guest rooms? And ring the bell for a chamber maid to bring breakfast? And do nothing but Be Pretty and tote my parasol around the gardens? Sounds like My Kind Of Nirvana. A'course, I would have been barred from playing billiards with the men, but... meh. Nothing a few hours of uninterupted reading -- and a 6 course dinner -- couldn't cure.)

It was very refreshing to step away from our world and slow things down for a while. We didn't wake up 'til 8:00 or 8:30 am. We only had to dress OURSELVES. We drank beer one night, and wine the next. We dined at a restaurant with actual cloth napkins. We wandered around downtown with no agenda. On second thought really... the weekend WAS my Nirvana. 'Cause contrary to 1899, WE have air conditioning and ladies get to wear shorts and a t-shirt.

Edited to add: (I can't believe I forgot to say this but it must be a good sign) I *did* miss AJ a teensy bit. :)

...and now for something

...completely bitchy!

WHY DOES MY COWORKER EAT THE SAME THREE CRRRRRRUNCHIEST FOODS IN THE UNIVERSE,

every


single


day


??!?!???!

10:30, Bavarian Pretzels.
11:30, lunch with approximately 29 tortilla chips.
2:30, a nice, cold apple from the fridge.

He may as well be grinding concrete with a jackhammer, the way my ears react to it.

I miss walls.


P.S. Let me clarify this for everyone, just in case -- People should be allowed to eat apples. Others of my dear coworkers eat apples and it bothers me not. I ate an apple just yesterday. They're good for you and full of fiber. Eat! Fruit is a miracle and proof of God! But THIS particular coworker POPS! the big bite off with his top teeth, then peels the piece off into his OPEN MOUTH, then closes his chompers onto it. That is very different from plainly, *politely* enjoying a red delicious. Ahem. / rant

honestly, thankfully, attentively...

Those words, via Toni's old blog, have inspired me for more than a year now. They're taped to the cabinet in my little cubicle, right where I can see them. :)

Monday as I was going around my round, trying to squeeze in all the daily tasks like Swiffering the floors (sooo dirty with warmer weather and playing outside), dusting the furniture, folding little sockies (and sockies and sockies), paying bills (and bills and bills), I tried, really tried, to remain thankful. Thank You, for the fact that I HAVE these days at home when I really should be working 7 hours straight for WORK, but Thank You, that I sometimes don't. Thank You, for the secrecy of not being watched or made to post my time. Thank You, for giving me such a beautiful child whose socks I'm folding. Thank You, for the money to pay for a new bottle of Tide since I see we're running low today. Thank You, for a husband who isn't a slob, who motivates me just by being himself, to clean up my crap.

It's like a mantra. Or like that form of prayer, what's it called? Centering Prayer -- where you just repeat and focus on one word. Jesus. Jesus. Or, Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Saying it was a comfort Monday, even while I felt hurried, pushed to get all that home-caring stuff knocked off my list. (Also made me feel better while doing work-work.)

Honest about my feelings. Church Choir. Not happy. Not making me happy to go there anymore. After we break for the summer, I'm out. Finished. No -- maybe not forever, just... suspended for a time. I really need this time, every bit that I can soak up, to be with AJ and my husband. You just don't get time back, and if it isn't making me happy, I can't continue to spend it. And honestly? I do feel like I'm missing out on something. When DH and I were just starting to date seriously, we did go to church together. We held hands during the homily. We gave each other the Kiss of Peace (one of the major benefits of being married, I think, is KNOWING that you'll turn to your spouse FIRST for the Kiss of Peace, don't you think? Instead of wondering, "Do I go left or right? Is the person to my left alone? Because if so, I'll turn to the left." Hee.) I just value worshipping together; however zoned out we are on a given Sunday, at least we're there, next to each other, hearing the same message and breathing the same incensed air. And yes, we're still together if I'm in the choir area while he's in the pews... but it's not the same. It's not "family" time, in my mind. Instead it's me, Apart from them. No good. It'll be hard to tell my choir buddies and the director, but oh well. I'll just have to take a deep breath and tell him. He'll have to live with it.

Last night I had Not-Book-Club with 2 friends, Nancy and Jennifer (we were a bit disabled by illness and babysitter issues, usually we have about 8) and it was wonderful. Although, for the 2nd month in a row, I get an "F" in Book Club for not even BUYING the book. Sigh. I am going to be more dedicated to this from now on. Attentive. Because one of the best things in the entire WORLD is a good book discussion, and I want to help create those. Despite our BC handicaps (Amy Tan's Saving Fish from Drowning was determined to be not as good as her other books, and much too character-heavy -- we talked about it exactly 14 minutes I think), we had a great time. It is such a blessing to have friends you can count on, for advice and support and wine. :) And I'm not just saying this because I told them about my blog and they might be reading. (hi, guys!) I'm saying it because one of my great weaknesses is being inattentive to my friendships. And I need to rememdyremedy that.

Edited: evidently another great weakness is typing. rememdy. Ha.

Things I love:

• As mentioned in a comment I made TO MY OWN POST (I am so cool!): Jonathan Antin. Okay, so he's not a "thing," exactly, but his Image is. His "brand." His themesong -- which, incidentally, is "It's Your THANG" (Isley Brothers, go look it up at iTunes). Anyway, I could eat him up. He's delicious and so Uber-Self-Focused I can't even stand him... but somehow I'm also mesmerized by him. He is an Entity. Anyone else have an opinion about the EGO who's (humbly) "just a guy who does hair?" Or is it just me? I have to tell you, my husband wants to BE Jonathan. And yet he calls it, "One of those dumb shows you make me watch." Ha.
  
• Turn right, 180 degrees. On a completely different note! I love The British. We had a visiting bishop from England at Mass yesterday and I could just listen to him all day while he repeats the word "Ev-ah-laHHHst-ing." He was also SO very gracious and Thanked everyone at the end of the liturgy, including "the Choi-ah-MAHster and the choi-ah." We were so proud. Y'know, our pastor, as much as I like him, has been Pastor with a capital P for more than 8 years now at St. J's, and he's QUITE forgotten about thanking people. You'd think that after the 3-HOUR Easter Vigil, he might have said some itty bitty bit of thanks to the altar servers, Eucharistic ministers, lectors, and choir who all put sooo much into making the service nice for the newly baptized. But he didn't. Anyway, I LOVE English clergy. (I pretended I was in a little English church in the country. Episcopal, yo. It's a fantasy of mine.)
  
• Neat bedrooms. And by that I mean Tidy. DH cleaned up AJ's room this weekend since it was his turn to vacuum, and man, does it look great. Books all lined up nicely, with all the Little Golden Book foil spines together and all the Touch and Feel Series spines together... train-sets lovingly displayed and blocks stacked, changing table shelves masterfully organized... it's like before AJ was born! We're trying to teach him how to clean up before bedtime. Ha, ha. I wonder: when they get old enough to understand, do you have to let 'em have their mess until, say, the weekend? Or can you say, "Clean up this pig-sty RIGHT NOW!" every evening? Hee hee.
  
• Five-dollar stuffed animals. Is the Disney Store re-imagined? I thought all the Disney Stores shut down, but it appears they've revamped. We went to the mall on Saturday and we found one. In its window sat a $5-Bear (in the Big Blue House). FIVE! It was placed carefully at AJ's stroller level and I spotted it. DH was ahead of me so I called his NAME -- which I never say, I always call him "Honey." With that, he knew it must be Important, and he went right in and paid with Cash. AJ is in love. When I put him to bed Saturday night, I handed him is blankies and his pacifier as is S.O.P., but he reached instead for Bear's hand, and pulled the new best friend to him to snuggle up. So cute! I love the new Disney Store.

Gratitude Friday

Today I am grateful for ~ The time I took to work out yesterday. I'm once again motivated to get with it and get myself in shape, and the sore muscles all along my obliques and lower abs tell me that "Yeah! I did it!" I'm grateful that my knees only hurt a little bit when I go down the stairs, but it's not cool that they hurt at all, so, yay! workout! burn that butter! ~ Fresh veggies. I went to the market yesterday and bought yellow summer squash, red bell pepper, green bell pepper (which AJ called "gee app-ple" hee hee), and sweet onions, and grilled 'em with our steaks. One thing I realized about eating healthy is that it does take some time and effort. Time to chop the veggies. To cook the brown rice (vs. Minute Rice or... Pizza Hut). Time to Pack a Lunch instead of relying on Wendy's. I don't know how I'm going to squeeze those behaviors in, but I'm grateful for the hope of being able to. ~ Steady work. I've got a to-do list on my desk at the office and it's full, but not scary-overwhelming. I think it's just enough to fill 8 hours. ~ Rain the last couple of days, to water our gardens and keep the pollen counts down. Hubby is going through his annual bout of hayfever and he's been miserable! But, less so yesterday, because it was damp and the dust and pollen were washed away a bit. ~ Also grateful for Claritin. ~ A vacation to look forward to. It's just 2 days, but I've had an awful lot of fun thinking about it since Wednesday! As in, when I think about it I smile and my heart gets a little fluttery. Isn't that silly? But, oh, my Soul needs rejuvinating in that romantical way, and I'm so grateful for the anticipation. :)

A meme of themes, on Shuffle!

This is pretty cool. You're supposed to put your iPod on Shuffle and answer the questions below using whatever title pops up as you read the questions out loud. Hey, heyyy, it's 21st-century Magic 8 Ball! No cheating! I found it at Laylabean. Go look at some of the other ones that she references: funny stuff!

So here goes nothing, let's see *exactly* who I am... shuffle... and... go!

1. How does the world see you?
Let Me Love Tonight (Harry Connick Jr). Hmm. Really? Then I need to get some new silky pajamas. Yikes.

2. Will I have a happy life?
HAHAHA! Lollipops and Roses (Herb Alpert & Tiijuana Brass) Awesome. :)

3. What do my friends really think of me?
Reach Up For the Sunrise (Duran Duran) Aw, thanks friends.

4. Do people secretly lust after me?
Mandy (Barry Manilow) Oh well. Can't compete with Mandy!

5. How can I make myself happy?
Surround (Dada) No kidding, y'all. That's how it answered me. (Obviously iPod wants me to surround myself with all you wonderful friends and family.) Freaky-deaky.

6. What should I do with my life?
Gloria (U2) SING! See! I should be a diva and Sing Gloria! I knew it! If only the church gig paid better.

7. Will I ever have children?
Whipped Cream (Herb Alpert) Um. What?

8. What is some good advice for me?
Where the Streets Have No Name. (U2) I'm thinking maybe I don't have as much variety in my listening library as I thought I did.

9. How will I be remembered?
Get Me Out of Here (Billy Pilgrim) I will be remembered for complaining about work. Heh.

10. What is my signature song?
Blue Highway (Billy Idol) ...at least my husband will be proud that I've chosen a Billy Idol song. Otherwise I have no idea. It's a song about riding motorcycles. Uh, yeah.

11. What do I think my current theme song is?
Weather With You (Crowded House) Nice. Probably true. "Walking round the room, singing stormy weather, at 57 Mt. Pleasant Street..."

12. What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
Always & Forever (My Dad is Dead) One of my favorite lines is this: "Maybe it's dumb luck, 'cause my luck has never been too sharp... things can change, they don't have to stay the same..."

13. What song will play at my funeral?
Night and Day (Esquivel) Cheesey on top of Cheese. I love it. Everybody samba!

14. What types of men/women do I like?
Are you With Me? (Color) Only the ones like me, evidently. I hope that isn't true.

15. What kind of day will I have?
Whipped Cream. Sigh. At least I did my workout today. All this whipped cream is getting kinda out of hand.

R&R at a B&B

I'm so excited -- I've just booked our anniversary vacation in Asheville, NC. It would have been quite nice if DH had done it FOR me... last night when we FINALlY got online together to do some research, my PMSy self was kinda ticked that *I* was having to do this, and I was blaming him that it was this late date, even though I haven't made it a priority any more than he has. I mean, wouldn't it have been special if he'd whisked me away and said, "It's all planned, I'm taking you away to a quaint little inn in the mountains, and don't you worry about a thing!"?? Wouldn't it? But I'm resolved not to be such a whiny-butt because we have reservations, we have what appears to be the nicest room at our B&B, tickets to the Biltmore -- America's only CASTLE! and since I know I'll never get DH to Europe to see any real ones this will have to do -- we have double massages scheduled for Saturday morning, I've got my eye on a trendy restaurant, I plan to window-shop, and it's going to be grown-up fun, fun fun. We may even drink WINE like we did back in the good old days. When we were in Luv. :)

Now I have to figure out a gift for him. I'm glad for the massage: he's been working really hard and truly deserves to be pampered a bit, himself. And he's never had one before. But what should I get him for a present to unwrap? Any ideas?

My circadian rhythm hurts

Ah'm tarred.

(My husband's grandfather, who displays that accent from the hills of Tennessee, turns 80 today -- happy birthday, Grandad!)

Easter weekend was a blur. My parents arrived around 6:30 on Friday, after I sent them on the longest short cut that ever was, to try and avoid Atlanta traffic. Oops. We had a great time together, although AJ was a little bit thrown off with extra people in his house and atypical meal/playtime/daycare schedules. He's fine now -- sleeping soundly -- but I'm dragging. I've juiced up with coffee AND tea, but still can't find my mojo. :) It could be that the Easter Vigil service, which lasted from 8:30 'til 11:30 p.m. Saturday night, and in which the choir sang about 89% of the time, wore me plain out. It could be.

(Self-inflating aside: Given the choice I'd still do this year's Vigil again, I think. I was in good voice -- I felt the most prepared I've ever felt for Easter, personally, and my big solo actually made me HAPPY. It was a beautiful piece, for one thing -- not a hokey-pokey hootenany guitar hymn -- and I managed, by the grace of God, to sing it well. It's rare that I'm really pleased with my own singing. I can always find my vocal shortcomings and I'm okay with having them -- but this once, it was nice to feel really GOOD about a song. It was an Easter present from God to me -- I sounded pretty. Yay, me! A girl's allowed to be proud of herself, right?)

What really got my circadian rhythm off was AFTER Mass. I had to go home and prep the Easter Bunny's props. You'd a-thought maybe the Bunny's Better Half might have done some of this while I was gone for 3 hours, but he didn't. And I guess his family tradition for Easter wasn't much "to-do," like mine was; he always woke to a basket of candy. My sis and I always woke to candy, stickers, small presents neatly layed out on the fireplace hearth, eggs hidden in the yard, dyed eggs from the day before... The Workz. So anyway, he was little help and Mom and I had to fuss over The Display all by ourselves....'til 1:00am. Then we got up at 6 to make sure the Bunny hid eggs in the yard like he's supposed to. And we went to the morning Mass Sunday, then to my cousin's house an hour away for the rest of the day. And I jumped on a trampoline! And chased my cousin's 8-year-old daughter, who wanted very much to babysit AJ. Whew. I never quite caught up from Saturday night, is what I'm trying to say. Ti-red.

But AJ enjoyed his chockie bunny for Easter breakfast, and strawberries for Easter dinner! He wasn't into the jelly beans, walked right past the Peeps, and BARELY cared about the crayons or the airplane toy or the John Deere playset. What he wanted most for Easter was M&Ms and

his new Glitter Play Doh.

It is ALL. He. Wants. To. Do. I gave him a star-shaped cookie cutter, so now, we open each can of Smooshy Goodness, one at a time, make a star, and stack the stars one on top of the other. Let me rephrase that. I make all the stars. He watches me do all the work. Then he's done. His interest departs and Mommy's stuck, literally, with her big butt in a kid-sized chair, and copious amounts of 'Doh that now need to be put away before they dry out. We seem to want to do this at least 3 times a day. I'll leave you with that since he's waking from his nap now (the Lucky Duck).

The best compliment

AJ's teacher told me yesterday that he is "such a sweet little boy;" ...that they "all wish [they] could clone him;" ...and that of all the kids in the class, he is the one who'll sit down when he's asked to, or help clean up after an activity.

I can't tell you how happy that makes me.

At first, I got all nonplussed at her compliments, and tripped over deflecting them as fast as possible. As if my saying, "Well, you know, he's not always an angel at home," would somehow "equal him out" to all the other kids. And I would feel less self-congratulatory because, you know, Husband and I don't always have the answers as parents. We're not doing any better disciplining/raising/loving him than any of the other parents, I wanted to tell her.

But then I had to stop myself, because Jiminy Cricket looked up at me from the floor and said, "Um, excuse me? That compliment wasn't for you, Swellhead. It was for AJ." ("Geez, Jiminy...," I responded. "Ya gotta be so snippy??") Butno, seriously... AJ, himself -- separate from me or anything I do to him, around him, with him -- has a gentle make-up, a well-behaved demeanor. It's him! It's biology. Nothing really to do with me at all!

It's the tiniest bit bittersweet -- it's so easy, natural, for us parents of the littlest ones to think they are "mine, all mine." That they're a direct result of US. And they are to a certain extent, but after a while, they actually do become real little PEOPLE, as my mother always says. And we have to learn how to release our grip from around them, and watch them BE. And be proud FOR them, but not OF.

I'm so pleased. Oh, I know... we're not finished by a long shot, and every good thing that we manage to do as parents will help shape the person he eventually becomes. But it looks like he's got himself a pretty solid foundation already.

Spoken aloud, to no one in particular

...as I pulled my new guest room bedskirt from the warm dryer:

"Oh, no. Am I going to have to actually IRON you stupid thing?"


(It's one of those nifty flat-panel bed skirts. Ergh. I hate to iron.)

The "i" meme

i am: researching rice + chicken + veggie recipes. It seems that mixing with RICE is the only way to get AJ to eat. Anything. Lately. (besides fruit or Saltines).
i think: parenting is made harder than it ought to be, by all the stinking advice books.
i know: my husband loves me deeply.
i have: a nice home with a pretty yard, esp. in spring.
i hate: Atlanta traffic, and spending so much time fighting it.
i don’t: drink very much alcohol. Not that I'm a teetotaler, I've just never been interested. (Except that year or so right after college when I felt pretty grown up and thought getting drunk was fun.)
i can’t: stay awake much past 11:00 anymore. Sometimes 9:00.
i can: do a backflip off the diving board or on the trampoline.
i will: take out the garbage if I have to.
i won’t: mow the lawn until it is physically impossible for my husband or my son to do it. I know that's wimpy and 'sheltered girl' of me but that's the facts.
i miss: summers of my youth. The freedom of having WHOLE DAYS with nothing planned, no responsibilities; of saying "I'm bored;" of asking Mom, at, oh idunno, 1pm, "Can we go to the pool?" And her saying, "Ok."
i fear: the possible terrible things that could happen to AJ; seeing him in grave pain.
i feel: incredibly lucky sometimes.
i hear: typing and clicking of my coworkers; someone on the phone; hum of my computer
i smell: kinda like soggy corn flakes. I used Jergen's Natural Glow lotion today and that's what I think it makes me smell like.
i crave: vacations. peace and laughter, and lately, small-town life.
i wonder: if we will end up going anywhere for our anniversary. (We have yet to book a room in Asheville. Sigh.)
i regret: that I have a few little regrets, but sometimes I do. I sorta regret my useless college major, my 4-year dating relationship that went nowhere (wasted time when I could have dated plenty of other interesting people), that we live so far from our parents... but on the other hand, we might not be where we are without the decisions we made in the past...
i love: Oreos. Ice Cream. Brownies. Oh, yeah, people too -- family, friends, yadda yadda…
i dream: often. I usually remember them, too. I believe some dreams are meant to tell me something, and others are random neurons firing.
i long: to work part-time and have no financial worry about that decision. (plenty for savings, college fund, etc.)
i care: about my health, but still I don't get my recommended 30 minutes a day of exercise. Whywhywhywhywhy?
i always: sing. I try to stay in some sort of choir always.
i am not: tall.
i believe: (easy one) that things happen for a reason.
i smile: less often than I should. With my life, I should be smiling 100% of the time.
i laugh: out loud when I read and watch TV.
i collect: $100 bills. If you have any spare ones, send them my way.
i play: a lot of different kinds of solitaire. The old-fashioned way, with cards.
i write: fairly well, but not well enough that I think I could have a career freelancing.
i await: 4:00 pm every day.
i cook: on a 20-year-old Jenn-Aire with only 2 working burners. Argh.
i trust: that God is leading me on the path of my life, and that even when I'm ignoring Him, He's still with me.
i intend: to get back to work after doing this.
i search: using Google and wikipedia.
i look: at people's lips when I should look up at their eyes. I am constantly trying to fix this habit.
i shout: at the dog when he knocks AJ down or wanders into the ivy in our backyard.
i whisper: when I read "Mr. Brown Can Moo," on the 'whisper, whisper' page.
i conquer: mountains.... of laundry. (lately, all by myself where my husband used to help, but oh well.)
i listen: to easy listening artists (think '60s ooo-wah stuff) like Herb Alpert and Esquivel, more often than you might think.
i ignore: people who stand in intersections asking for money, whether they're "begging" for themselves or walking around with buckets for "charity." (I don’t know whether to mistrust or pity them, so I just pretend they aren't there.)
i live: day by day.

I found this in some of Madame Rubies' archives. Thanks, H! This was fun.

Picnic moment

Yet another happy springtime moment that made me want to freeze time:

Sunday afternoon, freshly mowed grass, AJ, Mommy, snacktime... Peanut butter & honey, saltines, a bottle of water, and a blue and white dishtowel for a picnic blanket. He dipped into that PB over and over and over again. His first taste of honey. He kept focused on it, less interested in anything else, except maybe the occassional bee or a passing car. We just sat there dipping, crunching, not talking in the breeze and the shade. :)

3...2...1... tornado

Here's the play-by-play. Friday night, DH and I did our usual camp-out on the living room couch, and got to bed by about midnight-thirty. The weather-man was predicting storms, which bummed DH out a bit, needing to mow the lawn Saturday as he did. But oh well, we said, we can take the car for its oil change and then just get some housework done if it rains all day. I guess in the back of our minds we knew the storms had caused some trouble in the mid-west and to be on alert, but we proceeded as normal.

3:45 a.m... I wake up to the delightfully creepy sound of the county sirens. I lay there and listen for the full five minutes, and no one else in my house stirs. There's nothing going on outside, so in my sleepy state I can't figure if they're just testing the alarm, or what. Five minutes more I lay there, all is still and quiet. And then, it starts raining. And then, it sounds like hail. Hmm. I get up to look out the bathroom window, just as I start hearing what sounds like branches and leaves hitting the house. DH wakes up, startled. And when I lift the shade in the window, our enormous poplar and sycamore trees (don't know quite how I could see so well, as it was the middle of the night) are absolutely bending IN HALF with the wind. I tell DH that the sirens went off, and he determines that we'd better make haste to the basement. I think his exact words were, "Get downstairs, NOW." I grab AJ and down we go. At the front door, we hesitated, because there seemed to be a lull... then we saw a flash of that famous green lightning. I've never gone down a flight of stairs so fast!

We stayed downstairs for about 30 minutes, with poor AJ going, "AJ room? AJ room?" What, standing under the staircase at 4 a.m. isn't your idea of fun, kiddo? So innocent. I kept thinking of my elementary school tornado drills, where they'd have us line up down the hall and crouch with our heads covered, facing the walls. If kids weren't scared of tornados before that, they certainly were after. Creepy. We just stood there waiting. Wondering if it was safe to peek out the window. Watching the power flicker.

After it was over? all quiet again. Like it never happened. I'm sure it rained more throughout the morning, but we went back to bed and slept pretty hard 'til about 7:30.

Y'all, the thing went right through our subdivision. Next morning, in the quiet rain, we learned that one street over, uprooted trees had fallen on homes. Cracked trees had crushed a few fences. We had plenty of cleanup, ourselves, but we were BLESSED to live on the right side of the hill -- no damage. They've been saying it was "just" an F-zero or F1. But Lordy, we spent all of Saturday grateful: 1) that AJ enjoys picking up sticks (ha), 2) that we have a basement, and got our butts down there, and 3) that we weren't on the phone with the insurance company trying to figure out how to get our life back.